"What? Why can't he turn back?" Selene scowled, looking first at the cat, then to the security camera that made up the AI's form while on Five, then back to her husband. "Did something happen?"
This time the meow John let out was one of warning. Selene ignored it.
"EOS?" it was the same tone John used when he was trying to get her to admit to whatever it was she had done that she probably shouldn't have.
EOS's lights flickered once, but she kept quiet, refusing to answer.
"EOS, he's my husband, if something happened I need to know so I can figure out how to help him. We don't keep things from each other…"she paused, knowing that wasn't strictly true, since they were in their current situation due to that very thing.
"We shouldn't keep things from each other," she corrected. "If something is important then we need to know, we need to talk things out and help each other. Keeping secrets, no matter how well intentioned, can only lead to more problems. So please, tell me what happened."
The camera moved to focus on the cat on her chest, which was now stubbornly looking out of the far side of the gravity ring, refusing to look at either of them.
"John arrived very distressed…" EOS started.
John wanted to run, he wanted to hide. He didn't want Selene to know just how much her absence had affected him. He'd managed to keep his panic attacks at bay for so long that he'd barely registered what was happening until he was in the middle of it.
He hated them, he hated anything that took away his control, anything that impaired his ability to think logically and took away his right to choose. And that was part of the problem now, everything he hated about his panic attacks was exactly what he had done to Selene. He knew it, and he hated the fact that he hadn't even stopped to consider if she would want his help or not. He was so used to doing things for others and making decisions based on what he thought they needed that he had acted without thinking.
He knew that if she found out the true extent of how her walking away had affected him she would feel just as guilty as he did, and he didn't want that. He was the one that had fucked up and she had reacted in the way she felt was best for her. He couldn't deny that it had hurt but he would respect her choice to do it. He knew now that she hadn't made the decision to punish him, she hadn't done it because she didn't care, she had done it because that was what she had needed to do for herself.
He knew all about that, he was the one that had cut himself off from his family time and time again when things had gotten too much, when he had needed breathing space, and they had accepted it without question. They knew that he loved them, they had never questioned his devotion to them or his dedication to International Rescue, they had just accepted that he was doing what was best for him, what would help him cope. Even if it was hard for them.
"Distressed? John," Selene sat up and picked him up, shifting his body around so he was facing her, "baby, you need to snap out of this and turn back, right now. EOS, tell me what happened, tell me everything."
"His pulse was racing, his body temperature dropped causing full body trembling, his breathing grew laboured and he had trouble focusing," EOS reeled off like she was a doctor shouting out details to a nearby nurse.
"Seriously? Why didn't one of you call me?"
"John said you were not to be disturbed, that you wished to be alone to think and that you were not happy with our investigations."
John squirmed, trying to get away as EOS proceeded to snitch on him in the worst way possible. He didn't want to see the look on his wife's face at that moment.
"That doesn't matter," Selene argued. "I don't care how pissed off I am or what has happened, if something is wrong you call me."
"My primary function is as John's assistant," EOS started, "I follow his commands. He told me not to call you."
"No," Selene snapped, her eyes blazing with anger. "You do not shut me out, ever! If anything happens to any of the family and I'm not there, you fucking call me! But especially if anything happens to my damned husband! I don't care what's happened, I don't care if I said to never talk to me again, I'm lying, I'm being dramatic, you will damn well call me!"
EOS stayed quiet.
"No, in this you will listen to me. We are married, we share everything, you agreed that until such time as we divorce you consider yourself as both our property, jointly owned. Now I am ordering you to do as you're told, young lady. You will call me. You will never allow this idiot to stop you from calling me if it's something this important. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Selene," EOS finally agreed, knowing it was fruitless and probably incredibly stupid to argue with her while she was in that mood.
"Good."
Selene turned back to her cat husband that was the current cause of all her problems.
"John?" she said softly. "Baby, look at me."
