"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"
He shifted slightly, trying to find his balance with his backside barely perched awkwardly on the bed, giving her as much room as he could. With an annoyed huff Selene yanked her legs aside a little more and hooked the thumb of her unbroken arm down into his waistband, tugging lightly to make her orders clear. He moved backwards a little further on the bed, giving him enough room to sit sideways, turning to face her.
"Now will you tell me again?"
John nodded sadly, he'd say it as many times as she needed, although it was so hard for him to keep his eyes locked on her as he repeated his words again. He knew she had heard him perfectly well the first time, but he also wanted her to know that she had his complete support.
"The doctor told me that the accident likely caused damage that will either severely hinder or prohibit the natural conception of a baby."
Selene's face had tightened, but that was the only outward sign that she had even heard him, let alone taken the words in. This wasn't good. She had a habit of shutting down when she didn't want to hear something or deal with the emotions that came from that knowledge. He could understand that, he knew what it was like to want to pretend that something wasn't happening. Unfortunately, in this, there was no pretending or ignoring.
"Sel?" he said quietly, squeezing her hand. "Sel?" he repeated, giving her hand a firmer squeeze, determined to make her acknowledge him.
"Explain it," she demanded, "please." She said the last word a little softer, her voice shaking ever so slightly.
John paused, sucking in a steadying breath which he held for a few seconds, gathering his strength before he could answer her. He had expected her to either brush it off or break down completely, not want all the gory details. But, he guessed that he'd be the same if their roles were reversed, he'd want to know everything too. Knowledge was the key to understanding after all. But that didn't make it any easier for him to form those words and drop them like bombs into their perfectly happy life, shaking the foundations with every emotional explosion. Still, he owed it to her to hear it from him rather than some doctor she didn't know or trust.
"The impact to your abdomen, from a combination of your seatbelt, the corset of your costume, and the blunt force trauma, caused a lot of internal injuries."
"The doctor said that was how I cracked my pelvis and hurt my spleen and liver," Selene interrupted, clearly trying to work her way through the information in her own head, trying to make it line up with what she had already been told.
"That's right, it did."
A puzzled frown started to form, creasing the space between her brows but the action obviously hurt her, because she stopped abruptly, the skin smoothing out again before she spoke. "But the doctor said they managed to fix those, he said they usually healed really well and that they'll be as good as new in a few months' time."
"And they will but, unfortunately, that healing brings problems with it." John tried to keep his voice as steady and calm as he could, knowing that the second he lost his carefully held control, she would too. He couldn't do that, he couldn't let himself go like that. This wasn't about him, it was about her.
"In what way? How can healing be bad?" She still sounded confused and he couldn't blame her. It was an alien concept, healing should be a good thing, a positive thing, but in this the healing itself was causing the problem.
"To fix your injuries they had to do some pretty invasive surgery," he explained carefully, trying to make sure that he didn't slip into confusing medical speak which she wouldn't appreciate. This was his wife he was talking to, not dictating a report, he had to make sure he did it right. "And when any surgery is performed it leaves scar tissue." He paused, checking she was following along before continuing. "It's the body's way of trying to strengthen the part that was hurt, making sure it stays where it should and heals the best it can."
To the untrained eye she would appear to be fine, the slight tightening of her fingers around his the only indication that she was in any way bothered by the things he was saying. He wasn't fooled, he knew her well enough by now to know that sometimes the only way she could get through difficult situations was to lock away her emotions, pushing them aside to deal with later. She'd want to get through the whole thing, hearing everything there was to know and then take herself off somewhere private before she allowed herself to crumble. Well he wasn't going to allow that. They were in this together, it wasn't just her, and they would continue to face the future it brought the same way. He was as much a part of it as she was and he wasn't prepared to let her go through any of it alone.
She was nodding, seeming to follow everything he was saying, her face still a mask of calm, hiding whatever it was that she was actually feeling. When she realised that he had no intention of continuing without her say so she gestured for him to continue his explanation.
