Looking that same old way
I'll break the silence of your face
To get closer everyday
Now I turn around again
Looking for a friend
I see your face again…
And again…
Feel me today
Cause you're a million miles away
And I know that you know
Hear me today
Cause you're a million miles away
And I know that you know…
I've been calling out your name
Every minute it's just the same
Cold and hungry shout to me
From this battle that I can't see
Mikan finished her dinner quickly. When she got to the dining room, it seemed like she suddenly lost her appetite.
She went up early. But because she couldn't get to sleep, she went out for a quick walk outside after she had showered and done her homework. She was obviously bothered by something.
She was still thinking about her bumping into Ruka awhile ago.
How long has it been since I've seen him up close like that? Or Natsume for that matter? Much too long.
Mikan sighed.
She wouldn't say that she'd been thinking about them every single moment since they left. But no day had gone by without them even slightly crossing her mind. Everyday, even if she didn't see them, she'll find herself sometimes looking for them or just suddenly realize she was reminiscing once more their distant past.
It was difficult for her to even just see them and not feel a ton of emotion rush through her. But obviously, they don't feel the same. Especially Natsume. There was one time when Mikan attempted to fix things with them. Gathering all her courage, she walked up to Natsume just before high school started and asked him if they could ever be friends again. But Natsume simply looked at her and said, "What are you talking about? Get out of my face." And then he walked away. Ruka gave him one last apathetic look and that was the last time he had ever glanced her way.
Until today.
She was sure Ruka did look at her! Positive! There was no way she could be imagining it. It was as real as she was hungry.
Grumble… grumble. Mikan didn't eat well awhile ago. She just can't. And now, she was hungry again. But it was impossible to get any decent food at this time of the night. All the supplies had been already safely stored. Well, she'll just have to settle for some hot chocolate probably.
Mikan staggered to the kitchen. Let there be some sugar left… please! Mikan opened the cabinet and just as she thought, there was no more sugar. At night, they usually run out of sugar or even low-fat sweetening because almost everyone want some hot chocolate, milk, or some coffee. There's never enough. And they can only supply it in the morning. Otherwise, the people supplying or producing it (since it is after all an Alice school) would be sleeping already.
Mikan hung her head in hopelessness. This was really not her day. "AAAHH!" Mikan vented her anger on her hair as if she was going crazy.
"Hey, don't take it out on the hair if you're having a bad day." A voice suddenly spoke behind her. It was Kokoroyomi. Kokoroyomi looked a lot like he used to but was much taller and of course, more mature. In fact, his mischievous look now seems more like a charm rather than anything else.
"Oh hey there, mind reader. What're you doing here?" Mikan faced her old friend. "I haven't seen you for a long time."
"I guess that's what happens when you aren't classmates anymore." Kokoroyomi moved towards the cabinets and pulled out a can of soup. "Are you hungry, Mikan?"
"Oh yes! Starving."
"Here. We could share." Kokoroyomi quickly opened the can and started heating the soup.
Kokoroyomi has always been sweet to Mikan. He'd laugh at her and call her stupid sometimes but Kokoroyomi had always been there for Mikan whenever she needed him. And right now, maybe he is the only one who can help her…him being a mind reader and all.
"How have you been, Kokoroyomi? Do you have a girlfriend?" Mikan leaned at the working table towards Kokoroyomi.
"Actually, I do." Kokoroyomi's eyes seemed to sparkle with a different kind of glow at the mention of his girlfriend.
"Really!" Mikan never imagined Kokoroyomi having a girlfriend before. "Wow! Who is she? What's she like?" Mikan quickly got excited. "And how did you get her to be your girlfriend, huh?" Mikan suddenly had a suspicious look on her face. "You read her mind, didn't you? You read her mind and tried to see what she liked in a guy! You did, didn't you? Didn't you!" Mikan was all over Kokoroyomi's face, questioning him like a nagging wife.
"Woah. Not too many questions all at once, Mikan." Kokoroyomi smiled, a little scared for himself. But then he smiled ever so sweetly and with a dreamy look in his eyes. "Actually, you're right."
"I knew it!" Mikan quickly cut in.
"I did try to do exactly just that for the first few times I tried to make her like me." Kokoroyomi suddenly seemed so far away, as if he was seeing something that wasn't really there. "I repeatedly read her mind, thinking if she would like this or that. And I did everything. I just liked her so much ever since I first saw her. She was just so pretty! A curly blond girl with blue eyes, she was perfect!"
Kokoroyomi looked into Mikan's eyes and she saw how his eyes seemed to glisten in delight and contentment.
"But you know what, whatever I did, she didn't like. Well, actually, it was more like she never bothered to even notice. I read her mind like an eagle but she was never satisfied. It was so darn difficult!"
Kokoroyomi started to stir the soup once again.
"And as weeks passed and she still didn't like me, I felt so depressed. Really depressed. I felt rejected. And I've never coped with rejection well. For the first time in my life, I felt sincerely sad. Angry, even. Angry at myself…at her…at everyone. Why doesn't she like me? I've done everything I can to please her but she still doesn't want me.
"I cried a few times. Thank goodness none of my other friends were mind readers. It would have been really pathetic.
"Then one day, I was buying clothes at Central town and I saw her looking at a poster of a movie in a theater. I was still thinking twice about coming up to her, scared she might just ignore me again. But I really, really wanted to talk to her—and considering she was alone then! She was so pretty standing alone there and just staring at the poster with innocent doe eyes. I just couldn't help myself. So I gathered all my strength to come up to her and ask her what she was doing there. Thank goodness I did.
"You know what she said?" Kokoroyomi suddenly turned to face Mikan.
"What?" Mikan said silently.
