"Hold my flap," Selene instructed seriously. Despite her tone, her words, combined with the few glasses of rather strong mead they had both ingested, made John snort out a laugh as he held the tent flap up out of the way so she could duck under it and shimmy into the yurt.
"You should not be laughing at me in such a manner, my king," she informed him haughtily as she sat carefully on the edge of the bed to yank off her shoes.
"Sorry, my queen," he apologised, dipping into a low (and slightly wobbly) bow.
"So you should be," she sniffed, tugging off her left boot and tossing it in the corner.
"How do these extensions come out?" John asked, fiddling with his hair, his fingers exploring with a little less skill than normal.
Selene's right boot received the same treatment as the left and sailed across the yurt to land on the floor.
"Come here and let me see," she ordered, scooting back further onto the bed and patting the space between her legs.
"One second." He took a moment to secure the yurt flaps for the night before he dutifully sat, sighing contentedly when her fingers began to gently sift through his hair to examine the extensions.
"I think they're just clip in ones, they seem to be in rows so they should come out easily enough," she mused, almost as if she were talking to herself. "Although it's gonna be a shame, they look really good on you."
"If you like them that much we can keep them for another time, but they're already digging into my head and I don't relish the thought of trying to sleep with them in."
"That's fair," she agreed easily, "although I'm holding you to that, we are definitely keeping them."
"Happy wife, happy life," he quoted, wincing slightly when one of the clips accidentally tugged at his hair.
"Not that you aren't sexy enough without them," she hurried to add, gently rubbing the spot on his scalp that the clip had yanked. "Thank you, again, for stepping in like you did, and for letting Tanzi dress you up when I know you probably would have rather been shot in the nuts with Two's water cannon, you really didn't have to do it, but I appreciate it more than you know."
"That's a pleasant image for a man to have. But there's really no need to thank me," he continued. "Honestly, while I was surprised, not to mention honoured, to have been asked, there was never a chance that I'd turn down the opportunity to be part of something that's so important and special to you. You do more than your fair share to support me, it's been nice to be able to do the same for you for once."
"What do you mean 'for once'?" she asked, unclipping a few more and removing a whole strand strip which she carefully put to one side. "You always support me."
John shrugged, obviously not wanting to answer but Selene was having none of it.
"Hey, no, unless you want to stay with half a head of extensions you'll talk to me and tell me what you meant."
"It's nothing…" he started but trailed off into silence, obviously unsure what to say.
Selene didn't know what he might need to say that would be so difficult, but she decided not to push him, although she did finish unclipping another line of hair as a goodwill gesture. She'd found that, much like with Scott, John would only accept so many demands and threats before he shut down on principle, a stubborn Tracy through and through. They had an understanding, they didn't lie to each other, they talked about everything and anything so that way nothing ever became a problem. John hadn't seen what they were calling the Nathaniel Incident as something that needed to be talked about because he hadn't seen it as anything that related to their relationship, now he knew better. She just needed to give him time to order his thoughts and decided just how he wanted to explain his thinking to her.
She started working on the last strip of hair, unsnapping the clips and easing them away from his head. One last snap and the hair joined the pile beside her.
"There's my gorgeous husband," she sighed happily, running her fingers through his now short hair.
John tipped his head back further into her hands, eyes closed as he enjoyed the attention as she gently massaged his scalp, making it tingle as the strands relaxed back into place and the blood started to flow.
"That feels so good," he sighed. "Now I know why you make noises that border on pornographic every time you take your hair down out of a high ponytail."
"It's second only to taking your bra off at the end of the night and letting the girls swing free."
"They don't have extensions for those so, regrettably, it will have to remain something I never experience," he deadpanned, making her giggle.
"Though I must confess," he continued in the same tone, "to enjoying the benefits of your braless moments when those delectable girls come in to land in my hands."
"Is that a hint that I should hurry up and get undressed?"
"I would not be opposed to it, if you so choose."
"That's John speak for 'yes but I'm far too gentlemanly and sophisticated to ask you to whack your tits out'," Selene laughed, sliding off the bed.
"I would never say anything so vulgar," he told her, standing back up to help her with the zip of her dress when she struggled to reach it.
"Of course not," she assured him, standing still so he could ease down the stubborn zip of her gown.
"There, all done."
"Thank you."
John stepped back to give her a little more room to move, not that there was much space free in the small yurt, sitting back on the bed to start working on unlacing his boots.
"Tanzi really did pick the best outfit for you," Selene groaned, watching as his boots were tossed aside to join hers and the tunic tugged off over his head.
"We'll agree to disagree on that one," he muttered. "I'm not sure she's entirely in her right mind with anything."
"Why would you say that? What did she say to you?" Selene asked, busily feeling around her head to locate and remove the flowers that were entwined in the strands.
"She tried to convince me that she is seventy-eight years old and that Avery is a vampire," he laughed as he tugged off the too tight leggings thatTanzi had forced him into, swapping them for a pair of comfortable gym shorts that didn't squash his crotch into oblivion. Honestly, maybe he could understand how Selene's breasts felt when released from their bra prison. He might be used to wearing a super tight spacesuit, but it had been designed to his exact measurements meaning that it supported without squashing and definitely didn't have a very uncomfortable seam that rode up into places it shouldn't.
"Is that all? I thought she'd said something weird to you," Selene said, sighing with relief as she extracted another flower.
