22,400 Miles Above

by WillowDragonCat

Perfect is not when compatible people come together, it's when they are opposites but in that way they complete each other. Part Two of the ongoing Opposites Attract Series. I suggest reading that first. (Rated mature for occasional strong language and some scenes of danger, violence, sexual situations. All efforts will be made to add trigger warnings at the start of a chapter)

40. I'm Drowning pt 3

"Pink ball, corner pocket."

"No way."

"Yes way, watch me. I was the snooker champion back in WASP, no one could beat me." Gordon spun his snooker cue like a drummer twirling his drumstick, causing a few people to leap out of the way.

"Yeah, right."

"Watch and learn." He bent over the table, the cue resting on his steepled fingers. "Prepare to be awed."

He drew back the cue, his sight trained down the length of the stick as he lined up his strike.

"Gordon!"

The cue skidded across the felt, knocking two balls out of the way but missing the pink completely.

"Dammit!" He straightened, turning slowly to meet his doom. "Hey, Pen."

"What in the world are you doing down here?"

"Playing snooker?"

The others around the table backed up out of blast range.

"I can see that." Her arms crossed, her face a perfect vision of pissed off. "But my question is why are you down here, playing snooker with the staff members that are supposed to be upstairs doing their jobs?"

"We're actually on a break, ma'am," one of the waiters chipped in, clearly trying to help in some small way but failing miserably.

"Whether you are on a break or not is really none of my concern," she told him coolly. "What concerns me is that my partner is down here with you."

"It's alright, he's allowed to be down here, there's no rules against it," a bartender named Connor piped up. "We haven't done anything wrong."

"Are we in trouble?" a waitress named Clare whispered to her friend, Rachel.

"It's OK guys, let me handle this," Gordon assured them, brushing aside their worries. "You aren't in trouble, right, Penny?"

"It's not my event and therefore not my job to discipline the staff." The way she said staff, as if they were in some way inferior, made Gordon's hackles rise.

"Guys," he said, turning away from her to address his new friends. "I had better get going, thanks for the game." He handed his cue to Connor, who still looked concerned. "Don't worry, I promise you if anything happens to you because of me, I'll put you all in touch with our PR team, we put on a lot of events and could always use excellent staff like yourselves."

He heard Penelope huff as she left the staffroom without a word and hurried to catch up with her.

"What is your problem?" he demanded, catching hold of her hand to halt her mid-march.

She shook his hand off, rounding on him, the glare on her face enough to kill a lesser man. As it was he thought he felt his balls draw up protectively inside to get cosy with his intestines. He couldn't say he blamed them, but a Tracy never backed down from a dangerous situation and he wasn't about to start now.

"My problem?" she hissed in a low voice barely above a whisper daring him to argue while conscious of the open staff room door.

"Yes, your problem. You were rude back there, they hadn't done anything wrong."

"My problem, if you wish to call it that, is that you were down here consorting with the staff when you should be spending time with me and the other guests. They had a job to do and so did you."

"A job?" Had he heard that right?

"Yes, a job. You are my plus one and this is an important night. How do you think it was for me to have been looking for you and to find that you had vanished?"

"I'm not an accessory, Penny. I'm not here to hang off your arm and look pretty."

"I'm aware of that. Accessories stay where they are put." She began walking again, her heels clicking angrily on the wooden floor.

He badly wanted to snap at her, to tell her that she was being completely unreasonable. But they hadn't seen each other in weeks and now that he finally had the whole weekend off rotation to spend with her the last thing he wanted was for it to be like this. Communication was key, or so John always said. He and Selene had a rule they never apologised for feeling a certain way, but they did explain them, reacting only to how the other treated that information. He'd always thought that was a good way to deal with issues and tried to do the same.

He hurried after her, trying to catch up.

"Please will you stop? Look, I'm sorry, OK? I didn't mean to disappear like that, it just kinda happened." There, he'd made the first move by admitting fault and apologising.

She ground to a halt again, her hands going to her hips, a sure sign that she was annoyed. She didn't do it often, being of the mind that only common women put on such displays.

"Oh? Do tell how something like that could simply happen without your say so? Were you kidnapped?"

"No," he scoffed, turning it into a laugh when her glare turned even more murderous. "I was on my way back from the bathroom when I saw Rachel coming from the other direction. She was carrying this massive platter of snacks and-"

"They are hors d'oeuvres, not snacks."

"Right, so she had this platter and was struggling to get through the door, so I held it open for her, but it was still really heavy so I-"

"Please do not tell me you carried the tray for her?" Penelope's eyes were closed like she was praying for strength.

"Of course I did!"

"And then what happened?" she asked, her tone saying that she dreaded to think what his answer would be.

"Nothing! All I did was carry it in for her."

"All?"

"Yeah, I mean, a few people grabbed some snacks from the tray as I went past and one person did ask me to fetch him an antacid-"

"An antacid? And did you?"

"Well, I tried to, but I couldn't find anyone to help, which is how I ended up in the staff room in the first place."

"So, to be clear," she said, her eyes narrowing dangerously, "you carried a platter, ran off to fetch something for a guest, and ended up staying to play snooker?"

"Yeah, that's about the size of it," he admitted. "See, it's not bad when you hear the reason, is it?"

"Not too bad? No, what I'm hearing is that you got mistaken for a waiter at an invitation-only black-tie event."

"Oh, come on, Pen, you have to admit, it's even a little funny."

"No! I will not admit that because it's not the least amusing. In fact, it's downright embarrassing."

"Embarrassing? All I did was try to help someone."

One hand left her hip, her finger jabbing towards his face. "Yes, and that's the reason this happened."

"You expected me to ignore someone that needed assistance?"

"It wasn't real help, they didn't need you, there were people there to help them."

Gordon frowned, beyond confused. "Why wait when I was there? What if she had dropped the platter or something, wouldn't that have been more embarrassing for the host?"

"It doesn't matter, because it wouldn't have been our business. This is an event that we are guests at, there are certain things that are expected of us and what is not expected is for you to be spending time with the staff instead of the people you should be talking to."

"People I should be talking to? You say that as if the staff aren't worth talking to. When did you get so judgemental?"

"I'm not being judgemental, but this is a cut-throat world of social climbing and who you talk to and who you spend your time with matters. You need to be talking to the right people."

"And I take it that the staff are the wrong people?"

"In this instance, yes."

Gordon snorted in barely concealed disgust. "With that attitude, I'm surprised you even admitted that they are people at all."

"Of course they are people, I never said they weren't, but at events like this people need to stick to their contemporaries. This is not the time for you to be running off on your own and trying to help everyone. This is not a rescue, this is not about you and your hero complex trying to save people that do not require saving."

"Hero complex? Are you being serious right now?" She could have hit him across the face and done less damage, made it hurt less. Was that truly what she thought of him?

"Yes, and you should be taking this seriously. This is a wonderful opportunity for you, you should be upstairs talking to the head of the sustainable fishing committee, he could be the key to you finding a place in the field when you retire and you're messing around like it's nothing."

"I didn't come here to spend time with other people, I came here to be with you, but you were busy. All I did was try to help someone and you're giving me a hard time about it."

"I am not, I'm just trying to get you to see reason."

"Pen, I'm tired, OK? This is the first weekend I've had off in longer than I care to remember."

"I know that."

"And I wanted to spend it with you." He took a deep breath, remembering that he was trying hard not to start an argument, although she was making it difficult. He wanted to spend time with her, not everyone else, time just the two of them.

"Then stop running off and stay with me," she told him, her chin raised defiantly, her tone firm.

He reached out a hand, catching hold of hers and lacing their fingers, his thumb stroking the soft skin of her palm. "Why don't we get out of here?"

"Gordon, we can't."

"Sure we can, think about it. Imagine how nice it'll be to be alone together instead of here. We don't get enough time alone, just the two of us."

She was weakening, he could tell. Her shoulders had lost some of their tension, the frustration smoothing out from her face.

"Come on," he wheedled. "I'll make it worth your while."

"We can't," she argued, pulling herself together and her hand out of his like a switch had been flipped. "What would be worth your while would be to go back and introduce yourself to Lord Arden and tell him about those fishing nets you invested in."

"I don't want to. I want to leave."

"And I don't."

"But I do. I'm not comfortable here, these aren't my type of people, Pen, this isn't my idea of a good time." How could she possibly not see that he was miserable? She knew he hated these types of functions yet he went to them anyway, because she wanted him to and he wanted to make her happy. But wasn't happiness supposed to go both ways? Wasn't she supposed to care about what he wanted to do as much as he did with her?

