He almost cannons into his father when he leaves the kitchen two nights later. He blinks. They are only centimeters apart, but he is hesitant to take a step back.

"Sorry" he mumbles.

"You're back" Fugaku states and makes a step back himself. Sasuke watches him warily.

"Yeah…"

"So? Where are we going to sit today?"

He can see a half-smile on his father's face and he snorts quietly.

"I don't really have preferences."

"The porch, then."

They sit down, watching the roses that slowly bloom in the corner of the garden, one after another. They dance with the unreal wind, shading the old walls.

"How does time go by here?" Sasuke asks, hypnotized by the moving shadows.

"It's hard to tell. Night never comes. But I would say that there are only a few hours between your visits. Certainly not days."

"I see" he mumbles. He waits for a moment to see if his father opens his mouth, but the man seems to be lost in his own thoughts. "So…"

"So?"

"Maybe you'd like to start today" he suggests slowly.

"If you want me to" his father murmurs. "In fact, last time we spoke, you said something that made me wonder. It did not occur to me until that moment."

"What was it?"

"You were right when you said that I did not take you into account while planning the outcome of the massacre."

"…"

"As much as I want to say that I didn't forget about you while making plans… Well, I remembered about you. But it's true that I did not think much about your future. To say that it seemed irrelevant back then would be a bit of a stretch. But it seemed… secondary. I thought that it was not something that needed to be planed diligently. It didn't seem… potentially threatening."

"You really gave it none of your thoughts?" he asks quietly.

"I knew you would be… sad. We were all going to end up dead, I knew you would miss us. But I honestly believed that Itachi would handle you better than me. So I left it to him" he leans his head against the wooden pillar in contemplation. "Somehow, everything that I could predict back then was that you were going to become an orphan who would miss his family. I honestly don't know what I have thought. You were never a kind, peaceful child your brother was. It was ridiculous to expect that you would just accept all of it."

Sasuke watches the man with a corner of his eye. A quick thought passes through his head. But it is not it. His father is not trying to manipulate him. He just…

"Are you… admitting that you miscalculated?"

"I guess."

"…why."

Fugaku's brows furrows when he turns to look at him.

"Because… we are currently trying to understand each other. I am trying to listen to what you say and to how you see things. Our perspectives differ, so I analyze yours. Isn't that what you wanted me to do?"

"Yeah, but… You didn't seem interested" he says carefully. He can sense his father's uncertainty.

"I did not really feel the need to, until I saw you losing control over yourself" Sasuke feels a wave of embarrassment at these words. "Earlier I have thought that you did not understand what the massacre was about. What Itachi's actions were about. I was reluctant to reveal it to you… But when it happened and you still stuck to your opinion, I understood that I should at least give it some thoughts. It did not come out of nowhere, after all."

Sasuke stares at him for ten long seconds before he dares open his mouth.

"But… it doesn't mean that you consider my actions somehow justified."

"…no. I am still… analyzing what you said about why you did what you did. I don't consider it a safe subject for a discussion at the moment. That is, if we want to avoid confrontation."

"I guess I would rather not argue."

"But there is that one thing that keeps nagging me whenever we speak" he says. "And it's about you and Itachi."

"About me feeling inferior to him?"

"About you thinking that I chose him over you."

Sasuke almost smirks and lets out a snort. Here we go again…

"Good luck."

"Are you being sarcastic again?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Do you still believe that you treated us equally?"

"I did not treat you the same, I admit that. But I still claim that I did not side with any of you."

"All right. Give me examples."

"Examples?"

"Yes. You will show me situations – or your thoughts – that support your claim. Later, I will give you my own examples to illustrate that you, in fact, did choose Itachi over me. It seems fair enough."

"…"

"Do you want to start?"

"You want us to throw accusations at each other? Is it about a number? Be serious, Sasuke."

"No. I am just very sure that I know the outcome of this conversation. It will give us absolutely nothing."

"If you're already determined not to consider what I say then you are right, it's pointless. But I want you to listen to what I want to say. So?"

Sasuke almost says no. Almost. But if he does, it will mean that he is the one who makes it impossible for them to come to an agreement.

"Fine, whatever."

"Sasuke…" his father warns.

"Okay, I will listen. I promise" he murmurs, averting his eyes.

"Sasuke, please."

"You know why it's ridiculous to talk about it? That's because you yourself gave many examples of unequal treatment of the two of us during our meetings. You admitted that it seemed more important to spend time with Itachi as he was to become the clan leader. In your eyes, I did not deserve this much attention. You said it was okay for Itachi to be a genius, but not for me. No" he points his finger at his father, who is already opening his mouth. "You may have hoped for a better life for me or whatever, but that was not all, I refuse to believe that you would be fine with me ever surpassing Itachi. Fortunately, you didn't live long enough to see it."