"All? Is that all? Did you seriously just say that?"
"Yeah," she shrugged. "It's not like she was saying anything crazy."
"Are you honestly expecting me to believe that?"
"Yes, because it's true," Selene said patiently, tossing the last flower into the growing pile on the small table beside the kettle.
"It's not possible."
"Sweetheart, twelve hours ago you were a cat, hiding under your wolf brother, most people wouldn't think that was possible either."
"Tanzi said the same thing," he reluctantly admitted. "It just seems so fantastical, even for us. Imagine all that they have seen, all the history they have lived through, the memories in their heads."
"Blows your mind a bit, doesn't it? I try not to think about it too much."
"I can't not think about it, I have so many things I'd like to ask them, so many questions about history and all the things they have experienced, they were there when the first men went into space, they saw it all. They're like a walking history book."
Selene smiled, loving the way his mind had instantly gone on a knowledge hunting kick. He might have been disbelieving at first but now he was seeing the full potential of the situation.
"Do you think they would be willing to talk to me and answer some questions?"
"I'm sure they would," she assured him. "Just don't ask Avery anything about his days as a pirate, he makes it seem far more glamorous than it actually was and he'll tell you complete rubbish because he's embellished his stories so much over the years even he can't quite remember what is truth and what he made up to get into someone's pants."
"How do you do that?" he asked her so seriously that she stopped running her brush through her hair to look at him.
"Do what?" she asked, momentarily distracted by his now gloriously bare chest as he carefully folded his flouncy shirt.
"Say all of that so casually, like it's nothing special, like it's the most normal thing in the world."
"Well, you married a witch, for me this is normal."
"I married an amazing witch," he corrected. "An amazing, beautiful, intelligent, talented witch."
"Flatterer," she joked, shrugging out of her dress and grabbing the T-shirt he'd been wearing earlier from his bag to sleep in. "You're not supposed to lie to your beloved."
"It's the truth," he promised, pulling back the covers so he could climb into bed.
Selene retrieved two bottles of water from their spot under the little table, handing him one, before joining him in the bed.
"So, what did you think of your first day at a festival?" she asked once they were settled in their customary positions, his arm around her with her head pillowed comfortably on his shoulder.
"It was certainly interesting."
"Uh oh, that sounds bad. Good interesting or bad interesting?"
"Good interesting," he answered but didn't elaborate, falling silent again, something she was not prepared to put up with. She'd given him time to think, now it was time for him to talk.
"Do you remember our golden rule?" she asked softly.
"You're always right?" he tried.
"No," she drawled. "I was referring to the rule where we never go to sleep angry or with anything left unsaid."
"Oh, that rule."
"Yes, that one. So, do you want to tell me what you meant when you said 'for once'? You've got me thinking that I've said or done something to make you think that I feel like you don't support me. Because, believe me, that's never been my intention."
"No, of course you haven't," he rushed to assure her, hating himself for even making her think such a thing. "I just meant that there hasn't really been that much you do that I could support you in like you do for me."
"It's enough that you don't judge me," she answered softly. "That's all I ever needed, just for you to accept me as I am and not make me feel bad about who I am or what I do."
"But that's not enough for me," he said quietly, his fingers sliding into her hair, a sure sign that he was feeling a little agitated and needed to comfort and ground himself. "I've always wanted us to have a fair and equal relationship. I don't like feeling like I'm not holding up my end of the promise."
"You do plenty to support me," she insisted hotly, turning her head to look at him. "You've shown an interest, you've researched and learnt about my beliefs so you could understand them, you've helped with natal chart plotting, you've put up with an altar appearing in your room and me basically turning your life upside down and you agreed to a handfasting which caused even more problems, so if that isn't supporting me then I don't know what is."
She glared up at him with such a fierce look on his face that he couldn't help but smile. She never could stand anyone saying anything against him, even himself, that honour was hers and hers alone and only when she felt he truly needed it.
"That's not what I meant, but thank you for your spirited defence of my character."
"Then what did you mean? Babe, please talk to me, I don't like it when I can see that you obviously have something on your mind but you won't share it."
John concentrated on picking a stray flower petal out of her hair, studying it as he took a moment to gather his thoughts.
"It's just, it's been nice to see you like this."
"Like what? All witchy and shit? Because you've seen that before."
"But only on your own," John pointed out. "And not really like this. I've seen you dressed up ready to attend an event or to visit a client, but I've also seen you slobbing around in leggings and one of my shirts while you're doing a card reading. That doesn't count."
"How so?" she demanded, "because it damn well counts to me."
"You've spent a lot of time with me on Five, you've helped out on the odd rescue, you've taken calls and done research, you've listened to me while I've been writing and practicing my lectures and then come with me to watch as I deliver them. You've seen everything I do but I've never had the same opportunities to see you in action, in an environment where you are the one in your element. It's been eye opening."
"I'm not sure if that sounds like a good thing, babe," Selene said, half lifting up like she would move away, although she received one of his big hands to her head, gently pushing her back down again.
"It is a good thing," he continued once she had settled again. "Watching you today has been wonderful because I've been able to see you surrounded by your peers, people just like you, and see how you interacted with them. I've always marvelled at how confident you are in almost any situation but today was like watching you...I don't know how to explain it."
Selene stayed quiet, letting him gather his thoughts and find the right words, the fingers on one hand drawing little patterns on his bare chest.
