I can't find him.
Where is he! He's… he's not under the bed, he's not in the closet (he's afraid of the dark like me anyway, why would he be hiding in the closet?), he's not in the bathroom, he's not under the coffee table, he's not in the kitchen, he's not – where is he!
Kumagoro's my best friend. I'm not allowed to lose him! I'd hurt Tohma's feelings so bad. Kumagoro? Kumagoro, where are you? Please come out. I don't want to play hide and seek right now, and I know it's not your favourite game either.
… I can't find him. I'm going to cry. I can feel it inside. … No! I'm not going to cry! I'm going to keep looking, because Kumagoro always tells me not to cry unless I'm really badly hurt. And I'm not hurt right now, I'm just scared. I don't remember if I'm supposed to cry when I'm scared or not. I want to. I'm sniffling.
… Let's go make the bed, Ryuichi. Your covers are all twisted and in a mess from when you woke up. Yes, okay, we can do that. I don't mind making my bed. I like being able to flop into it at the end of the day and roll-twist all the covers around me like a cocoon. Then the next morning I can wake up shiny-pretty and get myself out like a butterfly. Sometimes I fall on the floor instead, but that's okay because then I just have to get all the sheets off me and I can rise up from the ground, and I pretend I can fly away because I don't really have wings but it'd be fun if I did.
Oh look look, here he is! Kumagoro, silly, you were hiding in the covers. You should have come out when I was calling for you. You look like you need a hug, so here's a great big one from me! Don't scare me like that again, okay? I don't think it's funny.
People think it's weird that Kumagoro's my best friend. But it makes sense to me. Tohma knows too, I think, and K-san. Tohma probably told Noriko-chan. I don't really care if no one else understands, either, because Kumagoro's my best friend and that's that.
-----
"Do you like K-san, Ryuichi-san?" Tohma asks me carefully, with his fingers laced together and his chin sitting on top of them. He's looking at me like he can see right through to the wall behind me. I wonder what my insides look like to Tohma. I'm tempted to ask, but Tohma likes it better when I answer his questions before asking my own. Besides, I do like K-san!
"He's lots of fun, Tohma! He talks kind of funny, though. He's been trying to teach me some English, but the words are really hard to say." I pause, trying to remember the last one K-san taught me, but I can't. Uh oh. "I can't remember either. Tohma, what does my inside look like?" That was okay, right? I answered him first, after all.
Tohma laughs. His laughing is bright like a glass filled with champagne, I think, because I don't drink champagne and I have seen it before and that's what Tohma's laughing makes me think of right now. I'd tell him that, only he's about to answer me. "English takes a very long time to learn, Ryuichi-san. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it eventually." Oh, well that's good! I really want to be able to speak English, because it's fun to learn even though it's hard. "And your inside is very pretty. It's colourful, just like you."
Tohma really can see my inside! Wow! "Really Tohma?" I'm so excited, I'm bouncing in my seat. "Is it all my favourite colours?" Tohma knows I like rainbows best, so I hope he can see well enough to figure out if it's colourful like that or not.
He's smiling. I like it when Tohma smiles. "Of course, Ryuichi-san. Every single one."
Wow. That's a lot of colours Tohma can see inside me. I wonder how they all fit. I'm not a very big person, really. Oh. But I have a question now. "What colour is K-san?"
Tohma's smiling again. "You should ask him that yourself. I'm not sure he'd take kindly to my telling you that."
"So it's a secret Tohma?" I'm still very excited. I like secrets! I'm really good at keeping them too, only sometimes I forget because there's no one to remind me that it's a secret and I can't tell anyone. I just want to tell one person. Is that so bad? I don't think it is. Just one other small person, kind of like me. Smaller even, if it's still not allowed. I get in trouble sometimes, because it's against the rules to tell secrets.
He's not smiling so much anymore. "Yes, Ryuichi-san. A secret." Like we are, Tohma?
---
I'm asleep right now. Or at least, I think I'm asleep. I'm very warm and comfortable and safe-feeling. I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not, but there are soft-pretty lights all around and they're big and sort of fluffy only not because they're lights. They're moving around in slow circles, bumping into one another and merging a little for a second before they float off the other way. I don't think I understand this dream. Usually, they tell you something or send some kind of message, but this doesn't make sense.
Oh wait. The colours are all mixing-spinning. They're going white – did you know that when all colours mix together they're white? Like stars. It's kind of amazing; I used to think they all made an ugly messy black colour, but Tohma told me no. He said all the colours together make the prettiest thing of all (Tohma has funny taste), white, and that white was prettiest because it made stars and shiny things and it was the most honest colour of them all. Tohma doesn't make sense sometimes, but that's okay.
If my inside is all the colours, does that mean I'm star-shiny-white? Will I burn out someday?