"Apparently the abdominal area is particularly sensitive, especially in a female. Scar tissue and adhesions form very easily around the reproductive organs." He barely paused this time, having pulled himself together from the night that he had told his father. Never had he been so grateful that his dad had been there to listen, to act as a soundboard for him, allowing him to talk, to organise his thoughts, and to deal with the emotions that came with it before he had to repeat it to her as he was now.
His fingers were wrapped around hers but his thumb was free, stroking back and forth across the back of her hand. He wasn't sure if he was trying to soothe her or himself, but the repetitive motion and the feel of her soft, warm skin was comforting, grounding him enough that he could keep talking.
"The doctor told me that she couldn't say for sure and wasn't giving an official diagnosis, especially this early on, but apparently it's something that she has seen a lot and thought she had better warn me. It's not something the hospital would tell us as standard in this kind of situation. They only concentrate on the injuries you sustain, not the problems that could result from them. Their job is to save your life, not worry about ones that aren't even created yet. I guess Dr Jennings was trying to spare us any future worries by giving us a heads up in advance."
"What did she actually say?"
He tried to analyse her tone, to get some kind of clue as to how she was feeling, but she had spoken in such a calm, measured manner that she gave nothing away.
He wanted to stop, he wanted to take back his words, hell he wanted to go back in time and stop her going to the stupid comic con so that it would never even happen. His wife shouldn't be hurt. He shouldn't have had to spend days in a chair beside the hospital bed that she lay in. They should be at home, living their happy lives. They should be lying together, in the quiet peace that only came from everyone else being asleep. It was in these moments, when the dark of the night wrapped around them in a cocoon of secrecy, that they allowed themselves to talk in whispers about how they imagined their baby would look, how it would feel to hold it in their arms, how much they would love it. They should be doing all of that right now, not discussing why it would never happen.
He loved her eyes as much as she apparently loved his, and now those beautiful blues were locked on to his, silently pleading with him to get it over with. He was powerless to deny her. She needed to know.
"She said that she had seen this happen in a number of cases and the results were usually very similar. She said it's common for the adhesions, sorry the scar tissue," he corrected himself when Selene looked a little blank, "to form around the reproductive tract. The structure of it is quite delicate and the scar tissue can form around the organs, almost strangling them."
Selene nodded, knowing all this not just from her old biology classes but as part of being a woman, especially one who had assisted at births. "Yeah, I can understand that. I've helped my friends to bring their kids into the world, you need to know how the plumbing works to do that."
"Of course you'd know," he smiled, having momentarily forgotten that part of her skill set. "So, when the scar tissue forms it often blocks the fallopian tubes, meaning the eggs have trouble getting down to where they should be for successful fertilisation, or sometimes it results in an ectopic."
Selene visibly winced, knowing how bad they could be. It was one of the things all pregnant women dreaded, apart from preeclampsia. She had seen a friend go through the pain of an ectopic, which has resulted in emergency surgery to remove the whole tube. But it was something that she had never even really thought about as ever happening to her.
Truth be told they hadn't really thought that far ahead because they'd never entertained the possibility that anything could be wrong. They had planned as far as the initial thoughts of yes we'd like to have a baby, and they had known that the way to do that was by having sex, that was about as far as they had thought or planned. They had said they didn't want their time together to be shadowed by peak fertility times, conception boosting positions, and eating the right foods. They didn't want to be thinking about it too much, they just wanted the happy surprise as and when it happened. That was the kicker, they had never thought that it wouldn't happen. The question had always been when, not if.
She shook the thoughts away, refusing to dwell on it at that moment. John was still talking and she needed to listen carefully, to take it all in so that she had all the information. That was the important thing, she needed to know it all.
"Dr Jennings said that she would happily take us on after you've recovered, once the swelling has gone down and the adhesions have had time to form. Then she could do an examination to tell us more. She said it's not a foregone conclusion, but in her professional opinion…" he trailed off, unwilling to finish, to actually form the words.
