Disclaimer: I own and have nothing to do with Dark Angel or Christina Aguilera
Author's note: Anything in italics is the lyrics to Christina Aguilera's song "Hurt". This is a songfic that hit me as soon as I heard the song and would not leave me alone until I wrote it. Haven't written Dark Angel or anything in a long time so I made it as true to the characters as I could. I don't have a beta so if there are mistakes blame me I've said before I have horrible grammar so don't look for perfection
Hurt
Fresh snow crunched underneath Max's scuffed black boots. "I just need to talk to you, Logan. There are some things I should have said before that I need to say today. It's not going to be easy for me…It never is…"
A fierce wind blew Max's dark curls about her head. Talking to Logan was not always hard depending on the topic. But considering it had been three years since the raising of the flag at Terminal city, three years since they had stood gloved hands clasped, and three years since Max had been this close to Logan this was not a moment she had wished and waited for. In fact, she dreaded it.
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
"Things were never easy between us. Maybe that was our fault or what surrounded us. I guess we won't know, what's passed is past." Max shifted uneasily on her feet. "You know I didn't want to push you away…I just I had to…it was what was best. With The Virus over our heads and the threats to the transgenics- nothing was safe no one was safe. I had to get you out."
Max paced back and forth, "If I could do it over, live these years apart over I'd do it differently. I would've come to you when you find The Virus cure. I would have at least been your friend or your cat burglar again." Max's half smile turned into a rueful laugh, "You probably don't believe me but I wouldn't have made it so hard."
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
Max's pacing became more frenzied, "I couldn't though not with the risk I posed to you and you, you made it hard. You just wouldn't stay away from me and that was dangerous for you. It was like I couldn't get it through your head how you were making me feel. How responsible I would be if something happened to you. You couldn't see how it killed me inside not only the worry but the fear that I couldn't keep you safe. And you were just willing to risk it all."
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
A sliver of a moon was beginning to show itself in the darkening sky. The temperature was dropping rapidly. The recently fallen snow becoming hardened ice. The sounds of the day settled down and the sounds of the night started up.
Max blew out a breath, "After everything happened, after I pushed you away I didn't know what to do. I threw myself into Terminal City. I tried to make the pain go away by just forgetting you. I tried to use the fight to take your place but nothing ever could."
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Max dropped to her knees, the cold from the ground seeping into her body, into her bones. She could only imagine the effect it was having on Logan. "I wish it wasn't too late. I wish I could have recognized what "us" meant to you. I wish I could know that you're hearing me. I hope you know how much I learned from you. I hope you know how much I miss you. I hope you know how much I pray that one day we'll be together again."
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
Fresh tears cascaded down Max's face. The faint shimmering light of the moon playing on the cold smooth marble of the tombstone bearing the inscription: Logan Cale, beloved friend.
"It's my fault that I wasn't there." Max sniffed. 'It's my fault they got to you. It's my fault that I didn't realize they would eventually get to you even without me there. I'd give anything to feel you holding me one more time. I'd give up anything, even my baby, to be able to feel you breathing and tell you how I feel."
Max slowly struggled to her feet. "But it's wrong of me to want you back. You're in heaven, in peace, in safety with the Blue Lady, Ben, Tinga and the other lost members of my family. And they'll take care of you now 'cause you were my family too.
If I had just one more day,
I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line
To try to turn back time
Max wiped away her tears, "Things playing out between us the way they did. Maybe it was meant to be that way. Maybe the pain and the struggle was what held us together. Maybe "the universe was right on schedule". And now you're meant to be my angel. Like I said I guess we'll never know. But I know I loved you even if I never told you."
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
Max kissed her fingertips and then laid them on the stone. "I'll never regret loving you, Logan. Only not telling you like I should have. I'll be back soon and I'll see you in my dreams."
By hurting you
Max slowly walked out of the deserted cemetery tightening her jacket and pulling on her gloves. She never noticed the brighter than normal star surrounded closely by others watching over her. Wishing for her. Waiting for her. Until it was time for her to come home to him again.
The End.
Author's note Part Two: I never really thought I'd be writing fanfic again. After I've been watching the reruns of Dark Angel on the SciFi channel I really have been getting hit with a lot more inspiration. I don't know if this really sounds like what Max would say I almost think it came out more in my voice. I don't write sad or serious very well in my opinion but I couldn't get this off my mind. I hope on some level it was enjoyable and maybe I'll be writing more in the future. Thanks for reading!
When Max refers to "her baby" I meant it to mean her motorcycle. Sorry if there was any confusion and thanks to Lilmouse for making me realize there could be. I am definitely no good at this serious stuff