"So, how have things been since our last session?" Joel asked, opening a fresh document on his tablet and picking up his pen stylus ready to make notes.

"They've had their ups and downs."

"Do you want to tell me about any of them?"

"There's been some issues with the business, issues that are affecting other people and other areas of our lives."

"I see." Joel didn't ask if that related to International Rescue, he didn't need to, if Jeff wanted to elaborate he would. That was part of the client therapist bond, knowing your client and how their mind worked. "Was that something that you've felt equipped to deal with?"

"I guess so. There isn't that much anyone can do about it right now other than look into it and try to prevent the same things happening again."

"And are you satisfied with that?"

"No, would you be?"

"Probably not," Joel acknowledged, noticing the slightly snappish tone that his client had taken on. "But, as you say, if there is little that can be done at this moment in time, you must at least make your peace with it."

"I have, as best I can." He shifted in his seat, reaching for the glass of water on the table in front of him and taking a fortifying sip. He always felt like this at the beginning of a session, especially as the time between their meetings lengthened. It always felt like he was ripping the top of his skull open and letting someone poke around inside it. Alien, uncomfortable and far too exposing. He was just grateful that, after a year and a half of working together, the uncomfortable part was usually confined to the first ten minutes. He wasn't used to opening up like this and it always took him a little time to find his feet and start to talk without worrying about the words or the way he said them.

It wasn't that he didn't like Joel, he was a nice enough man, although he wasn't someone that he could see himself being friends with under normal circumstances. But these weren't normal circumstances, this was a situation that no one could even have foreseen. To get accidentally blasted into space would never be the norm for any family, but to come back from it, that was almost impossible. It was a good job that that was what they did at International Rescue, the impossible.

"Good, that's really good. Your need to control every aspect of your life is understandable, but I'm glad that you've made such positive steps towards learning to control it."

"I didn't have much of a choice," he sighed, putting the glass back down. "It was that or risk losing my sons for good when I'd just found them again."

"Jeff, we've discussed this…" Joel let his words trail off so the other man could finish them.

"I know, I need to do this for myself, not for them, but they will always be my main motivation, they always have been. It was the thought of them that kept me going all those years."

"I know, and I understand," Joel assured him. "But you know as well as I do that any real change has to come from a place of selfishness and determination. You have to want to change for yourself, for the betterment of yourself as well as others around you."

"I do," Jeff said firmly. "I knew that I had to change, and I wanted to change." And he still did. When Gordon had quietly suggested that he make an appointment with the family therapist, the same man who had helped him recover mentally from his hydrofoil crash, Jeff had been a little reluctant. Going to a therapist felt like admitting that you couldn't deal with your problems on your own, and that was something that Jeff had always prided himself on, but he also knew the value of it. He had agreed to therapy only once before, back when he had lost his wife and father in the same accident, it hadn't really helped then, he'd had to help himself, but for his sons he was willing to try anything. It was that or risk another moment where he pushed them away with his ill-advised actions.

"You've done very well so far. I have many clients that have been coming for far longer than you have and have barely made any progress. You've shown determination and drive that I very much admire. I see now where Gordon gets it from."

Jeff nodded, as ever feeling rather uncomfortable with that kind of praise. He was used to being commended, given awards and spoken highly of, but he'd found that all of that felt hollow. The only thing he cared about now was his life and his relationship with his family. He'd given so much of his younger years to his career, missed out on time with all of his sons as they had been growing up, missed out on time with the wife that he had lost too soon. That was the trouble, you think that the good times will last forever, that nothing can burst your happy little bubble so long as you continue to work and provide. But life often had different ideas.

He would admit it, he had often taken them for granted, knowing that any time he came home they would be there, ready and waiting to greet him with a smile. He'd always thought they would have time, that he would have time. Time to make it up to them. Just one more mission, one more board meeting, one more week away that could easily turn into a month. All made better by the thought that he was doing it for them, or so he told himself. He fooled himself into believing that he was doing it for them, for their future, and in a way he was. But, he realised now, no amount of money in the world could give you back the time and experiences you had missed out on. Money didn't make memories.

"You said there were ups as well as downs this time," Joel started, knowing that if he allowed him Jeff would sit in quiet contemplation, wallowing in his self imposed guilt the entire session. "Would you like to tell me about one of the ups? You know our deal, for each negative we find a positive."

Jeff shifted again, but this time he looked less uncomfortable and more eager to talk. "I went up with Alan."

"Up?"

"Into space."

"And how did that go? How did you feel?"

"I felt wonderful," Jeff answered. "I knew that Alan had talent, Scott had told me as much, but being told it and seeing it for yourself are two very different things. It was great to see him in his element, and space truly is that for him as much as it is for John or myself. Watching him fly was like watching an artist at work, he's a natural, it's effortless, like he doesn't even need to think about it."

"You sound proud."