"And I suppose the staff were?" she continued, seemingly determined to drive her point home no matter how much it might annoy him.

"As a matter of fact, yes. It was a lot more fun than this has been," he snapped back, fast losing hold of the fragile thread of his patience. He was trying so hard to explain how he felt, to get her to listen to him and see things from his point of view just once. Surely that wasn't too much to ask?

"This isn't supposed to be fun," she argued, her voice losing a little of its clipped tone as her temper frayed. "It's supposed to be boring and tedious, it's called being responsible. I can't just leave, I have a reputation to uphold. How would it look if I were to leave with someone that had been mistaken as staff?"

"God, it's all about your image with you, isn't it?" he sneered, unable to keep the contempt out of his voice. How could she be thinking about her social standing at a time like this? He was opening his heart to her, as he had done so many times before, and once again she was slamming it closed because his opinions and his feelings didn't suit her.

"Yes, because my image is my brand. I use it to help people, something you don't seem to understand. If I act as patron to a charity it receives almost double the yearly donations it would have without my involvement. I've spent my entire life cultivating this image, my name, and people look up to me. I have a duty to present myself in the best way possible."

"You have an answer for everything, don't you?" How could he be expected to stay calm, to explain his feelings and talk to her like a rational person when she was being so unreasonable? It was like she didn't even want to listen, like caring for his feelings was an inconvenience that she needed to put a stop to as soon as possible.

"When you're wrong, yes."

Gordon huffed, his mind made up. He'd tried, he really has, but there was only so much he could do. If he stayed and continued to argue one of them was liable to say something so hurtful there would be no taking it back once their tempers had cooled. He turned away, needing to put some distance between them before his mouth ran away with him.

"I'm not staying here." Walk away, he told himself firmly, keep walking and don't look back, don't give her the satisfaction. He took another two steps but stopped dead, her next words hitting bang on target.

"Gordon, you're acting like a spoiled brat throwing a tantrum," she said coolly, like a parent would speak to a child demanding ice-cream for breakfast.

"I'm acting spoiled?" He couldn't believe she had said that. "Me? You're the one that's cultivating your image at the expense of other people!"

"How dare you even say that, it's ridiculous! I don't know how you could even think that."

"I can think that because you're acting that way. You're acting like you're better than them, better than the staff in there and better than me."

The huff she let out reminded him of an impatient horse. "You know I didn't mean it like that, you're being ridiculous now."

"I'm being ridiculous? No, I'm pretty sure that's you."

"Fine, unreasonable."

Gordon didn't say a word, he couldn't. All he could do was stand and stare at her in utter disbelief. She was calling him unreasonable? He'd tried so hard to be considerate of her feelings. He'd worn the clothes she'd picked out, he'd eaten the dinner she'd ordered for him, and he'd stuck to the conversation topics she'd drilled into him on the ride there. He'd done everything he could to please her, to be the perfect date that she wanted, yet nothing was good enough for her.

Any time he wanted to talk things through there always seems to be a reason why they couldn't. It was either an inconvenient time, the wrong place, or the wrong subject. He was expected to listen to her yet she never gave him the same courtesy. How were they supposed to sort out any of their problems if she wasn't prepared to bend even a little?

His hands clenched where they hung by his side, his breathing deliberately deep and even, as he attempted to calm the pain that his thoughts had caused him. He could see it now, see how she constantly brushed aside all his attempts to communicate in a healthy and productive way.

"Do let's stop this and go back inside. We'll stay for an hour or so and then we can leave," she said, clearly attempting to soothe him in some way now she'd finally realised that she'd pushed him too far.

"I'm not going back in there, Penny and you can't make me." He knew he sounded childish the second he said it, but he stood firm, his arms crossed, jaw set determinedly. Loving someone, respecting someone, was all well and good, but it didn't mean you had to let them walk all over you. He respected her, she should do the same for him.

"I can't make you? What is this, a playground? I shouldn't have to make you do anything."

And there it was, the answer he'd needed, even if he hadn't wanted to hear it. After everything he'd said she was still laying the blame at his feet. Could she not see that it was her actions that were pushing his own?

"Yet that's exactly what you're doing, treating me like a child that needs to be told what to do, to sit down and be quiet until you're ready to leave," he told her, refusing to accept fault this time. "Seen but not heard."

"I wouldn't treat you like a child if you didn't insist upon acting like one."

"Excuse me?" He was the one acting like a child? She was the one that insisted that everything be done her way on her terms. And now that he was finally standing his ground and fighting back she was accusing him of being childish?

"You're acting like a child and it's time to grow up. If you didn't want to be here you shouldn't have come in the first place. Now stop being silly and come upstairs with me." She said this like it was a foregone conclusion, like she expected him to snap to attention and follow meekly behind. She even started walking again, leaving him to apparently trail after her like the good date that he was.

"I came because you didn't give me a choice!" he shouted after her, refusing to follow, uncaring as to who might overhead them. Let them be heard, let everyone hear what was going on, he no longer cared. "I thought we were supposed to be spending the weekend together and you sprung this on me the minute I landed. And now you're trying to force me to be somewhere I don't want to be, talking to people I don't know and I'm done with it. You can either come with me, or stay here but I'm not staying here a minute longer!"

She spun round like she'd been slapped, a look of fury on her face the likes of which he'd never seen before. All the times he'd seen her getting mad at bad guys and she'd kept her calm, almost professional expression. How ironic that he, someone she was supposed to love, had done what those she hates had failed in?

"And what are you going to do if you leave, hm? Parker isn't leaving until I do and I'm not going anywhere. You can't get back to the manor on your own so you might as well stay."

"Who said I was going back to the manor?" he answered calmly. The anger had drained away now, leaving him feeling strangely numb.

"Of course you are, where else would you go?"

"At the moment, anywhere that you aren't."

-x-

Pizza, pizza was good, pizza cured all the problems in the world. Well, that and a late night taxi cab.

Balancing the pizza box in one hand he pressed his palm to the door lock, praying that John hadn't changed the system since he had last been there. The pad gave a reassuring beep and lit up green, the door clicking open.

"Yes! Thank you. Finally, something has gone right." He pushed open the door, letting himself into the small apartment. As expected it was in darkness, seeing as how Selene and John were back on the island as usual. He knew they wouldn't mind him being there, he was family after all. Besides, if he wasn't allowed John wouldn't have put in a biometric scanner that recognised all Tracy DNA codes along with Selene's mother, brother and Kayo.

He didn't bother putting the lights on, it was a small apartment and he knew the way well enough. He dumped the pizza box on the coffee table and immediately started stripping off. There was no one there to see him and the last thing he wanted was to sit around in an uncomfortable suit that he hadn't wanted in the first place.

The shoes were kicked off first, the relief on his toes immediate. The tie went next, then the shirt was unbuttoned, yanked off and tossed aside. He didn't care where it landed, in fact, he'd be happy to never see any of it again. With each item of clothing he shed the more he felt like himself and less like an accessory to her fashion doll world. By the time he unsnapped his belt and yanked down his pants he was breathing normally again for what felt like the first time that night.

He tossed the pants behind him and spun in a slow circle wearing nothing but his underpants. Sure, he could have grabbed some of John's clothes from the wardrobe to wear, but at that moment he wanted to wear his clothes or nothing at all. Besides, it wasn't like there was anyone there to see him and even if there had been he wouldn't have cared, he wore less in the pool.

Dropping down onto the couch he reached for the pizza box with one hand and the TV controller with the other. This kind of evening called for junk food paired with junk TV and honestly, he couldn't think of anything better than a cheesy action movie to go with his cheesy pizza.

His quiet, chilled-out evening, was going swimmingly even if he did say so himself. The pizza was good -or at least better than anything Grandma had presented him with- the movie was one that he'd seen a number of times before but still made him laugh, and he had found a stash of John's fancy craft beers in the fridge. He could feel himself relaxing more with every minute, that was until his sister-in-law burst through the door, screaming like a banshee and waving a broom like she was about to launch him into outer space with one swing.

"What the hell?" he screamed, jerking upright, his feet dropping from where he'd had them propped up on the coffee table, his hands flying to his crotch in the worst defensive pose known to mankind.

"What are you doing here?" Selene yelped, the broom dropping to the floor as she clutched her chest like she was about to keel over any moment.

