22,400 Miles Above

by WillowDragonCat

Perfect is not when compatible people come together, it's when they are opposites but in that way they complete each other. Part Two of the ongoing Opposites Attract Series. I suggest reading that first. (Rated mature for occasional strong language and some scenes of danger, violence, sexual situations. All efforts will be made to add trigger warnings at the start of a chapter)

41. Two Sides Of The Coin

"You're really not enjoying this, are you?" Theodore whispered, leaning closer to make sure the rest of their party didn't hear. Penny had been sitting beside him the whole night, through the dinner they had eaten and the show that had followed, and now on to drinks, yet the entire time she hadn't once cracked a smile.

"Whatever gave you that impression?"

"You've been nursing that drink, which I made sure was your favourite vintage, might I add, for over an hour," he paused, holding up his hand to stop her when she opened her mouth to protest. "Couple that with the fact that it's your birthday, which is supposed to be a happy occasion, and you're sitting here with what our old gardener used to call 'a face like a smacked arse' tells me that you'd rather be anywhere but here." He sat back in his chair, his arms crossed, daring her to argue his point. She couldn't, she wouldn't dare outright lie to him, which anything other than the truth would surely be.

Penelope winced slightly at his use of what she had always thought to be a rather ugly phrase but was unable to deny the truth of his observation. "I wouldn't put it quite that way, but I take your point."

"You wanna talk about it?" he offered, uncrossing his arms as he learnt forward again.

"With present company in earshot? I think not." She shot a pointed glance across the table where the rest of their party, three other agents, were apparently enjoying the drinks a lot more than she was. She liked them well enough, but she had never been one to share her personal life with just anyone.

"Did you at least enjoy the play?" he asked hopefully, it hadn't been an easy task to secure five tickets for Christmas eve, especially with how popular the play had become.

"I did, it was exactly as it promised to be. The story was captivating and the acting was superb, as was the musical score."

"But you're not really in the mood to socialise," Theo finished for her, knowing her far too well for her own good. "It's alright, you can say it."

Penelope stared at him for a moment or two, scrutinising his face for any sign of an ulterior motive, any avoidance of his gaze, any tensing of his shoulders, but Theo stared right back, hiding nothing.

"I'm sorry," Penelope admitted with a defeated sigh. "I don't mean to seem ungrateful after you went to so much trouble to arrange all of this."

"You're not being ungrateful, you've been working all the hours God sends, you're entitled to feel a bit off." He picked up his glass, draining its contents in a few gulps. "Come on, make your excuses, I'll take you home."

"No, I couldn't possibly drag you away," Penelope protested. He'd been working just as hard as she had and looked just as tired, a five o'clock sprinkling of stubble dusted his usually smooth cheeks and his hair had lost some of its usual smoothness as the day had wore on. Yet he'd still found the time to plan a birthday treat for her, and here she was seemingly not appreciating it in the slightest. No wonder Gordon had gotten fed up with her. All she wanted to do was go home and wallow alone in self pity for the next two days. "I can call a taxi that will be here in under half an hour."

"Or I could get you home in the same amount of time, my car is just down the road, we might as well use it."

"I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking, I'm offering, in fact, I'm insisting." Not taking no for an answer, Theo swiped her coat from its place on the back of her chair and held it open for her, waggling it a little in invitation when she looked like she would continue to protest.

He really was the most stubborn man, he always had been. There would be no arguing with him when he had his mind set on something and honestly, she had had her fill of arguments the last few days. It wouldn't hurt to allow someone to take care of her just this once.

"Then yes please." She set aside her almost full glass and, after retrieving her handbag from its spot between her feet, stood up, allowing him to help her into her coat. "Thank you."

"Hey, where are you two going?" Their team's cryptologist and technical whiz, Jonty Clifford's eyes might have been slightly unfocused, belaying the amount of vintage champagne he had indulged in, but they were still sharp enough to notice that something was going on.

"Penny has developed a headache," Theo lied smoothly. "And Parker will take too long to get here as it's his night off. Since I'm going that way, I offered to drive her home myself."

"How much have you drunk?" Cordelia Astley, their team profiler, asked, ever the mother of the group.

"One glass with dinner, then I switched to orange."

Cordelia performed the same face sweep and catalogue as Penelope had done, a testament to her years on the job. Obviously sensing nothing untoward, she nodded. "Fine, I'll believe you, but no funny business, Miss Creighton-Ward is spoken for."

Out of the corner of his eye, Theodore saw Penelope's shoulders tense up, although she made no move to correct her friend's assumption. That was interesting, Penelope and Cordelia were quite close, having been friends even before their team had been assembled, yet she had clearly kept the information of her recent breakup to herself.

"As if I would," Theo protested, keeping the attention of the group on himself by slapping his hand over his heart as if her insinuation wounded him. "I'm a gentleman!"

"Yes, when it suits you," Spencer Dormer, their special operations agent, said with a laugh. He was by far the drunkest of the group and would no doubt continue for another hour at least before Cordelia managed to shove him into a taxi and send him on his way.

"I resent that remark," Theo teased, feigning offence. "I know when my attentions are wanted and, as Cordie pointed out, Penny's unavailable."

"See that you remember that," Cordelia warned as she pulled Penelope into one of her bone-crushing hugs. "Happy birthday again, darling. Do enjoy the day tomorrow, won't you?"

"I'll try," Penelope promised, deliberately keeping her answer vague. She didn't want anyone to know that she was planning on spending the whole of Christmas day alone in bed watching tearjerker movies and eating copious amounts of chocolate. It probably wasn't the best way to spend the day, but it was all she felt up to doing.

"Don't enjoy yourself too much with those Tracy men," Spencer joked, pulling her into a hug of his own. He was a big man, his muscles honed by years of martial arts and military training, but he had the heart to match when it came to his friends, and she allowed herself to lean into his embrace, letting his brotherly love wash over her. Who knew, it might be the only nice hug she got for a long time.

"My turn," Jonty said, pushing Spencer aside and sweeping her up into a sloppy hug, almost falling over as his wobbly legs refused to cooperate. "Happy birthday, my lady."

"Thank you all," she said when Jonty finally righted himself and she was able to escape. "I very much appreciate you all giving up your evening to spend it with me and I'm so sorry to be leaving so soon but this beastly headache has been brewing all day and now it's finally taken up residence. I do believe the only cure will be in the form of a good night's rest."

A chorus of goodbyes and feel better wishes followed Penelope and Theodore as they made their way through the members-only club and out onto Shaftsbury Avenue. The streets were still busy, even though it was past eleven o'clock, but the chatter of conversation made a pleasant backdrop as they walked in silence to the side street where Theo had parked his car.

-x-

"You really needn't have concerned yourself with accompanying me inside, you know," Penelope said as she untied her scarf. The evening had turned bitterly cold, something that seemed to match her mood, and she had been grateful for its warmth.

"I know, but I wanted to," he said, pulling off his gloves and stuffing them into his coat pocket.

"Well…" Penelope paused, unsure how to respond.

"Just say 'Thank you, Theo,' and leave it at that."

"Thank you, Theo."

"There, that wasn't so hard, was it?" Theodore teased, his easy smile taking the sting out of his words.

"I can assure you it was extremely hard," she retorted but there was no heat to it. She was tired, physically and emotionally, yet her ingrained need to always have the last word continued to rear its head.

Theodore, being more than used to her ways, wisely changed the subject.

