Naruto's POV
She hadn't even realised that she pushed her limits with Shikamaru. Even when she pulled pranks and was loud to get attention she never drew individual attention to herself. Except when Shikamaru ended up with chalk in his hair. It wasn't that she couldn't help laughing at him. It hadn't bubbled up in a way that she couldn't force back down. At the time she had figured she acted the way she did because Shikamaru looked so much like his father who had always been kind but it was Shikamaru's attention afterwards that made Naruto realise why she had stepped out of her usual bounds. He had never looked at her with hatred or disgust. Normally his eyes glazed over her, not really noticing her. Unlike the other students he didn't see her as annoying, and unlike Choji he didn't see her as an eyesore. That realisation helped to soothe the sting of Choji's rejection. She came to this discovery when Shikamaru started to notice her.
From the day that she brushed the chalk off him his eyes had stopped glossing over her. On the contrary, his eyes saw her in a sharp focus that Naruto wasn't sure she was comfortable with. The idea that someone saw her as something other than a monster was foreign to her. Even those who didn't spit her name with acid often had a formal, distant air to them. But Shikamaru hadn't been formal. He had studied her. Ever inch, every gesture, every inflection. And that terrified her. What if she really was the monster everyone said? What if she was an incompetent moron?
Even though she was scared, she also didn't want Shikamaru to stop. It was exciting, to be seen with something other than hatred. There was something about her that intrigued him. So when he asked her to spend time with him and his friends she had said yes, even if it meant being near Choji. Maybe she didn't have to worry about becoming a monster, maybe she could become something else and Shikamaru could help her discover what that was. She let him study her, even though he discovered she couldn't read. Instead of hurting her with the information he used it to help her. It was the first kind act someone had done for her since Choji's rejection, and she held her breath, waiting to find where it would go wrong. But it didn't.
As they grew older, Shikamaru's gestures became more subtle, gentler, more frequent, and yet bolder. Every time he did something she had to remind herself that he was just being kind. That he probably pitied her. Even when constantly reminding herself of this she still fought hard to commit every touch and kind word to memory. When they left the academy she had thought those memories would have been enough. She had never expected to miss Shikamaru's annalistic gaze. Was she no longer interesting? Or had he realised she was a monster and wanted to be as far from her as possible?
It began to bother her that Choji liked to frequent Ichiraku ramen. Whenever she saw him appear at the food stand she would feel herself smile and look around for a bored looking boy. The disappointment that followed not seeing said boy was a sharp reminder that she was a monster and no longer interesting enough for Shikamaru to seek out.
She had tried to smother that feeling, especially when she was riding on the exhilaration of completing an A rank mission. And yet she had felt her smile drop at seeing the singular Genin joining her and Sasuke at the ramen stand. They had swapped stories about their recent missions, Sasuke pressing Naruto to tell Choji about the bridge named after her. When they left nearly an hour later Sasuke started laughing.
"What?" she sighed, wondering what weird thing set him off this time.
"Trust the emotionally repressed one to like the emotionally suppressed guy." When the blonde just raised an eyebrow in confusion he rolled his eyes. "You, you dummy, like Shikamaru! You were like a pouting little pup when you realised he wasn't with Choji. I thought you had a thing for him in the academy but now I know for certain."
"You're imagining things. You've been spending too much time with Sakura and now you just want to spread gossip," Naruto huffed. In reply her teammate just laughed.
"Aha, and I'm going to enjoy watching you and Nara awkwardly circle each other." He grinned at the glare that Naruto gave him.
She hated the sly smiles Sasuke gave her from then on when she would unconsciously scan crowds. Every time she saw that look she would scoff and lower herself off her toes and pretend she didn't care who was near her. That didn't stop the comments he made whenever they were alone. His favourite time to do so was when they were on missions. Naruto knew that if she yelled at him to shut up, Kakashi-Sensei and Sakura would have too many questions for them, which would just give him more amusement. On one particular mission she found herself unable to not blow up at him.
"Have you seen your boyfriend lately?" Sasuke taunted as Naruto stood in thigh high water, scaring fish into the path of Sasuke's kunai.
"Shut up," Naruto snapped, gathering the fish that Sasuke had already speared. She shoved them into the boy's arms before beginning to walk off towards camp.
"If your relationship is having that much trouble already maybe you should ask Sakura for advice," Sasuke snickered.