"If you surpassed you brother, I would be nothing less than proud of you."

"Well, I did beat him. I beat Uchiha Madara, the Ten Tails and the ancient goddess. Without me, the shinobi world wouldn't exist anymore. It's more than Itachi could ever do. Are you proud of me?"

"I would be if you hadn't proved yourself a traitor even after the war."

"So my skills don't matter. Itachi's don't, either?"

"Itachi was a honorable, loyal individual who cared deeply for peace and wanted nothing more than to create a better world. You do not want me to make this comparison."

"Who was he loyal to? The Hokage? He spied on him for the clan. To the clan? He spied on them for the Hokage. To the Akatsuki? He spied on them for Konoha. Honorable? He completed missions for the most dangerous and most violent terrorist organization of our times, killing without a second thought" he almost spats out. "Truly, the new God of Shinobi."

"Were you any better?"

"I stayed loyal to my family. For your sake, I swore revenge on your executioner."

"Which was unnecessary. Your brother did much more by saving Konoha from us."

"What else, maybe he saved the Uchiha from themselves by killing them? Itachi wasn't loyal to you or to the clan. He was loyal to none of us. He didn't even know that he carried out your will when he murdered the clan. And yet, he still did it."

"He was loyal to you."

Sasuke stills for a moment. He can feel his heart accelerating when he tries not to yell the first curse that tugs on his tongue. All he knows is that his stare must have turned deadly because his father's eyes widen.

"Give me one example that shows his loyalty to me. If you can't, then take back what you've just said and don't make a fool of yourself."

"He let you live."

"It was not loyalty, it was his weak mind that couldn't bear a thought of killing his little brother or of the Uchiha clan's wrongdoings being revealed. He made me go through hell to feel better with himself. Such loyalty. I was a toy in his hands. If I had any chances to live a normal life after he murdered all of you, they disappeared when he made me chase him."

"He didn't make you do anything, Sasuke. You had a choice. And you made the wrong one."

It takes all his self-control to stay seated on the porch. He can hear his pulse in his ears when he clenches his teeth, biting his tongue to prevent himself from saying something too quickly.

"I can see why you said that you would rather not talk about it yet" he utters with difficulty.

"We can drop it for now, unless you have something to add."

"Are you mocking me right now?"

"I'm serious."

"Then before we touch this matter in the future, try to think of a way to explain to me just what choice I had back then."

His father pierces him with an attentive glare for a moment. What is he looking for? Does he feel his arising anger and consider what step to make? What words to choose?

"Correct me if I am wrong, Sasuke, but you could stay in the village instead of seeking out Orochimaru. No one told you to betray Konoha."

"I would have never had a chance to kill Itachi if I stayed. I needed a teacher who could train me to surpass one of the biggest prodigies in Konoha's history."

"Itachi wouldn't have killed you-"

"I. Did. NOT. KNOW. THAT. How many more times do I need to repeat that?!"

"He didn't force you-"

"Stop" Sasuke stands up from the porch and stops in front of his father, looking at him from above. "Last time we were here, in the garden, you said exactly the same thing and it made me livid. What makes you think that now I will react differently? What?"

"You said then that I had no idea what I was talking about, if I recall correctly" the man stays seated, but looks at him with his penetrating, unsettling eyes.

"Because you do not have ANY idea what you're talking about."

"Well, what exactly I have no idea about?" he asks, visibly tired. "Tell me."

He wants to. He really does. He wants nothing more than for his father to understand. But despite that the man seems to be willing to fight for their understanding… there is that voice on the back of his head that nags him not to bother because it is simply pointless.

"If you don't, I will only assume that you are speaking empty words, Sasuke" his father stands up and looks at him from the same level.

Sasuke looks away to escape those two sharp, sharp eyes that make him question his every thought.

"When you say that he didn't force me to do anything… do you even understand what it implies?" he asks silently. "It's like saying that it was a brilliant idea of my eight-years-old mind to swear a revenge on a brother I loved like no one else."

"I am not saying that it was your idea. But I am saying that it was your choice how to achieve this goal."

Are you.

"You're lying."

Fugaku raises his eyebrows in evident surprise.

"Excuse me?"

"Sure, you're pissed with me because I betrayed the village. But not any less than because I killed Itachi."

"I sincerely hope that you have enough of common sense not to expect me to be happy with you after hearing that you killed your brother" his father's tone is sharp and Sasuke can feel his heart jumping on every accented word.

"I followed Itachi's plan. It was his idea that I would be the one to end him."

"Killing him was pointless after you betrayed Konoha. That was no longer a suitable way to prove loyalty and honor of the Uchiha to the village."

"Well, Itachi knew very well that I deserted the village, but he didn't change his plans."

"Probably because he hoped that Konoha would accept you back if you killed him."