"Are you going to be alright?" She looked tired, and her usual unflappable force of nature persona seemed to have abandoned her the past few days. He knew it was partly down to the extreme workload they had been dealing with but, no matter how much she might deny it, he knew that she wasn't as dismissive of her recent breakup as she would like him to believe.

"Of course," she snapped, her eyes narrowing suspiciously. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know, I can't help but worry."

"I can assure you I am perfectly fine."

"I'm your friend, I'm allowed to worry."

"Well, you needn't."

"Pen, we've known each other since we were four years old, we grew up together."

"I'm aware of that, I could hardly forget."

"Then please, stop treating me like I'm an idiot that doesn't know you."

Penelope opened her mouth to argue but clearly thought better of it.

"I know you, Penny Nelly, and I know that no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, you are not in fact, fine."

Again, Penelope declined to comment.

Theodore crossed his arms firmly, leaning his shoulder against the doorframe, settling in for the long haul. "I'm not leaving until I know that you're truly as fine as you claim to be. So, what are we going to do?"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I for one am planning to get rather drunk and sleep through until boxing day." She finished unwinding her scarf with a dramatic flourish and tossed it carelessly over the bannister along with her coat, uncaring as to the fact that it was her favourite beige Dior that had once belonged to her mother.

"If there is going to be drinking involved then I am definitely staying," Theo said, straightening from his relaxed pose. "Lead the way."

-x-

"I do believe that this drink is broken." Penelope swirled the gin and tonic in her glass, staring into its sparkling depths.

"How so?"

"I have drunk three already and I don't feel the slightest bit better."

"Then we need to do something else."

"I don't feel like it."

Theo sighed. "Pen, it's your birthday, no one is supposed to be sad on their birthday."

"Is that some kind of rule?"

"Yes."

"Then unfortunately I shall continue to break it."

"Or you could do something about it," Theo continued to push.

Penny lifted her glass. "I am trying to do so."

"I didn't mean by drinking, Penny."

"Then what do you propose I do, oh Wise One?"

"Call Gordon."

"No."

"I'm serious. If this is making you so sad, then do something about it. If you love him, then fight for him."

Another quick gulp of gin was apparently all the response she was willing to give, but he wasn't prepared to let this go. He hated to see anyone he cared about hurting, but this was his Penny Nelly, his partner in crime, his oldest friend, and her happiness meant the world to him.

He couldn't say that he hadn't been surprised when she had announced that she had taken up with Gordon Tracy, they were about as opposite as two people could get, but he had seen just how much the younger man cared for her and that had been good enough for him. But now he wondered if he hadn't been a little complacent in his observations of the couple. Surely he had to have missed something important happening that had caused things to implode in such a way that Penny refused to do anything about it.

"You do love him, don't you?" he pushed, needing to know.

"It doesn't matter if I do or not, it's not that simple."

"Sure it is. What could be simpler than that? If you love someone you make it work." Call him an idiot, but he'd thought that love was the most important thing in a relationship.

"I always knew you were the more romantic of us but I didn't think you could be so naive."

Theo choked out a laugh. "Me? Naive? I don't think so."

"I beg to differ," she said with an indignant sniff. "You don't understand at all."

"Fine," Theo said, the challenge evident in his tone. "Explain it to me, explain to me why you can't call him and fix this mess before it gets to the point that it's beyond fixing. Help me to understand, Pen, because I'm obviously flying blind here."

"There's nothing to understand, it's just better this way." Her glass was empty, which was pissing her off. She would have to do something about that.

Theo's hand caught hers as she reached for the bottle. "Drinking won't solve this and you know it."

"Oh, and I suppose you believe that talking will?"

"It can't hurt. Humour me. Tell me why."

Penny huffed as she pulled her arm away and snatched up the bottle, cradling it to her chest like a beloved pet. "You are the most annoying man, do you know that?"

"Yes, but I'm also your friend and that counts for something. You know I won't give up until you tell me, it'll be easier on both of us if you just get on with it."

He was right, he was her friend, and he had been there for her through some of the most difficult moments in her life and she had no doubts that he would continue to be there in the future. She had known when he had been transferred to her team and they had been partnered together that he wouldn't let her get away with anything, he never did. Having him in closer proximity had been both a blessing and a curse. It had meant that she couldn't withhold information like she could when they were limited to phone calls and twice-a-year meetings. She should have known that he would demand to know what had gone so wrong between her and Gordon, but the truth was she wasn't entirely sure herself.

"I don't really know how to explain it," she said quietly, sloshing another inch of gin into her glass.

"I find that starting from the beginning is often the best way," he suggested gently. "Maybe you could try that?"

-x-

"Did you ever hear how my parents met?" Penny asked, around a mouthful of quite delicious cheese on toast Theo had made them in an effort to soak up a little of the alcohol they had consumed. Cheese on toast had become something of a tradition for them, from their childhood snacks to teenage partying, Parker had been there through it all and now, just because he wasn't there to make it, Theo had seen no reason why they shouldn't still indulge.

"No, I don't believe I did." Ignoring the disgusted look she shot his way he continued to dollop ketchup onto his toast like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"No, I don't suppose you did, it's something of a dark secret that Mummy would do anything to keep to herself."

Theo laughed at that. Dark secret indeed, there was nothing strange and unusual about Penny's mother. Still, he would humour her, although he wouldn't promise to do it without a little teasing. "What was she, some kind of circus performer that got in with the wrong crowd?"

"Close, she was an actress."

Theo's wide-eyed stare was enough to make her giggle, something that she badly needed.

"An actress? Your mother?" He glanced into his teacup suspiciously. Surely she had managed to sneak anything stronger than Earl Grey in, had she?

"I know, as the saying goes, it doesn't compute, does it?"

"Definitely not." The late Lady Amelia Creighton-Ward was the epitome of beauty, grace and above all, class. She never missed a meeting at the local Women's Institute of which she was the patron, along with a number of other charities both local and nationwide. She always wore the latest fashions, conducting herself with perfect poise no matter the occasion. She was so perfect in fact, that Theo had always thought her quite boring. The thought of her being some kind of free-spirited actress was one that he would never have dreamt up in a million years.

"She was studying drama at the London School of Dramatic Art on an exchange program, focusing on the history and traditions of the West End. She was working backstage over the summer break to gain experience as well as acting as an understudy for one of the more minor characters."

"I bet her parents loved that, their daughter wanting to become an actress," Theo said. He could only imagine what his mother would have said if his sister, Verity, had announced she wished to study drama in another country.

"I doubt they cared a jot," Penny answered, a sly smile on her face. "They were your average, all-American family. Nothing special, just enough money that mummy could do as she wished but not enough to elevate them to have any kind of societal status."

"You're not serious?" He'd never met Penelope's maternal grandparents but he'd always pictured them as being like his own, which was to say rather dour and stuck in their ways, caring more about the family name than the family itself.

"Oh but I am."

Theo shook his head, unable to believe what he was hearing. He couldn't picture Lady Amelia as anything but the upper-class lady that she was. "So, your mother was an untitled American that moved here to study?"

"Well, as good as. Her parents emigrated to the States early in their marriage, so she was born there, but had dual citizenship."

"So how did she meet your father?" Theo asked, noting that his friend was already smiling at the memory.

"Oh it was all very romantic," Penny said with a small sigh, a dreamy look on her face. "A classic meet-cute worthy of a Hollywood movie. Daddy was attending some terribly boring play, one of those charity events where you buy an overpriced ticket for a show you have no interest in but put up with it because it's for a good cause."

