For the sake of me writing this, be aware that JJ and Damon (with maybe a little Carlton) are going to be the directors. I know that they're not there all the time (JJ probably rarely is at all) but it's too hard to change directors for everyone episode. So. Without further adieu. . .

FOXY: So it's going to just begin with me yelling as I lie on the ground.

DAMON: You're got it.

FOXY: Okay. Lies down on dirt.

JJ: I don't know. . .that's seems like a kind of obvious beginning.

DAMON: Well, do you have a better idea?

JJ: Sure! Let's have it start with the plane crashing.

DAMON: We don't exactly have a movie budget here.

JJ: We'll let a computer do the work for us.

DAMON: You know what. . .no. My idea is good. We'll start with screaming Jack.

JJ: Fine. Whatever. We'll ignore the fact that I'm famous, and you're more well-known for your stupid glasses than any brilliance.

DAMON: Action!

FOXY: Lies on the ground, asleep. Cameraman zooms in.

DAMON: Annoyed. I said Action!

FOXY: Gasps and wakes up. The cameraman claps his hands in glee.

DAMON: Well. . .that wasn't what I was looking for, but we'll go for it. Let's get down to the beach and shoot with the fuselage. Are all the red shirts ready?

JJ: Yeah, just one problem. . .

DAMON: What's that?

JJ: I thought they were just extras. I don't think any of them are wearing red shirts.

DAMON: And people think that you're the brilliant one. Okay, fine. Where are my leads? Charlie, where's Charlie!

DOM: Raises his hand, yawning sleepily.

DAMON: Good. I want you running dramatically through the wreckage.

As we all know, Dom only manages to wander around in a confused, half-awake state.

DAMON: Good. Let's get the shot where Claire is running away.

EMILE: Oh, God. . .I've got to get away. . .Suddenly she grabs her belly, as her prosthetic pregnancy begins to slip. Help! Somebody please help me! Somebody help!

FOXY: Continues doing his lines, not noticing that Emile is quickly becoming unpregnant. Okay, get him out of here. Get him away from the wreckage.

IAN: Standing around and bored. This is a pretty cool set. Notices Rose on the ground. They even have some pretty good dead bodies. I'd almost believe they're alive. Rose twitches. Oh my God! She's alive! Runs over and begins to give her CPR.

DAMON: Cut, cut, cut! Ian, what are you doing?

ROSE: Yeah, boy, whatchoo doin'?

IAN: Sorry. I thought. . .

JJ: Great shot! We're keeping it!

DAMON: What does that shot have to do with anything? I mean, his character is a CEO of a company. How does he know CPR?

IAN: Oh, I used to be a lifeguard.

JJ: See? It's brilliant! Action!

EVIE: wanders up. Hi guys, sorry I'm late Customs in America are tough, let me tell you.

JJ: Hey look! We have our star! Let's shoot her in a scene! Let's put her in an airplane!

EVIE: Um. . .I don't know. . .that airplane doesn't look like it's going anywhere any time soon. . .

On the Airplane stage

STUNTSMAN: Okay, so we don't actually have a way to make the stage move. . .

EVIE: Why would the stage have to move? Can I get a script here?

STUNTSMAN: So instead, I'm going to raise my hand, and whenever I raise it, you guys have to all lean to that side.

JOSH: Like bobsledding!

STUNTSMAN: Um. . .yes. And our camerman. . .

CAMERMAN: Hi!

STUNTSMAN: Will move the camera around a lot. And it will look like the plane is moving.

DOM: Hey, should we jiggle, too?

STUNTSMAN: Excuse me?

DOM: You know. . .starts moving like he's having a seizure. . .like that. . .to make it more like turbulence?

STUNTSMAN: Sure. You do that.

JOSH: Hey, why am I here? The camera's not going to see my seat from that angle.

JORGE: Yeah, dude, and this seat is major uncomfortable.

STUNSTMAN: Okay, you guys can leave.

JORGE: Sweet.

JOSH: Do we still get paid?