Turning sharply, Naruto went to threaten him with bodily harm if he breathed a word to the pink haired girl. However, before she could even make a sound she was slapped… by a fish. Blinking in surprise, the blonde looked down at Sasuke, who was doubled over laughing.
"I cannot describe the smell and sliminess that is now on my face," Naruto shuttered, only for Sasuke to laugh harder. With an annoyed huff she jumped forward, knocking Sasuke over and stealing his shoe. She lightly slapped him with the soul of the sandal before taking off running, making the boy hobble after her, demanding the return of his footwear. She refused until Kakashi-Sensei made Sasuke ask nicely.
When she saw Shikamaru again as they waited for the Chunin Exams to start she was thankful that Sakura was with them. If she hadn't been Sasuke would have surely started whispering things in her ear and laughing. Instead he just shot her a look before sneakily nudging her closer to the Nara.
When her teammate did that she became incredibly aware of her breathing and her heart racing. She tried to focus on slowing both whilst listening to the information being dumped on them. There was a stiffness to her body that came from the inquisitive stare that was analysing her. The feeling was familiar and exciting but also terrified her. He was probably studying her to see if she was still a monster. If only she wasn't. She had only seen Shikamaru once since discovering what she had caged inside. There was this thought that nipped at the back of her mind that what if Shikamaru knew now because she did, that he had somehow read her thoughts and knew how truly dangerous she was?
From then on she didn't have to scan a crowd in the hope of finding Shikamaru. She wasn't sure what changed, since Shikamaru didn't seem to be studying her like he used to, but she found herself in his company anyway. Part of their sudden companionship came from Shikamaru's sensei. Whenever Asuma-Sensei saw her he would joyfully declare that they needed a break from training, or would press them both into talking. Shikamaru was never one for many words and Naruto became uncomfortably aware of the fact that she couldn't bring up the Nine-Tails or that her new trainer was trying to help her use his chakra. These two factors often led to the two Genins standing in silence as Asuma-Sensei muttered about hopeless youth under his breath.
Even though the man was oddly fascinated by his student's friendship he was a kind man. When Naruto was suffering from chakra depletion he had taken it upon himself to make sure she had dinner and was walked home. Admittedly she had enjoyed the dinner, even if the sensei did disappear towards the start. It hadn't been until Shikamaru caught her as she toppled forward towards the hot plate that she realised that he had never really made physical contact with her since they were little and he had found her in the forest. He had hit her on the back when he had made her laugh with a mouthful of food but it wasn't the same as the gentle grasp he had of her shoulder, or the way his fingers had lingered on her shoulder when he pushed her back into the seat. After she had had food, allowing her to wake up, she tried to start a conversation with Shikamaru, remembering how she had missed him over the last six months. Surprisingly, the Nara reciprocated her attempts and found them easily joking and telling each other stories about their training.
After the dinner she had with him she had to focus on training again, which unfortunately landed her in the hospital. However, she woke to Shikamaru's smiling face, even after she exploded in panic he still smiled, thankful that she had recovered. She hadn't thought to question why he had been in her hospital room, and she hadn't felt worried that she had been vulnerable and instead found the idea of him sitting with her comforting. Even when she felt the same dark presence as whenever she saw Gaara it was Shikamaru standing with her that kept her level headed. He was much smarter than her and much calmer. Even when she admitted that she was a monster, a demon that could rival whatever Gaara thought was in him Shikamaru didn't flinch. Instead he gave her an angry look as he forced her to look at him.
"I don't understand this demon thing you said but you are not a monster!" He put one hand on Naruto's flat stomach. "Even if some sick bastard put a demon spirit in you that wouldn't make you a demon or a monster."
Naruto's heart started beating hard enough that for a moment she worried that it was going to break her chest apart. When Shikamaru took her hand and led her to Choji's hospital room she prayed that he wouldn't let go. She needed his touch. She had told him she was a monster. She had wanted him to run. They had become closer since the start of the Chunin exam and the idea of him finding out what she was later was too painful. She wanted him to leave on her terms. But he hadn't ran, instead he reassured her that even 'if' she had a demon inside her she could never be a monster. She had had to fight the desire to wrap her arms around him as tightly as she could.
