Completely random idea I had in the shower, just showing the Behind the Scenes of the shooting, to parody the show, highlight how certain things came to be, etc. etc. If I stay motivated, I'll do an episode by episode chapter. If not, I'll keep working on the half a dozen other stories I've already got going. Just wanted something really light to take my mind off the horrors. . .the horrors. . .
I heard someone else might die this season. That scares me. Just a rumor my friends, completely unfounded, but I will cry if it is so. Unless they kill off Steve. Or Scott. Whichever one is still alive. That would just be funny.
JJ: Okay, so I hear you've got this great idea for a show.
DAMEON: Oh yeah, it's frickin' sweat. See, there's this plane crash
JJ: Uh-uh, too 9-11.
DAMEON: Okay, it's an international plane.
JJ: Hmm. . .I am intrigued, continue.
DAMEON: So we've got this international plane and it crashes on an island.
JJ: Uh-uh, too Gilligan's Island.
DAMEON: But there's a monster on the island.
JJ: Now you're really pushing it, buddy.
DAMEON: But all the people are really, really good-looking.
JJ: Right. So it's a Gilligan's Island/Survivor/Stephen King sort of thing?
DAMEON: Right. But also. . .all of the really good-looking people have weird backstories.
JJ: Weird? How do you mean weird?
DAMEON: Well, let's see. Like. . .there'll be this hot chick.
JJ: I like hot chicks. Is she tough?
DAMEON: Very tough.
JJ: How tough?
DAMEON: You know your little Sidney girl?
JJ: I like Sidney. She gets good ratings.
DAMEON: She's got nothing. This girl's a fugitive, run from the law.
JJ: What's her crime?
DAMEON: Don't know, haven't figured it out yet.
JJ: All right, I like it, let's start casting.
DAMEON: Dude, how do we start casting, we don't even have a script?
JJ: When JJ says casting, it happens, okay?
DAMEON: Yeah, but. . .how are we going to get actors when we don't even have a plot?
JJ: Clearly you haven't been in this business long enough. Trust me.
A dressing room in downtown LAHarold: I'm in a play!
MAKE-UP ARTIST: Yes you are. Now hold still. . .
HAROLD: Hey. I'm a man in a play. I don't wear make-up.
ACTRESS: Hey, check this out.
HAROLD: Is it make-up?
ACTRESS: No. Holds up a newspaper. JJ Abrams is making a new show.
HAROLD: Huh. What's it about.
ACTRESS: Doesn't say. Casting starts tomorrow.
HAROLD: I'm going to be on TV!
A small apartment in LAJOSH: Honey, I'm home!
YESSICA: Don't pull the whole Ricky Ricardo thing. It doesn't suit you.
JOSH: Darling, it's finally happened! My big break!
YESSICA: Ei! You finally got a part?
JOSH: Better! I got my real estate license!
YESSICA: Oh.
JOSH: What do you mean, oh? This is great.
YESSICA: Yeah. . .
JOSH: What's wrong, snookums?
YESSICA: It's just. . .I thought I married an actor. If you're not an actor. . .
JOSH: Wait. . .are you breaking up with me?
YESSICA: Well. . .actors are sexy. Real estate brokers. . .
JOSH: Aw, hell, you're kidding me!
YESSICA: Well. . .
JOSH: I've been at this shit for years! It don't work! Nobody wants me!
YESSICA: That Gap commercial wanted you!
JOSH: Look. One more audition. But that's it, I'm done. And I get to sell my houses.
CanadaEVIE: I'm Canadian!
LondonDOM: But I don't want to be a pixie!
AGENT: Well, what about this. . .they want you to be a fairy!
DOM: I don't want to be a fairy!
AGENT: How about a dwarf? A munchkin? A leprechaun?
DOM: For crying out loud. Once a hobbit, always a hobbit.
AGENT: What do you want out of me? People think of you as a hobbit!
DOM: Well what about this new show? Lost?
AGENT: I wouldn't trust it.
DOM: Why not?
AGENT: Well. . .I hear there's a monster. Which means there might be pixies.
LA again, casting studioDAMEON: So, wait, let me get this right. We don't have a script.
JJ: Nope
DAMEON: We only have three sides for them to read.
JJ: Yup.
DAMEON: And we've only got six out of fourteen characters developed.
JJ: Got it.
DAMEON: So how the hell are we supposed to cast?
JJ: Ride with me on this one. Who's the first on the list?
DAMEON: Um. . .Kevin Costner? What the hell? Kevin Costner?
JJ: Oh, yeah, we're gonna make him the doctor, and he's going to die in the first act.
DAMEON: Doctor? We don't have a doctor.
JJ: We do now. Who's next?
DAMEON: Urm. . .Harold Perrinau.
JJ: Hey, isn't he in that play?
DAMEON: Send him in.
LADY: Yessir.
HAROLD: I'm in a play!
JJ: I like him. Cast him.
DAMEON: As what? The doctor you just invented? The sexy fugitive? The polished Buffalo conman? The pregnant Australian? The washed-up 40 year old rocker? The creepy kid? No, I've got it, let's cast him as the dog!
JJ: Don't we have another character?
DAMEON: Um. . .asshole in a red shirt?
JJ: Nah. We'll just make him the creepy kids dad.
HAROLD: Do I have a part?
JJ: Yup. We'll write it in.
HAROLD: I'm on TV!
JJ: Alright, Dameon, who's next up?
DAMEON: Matthew Fox.
JJ: Back to the Future?
DAMEON: Party of Five.
In the hallwayHAROLD: I got a part!
JOSH: Wow, that's crazy. They ain't even listened to most of us.
FOXY: He's in a play.
JOSH: Whoa, he's that guy? He's that guy!
FOXY: Yup.
JOSH: Wait a minute. . .you're famous, too!
FOXY: Not really famous, per se. . .
JOSH: I'm just like the water guy around here!
LADY: Mr. Fox, you're next up. And could you Points at Josh get us all some water?
DAMEON: So who are you ready for?
FOXY: Um. . .Looks at script Sawyer.
JJ: Great. Polished, Buffalo-bred conman.
FOXY: I think I'd make a better doctor.
JJ: Costner's our doctor.
FOXY: Wow, he's great!
JJ: Don't I know it.
DAMEON: Could you just read?
FOXY: Mom killed me dad, raised by my uncle. . .pass me the scalpel, dammit!
JJ: Wow, you do make a good doctor.
FOXY: Thanks.
DAMEON: Those weren't the lines.
JJ: Wait, try another doctor-y line.
FOXY: Kay, lemme think. . .um. . .I need more antihistemine, stat!
JJ: Wow, gives me shivers.
DAMEON: Can we focus here?
JJ: You're hired.
FOXY: All right!
DAMEON: Who's he going to play?
JJ: The doctor.
DAMEON: I thought Kevin Costner was the doctor!
JJ: Next!
JOSH: So, should I just start reading?
DAMEON: Shoot.
JOSH: Pa killed
JJ: Buffalo accent! Buffalo!
JOSH: Where the hell's Buffalo?
DAMEON: Just. . .keep reading.
JOSH: Ma killed my pa. . .dammit, pa killed my ma and. . .I. . .fuckin' hell! Kicks a chair.
JJ: Wow.
DAMEON: I'll say.
JJ: Amazing.
DAMEON: No kidding. He couldn't remember one line!
JJ: You're hired.
JOSH: Really?
JJ: Yeah, you're perfect!
DAMEON: What. . .what's he going to play!
JJ: Sawyer.
DAMEON: He can't play Sawyer! Sawyer's a smooth-talking urbanite!
JJ: Well, now he's a chair-kicking redneck. NEXT!
Day Two of AuditionsJORGE: Hey, I'm Jorge.
IAN: Ian.
JORGE: Weren't you in a movie?
IAN: I've been in my share.
JORGE: Aren't you always the creepy hot guy?
IAN: Aren't you always the fat guy?
JORGE: Yeah. . .
EVIE: Hi, boys! Is this the audition line!
IAN: She's sooo mine.
JORGE: As if I'd had a chance.
EVIE: Oh, how cute! American chairs!
IAN: Yeah. . .
LADY: Mr. Garcia. . .you're up.
JORGE: Wish me luck.
IAN: Yeah, bitch.
DAMEON: Here. You're going to read for Sawyer.
JORGE: The smooth-talking Buffalo conman?
JJ: No, the redneck.
JORGE: Huh?
DAMEON: Ignore him. Just read.
JORGE: Hey. . .you all better be nice to me. . .or else. . .yeah. . .or else.
JJ: cracking up. Oh my freakin' God that was hilarious!
DAMEON: Hilariously bad. Thank you for your time.
JORGE: Wait! I can be more mean! Lemme try again. . .yeah, I know what I'm doing. Yeah.
JJ: You're killing me, you're killing me!
JORGE: Dude. . .is that a good thing?
DAMEON: No.
JJ: You've got yourself a job!
JORGE: Sweet! Walks outside. Hey, Ian, I think I got it!
IAN: See you in Hawaii, bitch.
Day ThreeYUNJIN: Hello. I would like to read for the part of Kate Austen.
DAMEON: Yeah. . .just one problem. . .
JJ: Go ahead.
DAMEON: Kate's American, and you
YUNJIN: Reading from the script Hi.
DAMEON: have a distinctly
YUNJIN: I sewed the drapes in my house. . .
DAMEON: Korean accent.
JJ: Dams, my man, it's perfect!
DAMEON: What's perfect?
JJ: We'll have a Korean couple!
DAMEON: What?
JJ: It's an international flight, right? Why not have Koreans? Do you speak Korean?
YUNJIN: Yes. I am from Kor—
JJ: Perfect! You've got yourself a gig!
YUNJIN: Yippee.
JJ: Quick, we need to find a guy who speaks Korean. Looking out the window, sees Daniel Dae Kim shooting for Law and Order. Hey! Do you speak Korean!
DAN: Not well!
JJ: Perfect! We've found you a job!
Day FourDOM: So here's the deal. I don't want to be a hobbit.
JJ: We'd never make you a hobbit. Here, read these sides.
DOM: reading. Sawyer, a smooth-talking
JJ: Ignore that. He's a redneck.
DOM: Huh?
DAMEON: Ignore him. Just read.
DOM: Right, okay. Reading Hey, asshole. Aside Now really, is that kind of language necessary?
DAMEON: What do you think, JJ?
JJ: I don't really like him.
DAMEON: Yeah, but it would be nice to have a famous face.
JJ: We have a famous face. We have Kevin, remember?
DAMEON: You got rid of him for Foxy, remember?
JJ: Oh yeah. Well, he's kind of famous.
DAMEON: Emphasis on kind of.
JJ: And we've got Harold. He was in a play.
DAMEON: That's true.
JJ: And Yunjin is famous in another country.
DAMEON: You're not helping your cause.
DOM: If you need someone famous, I was in a movie. Three, actually.
JJ: Can you play guitar?
DOM: No, but this guy outside who was getting water said he's a guitarist. Think his name was Josh.
JJ: So you don't play guitar?
DOM: Not a lick.
DAMEON: You've got a job. As Dom skips out he turns to JJ. Lemme guess. He's going to be the rocker?