John had managed to hold out for three hours, staying on the island because of a stupid, unfounded hope that she would come back, that she would realise before she had gone too far that she didn't want to walk away like this. That she would turn the car around and come straight back. But she didn't.

Scott had stayed with him for the first hour, flinging reassuringly positive words in his direction, promising that she'd be fine, she would calm down, that she just needed time to think things through.

"She's walked out on me hundreds of times when I've said or done something stupid," Scott tried. "She always calms down and forgives me."

"Not helpful," John growled. "You're her idiot brother-in-law and you piss her off almost daily, I don't."

"Not every day," Scott huffed, only to find that John had left the room already.

John had sat on their bed, locking himself away from Scott and the rest of the family, needing to be left alone. He'd sat and watched the little blinking light on his comm that was her car, watching it eat up the miles that would take her further and further away from him.

As the minutes ticked away, whatever hope he'd been holding onto had faded, leaving him with a hollow feeling in his chest the likes of which he'd never felt before. He could hear the others moving around in the house, getting on with their lives as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened while he felt like the ground had shifted under his feet, turning from solid to quick sand that was liable to swallow him whole if he stopped moving for even a second.

He needed to get away, to find something to occupy his time and keep his mind from replaying the last few hours over and over like an unwanted film clip. The last thing he wanted was to keep being reminded that he'd made a serious error in judgement, one so bad that his wife, the person he loved more than anything, had just walked away from him.

No, he corrected himself, taking a deep breath as he lay back in the seat of the space elevator. She hadn't left him, she had asked for some space, and he, out of everyone, should understand and respect that. The need for time alone, time to think away from a situation was invaluable. So why did he feel so bad?

She'd told him she wasn't mad at him, she'd told him that she understood and that she forgave him. She'd told him that she loved him. But she'd still turned away from him, she'd still avoided his touch and left. And that hurt more than he could put into words.

The elevator rose smoothly through the atmosphere as it always did, taking him away from earth and back to his beloved craft. But this time he felt no joy in it. It had never been hard for him to leave the island before, he had needed the time away, craved the peace and quiet, the alone time away from his noisy siblings. And, even after she had come into his life, he had never hated leaving, because he'd always known she would be right there waiting for him when he returned. She would dive into his arms, greeting him with enthusiastic kisses and more love and attention than he could wish for. Time apart had always been made all the sweeter by the reunion. But this time, knowing that she wasn't there and wouldn't be greeting him on his return, made it all the harder to leave, like he was giving in too easily.

He wanted to call her, to talk to her, but he resisted the urge, knowing that she had asked for time and he would give it to her, no matter how much he hated it. He knew she would respect his needs if he asked for space, so he would give her the same, it was his fault after all. If he had respected her boundaries at the start, none of it would have happened.

"How could I have been such an idiot?" he groaned out loud, burying his face in his hands as the elevator shuddered to a stop, sliding into its dock in Five.

"I do not believe you have the low intelligence level to be considered an idiot," the voice of EOS said, making him jump even after more than four years of sharing the station with her.

"I can assure you, intelligence has nothing to do with it when it comes to fucking up," he mumbled into his hands.

"I do not understand."

"No, you wouldn't," he sighed, trying to not let his impatience and aggravation show.

"Then please explain it to me."

"I don't think I can," he admitted, pushing the safety bars up and out of his way so he could leave his seat and get the hell out of the elevator before he gave in to the urge to send it back down again, this time over London.

"Oh," EOS paused, her lights flickering slowly for a second or two before they stopped, lighting up fully again. "Then I shall ask Selene, she often explains that which you cannot."

"No!" he snapped, surprising himself, as well as EOS, with the vehemence of the word. He cleared his throat, swallowing in a bid to calm his frustration and hopelessness at the situation before trying again. "You can't ask her, she's not available at the moment."

"I don't understand," EOS said again. "Selene is always happy to answer my question, she told me so. She said that it was always better that I ask a question in order to learn, than to find myself with more questions brought about by searching for an answer."

John pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the headache he felt brewing. He really didn't want to have to explain the situation to EOS, she was notoriously plain in her thinking. She saw everything in black and white, she rarely, if ever, understood the shades of grey that made up humans and their emotions. But he knew that if he didn't she would either give him no peace, or she would ask Selene anyway, and he didn't want that.

"That's true, she did say that," he reluctantly agreed, "but now isn't really the time to disturb her, she wants to be alone."

"Why? Is it something to do with you being an idiot?"

"Yes, something like that," he snorted, annoyed by the conversation he didn't want to be having.

"We are back to my original question," EOS pointed out as he strode through the gravity ring to enter the comms sphere. "I do not understand why you are an idiot and why I cannot call Selene."

He let the zero gravity lift him from his feet, feeling the familiar weightlessness surrounding his body on all sides but, unlike other times, it didn't come with the comforting relief he usually felt. Nothing felt right, nothing would help, although he knew he had to try.

"She's not very happy with me right now," he admitted, reaching out to pull up one screen after another, looking for something, anything to do that would keep his mind occupied and off the conversation. Why was there never a distress call when he needed one? He would give anything for a rescue to coordinate or something that needed his urgent attention.

"Because you're an idiot?"

"Yes!" Did she have to keep bringing that up? She was starting to give him a complex that he really didn't need at that moment in time.

"I find that hard to believe, it is a known fact that your IQ is superior to hers, she often complains that you're too smart for her."

John sighed, knowing that he would get no quiet for the foreseeable future until he took the time to answer her questions properly and explain the situation. He should have known that coming up to Five alone would ignite her curiosity, yet another error in judgment on his part. He was obviously on a roll, all he needed to do now was insult his Grandmother to complete the shit show.

"The problem was nothing to do with my IQ and everything to do with the fact that I made an error in judgement that upset her."

EOS thought for a moment, obviously trying to calculate just what he could have misjudged that involved Selene.

"The situation with Christopher Tyler?" she guessed.

"Yes."

"I fail to see the problem. You saw a potential threat and you did your best to eliminate it. I deleted the pictures that were taken before any were posted. Logically she should be happy."

"Humans are complicated, EOS, our emotions don't always work logically, neither do our brains. When we feel strongly about something or someone, logic is often the last thing we use."

"Like you feel strongly about Selene?"

John nodded, not trusting himself to say anything else.

"That's why you married her when logically that could cause more problems in the future than it would solve? When I asked you why you wished to be married you said it was because you loved her. And you've said before that people often do things they never would have considered before, because they are in love, like you agreeing to her keeping her six bank accounts. You said that love isn't always rational, sometimes you just have to do things because they need or want you to. If that is the case then I do believe that Selene was not being rational because she loves you."

"No, that's not what I me-" John paused, unable to think of an answer to that. Because, like it or not, EOS had managed to get to the heart of the situation without even trying. They had both acted the way they had, without a great deal of rational thought, because they loved each other.

For the first time he allowed himself to think past the fact that she had walked away, to actually recall what she had said.

"She said she wasn't angry at me," he said aloud, forgetting about EOS for the moment as he mentally replayed her words. Their meaning, and the emotions behind them, finally hitting home. He dropped his head into his hands, feeling like a complete idiot all over again. She had explained it to him, but he hadn't understood because he hadn't listened properly. It wasn't exactly what she had said he should have been paying attention to but the obvious thoughts and feelings behind them.

"She said that she was hurt, because we didn't consult with her. I didn't consult with her before we began tracking down Nathaniel," he continued, his brain racing to catch up. He knew her, he knew his wife, he knew how her mind worked and how sensitive she was. He'd known all of that before he'd been told anything about Nathaniel, and once he did know, everything about her had made so much more sense. Yet he had still forgotten all of it, all the pieces of her puzzle that had fitted together, because he had been too caught up with his need to protect her and others.

"Why would you need to consult with her?" EOS asked. "There was nothing that she could have done to help the search, she has no useful skills."