Gordon had a split second to decide how he handled this. If he said that he'd left the party, leaving Penny alone, there would be far too many questions from his inquisitive sister who seemed to think that their business was her business. But if he didn't say anything and reacted like he'd been caught doing something wrong, that might make things worse. And, since pretending to be a dream or a ghost was clearly not going to work, he only had one other viable option that he could see. As Selene herself would say, if in doubt, brazen it out.

He flopped back against the couch, propped his feet back up on the table and pushed the pizza box in her direction, food to soothe the savage beast.

"Sup?" he asked casually. "Pizza?"

He watched, waiting to see what she would do. It could go one of two ways, she'd yell at him or she'd be pacified by the food and let it go. He tried to stay casual but he was covertly holding his breath until she grabbed a slice and dropped down beside him.

He did a silent countdown in his head, starting from ten, he barely made it to six before the questions started, which was longer than he had expected.

"Why are you in my flat?" she asked around a mouthful. She chewed some more and swallowed quickly when she saw the look on his face. "Not that I mind you letting yourself in, you know you're always welcome. But I thought you were with Penny for the whole weekend."

Gordon shrugged as casually as he could, but he couldn't stop his eyes from moving to the discarded pile of clothes on the floor.

"Didn't feel like it once I got there, I left Penny to her networking and caught a cab back here as I wouldn't have been able to get into the manor."

The moment Selene scowled he knew that he wasn't going to get away with that explanation. She always knew when there was something wrong with any one of them and she wasn't fooled now. He couldn't blame her, leaving a party early really wasn't like him, he was one of the more sociable members of the family and usually took any opportunity to get off the island for the night. Knowing her as he did, he braced himself for more of her probing questions but she seemed to think better of it.

"How was the conference?" she asked instead, swiping his bottle of beer and taking a sip. "You must have been so excited to be asked to speak."

Again he shrugged, wishing she'd picked something else to ask, having inadvertently stumbled upon another sore spot. "It was OK, I'm pretty sure they only asked me out of courtesy for Penny and because it looked good to have someone from International Rescue on the schedule. It was pretty boring really."

"Why did you say yes then? It's not like you don't have a good excuse to get out of anything you don't fancy."

"Penny said it would be good for me to start making a name for myself, she's right, I'm not getting any younger-" Selene snorted at that, interrupting his explanation. But he doggedly continued, refusing to admit, even in his own head, that he was trying to convince himself just as much as he was her.

"She said that I should start thinking about my long-term plans. We can't be doing International Rescue full time forever and, while we do have enough money to never have to work if we didn't want to, you know we'd all get bored. Everyone else seems to have a backup already, John does his remote lectures and writes his books, and you know that he's always being called on to consult or collaborate with someone for something or another. Virgil has that fancy engineering degree of his, he's always tinkering around with Brains and the things they invent together could keep them busy for years to come. Alan is all fresh and new but he's already making a name for himself online with his team ups with Brandon, and Scott could walk into a job with the Air Force or the GDF without even pausing to ask, then there's me, no college education, no specialist subjects-"

"Bullshit," Selene cut in, her words snapped out, bristling with angry indignation on his behalf. "A college education isn't for everyone, just because you don't have a piece of paper doesn't mean you aren't smart or an expert in your field. Someone once told me that, because I didn't have that kind of higher education I wasn't as smart as them, that I wasn't capable of making decisions because I didn't have the same knowledge they did. But knowledge is subjective, babe."

Now it was his turn to snort, this time in agreement, her words ringing so true. He knew that people often judged him, quite harshly at times, seeing him as the dumb brother because he'd chosen a different path in life. He'd shunned the academic fields that his brothers had taken, knowing that, for him, there would be nothing worse than being chained to a desk for untold hours trying to stuff knowledge into his head that to him was abstract and boring. It wasn't that he was against acquiring new knowledge and skills, but he learned by doing.

"It's true," she insisted. "Look at John, as much as I adore that man, he's proof that all the book smarts in the world can't always compare to common sense or life experience. You can know all about astrophysics but if you don't know how to interact with people or how to survive in the world then you're fucked either way. You are amazing, you know science and biology and genetics or you wouldn't have made those beautiful fish or done so much for marine conservation and, no matter who you're dating, the Friends of the Ocean yearly conference would not have let you speak if you didn't know your shit."

"I know," he sighed, "but it doesn't always feel that way, you know?" And he did know, he knew that he was just as capable as any of them, and he knew that Penny was right, he could easily make a future for himself in the academic field of research and development if he so chose. But that was the thing, he would never willingly choose it. There was nothing in the world that could be worse for him. He was happy to consult now and then, to collaborate on projects and the like, but he was a hands-on guy, he was practical and, if the thought of being behind a desk for two or three years of college had been horrendous, how bad would twenty years of his life feel? That might be something she saw as a worthy occupation, but for him it was the stuff of nightmares.

"Oh, believe me I know," Selene answered, reaching for another slice of pizza. She was looking at him again, like she expected him to answer and continue the conversation. Did he even want to answer? He knew that if he said no and meant it she would accept that and switch to a safer topic but, if he was being honest with himself, after the night he'd had it felt nice to have someone care enough about his feelings to ask. When Selene gave you her attention, you knew it was because she genuinely wanted to know, and in that moment that knowledge was priceless to him.

"I guess it's just hard to be surrounded by such high-achieving brothers. I look at Penny and I think what is she doing with me? She would be much better suited to someone like Scott, or John, you know." There, he'd said it, he'd been honest and there was no taking it back. It felt good to speak the truth as he saw it, to really get to the heart of one of the things that had been bothering him for months. He wasn't good enough for her and he doubted he ever would be. Penny obviously realised this too, if her relentless attempts to 'smooth his rough edges' were any indication, but admitting it out loud had been harder than he had thought it would.

"I'm pretty sure that Cat and I would have something to say about that. Besides, look at me and John, it's not like anyone would put us two together. On paper we shouldn't work at all, we're far too different. Yet we do. You can't help who you fall in love with."

Wasn't that the truth? And didn't it, like all truths, hurt to accept. He was well aware that he was hopelessly in love with Penelope, far more than she probably was with him. He hadn't dared to bring up any talk of their relationship again after the incident at Selene and John's wedding but he had held onto the hope that she might have realised how he was feeling and had taken that into consideration. She still hadn't told him she loved him, not with actual words but, with all her talk of his future plans and her involvement in them, he had taken that to be her way of saying that she saw them as still being together ten years from now. Had he gotten that wrong?

Gordon's eyes slid sideways towards Selene. She was picking at the toppings on her slice of pizza but making no real move to actually eat it. Something was off about her. He mentally replayed her words and realised what it was. Her tone of voice lacked its usual warm, teasing quality that she was famous for. Something about the way she had said it spoke of past experiences that he was pretty sure had nothing to do with his brother.

He frowned, the thought of his brother making something else occur to him, a thought that he just had to voice.

"Sel, why are you here? You don't have any clients booked, I know because you said that was why Scott had to drop me off because you weren't heading back for at least a week."

Selene kept quiet, her eyes on her pizza slice, obviously reluctant to answer. Something was definitely wrong and he could kick himself for not having realised it before. Usually, she needed to be prised off his brother and dragged away kicking and screaming. More than three years together had done nothing to dampen the honeymoon phase of their relationship and, if John was home as he had been earlier, she should have been glued to his side.

"Did something happen?" he asked gently, getting the feeling that he wasn't the only one feeling vulnerable tonight.

"I just needed some space, some time alone," she finally admitted, still not looking at him as she fiddled with the crust of her pizza.

Shit, she wanted to be alone? She must have needed peace desperately if she'd crossed the world to get it and here he was, uninvited in her home, making a nuisance of himself. Wasn't that just the story of his life?

"Oh, do you need me to go? Sorry, I know I should have asked but I didn't know where else to go and I couldn't really face the questions back home."

"No, you're fine," she assured him, patting his bare knee. "I get it. I don't need space from you, just your idiot brothers."

"Which ones, I have a lot," he joked, forcing a grin that he really didn't feel but thought she needed. She was obviously having just as bad a night as he was and it felt good to focus on her, giving himself a much needed distraction.

"John and Scott."