"Of course I'm proud."

"Does he know that?" There was no accusation in Joel's tone so Jeff let the question slide. At first, when he had started visiting he had been wary of the idea of a therapist, but his boys trusted this man themselves, so he would too. That didn't mean that it had been easy, that trusting him meant that he could instantly open up and let him solve all his problems, nothing of the sort. Jeff knew that he had been difficult to work with in their first sessions. Angry, defensive, unable to really see the truth no matter how much he wanted to, and he did want to. He knew he had to. He knew that he couldn't continue as he had been, ignoring all that had happened to him, trying to push it to the back of his mind and focus on finding his purpose again. That was how he had ended up driving three of his five sons away from home, by being a stubborn ass and refusing to see things their way, thinking he knew better.

He hadn't meant for it to happen, he'd just felt so lost, like he didn't belong anywhere anymore and had fallen back into the one thing he'd known, being a commander. He'd spent eight years without human company, something that no mental health professional would ever recommend you try. Humans need company, it's a fact of life, they are social creatures and Jeff had been sorely lacking. They were just lucky he had come out of it with any sanity intact, because lesser men had cracked in a shorter amount of time.

His people skills couldn't have been more rusty, though he'd faked it well, giving them no real cause for concern until he'd started trying to take over. He'd known that he'd been going about it the wrong way, knew that he had no real right to even try after so many years away, but those years hadn't been his choice to make. If he had still been home then it would have been a completely different scenario altogether.

He'd just wanted to feel like himself again, something other than a husk of a man, one that didn't feel like he belonged anywhere, guiltily wishing in the dark solitude of night that they hadn't rescued him at all. It had felt like everything he had ever known had changed, like he was no longer that person. He'd been a dad, yet now his sons no longer needed him, having forged their one place in the world, whereas he had no place he fitted at all. He'd been the commander of the world's most unique rescue outfit, his brainchild, his baby, and he'd come home to find that it was no longer his. He'd done his best, tried to fit in, tried to fall back into the familiar, but in doing so he'd simply confirmed that his best wasn't good enough, he wasn't needed or wanted in that role.

It had taken his oldest friend to make him see that clearly, but even then it had been far from an instant fix. Physically, he had grown stronger every day, but mentally he had sunk lower. He just hadn't told anyone. It had been Virgil and Gordon that had finally been the one to broach the subject and suggest that he see their therapist. He's good, Virgil had promised, he was the one to get through to Gordon after his accident, the same accident that Jeff hadn't been there for, had only found out about when he had seen the scars that littered his boy's body as he got out of the pool early one morning.

Gordon had been so matter of fact about it. He'd told him the story as if he were recalling an episode from a TV show he'd watched the night before. Jeff didn't know if that was on purpose, as a way of sparing him from the details and the guilt at not being there, or because Gordon truly was at peace with it. He hoped it was the latter but couldn't help worrying that it was the former. No father wanted that, for his sons to worry about telling him anything, it was supposed to be the other way around, a father was supposed to worry about his children. And worry he did.

Gordon wasn't the only one with scars, all of them had more than he'd like, some big, some small, all of them accidental, gotten while saving the lives of others, and all ones he wished he could have prevented or taken for them. The last thing he wanted was to give them more scars, even if they were emotional. That was why he was there, that was why he was working so hard to get better.

"I'm sorry, what was the question again?"

"Does Alan know that you're proud of him?"

"Yes," Jeff answered confidently, but his promise of never lying in therapy, even to himself, won out. "At least I hope so," he amended. "I told him how proud I was of not only his achievements, and believe me there are plenty of them, but how he's grown into such a wonderful young man. He's done so much at such a young age, more than I could ever have hoped he would and I couldn't be prouder of him. But I worry that he doesn't quite believe me."

"And how do you propose to fix that?"

"By doing what I'm doing now, spending time with him, treating him like an adult and hoping that he understands."

"That's good, that's exactly what I would have suggested you do. Did you two manage to talk much on your trip?"

"We did, yes," Jeff answered.

"May I ask what you talked about? As always, if you'd rather not say that's absolutely fine, there's never any pressure in this room."

"Actually, I would like to tell you." Jeff wanted to know why he had felt the undeniable urge to tell Alan everything he had been through when he couldn't tell any of his other boys.

Joel inclined his head, encouraging him to continue in his own time.

"I told him everything."

"Everything?" Joel clarified.

"Well, not every single tiny detail, but enough."

"Like what?"

"How I felt when that craft took off with me onboard. How I felt seeing the earth gone in a matter of seconds, lost in a blast of engine fire and atmosphere. And how I planned my own end, should the time come." Jeff paused to look at Joel, who was watching him intently.

"And why do you think you told him this?"

"I don't know, Doc, you tell me." This was one thing he disliked about therapists, they were always asking questions, asking you why you thought you were doing things when, or so he believed, if you knew the reason, you wouldn't need therapy at all.