She settled for holding his hand and when Choji went to the bathroom she had braved to reach up and gently run her fingers over the bruise forming on his jaw. She had caused it and yet Shikamaru gave her a lazy smile that made her face feel warm. There was still dread buried inside her though.
That fear shook her when Shikamaru had had to leave her, Sakura, and Kakashi-Sensei's dog to give them time to catch up with Gaara and the two other Sand ninjas. She had planned to volunteer to stay behind, realising whoever did were liable to die. When Shikamaru had declared that it had to be him she had wanted to scream no, had thought she had screamed no. She was the expendable one. She would have argued with him if it wasn't clear that he couldn't be persuaded. She had also felt a wave of violence come from Gaara. She couldn't leave Sasuke to fight him alone. However, she had to throw over her shoulder that Shikamaru had to catch up to them. He wasn't allowed to die!
She never said that she wasn't allowed to die though. The moment she had been able to sense Sasuke she knew something was dangerously wrong. The entire mission was going sideways. They had only a bunch of Genins and one Chunin to verse powerful opponents, she had been trapped inside a dirt dome and thought Shikamaru had betrayed her, and they kept losing allies. And when she finally caught up to Sasuke he just gave her a sad smile.
"Who else was on the team?" he asked.
"Neji, Choji, Kiba, and Shikamaru."
"Hmm. Do you love him? Shikamaru, I mean." Sasuke knelt down, washing his hands in the river.
"What? No!" She frowned at her teammate, wondering why he was acting strange.
"Too bad. If you did and he died, it could be like a part of you died instead. That would be better." Sasuke stood up, drying his hands on his pants leg. "But unfortunately even if it might work that way, we'll never know."
"Why would you want to kill Shikamaru though?" She took a tentative step towards him, assessing his relaxed stance.
"Because I don't want to kill you," Sasuke admitted mournfully.
"Sasuke, let's go back to the village. Sakura is worried about you and we've been out all night." She tried to give him an encouraging smile but was fairly certain it was a grimace instead.
"You know I need to defeat my brother." Sasuke still hadn't turned to face her as he whispered to the water lapping at his feet. "And I finally found out what I have to do to be strong enough."
With a shaky breath Naruto asked the question that her mind screamed to not utter. "What do you have to do?"
"I should have guessed it would be you," Sasuke continued as though he hadn't heard her. "I tried to ice everyone out after my brother, the one I cared about the most, betrayed me. And yet, somehow I knew when I first saw you that you were going to be the exception, you were going to be the one person I couldn't keep out. You're my sister." He finally turned to look at her, his face filled with regret. "I love you, Naruto."
Although she opened her mouth to reply, nothing came out. She wasn't sure what to reply. Sasuke was like her brother and the fact that he returned the sentiment should have filled her with joy. Instead something about the way he said it filled her with fear. She had the thought perhaps love was nothing but fear, fear for the person you loved, whether it be for their safety or for your own.
"That's my key to being strong enough to defeat my brother, Naruto. I have to kill my best friend. And that's you. You're the only one I care about."
As her world tilted Sasuke charged. She barely had time to stumble back, missing Sasuke's kunai at her throat by centimetres. If it hadn't been for Kakashi-Sensei's and Pervy-Sage's training she wouldn't have been able to instinctively pull out a kunai of her own to block his next blow. The strength of the swing reverberated through her arm. She gritted her teeth when Sasuke twisted the blade, making it bite into her fingers. Pushing back, ignoring the slippery blood that ran down her hand, she forced Sasuke to step back, giving her the opportunity to jump away.
She wanted to scream at him to stop but she knew it wouldn't have worked. His face was set into a hard expression. His attacks were précised, calculated. No matter what though, Naruto couldn't bring herself to retaliate. A small voice in the back of her mind told her that she couldn't win the fight if she was holding herself back and her opponent was fighting to kill. Oddly enough, the voice sounded like Shikamaru instead of one of her teachers. She couldn't listen to it though. She couldn't attack Sasuke with more than blunted teeth.
Knocking him out, that was the answer. Knocking him unconscious and dragging him back to the village. But there was no denying that Sasuke wasn't holding back. She had hoped that when it came down to the fatal blow that Sasuke wouldn't follow through.