"And yet you're still mad at me. Not at Itachi. He could avoid this fight, but it was his choice not to. He could kill me, being as strong as he was, he could survive this fight, but it was his choice not to."

"So what you are trying to say is that, as it was Itachi's idea to let you kill him, I shouldn't be angry with you for acting exactly like he wanted you to act?"

"It would be logical."

"In that case, I will let myself be illogically angry with you. You killed your brother, Sasuke. You killed my son. I cannot just overlook that, no matter whose idea it was."

"You wouldn't be angry with Itachi if he had killed me along with the clan. You would think that his actions were justified. If he stood here now in front of you, you would tell him that it was fine."

Sasuke watches as his father opens his mouth to retort, but reluctantly restrains himself. He can see him sighing and closing his eyes.

"You would" he presses.

The man walks past him and makes a few steps in the garden. Sasuke turns around to watch him, leaning against the wooden pillar. Internally, he is shaking, but he is not going to reveal it to his father. Not when what he feels is not anger, but bitterness.

"He had a reason to kill you" his father says in a suffocated voice. "You were a risk to the village in his plan. But you, you had no logical reason."

"Uchiha Itachi was a wanted S-rank criminal. One that happened to kill my whole family and one that managed to harm the only people that became close to me. He worked for the organization that was a great threat to every Shinobi nation. Logical is all that killing him was. Although I will not pretend that the personal grudge wasn't crucial for my decision."

The man turns to look at him, visibly trying to keep his emotions hidden. And Sasuke feels helpless. Because he realizes that this time he is not wrong and it breaks him. It would be good to be wrong about things like this.

"Your brother was a hero of the village."

Sasuke lets himself contemplate his statement for a moment. Just so he can catch the full extent of those words.

"I wish I have known that."

"Yet you feel no remorse for killing him."

He furrows his brows, irritated with his father's tone. Accusing. Resentful. Stern.

"There is nothing that I regret more than killing Itachi. Deep down, I never truly wanted it. I unlocked my mangekyo when I saw him dying. But remorse is not what I feel. I am angry with Itachi because he made me kill him. He wanted death, because death would have been his salvation. Still, he had no right to demand it from me. No one knew the truth behind the massacre, the Uchiha clan was believed to be honorable anyway. But Itachi had a better idea. He wanted Konoha to see that the last Uchiha is loyal to them. It was so important that he carried out his plan even when it started to destroy me. Because some fucking honor and loyalty were more important than my life. Because Itachi was too much of a fucking coward to just cut his veins and bleed to death. His idealistic mind convinced him that he deserved punishment for killing his kin. And somehow, destroying the last living member of his family by making him perform the rightful execution, seemed to be a good idea."

His father is angry, he can see that. They are both playing with open cards now, attempts to avoid confrontations ultimately forgotten.

"So you are still going to affirm that Itachi is to blame for your own choices?"

"They were not my own choices. I had no choice. And you're changing the subject."

"I am not. One thing complements another. Not only do you think that your brother is to be blamed for your crimes, but also for his own death. As if he committed a suicide."

"It would have saved everybody much pain if he did."

"Sasuke!"

"It would have, don't deny it!"

"So you really think that if he had killed himself, you would have just shrugged it all off and live a happy life in Konoha, forgetting your revenge?!"

"And why wouldn't I have?!"

"Because your damn pride would have still been hurt and your arrogance would have led you to heavens know where!"

"It's so easy for you to assume wrongs when it comes to me, but somehow, Itachi is out of the reach of your accusations!"

"ITACHI deserves to be worshipped because of his sacrifice. One that you never even considered to make!"

"Since when does the end justify the means?!"

"It was not his choice to kill the clan, it was both my will and the orders he received that pushed him to massacre the Uchiha!"

"No one told him to destroy his little brother in the process!"

"Fuck, Sasuke, how EGOISTIC can you be?!" before he knows it, his father grabs his clothes and shakes him violently. "The village could perish in a civil war, your whole family was exterminated for the sake of peace, your brother committed his life to ensure Konoha's safety, your safety, and you still dare ask for more?!"

"All I ask for" he says through clenched throat "Is for my father to see me as a victim of those events. And not the sole reason for the failure of his plan."

"You are the main reason it was all for nothing!"

"What was for nothing?! How am I responsible for the coup no one deigned to inform me about?!"

"ANBU could just wiped us out and the outcome would have been more favorable! Your brother-"

"Your brother, your brother, EVERYTHING is about my brother! Itachi and his sacrifice! When will it occur to you that I was sacrificed too?!" he tears off his father's hands of his shirt violently and forces the man to take one step back. "My entire fucking life was marked with what you call Itachi's sacrifice, with his lies and the tortures he put me through! What was I if not a sacrifice in his plan?! Or is this word too sublime to describe my role, maybe fucking trash is more suitable?!"

