Selene grabbed a slice of pizza from the box on the table and dropped down onto the couch next to Gordon, uncaring as to the fact that he was barely dressed. When you watched him dive in and out of the pool in his Olympic issue swimming speedos just because he felt like it, you were pretty much desistized to anything.
She took a bite and made a face, it wasn't the best pizza she'd ever had, not that that would stop her, she started to chew. Tonight was definitely the time for comfort food and pizza, even when bad, is still pretty good.
"Why are you in my flat?" she asked around a mouthful. She chewed some more and swallowed quickly when she saw the look on his face. "Not that I mind you letting yourself in, you know you're always welcome. But I thought you were with Penny for the whole weekend."
Gordon shrugged casually, but his eyes flickered towards the discarded pile of clothes on the floor beside the couch. It looked like one of his new suits and really shouldn't have been treated in such a way. The jacket was scrumpled in a ball and the pants left where they had fallen, the shirt lay tossed over the arm of the couch and the shoes had been kicked off haphazardly, one lying under the table while the other had flown clear across the room to land by the dresser.
"Didn't feel like it once I got there, I left Penny to her networking and caught a cab back here as I wouldn't have been able to get into the manor."
Selene scowled, that wasn't like him, he was one of the more social Tracys and, since he was still relatively young, he usually jumped at the chance to spend time off island if he could. A party or a dinner was usually greeted with great enthusiasm. She decided to ignore that for now, he'd tell her in his own time. Years ago she would have pushed him more, but now they all knew her well enough to know that she was there to listen whenever they needed her and would seek her out if they wanted to.
"How was the conference?" she asked instead, swiping his bottle of beer, one of John's he had obviously liberated from the fridge, and taking a sip. "You must have been so excited to be asked to speak."
Again he shrugged. "It was OK, I'm pretty sure they only asked me out of courtesy for Penny and because it looked good to have someone from International Rescue on the schedule. It was pretty boring really."
"Why did you say yes then? It's not like you don't have a good excuse to get out of anything you don't fancy."
"Penny said it would be good for me to start making a name for myself, she's right, I'm not getting any younger-"
Selene snorted at this, Gordon was only 26, he had his whole life ahead of him. Although, if anyone knew that your life could be changed or even snuffed out at any moment, it was Gordon, so she kept quiet.
"She said that I should start thinking about my long term plans. We can't be doing International Rescue full time forever and, while we do have enough money to never have to work, you know we'd all get bored. Everyone else seems to have a backup already, John does his remote lectures and writes his books, and you know that he's always being called on to consult or collaborate with someone for something or another. Virgil has that fancy engineering degree of his, he's always tinkering around with Brains and the things they invent together could keep them busy for years to come. Alan is all fresh and new, he's already making a name for himself online with his team ups with Brandon, and Scott could walk into a job with the air Force or the GDF without even pausing to ask, then there's me, no college education, no specialist subjects-"
"Bullshit," Selene cut in. "A college education isn't for everyone, just because you don't have a piece of paper doesn't mean you aren't smart or an expert in your field. Someone once told me that, because I didn't have that kind of higher education I wasn't as smart as them, that I wasn't capable of making decisions because I didn't have the same knowledge they did. But knowledge is subjective, babe."
Gordon snorted at that, he knew what it was like too, he knew how people would judge him as the dumb brother because he'd chosen a different path than the more academic one the others had taken.
"It's true," she insisted. "Look at John, as much as I adore that man, he's proof that all the book smarts in the world can't always compare to common sense or life experience. You can know all about astrophysics but if you don't know how to interact with people or how to survive in the world then you're fucked either way. You are amazing, you know science and biology and genetics or you wouldn't have made those beautiful fish or done so much for marine conservation and, no matter who you're dating, the Friends of the Ocean yearly conference would not have let you speak if you didn't know your shit."
"I know," he sighed, "but it doesn't always feel that way, you know?"
"Oh, believe me I know," she rolled her eyes and reached for another slice of pizza.
"I guess it's just hard to be surrounded by such high achieving brothers. I look at Penny and I think what is she doing with me? She would be much better suited to someone like Scott, or John, you know."
"I'm pretty sure that Cat and I would have something to say about that. Besides, look at me and John, it's not like anyone would put us two together. On paper we shouldn't work at all, we're far too different. Yet we do. You can't help who you fall in love with."
Gordon's eyes slid sideways to watch her, the tone in her voice telling him that she wasn't just talking about his brother at that moment. There was something there that spoke of past experiences that didn't hold good memories for her.
He frowned, a thought occurring to him, one that he just had to voice.
"Sel, why are you here? You don't have any clients booked, I know because you said that was why Scott had to drop me off, because you weren't heading back for at least a week."