Theo winced in sympathy, being very familiar with such events himself.

"Daddy, being a patron of the arts, was treated to a backstage tour where, by all accounts, he met and fell instantly in love with Mummy. He made it his mission to woo her no matter what it took."

"Obviously he succeeded," Theo commented, a fond smile on his face. He'd always liked the way that Penelope's parents had interacted with each other, they were affectionate in ways that he had never seen between his own parents, seeming to actually be in love rather than like or even mild hatred as many toffs seemed to see as perfectly normal. His own parents had not been a love match, they could barely stand to spend more than an hour in a room together before the barbed comments would start as they made little digs at each other's expense. He supposed they had liked each other well enough at some point, unless he and his sister had been drunken mistakes, but the years had taken their toll on them and now they barely spoke, preferring to live mostly separate lives. The sad part was that it didn't seem to bother them, they saw it as normal. And by all accounts, so did most of their friends.

"He did, although I gather that Mummy did not make it easy on him. He wined and dined her in the best restaurants a city had to offer. He'd think nothing of chartering a private plane or a high-speed train to take her on dates all over Europe. But not only that, he made sure that he attended every show in which she performed, even if she called him twenty minutes before it started. He rented a box from an acquaintance so he had access to any performance he wished."

"He must have truly loved her to sit through show after show like that."

"He did, even though she wasn't the best actress in the company he was determined that she would continue living her dream."

"When did they decide to get married?"

"Daddy asked her on their very first date."

"Wow, he must really have loved her and she him."

"She turned him down."

"Oh." Theo sipped his tea, having removed the temptation of more alcohol from not just Penny but himself too. "But I take it he kept trying?"

"He did, he repeated the question on every date until she eventually believed him and said yes. I can't say I blame her, one finds it hard to believe in such a thing as true love when you seem to be such opposite sides of a coin. Mummy worried that she was simply a passing fancy, what one might call a 'bit of rough'." Her nose wrinkled as she said this, something that Theo couldn't help noticing. She'd had a personal dislike of that phrase ever since someone had said as much about her own relationship with Gordon. She hadn't seen him that way, but the fact that other people had, people whose opinions she had thought quite highly of, hadn't sat well with her.

"He was obviously serious about her, what did he do to convince her?"

"He introduced her to Granny and Grandpa."

Theo whistled. "I see, the old meet the parents routine."

"Quite."

"Do I take it they didn't approve?"

"Not at first, they were rather disappointed when their son came home with not just an American on his arm but a lowborn actress."

"I can see where that might have been a surprise," Theo said with a grimace, not wanting to imagine what his own parents would think if he brought home someone that wasn't who they considered to be the right type of person. "I assume they got over their shock?"

"Oh, yes, they fell in love with her as much as he had. Mummy had a way about her that could charm almost anyone she met." Penelope sipped her own tea, wishing it was something a little stronger but not in the mood to argue with Theo over it. "And when she became pregnant with me within three months of their wedding, they couldn't have been more accepting."

The whole time Penny had been talking, Theo had been mentally scrolling his quite extensive film, television and theatre knowledge, but was coming up blank. "Did Lady Amelia continue acting? I don't recall seeing her in anything."

"No, she gave it up soon after I was born."

"Why? If her acting skills were anything like yours she was wasting her talent."

"Because it was not a very ladylike profession," Penny said placidly, but Theo could tell there was more to the story than she was letting on.

"So what? If your father and his family were supportive, then what does that matter?"

"They might have been, but society was not," Penelope added another lump of sugar into her tea, her third, a sure sign that she was feeling on edge. Sugar to calm your nerves was a staple in her household, and something she still subscribed to. He'd once seen her add six lumps to one cup during a very stressful meeting.

"Yes, society," Theo sneered, not even trying to hide his disgust. He was so sick of hearing stories of the upper class and their standards. If you didn't fit in with their idea of what would or would not be considered acceptable behaviour. He had always prided himself on being accepting of everyone, he didn't care if you were a millionaire or if you didn't have two pennies to run together, what mattered to him was the person. Often the kindest, most generous people were the ones that had very little to spare but were happy to give it if it would be for help to someone. All the while the rich got even richer by hoarding their money like dragons with their gold.

That was one thing he'd liked about Gordon, the fact that the Tracy family, rich as they were, were more than generous with that wealth. They used it not to make themselves look good but to actually do good. They had helped countless people that would otherwise have been doomed. He'd had expectations on what Gordon might be like, every rich person he knew who gave to charities did so to help themselves, either as a tax break or for the kudos that came with it. Gordon has been completely different, he'd brushed off any talk of their organisation or his heroics within it, instead he had wanted to talk about migrating sea turtles and to ask where the closest pizza place was as he wasn't a fan of caviar. No, Gordon had been nothing like he had expected and he'd liked that about him.

"Quite." Penny reached over to snag a crust of toast from his plate. "Mummy didn't fit in at all. By all accounts, she had some rather wild ideas in her youth."

"Your mother?" Again, the thought of Lady Amelia being anything more than the perfect example of an upper-class lady didn't register in his mind. He just couldn't imagine it. The wildest thing he'd ever known her to do was break with tradition and have silver Christmas decorations rather than the more classy gold. "Ideas like what?"

"Oh, you know, that women should be equal to men, that women can do the same jobs and should earn the same, that skin colour and race mean nothing, and that where you were born and how much money you have has no bearing on how worthy you are."

"Wow, truly radical thinking there, Lady A," he said, the disbelief evident in his voice. He would never understand just how the toffs seemed to have stayed at least three-hundred years behind the rest of society. They still saw everything in a 'us and them' way. They were the superior species while the commoners and those that didn't look right, were cast aside as less important.

"Isn't it just? Because, rather like myself, she was too outspoken and she was ridiculed for it. She was not of good stock and, at first, she was not very adept at conforming. As a result, she wasn't invited to any of the luncheons or events the other dignitaries and corporate wives attended. She found that it hurt Daddy's standing too. Rather a lot of business deals are done between the wives first and husbands second, and with her hovering on the outskirts, they were akin to social lepers."

"Ouch, that's rough. I remember when Mother took a dislike to Lady Astor and told Father that if he and Lord Astor played golf together again she would move out and create an even bigger scandal. And, as you are probably aware, men like our fathers make more business deals on the course than in an office."

Penny stirred her tea, more for something to do than of need as the sugar had long since dissolved. "Mummy worked very hard to be accepted, Daddy told her that she needn't because he fell in love with her just the way she was, but she insisted. She was used to being popular and all her friends were in the states so she missed having other women to spend time with."

"That's understandable."

"I also think she felt a little guilty."

"Why?"

"Because Daddy could have married any number of women that would have been better placed to help both his career and social standing."

"But he didn't want them, he wanted her," Theo pointed out.

"I know and she knew it too, but she still wanted to fit in and was prepared to do whatever it took to do so. She had elocution lessons, smoothing off the rougher edges of her accent, as well as etiquette classes where she learned the correct manners to be accepted into English society. She did everything she could so that she would feel worthy to carry the name of Creighton-Ward."

"It's terrible that she felt she had to go so far as to practically reinvent herself just to feel like she was worthy."

"She thought it was worth doing. She became the most anticipated person on any guest list. The ones that had previously judged and shunned her now saw her as exotic and interesting. She became incredibly popular because now she was just different enough to be special, but enough like them to fit in."

"I guess I can see that, but I still think it's a shame that she had to spend the rest of her life as someone she wasn't."