Once again Selene surprised him, tugging on his hand until he took the hint and looked at her properly. His gaze had shifted the longer he spoke, his eyes tracking all around the room, looking at anything but her.
"In her professional opinion…" she urged gently.
"She said that with the amount of damage you sustained adhesions will form, and they will make a natural conception highly unlikely, if not impossible, without medical intervention," he finished, his words quietening to almost a whisper.
The moment the words left his lips he wanted to drag them back. They hung suspended in the air above them like a cloud. Time seemed to have stopped, paused in the horrible moment. He wished she would say something, anything, rather than just sit there, but at the same time, he didn't want to hear it.
He waited a few moments more, telling himself that if she didn't say something soon he'd break the silence himself. And then, as if a switch had been flipped, she moved, a full body shudder like she was shaking off the news like a duck would water.
She sucked in a breath, holding it for a moment before letting it out with her next words. "Right," she hissed out, "OK… alright." She wasn't making sense, nor saying anything at all really, just nodding as she spoke, like she was trying to convince herself of something.
"Sel?"
"I'm OK, I'm alright," she promised, but there was a catch in her voice that hurt him to hear.
"No, you're not."
"Well, obviously I'm not physically OK, since I'm apparently all fucked up inside now." She forced out a laugh, one that was far too high and tight to be anywhere near genuine.
"You are not fucked up," John growled, his annoyance showing through. It wasn't that he was pissed off with her, just the situation. They shouldn't even be there, they should have been at home on the island, cuddled up on the couch in their apartment or sitting in the gravity ring of five, anywhere but here. She hadn't done anything wrong, she had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time and she was suffering for it more than they could ever have imagined.
She snorted, clearly not believing him. "It's fine, I guess this is just the way things are supposed to be. I shouldn't be surprised, not really, it's just our luck isn't it?" She forced out another of those humourless laughs. "Something always goes wrong."
"No, it doesn't."
"Bullshit," she snapped. "Everything we've ever done has messed up somehow, why would this be any different? We said we didn't want kids, we denied it for so long and now it won't be a problem." Her choice of words said she didn't care, but her tone did little to hide the truth.
"Really?" He didn't believe her at all. He knew her, sometimes better than she knew herself, and he knew that forced calm tone of her voice, that tone that told the world not to worry when in reality they should.
"Yeah, it's fine," she repeated.
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yep."
He reached out a hand, cupping her cheek gently, his thumb caressing the soft skin. "I don't believe you." He pulled back, allowing her to see the wetness on his thumb.
She bit her lip, her eyes swimming with the tears that hadn't yet managed to escape. He could feel her hand he still held trembling ever so slightly.
"Sweetheart, talk to me. What are you thinking? What's going on in that head of yours?"
"I'm…" she paused, not really knowing how to answer that. What was she thinking? It felt like a million thoughts were tumbling around in her head at once. "I feel like I should be relieved in some way, because it's probably for the best anyway. I mean, let's face it, we were stupid to even think about it, we don't have a life that could accommodate kids, this has probably done us a favour."
He didn't say anything, just kept a tight hold of her hand. He knew she needed to talk in order to gather her thoughts, she always did. He had to be left alone, to sit quietly and think it all through in a logical manner, but she was different. She worked things through by talking, just as she needed to do now. She needed to rant it out, to scream and yell if she felt the urge, to circle back and forth, to repeat herself over and over again until eventually it would all line up in her mind. Then, only then, would she actually be alright.
"I should feel relieved," she repeated.
"But you don't." He didn't frame it as a question, because it wasn't. It was a statement of fact.
"No." Another tear trickled down her cheek and once again he wiped it away.
"Neither do I."
"I want to know why this happened. What did we do to deserve this?"
"We didn't do anything."
"Have we not done enough? Have we not suffered enough between us? Surely it's time we catch a break?"
"You'd think so."