Selene kept quiet, her eyes on her pizza slice. This wasn't like her, she usually needed to be prised off his brother and dragged away kicking and screaming. She liked to spend the majority of her time on the island with them even if John wasn't home.
"Did something happen?" Gordon's voice was quiet, comforting, not pushing her to speak but inviting her to confide in him if she wanted to.
"I just needed some space, some time alone," she finally admitted, still not looking at him as she fiddled with the crust of her pizza.
"Oh, do you need me to go? Sorry, I know I should have asked but I didn't know where else to go and I couldn't really face the questions back home." Trust him to burst in and make himself a nuisance when he wasn't welcome, it seemed to be the story of his life.
"No, you're fine," she assured him, patting his bare knee. "I get it. I don't need space from you, just your idiot brothers."
"Which ones, I have a lot," he grinned, relaxing a little now that they were back on more familiar territory.
"John and Scott."
His eyebrows rose at this. Scott he could understand, but she never needed time away from John, in fact she was always complaining that she didn't get enough.
"I walked out on my husband," she whispered, the slice of pizza hanging limply from her fingers. "He was upset and so was I but I left him, I walked out."
Gordon could not have been more shocked if she had suddenly grown a fishtail and whacked him in the crotch with it.
"Tell me what happened," he said, it wasn't a question, it was a silent demand, showing him to have the same authority that his father had, just in a more laid back package.
She didn't want to talk, she didn't want to drag it all up again now that she had finally calmed down from her breakdown at ten thousand feet. She didn't want to start thinking about it all again, but Gordon was there, all endearing face and big brown eyes that implored her to talk to him, to trust him. Maybe he wouldn't judge her too harshly, maybe he would understand. She risked a glance his way, seeing the firm set to his jaw, letting her know on no uncertain terms that he was not prepared to let this go.
"John punched my ex-fiance in the face and broke his nose," she answered, knowing she had no other choice.
OK, if he had thought her last statement was shocking this little revelation shot it into orbit.
"He…what? John? My brother John?"
"Yep, with the other dumbass tagging along for good measure apparently."
"OK, OK, give me a second to get my head around this, I need to process. My brother, the one that is usually so against violence of any kind, straight up punched your ex?"
Selene nodded.
"Come on, surely you aren't pissed off at him for that? He must have had a good reason for it!"
"Well, Nathaniel isn't a good guy at the best of times..."
"Nathaniel? I don't know about him."
Selene frowned, glancing his way again. Was he being honest with her right now, did he really not know? Surely if Penny knew then she would have told Gordon too?
"Penny didn't tell you?" she asked, needing to clarify.
"One thing to remember about Penny is that she's very good at keeping secrets and knows how to keep things close to her chest. She only ever tells what she thinks you need to know," he chuckled lightly but to Selene's ears it lacked his usual humour, sounding a little flat. "So, spill, I'm all ears. You know that a problem shared is, well maybe not a problem halved but at least you won't be suffering on your own."
Selene smiled softly, he really was the best boy. She'd admit that if she had to pick someone to open up to and talk to about her problems, Gordon probably wouldn't be at the top of her list, but in times like these he reminded her of just how awesome he really was. It was easy to forget that he could be serious, it often got lost in the bad jokes and his general enthusiasm for life, but that didn't mean that he wasn't as dependable as the others.
"It's a long story."
"I've got time," he gestured down to his almost naked self and the half eaten pizza. "Not like I'm going anywhere."
Selene paused, did she really want to dredge it all up again? The answer was no, but, whatever Nathaniel did as retaliation, and there was no question that he would, was bound to spill over into all their lives. They would all find out sooner or later, hell, it seemed like half of them knew already, it would be better for it to come from her in her own words.
"We're gonna need more beer," she sighed, tossing the half eaten pizza slice back in the box.
-x-
Gordon experienced a wide range of emotions while Selene poured out the entire story to him. He watched her face, registered her body language, and heard the changes in tone as she told him all about her relationship with Nathaniel. He heard the way she sounded both angry and resigned as she spoke of how he had treated her and how she had finally been pushed that little bit too far, when he had physically slapped her rather than just throwing things or pushing her, and she had demanded he leave.
She told him about her breakdown just an hour before their wedding and how John had talked her round, proving once again that he was nothing like Nathaniel. She had thought that John was calm about it, but hadn't factored in the fact that he would be doing some investigations of his own.
"So, they only told me because my happy fists husband knew that there was no way I'd not find out," she finished. "And I just...I just couldn't stay there any longer."
Gordon stared at her like he was seeing her for the first time. He'd know that she was a determined thing, and scary in her own way, but he'd put that down to her seemingly unending confidence in herself and her ability to not give a single fuck about what people thought of her. He'd thought that she'd been born with that level of self assurance, that she hadn't ever let anyone put her down or make her feel bad, but now he realised that he couldn't have been further from the truth.
