Chapter 11
Riza and Maes came running out of the church as the settlement recovered from the plunder, dead bodies laying everywhere. They were met by the children running towards them in tearfulness.
"What happen, kids?" asked Riza.
"The mean people took away mommy!" cried one mini-Winry.
"What! Who?"
A group of people were carrying the injured Ed, bleeding and holding his side.
"It was the Clayton gang! They came in and took that poor girl!" said a woeful elderly woman.
"I tried… I tried…" Ed could barely talk.
"Sit down and rest."
Maes grabbed a horse, as did Riza. No more jokes for him.
"Let's go, Hawkeye."
In the carriage, Winry was coming to as the gang looked over the loot. Gluttony popped in holding a bloody calf leg.
"Want some, anybody?"
They just backed away.
"Where I am? What happened to Ed?"
"Oh, Ed's fine," said Greed. "All twenty thousand pieces of him."
The gang chuckled evilly as Winry buried her head in her hands.
"Boo-freaking-hoo," said Envy.
"Can I eat his pieces?" Fatman wanted to jump off.
They had three identical carriages trailing behind them, carrying everything they took. Lookouts were sitting on top, playing cards, when they saw the agents coming up.
"Look!"
They readied their weapons and started firing like mad, but they weren't very accurate, as the agent's horses were swerving back and forth, side to side at mangled angles. A way to dodge the bullets. You know the henchmen can't fire straight. Hawkeye, on the other hand, hit every target with a pump shotgun. She fired, spun it around to reload, and fired again. Men fell off like fleas, either hitting the ground or getting trampled by the horses.
"My turn."
Maes took this moment to ride up to the rear-most carriage driver, just as he was grabbing a gun. Maes chopped his hand off with a dagger and stabbed him in the chest, then threw a suriken at the passenger. With no one to steer the horses, the carriage quickly went out of control, and crashed into a rock wall that Hughes narrowly dodged.
The gang heard the gunshots and looked outside at the attack.
"Hawkeye Jane and Bill the Blade?" asked Envy. "What the hell are they doing here?"
"Yeah!" shouted Winry.
Greed started to smirk dastardly.
"They won't be around for long."
He opened the skylight door and climbed on top.
"Boss? What..?"
He pushed them off harshly and sat down, whipping out a set of those .357s. The guys behind them were whooping like cheerleaders.
"Get 'em, Clayton!"
Oh, were they surprised. He just fired off those pistols wildly at the horses, chunks of flesh flying off. An entire head was split in two. The beasts buckled under, dragged onto the ground, and hit a half-buried boulder, flipping it up and onto its top!
The henchmen were crushed to death.
"I love these guns!"
"Holy shit!"
"Look out!"
"Whoa!"
The carriage in the middle couldn't stop in time. It smashed into the remnants and bombed into shards just as the agents were riding up to it. They dodged it right in the nick of time, as wooden missiles were shooting out everywhere, one right at Maes!
"Look out!"
He unsheathed the katana and sliced it clean in half, breathing a sign of relief. Greed was furious when they emerged from the dust.
"They just keep comin'!" he said as he climbed back in.
"Then throw some stuff out!" yelled Envy.
"No stuff! No stuff!" Greed held on to that crap like a woman.
Wrath grabbed Winry.
"No woman! No woman!"
Then they all looked up.
"Gluttony!" In unison.
They chucked the calf off the roof, as Gluttony wept like a baby. It still didn't stop them. So, they heaved out a bag full of dynamite, lit one, and threw it out. It hit the ground and exploded in a powerful burst, right in Riza's path. She jumped off the horse and was grabbed by Hughes, who then hoisted her up.
"Thanks."
"Its what I do."
"Take a shortcut on the left of this rock ridge."
"What?"
"Do it."
He followed suit hesitantly, and rode behind it. They're escape was blocked by the explosion, so the gang lost their whereabouts.
"I think they're gone," said Gluttony.
"And up ahead is the train," Lust pointed.