"You seemed so at home," he finally continued. "I've always loved just how comfortable you seemed to be from the first the moment you came to the island, you just seemed to slot into the family as if you had always been there."
"I can make myself comfortable anywhere."
"I know," he smiled, giving her a little squeeze. "But today was different, you were surrounded by people that love you and understand you, people you have history with that were there for one of the hardest parts of your life, who helped get you through all of that."
"It's just how we are," she shrugged. "Groups are often like families."
"That's exactly how it was," he said, getting into his stride a little now that he could see she understood and was on the same mental track as he was. "They all treated you like you were family, it was nice to see."
"I sense a but," she accused, sitting up to look at him, giving him no chance to pull her back down again. Lying cuddled up to him was a sneaky move on his part, he knew that it weakened her defenses, husband chest that up close and personal did silly things to her brain cells.
"There's no but," he said, but she knew he was lying through his teeth.
"Bullshit," she gave him the raised eyebrow of doom, more than ready to engage in an all night stare out if she had to. "There's something else on your mind and it's nothing to do with you having to spend the day surrounded by my merry band of weirdos, so spill it because I'd like to go to sleep at some point tonight."
"Why do you do that?" John groaned, draping his arm over his face, covering his eyes.
"Do what?" she demanded, crossing her arms for emphasis. There was no way she was going to let him get away with lying to her or himself.
"Never let me get away with anything!" he yelled, jerking upright too.
"Because I'm your wife and that's my job?" she shot back, beginning to feel a little frustrated.
"But it shouldn't be," he argued. "You've given up so much to be with me, to spend time with my family instead of being with yours."
"What the actual hell are you talking about? I'm always spending time with my family, I see more of Mum and Adam now than I did before we met. How much mead did you drink?"
"Not enough for this conversation," he groaned, rubbing his face with both hands.
"Tough, we're having it anyway, so get on with it." It couldn't be anything too serious, he was never this evasive when there was an actual crisis. She'd spent too long training all of the Tracy boys to actually open up and talk to her when their issue was a mere niggle, before it blew up into a big problem. So why the hell was he being so cagey about something minor?
"Do I have to? Can't I just be a good husband and ravish my beautiful wife as she deserves?"
"OK, one, we're in a yurt, which is basically just fabric, in a field with lots of other people nearby, and two, no, because I refuse to allow you to distract me with your gorgeous chest and sexy hands and delectable mouth."
He waggled his fingers before trailing them seductively down the length of her arm from her shoulder to the tip of her fingers in a last ditch attempt at winning her over to his way of thinking.
"I'll agree to think about a possible, very silent, in the dark, barely moving, seduction…" she offered, arching her eyebrow when he perked up in interest, "after we finish this conversation."
John, smart man that he was, knew when he was beaten. It was better to get it over and done with, hanging it out would only prolong the agony.
"What did you mean?" Selene asked again, softening her tone. "When have I ever given you the impression that I've given up anything to be with you besides time and a little sanity from the moment I met your brothers? Both of which I was willing and happy to give."
"You haven't," he admitted, his fingers twisting the blanket now that she wasn't near him, needing something to do with his hands.
"Then where is this coming from?" she asked, taking his free hand in hers. "Baby, what's going on in that head of yours? Did someone say something to you that they shouldn't have? Did someone or something upset you? Do I have to get my sword back from Vera and go a'huntin?"
"There's no need for you to hit the vigilante switch quite so aggressively, no one said anything," he promised her, "they were very nice and very welcoming, which in itself was part of the problem."
"The problem is that my friends were too nice? And that was an issue,how? Baby, you're gonna have to spell this out for me because I'm trying to understand and see things from your point of view but I'm coming up blank. I got nothing."
"They all love you here," he tried to explain, knowing that he wasn't really making sense. Communications might be his job but that didn't mean he was good at it. "You've been away for ages and you fitted straight back in like you never left. You have a place here, you have history and responsibilities, all of which you've stepped away from since we've been together."
"Yes, because that's what I chose to do," she pointed out.
"They all miss you, they kept asking where you had been and saying how good it was to see you. I listened to all of their stories today and I realised that you've been missing out on so much. Festivals, rituals, special occasions, births, weddings, maybe even funerals, all in your community, one you were so entwined with, and now you aren't."
"And?"
"And I can't help but feel like it's my fault," he admitted quietly, not daring to look at her.
"Fault? Of course it's not your fault or anyone else's because there is no blame to be laid at anyone's door."
"But you could have been here the whole time, with your people."
Selene sighed, finally seeing the full picture.
"Gods for a smart man you're hard work," she grumbled affectionately, lying back down, but this time pulling him down so he could rest in her arms as she often did in his.
"Baby, listen to me, you've never stopped me from doing anything I've ever wanted to do, whenever I've wanted to do it. Yes, if we weren't together I would probably still be spending all my free time with these guys, but that doesn't mean that I would prefer that. Yes, I miss seeing them as much as I used to, but I'd never trade them for you. You'd win every time. It's not even a contest."
He stayed quiet, but his arm slid its way around her middle as he settled more comfortably.
"Back then all that was insisted upon was for me to spend at least the full moon with the group if I wanted to be a permanent member of it. Anything else was up to me, but I did it all, all moon phases, all the holiday rituals and I spent time with them on a social level. And do you know why?"
John shook his head, his hair tickling her neck.