Her voice was gentle, softer than he had expected or probably deserved. It called to him and he was powerless to resist, lifting his head to look at her.
"I'm in love with an idiot," she sighed, laying back down and settling him on her chest. "I really am. I'm not mad at you, I'm not even that upset anymore. Frustrated, yes, a bit put out, yes, scared as fuck, of course, but I don't hate you in any way, shape or form."
His eyes closed briefly, acknowledging her words.
"It wasn't us I needed to think about, you get that, right? I will never doubt us, I will never question our relationship, ever. I will never doubt you. I know you would never be like him. I know that you would never keep something from me or make a decision without consulting me as a way of controlling me."
She dropped her hand back on him, going back to the soft stroking he so enjoyed.
"I'm just very sensitive with anything that involves him. I know you didn't want to make a decision for me, Scott said that earlier. I just… I wanted you to talk to me about things like this, things that will affect me, especially if it's something to do with my past. I would have understood why you felt you needed to do what you did, I do understand. I would just have preferred to be a part of it rather than have it kept from me and sprung on me in such a way."
John nuzzled his head against her hand, finally starting to relax, his purr growing louder.
"I don't do well with being a mushroom," she continued. He lifted his head questioningly, knowing she hated mushrooms of any kind.
"A mushroom, kept in the dark and fed on bullshit," she answered, ignoring the choked hack that came from him. "That's what he did, decided what I did and didn't need to know. And I don't like that. I just needed time to adjust my thinking, to figure out how I was going to mentally and emotionally deal with the aftermath of this. I knew it was something that might happen eventually, but I was hoping it wouldn't. I just needed time to adjust my thoughts of the future, not in regards to us, just him."
He bobbed his head, understanding that.
"I know, I've always known, that you would only have the best of intentions in anything you did. You would be doing it for me because you love me, you'd be doing what you thought was best as a way of protecting and helping me. But you know me, I don't take orders, I consider suggestions, Nathaniel made me that way. All I'm asking, in the future, is that you give me a heads up. Just tell me what you're thinking and what you're planning on doing, so I can either help or keep out of your way and let you get on with it. If it's something that might affect me I have a right to know, just as you would if it was the other way around."
John nibbled lightly on the tip of her finger where it was tickling his chin, making her smile.
"I needed to be selfish, I needed to have time to think without worrying about you. I know that sounds bad, but it's the only way I can describe it. I love you, I will always love you, but I needed to deal with the negative shit in my head before it caused any more problems."
He could understand that, he'd done the same before, worried that his own negative thoughts would spill out into their life if he didn't make time to think things through and put them into some kind of context and order. Once again he was surprised at how similar they sometimes were, how they dealt with things the exact same way even though they were two vastly different people. It was something he'd have to make a special effort to remember.
"I needed time to calm down, to let go of my panic in a place where I felt safe. I walked into the flat, our flat-" she paused and snorted out a laugh. He looked at her questioningly. "Gordon was there."
John really missed his eyebrows, because he knew that if he had them they would have disappeared into his hairline at that.
"He was camped out on our couch, in his boxers, eating pizza from that crappy place down the road, the one that always has the soggy crust you hate. Oh, and we drank your beers, sorry about that, but he started it, I just helped him finish them. It was his payment for listening to me and giving me a little kick up the arse that I badly needed."
John stretched out fully, huffing out a breath as he felt his tight muscles unknotting. This was safe territory, the heavy, emotional conversation seemed to be over. This was good, he knew now what she was thinking, he knew how she was feeling, he could relax.
"I went up to the roof after he fell asleep, I needed to ground myself and I realised something."
John opened one eye again to look at her.
"I realised that nothing mattered, not Nathaniel, not the shit that might come after, not in the grand scheme of things anyway. I was reacting as if I were still alone, as if this was just my battle to fight, but it's not. I'm not alone anymore and I know that I have you, I have all of you, right there beside me. You have my back and I know that no matter what happens I won't be facing it alone. So, I guess what I'm saying is let him come, I fully invite him to bring it on. Because we're stronger together than apart and that means we're far too strong for him."