"That's not the point, EOS, she wanted to be consulted because it was related to her, it was her history and her story," he sighed deeply, seeing the situation as Selene would quite clearly now. "And she's right, I just didn't stop to think about it. I didn't want to hurt her by bringing the memories up again so soon after our wedding, but she's right, she wouldn't have done that to me. When we found out about Virgil and his shapeshifting she asked permission to look into our family history, she asked if she could make inquiries and she shared everything she gathered with me and sometimes Virgil if he asked. Her files are on the family cloud, anyone could have read them at any time if they had chosen to, she never tried to keep any of it a secret."

"I see, you think she wished to know because it involved her."

"Exactly that reason."

"Then why didn't we tell her?"

John swiped away two of his screens, unable to concentrate, feeling a little like he was being interrogated. "Because I made the decision not to, I took the choice away from her. I thought I knew what was good for her, what she needed. I didn't want her to be hurt any more than she had already. I was worried that it would bring up even more bad memories for her."

"I think I understand now," she said, her lights revolving slowly. "You made a decision based on what you thought was best. You knew that he might be dangerous and so you sought to protect others from suffering as Selene did. You chose not to tell her because you thought you were protecting her in the same way."

"Yes."

"But Selene wanted to be included as she included you, because it was her information."

"Yes."

"I understand that, but you did not tell me why she cannot be disturbed now. If you have told her your reasons then she will have understood your motivation and accepted the logic of it. She always listens, she always understands."

"I know," John groaned, beyond frustrated and feeling like he was the worst husband in the world at that moment. If EOS was capable of grasping the situation so easily, why hadn't he? He'd been with Selene a long time, they knew each other inside out and he was usually pretty good at knowing exactly what she needed or wanted from him. How had he miscalculated so badly?

He knew part of the reason was because he'd been so completely floored by her revelations about Nathaniel. Hearing her talking about him, talking about how his actions had affected her and still did. He'd been so conscious of it, especially after their accidental bonding, that he'd gone out of his way to make sure he was treating her like the treasure that she was.

He'd been so determined to protect her, to step in and keep all the nastiness of the world from their doorstep that he'd ended up doing the exact opposite. As he'd said to Scott, he was very aware that Selene had changed her life so much to fit in with his, to support him and his family, he hadn't wanted to put anything else on her.

"John, your suit's sensors are showing your heart rate has increased, your core temperature has risen a few degrees and I'm detecting muscle tension around your chest, neck and shoulders. Are you sickening, should I alert Virgil or Grandma Tracy?"

"No, I'm fine EOS, I'm just…" he paused, unsure of how to explain it. "It's a physical reaction to how I'm feeling, I can't control it."

"I see," her lights blinked on, then off again as her camera moved closer. "How are you feeling?"

John looked at her, debating how he should answer, but in the end he decided to be honest. She was trying hard to learn everything she could about humans and how they worked. She had been making an effort to ask more questions so she could better understand and respect the feelings of others. To shut her out now, when she was such a large part of both their lives, would be not just detrimental to her learning but unfair when she had done nothing wrong.

"I'm frustrated and annoyed at myself, because I should have realised how she would react to this, I should have thought it through and anticipated her needs as she does mine. She left the island because she was upset and asked for time to think."

"To think about what we did? I don't understand what there is to think about."

"I don't know, EOS, I don't know what she's thinking or what she wants to think about because she's not here with me! She's not talking to me, she walked away."

"Selene never walks aw-"

"Well, this time she did," he snapped. "She said she needed to think things through, she asked for time and I'm giving it to her, no matter how hard it is. I don't know what she's thinking, I don't know what conclusions she's coming to and I don't know how it will affect us. For once I don't know anything, and that is scaring me more than I can put into words!"

He ran his fingers through his hair, messing up the usually neat strands, making the front curl stick up at an angle. A quick glance at the screens gave him no distraction and he swiped the rest away, giving up all pretence of work. He needed to move, he needed to feel something solid under his feet.

It took him only a few well practiced moves to coast his way across the room to the exit. He grasped the sides of the hatch and propelled himself through, turning in mid air so that his feet met the floor of the gravity ring rather than his face. Once he touched down he immediately began to walk, EOS following behind him, gliding along on her camera rails. Without knowing why but feeling the need to speak aloud in an effort to put some kind of order to his thoughts he continued his explanation, knowing she was listening.

