Title: The Real Version Of The Bible
Author: Kitsunegari-1995
Disclaimer: HA!
Summery: The real story of Jesus is in here…
Back in the Biblical times, when "Jesus" was "Alive", everyone was a pot-head. That includes Jesus. Jesus was born in what was soon to become Mexico. Everyone says he was born in Jerusalem, but I know it was in Mexico because I am GOD! I put him there. It actually took me a couple million years to create earth, what with all the evolution and all.
Anyways, when Jesus, which is actually said with a Mexican accent, got older, he became a pot smoking carpenter. He was pretty hot too. Nice abs. He had like a 40 pack! It was awesome. Well, when the Romans went off on there killing rampage, they took Jesus with them. Jesus' nickname was Julio then, so I'll call him Julio from now on. They wanted to "crucify" Julio. So him and all his buddies (apostels) got some good stuff, and started to get baked, they were all sad. Man did they have a good time though. I wish I wasn't a dove so I could go get baked too.
When they were all getting baked, Julio saw a hot "mama ceta" (Mary Magdalene) at the edge of the room at this party that just completely came out of nowhere, and started talking to her. She was all like up on him, and then said that she wanted some wine. Julio told her that they didn't have any of that stuff so he got her a glass of water, but when he touch the water it turned into wine! Of course they were all stoned so they didn't know it was only water and the colour of the cup it was in was making it look darker like red wine. It was crazy.
The next night, Julio and all his homies were being chased through the forest by gang bangers, cause you know they all had gang bangers back then. They apparently wanted Julio's weed, and you know Julio had some good shit too. That was just how he rolled.
After that he went into hiding because those gang bangers were getting real bad. They even trashed Virgin Mary's crib man! They really wanted that shit. He went hiding at Mary Magdalene's. And damn did they get down and dirty. I was a little mad at that one…
After a couple of days Julio his pot buddies and his new ho', went out to smoke some bad ass blunts, and got totally stoned. All of them got stoned, and Julio and his apostles were walking down the street. It was right after it started raining, and Jesus walked in the middle of this huge puddle! All his boys were like… "Dude…. Julio just walked on water, mannnn". Hence the Jesus walking on water bit in the bible you Romans wrote.
Finally, the Romans found him after sailing 4 months to get to Mexico. Because they all had really fast Roman ships back then. They were all stoned though, so it made it seem like it was 3 days… But….this never happened because they were all so stoned that the people that wrote the so called word of GOD got it wrong.
What really happened was, Julio, his apostles, and his ho', were in their bong house, and Julio got so stoned that he blacked out. They all thought he was dead. So they all carried him to this huge hole in a wall, and set him in it. They then covered the hole up with a big bolder and left him there.
The next day Julio woke up and it was really dark, he was all like "were am I?" and moved the bolder to find his buddies. "How the heck did I get in there?" he was asking. When he found them he was like, "What the hell, man! Why did I wake up in a hole!"
His guys just stared at him in aw. Because they were of course, stoned. They pointed at him and said simultaneously: "Dude."
And that's the story of my son. Jesus, or Julio.
Oh, and why are you guys bashing on my man, Dan Brown. He's tight ass, Man! Good novels too. You should go read them. I put him on the earth to write that book. It was my will Damn it! He was right about everything he put in that book. Except for the stoner part. He forgot to put that one in.