"It's not my place to tell you. You're here to talk, not me."

Jeff huffed out a frustrated breath.

"Did Alan ask you why you told him?"

"He did."

"And did you answer him?"

"I did."

"And what was your answer?"

"That I thought he, more than anyone, deserved to know."

"And why is that?"

"Because I missed out on so much of his life. I never got the chance to give him the wisdom and help that I hope I gave to his brothers."

"And?" Joel was not willing to be fobbed off with half a reason.

"Because he reminds me so much of me. I worry that he's so eager to get out there and explore the universe, to make a name for himself and go on adventures, that he won't ever slow down and simply enjoy his life. He's not even twenty-one, yet he's seen and done more things than the average adult will do in their lifetime. He barely got to enjoy his childhood, he went from being in elementary school with friends to our base where he was home schooled from the age of seven. It was hard for him to keep in contact with his friends. Mother and I did our best to take him to parties and the like, but I'll admit, we were extremely busy and those kinds of events often took a backseat." Jeff sighed, dropping his head into his hands, knowing that it was his doing that had caused so much grief to the family.

It had been his idea, his determination to do some good in the world, to save people, that had led to his accident. If he had just been a normal father, there when his sons needed him, focused on them instead of his own grief and lack of purpose, he would never have been on the damn ship in the first place. He would have been at home, on his family ranch, helping his mother run the farm and his children could have had a normal upbringing. Alan could have had the kind of childhood that Scott, Virgil and John had enjoyed, with a normal routine, friends and regular schooling. He himself had been homeschooled for a good portion of his childhood and hadn't felt like he missed out on anything. But that had been different, he had had both parents there, they had gone on adventures across the globe, he had met and played with children of all nationalities and made some lifelong friends that he really should get back in contact with. Gordon had been thirteen when they had moved to the island and, having been such a sociable kid, had kept up with friends via social media and kept up with his swimming training by staying in camps and training facilities whenever he needed to. He hadn't suffered the way that Alan had. Yet, despite all of the difficulties, Alan had turned into the most amazing young man, Jeff just wished he'd had more time to himself. Something that he was determined to help with now that he was home.

"I guess I just wanted him to understand that there is no shame in taking some time to do things that don't achieve anything. He's spent so much of his childhood doing things for other people that I worry he's not done enough for himself. I wanted him to know that, no matter what happened, he'd always have a place with us, a home, and that we'd always be there for him. I might have doubted it, but I didn't want him to."

"And what was his response?"

"He tried to argue it at first, but we were up there a long time and eventually he started opening up about all the things he had wanted to do but never had the time for or felt like he couldn't do because there were more important things to be doing."

"Such as?"

"Time out with his friends, time away from home alone, trips with his pals, a normal highschool experience. I told him that he deserved time to do all of that and more, time to be a normal teenager, to get out there and live his life a little. He's too young to give up on everything and focus only on work. As long as there is life in your body you should be striving to make the most of the time you have left on this earth, or above it in my case."

"And did he listen?"

"Somewhat, he agreed to take Selene up on her offer of a weekend in London so they can attend Comic Con, that's a start at least."

"Good," Joel paused, clicking his stylus nib in and out. Jeff waited, knowing that the therapist was weighing up the best way to say something to him.

"Just say it, Doc, don't pussy foot about, we've only got ten minutes left of this session."

"Fine. He listened," Joel paused again and Jeff nodded for him to get on with it, "yet you didn't."

"How did I not listen? He said he wanted to go to Comic Con, I encouraged him to go."

"No, I understand that," Joel said patiently, "my question was referring to you."

"Me?"

"Yes, did you listen to your own advice?"

Jeff sat placidly, a mildly bored expression on his face, clearly waiting for Joel to impart some psychobabble wisdom that he'd inevitably ignore.

"You've done so well recently, you've made tremendous progress, especially with opening up to your son. That's something we've been working towards, you feeling a part of the family properly, finding your place within the family dynamic where you aren't struggling to fill a role that doesn't suit you any more or trying to be something that you aren't. And I believe you understand all of that?" He looked at Jeff for confirmation, receiving a short sharp nod. "So, I'll ask again, when are you going to take your own advice, forgive yourself and start living your life to its fullest again?"

-x-

"All done?"

"Yeah."

"Was it a good session today?"

"It gave me a lot to think about."

"I'm not sure if that answers my question."

"It's the only answer I can give."

"Alright. Do you want to grab a bite to eat before we head back?"

Jeff thought about it for a moment or two, he was hungry and it would be a good place to start. He knew what Joel had meant, and he was right, he needed to start living his life again, he needed to open up his battered heart a little more and trust.

"Sure, that would be good."

"Fast food or shall we get a table?"

"I table, I think." Now that it was in his head he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. "We probably have things we need to discuss."