John donked his head against her chin to get her attention, lifting his nose to hers. She placed a gentle kiss there, the best they could manage at the moment.
"Do you want to try to change back?" she asked softly. He thought about it for a second then nodded.
Selene hugged him tighter, racking her brain, trying to figure out a way that she could help him. She hadn't been there for his first shift back, something she still felt incredibly guilty about, but every shift after that had been a piece of cake for him, as easy and natural as breathing. If he was stuck this time it was her place to help him, to support him through it any way she could.
Something had to be blocking him, something that he couldn't control and she had a good idea what it might be. No matter how much she talked, no matter how much she explained, the pain of her walking away from him would still be weighing heavily on him. Her husband was far more sensitive than he'd want you to believe, he might be secure in their relationship on good days, but this was the first time that he would have felt truly out of his depth and like he had something to worry about.
If it was anything like how he had been at the start of their relationship she probably wouldn't be that wrong in guessing that he had been feeling scared, nervous, unsure of himself, blaming himself and riddled with anxiety. She remembered how, on their first date, he had been too nervous to even hold her hand, too scared to react when she had kissed him, so unsure of himself and her feelings. Now he should know exactly how she felt about him, but she knew, probably better than anyone, that old wounds cut deep and even after it healed, the scars remained. She knew he'd had a few unpleasant experiences himself at the hands of previous partners, not to the extent she had, but enough to make him drop back into his old, familiar comfort zone of withdrawing and hiding away if things got too much for him. And it appeared that that was exactly what had happened.
From what EOS had described it appeared that he had suffered some kind of panic attack, a physical reaction to the mental stress and strain he had been under. They knew from Virgil that a negative reaction in his body, anything the shifter genes deemed to be a threat, could trigger the change whether he wanted it or not. Could it be that John hadn't even decided to change in the first place?
"Baby," she murmured, "did you do this on purpose? Was this a voluntary change?"
He shook his head, confirming her suspicions.
"Got it, alright, we can fix this, don't you worry," she promised him. "We'll work through this together, I'm not leaving you, I promise you. I'm here, I'm staying right here with you."
She settled him more comfortably on her chest, lying flat out on the floor. "Listen to me, OK ? Don't focus on anything else, just my voice. Don't worry about the rest of the world, it doesn't matter, all that matters is us and the fact that I want my husband back."
She lifted her hand to begin petting him, long strokes that went from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. She could feel the anxiety, the worry, that still rode him and forced herself to relax for him, channeling as much calming, healing energy into her hands as she could, acting as a conduit, completing the circuit, offering up her own energy for him much as she had done for Virgil that first time.
A panic attack could sap anyone of their energy, leaving them wrung out, shaking and on the verge of exhaustion. It was an incredibly stressful thing to endure, your body fighting against itself and your mind instead of working in harmony. Shifting in itself required a huge amount of energy, it was entirely possible that he simply didn't have enough of his own left in reserve. She knew that trying to feed him would do little good, he wasn't an animal no matter how much he looked like one, he had a human mind in a smaller, furry body and trying to eat in a form that was not his own would put even more pressure and stress on him. No, she had to help in other ways and if that meant giving him whatever energy she had, she'd do it.
She released her energy slowly, allowing it to sink gently into his body with each stroke of her hand, they weren't on a time limit, she wasn't prepared to rush him. He needed to feel relaxed, not stressed because he felt stuck in a body that was still quite alien to him.
"I want to feel your arms around me," she continued, whispering softly to him, private words just for him. "Focus for me, baby, picture your body as I see it. Focus on me, focus on being back as yourself."
He tried, he really did. He could feel the energy she was offering him and relaxed as much as he could, allowing her power to mix with the barely there ember that smouldered in his solar plexus where his own powers resided. With each caress of her hand he felt that ember grow, felt the beginning stirrings of the change. He could do this, he could focus.