"No," she snapped, biting off the word almost before it made it out of her mouth. "Apparently not, because some fucker up there seems to think that our lives are just there for their entertainment, like messing with us and watching it all play out is just like Grandma watching her dramas."
"Sel, I don't think-"
"I was never scared by the idea of us having a baby, not the actual pregnancy and giving birth part at least. Because I knew that I'd be looked after, both by you and by Artemis. I've been loyal to her, I've worked in her name to help bring babies into the world for our coven, and I never worried, not for a second, because I knew, well, I thought I knew, that she'd be there for me too. Well where the fuck are they now? Where the fuck are my gods when I need them? I work for them, I worship them and they can't even let us have one tiny thing go right? Why couldn't we have that?"
Her voice, which had started gaining power the more she ranted, had dropped again, all the anger seeming to drain away, leaving her looking more wrung out than he'd ever seen. Now she was looking at him again with those eyes that begged him for answers he just didn't have.
"I…I don't know," he admitted, wishing beyond anything that he could say something, anything, to make this better for her.
"Maybe it's me," she whispered, so quietly he barely heard her. "That seems to be the common thread here. Maybe I did something horrendous in a past life and I'm still being punished for it. Maybe I shouldn't even have dared to think about it, I don't deserve it." The tears were flowing freely now, her cheeks damp and her eyes red.
One small tug on her hand was all it took for her to fall forward into his waiting arms. She almost felt fragile, her body battered and bruised as it was with casts and bandages holding her together while she healed. Yet he knew that the physical pain she must be dealing with would pale in comparison to the emotional one that she was currently experiencing. If he could take it all away he'd do it in a heartbeat.
"No, no no no. This is not your fault, you've done nothing wrong."
"Then…then w-why are we being punished like this?" she sobbed, her shoulders shaking with each shuddering word.
"We're not being punished," he promised her, holding her as tightly as he dared, rocking her gently, seeking to soothe her as best he could.
"I'm just…I'm so sorry. Her voice was muffled against his shoulder, her tears soaking through his shirt to his skin, but he heard her just fine and he didn't like it.
"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong."
"I'm sorry I couldn't give you the family you dreamed of."
"God, no, Sel, look at me, please." That was what she was focused on? Out of everything she was focused on him? He cupped her chin gently, trying to encourage her to lift her head. "Sweetheart, we already are a family."
She shook her head, refusing to look at him, knowing that if she did it would break her even more.
"No, listen to me. You know I'm right. From the very start we always said that just being together was enough, that we were enough. Didn't we?"
She nodded this time, a small one but a nod nonetheless. Encouraged, he continued.
"Are you saying that I'm not enough for you? Are you saying that we aren't enough?".
"No! Of course not."
He'd had no doubt of her answer, but it was still good to hear the vehemence with which she answered, it gave him the confidence to push on.
"Then anything else, any child we would have had would have been a bonus, and yes we would have loved them so much, but I already have the biggest bonus of my life. I have you."
Her arm slid around his waist as best it could in their awkward position, drawing him closer, not pushing him away as he had feared. He took that as a good sign, his hand roaming the length of her spine in a soft caress as he drove his last point home.
"I already have the most beautiful woman in the world as my wife, the woman I love more than anything else. I never dreamed I'd ever find someone like you, someone that loved me for me, not for the Tracy name or the Thunderbird job. The day I met you was the day my dreams came true and the day you married me was the happiest of my life. And if we never do more than that, that's enough for me. Are you listening to me?"
She nodded again, a little stronger that time.
"Then listen good and believe me when I say that I don't need anything else, you're my everything, you're all that I need. OK?"
"You know I feel the same, you're way more amazing than I ever thought I deserved, I just wish we had been given a chance."
"So do I, but you're forgetting something."
"I am?"
"You're forgetting that we're Tracys, we don't give up that easily. We have resources and we have time. Dr Jennings said that nothing was certain and that, even if we are looking at a worse case scenario, we would still have options. I've done some research-"
"Of course you have." He could hear the smile in her voice and felt himself relax a little.
