Disclaimer: I do not own the main character, however the female character is purely fictional from my mind. The song featured is 'Hospitality' by Funeral For a Friend.
HospitalityForget the letters just sleep sound tonight
Pull back the covers without a fight
But as we dance by emergency light
I fail to swallow my tongue
And I'm still here bleeding
She shuffled through them again. Over and over again. Staring down at the words formed on the paper. 'I'll love you forever' they said. She couldn't believe he hadn't told her. For months it must have played on his mind. She liked to think it had hurt him to have to lie to her.
He could see her, barely, but he could. Everything was such a blur now. Each day merged with the next- and for that eternity he watched her suffer by his side. He just wished he could tell her. There was so much he wanted to say. He needed to explain.
And all he wanted to do was die. He wanted it to be over for her and for him. He couldn't stand lying there, unable to move, unable to talk, but so very able to think. There was so much he wished he could undo. So much that, in his life, he'd been too stubborn to admit was wrong.
The room grew quiet and cold and he knew she was gone. She'd finally gone home to a bed that she refused to sleep in. She'd told him that. She said she couldn't go to sleep knowing he wasn't next to her. He wanted so much to take her into his arms and tell her that it was okay. He wanted to return home and be with her every night for eternity, but it wasn't going to happen. So, he wanted the next best thing. For it all to be over so no one had to hurt. It wasn't selfish thinking. Not for once.
Oh, as we dance on this memory
A light left blinking on it's own
And my blood is flowing
Down through this machine
In hope and desire in hope I expire
She sat where she always did at night. On the sofa with her eyes transfixed on the phone, forever in fear that she would receive the call that she'd been dreading. The call to say that he was gone. And she never would have had the chance to say goodbye.
There was still something inside her that held the hope that he'd get better. She'd seen recognition in those eyes. She knew that he could hear her. And she knew, more than anyone, what he wanted. He didn't need to be able to tell her. She could see it in his eyes. That dull, faraway look that told her he'd given up. He didn't want to fight anymore. But she was determined to hold on, for him. Maybe he'd given up, but she wasn't ready to, not yet. She was tired and empty but she had a small amount of fight left in her and she wasn't about to give that up.
He had been the best thing that had ever happened to her. She'd looked into those dreamy eyes and she'd been hooked. There wasn't a single thing about him she didn't love. She'd always laughed at the way he did his hair- that funny little quiff- but really, she even loved that.
Turn off this machine
'Cause this is the only thing that's keeping me alive
Turn off this machine
'Cause this is the only thing that's keeping me alive
He wanted to go quietly. He wanted her to be by his side but he didn't want her to cry. It killed him to see her cry. All he needed for her to do was switch off the machine. It wasn't him. He went when his body did. He'd done a lot of thinking already and he couldn't stand to do anymore. He'd found peace with himself but now there was nothing. The only solace he got when he heard her voice. Only then could he take his mind off of things and remember the good times.
He could remember their first kiss, the feel of her heart thumping in her chest as their bodies met. That was what was precious to him. The past. There was no future for him. They both knew it, but he knew as much as it hurt her to see him like this, it was harder for her to say goodbye.
So pull this switch and see my body twitch
As we dance on this memory
Despair has devoured me whole
A seed wont grow from this soul
This pill wont cure my disease
Can't you kill this beating heart.
When he finally fell asleep he slipped back into the dream he'd been having so frequently recently. He was holding her in his arms and she was sleeping. He'd stroke the hair away from that beautiful face and her eyes would slowly flutter open. He'd tell her everything he needed to say. How much he loved her, how sorry he was that she had to go through this. All he'd said in the letter but more. He begged her to end his life.
'Please, Jess, let me go. I can't stand it anymore, I hate seeing you like this and I hate being like this. You need to help me. You know there's nothing they can do. I don't want to lose you either. But this has to be. Please.' Tears streamed from those brilliant blue eyes and she shook her head.
'I can't do that, Smithy. You know I can't. I need you here with me. Why can't you be with me?'
He was crying, pleading with her. 'I can't. God I wish I could.' He stopped, unable to continue, choking on the words. 'But this is the only way it can be now. I need you to let go for me if not for yourself.'
'I love you.' She whispered before reaching across to the machine.
Each and every time he slipped away, and each and every time he woke to find himself still lying on that hospital bed.
Please nurse my batteries are running low
Please nurse oh I think I'm running low
Left here swallowed by this fear
That you will always keep me here
To close your eyes and pray for this to go away
He could see the nurse and he tried again to catch her gaze. She never looked him in the eye. If she looked him in the eye then she saw the pain. And then it got to her.
He needed for her to see his humanity. She needed not to. He was fighting a losing battle. If she looked elsewhere then she was always in control and she could do her job. And that was what she intended to do.
It wasn't her fault that he was like this. And there was nothing she could do either, other than to make him comfortable. He would never be comfortable.
Cause I'm not angry, tired or sore
More of a man than I was before
Is this the cause I'm looking for?
Before he'd always believed that his uniform could protect him from the world. Protect him from his own genes. He'd put on that uniform and he was super sarge, the infallible. He hadn't realised that it wouldn't last forever. He hated it when someone from the station came to visit him. Gina had been in a few times and he couldn't stand it. He didn't like her to see him so vulnerable. He hated that look of pity in her eyes. The way she saw him beneath that uniform, the way she'd never quite seen him before. Granted, she had seen a lot of his insecurities, but she'd never seen him so exposed. So helpless.
But now that he looked at things he realised he had moved on from that. He realised now that the uniform was nothing more than that. It gave him nothing that could save him. And he realised how much of his life he had wasted thinking that he would have forever because he was one of the untouchables. He could have done so much. But now he'd seen the error of his ways. He knew at that moment that it was time to let go.
I plead forgive me
'Cause I'm no martyr
Is this the cause I'm looking for?
He looked up to see her standing beside him. She was holding his hand. He was even robbed of the warmth of her touch. He noticed he'd been crying when she wiped the tears away from his cheeks. Her lip was quivering and tears were streaming down her face as well. She knew what she had to do. It was plainer in his eyes than ever before.
'Thank you for all of the time we had together. I know I owe it to you to do this. I don't want to but…' she paused, gathering herself together, "I love you so much, I know you can hear me and I need you to know that." His eyes told her that he did. "Goodbye Smithy. I'll never forget you. Not ever."
'I love you too. I wish you could hear me.' She turned to the nurse and nodded to her that it was time.
She was in his arms again; he stroked the hair away from her face and again her eyes fluttered open. He could smell her hair as he pulled her closer to him. He could feel the pounding of her heart. 'Please don't hurt. Please don't mourn me. I will be with you forever…' he told her.