He thought back to all the times he'd teased her, not in a bad way, just the same as he would any of his siblings, about one thing or another. Most of the time she would shoot right back with teasing of her own but, very rarely, she would react in a negative way. He'd put it down to her just being an overly sensitive, not to mention dramatic, female, but now he realised that some things had just hit a little too close to home for her, obviously reminding her of the things that Nathaniel had said to her.
"How did you do it?" he asked in complete awe, unable to imagine just how much she had endured.
"Do what? Put up with your brother this long without killing him? It's a hard job, but someone has to do it."
She was doing it again, deflecting a question with humour, something he was intimately familiar with. Any time she got even the slightest bit of praise or a question that made her uncomfortable she would deflect, just as she was now. Well he wasn't about to let her get away with it any longer, he knew the value of praise, of people recognising your achievements. In a family such as his, where overachieving wasn't so much a hobby as a lifestyle, he knew how many times he had compared himself to one of his older siblings, even Alan on some occasions, and how much he had needed his own specialities and achievements to be acknowledged. He didn't do anything for the recognition or praise, but it certainly helped when he was having a day when his own insecurities were making their presence known.
"No, how did you put up with all that and not only survive it but come out of it stronger?"
Selene shrugged, clearly uncomfortable but one look at his face showed she wasn't going to be able to ignore his question.
"I never used to be strong, and I think I survived it purely because I was too ignorant to know any different-"
"You are not ignorant!"
"I appreciate the sentiment," she smiled softly. "But in this I was, he was far too clever for me. If he had started treating me badly from the moment we met then he'd have never gotten past the third date, let alone to sharing a house. He was subtle, calculated and deliberate in how he did it. He told me he loved me and I never believed that someone could be so cruel to someone they loved, so I made a lot of excuses for him."
Gordon nodded, he could understand that, it was a classic tactic, gain a person's trust first and then start to implement changes. "No one should ever take advantage of the love someone gives them and they certainly shouldn't ever use the idea of love as a weapon."
"I know, but he did. He took his time," she continued, speaking as if she were telling him the plot of a movie, mentally distancing herself from the situation, like she was talking about someone else entirely.
"At first it was just him giving me advice and help with problems and tasks. Because he was a bit older than me he acted like he knew better purely for being more experienced. He never told me what to do, he didn't push me, because he knew I'd rebel, instead he'd say things like 'have you tried doing it like this' or 'are you sure you want to do that', 'do you need my help with that' 'here, let me do it it'll be easier for you' things that made me question myself more than him."
Gordon nodded again, showing that he was listening but giving her time to say whatever it was she needed to. He'd learnt from her and John, knowing the value of when to keep his big mouth shut, knowing when a situation needed delicate handling because, as much as his brother might think otherwise, he could be delicate.
"Slowly he got worse, he'd do things for me, ostensibly to help, but he never asked if I wanted him to, and then he started taking over other things and if I questioned it he'd blow up at me, saying that I didn't appreciate him and that I was ungrateful. Over time he essentially conditioned me to think that I couldn't do things for myself and that I needed him. That's it really, that's it in a nutshell, he made me believe that I needed him and that if I left him I wouldn't be able to cope without him. That's what abusers do, they make you believe that you need them, that you couldn't survive without them, so the things you put up with seem like a small thing to put up with compared to not having them there."
"That's crazy," Gordon whistled, seeing the full picture beginning to form in his mind's eye. "I can't believe that someone would be that calculating and cruel."
"So you don't think that I'm an idiot for letting it happen?" she scoffed, "don't worry, I wouldn't blame you if you did. I blamed myself for it for years. I should have known better, but I was young and thought I was in love and I honestly didn't believe that anyone could knowingly be like that. I kept telling myself that he didn't mean it, that he wasn't doing it on purpose."
"Of course I don't blame you, and no one should," Gordon sighed, his quiet evening away from everything had taken a turn that he had never expected. He looked at his sister-in-law, the person that had supported and loved each and every one of them from the moment she had entered their lives, his next words coming out low and sad. "You were abused, Sel. You were abused and you were hurt and that is never the victim's fault. Never."
"I know," she whispered, accepting the hand he offered her, knowing that touch and physical support was a big thing for her, and squeezing it gratefully. "I know that now. I see the signs now. That's why I'm so conscious of never, ever doing anything to anyone that could be in any way controlling. Nathaniel tried to turn me into the perfect little wife, subservient, 'normal', dressed how he wanted and acting how he wanted and I honestly think that if it hadn't been for my friends and my beliefs he would have succeeded. I wouldn't have had the strength to see the truth and feel like being alone would be better than what I had there."
"I dread to think what would have happened if you hadn't had that level of outside support," Gordon said.
