A/N: Well, I might as well get this over with. xD And yes, I love me some crack fics. And bashing Edward—he's just too easy. ;D To bash, I mean. (AHHHH, ED IS NOT A SLUT.)

And so, the Elrics set off for Buns, Buns, Buns. It was just a block away, actually—surprisingly, Ed had never seen it before. But then again, Ed never was on the look-out for local tranny bars…unless he was like, wasted or something.

The bar was like a rave. Strobe lights, intense dancing; glow sticks…And not even noon! The place was jam-packed with girls dressed as guys, guys dressedas girls…Hell, there was even someone dressed as a dog.

Ed followed Al to one of the tables, where the two sat down. Music was booming out of the stereo systems, and Edward could FEEL his eardrums beginning to bleed.

"So…" Ed yelled over the insane techno. "What exactly do you DO here?"

"You know…" Al hollered back. "Serve drinks, DJ; the occasional lap dance…"

"…Don't people realize you're a suit of armor?"

"I tell them I work out."

"…"

"Hey, boys!" a voice said. "Can I get 'cha somethin' to drink?"

Ed, irritated, looked over his shoulder at the figure speaking to them. He squinted his eyes—stockings, mini-skirt, manly thighs, tank top…Along with blotchy lipstick and blush. After a second, Ed could clearly make out his face: hearty, smirking like he ruled the free world—

Holy shit.

"Helloooo?" the man barked, waving a hand in front of Ed's dazed face. "Earth to blond…"

"M…Mustang?"

Roy blinked, then beamed. "Oh! Fullmetal! I knew I smelt cabbage!"

"Wh-what are you doing here?" Ed spat; thus the return of the flailing arms. "You're a freakin' COLONEL!"

"Part-times hobs are allowed," Roy snorted, shrugging. "It's not like I'm going against military rules or whatever. And I look hot in tights."

Ed spun around, facing his brother. "Why didn't you tell me about your CO-WORKERS?" he barked, crumbling up the table's pile of complimentary napkins.

"I didn't think it really mattered," came Al's reply. "Like Colonel said, he's not breaking any rules."

"And PLUS," Roy butted in, "this job so OWNS my other job—right in the ass, too. Did'ja know this place covers dental?"

Ed twitched. "Ya don't say?"

"Yeah—that's what I said!"

"Jackass."

"Hm…" came another stuck-up voice. "A homo ROUND-UP…Why wasn't I invited?"

The three looked up. Crazy hair, slim figure…You guessed it: Envy. He didn't look any different from previous encounters, other than the fact his lips were the color of Armstrong's abs. A busboy tray was tucked under one of his arms.

Ed, for one, wasn't surprised to see him there—but it wasn't until when Envy approached them and wrapped an arm around Roy's shoulder Ed became moderately disturbed.

"En-En!" Roy squealed. "You know Edward, right?"

"Of COURSE he does," Ed hissed. "He's kicked me across the face more than a dozen times!"

"Oh yeah," Envy laughed. "The good old days…"

"'Good'…?"

"I'm passed all of that crap, Eddy-boy. Let's call a truce, okay?"

"What? No!"

"Fine, fine. I was lying, anyway, so be thankful I'm not your waiter—I wouldn't spiked your drink…which would've been milk." Envy held up a hand as Ed's mouth opened to protest. "I know you don't like milk; Winry told me. Or at least told Sloth who told me…She's a 'customer'…"

"I'm not too stunned."

"Neither were we." Envy then turned to Roy and grinned. "Well, my little horsie, I shall be off; time is money…and money is frequent lap dances." Ed watched in horror as Envy gave Roy a slap across the ass, and pranced into the crowd.

The blond sunk into his seat. "This is just too much…"

"Ya want some beer?" Roy asked. "I won't tell if you won't tell."

"No…Just get the hell away from me. Al, let's go." He took his brother by the hand, stomping toward the door.

Roy followed. "W-wait! You didn't pay me! I SPOKE to you! I don't just SPEAK to people! So that's gotta be like, ten bucks, right?"

Ed gave Roy the finger and walked out.

A/N: PFFT. Just so you know, the next chapter is the last chapter—really, really short fic. I like short fics, though. Also, on a random note, in real life, I've been juggling quite a few Fullmetal Alchemist fics….Only two, actually. Which is a lot to me. One is a crack!fic (naturally) involving the Homunculus, the other a quite serious one, with slight, pretty original crossover (well, it's something I'VE never seen before). Thinking about posting 'em both…Most likely the first one—maybe the second one… (contemplates, omg)

P.S. Roy/Envy seems pretty hot.