He almost choked on the bite of pizza he'd just taken. His eyebrows rose in surprise, unable to fully comprehend her words. Scott he could understand, he could be full on at times, far too invested in other people's lives. Plus they had the whole best friend thing going on and, amusing as it was to watch when Scott was in one of his dickhead moods, Gordon knew that sometimes he could push things a little too far. But John? She never needed time away from him, in fact she was always complaining that she didn't get enough.

"I walked out on my husband," she whispered so quietly that he had to strain his ears to hear her, the slice of pizza now hanging limply from her fingers. "He was upset and so was I but I left him, I walked out."

He'd been right, something major must have gone down on Tracy Island in the few hours he'd been gone, and he wanted to know what.

"Tell me what happened," he said, keeping his voice gentle, but injecting just enough steely demand for her to know that he wasn't prepared to let this go.

She clearly didn't want to talk, her lips clamped between her teeth as if she were willing the words to stay inside by locking them away. But he, for all his whirlwind approach to life, could be patient when needed. Sure, he might not have been her first choice of person to talk to, but he was the only one there and he wasn't going to fall down on the job.

"John punched my ex-fiance in the face and broke his nose," she answered, knowing she had no other choice.

He did a double take. Had he heard that right?

"He…what? John? My brother John?" There was so much to unpack, first up being John and second being the fact that she had an ex-fiance that he'd never heard of.

"Yep, with the other dumbass tagging along for good measure apparently."

"OK, OK, give me a second to get my head around this, I need to process. My brother, the one that is usually so against violence of any kind, straight up punched your ex?"

Selene nodded.

"Come on, surely you aren't pissed off at him for that? He must have had a good reason for it!" This was John they were talking about, he rarely left Thunderbird Five and if he did, venturing much further than the kitchen to the lounge was about his limit. Was she saying that John and Scott had somehow, for as yet unknown reasons, hunted down her ex just so his brother could deck him? Man, the things he missed while having his own crisis, he felt like he was living in a soap opera.

"Well, Nathaniel isn't a good guy at the best of times..."

"Nathaniel? I don't know about him." Nathaniel, that was obviously the ex's name, but he'd never heard anyone mention him before, yet she was talking as if he were common knowledge.

"Penny didn't tell you?" she asked, her tone one of sceptical disbelief.

"One thing to remember about Penny is that she's very good at keeping secrets and knows how to keep things close to her chest. She only ever tells what she thinks you need to know." He knew that all too well. Penny was particularly adept at withholding information when it suited her. Maybe not in a malicious way, but certainly for her own good. That evening was a classic example, but it had happened more than he cared to admit. They would turn up at an event and she would just happen to see someone that he just had to talk to. He tried to understand, he knew that she spent so much of her life managing people and honestly, she was really good at it, he just didn't want to be one of the people she managed. He wanted to make his own decisions rather than going along with hers.

He shook his head, bringing himself back to the present. This wasn't about him, this was about his sister who needed him. Time to stop being selfish and step up. "So, spill, I'm all ears. You know that a problem shared is, well it may not be halved but at least you won't be suffering on your own."

Selene smiled softly. "It's a long story."

She was clearly giving him an out, letting him know that she wouldn't be offended if he wanted to back away from what was obviously an emotional minefield and go back to watching his movie.

"I've got time," he said, gesturing down to his almost naked self and the half-eaten pizza. "Not like I'm going anywhere." She needed him and he would be there for her no matter what.

"We're gonna need more beer," she sighed, sensibly giving in to the inevitable force that was a determined Tracy.

-x-

As Selene poured out her story to him he watched her carefully. Much like himself, she was such an expressive person. She talked with her hands, her face was an open book that displayed her every emotion to anyone that cared to look, and her voice gave away everything she was feeling and more.

He registered her body language and heard the changes in tone as she told him everything about her relationship with Nathaniel, so much so that he felt like experienced them along with her in some small way. He noticed the way she sounded both angry and resigned as she spoke about how he had treated her and how it had built and built until one day she had been pushed too far. Her breaking point had been the moment that he had escalated his physical assaults from pushing her around and throwing things, to slapping her across the face.

When she got to the point of telling him about her breakdown just an hour before their wedding and how John had talked her round, proving to her once again that he was nothing like Nathaniel, Gordon had felt an unexpected spurt of jealousy. Not that he wanted Selene, but he wanted what she shared with his brother. He knew, in his heart of hearts, that he could never be that vulnerable with Penelope. He wanted them to have the same open and honest relationship that his brother had with his wife, where they could tell each other anything and deal with it as a team.

Now he was understanding why she had taken things so hard. She had thought that John had been his usual cool, calm and logical self about the situation and that he had respected her decision to have cut herself off from Nathaniel in all ways, including never talking about what had transpired between them if she could help it. She hadn't expected him to go off on his own with revenge in mind. It would be alien to her to see a side of John that Gordon himself had only seen on a few occasions but still felt chilled to remember them.

"So, they only told me because my happy fists husband knew that there was no way I'd not find out," she finished. "And I just...I just couldn't stay there any longer."

Gordon was aware that he was staring at her, but he felt like he was seeing her clearly for the first time. He'd always admired the fact that she acted like she had been born with total confidence in herself and her ability to seemingly not care what others thought of her. He'd assumed that she would never stand for someone putting her down or making her feel bad, but now he realised that he couldn't have been further from the truth. Her act was truly that, a mask she wore to hide the pain and suffering she had gone through to become the person she was today.

His mind was spinning, just as he was sure John's would have, trying to recall if there had ever been a time that he had acted badly towards her. Not deliberately, he was sure, but now that he thought about it, there had been a few occasions where his brotherly teasing had caused her to react in a negative way rather than by teasing him back just as hard. He was ashamed to admit, even to himself, that he had put it down to her being a normal, hormonally dramatic female and that he'd simply picked the wrong time of the month to tease her. But now he realised that some things had probably hit a little too close to home for her, obviously reminding her of things that Nathaniel had said or done.

His gaze flicked from her face to her hair and he felt ashamed all over again. He'd gotten so used to the dark plum colour now that he'd forgotten that she had changed it due to the teasing he and Alan had indulged in. God, maybe Penelope was right, he really could be an immature ass when he wanted to be.

He could feel the self pity welling up inside him again but ruthlessly shoved it back down, forcing himself to focus on Selene. This conversation wasn't about him and he had no right to be feeling bad.

"How did you do it?" he asked, still in awe of what she had endured and not just survived but grown stronger from.

"Do what? Put up with your brother this long without killing him? It's a hard job, but someone has to do it."

She was deflecting his question with humour, something he was intimately familiar with. He'd seen it time and time again from her, any time someone praised her or asked her a question she was uncomfortable with she would brush it aside with a joke or counter with a question of her own. Now, knowing the reason that she did it, he hated it even more. He knew the value of sincere praise, and knew how good it felt to have people recognise your achievements. In their family overachieving wasn't so much a hobby as a lifestyle. His siblings seemed to be able to turn their hand to anything and succeed like they had invented it and he'd lost count of the times he'd compared himself to one of the older ones, and even Alan on occasion. Of course he knew that he had his specialities, things that his siblings had to defer to him with, and he'd had his fair share of achievements that he was particularly proud of but that knowledge didn't help when he was having a day where his insecurities were making themselves know in a loud and obnoxious fashion.

"No, how did you put up with all that and not only survive it but come out of it stronger?" he asked softly. It amazed him that she was sitting in front of him now because she had taken a chance on his brother. If he'd gone through something like that he'd never date again, risking his heart was not something he did lightly.

Selene shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with his question, but she plowed on regardless, once again showing herself to be incredibly brave.

"I never used to be strong, and I think I survived it purely because I was too ignorant to know any different-"

"You are not ignorant!" he yelped indignantly. She couldn't be serious. How could she even think such a thing?

"I appreciate the sentiment," she said, offering him a weak smile of gratitude. "But in this I was, he was far too clever for me. If he had started treating me badly from the moment we met then he'd have never gotten past the third date, let alone to sharing a house. He was subtle, calculated and deliberate in how he did it. He told me he loved me and I never believed that someone could be so cruel to someone they loved, so I made a lot of excuses for him."

Gordon nodded, having heard that before. It was a classic tactic for a serial abuser, gain a person's trust first, get them to the point that they believed in you and valued your opinions and then slowly but forcefully suggest changes, all done with an unhealthy dollop of guilt and emotional manipulation.

"No one should ever take advantage of the love someone gives them and they certainly shouldn't ever use the idea of love as a weapon," he said, all too aware of exactly what he was saying and just how close to his own situation it could have been.