"I learnt from it," she shrugged, brushing it aside as she so often did. "I vowed that I would never allow anyone to try to change me again and that I would never change for anyone else. I honestly thought I'd stay single forever, I was happy with myself at that point, I was happy to just have my friends and family and I didn't need anything else. Going through something like that, it makes you wary, you know? I had a reputation, a social facade of a flirty, huggy, cheeky, person, but I honestly never had any real interest in anyone until John. He just made me want to take a risk, to actually believe that there were good people out there, honestly, you all did, because you came out to rescue me that night with no questions asked, you didn't know me yet you still helped."
"And you insulted me, you called me small and demanded a new rescuer," Gordon reminded her, earning himself a watery smile.
"Never going to let me forget that, are you?"
"Not on your life."
She nodded, accepting this. She was quiet for a few seconds until he dropped her hand and lifted his arm in invitation for her to move close. She hesitated for a moment and he thought that she would deny him, but she didn't. She moved slowly but she moved, shuffling along the sofa until he could wrap his arm around her.
"Promise me one thing?" she asked quietly.
"Sure."
"Promise me that you won't ever compromise. Promise me that you'll never, ever allow the opinions of others to make you feel bad and like you aren't good enough. Because you're perfect just as you are, and anyone that can't see that isn't worthy of you or your time."
Gordon stayed quiet, letting her talk, feeling there was more to come. It was strange to hear her talking in such a way, to see her so vulnerable. She was the one that helped give them strength in the hard times and he wasn't used to being the one to give it back to her, that was usually the job of the two brothers she was currently avoiding.
"If you have to change yourself for anyone, friends, a loved one, then it's not real. I didn't know that at the time, I tried so hard but I was never good enough. It's true when they say that there is give and take in any relationship, but it should never be as one sided as mine was, and it should never be because the other party demands it."
He nodded, giving her a little squeeze. She reached for his hand, linking their fingers again where his arm was draped across her shoulders.
"That's why I've never pushed John, why I never force him into anything that he truly doesn't want to do or really isn't comfortable with."
"But he's changed, he's different with you," Gordon pointed out, although there was no accusation in his tone. "He's more relaxed, more approachable, less likely to cut himself off from us. He's more comfortable in himself than I've ever seen him."
Despite the fact that she was currently sitting with him and not with her husband, Gordon knew that it would be a very temporary thing. They gravitated towards each other like planets orbiting the sun, they didn't seem able to be apart for too long. John might have made an error in judgement which had resulted in their first real disagreement, but Gordon was confident they would work it out.
He would admit it, he had always looked up to them as a couple since he hadn't really had much experience of a healthy, functioning relationship while growing up. It wasn't that his parents hadn't been happy or completely devoted to each other, but circumstances had been different for them, their father had spent months away from home, months where their mother had had to pick up the slack and keep the home in order, they had very likely talked about things and made decisions together when he and his brothers had been in bed or out of the house, but they had never seen it. They had never seen them functioning in the way that John and Selene did.
Grandma and Grandpa Tracy had spent holidays with them, as had Grandpa and Grandma Canning, but that wasn't too frequent and he could barely remember it. Grandpa Tracy had died with their mother and not long after her death her parents had pretty much faded from their lives altogether, finding it too painful to be around them, to have five living, breathing reminders of the daughter they had lost.
None of his brothers had had any real long term relationships that they had brought home and even less so after they had moved to the Island full time. John had been the one to finally break the trend. From the start they had had a natural closeness that had only deepened with time, relaxed in each other's company and ever conscious of the other's thoughts and feelings. They laughed together, they cried together and they were stronger together, they were, in Gordon's eyes at least, the definition of couple goals, the gold ring that he himself was reaching for.
"He's changed because he wanted to, not because I did. I loved him just as he was, I never saw him as a project. I've seen so many people that get with someone and immediately start listing all their problems," Selene continued, in her stride now, determined to give him all the life advice that she herself had never gotten.
"I adapted my life for John, for all of you really, and he's adapted for me, because we wanted to, not because we were pushed into it. I'd like to hope that he's changed because he knows that he's loved and that I accept him just how he is regardless. I'd never expect him to change who he really is inside."
He loved Selene, he really did, but his loyalty would always lie with his brother, first and foremost. He knew how abandonment could affect him, he'd seen how John had reacted when he'd lost friends or loved ones, whenever he felt like he wasn't good enough or had done something wrong, something to chase them away. He knew that Selene walking away was her right and that she wasn't wrong in needing time, but he had to make sure that she was doing it for the right reasons, rather than being clouded by the memories of her past.
"You and John are the strongest couple I know," he started, keeping his tone gentle, with no hint of accusation, knowing that it must be incredibly hard for her to even be talking to him this way after the day she had had. He could feel how tense she was against his side, sitting stiffly with none of the boneless melting she usually did. "And you have no idea how much we all appreciate how much you love and care for him-"
"Why do I sense a but coming?" Selene asked, turning her head to look up at him, suspicion written all over her face. "I know you, I know you flatter before you admit to having done something wrong, like breaking my favorite flip flops with your big, fat boy toes."
