Just that naive
I can't stop thinking about it. The way she took it so easy. Like it didn't mean all that much. Though I can't exactly blame her…
I remember it was at the burrow, and she laid on the madras on the floor, while I was in my bed, and it was uncommonly cold, it was winter break, you see, and I had my covers around my neck.
Hermione lay, playing with her fairy light. I'd given it to her that same day. It's this toy, mostly given to small children. Or muggleborn witches apparently. They easily brake, so they're always on sale. So I bought a couple. It glows, and is really pretty, though probably most for small afraid-of-the-dark-kids.
There was a glow coming from her side, I took a guess and hoped she was awake, though she probably was (hence the light was on) So I turned over on one side.
"Psst! Hermione?" I whispered.
"Yeah? Oh! I hope I didn't keep you up with this thing, I just enjoy it. It's so simple and yet exciting!" She whispered back, (it was late and we didn't want to wake anyone up.)
"No, it wasn't about that, I couldn't sleep anyway." I smiled.
"Then what Gin?"
"Have you ever.. Thought… you know… About girls?"
Hermione stiffened a laugh. "This can go two ways, either you're on your way to gossip about Lavender and her stealing 'my spotlight' or you're asking me about sexual orientation."
I had not expected that. I guess I had expected her to be shoked or asked what I meant by 'thought' or say that she was tired and just wanted to 'sleep'. But she didn't. She sounded interested.
"Well… The last I'm afraid." I answered feeling the heat in my cheeks.
I could tell Hermione was thinking about something, and I didn't want to get all hoarse by whispering too loudly. "Hermione? Could you come up here?"
She got up, and crawled into my bed, "Listen Gin, it's perfectly normal to feel like you're lost. Most do, but for some it's more of a phase, specially when they're as young as you and I."
For someone only a year older than me, she always made me feel so much younger, and completely ignorant. Like she was trying to explain something to a small child. Though I know she was trying to explain it to me like I was an equal. Her equal. It always made me feel even more ignorant.
"Yeah, I know, but… but I've felt like this for a while, and I'm not exactly sure it's .. uhm, love, but it worries me, being attracted to girls wouldn't please the Weasley line I think. Mum always used to tell me stuff about having a son in law and that sort of things? How am I supposed to break her heart like that?"
"She'll love you for who you are. So, you're telling me you're having a crush on someone?" Hermione asked, totally calm, but turning the lights off. I've always wondered if she knew.
"Well. Yes. But as said before I've never been sure?" I answered, hesitantly.
"Gin! Just tell me!"
She had me, I'd almost given up saying it to her, but I'd practised this so many times before, so this was my shot. "You."
"I what, Gin.? You better tell me!" She answered sounding 'mildly' pissed off.
I gritted my teeth "I. Like… You." It was merely a whisper, but I know she heard me perfectly clear.
There was a gasp. I feared the worst until she finally said :
"I kind of hoped." I couldn't believe my own ears, you must understand, she just told me she had hoped for it!
"Wha- How?" I was at a loss for word, and she kissed me. "I got these… dreams.. Of you and me. Together." She said it like it was the most natural thing in the world.
And of course my only answer was "Oh. Oh? OH!" I didn't get it at first, but then my brain finally caught on.
"So?" She said almost expecting.
I was at a loss for words. "What do you want? Should I ask you out? Oh my! Should I ask if you'd date me?"
Hermione snickered, though I didn't get why. "Noooot exactly. I thought we might.. Try and experiment together. I mean, we're both attracted to each other, how bad can it be?"
After she said that, I got the biggest lump in my throat, what if I sucked!
What if I didn't know what I doing! Correction: I KNEW I had absolutely NO idea what so ever what I was doing!
I nodded, not knowing how to get out of this mess.
So, she kissed me. My crush kissed me. I mean, I've kissed guys before. Never girls.
This kiss, it wasn't like they're used to, guys tend to drool, and it often seemed to me they were half trying to eat me.
But this, this was gentle. Electric. We pulled away, as if to see if the other felt it too.
I could, kind of tell Hermione felt the same way, she didn't speak, but placed her hand on mine, and intertwined her fingers with mine.
I was in a state of utter bliss. Do you ever get the feeling of being hot and cold at the same time? That was how I felt.
I remembered then, that I felt cold, and I asked her if she'd take her covers and share it with me. I also think I made a fake little shiver. Well, my feet were cold, that's got to count for something…
She made a 'mhmm' sound, but at first didn't move. "Lie down on your side." She told me. So I did. And she lied down, to spoon me. Needless to say, she kept me warm that night.
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In the daylight she was always with Harry and Ron. I didn't blame her. Though when they played Quidditch, she'd either join me, if I weren't playing, and if I was, she'd sit by a tree reading.
Though, as it was winter I didn't bother playing Quidditch all that much. Especially not if Hermione was going to keep me 'entertained' when the boys was elsewhere. But normally, I only really got to see her, or even talk with her about two hours a day. Harry and Ron always wanted her to come with them, though I was never invited.
I felt.. Shall we say, slightly betrayed, but I never said a word. Afraid she'd dump… whatever we had going.
But when the night came, she'd be very… preoccupied. By me. It happened quite a lot that she'd tell everyone that she was going to "Turn in early." And then wink at me, and smirk. And I knew what she wanted.
I had a legal excuse, I mean, every time I tried to get in my own bed, there was a good chance that I'd step on her, by accident of course.
It started out quite innocently, we didn't want to rush things. Well, I know we did, her because of her desires, and me, partly, for the same reason. But we talked it over. She didn't want just to rush into anything without being sure. She'd never had sex, I did, but I lied and told her we had that in common. She smiled at that, and I felt the lie was so white, you could almost see through it.