He closed his eyes, trying to focus on the feel of her fingers sifting through his fur just as they had moved through his hair a million times. He pictured the way his body felt, stretched out on one of the couches on the island, his head on her lap, simply enjoying the closeness and quiet peace that came from being with her,
"I want to hear your voice," whispered, nuzzling his ear with the tip of her nose. "I want to talk to you properly. I want to hold your hand, stroke your fingers, kiss your neck. Focus, baby, focus on all that."
The more he relaxed the more he could feel his energy core building, feeling it bubbling away like a boiling pot. The familiar tingling of the charge began to tickle across his skin, taking with it the last of his anxiety. He could do this, he wasn't stuck, he just had to focus and that was something he excelled at.
"I want to kiss you, I want to look into your eyes and see your face. I want to hold you close," Selene told him softly. "I want you, come back to me."
He opened his eyes so he could look at her. He watched her face, watched the peaceful way she lay still, her eyes now closed as she channeled her own energy, her breathing even and calm, her hand slowing its stroking, moving up to his head to fondle his ears just the way he liked it.
He canted his head closer, leaning fully into her caress, his purring growing deeper as his own breathing slowed to match hers. This was familiar and comfortable, reminding him of how it felt to lie beside her in bed, sleepy and content.
He wanted that again, he could practically feel the way her body fitted so perfectly against his. He wanted to wrap his arms around her, to pull her in as close as possible. He pictured his body as he always did, mentally cataloging everything from his feet up to his head, each part in order, focusing hard, keeping the picture clear in his mind.
He tucked his head into the crook of her neck, feeling her hair tickling his nose, her scent infusing his senses. She was home to him, she always would be. He trusted her, he knew she loved him. He could relax. She wasn't going anywhere.
That thought broke through the last of his mental barrier, the change flowing over his body like water.
He felt his muscles spasm as his bones elongated, limbs stretching to form his human body. The tingling became pinpricks of sensation as his fur retracted leaving smooth skin behind. He felt his nose and mouth flatten from a muzzle back into a human face.
He took a deep breath, his now human lungs expanding fully for the first time in hours. He was tired, exhausted to the bone, but when he flexed his toes they responded, when he stretched out an arm she was right there to catch his hand, fingers entwining with his.
He moved as if in a dream, lips seeking out hers in a desperate kiss, needing that connection, that proof that he was back.
Her free arm wrapped around him, her legs shifting to provide a cradle for his hips, his body flat out on top of hers. He felt her fingers skim the length of his spine and shivered at the sensation.
He kissed her like he could breathe her in, like a dying man would down a bottle of water in the desert. She returned his kiss with every bit of love and enthusiasm as she always did, no hint of hesitation, no holding back.
He broke their kiss when the need to breathe became too much to ignore. He lent his forehead against hers, nose to nose, eyes closed as he shook off the last remaining pulses of his shifter energy, feeling the power return to its slumbering spot deep inside him.
"Hi, gorgeous man," she whispered and he opened his eyes, finding her staring up at him.
"Hi," he croaked, suddenly feeling incredibly embarrassed. One, because he was facing her for the first time after she had walked away due to his actions, two, because he had gotten stuck in cat form after freaking out, and three, he was now spread out naked on top of her which was leaving him feeling rather vulnerable.
"I'm so sorry," he rushed on, needing to tell her, needing to apologise. "I never meant for any of this to happen, if I could take it back I would."
"I know," she soothed, tugging a blanket over him as best she could when she felt he was shivering. "I know, don't worry about it now. I know why you did it, you know why I reacted the way I did, I understand and I don't blame you."
"But I-"
"No buts," she insisted. "We both acted in ways we felt were right, it's done, it's over. Just, let's promise that we won't let this happen again."
"Never," he promised. "I promise that I'll keep you and your needs separate from my work brain, I won't try to shield you from things, you're right, you're strong enough to deal with anything, we just need to do it together. I'm sorry I forgot that for a little while."