"I'm angry at myself because I'm the reason she's feeling this way, I'm frustrated because it shouldn't have happened and I feel guilty that it did, because I know it's my fault. I'm worried and anxious because I don't know what she is thinking or how she is feeling. I want to be there with her, because I want to talk things out, to explain and apologise some more, but I have to respect her needs because I didn't the first time."

EOS made a little noise that she had adopted recently, obviously copied from Selene, a cross between an I'm listening hum and a sympathetic sigh. The sound of it tugged at his heart, making his chest ache all the more. He just missed her so much, it wasn't the physical distance, they were used to being apart for nights, days, sometimes even a week at a time, but the emotional distance was something he couldn't stand.

He was used to being able to tap out a quick text and know that she would answer him, she would be there, with a cute hello, a silly selfie or a miniature rant about something that had pissed her off that day. Now that he knew he couldn't do that he realised just how much he'd come to rely on the security of it. Knowing that he could reach out any time and have someone there that loved him unconditionally and understood him so well had gotten him through numerous difficult rescues. Being denied that comfort now was hard to deal with.

"What if I've done permanent damage to our relationship by keeping this from her? She's only ever been honest with me, even after everything she's been through. I might not have outright lied but I deliberately kept this from her."

He'd never been good at relationships, his history could be described as chequered at best and down right rubbish at worst. He'd never connected with anyone the way he had with Selene, there had been no stress with her, no doubts, not from the moment she had admitted that she loved him. He'd known she was being truthful, he'd seen it in her eyes, in the way she kissed him, in her actions. She cared, she loved him and she was ever patient in guiding him with a gentle acceptance of everything he was. That had been all he'd needed, knowledge that he could rely on, that he could understand. And he'd never questioned or doubted it for a second.

They had fallen into a comfortable partnership almost immediately. Every relationship he'd been in before had seemed like such hard work. He'd been on edge, aware of every way in which he could mess up or had messed up before, constantly worrying that his partner would find him lacking as they so often had.

With Selene he'd had none of that. It had felt effortless on both their parts, possessing an almost instinctual sense of the other's moods and needs without needing to ask or be told. With her it had been easy, natural, like he'd known her all his life, like she'd always been there, but still with so much left to discover, so many little things that surprised and delighted him the more time he spent with her.

He'd found himself relaxing more in general, trying things he never would have before, becoming more approachable and sociable, purely because he knew she would be there with him. People had always thought of him as uptight, rigid and set in his ways, but with her he had learnt to roll with the strangeness she inevitably brought into his life and to actually enjoy it. For her he had endless patience, accepting everything she said or did with a calmness he never would have a few years before. She had brought out a different side of him in the very best of ways.

But, since hearing about Nathaniel, he'd felt himself slipping back into his old worries. Was he treating her right? Was he hurting her without knowing it? Was he capable of giving her everything she needed? He knew in his heart that he was, he knew she was just as relaxed and comfortable with him as she had always been, an open book of which he had memorised every page. Or so he had thought.

In his desperation to do the right thing he had started over thinking, overcompensating, trying too hard and forgetting the fundamentals of what made them so special, the fact that they talked about everything. He knew why she was hurt, because he had shut her out without even meaning to in something that was already so hard for her.

"What if she never forgives me?" he whispered more to himself than EOS, who was wisely keeping quiet, her camera retreating back along its runners, giving him space.

The ache in his chest was getting worse, feeling like a hollow emptiness that he hadn't felt in years. Stopping dead he allowed his body to sink to the floor, his back resting against the cool glass of the gravity ring. He glanced down between his spread legs, watching the earth below as he so often did, but found no comfort in it now.

He tried to take a deep breath but it caught in his throat and he only managed to suck in a little air. He tried again but failed, feeling his lungs constricting as if a band was tightening around his ribs.

He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead, prickling along his spine, his body shuddering with the chill that infused it. He lifted a hand to wipe it away and was surprised to see the way it was shaking.

"She said she still loved me," he reminded himself, "she wouldn't leave me. She just needs some time. She'll be back soon."

His stomach rolled and he swallowed in an attempt to calm the nausea rising up to burn his throat.

