Emotionless Chapter 4
Cutting Edge
Dear Diary,
Sean visited today. It was sort of nice, but definitely not expected. We're on speaking terms now, and he's glad he got that. No way that we're gonna be as close as we were this soon. It's definitely gonna take awhile. Anyway, Mom is still in rehab, and we still have our monthly dinners. Actually, I just came back from having dinner with her. Now I'm here, in the bathroom. Joy. But I think I have a idea...
Love Ellie
I stared at the razor. Not anything to the normal human eye, but to me, it was everything. This object gave me the most wonderful feeling in the world, the feeling of numbness. When you're in a stressful situation, so stressful that there's no hope that things can be peaceful, you find a razor, and cut away. To me, it's the only way to feel good.
I try to remind myself, it's okay, things can't be that bad. But they are. Like always.
So, I take the razor, and test the sharpness on my forearm. It's very sharp. So I cut deeper. The numb feeling fills me all over, and I cringe. It's been awhile since I've cut. It's good to get back to old times.
Then I remind myself, if anyone finds out I'm done for. Counceling will be twice as harsh on me, and everyone will think I'm a psycho. I clean the blade with a tissue, toss it in the bathroom mirror cabient, and put a band-aid over the tiny, deep cut.
I leave the bathroom, and find Dad in my room. He found my stash of razors.
Oh crap.
Honey, what is this? he asks.
I say.
I found one in the bathroom too. Ellie, you have a secret. You've been doing something with these razors. says Dad.
Ok, I used to cut myself. Because of you going to Iraq and Mom getting drunk, and everything. The stress, it just made me boil over. I said.
I knew this was a bad idea. Me going to Iraq. said Dad.
Dad, please. It's really good what you are doing. We'd be broke without you. I said.
I know, honey. I just didn't know that it would result like this. he says and hugs me.
He leaves after, and I sit on my bed. Everything looks all white and black, and it's all in circles.....
20 minutes later...
I wake up seeing a plain green wall and Mom, Dad, Ashley, and Marco.
Where am I? I ask.
The hospital. Ellie, you passed out for some odd reason. We don't know why, but it's good you're awake. said the nurse.
Passed out? Why would I pass out? I didn't drink or anything. All I did was cut 1 tiny little mark in my skin...
But we discovered your cut. You lost a lot of blood, maybe that's why you passed out. said the nurse.
Um...how did I do that? I said.
The cut ooozed tons of blood. It wouldn't stop. said the nurse.
Honey....are you cutting again? asks Mom.
I cut once. That's all...I didn't think it would be that bad.. I said.
I look down at my arm, to find my cut. It was purple and all nasty....
The nurse put a huge band-aid over it.
Let it heal....I'll leave you all alone. said the nurse, leaving.
El, are you ok? asked Marco.
I'm not a psycho, ok? It was just one cut, and I didn't think it would be that bad... I said.
Yeah, I know...just wanted to make sure. said Marco.
No counceling..okay? I ask Mom and Dad.
No, but you have to promise to stop cutting. And we're disposing of all your razors. said Dad.
Will do. And that's a no to counceling right? I ask.
You don't have to go, because it was only 1 cut. said Dad.
I nod my head.
Everyone's gone now and I'm trying to sleep. But I somehow can't. All my thoughts trace back to Sean. I wonder if he knows...