JJ: That was a great first ep, people, just dandy.

DAMON: Except for the whole not killing the pilot thing. . .

JJ: So let's see. . .how to start part two. . .how to start part two. . .

MAGGIE walks by in a bikini. JOSH and JORGE follow, drooling. JJ begins to drool.

DAMON: Hey, man. Man. Let's focus here, okay?

EVIE: My hair is wet.

JJ: Let's start with her, sunbathing on the beach, the fuselage still burning in the background. What a dramatic shot!

DAMON: Yeah, just one problem. The audience doesn't know who she is!

MAGGIE: I could take off the top part.

JJ: Sold!

DAMON: No! Absolutely not! I put my foot down. You got to kill the pilot instead of the doctor. I get to choose this shot.

JJ: Fine. What do you want?

DAMON: We'll go back to our main three characters.

DOM: Yes! More screentime!

DAMON hands a vaguely electronic looking thing to FOXY, along with a script.

FOXY: Why do I hold this?

DAMON: Because you're the hero.

FOXY: But isn't the doctor inept when it comes to electronics?

DAMON: No.

DOM: I'm great with electric things!

DAMON: Let's get start.

Shooting

EVIE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

DOM: I thought you could tell. I was getting sick. Puking. My one tangible contribution to the trek.

EVIE: No, I'm glad you came. Wait a second, is she just being nice, or is she honestly glad? Because if she's honestly glad, then I'm confused. I thought Kate liked the doctor?

DAMON: Keep rolling. We'll just edit that out.

DOM: Every trek needs a coward.

EVIE: You're not a coward, Charlie.

DOM: Wait. . .is he a coward? I thought he was a druggie. Is a coward his deep dark past?

DAMON: No, he's a druggie. Remember when we filmed that plane sequence?

BEHIND THE SCENES FLASHBACK!

FLIGHT ATTENDENT (henceforth known as CINDY: Can I get you some water?

CHARLIE: I'm fine, thank you. Please.

CINDY: Okay. . .

Walks to back of plane. So, Phil, who won last night, the Tigers or the Sox?

PHIL: Tigers. That keeps them number one in the division.

CINDY: Fantastic. Oh, by the way, I think the shrimpy Brit is a terrorist.

PHIL: I'll get him. Let's hurry.

FLASHFORWARD

CHARLIE: That's right. You're right, Damon, he's a druggie.

Scene II, on the beach

IAN: Hey, we're going through some clothes, sorting them. I see you found your bag. C'mon, you want to give us a hand? You look great in that swimsuit, by the way.

MAGGIE: Thanks. You're not too bad yourself.

IAN: Yeah, well, I work out a lot, you know.

MAGGIE: I'd like to see that sometime.

IAN: Me working out?

MAGGIE: No, dipshit, the results of working out.

IAN: Dinner tomorrow?

DAMON: CUT! Stop the flirting, start the acting.

MAGGIE: What's that?

DAMON: What's what?

MAGGIE: Acting. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do.

DAMON: Act like a bitch! And. . .action!

MAGGIE: Not really. You're wasting your time. They're coming.

EMILIE: They're coming for my Baby! The Others!

JJ: Um. .Emilie, wrong script.

EMILIE: Oops. Sorry.

DAMON: What do you mean, the other scripts? The show hasn't even been approved.

JJ: I"m JJ Abrams. It will be approved.

Still on the BEACH, closer to the water now.

YUNJIN: I can't do this script.

JJ: Why not?

YUNJIN: This woman. She's so submissive. Korean women aren't like that anymore. I don't want to misrepresent my culture.

JJ: Okay. . .how about if we let you unbutton one on that long-sleeved, extremely conservative shirt.

YUNJIN: I don't know. . .

JJ: In episode three we'll let you wear a tank top.

YUNJIN: Okay, I'm in!

HAROLD: Look, man, I'm really famous, and I don't have any screentime.

JJ: Okay, we'll make you a love interest for Kate.

HAROLD: Come on, man, she's already got Charlie and Jack. Do you really need more?

DAMON: Well, we were planning on Sayid. . .

HAROLD: No way.

JJ: Hey, Yunjin, do you want a love interest?

DAN: Isn't she married to me?

YUNJIN: Thought process. Hmm. . .Daniel Dae Kim hot. Harold Perrinau hot. Sun want both. Sounds like a plan!

We're still on the BEACH, because the set designers haven't looked through the jungle well enough to find scenes yet.

DAMON: Hey, Josh, you're up.

JOSH: Lounging on a piece of "rubble" eating an orange. Huh?

DAMON: You've got lines.

JOSH: Lines? Me? Really? My very first lines! Yippee!

NAVEEN: Redneck hick.

JOSH: What did you call me? I am so glad this script calls for me to pound your face in!

JOSH and NAVEEN pounce on each other.

JOSH: Fing Iraqi asshole!

NAVEEN: Fool! I have a British accent!

JOSH: That don't mean you ain't a terrorist!

NAVEEN: I"m Indian!

FOXY: Break it up. Pulls Sawyer off. On the side. Hey, I have a question. So, these guys are jumped up on adrenaline and really want to kill each other. Why am I able to just drag him off, and then in later episodes, three people can't stop me from jumping Locke?

JJ: Keep rolling.

NAVEEN: Tell everyone what you told me. Tell them that I crashed the plane. Go on, tell them.

JOSH: If the shoe fits, buddy!

More fighting.

NAVEEN: I am much hotter than you!

JOSH: Dimples, asshole!

NAVEEN: Tall, dark, and handsome!

JOSH: Tall? You're more of a hobbit than Dom!

JJ: Wow, Josh is really on today.

DAMON: Who would have guessed he was such a good actor?

EVIE: Stop!

JJ: Too soft.

EVIE: Stop!

DAMON: Too Canadian. Try again.

EVIE: STOP!

JOSH: Is that little wimpy girl supposed to make us quit?

DAMON: Yes.

NAVEEN: That's all right with me. She's pretty hot.

JOSH: Agreed. Check out her tits.

NAVEEN: I prefer her ass.

EVIE: Excuse me. I'm right here.

JOSH: Yes you are, Freckles. And we're just enjoying the view.

JJ: Ooh, freckles, that's good. Someone write it down.

FOXY: Give it a break.

JOSH: Whatever you say, doc. You're the hero.

FOXY: Told you so.

JOSH: Dammit. I thought I was the hero. All Han Solo.

JJ: You are Han Solo, but Jack's Jesus.

FOXY: And Jesus trumps Han Solo.

JORGE: Maybe in your world. . .

Even further down the BEACH. In fact, now we're in the WATER.

EVIE: Hm. Too bad all the guys on this show are married. Or dating.

YUNJIN: IN KOREAN: You're naked, and there are twenty horny men on this beach. Or did you not just notice Josh and Naveen?

EVIE: Hm. Good point. Oh, great, now I notice the cameraman.

Back on the NORMAL BEACH where people wear clothes.

DAMON: So your character is good with technology.

NAVEEN: Because he was a communications officer.

DAMON: Right.

NAVEEN: What exactly does a communications officer do/

DAMON: Torture people.

NAVEEN: Right. So. . .why am I good with technology?

DAMON: Tell you what. Just nod and smile, and we'll give you a hot girl.

NAVEEN: Evie?

EVIE: Is it working?

NAVEEN: Seems to be, but we're not getting a signal.

EVIE: Why are you trying to pick up a signal, aren't we supposed to be sending one?

NAVEEN: Yes, but what you want to see here is little bars. Bars mean we're getting reception.

EVIE: Oh. Like Cingular's five bars.

JJ: Cut, cut, cut!

DAMON: What, I thought it was a fine line.

JJ: Except that Kate obviously uses Verizon!

NAVEEN: Seeing if we can get a signal from higher ground.

EVIE: How high?

SET DESIGNER1: Hey, check out that huge mountain.

SET DESIGNER2: Let's splice another one right next to it.

SET DESIGNER: So that there are two mountains? COOL!

New scene. We're on the BEACH, but now in a TENT! With FOXY and. . .SHRAPNEL

EVIE: I'm going a hike.

FOXY: Without me?

EVIE: With Sayid.

FOXY: Great. Next thing I know you'll be getting caught in a net with another guy.

JJ: Take a note.

EVIE: Sayid fixed the transceiver, but we can't use it. Not from here.

FOXY: Kate, wait a minute.

EVIE: You said that we have to send out a signal.

FOXY: Look, you saw what that thing did to the pilot?

EVIE: What makes you think we're any safer here than in the jungle?

JJ: Are they safer on the beach?

DAMON: Do you know what the monster looks like?

JJ: No.

DAMON: Then they're safe on the beach, because that monster isn't coming into broad daylight.

CONFERENCE TIME! JJ and DAMON, chillin' with pina coladas

DAMON: Okay, so somehow we need to get a bunch of people up that mountain.

JJ: Who?

DAMON: Kate and Sayid, easy. Someone who speaks French

JJ: Who speaks French?

DAMON: Shannon.

JJ: Why Shannon?

DAMON: Why not. If Shannon goes, Boone goes. . .

JJ: Sounds like a good group.

DAMON: Yeah . . .but let's put Charlie there, too. He's a famous hobbit. And Sawyer.

JJ: Why Sawyer?

DAMON: The whole shooting the polar bear thing?

JJ: Oh yeah. How do we get them all there?

DAMON: Hmmm. . .

Talking to the actors

DAMON: So Boone tells you that you're useless.

MAGGIE: You think I'm useless, Ian?

IAN: No, I think you're hot.