"And there are always things we can try."
"Medical things?" She didn't seem to like the thought of that. She'd obviously had more than enough of being in hospital already and she'd only been awake two days. She was notorious for never seeking medical help if she could help it. She preferred to trust her body and let it do its own thing. She never took medication for illnesses, relying on herbal supplements and her body's own immune system.
"If we need to," he hedged "Dr Jennings said that she could do some tests, investigate further and find out the extent of the scar tissue and the resulting damage. Then we'll know more about what we're dealing with."
"You said that she said the scar tissue could make it difficult to conceive naturally, that's the issue?"
"Essentially, yes."
"Difficult, highly unlikely, but not impossible?"
"Nothing is ever impossible, we know that, we fight the odds every time we go out on a rescue."
Here she was, bemoaning her gods, accusing them of forsaking her when that might not even be the case. She knew how the saying went, nothing worth having in life came easily, but if it was meant to be it would happen.
Her arm tightened around his middle, hugging him closer, soaking in the calm support that always emanated from him. It did its job, giving her the energy and resolve she needed. She knew, no matter what happened, he'd be there to support her.
She sat up, pulling herself out of his arms, her spine straightening, the determined tilt of her chin more prominent than ever. This was his wife in fighting mode and he'd never been happier to see that stubborn look on her face as she savagely wiped away the last traces of her earlier tears.
"Then, unless I'm in medical danger, I don't want to know." That simple declaration calmed her, soothing some of the shock and sadness that had engulfed her from the moment she heard his words. She knew that making a decision now wouldn't wipe away the fact that she still felt like she was broken, that she was defective. But she also knew that things happened for a reason and, while there was no comfort in it, she refused to let it beat her.
"You don't want to know?" How could she not want to know, need to know?
"No," she said firmly. "When we agreed to start trying we promised ourselves that we wouldn't let the desire to have a child take over everything else. We said no planning, no scheduling, no charts, no measuring and above all, no stressing. Didn't we?"
Now it was his turn to nod.
"Hospital appointments, tests, treatments, all of that stuff, well that will be just as bad, if not worse. We promised each other that our relationship would still come first, and I don't want to lose that."
"We said that if it happened, then that was great but that if it didn't we still had each other," he agreed, seeing her point. Now that she had said it he knew that she was completely right. The thought of endless rounds of hospital tests, procedures and possibly false hope wasn't a pleasant one. Yes, the idea of them having a child was a lovely one, but he too had thought that it would happen in its own time, when it was supposed to. They loved each other, they were a very loving couple who very much enjoyed their private time together, he didn't want that loving and emotional connection to be reduced to something mechanical and routine.
"We said we had a fifty fifty chance, it would happen or it wouldn't. That's what we said."
"Yeah, we did."
"Then, if you think about it, that hasn't changed, the odds are no different, not really. Either one of us could have had something wrong without us even knowing anyway, and we said that if it didn't happen we wouldn't force it. Just because we have the knowledge now that something could be wrong still doesn't change the end result."
"No, it doesn't."
"And that's what I'd prefer to focus on. No scans, no percentages, no weighing up the odds. Just a simple yes or no. If it was meant to be, then it would happen. We let fate decide."
"Just like everything else with us," he said, a small smile tugging at his lips as he gazed at his amazing wife. People called his family brave, but they didn't know true bravery. Brave was a woman that could go through the emotional and mental abuse that she had done and come out the other side still willing to put her heart on the line again. Selene truly was the most beautiful and courageous person he'd ever met. Even battered and bruised, her nose still swollen, her wrist and ankle in a cast and a support around her pelvis, she was still fighting. She'd just been told that she might never be able to have children and, while she had wobbled at first, she was once again pulling herself together and trying to see the positive. Her optimism and belief in the good things in life might have been shaken, but she was determined to see the light again. He'd never been prouder or more in love with her than he was in that moment.