"So first I'm too small but now I have fat toes?"
"If the shoe doesn't fit," she deadpanned. "You didn't deny the but…"
"But," Gordon continued, gathering his courage to actually say what was on his mind, "You just said you'd never try to change John-"
"And I haven't!"
"Yet you're here, alone, because he did something that you should have expected him to do. Something that was very much him, Scott too. You're expecting him to be someone he's not."
"What do you mean?" her tone dripping with warning.
"John is a good man-"
"I know that!" She sat up then, shrugging off his arm, her eyes shining with a mixture of hurt and confusion as she scooted away. He noticed the way she tucked herself into the corner of the couch, drawing her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. He'd never seen her look so small, so vulnerable.
"John is a good man," he pushed on, determined to say his piece, no matter if it upset her more. She was obviously riding her own emotional roller-coaster but that didn't mean she could ignore his brother's feelings. "A man that helps save countless lives every week. He goes out of his way to help us help others and that was obviously what he was trying to do here. You should know that well enough by now."
"I do know that," she said quietly, so low he could barely hear it. "I know why he did it and I'm not really angry at them, I'm hurt, because this was my history, my story to share, not his. John decided to take that out of my hands and share with Scott, Kayo and Penelope so that he could do what he felt he had to, but if he'd of asked me I'd have told him that the reason I never went into details or told anyone the real story was because I'd moved on as best I could and Nathaniel has no place in my life now. John didn't give me an option and in doing so, took away my rights to choose, the same thing Nathaniel used to do."
"Sometimes, no matter how smart John appears to be or how much he's cha-" he caught himself and corrected, "evolved by being with you, he's still his socially awkward self underneath. If you didn't tell him specifically that you didn't want him to tell anyone he would do what comes naturally to him, which is to gather all the information, liaise with his team and delegate until the job is done. He's used to making a decision on what to do for the best, that's his job."
"But I'm not," she argued, her voice a little stronger now, he was happy to note. He didn't like hearing her sound so defeated, so to see her fighting back, just a little, to see her spark igniting, even a tiny bit, was reassuring.
"You're not what?" he had to ask, a little confused.
"I'm not part of his job."
"No, you're much more than that, you're his wife, but that's still quite new to him and when John is unsure he falls back on what he knows. His job is to look out for people, to look out for us, he's a master at anticipating problems before they happen. He wouldn't have thought to ask you about it because he doesn't do that when he's trying to solve a problem, when he's trying to help save someone."
"I didn't need saving, I saved myself," Selene hissed, uncurling slightly as she went from fearfully suspicious to angry. Gordon held in the smile, this was a Selene he was familiar with, this he could deal with.
"I dragged myself out of that situation, I let go of the past and I made myself a new future and now, now they have done just that, brought that arsehole back into my life without even considering how I'd feel about it!"
"I get that, I really do, but it was only a matter of time. You married into one of the most famous families in the world, you've been associated with us for a long time, Sel. If he's still as bad as he was back then he would have come at us no matter what, logically you know that."
She stayed quiet, not wanting to admit out loud what she already had to herself.
"John wasn't trying to save you, he was trying to save others. So, unless you actually did want to change him, and therefore everything you just was a pile of shit, you can't blame him for it."
"He's poison," she whispered, "and I never wanted John to have anything to do with him. I wanted my life with him, with all of you, to not be tainted by his hatred and nastiness."
Gordon shrugged, in that effortlessly casual way of his, reaching for his beer off the table. "You can't always get what you want, Sel, you should know that better than anyone."
He took a large swig from his bottle and offered it to her. He thought she'd ignore it on principle, hell he would have if someone had been talking to him the way he just had to her, but once again she surprised him by reaching out and taking it.
"You know John, probably better than anyone does, you get him in a way that none of us have ever been able to, and because you know him you should have known how his mind would work. John likes to know where he stands, what's expected of him. If there were conditions to the information you gave him you should have made that clear. He's not as intuitive as you and you know he'd do anything to protect you. He did it out of love but also a sense of duty-" he held up his hand to cut her off before she could tell him that duty shouldn't have come into it. "Not duty to you, as you weren't the one he wanted to save."
"I know that," she admitted quietly. "I know all of that, you didn't even have to say it. I know he did the right thing in trying to help others, I just wanted him to talk to me about it. Nathaniel always kept me in the dark, he always took my choices away. I just wanted a heads up so I could have prepared myself for it."
"Did you explain all that to John?" he gestured for the bottle and she passed it back, uncurling herself fully from her defensive position as she did so.
"Did you explain to Penny why you're pissed off?" she countered, obviously far more observant than he had given her credit for.