That hope was ripped from her mind as she felt her flesh tear apart, birds screeching in her ear. The electricity ran through her body, making her heart spatter. Naruto took a shuttering breath before coughing blood onto Sasuke's cheek. A tear ran down his face to smear the crimson splatter. As she watched another fall her knees buckled, leaving her to hang heavily on Sasuke's arm. The weight pushed at her collar bone, making her realise just how far her teammate's hand was through her body. For a moment she wondered if the electricity would make her glow.
The chirping stopped and Sasuke's free arm came around her waist, holding her up. As he removed the arm spearing her chest she noticed blood and the clinging sent of charred flesh. Naruto looked up at Sasuke's face, not hearing the words that tumbled from his lips as she struggled to breath.
I just wanted to save you, she thought.
Are you going to let him win like this? a voice asked in her mind. It was rough, and angry, with a cynical wit to it. She had heard the voice before. She used to talk to it when locked in the Iron Box for days. It fed her fire, telling her to not go out in such a pathetic way. She had thought it was an imaginary friend at the time. Now she had her doubts. I'm not letting some Uchiha kill me so you better find your feet.
It's hard. I can't feel them.
Try kicking him, that might help, the voice sniggered. You useless brat. I suppose I can help you if it means I won't die.
She watched Sasuke's eyes widen as red chakra flowed off her violently. Unfiltered rage filled Naruto as her heart continued to spatter. Her ripped, charcoal flesh closed, hiding her blackened heart. Whilst she had control over her limbs she had little control over her intentions. She matched Sasuke blow for blow. Every injury he landed healed before a drop of blood managed to hit the ground. Even with her new fighting drive, when her kunai was going to strike Sasuke's jugular she stopped herself, costing her valuable energy. As she found herself hitting the bank of the river hard and her heart giving one final, pitiful pulse she couldn't regret not taking that deadly strike on her brother. He was her best friend, even as he killed her.
When she opened her eyes to pain spiking continuously through her body she felt a stab of regret. Sasuke had tried to kill her, was lost down a path that she might not be able to save him from and the one thing she could give him she had withheld. Gritting her teeth against the cry of pain clawing at her throat she sat up, picking Sasuke's forehead protector off the bedside table. She knew it was his because it had a deep scratch through the Leaf symbol. The mark of a rogue ninja!
Naruto had no idea how long she sat and stared at the metal plate, her eyes becoming unfocused many times. She slowly turned her head when she heard the door open, assuming it was one of her doctors. However, it was Shikamaru, smiling at her lightly as he leant against the doorframe, arms crossed.
"Well, well, so you're awake, huh?" Shikamaru's voice rumbled through the room, soothing some of the guilt and questions running throughout her mind.
"Shikamaru!" she whispered, her lips tugging into a little smile as seeing him safe.
Next moment the boy had crossed the room, pulling Naruto into his arms. She flinched at first, remembering Sasuke's embrace as he pulled his arm out of her chest. The smell of fresh grass calmed her enough to hesitantly put her arms around Shikamaru, her battered heart giving a light, rapid beat, something she had never felt before. Hearing the Chunin's own heart beat steadily in her ear made her tighten her grip, worried that Shikamaru would slip away and leave her alone.
"Don't do that again!" Shikamaru muttered into her ear as his fingers weaved through her hair. "Never again do I want to hear that you've died."
The raw pain that Naruto heard in his voice made her throat close and her eyes to water. The contrast between Sasuke's mournful embrace and Shikamaru's caring, terrified one made her laugh softly. "I'm sorry."
When Shikamaru eventually let her go in favour of sitting at the end of her bed she felt lonely, already longing for his hold again. She wished even more that he would reach out for her when she explained what had happened after they had separated during the mission. Admitting that Sasuke was gone nearly broke her. She decided to turn the subject to a topic she had to apologise for.
"Shikamaru, what I said in the earth dome…"
"Forget it," the Nara cut in with a gentle smile. "I was trying to be convincing so if I got you believing it I must have been a good actor."
"Even if you forgive me I want you to know that I'm sorry for doubting you. I'll never do it again." And she meant it. Even if it was hard for her to trust people she did trust Shikamaru and had been truly shaken when he openly stated that he was going to betray them. She should have known he was faking it, but the sight of Choji opened old wounds.