"I know, but he did. He took his time," she continued. Her tone was very casual, almost detached, acting for all the world as if she were doing nothing more than telling him the plot of a movie she'd watched. She had mentally distanced herself from the situation, like she was talking about someone else entirely.

"At first it was just him giving me advice and help with problems and tasks. Because he was a bit older than me he acted like he knew better purely for being more experienced. He never told me what to do, he didn't push me, because he knew I'd rebel, instead he'd say things like 'have you tried doing it like this' or 'are you sure you want to do that', 'do you need my help with that' 'here, let me do it it'll be easier for you' things that made me question myself more than him."

Gordon wanted to reply, he wanted to shout that he knew exactly how she'd felt because he was there, he knew, and he understood. But he also knew that he couldn't, because his situation wasn't the same. Much as her actions bothered him, he was confident that Penny wasn't doing it in an effort to control him as Selene's ex had. She was genuinely trying to help, she just didn't seem to care enough about his feelings to listen when he said that he didn't like it. Besides, this was about Sel, not him and he knew that if he said anything Selene would instantly shift the focus away from herself and onto him.

So, he contented himself with simply nodding to show that he was still listening, but giving her time to continue talking, to say whatever it was that she needed to. His plan worked and eventually, after she'd sipped her beer and picked at the label for a moment or two, she continued her story.

"Slowly he got worse, he'd do things for me, ostensibly to help, but he never asked if I wanted him to, and then he started taking over other things and, if I questioned it he'd blow up at me, saying that I didn't appreciate him and that I was ungrateful. Over time he essentially conditioned me to think that I couldn't do things for myself and that I needed him. That's it really, that's it in a nutshell, he made me believe that I needed him and that if I left him I wouldn't be able to cope without him. That's what abusers do, they make you believe that you need them, that you couldn't survive without them, so the things you put up with seem like a small thing compared to not having them there."

"That's crazy," he said, a low whistle escaping before he could stop it. The more she talked the more a picture was forming in his mind's eye, and the more it formed the less he liked it. "I can't believe that someone would be that calculating and cruel." That wasn't strictly true. It wasn't that he couldn't believe it, because he knew she'd never make up something like this, but he just couldn't understand how someone could treat another person that way. It didn't compute.

"So you don't think that I'm an idiot for letting it happen?" she scoffed. "Don't worry, I wouldn't blame you if you did. I blamed myself for it for years. I should have known better, but I was young and thought I was in love and I honestly didn't believe that anyone could knowingly be like that. I kept telling myself that he didn't mean it, that he wasn't doing it on purpose."

He closed his eyes briefly, feeling so bad for her. Their Selene had the purest heart of anyone he knew and the knowledge that someone she had loved and trusted had taken advantage of it, had used her kindness against her, was just too terrible to contemplate. She saw the good in everyone and always made excuses for bad behaviour. Because she herself did everything with the purest of intentions she always assumed that everyone else in the world did the same.

"Of course I don't blame you, and no one should." Gordon sighed deeply, the pain he felt for her making him want to pull her into his arms and hug her until it went away. He wanted to make everything better but knew that he couldn't. He hated that she would even think that way, that she could ever believe that she was at fault because she never stopped him. "You were abused, Sel. You were abused and you were hurt and that is never the victim's fault. Never."

He held out his hand to her, not wanting to risk a hug just yet.

"I know," she whispered. She dropped her hand into his, squeezing it tight like he was her lifeline at that moment.

He knew that physical touch and support was a big thing for her, but he'd never truly realised the reasons behind it until now. He couldn't help but imagine how she would have felt, being told repeatedly that she wasn't good enough, craving a kind work and a gentle set of arms to hold her and getting nothing of the sort.

She'd lucked out with John, he knew that, and not just because he was his brother. John was always careful with people, he was mindful of his words and actions, thinking things through before speaking, and he always respected people's boundaries, since it was an important thing to him too. After the experiences she had been through it was even more obvious to him that they were destined to be together. They truly were healing each other. Which meant that he had to help sort out this problem his brother had caused ASAP.

"I know that now," Selene promised him, her voice stronger than it had been. "I see the signs now. That's why I'm so conscious of never, ever doing anything to anyone that could be in any way controlling. Nathaniel tried to turn me into the perfect little wife, subservient, 'normal', dressed how he wanted and acting how he wanted and I honestly think that if it hadn't been for my friends and my beliefs he would have succeeded. I wouldn't have had the strength to see the truth and feel like being alone would be better than what I had there."

"I dread to think what would have happened if you hadn't had that level of outside support."

"I learnt from it," she shrugged, brushing aside his concern as she so often did. "I vowed that I would never allow anyone to try to change me again and that I would never change for anyone else. I honestly thought I'd stay single forever, I was happy with myself at that point, I was happy to just have my friends and family and I didn't need anything else. Going through something like that makes you wary, you know? I had a reputation, a social facade of a flirty, huggy, cheeky, person, but I honestly never had any real interest in anyone until John. He just made me want to take a risk, to actually believe that there were good people out there, honestly, you all did, because you came out to rescue me that night with no questions asked, you didn't know me yet you still helped."

Her words hit him hard and in that moment he felt like he was seeing her for the first time as the truly incredible woman that she was. Oh, he'd always known she was amazing in her own way, but he was only now seeing the hardships that she had gone through to get there. It was hard to listen to, because the more she talked, the more it hit home. He'd always been comfortable in his own skin, but recently he'd been questioning it. He schooled himself before he went anywhere, trying to remember everything Penny had told him, trying to follow her lead and do what was required of him. Insecurities that he'd never had before had been creeping in and now he couldn't help but see the similarities in their situations. He had the same reputation, the laid-back joker of the family that never took anything seriously. Rarely did anyone care to scratch the surface to see who he really was, no one cared enough to dig deeper.

"And you insulted me, you called me small and demanded a new rescuer," he reminded her, trying to ease the tension for his own benefit as much as for hers.

"Never going to let me forget that, are you?" she said, giving him a small, watery smile but a smile nonetheless.

"Not on your life."

She nodded, apparently accepting this. She looked so sad, so unlike the Selene he knew and loved. Without thinking it through he dropped her hand and lifted his arm, wanting to hug her in the worst way. She hesitated for so long that he was sure she was going to refuse him, but then she shuffled closer, moving slowly but steadily until she was close enough for him to wrap his arm around her.

"Promise me one thing?" she asked quietly, her head resting on his shoulder.

"Sure." He was ready to promise her the world if it was his to give.

"Promise me that you won't ever compromise. Promise me that you'll never, ever allow the opinions of others to make you feel bad and like you aren't good enough. Because you're perfect just as you are, and anyone that can't see that isn't worthy of you or your time."

It was strange to hear her talking this way. She looked so vulnerable. He was used to her being the one that was strong for them, she always seemed to have limitless strength to lend them during hard times. It was alien to be on the other side, to be the one giving it back to her, especially as that job usually belonged to the two brothers she was currently avoiding.

"If you have to change yourself for anyone, friends, a loved one, then it's not real. I didn't know that at the time, I tried so hard but I was never good enough. It's true when they say that there is give and take in any relationship, but it should never be as one sided as mine was, and it should never be because the other party demands it."

She didn't know it, but she had just given voice to the thoughts in his head that he couldn't bring himself to say out loud.

None of his brothers had ever had a relationship that had been that serious. They had never brought a partner home to meet the family like John had done. Of course they had all been worried, out of all of them John was the one they had thought the least likely to step out of his comfort zone and take a chance on a relative stranger. But from the start Selene and John had had a natural bond that had only grown stronger the longer they were together. They had been instantly relaxed in each other's company, ever conscious of the other's thoughts, feelings and needs. They laughed together, they cried together and they were infinitely stronger together than they were apart. For some a relationship diluted the individual personalities, but John had grown in confidence, his self assured attitude with work now extending to parts of his life they had never expected. To Gordon they were the definition of couple goals, the gold ring that he himself had been reaching for.

They had the kind of healthy, functioning relationship that he dreamed of having with Penny. They were devoted to each other but not in a toxic way where one led and the other blindly followed, instead they walked side by side, hand in hand as equals. He hated to admit it but when he looked at his own relationship the imbalance was staring him in the face.

Despite the fact that Selene was currently sitting with him and not her husband, he knew that it would be a temporary thing. John might have made an error in judgement, but he was confident that they would work it out. They talked about everything, they listened and took each other's feelings into consideration. In short they cared enough about the other to put their own egos aside and to listen.