"I can't really blame you, you had me blubbing all over you on our wedding day because of him, I can understand why you thought it would be better for me not to have to deal with more of it. I knew that at the time, I was just angry. Not at you," she rushed to add, "well, maybe a tiny bit, but more the situation because he could still make me feel like shit even when he wasn't around."
"I know, and I'm sorry," he repeated. "You've proven time and time again just how much you can handle, especially when it comes to my family and the disasters we tend to be involved in, I should have given you the chance to make up your own mind. I just wanted to protect you."
"I know," she assured him. "So, let's just draw a line under it and move on, yeah? We don't need to keep going over it."
She was giving him an out, showing him that she didn't hold any of it against him, how could she be so sweet and forgiving after everything?
"Really?" he had to ask, just to make sure.
"Really," she whispered, lifting her head to kiss him again. "All that matters is that I love you."
"I love you too."
-x-
"And that's about it," Scott finished, settling back against the couch he was sharing with Alan. "We don't think anything will come of it but we felt you all needed to be brought up to speed."
He glanced over at John and Selene, pleased to see that she was in her customary spot squished against his brother's side, his arm draped around her shoulders. When they had first told her about their involvement with Nathaniel he'd worried there was a possibility that she'd never talk to them again.
He'd seen how worried John had been, how much he'd tortured himself, scared that he'd done permanent damage to their relationship. Scott had tried everything to reassure him but, in the end, he'd had to trust that his sister-in-law would act exactly as she always did, rant, rage, storm off for a few hours then calm down and get over it. He'd been pretty confident that very little would keep her away from John and damn he loved it when he was right.
Selene, for her part, had said very little, her head resting on John's shoulder but her mouth kept tightly shut. He didn't know if this was because she was still a bit sore about the whole situation or because she still found it very difficult to talk about Nathaniel.
He couldn't blame her, it was a hard, traumatic part of her life, one that she had tried hard to keep private, which everyone now knew about. He had seen the way his brothers had looked at her as he and John had told their part of the story, their investigation and meeting in Malta and the subsequent showdown. It was obviously old news to Kayo, Penelope and now Gordon, but Alan, Virgil, Jeff and Grandma had gone through a wide range of emotions.
Virgil had been sad for her, clearly wanting to reach over and hug her but not daring to, leaving her to his brother's attention and support. Alan looked devastated for her, his bottom lip wobbling like he wanted to cry at some points in the story. He was a sensitive boy who believed firmly in right and wrong, having been brought up to respect everyone but especially women and he'd always looked up to Selene as a strong (and slightly scary) person that was afraid of no one. To say that it had shaken him was an understatement.
Grandma had been angry, enraged might even be a better description. Having spent time in an emergency room during her residency and in her volunteer work in deprived countries, she had seen more than her fair share of domestic abuse and even though Selene had never been hurt that badly, she knew that it had only been a matter of time.
Their father had been silent the whole time, taking in the story, listening to the details, his face set like a stone mask, impassive, unmoving, but Scott knew exactly what that was hiding. He'd seen that look from him before, knew he was holding in a silent, dangerous fury, his only movement the slow clenching and releasing of his hand as it formed a fist.
Scott knew what Selene meant when she said that she hated the sympathetic faces people made whenever they heard her story, they'd had the same, especially him, whenever someone had heard about their mother and then their father years later. The saddened tone, the comforting pat on the shoulder and then the quick subject change.
He was seeing it now, seeing the uncomfortable way she seemed to shy away from the people she was closest to just because they were talking to her with kindness and sympathy, something she obviously didn't want.
It had been Gordon that had jumped in to rescue her, cracking the worst joke in the history of jokes.
"Hey, Sel?"
She'd lifted her head from John's shoulder to see him grinning goofily at her.
"What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?"
She frowned, unable to figure out what that had to do with anything the others had been talking about. "I… I don't know."
"Oh sheet!"
She bit her lip, trying not to laugh at the absolute ridiculousness that was his joke but failed miserably.
"Dumbass," she grumbled affectionately, but to his delight she had smiled, just a little one, but it was enough.
"Yep, but you love me," he grinned, settling back against the couch again now that he had lightened the mood.
"I give up with you," John had muttered, but his lips twitched in suppressed amusement, so Gordon counted that as a win.
"Let me see if I've got this right," Jeff started, leaning back in his chair, arms crossed in almost a mirror image of how John and Scott often sat at the very same desk, and without the feet up that was so very Gordon. "This dismal excuse for a man who abused my daughter-in-law before moving on to others, decided that the best thing to do while facing the husband and best friend of said daughter -the husband and friend who had only made their presence known by stepping in to stop him berating a worker who he was obviously in a relationship with- was to verbally abuse you and verbally insult and degrade Selene in front of you?"
Scott and John nodded, wondering where this was going, Selene stayed quiet, finding it hard to hear it put so bluntly.
"He then continued to provoke you both with his words and actions, either being desperate to get a reaction or trying to intimidate you both into backing down, instead earning himself a punch to the face, right?"
"That's about the size of it," Scott admitted, glancing at John, both wondering which way their dad was going to swing. Jeff had very clear ideas of right and wrong, he was a firm believer that two wrongs did not make a right and had drummed it into all of them that they should take the high ground and ignore all attempts to rile them. What would he say about this? Not only had they been the instigators in the fact that they had tracked down the guy in the first place, but they had been the ones to get involved.
"There's only one thing I can say to that," Jeff continued.
"And that is?" John asked, looking his father dead in the eyes, chin lifted stubbornly.
"Next time punch him harder, he'd deserve it and it might knock some sense into him."
Alan choked on the sip of drink he had just taken, Virgil stared at their dad like he was an alien, Gordon mimed a microphone dropping and Grandma just looked proud.
"You're not mad?" John asked, unable to believe his ears. He had been sure that they were about to have strips torn off them.
"Hell no,"Jeff snorted. "You two stepped in when you saw someone in trouble, exactly how I brought you up to act and you defended your wife. I'd have done the same, in fact I did do the same when someone insulted your mother in my hearing."
"But what if this comes back to bite us?" Selene asked quietly, unable to make light of it like Jeff was. "I never wanted this to happen, I didn't want any of you to have to deal with him because of me."
"I'll tell you the same thing I've always told the boys," Jeff answered, reaching for his coffee. "There are good people and there are bad people in this world, we're some of the good ones. We always do our best, we try to save as many people as we can but sometimes things will go wrong, sometimes people won't appreciate the help or will take offence to it. It's the nature of the game. He took exception to their intervention because he was guilty of the things they accused him of, that's on him, not you and not them. You didn't ask him to treat you as he did, you didn't make him turn his attention to someone else, someone innocent, and to continue to do bad things."
Selene nodded slowly, shifting a little closer to John. It was hard for her to speak about it, hard for her to accept that everyone in the family now knew what had happened to her, but it was even harder to wrap her head around the fact that they were all supporting her. Sure her own parents and brother had been there for her, but they were her family, they had known Nathaniel and seen the change in her over the years they had been together, the Tracys hadn't but they were right there with her regardless.
"He's not going to let this go," she warned Jeff quietly. "He excels at making trouble for people, he's already threatened to sue."
"Let him try," Jeff shrugged in the same easy manner that Scott had. "I can guarantee our lawyers will eat him as a pre-breakfast snack. You boys did nothing wrong."
"But they're International Rescue," she argued. "The last thing you need is him spreading rumours about our operatives punching people and attacking people in their own restaurant."
"We might be International Rescue," Jeff answered, "but we're Tracys first, a family first, and my boys were standing up for their family and I for one couldn't be prouder of them. So, whatever happens, we'll deal with it the same way, as a family."