Title: Breathless

Author: Laurie is me a.k.a. revolution25(on livejournal)

Rating: PG-13 (adult themes)

Spoilers: Written for the Sunnydale High years, not specific beyond that.

Summary: Xander has a crisis of faith and Buffy helps him through it. Based of the song 'Reluctant man' but it's NOT a song fic, the lyrics will not be showing up in the story.

Breathless Chapter 1

Xander wasn't ready for any of this. He wanted to help, because it had affected him personally, his friend had been put in danger and he would do anything to help him. But it was too late, and now for some reason he chose to stay and help Buffy fight the 'good fight.'

Xander stood in his bathroom trying to look into the image he saw there, trying to figure out what he had become. He looked down to his torso and gingerly touched his ribs that were now covered in dried blood. Out on patrol tonight he had been hurt, bad. He was sure a rib or two was cracked, but he said nothing and just buttoned up his peacoat so no one could see the blood as they continued on their patrol.

They couldn't know how hurt he was because he needed them to think he could handle it. But the truth was that he couldn't. He was fighting because it was right, but it was a fight he was never ready for. He felt as if he were loosing himself each night they patrolled or researched the next demon that was killing the student body. His jokes and goofing off covered up the fact that he was really hurt. It had always worked. It worked with his parents, with the teachers at school, even with Willow. Sometimes he wondered if she would still be his friend if she knew that he wasn't so happy go lucky, that on the inside it felt as if he were drowning, gasping for what little air was left.

As he looked at his ribs he never felt more like a boy in a man's body. He felt as if his skin didn't fit, as if what was underneath wasn't ready to wear it. He wasn't ready. He couldn't do this.

He was gasping but no air was coming.

He took the wet washcloth that was sitting in the sink and lightly tried to get off the blood. He began to cry from the pain to his ribs or the pain he felt inside he didn't rightly know, most likely both.

This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to coast through high school and get a job that helped no one, then die with not many people caring. Now his life centered around evil. He was still a 'nobody' that few people cared about, that's what was so frustrating. Everyone else had a destiny, a secret about them that made them great, that made them worth something.

He wasn't meant to fight like this; it wasn't his fight. Why did everyone expect him to do it? Why did everyone just expect to see him across from them studying on Fengori demons? Why couldn't they see he wasn't ready for this, that he was weak and he had nothing to offer them?

He looked back at his reflection, red eyes stared back at him, the dried blood was mostly gone but there were traces of red from where the blood wasn't totally cleaned off.

This wasn't him, this wasn't his fight, he wasn't ready for any of this; it was killing him from the inside out.

Beside the others he felt like nothing, and now he wished he couldn't feel anything. He had to back out. He needed to tell them he couldn't do this anymore, and that he was just going back to being nothing, fighting for nothing.

The next day at school Xander avoided Buffy and Willow, it wasn't that difficult, he just steered clear of the library. During classes he sat where all the desks around him were occupied, wore headphones before class, and gave his full attention to the teachers when they were speaking. The only time that he had to go out of his way to hide was during lunch, and then he had to eat down in the boiler room.

Either the boiler room was a great hiding place, or no one was looking for him. Either way just to be safe after school he hid in the woods, somewhere no one would look for him.

He wouldn't have to keep this up for long, he figured he would have to do this for a week, by then they would get the hint without him having to tell them he was a big fat scaredy-cat.

It wasn't until three weeks later that he felt comfortable being in public places after school without either of them bothering him. At school they had become indifferent to Xander, when he was at his locker and they were at theirs they didn't even look at him.

He stood up on the balcony at the bronze watching the dance floor and band. Everyone seemed happy, content, but he knew that they were really just blissfully ignorant. They didn't know the dangers that lurked in the dark, some probably just outside the bronze.

He had gotten what he wanted, he was out of the fight, but he hated that it cost him the two people he was closest to. He had caught glimpses of them, making sure there were no bruises or broken bones. They seemed happy. Actually they seemed perpetually happy. He was glad for it, but he hated it at the same time. Did he mean so little to them? Was his presence really not needed on patrols? Was he really worth nothing to them?

Clouded with thoughts of Buffy and Willow, Xander decided to leave the Bronze, taking the long way home. He needed the fresh air, but more importantly he needed to be away from his parents. His father had made up a cute little nickname for him 'you little nothing,' probably because he couldn't remember Xander's name, while his mother just drank and cried.

That night was cooler than it had been all that week and Xander was thankful for it. Xander, trying not to think, was interrupted by a scream for help.

Without thinking Xander went towards it, he saw someone he knew to be in high school with him (though her name escaped him) being attacked by a vampire. He ran towards them and pulled the vampire off of her.

"Bite someone your own size!"

Xander patted his coat for a stake, then he remembered he didn't bring one, thinking he didn't need one anymore.

The vampire attacked Xander, and as they were pushing and pulling Xander yelled to the girl, "Run, now!"

Awkwardly at first then with great speed she did so, leaving Xander alone with a vampire and nothing to protect him.

Xander and the vampire continued punching and kicking, but soon enough the vampire got the better of him and pinned him down to the ground then punched him soundly on the head. Xander was in a complete daze, yet he did feel the tear of skin, and the cold of the blood leaving his body.

Being drained of life by this vampire felt as if the vampire was draining him of the ability to feel anything. The odd thing was that in a way Xander was relieved. Relieved that he would never have to avoid the people who meant the most to him, relieved that he no longer had to ignore the world falling apart, and relieved that he would stop drowning. Maybe now he could be at peace.

He then heard the voice of the girl he saved, which crushed him; why would she come back?

Then he felt something he didn't expect, the draining feeling was gone, and he coughed the ash of the vampire. He felt warm hands press something to the bite. He knew he was going to faint soon, but he wanted to hold on to ask her why she would come back when the vampire could have killed her too.

Instead he heard the last thing he thought he would.

"Xander!" he heard Buffy's voice as clear as day.

Then without warning he felt consciousness slip away from him.