If he was being honest with himself he knew that his earlier issue with Penny would never be resolved. She never talked about things, she didn't compromise or back down. She simply stated her point and assumed that others would fall in line and follow or get left behind. She didn't try to understand any point of view that differed from her own. Feelings were to be ignored if they didn't suit the situation which his often didn't.

Gordon pulled Selene closer, giving her a little squeeze that was as much for his own benefit as it was for hers. As if sensing his mood she reached for his hand, linking their fingers where his arm lay draped across her shoulders.

"That's why I've never pushed John, why I never force him into anything that he truly doesn't want to do or really isn't comfortable with."

"But he's changed, he's different with you," Gordon pointed out, making sure that there wasn't a hint of accusation in his tone. "He's more relaxed, more approachable, less likely to cut himself off from us. He's more comfortable in himself than I've ever seen him."

"He's changed because he wanted to, not because I did. I loved him just as he was, I never saw him as a project. I've seen so many people that get with someone and immediately start listing all their problems," Selene continued, apparently determined to give him all the self care advice that she had never gotten.

"I adapted my life for John, for all of you really, and he's adapted for me, because we wanted to, not because we were pushed into it. I'd like to hope that he's changed because he knows that he's loved and that I accept him just how he is regardless. I'd never expect him to change who he really is inside."

He loved Selene as much as he loved any of his siblings, but his loyalty in this had to be with John. He might have just walked out on his girlfriend, but he was confident that it wouldn't bother her much beyond the mild inconvenience of explaining his sudden absence. She would get on with her life just as she always did, waiting for the time when he would make the first move to talk to her. Penny never ran after people, they ran after her.

John was different, Gordon knew how much abandonment could affect him. He'd seen how his brother had reacted when he had lost friends or loved ones. His immediate thought was always that he wasn't good enough or that he had done something wrong, something that had pushed them away. Selene walking away when she'd needed to was her right, the same right he had exercised earlier that evening, and, while he couldn't do anything about his own situation, he could try to help with hers. He needed to be sure that she had left for the right reasons, rather than because her mind was haunted by memories from her past.

He knew it must be incredibly hard for her to even be talking to him after the day she had had, so he made sure to keep his tone gentle while he told her the things that he wished someone would say to Penelope on his behalf.

"You and John are the strongest couple I know," he started. "And you have no idea how much we all appreciate how much you love and care for him-"

"Why do I sense a but coming?" Selene accused. "I know you, I know you flatter before you admit to having done something wrong, like breaking my favorite flip flops with your big, fat boy toes."

"So first I'm too small but now I have fat toes?"

"If the shoe doesn't fit," she deadpanned. She was obviously trying for a casual tone but he could feel the stiffness in the way she sat, the tension that had turned her muscles to stone. "You didn't deny the but…"

"But," Gordon continued, gathering his courage to actually say what was on his mind, "You just said you'd never try to change John-"

"And I haven't!"

"Yet you're here, alone, because he did something that you should have expected him to do. Something that was very much him, Scott too. You're expecting him to be someone he's not."

"What do you mean?" her tone dripping with warning that he was fully intending to ignore.

"John is a good man-"

"I know that!"

She shrugged off his arm and sat up. Her face a mixture of hurt and confusion as she scooted away, tucking herself into the corner of the couch. He'd never seen her look so small, so vulnerable as she drew her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them like she was hugging herself, refusing to crumble.

"John is a good man," he pushed on. It hurt him to see her that way, let alone to know that he was adding to her pain, but he was determined to say his piece, even if it meant hurting her more. He was aware that she was already riding her own emotional roller-coaster, but that didn't mean that he would let her ignore his brother's feelings the way Penelope always ignored his.

"A man that helps save countless lives every week," Gordon continued, once he was sure she was still listening. "He goes out of his way to help us help others and that was obviously what he was trying to do here. You should know that well enough by now."

"I do know that," she said quietly, so low he could barely hear it. "I know why he did it and I'm not really angry at them, I'm hurt, because this was my history, my story to share, not his. John decided to take that out of my hands and share with Scott, Kayo and Penelope so that he could do what he felt he had to, but if he'd of asked me I'd have told him that the reason I never went into details or told anyone the real story was because I'd moved on as best I could and Nathaniel has no place in my life now. John didn't give me an option and in doing so, took away my rights to choose, the same thing Nathaniel used to do."

"Sometimes, no matter how smart John appears to be or how much he's cha-" he caught himself and corrected knowing that using the word changed at that moment could be the straw that broke the camel's back, "-evolved by being with you, he's still his socially awkward self underneath. If you didn't tell him specifically that you didn't want him to tell anyone he would do what comes naturally to him, which is to gather all the information, liaise with his team and delegate until the job is done. He's used to making a decision on what to do for the best, that's his job."

"But I'm not," she argued and he was pleased to hear her sounding a little stronger. He didn't like hearing her sound so defeated, so to see her fighting back, just a little, to see her spark igniting, even a tiny bit, was reassuring.

"You're not what?" he had to ask, a little confused.

"I'm not part of his job."

"No, you're much more than that, you're his wife, but that's still quite new to him and when John is unsure he falls back on what he knows. His job is to look out for people, to look out for us, he's a master at anticipating problems before they happen. He wouldn't have thought to ask you about it because he doesn't do that when he's trying to solve a problem, when he's trying to help save someone."

"I didn't need saving, I saved myself," Selene hissed and Gordon had to hold back his smile as she morphed from fearfully suspicious to indignantly angry before his eyes. This was familiar territory, this was a Selene he could deal with.

"I dragged myself out of that situation, I let go of the past and I made myself a new future and now, now they have done just that, brought that arsehole back into my life without even considering how I'd feel about it!"

"I get that, I really do, but it was only a matter of time. You married into one of the most famous families in the world, you've been associated with us for a long time, Sel. If he's still as bad as he was back then he would have come at us no matter what, logically you know that."

She pressed her lips together, clearly not wanting to say out loud to him what she has already admitted to herself.

"John wasn't trying to save you, he was trying to save others. So, unless you actually did want to change him, and therefore everything you just was a pile of shit, you can't blame him for it."

"He's poison," she whispered with a shiver, as if the mere thought of her ex was enough to provoke a physical response. "And I never wanted John to have anything to do with him. I wanted my life with him, with all of you, to not be tainted by his hatred and nastiness."

Gordon forced out a casual shrug, reaching for his beer. "You can't always get what you want, Sel, you should know that better than anyone." He could have been talking to himself, because knew that better than he should, too. He'd wanted a career in WASP, he'd wanted to be taken seriously in his chosen field, and he'd wanted to fall in love with someone that understood him and respected him. So far, he'd achieved precisely zero.

He took a large swig from his bottle and on a whim, offered it to her. He thought she'd ignore it on principle, hell he would have if someone had been talking to him the way he just had to her, but once again she surprised him by reaching out and taking it.

"You know John, probably better than anyone does, you get him in a way that none of us have ever been able to, and because you know him you should have known how his mind would work. John likes to know where he stands, what's expected of him. If there were conditions to the information you gave him you should have made that clear. He's not as intuitive as you and you know he'd do anything to protect you. He did it out of love but also a sense of duty-" he held up his hand to cut her off before she could tell him that duty shouldn't have come into it. "Not duty to you, as you weren't the one he wanted to save."

"I know that," she admitted quietly. "I know all of that, you didn't even have to say it. I know he did the right thing in trying to help others, I just wanted him to talk to me about it. Nathaniel always kept me in the dark, he always took my choices away. I just wanted a heads up so I could have prepared myself for it."

"Did you explain all that to John?" He signalled to her to pass him the bottle and was pleased to see that in doing so she had uncurled herself from her defensive position and stayed that way. Maybe they were getting somewhere after all.

"Did you explain to Penny why you're pissed off?" she countered, spearing him with a look that warned him not to dare try bullshitting her. And there it was, the opportunity to talk if he wanted to.

He wanted to take her up on her offer, to pour his heart out to someone that not only genuinely cared but, more importantly, someone that would understand. He opened his mouth, wanting to purge his mind and heart of all the nasty memories and pain that he felt, but the words wouldn't come.

How could he drop all of his shit on her when she was already dealing with so much? She spent all her time caring for them, putting her own needs on the backburner in order to support them fully. He couldn't take advantage of her desire to help no matter how much he might need it.