DAMON: So Shannon decides to go on a hike to prove she's not useless.

MAGGIE: Where's the logic in that?

DAMON: Next conversation!

DOM: So why do I hike up the mountain again?

DAMON: Because Kate and Shannon are hot.

DOM: Makes sense to me.

JOSH: And why the hell would I go?

DAMON: Um. . .you're a complex guy.

JOSH: That don't explain nothing.

DAMON: Okay. We'll do a shot of you reading. . .this! Hands him a page of script.

JOSH: That don't explain nothing.

DAMON: Get emotional while reading it.

JOSH: Why?

DAMON: It will prove you have a kind soul.

JOSH: Why would I get emotional reading a page of script?

DAMON: Pretend it's a suicide note!

JOSH: Great. It might be. The suicide of my career.

Strolling away from the . . .gasp. . .BEACH!

DAMON: Damn. It's going to take a long time to climb that mountain.

JJ: Let's fake climb it.

DAMON: How?

JJ: We'll use. . this pile of dirt!

Actors begin climbing. JOSH pulls EVIE up beside him. MAGGIE can't climb the four foot pile of dirt. IAN gleefully touches her legs and looks up her shorts.

Back to the BEACH

Malcolm: Yeah, I know. We move a lot. She got sick. She died a few months ago.

TERRY: You're having a bad month.

MALCOLM: I guess.

TERRY: Backgammon. . .wait a second. Why am I telling this kid who just lost his mom and crashlanded on a deserted island how to play backgammon?

MALCOLM: Did they have dice and stuff?

TERRY: But their dice weren't made of plastic. They were made of bone. This guy is creepy.

DAMON: We all have our secrets.

TERRY: Was Locke secretly a child molester?

MALCOLM: Cool.

TERRY: Hey, Walt. Do you want to know a secret? I see dead people.

More BEACH SHOTS!

EMILIE: No, no, thank you.

JIN: IN KOREAN. Where is the bathroom? Thank you. I would like to order

EMILIE: That's okay. Thank you. Thanks.

DAN: IN KOREAN. Very pleased to meet you. What time is it?

EMILIE: Oh my God! My belly's slipping again! Dan, help me, my belly's slipping!

DAN: IN KOREAN. I need more practice.

In the JUNGLE.

JJ: Time for a polar bear.

DAMON: WHAT?

JJ: Remember the kid was reading a polar bear comic book. Let's put one in.

DAMON: Look, JJ, I know we were planning on a polar bear, that the one they sent looks stupid.

CAMERAMAN: I can be a polar bear.

JJ: Well, what if we did it by computer?

CAMERAMAN: Rar. Big scary polar bear.

DAMON: I don't know. That would be a lot of work.

CAMERMAN: Look! I have polar bear chaps!

JJ: What if we do the polar bear jumping with computer?

CAMERAMAN: I'm a polar bear!

JJ: Fine. Let's let that guy be a polar bear.

Shooting

EVIE: Come on, let's move!

MAGGIE: I shouldn't have come on this hike!

IAN: I'll protect you!

JOSH: Cool. I found this prop in the box down at the beach. Holds up a gun.

EVIE: Running, running, running. Wait, I have a line! Sawyer!

NAVEEN: Perfect opportunity to grab Evie around the waist! Score!

JOSH: Target practice. One. . .damn, missed. Two. . .three. . .shit. Four. . .five. Stop moving, you damn cameraman! Six. . . .seven. . .eight! Haha! Gotcha! NINE! DEAD!

Back on the BEACH

JJ: And then, Hurley. . .you faint.

JORGE: I can do that.

SHARPNEL GUY: Where does he faint?

JJ: on you. It will be hilarious!

SHRAPNEL GUY: Can I get a stunt double?

In the Jungle

NAVEEN: There's a button on the grip. Push that, it will eject the magazine. There's still a round in the chamber, hold the grip, pull the top part of the gun.

JOSH: I know your type.

EVIE: I'm not so sure.

JOSH: Yeah, I've been with girls like you.

EVIE: No girls exactly like me. I was in Showgirls.

JJ: Man, this chemistry is giving me the chills.

DAMON: Write in a love triangle?

JJ: What about Charlie?

DAMON: Nah, ther'es just no spark.

EVIE and Dom making out against a tree.

JJ: Agreed. I just don't see it.

At the top of the MOUNTAIN

NAVEEN: The iterations. It's a distress all, a please for help, a mayday. If the count is right it's been playing over and over for 16 years.

IAN: Someone else was stranded here?

EVIE: Maybe they came for them?

JOSH: If someone came, why is it still playing?

DOM: Score! I got the last line! Better make it count!

Guys. . .where are we?

CAMERAMAN: Hmm. . Evie's prettier.

DOM: What the bollocks? I had the last line!

EVIE: But I had the last minute of screen time, tee hee!