… Everything around is dark. Black-swimming-swallow-me dark. The white is fading slowly away because the black dark is gobbling it up. That's… I'm scared. I think I'm shaking. I think I'm screaming.
"Ryuichi! Ryuichi, wake up."
That's… Tohma's voice. And Tohma's arms around my shoulders, chasing away the dark. I wonder what colour Tohma is. He isn't white, he can't be because that's what I would be and Tohma's not like me, but what else chases away the angry dark? If it swallows up the white, I don't know, it doesn't make sense… "Calm down, Ryuichi. It's okay. I'm here for you."
Tohma started sleeping with me a few months ago, because I was having bad bad nightmares. I have them less when he's here, but if he goes away I can't sleep at all. The dreams are always different – they usually take something nice from the day and make it mean. I don't like them at all. I have to cling to Tohma and listen to him before I can fall back asleep. He's really calm about this. He's a like a rock in the middle of the sea – he's something I can hold onto tight and not have to worry because he won't drift away. Tohma will hold me forever if he has to.
"Stop shaking. It was just a dream. It isn't real. There's nothing to worry about Ryuichi, honest. I'll keep you safe." Tohma's honest and very, very kind. I don't know if he's ever had really bad dreams (the kind that make you cry and scream and feel like your stomach has been pulled out), but if he hasn't he relates really well. I love Tohma.
I think I can talk now. I feel a bit better. "You'll always be here, right Tohma?" He can't go away, he knows he can't. I can't sleep without him here.
He takes a minute to answer. "For as long as I can, Ryuichi. I'll do my best."
I think if I wasn't falling asleep, I'd be more worried.
---
"This is Kumagoro, Ryuichi-san." He's offering me a little pink bunny with floppy ears. It's cute! I take it from him, hugging it. It's squishy-soft, and its fur is so nice. Just the right length – not too long to get tangled up in anything or for gum to get stuck in it, but not so short that it doesn't rub warm against my skin. I'm a little bit confused though, because Tohma doesn't just give gifts because he can.
Tohma's already named it? Tohma's silly, then. I have to point this out. "But he's a bunny, Tohma."
Tohma pauses, and he looks very sad. "Remember your colours on the inside, Ryuichi?"
He's not using honorifics. That's like when. At night. I… I'm a little bit more scared now. But I remember that – it's only from yesterday. "Yes."
"He's just a little bunny on the outside, but on the inside he's a great big bear. He's brave and he'll… keep you safe." What does he mean? What's going on? Tohma, tell me! "You can hug him and pretend you're hugging me if you need to."
I think I'm shaking-scared. "You're not going away, are you Tohma?" I might be trembling. I'm not sure.
"No, Ryuichi, I'm staying here." Tohma's not allowed to sound that sad. I don't understand! This isn't fair, what's going on?
"Then why do I need to pretend that Kumagoro is you?" The name slips out because it feels natural.
Tohma takes a deep breath. "Because you're going to America, Ryuichi."
I… what? Where? I don't want to! I want to stay here, with Tohma and Japan and –! What about Nittle Grasper? What about Noriko-chan? What about… what about everything? I can't even talk, I'm so confused, it hurts and it doesn't make sense, why Tohma, why, why are you making me?
He must know I'm panicking. He's Tohma. That's the sort of thing Tohma knows. He's talking softly now, quiet things I can't hear and that don't make sense – then he says a bit louder, "I'll miss you, Ryuichi."
I feel tears. Tohma's making me cry! But I can't ask questions right now because I have to answer Tohma first. He doesn't like it if I don't answer him first. "I'm going to miss you too, Tohma."
"I know you will, Ryuichi-san. But you have to go. K-san will go with you, and I'll be here when you get back." He's holding me close in a hug now. I love Tohma. Love love love love love. I wish I didn't have to leave like he says I do. But I'll do what Tohma says, because I really don't want to make him angry – I don't like it when Tohma's angry. It won't be forever. Kumagoro can come with me. And if I can pretend he's Tohma, then he's my best friend. Right Kumagoro? You'll keep me safe like Tohma always does.
Tohma's hugging me tight enough to choke me and I don't want to let go, and I think Tohma's crying but I'm not sure and I won't ask. I'll ask him a question though, just one. Maybe two? Two should be okay. "Tohma, you promise you'll be here? And… what colour are you? You chased away the black and said that I was everything, so what are you?"
He's still holding me, and I think he might be shaking a little, but he can't be, because Tohma doesn't do that. Tohma's stable-solid-safe. Tohma crying is already scary enough (I think he's trying not to, but he can't help it; it's quiet crying, anyway). He's sounding so sad, but I think he must be smiling too. I know I make him smile. "I don't have a colour, Ryuichi-san. You're my colour. And I promise."