Besides, how did you explain that the woman you had been in love with for years didn't feel the same way about you? Just as Selene didn't want pity, neither did he. No, now was not the time, he knew that, but he still found himself unable to meet her eyes as he shook his head.

"This isn't about me, it's about you."

"I did tell him," she said, clearly letting him off the hook for now. "Well, I tried to. I don't think he fully understood."

"Then you know that you'll have to help him understand." John was nothing like Penny, where she was reluctant to even listen, John wanted nothing more than to do so. He hated not knowing something, he always wanted to understand.

"I just… I needed some time to fully understand it myself, you know?"

Unable to stop himself, Gordon looked down at the pile of clothes he'd left on her floor. "Yeah, I know."

"I needed time to think without being near him. He was upset, I was upset and I didn't want to say anything that I would regret, I wouldn't have been able to focus on figuring things out if I was worrying about him. And that's exactly what I would have done if I'd stayed. I'd have been focused on him and on making him feel better and I'd have pushed aside my feelings to concentrate on him, they would have been stuffed down and ignored, just as they were with Nathaniel. I couldn't do that again, I refuse to go back to that. I needed time, I deserved time, dammit!"

She was up and moving so quickly that he actually jumped.

"John had weeks to get his head around this, he knew exactly what he was planning on doing, he knew what might happen, I didn't." She thumped her chest with her balled up fist for emphasis, making him wince in sympathy for how much that must have hurt, though she never reacted to it.

"This is all fresh to me. I need to figure out how I'm feeling and how I'm going to deal with a future that that scumbag might be in. I need time to process and get used to the idea and fuck it, I will be selfish if I have to! Because I love your idiot brother and I'll be fucked if this will continue to cause us problems. Dealing with it when I've had time to process and calm down is better than not dealing with it at all. And I won't apologise for that!"

Her eyes glittered angrily in the flickering light of the still streaming holoscreen, daring him to argue, daring him to disagree and tell her that she was wrong.

She wasn't wrong, in fact she was very right. Her actions might have hurt John temporarily, but he knew that she had done the right thing. She had done what she had because she loved him, because she wanted what was best for him, for all of them.

Why couldn't Penny be like that? Why couldn't she put him and his feelings first for once? He didn't think he was being unreasonable or that he was expecting too much. All he wanted was for her to respect his feelings and his wishes as much as he did hers. He went out of his way to do as she wanted, to act how she wanted him to act, to talk to the people she thought he should talk to rather than the ones he actually wanted to have a conversation with. He put in all the effort and she just took it like it was expected rather than appreciated. And, no matter how much he did, it never seemed good enough for her. He'd tried and tried to be the man she wanted him to be at the expense of being true to the man that he was.

"I get that," he said honestly. "I understand that more than you know, just, don't leave him for too long, don't make him suffer longer than he has to."

"I would never do that! Do you think I don't know that he's probably worrying and stressing himself out more at this very moment? That he's blaming himself too much? I know he is, but I can't be strong for him if I'm not strong enough in myself."

And that there was the difference between Selene's relationship with John and his with Penny. Selene knew how John would be feeling and it was breaking her heart. He had told Penny how he felt and she hadn't cared enough to do anything about it. Selene would never play with John's emotions the way Penny had with him. Selene would never listen to his feelings and then seem to use them against him to get her own way as Penny did with his.

"I know, but I just had to say it. He's my brother."

There was nothing else he needed to say, they both understood each other perfectly. The conversation was done.

"Need a lift home tomorrow?"

"Yeah." Bless her for understanding that he wouldn't be getting a ride home in FAB 1 as previously planned. He pointed to the pizza, needing the distraction. "Wanna help me eat the rest of that and finish the movie?"

"Yeah."

As they ate he found his eyes constantly straying from the movie that played to the woman beside him. They had spent far too many hours like this, either alone or with company, but he'd never felt so distant or awkward before.

It wasn't the things that she had told him about her past that made him look at her differently, but the thoughts that that knowledge was churning up inside his own head.

It had been hard to listen to her story, not only because it was horrible to hear, but because the things she had described were a little too close to his own experiences.

He'd seen the way she had been judged by the people in Penelope's social circles for her clothes, her voice, her way of speaking and her eccentric nature. He'd seen them treat her with barely disguised scorn until they realised who she was and then their attitudes had changed. He knew that all too well, he'd had the same. But, whereas John would pull her closer and show her off like the prize she was, Penelope had tried to make him conform, to fit in with their ideals rather than be proud of him as he was.

He could see the damage that kind of behaviour had done to Selene when it had come from Nathaniel, and now that he was examining his own feelings closer, he knew he felt the same way. It was one thing to have such an attitude from strangers, but quite another to have it from someone who was supposed to love you.

He knew exactly how his brother must have felt, because he was fighting to stay where he was and not hunt down the man who had tried to dim the shining beacon of love and happiness that was their Selene. He wanted to wipe away the sadness that was hanging over her like a storm cloud, to protect her from ever being hurt again. And if he was feeling that way John must be feeling so much worse.

Needing to do something, anything to ease the ache in his chest from both the knowledge of her pain and that of his own, he reached for her again, offering her another hug. This time there was no hesitation as she curled up to his side, her arm snaking around his stomach, her head on his shoulder.

He glanced again at the Verdain that had cost thousands of dollars, now laying abandoned and forgotten on the floor. Yes, he knew exactly what it was like to need space and the value of a chance to clear your head in a place where you could be free to be yourself. He just wished that his someone cared for him as much as Selene's did for her.

-x-

The waiting was always the worst part of someone you loved being injured, he should know, he'd been through it enough times. Every one of his brothers had been injured at some point and when it had been his turn they had all told him how horrible the waiting had been.

You waited for news, you waited to be able to see them, you waited for them to be able to come home, you waited for them to get better. Everything was a waiting game and it sucked. But, in all his hours spent in hospitals, either as a patient or a relative, he'd never seen his brother so out of control.

John was always the quiet, calm one. He rarely acted without first thinking things through and he hardly ever shouted or lost his temper. But hearing his demanding yell as he crashed through the doors of the ER and seeing the wild look in his eyes when Scott had led him into the waiting room where he sat, had been a shock.

It wasn't that Gordon hadn't known that John loved his wife, they were utterly devoted to each other and still sickeningly in love even after four years together, but he hadn't expected this loss of composure. Every time one of them had been injured John had been the one that was gathering information and keeping everyone calm as best he could. He was the logical one after all. But when it came to Selene all of his calm logic had flown out of the window.

John hadn't just lost his calm, he'd looked like he'd lost everything, like his world had fallen off its axis. He'd been directionless, like everything he held dear had been ripped away from him in a matter of seconds. It was almost as if the thought of never seeing her again had broken something inside him. It had been hard to watch, but also completely understandable.

It wasn't like they hadn't all mentally prepared themselves for a day when one of them might not make it home. They had dangerous jobs, as did Penny, and that kind of risk was the reality of it. But Selene's life didn't have those kinds of risks, she hardly ever went out on rescues, she should have been safe. Yet she hadn't been. Accidents could happen to anyone at any time, you never knew what could happen on any given day, that was why you had to live every day like it could be your last.

As he'd sat and watched his brother continuing to spiral, he'd been consumed by a selfish thought. He'd felt grateful that it wasn't Penelope. How would he have felt if it had been her in that car? How would he have felt if he'd received a call from Parker to tell him that she had been hurt or worse while on a spy mission? He'd tried to imagine it, to imagine a time when she wouldn't be in his life but the mere thought of it had been enough to make him break out into a cold sweat.

It had been over a year since John and Selene's wedding and his ill-fated attempt at discussing the possibility of their own marriage and since then their relationship had languished in the exact same stage. Penny didn't want to discuss things, he did. Penny didn't seem to want to commit, he did. Penny didn't think he was mature enough, he did. Penny didn't think he was serious about her when he knew that he was. She would have been happy to continue the same way for years but he wasn't.

When they received the news that Selene would be alright the relief and the change in John had been immediate. He looked like a destitute man that had just won the lottery. And in the days that had followed John had barely left her side, his instinctual need to be near his wife, to see with his own eyes that she was still whole and alive, had been at the forefront of his mind.

