It's the final term of this year. I passed my midterms and got second place. Yaoyorozu was first, Katsuki was third, and Midoriya was fourth. I guess it's a lot easier to retain information when you don't feel miserable with every waking moment.
I congratulated Yaoyorozu for ranking first again with a perfect score, and she eventually mentioned that she got professional help and was starting to feel a little bit better. She thanked me for that and congratulated me for getting second place. With fake sincerity, I told her I was happy for her and glad to know she was doing better.
It's been snowing, and it reawakened a question I've held like a dying lightbulb: can I scrape off the ice numbing my senses and feelings into nothing? I think about this on and off. I feel like I scrape my nails on this ice until my fingers are raw and bloody, but there's not even a scratch or dent that I've left on the ice. It was so easy to want this state, but trying to get out of it is arguably the most difficult journey I've been through, and it's not even over. I don't think it'll be over soon. Then again, do I really want to feel something again? Or is this just my longing to experience something that gives me a breath of fresh air? What do I really get out of being sad? Angry? Happy? I know the answers. I know, but it's just not worth it to me. Then again, can I call this living? Where everything is the same and I don't care about anyone or anything? I don't know. My greatest enemy truly is myself.
It was my birthday yesterday, and I didn't even remember that until Katsuki said happy birthday to me. I'm sixteen now. I don't feel any different than yesterday or the day before that. Well, except for one thing: I have a terrible hangover. I remember grabbing a drink and thinking: "Fuck it. Today is a forgettable day anyway. I wasn't beaten for no reason. Just because I existed, my own father wanted to beat the shit out of me." Well, I drank too much. My tolerance has definitely gone down because I've been drinking less.
Apparently, I was throwing up in the bathroom for a while, and I kept pushing Katsuki away. I told him I didn't need him, and that he was bothering me. He knew I was wasted, and he didn't leave my side, but I kept telling him that he was unnecessary and unwanted. He asked me why, knowing I wasn't in my right mind, and I don't disagree with what I said: "I don't need you in my life."
He told me about what happened today, and he looked very sad. I reminded him that I was drunk, and I told him I didn't have any recollection of that. He was clearly still hurt, even though he tried to let go of it. I told him that I thought I could handle how much I drank without any issues, but my body disagreed since I'd been drinking less. He still looked broken because of what I said. I don't understand. I know the words were hurtful, but he knew I was drunk. Therefore, they shouldn't mean anything, and he shouldn't be sulking over it. Right?
I wouldn't have a problem saying hurtful things like that to him or anyone in my life, but I choose not to. In the past, I would've felt too guilty to do it. But things are different now. Just like the rain freezing into the snow that's falling outside, my emotions went cold. They used to run through me, pouring down my face, filling up my lungs, swimming through my veins. Now, I have nothing left to cry out with, whether that be by tears or shouts. I can no longer feel the pain burning through my chest, even though, no matter how hard I try to cough up the things that were suffocating me, nothing but my breath leaves my body. The blood in my veins is cold, and I don't feel human for being the way that I am
What replaced the person I used to be? What is it that's living in my chest? Where did 'I' go? Is he buried beneath all this snow? I can hear his heartbeat, but I can't find him.
Hey, Katsuki… Would you still love me if I told you I hated you and wished you were dead? That's not what I think, but I can't help but wonder how much your love for me has twisted your thoughts.