"What makes you think that your brother had a choice?!"

"Itachi did have a fucking choice and that was being murdered along with everybody!"

"It would have led us to nowhere!"

"Because Itachi's plan led us to somewhere!"

"He couldn't know that!"

"He could change his tactic in the process!"

"There would have been no need if you had acted as it was expected from you!"

"Are you fucking DEAF?! Do you even listen to what I'm saying to you?! I did EXACTLY what Itachi wanted me to do!"

"He didn't want you to become a criminal!"

"Then he could fucking stop me!"

"You should have fucking stop yourself!"

"I COULDN'T!"

"Why?!"

"He would have never let me stop!" he yells, panting from the overwhelm of emotions. "You claim to know what he was thinking, but you now NOTHING, you know fucking NOTHING! You weren't there when he fed me lies, over your dead bodies, about his love for us being all an act! You weren't there when he toyed with me, letting me believe that he was going to kill me in a moment! You were fucking not there when he made me watch all of you dying in his tsukuyoumi for hours, for days! I was fucking eight and you would have expected me to watch my perfect big brother murdering my family, telling me lies, mentally torturing me and be able to see through it?! When no one in the village, no one who knew Itachi, could see the truth?! When he kept up that act for years and tortured me again?!"

"Such strong words you use, Sasuke. Do you even know what it means to be tortured?!"

"Like hell I don't when my nii-san made sure I experienced it!"

"What was so cruel in his tsukuyoumi that let you call it a torture? Seeing people being killed? For heaven's sake, Sasuke, we are shinobi!"

Sasuke exhales abruptly and stares at the man with eyes wide open because hell, his father did not just belittled the weightiness of the most traumatic experience in his life. It cannot be happening. He is speechless and watches his father's frowned face, his whole pose intimidating and furious and so utterly, unbelievably heartless and ignorant.

He takes a shaky step back and slowly sits on the porch with his head drooped so that he does not have to look at the man anymore. His eyes are strangely damp when he raises his hand to wipe his face and runs his fingers through his hair. He pulls one leg towards his chest and rests his forehead on his knee. Inhale and exhale. He needs to calm himself.

"That is the thing you can't forgive your brother? Is this what keeps us from coming to an agreement? That your brother made you scared? " he hears his father's sharp voice. He stays silent. He has no strength left to respond. "This is ridiculous, Sasuke. We have nothing to talk about here. I suggest you rethink your career choice, because there is no future for you in shinobi environment. You are not fit for such a lifestyle" the man climbs the porch and slides the screen loudly. "This conversation is over."

"Wait" he breathes out, but does not raise his head. "Don't just leave it like this."

"Like what."

"You still don't even try to understand any of it."

"All I can understand is that my son is arrogant and weak."

Sasuke bites his lip and clenches his fist. He slowly turns his head to look at the man, feeling how his throat clenches and makes it hard to speak.

"So you're going to ignore me because I'm weak?"

His father pierces him with angered glare, clenching his fingers on the doorframe. He does not respond immediately. He exhales loudly, shaking his head.

"Enough" he says wearily. "Go, wake up, Sasuke. I cannot take any more of this trash right now. Go somewhere quiet to think about all of this" with that he finally enters the house, sliding the screen shut.

Sasuke lets his body fall to the wooden floor. All he can hear is his shaky breath and his father's receding steps.

Weak he said. Sasuke is weak and he will not deny it ever again. But it is because of what happened to him over the years that he is now shaped like this. He was trying to cope with the tragedy that destroyed his life. And this was the best he could do.

He does not know how much time passes until some strength comes back to him and he is able to sit up again. He stares at the garden emptily, leaning against the wooden pillar.

His father is not going to talk to him right now, so he will not even try to engage him into a conversation. He slowly stands up and moves to the sliding screens of his study. The room is tidy as it has always been, papers, books and writing utilities on their right places. He contemplates one pen he remembers was used very often by his father. An old gift, his mother told him once. From a friend. But it did not matter what his name was, she said.

He reaches for it and enters the corridor, approaching the kitchen. There is a large, plain surface of paper screen not far from the door. He raises his hand and slowly draws words that turn into whole sentences.

I wish you could find it in yourself to understand how Itachi's actions destroyed me. I don't care if I'm weak. He left me shattered. I honestly doubt that it's possible for me to ever recover.

He keeps the pen hovering over the paper screen for a few seconds. He remembers every word he writes.

I am not going to deny you the right to be disappointed with me. But hear me out: I did not have a choice. Saying that I did have any is like claiming that you didn't force Itachi to kill the clan.

Can his father see the ink?

Hi:)

So, they escaped from my control. This chapter was supposed to be peaceful, like some bonding time and stuff, but NO. Sasuke had to push it.

;P

What do you think?