"I'd prefer to think that nothing has changed, but are you OK with that? I know this is about my body but it involves you too. And I'm not saying that I'm ruling it out completely, going the medical route I mean, but I'd like to put a pin in it and talk about it as and when the time comes. But not now, now I don't feel like I could handle any more."
"I'm more than OK with that," he promised, not a hint of hesitation in his voice. "We'll do what we always do, talk about it when it becomes something that needs to be discussed. Until then all I want you to do is concentrate on getting better, I need you back home with me where you belong."
"Being home sounds like heaven right now. " She sighed deeply, wincing as she attempted to shift over on the bed.
"What are you doing?" he snapped, leaping to his feet in case she needed help. "You'll hurt yourself."
"I'm already hurt," she pointed out with maddening calm. "And right now I need you more than I need to be comfortable." She patted the mattress beside her, glad that the bed in her new room was larger than that one she had occupied in recovery.
"No, that's not a good idea." The last thing he wanted was to hurt her in any way or to make things worse, no matter how much he wanted to take her up on her offer.
"Please? Just for a little bit." She fluttered her eyelashes at him, knowing he'd be powerless to refuse her.
"If the nurse kicks me out I'm blaming you." Slowly, being careful not to jolt her in any way, he climbed onto the bed, stretching out beside her.
It took a lot of wiggling and a few hissed curse words, but eventually they managed to find a comfortable position. He lay on his side beside her, trying to take up as little room as possible while she stayed on her back, a pillow under her knees to elevate and support her pelvis, the fingers of her uninjured right arm entwined with his. It was barely a cuddle, when he wanted nothing more than to wrap her in his arms and never let her go again, but it was something. She felt warm and solid beside him and, when she soon fell into a doze, her breathing was even and her heart beat steadily. That was all he needed, to know that she was safe.
He stretched his neck out, leaning forward to press a gentle kiss on her cheek..
"We'll get through this together," he whispered, not wanting to wake her. "I promise."
-x-
"Hey, darling, how you doing?"
"I'm good."
Jeff took his time settling himself in the much comfier visitors chair that her new room offered. He moved slowly, like he ached and she once again felt guilty over the fact that he had been spending so much time away from his home because of her. He might have been rescued from space over two years now, but he'd been up there a lot longer and that had taken a toll on his body, doing damage that no amount of time could completely heal. She could relate to that. As much as she had tried to assure John that she was fine, that she was at peace with the situation, she couldn't fully bring herself to believe it. She couldn't deny the little thought at the back of her head that nagged away. If the accident had indeed caused permanent damage, as looked to be the case, the fact remained that it had potentially wiped out all their hopes for their future, and it wasn't her fault. She hadn't caused the accident, something or someone else had, and that was something that neither of them would be getting over any time soon.
"How are you really?"
Jeff's question jolted her out of her depressing thoughts and she focused once again on her father in-law. He was gazing at her with a soft, compassionate look on his face that reminded her so much of her own father. The thought made something in her chest hurt. Gods, she missed him.
"John told you, didn't he?" It wasn't really a question, more of a statement, and she could tell by the sad look in his eyes that she had been right.
"Yeah, he did. I think he was a little overwhelmed and needed someone to talk to while you were still under."
"Good." She shifted a little further up the pillows, using the bed controls to raise the head a little more. "I'm not surprised, it would be hard for anyone, but I'm glad he had you there to help him."
"That's what family is for."
Selene paused for a moment, not wanting to voice the thoughts in her head but knowing she probably had to talk to someone. Jeff was the most sensible choice, even though her initial instinct was always to seek out Scott if John wasn't viable. No, Jeff was the man for this job, Scott would just make it worse.
"He's not going to let this go, is he? He's going to find out just who or what was responsible and how it was able to happen."
"Yeah," Jeff agreed with a sigh of resignation. "Yeah, I think he is."
Selene nodded, resolute and determined. "Then I guess it's up to us to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid."