Sooo... I'm alive:) hope you're all doing fine.

Sorry for this very late update. Really. I know it's irritating when updates stop abruptly.

I am not abandoning this story, I WILL finish it. Just not sure when exactly.

To answer a comment I cannot answer by PM: Pushing the drama is exactly what I do in this fic. There are many swearing words cause they allow me to put in this fic exactly the kind of emotions that feels right to me. I guess Sasuke is a bit OOC, or may be percieved like this. But this is because he is talking to his father. It always caught my attention how different Sasuke acted around edo-tensei Itachi. LIke a kid, missing his brother. I kinda think that he wouldn't act like his usual self in front of his father either. That's also why Sasuke sometimes stops and is unable to retort - it's hard. Arguing with someone who knew him before the massacre. With his own father who he missed and respected. And this very father challenges his opinions so he starts questioning them too. Sasuke is usually stubborn, but seeing his father again makes him vulnerable. At least that's how I see it.

About Sasuke being right: I guess he is. And he isn't just like Fugaku. They both believe they are right. So they need to solve this. It takes time. We don't yet know what exactly Fugaku thinks, cause this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. None of Fugaku's thoughts were revealed. Nothing more than what he said aloud.

As for the the suggestion to stop pushing the drama. I guess I could. But I don't feel like it, so the drama will go on:)

Meanwhile, enjoy the next not-so-long chapter:)

A full week later he sees the hazy image of the kitchen around him. He tenses at once. For the last few days he has not thought much – or more like has tried not to think much – about what happened during their last conversation. There were bandits to chase, villages to save, missions to accomplish… He simply (fortunately) did not have much time to analyze his long-dead father's views on his life choices.

Then now he leans against the wall, numb and motionless, watching the old kitchen faucet that shines with the inexistent light coming in through the window.

He is too tired to deal with his father right now. Not after what happened the last time.

Or no, it is not tiredness. He is scared. He doubts there is anything left to say to the man. Sasuke uncovered all his cards. He expressed himself the best he could. It was his father's turn to do something about the data he obtained from him.

What about his father's words then? Uchiha Fugaku stubbornly claimed that he did not prefer his firstborn over his second son. Which was a lie…

Or was it. Can you call someone a liar whet they earnestly believe that they are saying the truth?

He notices his father only when the man pulls one sitting pillow with his foot and sits next to him, leaning his back against the very same wall.

"What if we're both right?" Sasuke asks, his eyes half-closed, still staring at the faucet.

"What about?" his father asks after a few seconds. Sasuke feels his heart misses a bit. The man is tired. Maybe even more than he is.

"You say you didn't prefer Itachi over me. I say you did. But maybe you really didn't… maybe you just acted the way that made me think you did."

His father remains quiet for a long minute. When silence gets on his nerves, Sasuke glances at him cautiously and is met with an expression of deep meditation on the man's face. He finally exhales and wipes his face with his right hand.

"If that is the case… then it is no different from me actually choosing Itachi over you."

"It is different" Sasuke mumbles.

"How so?"

"In that case it would mean you didn't do this on purpose."

"Do you really think that I would ever make you feel inferior to your brother on purpose?" his father finally looks at him, irritation and exhaustion present in his voice.

"Not like… It's not like that. More like you would really prefer him and you wouldn't hide it from me cause it would be obvious and you wouldn't care if I noticed-"

"That's basically what I've just said."

Sasuke's mouth hangs slightly open for a second, ready to articulate the next words. But instead he blinks and closes it, looking away.

"You really grew up convinced that I loved Itachi more. Didn't you."

He says nothing. What could he say. Yes, that's exactly how I felt back then?

"I am sorry."

Sasuke closes his eyes and bites his lower lip. His father is sorry. He said that. Suddenly he can feel a squeeze on his knee. It is short. His father's hand is gone before he can fully register his actions… But it was there a moment ago.

"You've thought about that a lot, didn't you" Sasuke dares speak again.

"I did" his father admits. "It certainly is something that disturbs my thoughts a lot." He pauses for a moment. "Not the only problem, though."

"I'm not ready to talk about… that again" Sasuke whispers.

"That is going to be problematic as there is not much to talk about apart from that, Sasuke."

"But... I'm not really done with the previous matter. I don't get it… You wasted so much time trying to convince me that you treated me and Itachi equally, you were so sure that you didn't play favorites. And now suddenly you just… what, changed your mind?"

"I tried to consider what you told me about this matter."

"Like what?"

"Can you spare me this topic?"

"Can you spare me that topic?"

"I cannot."

"Then why would I?"

"Because it's over now and in case you didn't notice, I admitted that you were right this time. So will you be kind enough to let us move on to the unsolved matter?"

…wow.

So he was right.

His father… played favorites. He preferred his brother over him. Recognizing the feeling of having his unfavorable theories confirmed by his father, Sasuke waits for the overwhelming sense of unfairness to weight over his heart… But it does not. No, actually something about it feels right. It clicks. Finally. After so many years.

Uchiha Fugaku grunts.

"It's not as if…" he starts slowly and Sasuke doubles his control over his features not to stare at the man. "No, I don't want to talk about it anymore, Sasuke. But if there really is something that you need to clarify, I will… grant you an opportunity."

Their eyes meet and he sees his father, the very same father he remembers, but without that ever-present pride in his eyes. And once again warmth spreads in his chest. Because his father is trying.

And he cares.

"I… don't know anymore" Sasuke looks away. "I guess now I would like to ask you about everything… every single situation I remember. But I don't know what I would gain from it. Apart from a taste of some old misery and disappointment. I don't need it right now." He does not want to tear old scars open.

Silence falls for long minutes. At first it feels comfortable, but when he notices his father shifting slightly, the temporal peace is suddenly gone. Sasuke tenses, as if sensing that the man is about to say something. And he is.

"I've seen what you wrote on the walls in the corridor."

And the moment is gone. Sasuke tenses.

"I've read it many times. Eventually, I memorized these words and contemplated them over and over again." He pauses for a moment, tapping his knee. "I have no idea how deep were your thoughts when you formulated them. If not much, then I surely overanalyzed them. But I would like you to explain them to me. Preferably, I would ask you to start with the last sentence."

"Which one was that?" Sasuke remembers well. But he needs those short seconds to brace himself for what is coming next.

"A comparison between Itachi making you kill him and me making Itachi kill the Uchiha clan."

"What about it?"

"Everything about it."

Sasuke sighs deeply and closes his eyes for a moment. Here it comes again.

"We were both in a situation where we… potentially… had another choice. I could potentially abandon the idea about the revenge. And Itachi could potentially refuse to kill you. But if any of us had acted differently, there would have been someone who would have made us act exactly as we had acted anyway. If I had abandoned the revenge, Itachi would have appeared again. He would have brainwashed me to no end. Until I acted as he expected me to."

"That's what you believe."

"That's what I know. And I know that if Itachi had refused to kill the clan, you would have found a way to make him do this. You would never let the village kill the Uchiha."

"I will not argue with this one."

"Thank you."

"But I will with the former one."

"Why?"

"Because, Sasuke, your brother would have never wanted you to become an international criminal. It wouldn't have served his purpose. Itachi tried to preserve the honor of the Uchiha clan. This way his goal could not be achieved."

Sasuke stares at the opposite wall motionless. There it goes again. Ideals.

"Ideals…" he repeats aloud. "Ideals are helpful. But more often than not, they're just the mean to let your purpose last when its reasonable explanation fails. I had my ideals too. Loyalty to my family. I tried to stick to it no matter what happened. People called me mad. But I held on to it like my life depended on it. Because there was nothing else left. I had no family, no friends, no future. But eventually I didn't need any ideals anymore. I just acted. I knew only what I wanted to do and not why I wanted to do things. And I think… I bet that this is what drove Itachi to the point when he made me kill him. It became his sole reason to live. He waited for me to end his life. He couldn't care less how it happened. He had long forgotten about the honor of the Uchiha clan. He just wanted to end his miserable life. He knew I had to be the one to kill him. But why? I doubt he remembered."

"Sasuke, your brother was…"

"My brother was thirteen when you've seen him for the last time. You have no idea what he became."

"I don't. But whatever he became, it didn't justify what you did, Sasuke. You did have a choice."

Sasuke does not answer right away. He thinks about it one more time, trying to catch the real meaning behind these words.

"And now you mean me becoming a missing-nin or me killing Itachi?"

One second. Two. Three. Ten. He looks at his father wearily.

"I guess I meant both."

"He wanted me to kill him. Who are you to refuse your damaged, beloved firstborn to die the way he desperately craves?" his father closes his eyes and crosses his arms on his chest. "Can't you even accept that? That Itachi was just not strong enough to deal with all this shit? With the guilt? What were you thinking when you made him kill you and mother? That he will be fine? Ever?" he gets no reply for his suddenly emotional speech. "Doesn't Itachi in your head have any flaws?"

"Of course he does-"

"Then why do you blame me for something that was in fact his doing?"

"I couldn't care less that Itachi wanted to die from your hand. What I care about is that you actually killed him."

"But if he had killed me on the day of the massacre, it would have been all right."

"It would have been reasonable and would have had nothing to do with you being his brother. You killed your brother, Sasuke. Someone that you were close to like to no one else."

He looks in his father's dark, judging eyes. Blind, unfair eyes.

"Yeah" he breaths out. "And let me tell you something. Being betrayed, hurt, toyed with and abandoned by a person I trusted the most hurts like fucking shit. Being fed lies that sound so unbelievable, so unbelievably stupid, it's like that person offends your intelligence. But when they actually cause you pain you cannot handle, that's when you snap. If Itachi had left me on that day without a word, I would have never sworn revenge on him. Because he was my brother and I loved him. I would have probably be pissed. And scared. But killing him? I would never. But he had another idea. I was to kill him one day."

"For the sake of his clan. Of your clan."

"Wait, are you mad at me for killing him or not?"

"I am-"

"So for what sake? You didn't want me to kill my brother, but it was something that needed to be done for the sake of the clan? What are you angry about? It doesn't make sense."

His father wipes his face slowly and runs his fingers through his hair. He sighs and stays silent for a few more seconds.

"It doesn't make sense" he admits.

"…then-"

"I guess I didn't express my thoughts clearly enough. I understand why Itachi made you kill him. It was the right move taking into account his reasons. But you killed your brother. It was… the right thing to do. But it's not it, Sasuke. You feel no remorse" he almost spats out. "You killed your brother and even claim to regret it, but I see you neither being sorry for it nor taking responsibility. Instead you keep putting the blame on your brother. You would do this once again if there-"

"I would NEVER do this again!" he says through clenched teeth. "Just what do you take me for?! I would have never done this the first time around if only I had known the truth about the coup!" he almost yells. He barely registers his father furrowing his brows before he speaks again. "I had a brother once, one that I loved and worshipped, but I lost him the night you all died. He died along with you. I did not kill my brother. I killed the monster that destroyed me!"

"You are making excuses!" his father bursts out, making him flinch. "One moment you say that it was all about being loyal to your clan, but a moment later it becomes clear that you just acted unreasonably, out of frustration! Our death was nothing more than an excuse-"

"It wasn't…!"

"…to get back at Itachi for putting you through some hard time! And that is why I am ashamed of you!"

Sasuke is not sure how it happened, but he is sitting right in front of his father with a clear view on the man's angry face. Though his own face is probably no less angry at the moment.

"Some hard time" he spats out with so much venom he would be surprised if he actually cared. "You have some nerve to tell me things like that right into my face!" he stands up abruptly and looks at the man from above for the exact two second before he raises himself up as well. "Who the fuck do you think you are to judge how I can and cannot feel after my brother hurt me on purpose?! He used tsukuyoumi on me, do you have any idea what it is?! You were not there when they poured liters of sedatives into my veins to make me sleep after the massacre! I had nightmares for years, I had a fucking PTSD, I almost ran away the first time Kakashi pushed his headband up and I saw the sharingan! I couldn't even look at my own in the mirror! Some hard time it was! The Third Hokage was more worried about me than YOU are now! My own damn father, too concerned about his little firstborn to give a fuck about his other son!"

Sasuke pants, his fist clenched so hard that it hurts his skin. He pierces his father with a deadly glance, not regretting a single word that came out his mouth. Meanwhile the man watches him with guarded expression, clearly hesitant to do anything.

"Well? Say something!"

He does not. Sasuke takes a step back, his eyes not leaving Fugaku's face.

"If it's still not enough to convince you, then I don't believe that we could ever agree on that matter. I told you what I wanted. I will not change my mind because what Itachi did to me was cruel and wrong."

"Sasuke…" his father lets out but presses his lips together shortly after. They stare at each other for good thirty seconds without a word.

"Would you ever do something like this to me? Traumatize me for the sake of the clan? Would you go so far as making me kill you so that the honor of a clan, that didn't deserve respect, be preserved? Would you ever try to make me hate you so much that I could slit your throat without a second thought?!"

Silence. And everything around is somehow blurry. As if his mind was detached from his body. His father seems somehow distant. Unreal. Unfamiliar. But the last thought, a sudden dreadful and disappointing revelation pushes Sasuke back to the dreamy world for a short moment.

"Or on the other hand, why wouldn't you? That's exactly what you did to Itachi."

When he wakes up, the sun is already high.

So after the previous chapter, many (and I mean MANY) of you commented on what a bastard of a father Fugaku is. I udnerstand that you may think like that. Though I cannot agree with you fully :P

I mean sure, he was kinda cruel last time, but still. He loves Sasuke. And he is trying so, so very hard to understand him. In fact, he is much more willing to consider Sasuke's words than Sasuke is his father's. But everyone has their own limits.

Fugaku doesn't really get it about Sasuke being hurt by Itachi. That's because to him, both his sons were sacrifices at the end. The only difference is that Itachi accepted it. And Sasuke didn't. The subject will appear again in the next chapter.

I'm really curious what you think about it:) take care!