The carriage stopped as they all sprinted towards the locomotive, which was also black. Winry was carried by Gluttony, beating wildly on his fat.
"Put me down!"
"My fat blocks all!"
The train whistled to life and chugged slowly, gaining speed down the tracks. Meanwhile, the two agents crossed the tracks as the smoke from the tower was smoking out.
"Oh, I see," said Hughes.
"Told you."
They rode behind another ledge and stopped in front of a boulder cut at an odd 45 degree angle. They ran on top of it as the train sped by and jumped off, landing solidly on the train's roof. They ran downwind towards a band of henchmen waiting. Riza took the initiate, dropped down, and started to fire off those rounds. Maes leapt over her and kicked down a couple of the guys, then unleashed the katana. He sliced one foe, spun, stabbed another, slashed up, and sliced a head off. Shots were being fired, so he used some human shields, and threw some shurikens, all hitting some flesh.
"I got a surprise."
Hughes pulled out what looked like an ordinary tether line, but on the end, was a four-bladed star. He swung that thing around in a chain-like fashion, faster and faster.
"Now, watch this."
He launched that line out and hit one assailant clear in the eye, then retracted and twirled around, launching it again, slitting some throats along the way. In and out. In and out. The line managed around a neck, chocking the victim. Instead of a slow, painful way out, the blade was pulled back with such force that the head ripped back like a Pez dispenser, except the trachea came out and not candy.
"Looks like you're having fun," Hawkeye cried out.
"I feel like a kid at a candy store!"
He wouldn't feel anything with that tunnel coming. And with the guy behind him wielding a hatchet. He saw the shadow behind him and ran towards ax man.
"Mighty, mighty, jump!"
He kicked the guy forward just as Maes fell on his back. Ax man smashed into the wall and fell onto the tracks. As the tunnel rushed over them and out of sight, Maes and Riza both jumped off at opposite ends, swung through the glass, and sandwiched two thugs just as they were walking past. Footsteps could be heard clopping down the aisle.
"Hey you!"
Maes held out hid arm: "Ladies first!"
Hawkeye fired a shot that tore through three men, then swung a cabin door outwards and into a face, which she then shot. Redundant, much? Meas was taking care of the forces at the rear, hacking and stabbing like an insane butcher. He had himself an axe he grabbed from one guy and flung it right in a man's leg. A henchman drove at him when…he pulled out a picture of his daughter?
"See my little girl?"
"Awww, so cute!"
He threw that guy out the window.
"Send me some flowers, okay?"
Out of all this time, the Clayton gang didn't hear a word. Gluttony was playing a phonograph of some farting sounds (don't ask). Greed, Envy, and Sloth were playing poker, while Wrath was cutting wood.
"What are you making?" asked Lust.
"My bad eye gives me the power to look into the future. Sometimes, I cut what I see."
Yeah, let's see. He had Roy getting mauled by a bear, Jean Havoc in a respirator, evil Lincoln with a chain saw, a mushroom cloud, JFK at the grassy knoll, and George W. Bush with a shotgun. Oh what fun. That fun was shattered when the guard standing at the door got his stomach blown out. Who walked in but Riza and Maes, glowing like angels.
" I knew you'd come to rescue me!"
Winry was tied up, finally.
"No they didn't," said Greed. "They came to die."
The battle began, with Maes jumping in and smashing into Greed, Lust and Envy dog-pile style. Envy kicked him in the face, as the momentum from it rolled Hughes back and on his feet. Greed fired at him with the .357s, which made Hughes dive for cover underneath a pool table. The claws of Lust shot through the wood, and she rolled it over, only for Hughes to kick her in the ankles and topple her over. He got back up and started jabbing that sword at Envy, but the wily freak pivoted past every stroke and swing. He twisted the blade when the fighter jumped up and deflected off of the roof. He caught the blade with his palms and kicked Maes into a chair. Family man rolled backwards and fired two knives, which Envy blocked with the sword. The trusty tether line wrapped around the blade, and Maes tugged, forcing Envy forward, right into a fist.