He shook his head reluctantly, not meeting her eye. "This isn't about me, it's about you."
"I did tell him," she said, letting Gordon off the hook for now. "Well, I tried to. I don't think he fully understood."
"Then you know that you'll have to help him understand."
"I just… I needed some time to fully understand it myself, you know?"
Gordon's eyes flickered to the pile of clothes he'd left on her floor, so quickly she barely caught it. "Yeah, I know."
"I needed time to think without being near him. He was upset, I was upset and I didn't want to say anything that I would regret, I wouldn't have been able to focus on figuring things out if I was worrying about him. And that's exactly what I would have done if I'd stayed. I'd have been focused on him and on making him feel better and I'd have pushed aside my feelings to concentrate on him, they would have been stuffed down and ignored, just as they were with Nathaniel. I couldn't do that again, I refuse to go back to that. I needed time, I deserved time, dammit!"
She burst to her feet so suddenly that he actually jumped.
"John had weeks to get his head around this, he knew exactly what he was planning on doing, he knew what might happen, I didn't." She thumped her chest with her balled up fist for emphasis, making him wince.
"This is all fresh to me. I need to figure out how I'm feeling and how I'm going to deal with a future that that scumbag might be in. I need time to process and get used to the idea and fuck it, I will be selfish if I have to! Because I love your idiot brother and I'll be fucked if this will continue to cause us problems. Dealing with it when I've had time to process and calm down is better than not dealing with it at all. And I won't apologise for that!" Her eyes glittered angrily in the flickering light of the still streaming holoscreen, daring him to argue, daring him to disagree and tell her that she was wrong.
"I get that," he assured her, keeping his tone calm. "I understand that more than you know, just, don't leave him for too long, don't make him suffer longer than he has to."
"I would never do that! Do you think I don't know that he's probably worrying and stressing himself out more at this very moment? That he's blaming himself too much? I know he is, but I can't be strong for him if I'm not strong enough in myself."
Gordon nodded, knowing she was speaking the truth, knowing that she'd never play with his brother's emotions like that. "I know, but I just had to say it. He's my brother."
He didn't need to say any more than that, she understood him perfectly.
"Need a lift home tomorrow?"
"Yeah," Gordon pointed to the pizza box. "Wanna help me eat the rest of that and finish the movie?"
"Yeah."
-x-
Gordon's eyes kept straying from the screen as the movie played out, constantly drawn to the woman next to him.
He'd lost count of the amount of hours he'd spent on a couch with her like this, either alone or with company, but he'd never felt so distant or awkward around her before.
Selene was a simple girl in her own way, he'd always known where he stood with her, from the moment they had met. She was open and honest, always making her thoughts and feelings known, yet in this she was completely closed off to him.
She was obviously deep in thought, churning everything over in her head, trying to come to terms with what was essentially a crap situation that seemed to have no happy or obvious conclusion.
He understood her, better than she probably thought he did, because he too knew what it was like to compromise and to make an effort to fit in with other people's ideals. He was known as the Tracy that always picked the hard path.
He had chosen to ignore the call of university, to use his time in WASP as a springboard to his ultimate goal. His desires had been simple, to help people and to do good in the area that he had the most interest in. He'd explained all of that to his family, but he could tell that they hadn't really understood.
They valued knowledge above everything else and, while he had always gotten passable, verging into good grades at school, he had never enjoyed the stuffy confines of the classroom. Ordered learning, learning from text books rather than by doing had never come easily to him. He was much more of a visual learner, he needed to be out there, experiencing all that his chosen field had to offer.
WASP had given him that opportunity, to learn on the job, to get the degrees that he knew he would have struggled with if he had been in a traditional college environment. Much as he was loath to admit it, he had times of being easily distracted, of thinking too much about the present, of living in the here and now. He knew there had been a very real chance that he would have fallen heavily into the party scene, that his schoolwork would have suffered and he'd have barely scraped through. He knew his limits, he knew how his mind worked best and he had compensated for that, choosing a path that had the highest chance of success. It had been hard to convince his father but he had persevered and shown that the family's faith in him was well founded.
He'd fought his way through training, just as he had in his Olympic days, proving time and time again that being one of the youngest didn't make him weak and that being a Tracy didn't make him a privileged idiot.
He'd known that his academic achievements would have to speak for themselves and that the only way he would get the respect he deserved was by showing his full potential.
Over the years he'd become quite active in a number of marine life trusts, had attended lectures whenever he'd had the time and slowly built up his contacts, build up a relationship with university graduates that would be doing great things in a few years, offered funding for projects as long as he was able to be included in them and take an active part, he'd worked hard to get to the point where his opinions and his insight was regarded with respect rather than scorn. And he'd done it all in his unique, over enthusiastic, bubbly way. He'd wanted to enjoy whatever it was he did and so he'd acted exactly as he would with anyone else. If they didn't like him as himself they didn't deserve his time.