I wanted this it to last as long as possible, without the fear that she'd just say that it was fun having girl on girl action, but now it was time to try something more 'natural'.
So I dragged it out. More then she did anyway.
After a couple of days, she let her hands roam my body, and it made my skin crawl. In a good way I think, but I couldn't stop laughing, so after that, she told me to take charge of how far I wanted it to go.
And oh, I did. The next day, or, well, night I reached under her shirt, and felt her chest. At one point I squeezed them, making her moan into my mouth. It made me hot and after a while, I'd have her down on the bed, lying on top of her, I completely lost all orientation around me, and the next thing I remember is that she hadn't a shirt on. No bra either, and to my own bewilderment I saw that my torso also was naked. I felt heat rise to my cheeks, and all she told me was that I shouldn't be afraid.
I told her I was too tired to carry on. And she accepted it. I'm so glad she just agreed.
About 5 days after, or, I couldn't keep track of the time, she told me to shower with her. I was worried what she might mean by that, but I agreed. I had the power to say no, right?
No.
I know, deep inside I'd went along with pretty much all she'd ask of me.
In the shower, nothing really happened, only that we got to study each others bodies, it was rather innocent, but I felt ashamed of how small my breasts seemed to be, next to hers, probably because I'm over a head taller than her. Hard to say, I just know that I blushed, and she kissed me, touching my breasts. How I loved it. This time it was her that said that we'd occupied the bathroom long enough.
It went on like that for another good week. Until, there was only three days till we all were going back to Hogwarts, I remember it being a Friday. 'Cos we had to be back Sunday.
My parents were at a dinner somewhere, and the boys wanted to get drunk with Dean and some of the guys, so they sneaked out, and we were pretty much all alone.
After 8, we'd have it all to ourselves, so I guess, we both knew, this was the time.
I was so glad that I'd shaved my legs before ! But once again, and still, as always, we were kissing, and the hands found the place they preferred, both hers and mine, which meant we'd had to take off our shirts, we hadn't bothered to wear bras, since it didn't seem to make any sense.
Which led us to taking off my pants and her skirt.
She put her one hand down my knickers, and made me moan, in ways I myself never had been able to.
When I had reached my climax, I didn't know whether or not to say thank you, or repay the favour, or kiss her and so on.
So I kissed her. And kissed harder than usually. When I drew away she opened her eyes, they were totally clouded, as if lust being the only way out.
So I kissed my way down to her breasts, showing each nipple equal attention, before going further south. I teased her with my fingers, but decided to give in to her pleading desires.
It tasted bittersweet I think. Hard to say it was… New to me. She pressed my head further in, and the only thing on my mind was, that it must be the most beloved way to die.
When she came, it struck like lightning. It was like someone had given her an electric shock, so I pulled out, and laid myself by her. Held her in my arms, as she shook. That night she told me she loved me. And I loved her too. I'd probably loved her since the first time I thought about, the fact that I could be gay.
-----
It continued like that for a while. I was pleased, I was happier than I'd ever been. We'd have sex or make out every chance we got. Also when we got back to Hogwarts. It was nice, but she didn't want to come out. "Too risky" She used to say.
Bull.
I once asked if she'd be my girlfriend, but she quickly changed the subject. So I didn't push it. But I should've.
A month came and went. Nobody knew. Hermione told me to keep it a secret. For our sake. So I kept quiet. Well, I told Luna, but 1) she'd never tell anyone, and 2) if she did who would believe her?
February was nearly halfway through, when she corned me after class. She pulled me into the Room of Requirement. I thought it was going to be a 'fun little time' like it used to be. So I started out, being the one to pull her up against a wall. Ever the dominant one you might see. But after a couple of minutes, she stopped me, and I had a weird feeling in my gut.
She was never one to stop.
She talked really fast, as if saying something she'd rehearsed to death, over and over again- "Listen Gin, it's been great, and you know how I love you…"
The only thing I could do was standing looking scared "You're dumping me!"
"Well, not dumping, we practically were never an item. But you see, I see now it can't continue, I mean it was fun while it lasted -" she smiled while saying it, like it was just a fling, when I thought I meant something to her. I had always known, that I loved her more then she loved me, but I still thought there was time. A little more time at least.
"Maybe. Maybe not." I said, I never had been a crier, and I wasn't going to cry now because the person I loved was getting tired of me. Okay that was a lie. I wanted to get out, away from her. And just run to whoever was nearest,. So I retreated. Saying "I always thought more of you, you know. Just to back out without any reason."
I split, sprinting towards the Gryffindor tower, on the verge of tears. And just as I was on my way to say the password to the fat lady, Ron came out, greeting me, and I thought he could see how distort I was, so I hugged him, hoping for some brotherly advise.
He was slower than he usually was. "Oh, Ron. I can't believe it happened… I always hoped-" I sobbed into his chest.
"So so, there there", he soothed and patted my back, rubbing my shoulders. "I know I was slow, but I'm with her, now, so you guys don't have to make me see we're a great fit anymore m'kay?" he said, making me more confused then I already was.
"You're with who?" I said dumbfounded, having a feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was far from any kind of comfort I wanted.
"Hermione of course! We finally got together, I've been working on asking her out since Christmas, and you know how slow I ca-"
That's when I ran. Run to my room and threw myself on the floor. I didn't eat for 3 days, and it ended with me, in the hospital.
I still don't get how she could just use me like that. And now I have to fake happiness for them. Hermione is walking around, showing her engagement ring around, makes me sick. I think she truly believes in her head that I'm fine with it now.
Since I've had some other girlfriends since her she thinks I'm over her. Though she doesn't see it like I do. The former 2 girlfriends I've had , had brown hair, and was cleverly smart. I keep hoping she'll see the light and come back to me. But in the end, I guess I'm just that naïve.