He had them by the ropes.
Riza had the upper hand as well. Gluttony ran over to crush her, but she just moved out the way, and tripped him up, making him crash into Wrath, whom was coming from behind. A whip ropped around her neck, chocking her. In response, Hawkeye shot that whip in half, forcing Sloth back. Wrath leapt up, mouth wide open, ready to bite down on the gunslinger's throat. She just kicked him like football, and then he bashed in Gluttony. He accidentally chomped down on the fat one's crotch.
"Youch, my balls!"
Sloth was wrapping things around a desk with her whip and flinging them out like rockets, big things like the lamp, pen knife, clock, etc. Hawkeye shot those projectiles in target-practice fashion, then booted the desk onto her waist, squeezing her diaphragm. Wrath ran over to help his "mommy", but Riza grabbed him by the ankles and smashed him through the desk.
In short, the gang was losing pretty badly, so they had a radical idea. Why not switch places and attack in a different way? Yes, common sense was low. Greed approached Riza, whom responded by firing off. Unbeknownst to her, he had a steel plate nestled onto his chest, so the bullets just cracked off. With her main assets down, Envy came in for the kill, kicking the heroine hard in the ribs as Sloth wrapped her wrists up with the whips. Simultaneously, Hughes' daggers just bounced off Gluttony. His fat is where it's at! Wrath intercepted at our hero's left side, so he tossed a suriken. The boy caught it in his mouth, chewed it up, and spit it out!
"I need my iron!" Bad, that was bad.
Lust was slashing at the man wildly with claws, as Hughes was stepping backwards to dodge. He almost stumbled over an ottoman as Wrath, came up from behind and gorged right into his right leg!
"Ouch. Get off!"
He socked the kid in the face, right off the flesh. The pain shot up his nerves as the killing blow came speeding. Lust thrusted the claws into Maes' chest!
"No!" cried Winry.
He yelped out in agony, a smirk on the whore's face appearing. But another surprise. The claws would not penetrate! Ames opened his dress shirt to reveal a metal covering that protected his torso! The agents both had them, a precursor to the bullet-proof vest. Paid by tax dollars of course. Even if anyone found out, they wouldn't care.
He faked them out real good. Unfortunately, he was knocked out by Gluttony's huge forearm.
"Maes!"
The cry from Hawkeye was answered by Envy's kick in the face, which rendered her down for the count. So now the Clayton gang won, carrying out Winry, still tied, to the chair, as a consolation prize. They locked the car door shut behind them as they made their way to the front engine room. The train was now trailing to top of a bridge that connected two cliff sides, a river running hundreds of feet below. The conductor was surprised when the bandits came barreling in.
"We need to go faster!" yelled Envy.
"But sir, we can't accelerate. We don't have enough fuel."
Greed picked him up and threw him into the smoking fire pit. The conductor was incinerated into a crisp.
"Moving now, isn't it?"
The gang roared with laughter as Gluttony hobbled down and pulled the lever on one of the train's connecting mechanisms (you know, those big clamps?), releasing the car that Meas and Riza were still knocked out in. The metal snake slowed to a halt on the bridge, as that bag of dynamite returned, Greed carrying it like Santa. He lit the entire bagful, then tossed them onto the tracks! When the flame ate the whisks down to the red sticks' core, a blossom of light, sound, and combustion spewed out. The explosion was so powerful that the front end of the rested part of the locomotive tore into pieces, peeling in two. The bridge buckled and sagged under the great force as the vehicle careened on it's side and bellowed to the depths below. The spine smashed onto the rocks and the river, smoke hissing out. Winry couldn't bear to watch as her saviors met their fiery end. She covered her lovely face and wept in despair. She realized that she would never see her family again.
"Happy landings!"
"Can I eat their bodies?"
"That bastard broke my nail!"
"I gotta pee."
"Now you'll be my mommy forever! And your stupid family will burn in Hell forever!"
Greed laughed.
"He cursed. That's funny. Let's go get some pie."