Once again Penny fell silent, concentrating on pouring them both another cup of tea even though neither had finished the one they already had. Theo let the quiet hang between them for a few moments but when she showed no desire to break it, he asked the question that had been bugging him since the start of the conversation.

"Not that this wasn't interesting to know, but was there a reason you felt the need to tell me all that?"

"You said you wanted to understand," she answered softly. "And to understand you had to know our history. I watched my mother weep with frustration when she made the smallest mistake in her lessons and saw her beautiful smile dim for days after each event where her invite had gotten 'lost in the post'. She never felt like she was good enough, even in her later years when she had her act down so convincingly that no one knew any different. That was exactly what it was for her, she was an actress, so she acted. Some might even say it was her greatest role, for she played it superbly until the day she died."

Theo nodded, letting her know he was listening, but refused to interrupt. It wasn't often that Penny spoke about herself or her family, especially her mother. She had been very close to her, he remembered that from their childhood, and she, along with her father, had been devastated when her mother had fallen ill. It was heartbreaking that, no matter how much medical science had advanced, the human body did the same, meaning that the elusive cure for the rare form of cancer her mother had developed had never come.

"I told you this, not to make you feel sorry for us, but so you might understand. You see, Gordon and my mother are very similar, and I didn't want him to experience the same treatment if I could help it. And he would have, he did, until I stepped in."

Theo reached for one of the fancy Parisian chocolates she always kept in an antique box on her coffee table, more for something to do than any desire to eat it. He knew that if he stared at her, giving her his full attention, no matter how much he wanted to do just that, she would snap shut tighter than a clam. She was used to public speaking, to being the centre of attention, but that was on her terms when she was talking about any subject other than herself.

"I was trying to help him," she said, almost too quietly for him to hear. "I thought that if I could succeed in polishing him myself, to help him learn to fit in with my life, I could spare him a little of the nastiness he was bound to receive."

"But it didn't work?" Theo guessed, things becoming increasingly clearer the more she talked.

"No, it wasn't working for him and it wasn't working for me." She sighed deeply, dropping her head into her hands, knowing that he would see the guilty flush that stained her cheeks. "I realised that I am an incredibly selfish person."

"You are not," Theo assured her, angry that she could even think such a thing. He'd seen her go out of her way to help anyone that needed it, no matter the situation. While others of their ilk would step around someone down on their luck on the streets, she would stop to talk with them, ask them what they needed and arrange for Parker to deliver it as soon as humanly possible. She'd given away suits for interviews, paid for post office boxes so they had an address to give, had provided phones and computers to those who needed them and more food packages and warm clothes than he could count. And she did it all, along with supporting numerous other charities and good causes, without the rest of the world knowing a thing. "You are the least selfish person I know."

"Then maybe you don't know me as well as you thought." Truthfully she herself hadn't even known there was another side to her. She'd never thought that she would be sitting in her parlour with her oldest friend, telling him all about how she had chased away someone who was likely the only person in the world that would have put up with her.

"Not likely. Go on then, tell me why you'd think such a ridiculous thing?" He sat back in his chair, arms crossed, daring her to try.

"I have a good life but I can't change it, nor would I want to. I like my life as it is. That makes me selfish because I knew that he wouldn't fit into it, yet I tried anyway. I risked him getting hurt, as I knew he would because I refused to change for him."

"But you expected him to change for you?" Theo confirmed.

"Honestly, yes. I was doing it for the right reasons, I truly believe that. I wanted to help him, I wanted to guide him into becoming so much more than he thought he could. But that's no excuse. Even though I knew better I still took away his right to choose. It should have been his decision from the start, just as it was for Mummy."

"It can't have been that bad," Theo argued. "I thought Gordon has a pretty good life himself? Surely that counts for something?"

"He does, for now." She looked longingly towards the bar in the corner where Theo had placed the bottle of gin for safe keeping but returned her attention to their conversation when he pointedly cleared his throat. "I wanted to be sure that it continued. I knew that if we wanted to have a future together, we would have to put in the groundwork to achieve it."

"Why would it matter if society wanted nothing to do with him? It's not like he needs to earn a living, neither of you do. You could both choose to never work another day in your lives and still be more than comfortable."

"I'm aware of that, but I wouldn't want that kind of lazy lifestyle. I couldn't imagine ever giving up working as I do. I'm not one to sit at home and only go out to attend social occasions or charity events. I like them well enough, as they are now, in their place and when I choose to do them, but that's because I break them up with more intellectual pursuits."

"I'm the same," Theo admitted. He hated it when he had nothing to do, no place to go or a job of any description. He'd spent most of his life travelling, from school holidays with his parents, to university gap years and then when he had worked for various agencies. It was only now, with his parents advancing years and failing health, that he had returned home to take his father's place at the bureau. It was nice to be back in England and being placed on the same task force as Penelope had been a wonderful bonus. But he knew that if he didn't have his work he would have nothing to occupy his time

"I know you are, you need to be kept busy and so do I. My work gives me that, it challenges me and it ensures that I continue to be able to do good in the world. It's important to me, just as it is for Gordon. I couldn't imagine him being too old or too injured to continue his work with IR, he wouldn't do well with an inactive life. He would never be content with living off his father's money in a life of leisure. He'd get bored, especially if I wasn't home with him."

"I don't know him that well, if at all really," Theo hedged, "but I have seen the news coverage of the work he does with his brothers and he seems to love it. He's always smiling when I see him on camera and many people have spoken of how nice he was while rescuing them. He seems like a good guy."

"He is, and not just nice. Contrary to the act he puts on and the image he presents to the world, he is a very clever man. That was part of my worry, I would have hated to see that intelligence wasted."

"I'm sure he wouldn't have wasted it. He seems like a very self-assured person."

"He might seem that way to someone looking in from the outside, but I have seen a different side of him. I've seen how he compares himself to his brothers when he thinks no one is watching. I was trying, probably in the wrong way, to get him to believe in himself more. I wanted him to push himself, to make something of himself so that, when the time came, he would have the option of another career to walk into."

She pushed aside her cup, the tea seeming to lack its usual calming ability that evening. Her fingers fidgeted in her lap, pleating and smoothing the material of her dress as if needing something to do.

"I wanted him to be proud of himself, to believe that he was more than capable of doing other things. But to do so he needed to grow up and show those that are influential in his field that he was there and a force to be reckoned with."

"Surely he could understand that? He must have known what you were doing and why you were doing it?" How could he not have? Surely they had talked about it? Surely she had talked to him about her parents and her fear of the same coming true for them?

"I assumed he did, but now I fear that wasn't the case at all. He never saw things the way I did and we clashed a lot in that regard. He wanted to do things his way and I, well I supposed I was convinced that my way was better."

She assumed he knew? He shook his head in utter disbelief. How could two adults who supposedly loved each other not talk about the most important things? He could understand not bothering to mention trivial details, but this was something major that had negatively affected their relationship and neither of them seemed to be willing to back down and be the first to explain themselves.

"So, basically, you were two incredibly stubborn people that kept butting heads?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

"Essentially, yes," Penny ground out between clenched teeth, clipped and to the point, her arms folding protectively as if she expected him to argue, to blame her in some way. That or she actually wanted him to do just that. Maybe she wanted him to argue, to accuse her of being a bitch. Maybe that would make her feel better. Well he wasn't going to play her games. "But it's not as simple as that."