She drew a deep breath when Shikamaru put a hand on her shin and gave a light squeeze. That small touch was enough to banish the loneliness, and helped to cushion the blow of Sakura's disregard of her. Her pleas for forgiveness fell on uncaring ears. Sakura assuming that Naruto had recklessly jumped into battle leading to her failing to save Sasuke cut much deeper. Shikamaru growling at Sakura in defence of Naruto was the only thing that gave her the determination to swear that she was going to return Sasuke to the village. She didn't add that she would be doing so for herself, not for Sakura.
When Sakura and Shikamaru were shooed out of her hospital room she kept the brave face on, even with Pervy-Sage. She refused to have anyone talk her out of saving Sasuke. Whenever she thought of letting him go the image of him crying as he tried to kill her appeared in her mind, the anguish on his face, the unheard words. He hadn't wanted to hurt her.
The sight of her jacket with a hole over the heart didn't help. When Shikamaru visited her again an hour later she finally broke. She barely managed to say how Sasuke had said he had to kill her because she was his best friend. Her voice had broken off towards the end. Shikamaru had apparently managed to catch her words or read her lips because he pulled her into his embrace, letting her cry into his chest. She always tried to not cry in general and crying in front of someone was something she refused to do. And yet, this was not the first time she had shown vulnerability whilst in Shikamaru's arms. She still remembered when he had found her in the forest freezing to death. His hold then was as comforting and needing as it was now.
The next day she felt lighter than she expected she would. Her body was still stiff and pained but she wasn't repeatedly questioning how she could have saved Sasuke. Shikamaru's continued presence allowed her to keep those thoughts at bay for longer. She even went so far as to engage in some good natured teasing with the boy when he started asking about who she had had a crush on years before. She didn't tell him who she had had feelings for but she did tell him the circumstances, something she hadn't even told Sasuke.
Shikamaru's gentle touches kept her together. When she accidentally aggravated her stomach muscles that were recovering from electrocution his caress helped to brush the pain off. His fear and anger at her carelessness made her work harder at calming herself but it wasn't until she was listening to his heart beat that she managed to slow her own. If he hadn't visited her that day she wasn't sure she would have been able to put herself back together.
Unfortunately once she was healed she was to leave the village. Whilst that was something she was looking forward too, since she would be training to become stronger, she wished that she had had time to say goodbye to those she cared about. This regret was what made her surprised when she sensed Shikamaru's chakra near her. She sent Pervy-Sage off ahead of her before turning to the Nara.
"How did you know I was there?" He walked closer, noticing that their street was empty.
"I sensed your chakra. I'm getting better at it." Naruto grinned. "Did you come to say goodbye?"
"Yeah, I did," Shikamaru admitted. "Make sure you actually train."
"You're one to talk. Don't get yourself beat up while I am gone, and know I will come back stronger than you. Believe it." Naruto pointed a finger at Shikamaru.
Shikamaru chuckled at her before his jaw set. When he stepped forward sharply she flinched but that instinct was lulled when she felt his hands cupping her jaw. She had no fear when he lunged, a sensation that was new to her. Shikamaru kissed her. The first thing that came to mind was that this kiss was much different to her accidental one with Sasuke. When she had gotten over her shock of the fall and realised she was kissing her soon-to-be teammate she had been filled with disgust, which quickly morphed into fear when she had felt the hostile chakra aimed at her. This time there was no danger, no horror, she was safe and it was actually quite pleasant.
Her mind had barely processed what was happening when Shikamaru pulled back. For a moment she felt a stab of disappointment as she felt his hands let go of her and stepped away. Shikamaru looked like he was waiting for her to say something but she honestly couldn't think of what she should say to someone who suddenly kissed her. There was a momentary thought that perhaps she was meant to thank him before she mentally slapped herself.
"Wha… I…"
"Naruto, I-"
"NARUTO, HURRY UP!" Pervy-Sage's loud voice cut over Shikamaru, making Naruto silently curse at his timing.
"I have to go," she realised, not noticing she voiced the words. She realised why Shikamaru had chosen now to kiss her. "I won't be back for two years."
"I know."
Those two words sent Naruto's mind crashing. She was right. She pushed down the confusing emotions that started to appear at that realisation. Instead she said goodbye as she raced off to the gate.
Pervy-Sage and Naruto had travelled for barely two hours when the man smirked at her. "So did that Nara boy kiss you?"
Naruto felt her face bloom red. "I don't know what you're talking about. Don't be creepy!"
/ / / / / /
Sporadically for the next two years Pervy-Sage would bring up Shikamaru. Naruto hadn't known that her teacher had such high regards for someone she wasn't certain he had talked to. During one particular occasion when she was trying to use her chakra to sense Pervy-Sage's presence and failing, she finally sighed, having enough of the man's pestering.
"Pervy-Sage, it was one kiss, two years ago!" she snapped, jumping to her feet and straightening out her dress.
"So you admit there was a kiss!" Pervy-Sage declared in triumph, making Naruto groan.
"Yes, okay," Naruto snapped. "He kissed me. But whatever made him kiss me is gone. It was two years ago."
"How do you know that he doesn't feel the same?"
She rolled her eyes. "Because it was two years ago! Besides, I think there's a little fact that he doesn't know about," she gestured to her figure, wrapped in a forest green sundress, "you know."
"That's actually a good point," Pervy-Sage admitted, gnawing on his lip. "But he's a smart kid so maybe he's worked it out." Naruto snorted. "Or you could tell him, he might not mind."
"No!" Naruto yelped. "What about if someone else in the village finds out?"
Pervy-Sage sighed. "You need to relax. He wouldn't tell anyone if he knew why you kept it a secret, and even so you are strong enough to protect yourself."
"Not if half the village attacks me," she squeaked.
Her large teacher rose to his feet, towering over the girl. He put his hands on her shoulders. "Kid, you're strong enough to protect yourself, and you have friends who will defend her. Besides… I wasn't going to say so but the Nara kid knows your gender. And at least has an idea as to why you're hiding it."
"You told him!" Naruto yelped, looking up at him with wide eyes.
"No. The day after your mission to save Uchiha, I found Nara in your hospital room. I got a chance to talk to him and he admitted it then, that's also when I realised he liked you."
"So, he knows?" Naruto asked slowly. "And he's okay that I've been lying? And his not going to tell anyone?"
Pervy-Sage shrugged, his gaze going skyward. "Like I said, he's a smart kid."
"I guess." Naruto paused. "You're not lying to me, are you?"
"Of course not! Why would I?" Pervy-Sage straightened up, grinning. "Anyway, the bartender told me about this town that's on our way back to the village that I want to stop at."
"Why?"
"Oh, well, there are a few people with sensory chakra that I thought could help you." At Naruto's raised eyebrow he sighed in defeat. "And they have very popular hot springs that are unisex."
"Of course," Naruto groaned. "If you're going to take us on a detour you better message Old Granny."
/ / / / /
She had to admit that the town had been nice, and she was thankful that she was able to find someone to teach her sensory chakra, even if he had a punishment game for failures. Even though she enjoyed herself she wasn't too happy that their detour took six months. She had had to threaten to send a letter to Old Granny herself as to why they were taking so long before Pervy-Sage agreed to leave. Admittedly their stay had gone on so long because of her training and Pervy-Sage publishing his latest novel so at least it hadn't been entirely because of Pervy-Sage not wanting to stop ogling naked women.
The sight of the village, looking as she remembered, though Old Granny's face on the Hokage Mountain, made her grin. She turned to look in the direction of Sasuke's apartment with the intention of going to see him only to remember with an uncomfortable clarity that he was gone. Her hand touched where the chidori had torn through her chest. Pervy-Sage had assured her a number of times that there was no scar but even so Naruto still believed that when the light hit her skin she could see a star shaped mark at the centre of Sasuke's target. With her tan it was more obvious to her eyes and yet Pervy-Sage kept insisting that she was seeing things.
Plastering a happy smile on her face, she climbed down from the street lamp that she had scaled to get a view of the village. With her training she could feel her natural defences of chakra sensing humming. It surprised her to realise how easily she scanned the chakra around her for threats. Over the two years worth of travel she had lowered her barriers but apparently they were quicker to come back than she thought possible. She tried to sense chakra signatures she might recognised, like Kakashi-Sensei, Sakura, or Shikamaru's, but she was quickly overwhelmed by the sheer number of people in the village.
Shaking off the dizziness such an experience caused, she pulled her chakra back in. Until she saw them in person there would be no way for her to memorise their chakra, allowing for her to find them whenever she wished. It wasn't hard for her to find Sakura, given that the pink haired girl found them on route to the Hokage Tower. Naruto wished she hadn't when Sakura hit her. All she had said was that her teammate hadn't changed at all. Admittedly, Naruto herself would have disliked someone saying she was the same person she was years before, but Sakura didn't appear to think that her younger self truly needed to grow.
When Shikamaru entered the office she recognised him instantly. For a moment she wondered if he was going to kiss her again. She had written him a letter that commented how she didn't mind the kiss, but she doubted that it would have stopped his feelings from going away. Even knowing that he wouldn't care for her anymore she let herself hope as he surveyed her form.
Then Sakura had commented harshly that Naruto hadn't changed and Shikamaru agreed with her. She was reminded sharply of the difference between Shikamaru's and her own worth. He was too kind, too smart, too… whole. She had fought hard to earn the village's respect, but deep down she knew she was still a monster.
Shikamaru whispered to her that he was glad she hadn't changed, something that both helped to soothe her pain and multiplied it at the same time. When she tried to subtly look at Shikamaru she noticed the woman standing next to him. She was pretty and strong looking, someone a person could easily see Shikamaru being with. Her eyes held a deadly intelligence that could match the Nara's, one that Naruto could never hope to hold. And lastly, the way she held herself had a confidence to it that Naruto tried to fake but always fell short on.
To suppress the envy and self-pity that was crawling up Naruto's throat she decided to focus on what Old Granny had said about a fight. She was relieved to find out that she wouldn't be fighting Shikamaru or his girlfriend. The last thing she needed was to be beaten by the mystery woman. Instead her opponent was to be Kakashi-Sensei, and she quickly realised she had the perfect tool to use against him.
Before she climbed out the window she shot Pervy-Sage a glare. It was his stupid voice over two and a half years that had made her actually hope that Shikamaru cared. And it was that little whisper that sent her mind spiralling. So many thoughts and questions rocketed around inside her that she couldn't even comprehend one of them.
She figured her best option was to do what she always did with complicated thoughts and emotions. She had enough to worry about without her heart giving a painful beat whenever she thought of the superior woman standing next to Shikamaru. The relief and doubt she felt when Shikamaru denied dating the woman just showed Naruto how much control he had over her. That realisation made her touch her 'nonexistent' scar.
Very few people through her life had had the power to control her. Huruma had been able to control her, in a literal sense. Mostly, the horrible woman would use Naruto's friendship with Varric to her advantage. And Naruto had known, when she found Waku dangling that she had been his weakness, his leash, bound tighter than the rope around his neck. She had thought she had learnt her lesson that day, that to care was to suffer. But then a little boy and his family had been nice to her when Huruma had taken her new allowance from her to 'pay for Yasu's formula'. She had never had someone her own age give her an act of kindness simply to be kind. She had cared, and then she had felt pain. She had grown to love Sasuke, and he almost literally ripped out her heart. Now she felt like she stood on the edge of a caesium filled with inky blackness and if Shikamaru chose to push her in it would hurt more than she would be able to handle.
She just had to remind herself. She was a monster and had to stay away from him. And yet, she flirted with him, she gave him a kiss when he was too drunk to know better. Even after he had rambled in a slur about loving Temari, she had kissed him. She stole the moment she didn't deserve, that weren't hers, and she didn't care. Part of her enjoyed this reckless behaviour of hers. If Shikamaru loved Temari, but showed Naruto affection the only one that would be hurt was herself. She had suffered nothing but pain, she would happily endure more for the illusion of being needed and desired. She couldn't bring herself to care how much Shikamaru was willing to use her as long as she was able to pretend that he only thought of her with every touch, or smile he gave her.
There was also a part of her that whispered, tempted, that maybe Shikamaru would come to care for her if she showed him affection that Temari wasn't. That small voice became a near deafening one when she found out that Shikamaru had not been talking about the Sand ninja. At that piece of knowledge a question sounded through her mind that brought every bit of emotion she had managed to bury back with a pounding thump of her heart. What if he was talking about her? He knew about the Nine-Tails and didn't care. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to silence the other voice in her head, the one that liked to remind her that she was a monster, that she was worthless. That voice questioned why Shikamaru be talking about her if he could be with anyone else, someone who wasn't broken.
She smothered that voice when she was summoned to the destroyed village. The doubt about hers and Shikamaru's relationship that had welled inside her during her training with the toads were silenced as she took in the village. Her chakra instantly reached out, searching for those she cared most about. She wasn't able to find Kakashi-Sensei, making her chakra reach out for Shikamaru and wrap around his own.