"She'll be back soon," he repeated, trying to focus, trying to stay calm. It had been a long time since he'd last experienced anything like this, so long that he had almost forgotten what it felt like.

His vision blurred and he closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness swept over him.

"John?" EOS's voice sounded distant, abstract, as if it wasn't quite real, drowned out by a pounding in his ears that was growing louder by the second.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and lowered his head, trying to combat the feelings that were overwhelming him both physically and mentally.

"John?"

He continued to ignore her, focusing instead on the long forgotten mantra that came instantly to mind like the lyrics of a familiar song.

"I'm safe, I'm whole, I'll be alright. I'm safe, I'm whole, I'll be alright."

He stretched out a hand to touch the smooth glass beneath him, feeling cool even through the material of his gloves. Solid, this was solid, he knew where he was. He was in his station, he was in his home, his safe space.

He forced himself to breathe, to notice the faintly clinical smell that the air always held. The recycled oxygen pumped out of the filters always carried a distinct smell that was as familiar and comforting as the salty tang of the island.

He listened carefully, trying to block out the sound of his own heart thumping in his chest as it frantically pumped blood around his system. Instead he focused on the familiar, the sounds of his station that made up the background symphony he had spent so long listening to. The soft whooshing of the gravity ring as it slowly spun, the whirl of a processor deep in the wall, the low hiss of the air system pumping out fresh oxygen, the low drone of a fan that circulated that air and sucked in the carbon dioxide he expelled with every shaking breath.

He opened his eyes, cataloguing all he could see. The familiar stars all around him, seen through the toughened glass of the gravity ring, the coloured lines that decorated the floor on which he sat, the softly blinking lights of his monitors, the buttons on the panels on the walls, the solid metal work that made up the bulk of his station.

He tried to breathe again and found it a little easier. Good, that was good. He tried to clear his mind, needing to focus on good things, on the positive things in his life, the things he had to live for.

"My family," he whispered, starting at the same point he always did.

"Selene," he stumbled for a second as a fresh wave of anxiety threatened to overwhelm him. Did he really still have her? His heart, which had begun to slow, kicked up a notch, thumping hard in his chest.

He almost jumped out of his skin when something vibrated in his suit pocket, followed by a familiar chime that was apparently the sound of a wiggling nose from a very old show called Bewitched that Gordon had programmed in. He fumbled for it, yanking it out and tapping in the keycode.

The new message symbol flashed on the screen along with her name. He closed his eyes for a second, almost afraid to look.

"You're a Tracy," he told himself firmly, stabbing the screen before he could talk himself out of it.

He read her words quickly, relief slamming into him hard and fast. She still loved him, she'd be home tomorrow. He glanced at the clocks on the phone, set both to island time and London time. Too long, far too long.

He wasn't too proud to admit that knew he wouldn't be able to wait, he needed her, and he needed her now. He needed to hold her in his arms and give her all the apologies and assurances she deserved.

He tapped out a message as quickly as he could, trying to keep it brief and to the point. His head thumped back against the wall as he willed himself to stay calm.

"She won't ignore me, she won't refuse," he promised himself.

A mechanical whirling above his head made him turn, seeing EOS's unit sliding closer, her lights blinking green, a sure sign she was communicating with someone although he couldn't hear it.

He felt a shudder as the craft's RCS jets roared into life, propelling the station out of its geostationary orbit as it began its journey around the earth, its new destination a familiar, pre-programmed one.

He huffed out a relieved breath. That meant she was coming. Now he just had to figure out exactly what he was going to say to her.

He tried to stand up, not wanting her to see him as he was, not wanting her to think him as weak and pathetic as he already did. His limbs still trembled, lacking the strength they needed to hold him up.

He felt hot now, hotter than he should, now familiar pin pricks of sensation flowing through him. He tried to stop it, he tried to halt it before it gathered speed, sapping him of even more energy but it was out of his control. His mind, usually so focused and clear, was betraying him, taking the decision out of his hands. His body, having just gone through something akin to an emotional marathon, had taken over, determined to protect him at all costs.

He felt his suit growing looser, his form shrinking in on itself as the ground rushed up to meet him.