The conference he'd just attended had been all the things he hated about academic life. Droning lectures, boring participants who could talk of nothing but their chosen field, all striving to outdo each other in a 'my brain is bigger than your brain' competition, and stuffy investors that knew nothing about the research they were funding but insisted on being involved anyway.
He'd rocked up to the VIP area as he had every other time he'd taken time off to attend something like this, with his usual chaotic energy and a ready smile. And he'd been greeted by disdain.
Penelope had stepped in, introducing him in a pointed way that made them all uncomfortable, now aware that the loud laughing voice and obnoxious tie that featured majestically floating squids, belonged to none other than Gordon Tracy. They had scrambled of course, offering him refreshments and talking up his achievements as if he were royalty, but the damage had been done in his eyes.
Penelope had said that he needed to up his game, that people only respected those that commanded it by respecting themselves. You have to own it, she had said, act like you belong and act like you know exactly what you are doing. Gordon thought that was exactly what he had been doing, showing that he was confident enough in himself to not put in airs and graces, but it wasn't the first time it had happened.
Penelope had tried to help, she had gifted him with a number of new suits, all tailored to his measurements and designed, she said, by the up and coming Andre Verdain. They were smart, sophisticated, stylish to the extreme and would, she promised him, go a long way towards people taking him more seriously.
And he wanted to be taken seriously, he wanted people to respect him and his knowledge, so he had listened and he had dressed down and fitted in as best he could, but still he hadn't seemed good enough until they had found out who he was.
It was the same everywhere they went, being judged for not acting the same as they did, being seen as common for not having the breeding they had been lucky enough to get in the genetic lottery.
He'd seen that happen to Selene too, people judging her on her clothes, her loud voice and eccentric nature, treating her with barely disguised scorn until they knew who she was, then their attitudes had changed. If she got that from strangers, he could understand why Nathaniel had hurt her so much. Someone that professed to love her and care about her wellbeing had been able to take advantage of her so thoughtly.
He knew exactly how his brother had felt, because he was struggling the same way. He wanted to hunt down the man that had tried to dim the shining ball of love and happiness that was Selene and turn her into something she wasn't. He wanted to help wipe away the sadness that was hanging over her like a rain cloud, to promise her that nothing and no one would ever hurt her again. If he felt like that as her brother-in-law, John as her husband must be feeling so much worse.
Unable to help himself he reached out to her again, offering her another hug. The ache in his chest eased a little when she curled up against his side, her arm coming to rest across his stomach, her head on his shoulder.
He glanced again at the Verdain that had cost thousands of dollars, now laying abandoned and forgotten on the floor. Yes, he knew exactly what it was like to need space and the value of a chance to clear your head in a place where you could be free to be yourself.
-x-
Creeping out of the flat, not wanting to disturb the snoring Aquanaut that had taken up residence on her couch, Selene closed the door silently behind her and crossed the hall. Placing her thumb on the reader she waited for the beep before pushing open the roof door.
She climbed the stairs quickly and stepped out of the covered stairwell into the freezing cold, hauntingly quiet night. She pulled her shawl closer around her shoulders and took a moment to just be, to breathe deeply and let her heart fall into a calmer, more even pattern.
Leaning against the ornate railing she looked out over the rooftops that made up her little part of London. Camden had such a different feel to it than the center of the city itself. Here on the outskirts it was quieter, but then the fact that it was four in the morning probably helped. But even though it was so late, or early, depending on how you looked at it, there was still that buzz of energy, she could still tell that there were people around. She'd never felt alone in her city.
It was so different from the island, full of sights and sounds that she found she missed when she was away too long. The idea of living on a tropical island, especially one populated with handsome men, was some people's idea of heaven, and she loved it herself. But that didn't mean she didn't miss her city, her people and their little flat.
She paused then, realising just what she had thought, their flat, not hers, not anymore. She looked around the roof, cataloguing all the little ways in which John had imprinted himself on her garden, for the first time, taking in the changes that had occurred over the best part of three years that she hadn't stopped to think about fully.
He'd installed, with the help of Brains, a scaled down version of the same automatic plant nanny that they used on the island. Consisting of an intricate network of pipes and timers that she could never hope to understand, all linked to a water tank that collected rain water to ensure her plants were well tended while she was away for long periods.
The pipes ran around the perimeter of the rooftop, branching out to tuck under the edges of the special substance that Brains had coated the rooftop itself in. It was, like everything Brains invented, totally ingenious, able to soak up liquid and store it to leave the surface dry, but able to be flooded from underneath, allowing the water to be sucked up through the bottom of the pots, just as they had when they had sat in the large plant dishes she had used before. Twice a day, at dawn and dusk the timers activated, flooding the flooring with water, the pipes sucking it up and pumping it back out continuously for a solid hour. Once the pipes stopped pumping the water around in its cycle the floor would dry out, meaning the pots never got over watered. The timer was even equipped with a sensor, meaning that if it rained the timer would shut off, giving a full twenty four hours after the last registered rainfall before it started again.