"Because as much as I love my parents and Adam, I had nothing else in my life. I had nowhere else that I fitted in. Nowhere I was accepted and loved for being myself, but now I have that. Yes, the people here are amazing, but they aren't as amazing as you. The community was there when I needed it, but now I don't as much, and that's OK."
"I just didn't want any of them to think that I'd taken you away from them, that I'd come along and steal their friend."
"Baby, I'm not something you can steal, I make my own choices. Just because I'm not going to all these events doesn't mean I'm not still part of their community or that I don't feel like I belong here. Just because I spend some time away doesn't mean that I've been made an outcast, it doesn't work that way. Like I said, the community is here when it's needed and if it needs me then I'd be there, if someone desperately needed me I know you'd do everything in your power to get me there, and they know that too, and that's all that matters. Besides, all they have ever wanted was for me to be happy, and being with you is what makes me happy. They aren't blind, they can see a mile away that I'm so stupidly loved up and happier than ever."
"They see you as family," he said softly, ignoring the stupidly loved up part of her speech.
"I know they do, and I feel the same way about them but, as much as they have always tried to make me feel included, there was always something missing. There's only so much time you can spend with a happy family before you start to feel like you're intruding, or you start to feel a little envious of what they have. I was OK with it, I honestly was, I never expected to meet someone because I certainly wasn't actively looking, I was content to be the crazy aunt that takes the kids on days out, stuffs them full of chocolate and brings them back just before they throw up."
John couldn't help but laugh. "You did that with Alan and Gordon and it was you that almost threw up."
"Don't remind me," she shuddered, still able to conjure up the terror of that damned rollercoaster. "But back to my original point. I've never felt like I'm missing out or that I've lost anything, all I've done is gain. We've made our own home, our own family, no matter how crazy it sometimes is. How could anything between us be wrong or your fault?"
"I just worry that you've given up on too many things."
"You honestly think that I've given things up to be with you? Are you crazy? I chose to spend my time with you and the family, that's my choice. But far from preventing me from doing things, I'm doing more than ever. Have you actually checked my diary lately? No, here, have a look," she grabbed her phone from the floor beside the bed and pulled up her calendar. Ignoring his protests that he didn't need to see it, she practically shoved it in his face, scrolling through to show him all the appointments and bookings she had.
"Now look back to before we were together," she selected a date a few months before they had met and scrolled back. "Yes I was busy. But not this busy. And all my in person clients were local, based in England or maybe around Europe at a push and then not very often. Now I have clients all over the world because all I have to do is bat my eyelashes at Scott for a ride, get in my car or take the elevator. You literally opened up the world to me. How is that a bad thing?"
John sighed, unable to refute the evidence she was presenting him with and she felt him relaxing against her a little more.
"I know you're right and logically I knew that nothing on this earth could have stopped you doing anything if you'd wanted to, so I know that everything has been your choice-"
"If you knew all that, why were you torturing yourself about it?" Try as she might sometimes she just didn't understand her husband. He was the most logical person in the world, but it seemed that when it came to their relationship, logic didn't always come into it. Coupled with the fact that they had both been a little on edge after what had happened with Nathaniel, John more so than her, then she supposed she could see why he would be a little paranoid. That didn't mean she had to like it though.
"I don't know," he admitted. "I don't think this is really an us thing after all, I think it's more of a me problem."
A him thing? Now she was even more confused. If it wasn't to do with them, why had he just said all that?
"I think you need to stop dancing around this and actually tell me what's going on in your head," Selene said softly, her fingers playing with the short hairs at the base of his skull.
"You're going to hate me for saying it."
"Babe, when have I ever hated you for saying how you feel or what you're thinking?"
"It's nothing… it's just…"
"Just?" she prompted.
"I'm used to hearing it from Grandma and the others when they are joking around, and we always ignore it or brush it off, but today just made it a bit more real."
"Ignore what?" she asked, moving her arm out of the way when he abruptly sat up, allowing him the space he obviously needed. Over the years she'd learned not to take it personally, John had always been used to spending large amounts of time on his own and when he felt overwhelmed or needed to think clearly he often needed a physical distance too. It didn't mean that he didn't love her, it didn't mean that she disgusted him or that he didn't want to be touched, it just meant that, at that moment in time, he needed the physical separation to allow his brain the freedom to focus on just one thing.
"You were there, you know, the way people kept asking us when we would be having kids," he said the last part almost as if it were a bad thing, some dirty word he shouldn't be repeating. She half expected him to flinch as the words left his mouth.
"Oh, that," Selene sighed in relief, worried that it might have been something terrible. People were always asking when they were going to have kids, like procreation was the only reason anyone got married, it was something she'd learned to brush off and ignore. "That doesn't matter, we're doing things our way and we said we weren't going to have kids, so that's all they need to know. People always make such a big deal out of having a baby, as if they are the end goal of any relationship when to me the love you have for your partner is the important thing."
She looked at her husband expectantly, usually this was the point when he would agree with her or tell her that one of her was more than enough and that a mini her would drive him crazy. But he didn't. She studied his stiff back and tense shoulders, knowing something else was going on with him. Could it be that it wasn't as simple as them brushing it off after all?
"You know that it doesn't matter, right? When we talked about kids we both agreed that it wasn't for us."
He kept quiet, not agreeing or disagreeing, which in itself spoke louder than any words he could have said.
"Is this your way of telling me you've changed your mind?"