"She said, 'I was waiting for you'." Kokoroyomi said with a little laugh. "Yes," He said without reading Mikan's mind. "It was really a surprise. Especially for me. It turns out she did like me after all those stunts I pulled. She just didn't want me acting as something I'm not. She knew I was using my Alice and was reading her mind. She was glad that I liked her that much but she didn't want me to think that I'd have to be someone other than me to be with her.
"And when she said all those things, I think it was the time I really fell in love with her." Kokoroyomi blushed but it wasn't because of embarrassment. He was simply so wound up about it. "She said she was supposed to ignore me until I start acting like me. But when I stopped talking to her altogether, she got worried I was really giving up on her.
"I told her, I almost was giving up on her. But when I saw her again there in front of the theater, I just can't help going up to her. Every time I see her, I just want to be near her. I guess that's how it feels to fall in love. It's not that you can't go on without them. It's just that life's much better with them in it."
Kokoroyomi's words hit close to home for Mikan. Natsume's face suddenly popped in her head. She didn't want to push it away, but she didn't want to be thinking about him either. Not with Kokoroyomi around. Besides, it's too painful whenever she remembers Natsume. She just can't help feeling so unwanted…
Mikan shook her head and tried to push away the thoughts that were clouding her mind. Sometimes, she just wants to forget. Forget everything…
Kokoroyomi is really lucky that he had found someone for him. I wish I was just as fortunate.
"Wow, Kokoroyomi. You really have grown up. I never thought you could be a deep person. Well anyway, I'm glad for you. At least you've found someone." Mikan gave him a sweet smile.
"Thanks." Kokoroyomi returned the same sweet smile. "How about you, Mikan? I'm sure there'd been many guys lining up for you already."
"No. Actually, it's the total opposite. No decent guy has asked me out yet." Mikan rested her chin on her hands.
"Really!" Kokoroyomi looked really surprised. "I thought you'd be one of those girls with many suitors. You're very pretty, you know, Mikan."
Mikan's face reddened at the compliment. "Thanks but I'm not that pretty, really."
"No. You really are pretty. Everyone said so even when we were younger. They said you were kinda dumb but you were one of the prettiest girls in class."
Mikan didn't know if she should take that as a compliment or an insult. "Thanks." Mikan forced a smile. Why does everyone think I'm dumb!
"But I'm really glad for you, Kokoroyomi. Really. I wish I had your alice ability. If I did, I probably wouldn't be as confused as I am now." Mikan blew on the strands of hair on her face.
"Why? What is it, Mikan? Maybe I can help. And don't worry. I wouldn't try to find out who that is. Nanako had already scolded me about using my alice too much to invade other people's privacy. I don't do that anymore. So just go on tell me and you wouldn't need to feel scared about me finding out who it is all about."
"Thanks, Kokoroyomi. But I don't think I should tell you. I don't even understand my own problems."
"Oh come on, Mikan. I told you my story! Tell me yours. Or maybe I'll just have to force it out of you." Kokoroyomi threateningly hissed at Mikan.
"Alright, alright. I'll tell you. Cheater!" Mikan let out her tongue at Kokoroyomi. "I don't know if you'll understand but this is basically what's going on.
"Something bad happened to me in the past. And now, I just want to forget it. But I can't get myself to even if I try. No matter how much I try to forget, I just can't. And it's getting more and more difficult for me because every time I think of him, it just hurts so much." Mikan's voice cracked and she felt hot tears welling up in her eyes. But she held it in.
"Hmm… so it's a 'he'. He's a guy." Kokoroyomi touched his chin as if in deep thought. "Well, why would you want to forget something as important as that?"
Mikan was surprised by the question. "What? Well, because it is very painful to think about it."
"So? If you didn't have that memory, then you wouldn't be the Mikan you are now. I see that you, Mikan, have grown up a lot. And maybe it's all because of what happened. Do you think that if that never happened, you would be who you are now? Besides," Kokoroyomi crossed his arms as if it would help him make his point. "How would you feel if you lost that memory? I mean, just imagine it. If you forgot him, how would you feel…?"
Mikan had never thought of that. She was just in so much pain; she wanted to forget it all. But she couldn't imagine forgetting Natsume. NO! Her mind shouted. She might not have Natsume in her life but it's better to have him in her memories even if those memories hurt her than to not have any part of Natsume at all.
Somehow, it felt so hollow if Natsume would be forever lost even in her memories…
That is so weird. I used to function just right without him. And now, I can't seem to be able to live without even just the memory of him… WOAH. My heart just skipped a beat. I am so confused!
"So, did I help?" The soup was done just in time and Kokoroyomi started to pour it into two bowls.
"Yeah you did. I guess I just needed a third person's opinion on it. I'll sleep better now!"
"Great. But before you do, here." Kokoroyomi handed to Mikan an enticing hot bowl of soup. "Here's your share of the soup."
"Thanks! I'm real glad I met you here tonight, Kokoroyomi."
"I guess that's what love does to you!" Kokoroyomi said sarcastically, batting his eyelashes.
Mikan first thought he was serious. Then, they both laughed at the cheesy-ness of it all.
Mikan waved goodnight at Kokoroyomi.
"Are you sure you'll handle the dishes?" Mikan said before disappearing out the door.
"For the last time, yes! I'll clean it up. Now, go. Get some rest." Kokoroyomi pushed her out.
"Alright. If you say so. Goodnight!" Mikan finally disappeared through the dark hallway.
"Goodnight, Mrs. Mikan Hyuuga." Kokoroyomi beamed a smile when Mikan was gone, a smile he was suppressing since Mikan had told him her problem. It doesn't take a mind reader to know it's Natsume—and Natsume alone—Mikan would ever be thinking of.