STUNTSMAN: Alright, let's try this out. Ready. . .go! Raises left hand. Everybody shifts to the left except for Maggie. Maggie! Come on!

MAGGIE: Hello. I get by on good looks. I don't have any talent.

STUNTSMAN: This isn't about talent, it's about knowing your right from your left. All right, people, let's get this shot!

In the jungle

DAMON: Okay, now we're going to shoot the Jack and Kate scene. The dialogue's kind of insipid, guys, but try to make lots of underlying tension. Remember, you two are going to be the love interest.

EVIE: Are you sure? That short blond guy looks more my type.

DAMON: He's a junkie.

EVIE: Really?

DAMON: Yes. And a rock star. Bad voice. Trust me, you want Doctor Jack. He's hot.

EVIE: I want him, or Kate wants him?

DAMON: Rolling!

FOXY: Excuse me. Did you ever use a needle?

EVIE: What?

FOXY: Did you ever patch a pair of jeans?

EVIE: I, um, I made the drapes in my apartment. Wait, hold on a second.

DAMON: shuffling through script. Not in the script, not in the script. . .

EVIE: No, I just have a question. I don't really know much about Kate, but didn't you say she's a fugitive?

JJ: A sexy fugitive.

EVIE: Then why does she have an apartment? With handmade drapes?

DAMON: Never mind. The audience doesn't know she's a fugitive yet, they'll buy anything said at this point. And. . .action!

FOXY: That's fantastic. Listen, do you have a second? I could use a little help here.

EVIE: Help with what? Foxy turns around. Oh, your make-up's running. I'll go get Cindy. . .

DAMON: Cut! JJ starts cracking up. Okay, Evangeleen

EVIE: Evangeline

DAMON: Right. Evangelyn

EVIE: Evangeline.

DAMON: Okay, Evie.

EVIE: Ooh, I like that!

DAMON: We really need to stick to the script here. You may not understand what some of the lines are there for, but believe me, our writers know what they're doing. . .

Writer's circle

WRITER1: Oh, that's cool, there will be a ton of weird numbers.

WRITER2: What should they be?

WRITER3: 42 is answer to life, the universe, and everything.

WRITER1: Sweet, that's one.

WRITER2: I really like the Yankees.

WRITER1: And their jersey numbers can be the rest.

WRITER3: Okay, so what do the numbers do?

WRITER2: Well, they'll constantly recur through the show.

WRITER3: Okay. And what do they do?

WRITER1: Um. . .we'll figure that out later.

Back to shooting

EVIE: Okay, I'm sorry. Let's keep going.

DAMON: And. . .action!

FOXY: Look, I'd do it myself, I'm a doctor, but I just can't reach it.

EVIE: You want me to sew that up?

FOXY: It's just like the drapes, same thing.

EVIE: No, with the drapes I used a sewing machine. This is ridiculous!

DAMON: Cut! What's ridiculous?

EVIE: I think there's a bigger difference between sewing human flesh and fabric than between using a machine or not.

DAMON begins to cry. JJ puts a consoling arm around him.

Later that day. . .

DAMON: Hey, JJ, we've got a problem.

JJ: What?

DAMON: A lot of the actors aren't really in this episode. They're getting bored.

They turn around to see JOSH, MALCOLM, HAROLD,TERRY and DOM playing poker.

JJ: So?

DAMON: They're ruining the ambience for those actually working.

JJ: Fine. I'll take care of it. Wanders over to the game. Starts talking to the actors. Sits down and plays with them.

Day Three of Shooting

REDSHIRT1: It didn't sound like an animal, not exactly.

ROSE: That sound it made, I kept thinking there was something really familiar about it.

REDSHIRT2: Really? Where are you from?

ROSE: The Bronx.

REDSHIRT1: Hey! I have another line! Doesn't that mean I'm not a redshirt anymore?

DAMON: Cut!

JJ: Hmm. . .you're right. Looks at the guys shirt. You can be a blue shirt.

REDSHIRT1: No, seriously. I think my character should have a name.

DAMON: Your character? You're just an extra!