"No," he shook his head hard, but paused, unable to lie to her no matter how much he might want to. "At least I don't think so."
"Baby, you're not making much sense, so start from the beginning and talk me through it, OK? Talk me through everything and everything you're feeling, begin with how you even started thinking this way."
She reached out her hand in offer and he took it, wrapping his bigger hand around her smaller one, engulfing it completely.
"You gonna tell me what you're thinking?"
He nodded, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly. He knew that she would listen, that he could be honest with her. He needed to tell her what he was thinking, because if he didn't it would fester in the back of his mind until it blew up into something much worse than it actually was. She loved him, she wouldn't judge him on anything he said, but he couldn't help feeling nervous.
"I just feel like I've taken away so many of your choices and options just by being with you," he started, holding up his hand to stop her when she opened her mouth to argue. "I know, I know you're going to say that I haven't, and I know that too, logically, but I can't help it. I think about the kind of life you could have if you were with someone else, a normal life with a normal family. If you had met someone like you, someone pagan that understands your beliefs and your lifestyle a bit better it would have been easier for you. You would have stayed in your community and not had to deal with all the shit that comes with our life. No danger, no worry, no stress, just a nice, normal husband and maybe kids one day with someone that could actually handle all that, someone that's not as fucked up as I am."
Selene frowned. "How are you fucked up exactly? Because from where I'm sitting I already have the perfect husband for me, I couldn't, and wouldn't, want anyone else but you."
"I've never seen you with a baby before," his tone was quiet, Ignoring her question as if he hadn't even heard it, almost like he was talking to himself, not her. "It suited you."
"Hardly," she snorted. "I'm alright for a few hours then I'd probably get distracted and leave it on a bus or something."
"You'd be a better parent than me."
"What? Why would you even say that?" Selene asked, genuinely shocked.
"I just don't think I'd make a great parent, that's all."
"Bullshit, you already are. Look at EOS, you're amazing with her, she's amazing, and that's down to you. That's all you." When he let go of her hand Selene sat up too, needing to be closer to him, she didn't like the distance he was trying to put between them.
"But she's not real," he protested, the pain in his voice actually hurting her to hear. "She's not a real child, she's a computer program, not flesh and blood and it's probably good that she isn't."
"Sweetheart, you're still not making much sense right now. Let's back up, yeah? Let's unpack this slowly, because whatever the problem is we can deal with it together."
"If she was real I'd have fucked up already," he argued, but there was no fire in his tone, just a resigned acceptance.
"Rubbish, you could never fuck up with her or anyone else."
"I would!" he insisted. "I'm not good with people, let alone children. I can only interact with them when there's a screen between us and I'm thousands of miles above them in orbit."
"You're good with me," she reminded him. "You always have been, right from the start."
"You're different, we're different, you treated me like I was a person who was special, not broken."
"And a child would see you exactly the same way, because you are special and not in any way broken, not even slightly bent out of shape. Also, just FYI, if you ever say that about yourself again I will not be impressed and be forced to yell at you for at least an hour straight."
He snorted but wisely didn't argue.
"You were great with Bella today and with Finn. I know I kinda volunteered for us both but I didn't think you'd mind."
"I didn't mind, they were both great kids."
"Then why would you say that you aren't good with kids? Surely you've had practice? You looked like you knew what you were doing. You didn't drop Finn on his head, that's always a bonus."
"What is it that you say, fake it until you make it? I've had no experience with kids other than Gordon and Alan and that was different because they are family, they are my brothers, I know them and would probably have been forgiven if I'd dropped either of them.,"
"You'd know your own child too, probably better than you know your brothers," Selene pointed out. "Anything in life is a learning curve, sometimes you gotta mess up a hundred times before it goes smoothly."
"I'm the middle child," he pointed out, quite unnecessarily, she was well aware of their birth order. "I guess I didn't really have the same parenting that the others did. We were all different."
Selene kept quiet, letting him speak, her hand rubbing soft circles on his back, comforting him as best she could without crowding him too much.
"Mom always did her best."
"Of course she did," Selene agreed although obviously she had no frame of reference, never having met her mother-in-law.
"But she had five kids and it wasn't easy. Alan hadn't even turned two when she died, Gordon only nine, so Grandma and Dad focused most of their attention on them, and it was right that they should. When Virgil and Scott were home they pitched in too. But I was 12, so I think I fell through the gaps a bit, too old to need watching and looking after, but too young to really cope with all that had happened on my own."
Selene shuffled closer, wrapping her arms around him, cuddling up to his back, offering him her silent support and love. He didn't often talk about his mother, none of them did really, and she'd never wanted to push the subject. People grieved and coped in their own ways. Who was she to tell them what to do, especially after how she had been when she had lost her father?
"I helped out with Gordon and Alan, but they didn't seem to want me, they were more likely to go to Scott or Virgil, they were used to listening to them and doing as they were told. With Dad having been away so much when we were younger, Scott had been Dad's second in command, being the man of the house when he wasn't there. The more they chose Scott or Virgil over me the less I bothered to try. You know me, I'm not exactly vocal about my needs and with the family in disarray as it was I ended up spending more time alone than I had before."
"It sounds very much like you had to raise yourself, at least for that part of your life," Selene said softly, trying hard to keep her tone as neutral and non accusatory as possible.
"I guess you're right, although I never saw it that way," John shrugged. "I just know that all these doubts have always been in the back of my mind."
"What doubts, baby?"
"That if I ever had kids I wouldn't bond with them," he whispered, so quietly she barely heard him. "What if I couldn't bond with them and they hate me? What if I couldn't interact with them properly or do any of the things that a dad is supposed to?"
"Why would you even think that?" Selene breathed, shocked to the core that he had been holding all this inside for so long. Sure, they had talked about not having kids but they had never really gone in depth into the whys of it, she hadn't thought they had to. Now it seemed that it had been a massive oversight on her part, because her man must have been living with these thoughts pinging around in his brain for years.
"I just...this is going to sound so bad and I really don't mean it to," he started. Selene gave him an extra big squeeze, letting him know she was there and that she loved him, giving him the strength he needed to continue trying to voice the thoughts she hadn't known he had. "I love Dad, I do, and I know he did his best in the times he was home-"
"But he wasn't there enough for you to really know him or for him to have much of a hand in your upbringing?" she guessed. She felt him relax, heard his deep exhale as he let out the breath he'd been holding.
"Yes, that's exactly it. I don't ever really remember much of him as a parent, that was mostly Mom. He was home infrequently and when he was he was still quite busy, Mom knew everything that went on in the house so he deferred to her most days. I guess I was too quiet to really push my way in to get his attention like the others would. Middle child syndrome again."
Selene nodded, knowing he would feel her movements, she didn't need to actually speak.
"I don't know how to be a parent, I don't have the knowledge or the experience to know that I'd do a good enough job."
"I don't think anyone does," Selene said softly. "It's not something that comes with an instruction manual. Besides, I think you'd be the most amazing father ever. Actually, I don't think you would, I know you would."
"You can't know that," he huffed. "There are no certainties in this."
Needing to see his face, needing him to listen to her, Selene shuffled to the side where she could see him clearly.
"Seriously? Sweetheart, listen to me, OK? I've heard you talking to kids on calls or in person, I've heard you teaching EOS, I've seen you parenting Alan even when you don't think you are. So we don't have a huge amount of practical experience with kids, that doesn't mean we'd be crap at it. Whatever happened we'd deal with it together like we always do, it wouldn't be just you."
He tried to speak but she shut him up with a finger to his lips.
"No, you've had your turn, now wifey is speaking. All the things you do are exactly what a good dad should, whether you know it or not."
John snorted but wasn't willing to risk her wrath by trying to argue when she'd told him not to.
"You want to know what I think makes a good dad? Everything I had with mine. Listening to your child, letting them talk to you and show you what is important to them, that makes a good parent. Supporting them, guiding them, teaching them, that makes a good parent. Being patient and understanding, loving them for who they are not who you wanted them to be, that makes a good parent. Providing hugs, smiles, laughs, kindness and being someone they can rely on, that makes a good parent. Remembering their favourite food, their favourite band or tv show, knowing the toy they can't sleep without and the best story to get them to sleep, that's what's important. And I know you, I know you could reel off all that information about anyone in the family, because you're you. You're already doing all of the things that make someone a good parent before you even are one."
"But what about the amount of time I spend up in Five? Dad was away a lot when we were younger and I don't want that for my kids. Not the amount he was. And when he was home it was more like he was training us than parenting, he was all contingency plans, emergency drills, flight and survival training. I don't know how to be a dad because we never really had one in the way that I'd want to be, I don't want to be an absent father who seems to care more about work and his own personal missions than his family."
"Baby, you wouldn't be. I know you. You're there for everyone when it matters, you always are. You're the voice of hope for the world, the one that's always there. Your dad was on missions to the moon, to mars, across the galaxy, you're hanging around the house, just very high above it. You can be home in eight minutes. Babe, eight minutes. A dad with a normal job would take longer than that to be home in an emergency. And the baby could comm call to see and talk to you any time they wanted to. When we have kids we'll make it work, we always do."
"You sound like you're trying to convince me," John said, unable to stop a small, hopeful little smile from forming on his face. "You said when we have kids, not if. Are you saying you could actually see us having children?"
He'd been dreading having this conversation from the moment he'd realised that the thought of having a child with her was not just a mildly interesting possibility but an actual, real desire. It had been creeping up on him for months, years if he was being honest, from the moment he'd realised that he wanted to marry her and make her a permanent part of his life and family. He'd sat and watched her dealing with scared children and people, listened to her patiently explain things to EOS, watched her mother his family even when she didn't know she was, and with each little thing she'd done he'd warmed to the idea. But it had been abstract, a dream that he had never truly believed in because they had decided and he had his own issues to deal with. Then she had picked up that baby with a calm, capable, confidence he had never expected and something inside him had broken open, the dream suddenly seeming more like something that he'd like to be a reality.
He didn't know how he'd expected her to react to the news that he had had a change of heart, probably with disapproval, disappointment that he'd gone against what they had discussed before, maybe fear or worry. He'd expected to have to over-explain himself, to calm her down, to field one of her famous dramatic rants and to make her believe in herself. He'd never in a million years expected her to be the one convincing him that they could do it. It was a shock, but a good one. He held his breath, trying not to look at her too much like a hopeful puppy as he waited for her to answer his question.
"I guess so," Selene admitted, "maybe one, one day, we never outright said no, we always said we didn't want any at the moment, but if we ever changed our minds we'd talk about it. Is that what we're doing here?"
"I think it might be," John said, finally feeling calm enough to lie back down on the bed, lifting his arm in invitation. His smile widened when she settled beside him, snuggling into his side. He had been so scared to bring up the subject, feeling like she would never want to even think about it, having seemed so adamant against the thought of kids. He'd worried it would be another thing he'd done wrong that might push her away from him. His arm curved around her, pulling her in closer, relaxing into the mattress.
"Then we cross that bridge when we come to it," she answered, wiggling to get comfy. "But only when we feel ready, not when the world tells us to. There's no rush. But I know for a fact that you would be an amazing dad. You'd be the one that would have endless patience while I'm yelling and stressing out about nothing. You'd be firm but fair and you'd be their rock like you are mine. You'd be the one making behaviour charts and insisting on them having a bedtime routine and a balanced diet. You'll be amazing."
"I've never really let myself picture it," he mused, finding that talking was easier now that the hard bit was over. He'd tried to keep his thoughts to himself, not wanting to ruin their time away at something that was almost exclusively hers, but it seemed that his mind, and his wife, had had other ideas. "I always had this thought that if I had kids I'd make them a star chart, you know, be good and you get a star?"
Selene nodded, she'd had one herself, with coloured star stickers.
"But each star would be a glow in the dark sticker and we'd put it on the ceiling above their bed and make whole constellations out of their good behaviour," John continued, looking up at the roof of the yurt like he was actually picturing it there.
"See? That's perfect and amazing," she said, turning his head so she could steal a kiss. "Most dad's take their kids on a car ride to settle them to sleep, you'd be taking them up and down in the space elevator and showing them the stars. You would be the coolest dad ever, totally out of this world and I can honestly say you're the only person I'd ever consider having kids with."
"It's not like you have a lot of choices now, since you stupidly married me."
"Marrying you was never stupid, it's the single most unstupid thing I've ever done," she assured him nuzzling his shoulder as his arm tightened around her. They both lapsed into contemplative silence, John with the relief that came from getting something off his chest that had been weighing so heavily on him for so long, while Selene was busy trying to gather her scattered thoughts after his revelations.
All around their yurt the noises of the festival had slowly quietened. There were still little pockets of people that were still celebrating, but on the whole the shuffling of feet and the rumbling of conversation had lowered to the point of it barely being background noise, allowing the sounds of the forest around them to filter through.
"Did we just change our minds and decide something monumental?" John finally asked, breaking the quiet that had enveloped them.
"I think we might have decided to seriously think about it," Selene answered. "But not quite yet, I want a bit longer to selfishly enjoy having you all to myself, I love you and I want to enjoy more of us before it's an even bigger us where we have to think about another person, you know what I mean?
"I do, and I agree," John said, stealing a kiss himself, letting his forehead rest against hers. "I'm sorry to have dumped all this on you after we had such a good night, I don't even know where all that came from. I think it was just seeing you with Finn and seeing how good you were with him, and how natural you looked holding him, it made me think of things I didn't want to. Like how much the idea of you holding ours didn't scare me as much as it used to, but then the fear that you'd wasted your time by marrying someone as useless as me came rushing in, because I was convinced I'd never be a good enough husband or father."
Selene lifted her head to look at him, the man she loved more than anything in the world.
"Never apologise for something like this, baby. Never. I love you, I'm here for you and that will never change. You aren't useless, you are my world, my everything. We wouldn't be together if it wasn't meant to be. So baby or not, child or not, the important thing is that we do it together."
He nodded, knowing she was right.
"Having kids is not the point of a relationship for me, being together is," she continued. "And I don't want to taint what we have. I don't want this to become a thing where we're just going through the motions waiting to get pregnant or something. I want to enjoy all my time with you because you are what matters the most to me, not a child that doesn't exist yet and might never exist. I chose to be with you for you, not for the fruit of your loins."
"I love the way you say things," he laughed.
"I'm serious. I want you. If we decide we want a baby then we'll try for one. If we don't, we don't. But I want our marriage to be for us. A baby doesn't mean a relationship is a success, I've seen friends go down that road and it's not for me. He-who-doesn't-deserve-to-be-named always told me that I'd be a useless mother, that I'd bring them up to be weird like me. He said I'd be the reason that they were bullied for being different, that it would be me and my influence that led to their lives being difficult and upsetting. The worst thing was that for a long time I believed him, so much so that I never felt the loss of the possibility."
"But now it's different?" John asked softly, knowing that it was now his turn to listen to her and try to understand. As with everything in their relationship, it was about give and take in equal measure.
"I think so," she said, burying her face in his neck. "Much as I love my mum, she's never been the most accepting person in the world, she always thought that it was better to conform, to act the way the other kids or other people did so that you didn't stand out. Standing out was bad, it made you a target. I never wanted to believe her and tried to be myself in all things, I tried to ignore the nasty comments I got from the bullies at school. But, even though I told myself all that and I do believe it with all my heart, I still worried, much like you I suppose, that I'd end up like her if I had kids. You know what they say, women turn into their mothers."
"I really hope not, because I happen to love you just as you are. And you'd be a wonderful mother. I've always known it, you mother everything, even my fully adult brothers, what I saw today just cemented it for me."
"But I've never felt that maternal instinct," she admitted. "You know how young girls would make believe with baby dolls and push them around in their little prams and feed them with play bottles?"
He nodded, he'd not experienced it himself having only brothers but he'd seen it with friends sisters.
"I never wanted to be a mum, not like some girls did. I wanted a life and I guess that the way Nathaniel acted pushed me to make the choice not to have kids. I couldn't ever imagine bringing up a child with him because I knew, deep down inside, even if I wouldn't ever say it out loud even to myself, that if he was that abusive to me he would be the same with a child and I could never bring one into the world to experience that. I knew I'd never be able to protect them from him because I couldn't even protect myself."
John had never asked her why she said she didn't want kids, he'd always thought it was because she was such a free spirit that she didn't want to be tied down. Now, knowing the truth and hearing that she had had the same fears and reservations she did, albeit for different reasons, he was once again struck by just how perfect she was for him. He couldn't begin to describe how much better he felt after talking it through with her, allowing her positivity and love for him to make everything seem far less like a scary dream and more of a manageable possibility of the future.
"I'll always protect you," John promised, sliding his fingers down the length of her arm to capture her hand in his. "And if we ever do have kids I promise you that I will never let anything bad happen to them."
"I know you wouldn't," she assured him. "And that's why I changed my mind, you changed my mind. Not by nagging or pushing like he would have done, but simply by being you. I hadn't thought about it seriously, but now that we're talking about it I've realised that the thought doesn't scare me as much as it used to. That's why it feels different this time, because I'd be doing it with you."
"It still feels like a massive decision," he sighed, his fingers tightening around hers. "I don't think I want to tell anyone about this, there's still so much to think about, like when would we actually start trying if we do want them, when is the right time? When will we actually feel ready? What constitutes the right time? What if it doesn't happen?"
"Baby?"
He stopped talking to look at her.
"You're overthinking again," she said gently. "Which I don't think you need to do. Why does there have to be a right time? There isn't any way you can tell when that is. From what I've heard from my friends we might never feel ready, there might never be some magical moment when everything aligns perfectly and we just know. Most of them hadn't decided on kids, it just happened and they got used to the idea."
John looked slightly horrified at that, the possibility of not knowing something, of not planning something as life changing as bringing a child into the world, it just didn't compute for him.
"I've seen how not having a baby has destroyed some couples, that's another reason I said I didn't want kids, because I didn't want it to come between us. I like us, I like how we are, I don't want to be thinking every time we're together that maybe this will be the time that it happens and praying that it does. I don't want to be thinking about peak fertility times, I don't want it to become our only focus, our only chance at happiness. I'm happy as we are, I love us, I just want us as we are and anything else is a bonus."
"I don't want that either," he whispered into her hair. He could see her point, and he shared her fears. He didn't want anything to come between them, especially not something that was supposed to bring them closer.
"Then what about this," Selene said before she took a deep breath, working up the nerve to actually say it out loud. "I have about five months of protection left before I'm due to take my pill again, you know the drill, once a week for a month and then I've got a year of protection again after that."
"OK…" he probably knew her schedule better than she did, so why did she feel the need to remind him of it?
"So, maybe then we think about it and if we still feel like it's not a nightmare scenario, I just don't take it?"
"Not take it? Isn't that a bit soon?"
Selene shrugged. "What will be will be. Think about it, when have we ever planned anything other than our wedding? And that was only because we didn't plan the first one and had to do it again a second time."
John stayed quiet, his mind whirling at the thought of just what she was actually proposing.
"This way, it'll happen when it happens, no planning, no trying, just us, being ourselves, being together when we want to, not because we have to. That way, if it's meant to be, it'll be and it'll be created out of love and nothing else. So we let fate decide, yeah?"
"It's not steered us wrong so far," he admitted, warming to the idea.
"No, it hasn't. Our whole life together has been a series of things happening when they were supposed to, why should this be any different?"
"It shouldn't," he agreed. As with most things between them, the idea made perfect sense. Forget about it until it happened, exactly how they were with rescues, disasters and their everyday lives. They didn't dwell on what could happen or wait for the next rescue, they lived until it happened. It was the only way to be.
"We won't ever know what's around the next corner. We don't know how life is going to treat us or what shit it's going to throw up next. We don't know what's happening with Nathaniel or a million other things, and we never will. Because life doesn't work that way. We can't waste our time worrying about the things that might happen or we'd never do anything. I don't want the thought of him or anything else to stop us from living our lives and progressing in them. We don't know what's in our future, it might be kids, it might be twenty cats," she held up her hand to stop his protest at the cats comment, "but I do know that things will play out exactly how they are supposed to. So we just ride the wave as we always do and let it come."
"Have I told you lately just how much I love you and how grateful I am that you married me?" he asked in a serious tone.
"Nope, have I told you how much I love you?"
"No."
"Then we need to rectify that," she insisted. "I love you."
"I love you too," his lips met hers in a soft kiss, his arms tightening around her to pull her closer.
"Good. Now let me sleep, we've got a full day tomorrow before we have to head home so we're going to be knackered if we don't get some rest."
"Sleep is for the weak," he murmured, his lips finding the soft skin of her neck. "I worked very hard earlier to capture the heart of my goddess and now I deserve my reward."
"Yes you did. Is this your way of saying you're still thinking that silent seduction might be a good idea?" she asked.
"I definitely think it is," he said, cupping her chin and turning her head to capture her lips as his other hand reached up to turn off the camp light hanging above the bed. "Let's call it practice."