Penny hated to explain her actions, even if it was just to herself, something that has clearly impacted her relationship with Gordon to the point of doing serious damage. The only way he could see that it would be salvageable, would be for her to be as honest with Gordon as she was with him. Gordon needed to know why she had acted the way she had, he deserved to know what had motivated her to behave in a way that had shut him out so much that he had called time on a relationship that he had been so invested in.

He knew her, he knew how she worked, which meant he knew exactly how to deal with her bullshit. She needed to talk even if it was just so she could organise her thoughts and understand her actions in her own head.

He lifted an eyebrow, his eyes locked on hers, making it clear that he would not let her get away with manipulating him in any way, shape or form. When he was sure she was paying attention he made a little winding motion with his hand, indicating that he expected her to continue.

Her martyred eye roll was a thing of beauty, but she did as she was told. "I wanted to help and make things easier for him. But I realised that it is something I do a lot."

"What is?"

"Manage people. I try to squash them into the boxes that I believe they should fit into. But, Gordon, Gordon is different. He's a square peg that refuses to be hammered into a round hole. And I both love him and hate him for that."

There it was, the bald truth. She didn't just hate him for it, she hated herself. Why couldn't she be content with what she had? Why did she always have to push harder than everyone else, wanting everything and everyone to be so perfect?

She'd spent her entire childhood and most of her teenage years watching her mother try to be someone she wasn't, trying to squash and smooth and reform herself into the perfect aristocratic wife. And now, Penny realised, she had been doing the same. She had copied her mother, pushing herself to fit in wherever she needed to, telling herself that she was doing it for her future, for her career and her own life fulfilment, but had she really? Or had she been just as scared of being an outcast as her mother had?

She'd spoken as the other children did, acted as they did, liked the same things they did. Even her hobbies had been pre-approved, horseback riding, ballet, singing and music lessons, only the most accepted interests were allowed. Quitting ballet school had been the only wildly out of character choice she had ever made and that was only because she realised that she would never appreciate it as much as others there did. She was there because she had money, not because she deserved it. Others lived and breathed for it, it was their first thought upon waking and their last at night, while she was focused more on the gossip that went on backstage, gathering intelligence like it was her lifeblood.

But, even knowing that it wasn't for her, she had stuck it out until her parents returned to England and she could negotiate her way out. Her attendance to finishing school in Switzerland being their final deal.

She hadn't realised it then but she had resented her parents for making her choose an alternative. Other children could simply quit an activity if they didn't enjoy it and spent their time in their rooms playing video games or binge watching the latest popular show. But not her.

Every part of her life had been mapped out, first by her parents and then by herself. She had been managed and now she managed others. An endless cycle that she could see no way off of.

Truthfully she envied Gordon's life so much. He'd been given the freedom to break the mould, to forge his own path and do whatever made him happy. He devoted his time to things he enjoyed. He wore what he wanted, said whatever crossed his mind and did so with unwavering faith that he had every right to do so.

He was lucky, because where she came from there was no such luxury. The people she knew would have eaten him alive. Surely it had been better for her to dim his light than to see it extinguished entirely? But, if so, why did it hurt so much?

She'd gone silent again, lost in her own head and he was no better. How was he supposed to respond to what she had told him? He wanted to say something encouraging and supportive, something that would make her feel better, but he couldn't. He didn't know how. All he had in his head was one thought, on question, going round and round.

Theo fiddled with his cup, playing with the handle, trying to figure out how best to frame his next question. Penny appreciated it if you were forthright, maybe he should just say it?

"I'm sorry, I have to ask, and please feel free to tell me to shove off, but if he's not your type, if you were having to work so hard to get him to fit with what you wanted, to fit with your vision of your future, why were you even together?"

If she was shocked or insulted by his question she didn't show it. Her face was the same mask of calm detachment as it always was when she was talking about herself. He braced himself for her to tell him to leave, which she would have been within her rights to do so.

"I'm not sure there is a real answer to your question."

Theo wanted to sigh with relief, though years of training helped him keep it inside. The fact that she was still talking to him was a good thing and it was his job to make sure she continued. He'd have to tread carefully, pushing her just enough to keep her sharing but not too much that she clammed up.

"Then just tell me how you feel?" he suggested gently.

"Gordon always made it very obvious that he liked me, right from the first moment we met. He was this awkward teenager, barely out of childhood, whereas I was on holiday from school in Switzerland. He was a child and I considered myself to be a woman of the world. He was far too young for me and incredibly immature."

"All teenage boys are immature. We take a while to grow up. While you women race off ahead, putting aside childish things, we tend to cling to them for longer."

"Exactly so. And over the years I saw him grow from a boy into a handsome man. He matured due to his time in W.A.S.P, his recovery from his hydrofoil accident and then within International Rescue. I didn't see him that often, so it was a surprise when he went away as a boy and came back as a man."

"That's enough to make anyone grow up," Theo commented placidly, not wanting to risk saying anything that might be taken the wrong way. But he couldn't help being impressed. Gordon had the air of someone that had never suffered a day in his life, let alone seen active service and recovered from such a bad accident. There were clearly hidden depths to the man that most people never got to see. He just hoped that Gordon and Penny could work their problems out in some way, because he'd quite like to get to know Gordon better. "I only met him a handful of times but he seemed like a decent guy."

"He is, and that was part of the trouble. He's a good person, something that was sorely lacking in my life, especially romantically."

Theo nodded his agreement. It was certainly true. He'd seen some of the partners she had had, society men who, despite the modern world they lived in, still carried very old-fashioned values. He knew of one such man who had told her that he intended to marry her so that she could start popping out children and be a good stay-at-home wife and mother. He hadn't liked her job, he hadn't liked how independent she was and he certainly hadn't liked how she had a higher title than him. Many men of their class still resented the 2036 law change which had made it possible for women to inherit their family's lands and titles without the need to be married or to play second fiddle to a younger brother. Theo thought it had been a good thing, but this man clearly had not and Theo firmly believed that he had only wanted to marry Penelope in order to get a share of her fortune and to secure a legacy for himself and his future children. He could have been marrying anyone with a title that he saw as up for grabs.

"Gordon seemed to like me, not my title, which was flattering, I admit," Penny continued as if she had read his mind. "I'd just broken up with Charles whom I'd been introduced to by a mutual friend. He was someone that my family and friends would approve of and I thought we were a good match, but he appeared to think differently. Obviously, a Duchess is more appealing than a Lady."

Penelope's mouth twisted in a small grimace, one that Theo echoed. It was a hazard of their class's attitude, social climbing and one upmanship with titles and playing my house is bigger than yours, were all par for the course.

"And I take it Gordon didn't care?"

"He didn't seem to, he was so different, it was refreshing really, but I wasn't in a place to feel like I could be in a relationship. He was fun to flirt with and to tease, but that was as far as I ever saw it going. He wanted more, obviously, and I didn't but, try as I might, I couldn't seem to tell him once and for all that it wasn't to be."

"You're still telling me all the reasons you didn't want to be with him and not how it came to be," Theo accused gently. "Something had to have changed your mind because you aren't one to allow yourself to be pushed into anything you don't want to do."

"He was attacked on a rescue and badly hurt, and honestly, it scared me so much. I had a vision of what life would be like, what my life would be like, without him in it, and I realised that I might have more feelings for him than I thought."

Ah, that he could understand. He'd seen it often enough in their line of work. Office romances happened frequently and with numerous partners. Spending weeks working closely with someone, in what was often life or death situations, had a way of bringing people closer, of cultivating feeling and forcing their hand on whether they acted on them. Sometimes you didn't know what you had until it was almost taken away from you, and he suspected that Penny had been a victim of that very thing.