REDSHIRT1: Hey, I've had more lines than that guy points at JOSH and he gets a name!

REDSHIRT2: If you can call Sawyer a name.

REDSHIRT1: I want a name, too!

DAMON: Fine. What do you want your name to be.

REDSHIRT1: Well, based on the somewhat naive, yet still endearing characteristics of my character. . .the way he wants to help but doesn't make the Ateam. . .I would say Steve.

REDSHIRT2: Hey! No fair! I wanted to be Steve!

STEVE: Well, you can be Scott.

REDSHIRT2: Okay. Scott works for me. Nice to meet you, Steve.

STEVE: And nice to meet you, Scott.

DAMON: And. . .action!

STEVE: Might be monkeys. It's monkeys.

SCOTT: Technically, you know, we don't even know if we're on. . .

EVIE: You ready?

FOXY: Kate, you showed me where the smoke was. I can get there myself.

EVIE: I'm coming.

FOXY: Well, you're going to need better shoes.

A very bored TERRY and JOSH are engaged in a fun game of stuffing food in their mouths. TERRY has an orange, while JOSH has miraculously managed a piece of cantalope.

JOSH: Mrph mherh.

TERRY: spits out orange. Maybe you should get a medic. Starts walking down beach, and reinserts orange. Notices cameraman and smiles for the camera.

DAMON: Cut!

JJ: Why? There was brilliant! Hilarious!

DAMON: John Locke is not a hilarious character.

JJ: It stays.

DAMON: Hmph. Fine.

TERRY: Somebody should go look at that guy over there. . .points to JOSH, who is staggering around, blue in the face.

Shoot to another jungle shot. While hiking to the next destination, DOM and EVIE engage in some light flirtation.

EVIE: Can I ask you something?

DOM: noticing how hot Evie is. Me? I'd be thrilled. I've been waiting.

EVIE: Have we ever met anywhere?

DOM: No, that would be unlikely. I look familiar though, right?

EVIE: Yeah. . .

DOM: Can't quite place it?

EVIE: No, I can't.

DOM: I think I know.

EVIE: You do?

DOM: Lord of the Rings. I'm a hobit.

JJ: Wait, that was brilliant!

DOM: Well, we worked really hard on it. Three years, you know.

JJ: No, that dialogue! We'll just tweak the end. Dom, can you sing?

DOM: Not very well. . .

JOSH: wandering by. I can sing. And I play guitar.

JJ: Great. Here. I need you to sing something.

DOM: Um. . .what?

JJ: I don't know. What are good words to a song?

DAMON: She loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah?

JJ: No. . .hm.. .hey, I know! This funny bit from TV. . .how did it go. . .You all everybody!

EVIE: That doesn't even make sense.

JJ: Sing it!

DOM: In a falsetto. You all everybody!

JJ: Perfect! Let's film it!

Dark and rainy scene. Lots of hoses. EVIE and DOM are splashing happily.

DAMON: I have no idea how we can film them running.

JJ: Let me handle it. I'm a professional.

DAMON: So am I. . .

JJ: Okay, you three are going to run in place. Just wave your arms around and things. And our cameramen will shake the camera. It'll look real.

EVIE: This sounds so familiar. . .

Later

EVIE: Where the hell's Jack?

CHARLIE: I don't know.

DAMON: I know! Rubs hands deliciously. He's dead.

EVIE: You see him?

DOM: Yeah, he pulled me up.

EVIE: Where is he?

DOM: I don't know.

EVIE: How can you not know?

DOM: We got separated. Look, I fell down. He came back for me. That things was. . .

EVIE: Did you see it?

DOM: No, no, it was right there. Blah blah blah

DOM: I hear you shout. I heard you shout Jack. I'm Charlie, by the way. EVIE picks something up. What is that? What is?

FOXY: It's the pilot.

DAMON: What? He's not dead?

JJ: Now, Damon, we agreed. . .

DAMON: No, you agreed! I still wanted him dead!

Silence.

FOXY: So. . .do I still have a job?