Gordon couldn't help but think back to when he had been injured, crushed in his own craft at the bottom of the ocean. Then it had been Penelope that had come to save him, who had pulled him out of the water and delivered him into the safe hands of his brothers, but then she had stepped back. And, while she had visited him in hospital, she had never stayed there, much as he had wanted her to. He had dismissed it at the time, believing that it was due to the fact that they hadn't been an official couple so she hadn't felt like it was her place to be there over his family. Now they had been together more than two years, but he still wasn't entirely sure that she would stay.

He wanted her to care about him the way that John did for Selene. He needed Penny to put his feelings first like he did for her. He wanted to be a priority for her, for their relationship to be as important, or even more so, than her work. He didn't think it was too much to ask.

He knew that Penny didn't like ultimatums, but he hoped that she would see it for what it was, him offering himself to her fully, his way of telling her that he loved her and wanted her to be a permanent part of his life and his future for as long as possible.

She thought him too immature? She thought he wasn't serious about them? Well he'd done everything she had asked of him and more to prove it. There was only one thing left, the ultimate act of bravery. This was it, make or break time. They would either go forward together or he would go alone. But either way he was doing it, he would ask her to be his wife.

He knew they had their problems, and he wasn't naive enough to think that getting engaged would be a magic solution. But it could be the start of rebuilding their relationship even stronger. They would be on an even footing, one where she saw him as an equal rather than someone she had to direct in every situation. It could be great for them if only she would take him, and their relationship, seriously.

So what if there was a little niggle of doubt still? That was normal, right? Every man worried that he would drop to one knee, declare his love, ask his question and get the wrong answer. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't utterly terrified, but that fear was what made the hard things worth doing.

He'd made his plans in secret, determined to do it properly, wanting to surprise her in the best possible way. He'd decided to wait until her birthday when she would be on the island with them for christmas. They would enjoy a quiet family dinner and then he would suggest a walk along the beach, just the two of them.

He'd spend days cleaning out one of the prettiest beach huts, the one with the best views out over the ocean. It was decorated with flowers in a vase on the table and he had all her favourites sitting beside it, chocolates from the little shop in Italy that she loved, a bottle of champagne, vintage 1993, the best year in her opinion and a playlist of songs was programmed into the stereo. All that it needed was her.

Except she wasn't coming and it was standing empty, waiting for a moment that now wouldn't happen.

-x-

"I'm so sorry," John murmured, shocked by the sheer number of emotional confessions that had tumbled from his brother. "I wish I'd known that all of this was happening. I had no idea you were feeling this way."

"Neither did I," Gordon said with a defeated sigh. "Not really, not until this moment. I thought I was just being oversensitive, that I was simply paranoid that she would leave me."

He fiddled with the empty water bottle that he still held even though he had drained it over the course of his story. "I knew she thought I was immature and that I needed to grow up, but being honest, you all think that about me. None of you treat me like someone that can make good decisions."

"I don't see you that way," John assured him, "I'd trust you with not just my life but that of my wife too."

"But that's different," Gordon argued. "You'd trust me with your life but not your pizza order or your password."

"I don't trust anyone with my password."

Gordon paused for a moment, then shrugged, unable to argue that one, John took security more seriously than even Kayo did.

"Fair. But that's not really the point I'm making here. You might trust me with your life and your wife, but I don't feel like Penny would trust me with her life. Look at that time in the Laughing King's Tomb, she didn't trust me at all. And other times, she argued everything I said or did. She saw me as an immature idiot that needed to grow up. And I've tried, I've tried to be the man she wanted me to be. I've tried to get more serious about things, about the future and about us, but nothing I did ever seemed to be good enough for her. I guess this was my last ditch attempt to prove to her that I was worthy of her and now I know the answer."

John stayed quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say for the best. He hated that his usually cheerful and self assured brother was feeling this way. He wanted to call Penelope himself and demand to know just what she was thinking. He wanted to yell at her for playing with his brother's emotions like this, for making him feel this way. But he knew it wasn't his place and no matter how much his big brother instincts were screaming differently, he couldn't fight this fight. Gordon had to do it on his own.

"It just felt like so much work, so much effort, ya know? She's so uptight all the time and I had to constantly be on my guard in case I did something wrong. I tried to get her to loosen up, but I seemed to be an endless disappointment to her. I feel like she kept pushing things and polishing me in an attempt to smooth out my rough edges but now I'm just a chore."

Gordon paused, turning to look at his brother, the brother that already had everything he wanted without having to deal with any of the shit that he himself had. He wanted what John had, he wanted someone that loved him exactly as he was, without compromise, without conditions, without making it seem like he was such hard work.

"Loving someone shouldn't be a chore," he finished, his tone sad but resigned.

"No," John agreed quietly, "it shouldn't. Love should be enough, but often it isn't. The key is knowing when that love is worth fighting for. So, my next question is, do you love her or do you love the idea of her?"

"I love her," Gordon answered immediately, but then he hesitated, obviously wanting to say more. John waited, giving him the time to think, to form the words he needed.

"And I thought she loved me too."

Much as John hated to be that person, the one that listened to someone and then made it all about them in their answer, but in this he felt like it was needed.

"I've been there, you know," he said quietly, "with people who said they liked or even loved me, yet it turned out they only liked the idea of me as they saw me in their own mind. They only liked certain parts of me, the rest they wanted to change. They liked the idea of me, but not the reality. It takes a special person to love you as a whole, to see you as someone that isn't a project to work on until you're perfect because you're already perfect to them."

Gordon nodded, understanding his brother perfectly. He'd seen the way other people had tried to push John into things he didn't want to do, tried to force him into social situations for his own good. Even Penny had done that, deciding that he needed time away from his comfort zone of Thunderbird Five and then lying about how small the charity auction would be because she knew that, had he known, he would have refused to go. Once again it was a perfect example of Penny managing someone to get her own way, doing things that she thought was right without stopping to consider the effect it would have on the other person.

"I think… I think she only loves the idea of who I could be, not who I am," Gordon admitted, although it hurt so much to do so. No one wanted to acknowledge the fact that they weren't good enough as they were and to become worthy of love they were expected to change who they were as a person.

Gordon barely registered the fact that John had moved from his lounger to Gordon's until he felt his arm wrap around his shoulders.

"You," John said quietly," more than anyone, deserve to be loved just as you are, as a whole, perfect person. Just as you love with your whole heart, so you deserve the same."

"From time to time, ever since I bought that ring, I would catch sight of the box in my drawer and try to imagine what my future wife would be like. For the longest time all I pictured was her, I wanted it to be her so badly."

"I know you did," John said, his hand tightening on Gordon's shoulder, "and it still might be. But the thing to remember is that, even if it's not, it's not your fault. It is not a reflection on you."

"I just…" Gordon paused, his voice dropping lower as he allowed his body to sag against John's, accepting both the physical and emotional support. "I really love her. But I don't think that one person can love enough for two."

"I know, and I'm sorry."

"I know." Gordon sighed deeply, but the inner core of steel that all Tracys had forced him to continue. "I'll be alright. You know me, I always bounce back, but it might take me a little longer than normal this time."

John hugged his brother tighter, amazed once again by the resilience he was showing.

"You know I'll be here for you in any way I can, we all will."

"I know, thanks." Gordon let his head drop down onto John's shoulder, feeling tired and completely rung out.

"Don't give up on love," John said, his tone serious. "Promise me that. Because you don't deserve that. Maybe tomorrow, when it's less raw, you can fish out that box and keep it safe, because one day you might need it, even though it doesn't feel that way right now."

"I'll think about it," Gordon said. Now that he'd told his story some of the weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. Sure, it still hurt, and no doubt in the cold light of day he'd regret his decision, but for now he felt a strange sense of peace. It had actually helped to have John there to listen, it had encouraged him to open up and talk, which had helped him put his thoughts into some kind of order.

A sudden burst of laughter floated down from the lounge doors that led to the open balcony, bringing his attention back to the present. They would be wondering where he was.

"I guess we should get back inside," he said dully, but made no attempt to move. There was nothing he wanted less at that moment than to go back into the lounge, into the mass of family, and deal with the questions that would no doubt come his way.

John glanced up at the open doors then down at Gordon, assessing the situation in seconds. "We could, unless you want to go for a walk? I've been feeling a little hemmed in lately and could do with stretching my legs."

"Yeah," Gordon said gratefully. "Yeah, I think that would do me good too."

Gordon shifted a little, lifting his head from John's shoulder, meaning to move away, but something caught his eye.

"Hey! Is that a tattoo?"