"I didn't say anything while he was recovering, I managed to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. But by the time he had recovered and was back on active duty, something had changed. I trust those Tracy boys, I trust them to know their jobs, to not take stupid risks and to be able to get themselves out of trouble. In that line of work you have to put your own feelings aside and let them get on with their job without being a distraction. Usually it was easy, I never felt true worry, not the heart pounding, sick to my stomach feeling that I felt knowing that Gordon was once again under water and risking his life."

Seeking comfort, Penelope scooped up a sleeping Sherbet from his cushion on the floor beside the sofa she was sitting on. The little pup jolted awake but, obviously sensing his mistresses mood, snuggled his head under her chin as she cradled him tightly against her chest.

"He almost died, again, and I…I lost control of myself. I don't know what made me do it, why I was stupid enough to cross that invisible boundary that I had erected, but I did. I kissed him." She whispered the words into Sherbet's fur, hiding her face as if unable to bear to be seen.

"It was a small kiss, barely more than a peck, but it was enough. I refer to it in my head as my biggest mistake, isn't that awful of me?" She formed it as a question but Theo knew she didn't want an actual answer. He stayed quiet as she continued, the floodgates now well and truly open, the words pouring from her like water.

"I call it a mistake because after that he seemed to be on another mission, a mission to make me his." Sherbet squirmed in her arms and she loosened her death grip, allowing him to settle on her lap.

"Surely you can appreciate someone that is serious about getting what they want?" Theo asked quietly.

"I am not a thing to acquire, I have never been and had no desire to be. I thought I made it perfectly clear, but the more I tried to ignore it, to ignore him, the harder he seemed to work."

Theo knew it wasn't his place to judge, but he couldn't help admiring Gordon's tenacity. He'd obviously seen the side of Penny that she rarely allowed out and had latched onto it with both hands.

"I was ambushed on valentines day. He wore me down with his pretty words and perfect , fairytale promises." She sighed, her fingers absently stroking Sherbet's head. "I know I'm making it sound like he tricked me in some way or pushed me into it, but he didn't. He was just himself, his cheerful, honest, loveable, carings self and I thought maybe, just maybe, he was what I really needed. Someone that was nothing like me, nothing like the other men that I had dated. Someone that could see beyond the dumb blonde socialite image to the real me inside."

"Sometimes it's good to break from what you usually know," Theo agreed. "So I can understand why you would be willing to try. Often the best things come in the most surprising of packages."

"I think I had a romantic notion that Gordon would be for me what my mother was for my father. They were perfect for each other, their differences being complementary rather than negative. They changed to be with each other and were so happy. I wanted that, I thought I could have that. I thought we were breaking down the expectations and rules of the society I was part of and proving that there was a better way."

"That's a hard thing to do."

"It is, and when coupled with the truth of the situation, it made me realise that I was being selfish. I wanted Gordon to change to fit in with my life, but I had no desire to adapt in any way to fit in with his."

She hated that she had been so wrong. She wished with all her heart that she could have been one of those people for which love was enough. She wanted the whole package, the handsome man that she couldn't keep her hands off of, one who worshipped her like a goddess, who saw only the good in her. She wanted to believe that love could overcome any obstacle, but knew that it was a rare thing to find in the real world. It was one of those once in a lifetime things that you found only if you were incredibly lucky, while most people never got to experience it at all.

Gordon had seemed like the complete package. He wasn't classically handsome in the smooth, polished way that she usually found so attractive, but he was beautiful in his own way with his sun-kissed hair, his mahogany eyes and golden tanned skin. His swimmer's body was honed to muscular perfection and she'd had no hesitation when it came to tumbling into bed with him. His touch made her pulse quicken, his kisses started a warm fire deep in her belly and his words melted her icy exterior.

But physical attraction could never be enough to last long term, it should be the icing on the relationship cake, not the foundation upon which the whole teetering thing was built. You needed common interests, a shared sense of humour, and a desire to put the needs and wants of your partner above your own. And that was something she just wasn't able to do.

"But you could try to, Pen," Theo pressed, breaking through her muddled, negative thoughts. "You could put in the effort to make it work, just like Gordon was trying to do."

"I could, but anything I did would be a lie. I had to admit to myself that I simply don't want to. I like my life, I enjoy the pomp and circumstance, the drama and intrigue of society. It's a part of me, it's part of our job and I don't want to give that up." It was all that she had ever known, this constant striving for perfection, to be the best she could at everything she tried. Runner up was as good as being the loser in her world. There was top of your game or bottom of the pile, and she refused to be at the bottom of everything. She'd known when she took on her father's role at the bureau that she would have to work twice as hard as her male counterparts. Her every move, every choice, would be analysed and categorised. If she got angry they would accuse of her being hormonal, if she made a daring choice they would call her impulsive, if she changed her mind she was a 'typical woman' if she complained she was seen as weak, and if she had a bad day and was upset by something that had happened, she was ridiculed and her feelings dismissed.

She'd put in too much work to stop. To do so would be to prove them all right by giving up on her career goals the second she found herself a man to take care of her.

"It's not selfish to not want to change for your partner. You're allowed to like yourself just as you are, in fact, I'd say it's a good thing to do so. But it has to go both ways, if you want him to accept you as you are then you have to accept him just as he is too."

"And therein lies my problem, I don't think that I can."

She fell silent, her fingers tightened on Sherbet's collar so much that the little dog let out a tiny yelp of warning. She instantly let go, soothing her fingers down his back by way of apology.

"I liked to think that I could," she finished at last, "but if I'm being honest, I know that I don't really want to."

"Why not?"

"I thought that I liked him just as he was, but I realised that we weren't as compatible as I thought we would be. I wanted to learn to relax, but he's too relaxed. I never meant to get angry at him, but his attitude is far too different to my own." Sherbet relaxed back onto her lap with a small huff as she gently fondled his soft, flappy ears.

"I know how important his job is to him," Penny continued. "It's partly my job too. But I have another one, our one, and that is important to me too. The Bureau is where I will continue to grow, where I will continue to be challenged. Working for them has always been my dream, right from the day when I first found out about Daddy's involvement with them. It's my birthright as much as this house and my title are."

She reached for her teacup but didn't pick it up, the action instinctive, for comfort more than any real desire to drink the tepid liquid it held. "Gordon seems to labour under the belief that International Rescue is the be-all and end-all."

"You don't feel like he respects what you do?"

"In a way, yes. Maybe not consciously, but I would be lying if I said that I don't feel like he judges me for it."

"Really? In what way?" In their brief meetings Gordon had always come across as the least judgemental person in the world and Theo found it hard to picture the other man being in any way negative towards the woman he loved.

"The Tracys value human life above all else. They are non-political, they don't discriminate, they will put their lives at risk to save anyone, no matter who it is."

"Ah." And they weren't, he finished silently. They counted themselves as the good guys, the ones dedicated to keeping the sometimes fragile peace that had been agreed upon after the global conflict, but in doing so they sometimes had to rely on their ruthless streak. Threats and problems had to be eliminated one way or another and he for one knew that he had blood on his hands, as did she.

"Quite. And I can't help but feel like he believes it's wrong for me to give our work any kind of priority in my life, even though he will for his, and I'm expected to do the same when it comes to International Rescue."

"You do give priority to them. Don't forget who covers for you when you leave in the middle of a mission because they called you."

"I know, but I don't feel like it's enough. I feel like I'm not allowed to be proud of the work you and I do, like it's wrong of me, like it makes me a bad person. But I want to, I enjoy it. Even if that makes me one of the bad guys, it's still a part of who I am, it's what I've trained to be all my life."

"He would never see you as one of the bad guys," Theo promised her, but she waved his words aside with a sweep of her hand.

"And then there's the social side of me, I feel like he judges me for that too. He sometimes looks at me like I'm the most shallow person in the world, caring more about my clothes than anything of note. But I need it, the societal aspect is who I am. It's not just important as a cover for my agency work, but it's a part of my life, my heritage. I don't want to give up any of it."

"Nor should you have to. There is nothing wrong with being yourself, Pen. And there is certainly nothing wrong with wanting to concentrate on a job you love. Wanting to do that doesn't make you a horrible person."

"Then why do I feel like it does?"

"It's not as if you asked him to give up his job so you could keep yours. You need to be kinder to yourself."

"That's part of the problem, I can't be kinder to myself because I feel too guilty," she admitted quietly, not lifting her eyes from the inside of her teacup to look at him.

"Why?"

"Because I wasn't kind enough to him. I know that I'm guilty of neglecting him and his feelings. I knew I was doing it but I kept making excuses, even to myself."

Theo picked up the teapot in offer of a refill but she shook her head. She didn't want tea, she wanted the incredibly expensive pink gin that she'd been drinking earlier. She wanted to feel better, to numb the emotional pain with the physical one that would come in the morning. If her head was splitting in two she would be unable to think and maybe then she would get some peace. But for now, she would have to content herself with the strangely therapeutic relief that was coming from talking. With each new thing she confessed she felt a small chink appear in her armour, allowing her to admit to things that she hadn't been strong enough to do while the only person she could talk to was Gordon himself. She needed to keep going, no matter how much it hurt, for his sake as well as her own. Only then would she be able to understand her own messed up reasoning and give him some of the closure that he so desperately needed. It wouldn't make her feel the slightest bit better, but she was fine with that, it was what she deserved.

"It's been happening so slowly that I didn't notice it at first, we'd both been so busy that we've been drifting apart," she murmured, forcing herself to push on no matter how much she wished she could avoid it.

"That can happen to any couple. But there are ways of bringing it back."

"That's the point, I don't think there is. Gordon tried. He noticed before I did and while he reacted by growing clingier, trying to pull us closer together because he missed us, I found the distance to be a bit of a relief."

Theo wasn't sure what to say. Truthfully she had shocked him with her honesty. When he thought back to his own lost love, the beautiful but cold, Anastasia. He had thought they were soul mates, but their closeness had never developed past particularly active times in the bedroom. He had wanted more, whereas she had been happy to use him as and when she felt like it and toss him aside when he didn't fit into her plans. He had tried to show her that she was special to him but his efforts to pull her closer had only succeeded in pushing her further away. Penelope knew his sorry tale, yet she seemed to have done exactly the same to Gordon. He didn't want to judge her harshly, he knew that she would never have done so with the same cold-hearted, calculated attitude of Ana, but it still stung.

"I could relax more when he wasn't there," Penelope explained, as if she knew exactly where his mind had gone. "If he wasn't at a function with me I didn't have to be on guard in case he committed some social faux pas that could lead to trouble. And when I was alone I didn't have to pretend to be something I wasn't."

Theo nodded. That made more sense to him than her wanting to be alone or being happy to use Gordon as what amounted to arm candy and a warm body as he himself had felt reduced to.

Sherbet stretched on her lap, standing up and twirling in a circle before settling down again, curling up in a ball. She waited until he was still, gathering her thoughts before speaking again.

"I like who I am, I'm comfortable with who I am. I know that I like things to be a certain way and that I have standards in everything I do that are probably far too high to be considered healthy, but I like that. It makes me feel calm, and in control. Gordon was always trying to get me to relax more, to go with the flow when I wanted anything but that. In our job, as you well know, we have to adapt, overcome, do things that we ordinarily would never dream of, and I can do it then because there is a reason to do so. But when I'm home I want my routine, I want things to be exactly as I planned them to be because I need them to be that way. I need to know what I will be eating, where I will be eating it and what time I shall be in bed. He doesn't, and I hate it."

Theo closed his eyes briefly, hating to hear the pain in her voice. She was his oldest friend and he had always thought of her as being practically perfect in every way. Top of her class, the most popular girl at any event, the one that was always picked first, always the VIP star at any occasion. To hear her put herself down like this, to know that she felt less than worthy, it broke something inside him.

"Oh, Pen, I'm sorry," Theo started but she wasn't listening, she was too focused on her goal, focused on getting out every single word she had to say.

"I should have missed him more, shouldn't I? Like he missed me? But I didn't. I told myself I did, I told myself that I loved him as he loved me. I tried to remind myself of all the things we did together that I had enjoyed and would miss if he wasn't there. I enjoyed having someone to come home with after an engagement, someone that I knew I could trust. And I enjoyed having someone to talk to about my day. But I do all of that with my friends too."

Her fingers tightened on Sherbet's back, needing to feel something solid, something that loved her unconditionally and would never judge her the way she was judging herself.

"I realised that I missed the idea of us more than I would miss the reality of it. And that makes me a terrible person."

Penny didn't realise she was crying until she heard the faint plot of a tear hitting Sherbet's back where she clutched him like a life preserver. The sight of it shocked her, as did the wetness she felt on her cheeks when she brushed her fingers over her skin.

"I…I don't know why I'm crying," she stuttered, her breath catching in her throat. "I don't deserve to cry, I brought this on myself."

"No, no, you didn't," Theo promised, already moving from his spot in the chaise lounge to sit beside her.

She stared at him like she was seeing him for the first time, wondering where he had come from. She gulped, sucking in a ragged breath, trying to hold herself together. But her bottom lip wobbled and her eyes swam with tears she had yet to shed.

"Come here, Penny Nelly," he whispered, opening his arms in invitation.

Theo's arms felt just like they always had, strong and protective, like a shelter from the world. He'd always been there for her, from the times when she had been lonely with each new school she had been sent to, to the times when he had come charging in to protect her when she hadn't been strong enough to do it herself. Theo had always been the one man, apart from her father and Parker, that she could rely on completely. Why couldn't she have felt the same way about Gordon?

"I do love him," she sobbed, her voice muffled against his shoulder. "I do."

"I know you do," Theo soothed, rocking her as he would a small child, not knowing what else to do. He'd sensed that this was coming, this breakdown, but he hadn't realised the extent of the burden she had been putting on herself. But that was Penelope all over, she kept everything bottled up inside her until she couldn't hold it back for a moment longer. The walls she erected around herself would crack and then crumble, letting it all out. She would stumble, she would fall, but then she would get back up stronger than ever. She would rebuild her foundations, erect her walls and face the world with her head held high. He just had to help her get there.

"I never meant to hurt him."

"I know you didn't, you could never hurt someone you love on purpose," Theo assured her. He dug his hand into his pocket to locate his handkerchief and silently passed it to her.

Seeing the hankie was enough to bring her back to reality. She dabbed at her eyes as she forced herself to sit up, sniff back any remaining tears that might dare to think about making an appearance and pull herself together.

"I do miss him," she said, her voice still a little shaky but stronger than it had been before. "But if I'm honest with myself, I miss Gordon my friend, not Gordon my boyfriend. I love him, but I'm not in love with him."

There it was, in a nutshell, so to speak. She knew she had been massively unfair to him to not talk of this sooner, especially not to him.

"My friend was in an accident recently," she started, not really knowing why she was telling him but knowing that any kind of talking was probably for the best no matter what came out. "Not just a friend, Gordon's sister-in-law."

"Selene? I saw that on the news. Pretty nasty crash by all accounts but they said she would recover." He kept his arm around her shoulders, refusing to let her pull away until she was able to, rather than when she thought she ought to.

"Yes, Gordon said she would be fine given enough time."

Gordon said? Surely she had visited or at least video called with her? "Have you not seen her yourself?"

"I popped in on my way to that rendezvous in Oxford but I wasn't able to stay too long so I've been relying on updates."

"Wasn't able to stay or didn't want to stay?" Theo asked bluntly, he knew how she worked and was well aware that what she said sometimes bore little relation to what she actually meant.

Penny stayed silent for so long he thought she would refuse to answer. "Both."

The truth, which she had only just admitted to herself, was less to do with Selene and more to do with the situation.

"Why?" Theo asked. "You said she's your friend."

"Have we not already established that I am, in fact, a terrible person?" she hissed out, her tone as venomous as a snake.

"We did nothing of the sort. You stated that you were and I refused to agree. So try again. Why did you not want to see her?"

"Because I knew what it would be like and, stupidly I'm aware, I was jealous."

"Of Selene being hurt?" He never professed to know all there was to know about humans of the female persuasion, but this was completely new territory to him.

"Not of her, more of her situation."

"I'm sorry, but I'm still going to need more information to go on before I have even the slightest chance of understanding."

"She's married, and happy."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"No, not for her, nor for John. It's just…" She paused to take a deep breath. She didn't know how to actually explain the thoughts and feelings that she had. They didn't make sense, even to her and she was the one experiencing them. "I know that Gordon isn't the one for me, but I wanted him to be. Does that make sense?"

"Of course it does, you wanted it to work."

"If I'm being honest with myself, I know the reason I couldn't stand to be there too long was because of John."

"Gordon's brother? You don't…" He let his words hang there, not wanting to spell anything out since he was still unsure of where this conversation was heading.

"No! Of course not!" Penny protested, realising just where Theo's mind had gone. "I have never and will never see John that way. I was referring more to how John is with Selene."

Theo held in the sigh of relief that wanted to escape and gestured for her to continue.

"John is utterly devoted to her, as she is to him. And I knew that he would be glued to her side. I knew that if I'd been the one in such an accident, Gordon would be exactly the same as John. But, when Gordon was badly injured…" she trailed off, taking a moment to wipe her eyes again and take a steadying breath. "I was there, and I cared about him, but I walked away easily enough when we were told he needed to rest. If that had been John, Selene would never have left him. Wild horses couldn't have dragged her away. I want to be part of something like that, to feel such an incredible, selfless love like they have. But I knew I didn't have that with Gordon and seeing it first hand while I was feeling so trapped in my own relationship, I just couldn't bring myself to watch it."

"Like how I avoided my cousin's wedding because I knew how I'd feel so soon after Ana?" he asked, needing to make sure he was following properly.

"Exactly like that. I told myself that I could have what they had if I tried hard enough, and that that was what I was doing in helping Gordon. I was doing what Selene and John and my mother and father did for each other by pushing them out of their comfort zones. But I've come to realise that there is a difference in how you do it. You might think you are lifting someone up and doing good but in reality, you are simply moulding them into what you think they should be, not what they want to be."

"Yeah, I understand that one," Theo said softly, his mind going to his parents and their incompatible personalities. His mother was forever nagging at his father to act a certain way or to stop doing something she didn't like, whereas his father simply did as he was told, wanting a quiet life. Both were miserable, but neither was prepared to call it quits. They didn't want the scandal or the upheaval of adapting to a new way of life at their age. Instead, they had resigned themselves to living what amounted to separate lives, doing their own thing until a situation put them in the same room together for longer than twenty minutes. Honestly, Theo had never known any difference, so he'd just accepted that every marriage was like theirs, only realising as he'd grown older and experienced more of life, that it wasn't as normal as they had made out.

"Thank you for being here tonight, I know I said I wanted to be alone, but now I'm rather glad that I'm not." Being alone had been infinitely preferable to being on the island for Christmas. Being alone at home meant she didn't have to put on a happy smile and act like everything was perfect when in reality it was anything but for her.

"Haven't I always been there for you if you've needed me? And a few times you haven't?"

"Indeed," Penny said, a small smile forming in spite of her mood. "And I very much appreciate it. No doubt, once word gets out, I'll be needing all the friends I can get because I fear that any I shared with Gordon will be firmly on his side."

"Surely that won't happen, will it?"

Penelope shrugged but declined to comment, leaving Theo to fill in the blanks.

"You think they'll blame you for this." It wasn't a question so much as a statement, he knew the answer already. It was clear that she was willing to throw herself upon her sword and shoulder all the blame for the disintegration of their relationship no matter what he said. "You weren't the one to call it a day, he was."

"No, but it's as good as if I had done it myself. Because I'm relieved that he did it, it meant that I didn't have to be the one to break his heart any more than I already have."

"But they can't blame you for that, there were two people in the relationship, everyone else will see that too, you won't lose them as friends, that would be ridiculous."

"Family loyalty will always win over professional courtesy."

A thought nagged away at him, though he felt horrible even giving it the brain power. But he couldn't help but wonder if she was more worried about losing her position as London Agent to International Rescue than her relationship with the Tracy family.

"How is that going to work?" he asked cautiously. He didn't want to make things worse but knew she had to think about it . "The whole International Rescue thing?"

"That, my dear, is the million-pound question and something I worried about for our entire relationship. It was the main reason that I was so against being with Gordon in the first place," she said with a defeated little sigh, her long, emotional night catching up with her. "The truth is that I do not know. I can only hope that they will still see me as a friend, or at the very least still trust me as an ally, rather than thinking of me as the bitch that broke their brother's heart. But, if they can't, then I can only assume that my time with International Rescue will be over too."

They would be crazy to let her go, he thought. It wasn't just out of loyalty to his oldest friend, but cold, hard logic. She was the best in their field and had been an invaluable asset to the International Rescue organisation, they needed her. If they let something like this affect their working relationship, they would be cutting their noses off to spite their face. But, in reality, logic rarely came into it when family was concerned and the Tracys, he knew, were the most close-knit of families. Their loyalty and love for each other were unrivalled, nothing or no one was allowed to hurt someone they loved without the entire family getting involved.

The only thing that might help would be Penny coming down off her high horse and explaining all of the things that she had just told him to the one it involved. Surely, if Gordon was the kind of man that Theo thought he was, he would listen to her and try to understand things from her point of view. It would still hurt, but then he would at least know why, and that would go a long way towards soothing both his bruised ego and his broken heart.

"You're going to have to talk to him at some point," Theo said gently, but with a note of firmness she couldn't ignore. "You owe him that much at least. He deserves to know how you feel and to have a fighting chance to understand."

"I know," Penny said quietly, "and I will."

"Sooner rather than later?"

"Yes, soon. But not tonight, tonight I just want to drink."

Theo knew there was no point in delaying the inevitable any longer. If she wanted to numb the pain by drinking herself into oblivion, then he would be there for her, even if it was just to put her to bed and make sure she didn't suffer too much in the morning.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Then let me pour you another."