He had negotiated the rooftop space into the contract when he had purchased the flat, meaning that they owned that too and it could never be used by anyone else.
She wandered the space now, letting her fingers trail through the leaves of fragrant herbs, her hands brushing against thin tree trunks and against soft petals. As she walked she breathed, allowing herself to calm, to ground, to simply be. Connecting to the earth in the way she always had while in the middle of such an urban area.
It was on this walk that she first spotted it. Inside a protective cover, keeping it safe from the winter temperatures, a pot had been left near to the hammock John had insisted they needed, the one they liked to lay in on clear nights, him mapping the heavens with his eyes while she mapped his face with hers. She loved the way that, no matter how many times he saw them, no matter the fact that he spent more than half his life living among them, his face still showed absolute wonder and pleasure that he got from simply gazing up at them.
She carefully opened the cover, just a little to stroke one silky soft petal with the tip of her finger. A light lavender colour, the roses were in full bloom, looking so beautiful even in the dark of the night, the roof only lit by the softly glowing solar lights that were scattered around.
A label flapped gently in the breeze let into the cover and she caught it, turning it over to see the name 'Blue Moon' and the information that told her the meaning of lavender roses: love at first sight and enchantment.
Tears gathered in her eyes as she looked again at the beautiful rose bush, knowing that John would have remembered how she had said she'd rather have a plant than a bunch of flowers. Witches liked live things, and she was no different, a plant showed your love for so much longer, well after a bunch of cut flowers would have wilted and died.
She carefully closed up the little zipper on the cover and moved on, sitting down in the center of her circle. John, without being told, had left it out of the roof renovation, preserving the pentacle she had painstakingly measured, marked and painted when she had taken on the roof as well as the flat.
It had been here, right in this spot that they had shared their first, real kiss. The night of their first date they had retired to her roof with take away food, having abandoned the movie that neither of them had actually had any interest in watching. It was here that he had opened up to her for the first time and given her a glimpse of the relaxed, confident man she would eventually marry.
The roof was only part of her proof that John was nothing like Nathaniel. Sitting out there, surrounded by the evidence of how much attention he paid to her, how much he did in fact anticipate her needs and take her feelings into consideration, was the moment that she realised that it didn't matter to her that he had fucked up.
It didn't matter that he hadn't understood how she would feel this time, because he'd gotten it pretty spot on for almost the entirety of their relationship. It didn't matter that he had made a decision for her without consulting her, he did it all the time when he was trying to help, because that's what her husband did. He helped people, he helped her, and she had never minded that he did.
He had misjudged, yes, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt that there hadn't been a single hint of malice in his actions. He hadn't done it to control her, he hadn't done it because he didn't think she was capable, he'd done it because he'd been utterly convinced that he was doing the right thing.
And that was the crux of the situation, right there. People made mistakes, they were only human. People would make errors in judgement, they would do things they thought were right, and yes, those things might not always turn out how they had hoped or expected, but that didn't make them bad or wrong. It was the thoughts behind the actions that truly mattered and the lessons you learn along the way.
The thing that was scaring her the most wasn't John or his actions, it was the consequences of them. But, now that she was calmer, now that the initial terror at the thought of facing Nathaniel again had faded, she knew that no matter what happened, she would be fine.
She wasn't alone now, she wasn't a scared young girl that had moved from her parents house into a controlling, abusive nightmare with no way out. She was older, wiser. She was a grown woman, married to an amazing man that she loved with all her heart. She was surrounded on all sides by a family that loved her, she was safe, she was protected and she was still herself.
She was as strong, capable and free as she had been before she had met John. He hadn't controlled her life, he'd enhanced it, he'd enriched it, just as she had his.
Whatever the future held, whatever transpired she knew with unwavering surety that they would handle it just as they did everything else. Together.
She pulled out her phone and tapped out a message.
Thank you for my beautiful rose, I love it and I love you. I'll be home tomorrow.
She had barely pressed send when an answer pinged back to her.
Don't wait for tomorrow, please.
The speed of his reply, coupled with his request was enough to make her pay attention. She wormed a hand down between her breasts and dug out her comm. One touch to the little quartz in the center and she was looking at the slowly revolving lights of EOS.
"Baby girl, please send the elevator down."
Moving quickly, knowing she only had around fifteen minutes, Selene quickly scribbled a note which she left on the coffee table in front of the sleeping Gordon along with her car keys. She grabbed a few things, including her bag, and was back on the roof just in time to see the little speck above her growing bigger and bigger.