No matter how much personal insecurity she had, defeating Pain was not something she was going to blink at. He had taken Pervy-Sage from her, he was the student who betrayed their master, who had killed not one but two of her senseis, and, when she sent a clone to Shikamaru's side, she saw the pain on his face and the damage to his leg. She didn't let her anger consumer her. Pervy-Sage's voice rang in her mind as she sized Pain up.
"If you let your emotions rule you, you may as well stick yourself with your own kunai. There's no difference, kid. Emotions can be powerful, but dangerous if not used properly."
She had always seen emotions as a weakness. Pervy-Sage had spent a good portion of their two years training trying to teach her that sometimes they were your greatest ally. But when facing one of her greatest rivals her emotions were like telling all her fears to Huruma. Instead she reminded herself that she had been trained by three of the best ninjas and she was going to get justice for two of them.
Pain was a powerful opponent, or plural. And she realised what it took Hinata's clansmen a while to figure out and relay to her. With each Pain that was destroyed, the others gained a power boost. She knew she had to be careful. As the battle went on she lost strength and time. But at the same time she needed the Pains to deplete so that the real one's chakra would light up as a beacon for her. She had tried stretching her chakra out to find him but found she couldn't whilst trying to concentrate on the fight.
Even with the help of the two Nara men she found her strength giving out. She still had this Pain, the one who had been Pervy-Sage's student, and still had the real Pain to find and beat. When Pain, who the toads had told her was once named Yahiko, stabbed her with some of his rods she wasn't even sure if she cried out. However, she felt her throat tear as she screamed at Shikamaru to run. When she looked at him and saw the determination in his eyes she started to cry. She could sense his chakra dipping dangerously. Reaching out with her chakra, her fingers twitching, she funnelled her own into the man. The more she gave him though, the more he used. She could feel it. Her natural healing chakra was straining to heal the damage to Shikamaru's chakra veins. If she had hesitated for a second in giving him her remaining energy he would be dead. And when she looked at him, trying to fight off Pain whilst also trying to remove the rod in her stomach she knew he didn't care how close he came to death.
"I'm not leaving you, you idiot."
All the fight drained from her body as spots danced in her vision and her body burnt.
Keep this up, kid, and you're going to die. Back off!
Naruto ignored the rough voice. Shikamaru's refusal to leave led to Pain throwing him high into the air. Pressure pressed against her ears, the silence painful. Stretching out her hand she tried to send out her chakra. She had encompassed him in her chakra before, when they were younger. If she made the sphere strong enough he would be safe.
Are you trying to kill yourself?
I'm trying to save Shikamaru! As she was pulled into the space within connecting her and the Nine-Tails time slowed.
You don't have enough chakra for that.
Then give me some of yours! Because, I'm not dumb. If I die, you die, and honestly, that would be the best option for the entire world. It would take you at least ten years to reform and in that time the ninja villages can take down the Akatsuki.
You would kill yourself to save the village? After everything they have done to you, after the amount of times I have had to regrow your flesh for you? All for this boy?
Not just for him.
Didn't Huruma teach you that it's not wise to get attached?
She did. And getting attached to Shikamaru was probably the most dangerous thing I've ever done, especially with what I have planned, but you know what? It was worth it. And so is caring for the village.
Oh, now I have to hear this plan of yours. A grumbled chuckle sounded through her mind.
If you promise to save Shikamaru and the village from Pain… I will undo the seal. You can take over my body. I'll let you turn me into the monster that everyone saw me as. As long as you save everyone, starting with Shikamaru!
Naruto felt a surge of chakra flow through her arm, extending out to wrap around Shikamaru seconds before he was to hit the ground. At the same time Naruto faced the Nine-Tails' cage. The borrowed chakra was loosening the seal. She stared into the eyes of the beast that had tormented her life, the monster everyone saw when they had looked at her, the reason she knew what it felt like to have ribbons cut from her flesh, the reason she still flinched at creaks in the night.
Should we make the Akatsuki regret every coming after us?
Sounds like a plan I can get behind.
With a breath, she reached out for the seal separating her from the fox.
/ /
So these chapters a bit harder to write than I expected, hence I've decided to break it up into a number of chapters. And you all finally get a Naruto POV chapter. Hope you all like. R and R.