I'm so tired of being here
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along…
Mikan walked happily through the grounds of Alice Academy with a placid grin on her face. Her talk last night with Kokoroyomi helped a lot to clear her thoughts. True, she wouldn't know what to do if she has ever forgotten all the memories she had with Natsume. What would she do then? Her life here in Alice Academy would have been empty without Natsume Hyuuga in the everyday she wakes up.
Mikan felt sweat trickling down her back due to the heat of the sun that morning. But like her troubles, even though the sun blazed with scorching hot rays, the breeze was still cool and smelled sweetly to her senses. For once in a very long time, she at last really heard the birds singing. Today was a brand new day for Mikan.
"Well, better get ready to start the day." The day was a Saturday but Mikan had a lot of plans prepared for the day. Now that she's in middle school, there were more extra-curricular activities prepared for the students. Mikan never realized how much work and training her superiors, Tsubasa-sempei and Misaki-sempei, had it. Today, Mikan had to start to exercise before dawn. Then she still had violin and piano lessons that morning (Alice Academy wants its student to be the elites in the society—cultured and erudite in all aspects!). She also has tea in the afternoon with Narumi-sensei mixed with lessons of good manners and customs (yes, she still meets her "father" in some of her classes). The Academy figured that Narumi is the best teacher for the job when it comes to the matters of etiquette and proper decorum. She, Mikan, then takes a break from 5 to 6 and then has her dinner at around 6 to 6:30 in the evening. On some occasions, she is already free after that hour. But usually, she watches a classic movie or an intellectual play with her classmates. And then only after that do they retire to their own rooms in the dormitory, preparing for another hectic day the next morning. Mikan was already exhausted just thinking about the things she needed to get done today.
I wonder what the school makes Natsume do. Mikan thought quietly to herself. She didn't want to think about it but she just can't help herself. Natsume was still referred to as a "genius" in their school. He had special classes conducted at different hours than everybody else's. No one really knows what the school teaches the 'special abilities' like him. They are all pretty much detached from the other students and definitely are given a different treatment than others even before high school. Mikan would sometimes wonder if Natsume ever found his lessons hard or found it all easy just like when they were in grade school. Natsume was the smartest one in their class back then, no doubt about it. But now, Mikan wonders if Natsume has classmates smarter than him. Or, maybe he doesn't have classes anymore; just…special training. Mikan felt moisture on the corners of her eyes but she doesn't know why. When she thinks about Natsume, all she feels is just sorrow…hurt…and rejection. Somehow, she shares Natsume's feeling of loneliness but all in a different way. She feels…so unloved and so hated when she thinks about Natsume. That's why she can't help sometimes wishing she'll just forget about everything. But then, remembering what Kokoroyomi told her, she forgets about all her wishful thinking and tries to see her memories with Natsume with a small smile on her face although with a twinge in her heart.
"Oi. What are you doing?" A familiar voice suddenly spoke at Mikan's side.
Mikan stopped abruptly. She'd know that voice anywhere. It was…the boy that fills her mind all day long through all these years. It was the boy she'd never seen for so long but she aches to hold on to. It was the boy she was just thinking of…
Slowly, Mikan turned to her side.
But there was no one. Just a tree… And then she saw something. There was a young man sitting at the foot of the tree, leaning on to its trunk and delighting in its shade.
"Nat—"
"You're blocking my sun." The man looked up and Mikan felt a sudden pang in her heart. She felt it almost break into a million pieces. It was not Natsume.
Mikan almost felt like crying. She felt a little embarrassed at the excitement she felt at the thought of meeting Natsume once again. And she almost wanted to break down at her longing for Natsume. Oh, God knows how much she wants to see Natsume at this very moment! She wants to embrace him again and sit with him again by their favorite tree. She wants to share her thoughts with him as he pretends not to listen and read his manga all day. She wants to share another festival with him. She wants to…she…she just wants to see his eyes see her again. She aches to see him…just to see him without him just looking straight through her, as if she wasn't there. Mikan felt a lump form in her throat and she knew that tears were starting to well up in her eyes.
"I said, you—" The man was cut off when he saw the look on Mikan's face. His expression changed from angry to surprised then to worried. Mikan looked as if she was really about to burst into a huge fit. "Are you…" The man stood up but Mikan ran off shouting 'I'm sorry'. The man was left to wonder.
But Mikan just kept on running. She ran to the safety of her own room. The corridors were filled with students going to and from their classes. But no one noticed Mikan crying as she bumped her way through the crowd. When Mikan got to her room, she locked it at once and then flung herself to her bed. She buried her head in her pillows and cried her eyes out.
How more stupid can she get? It's been what? 5 years ever since? But still, she cries for him when in turn, he doesn't even remember that she exists. She was almost all over the guy when she had only heard his voice. And she even wanted to hit herself for thinking that his distinct voice could be anything like that guy! Why does she get mad at herself for not recognizing that it wasn't him? It's not her responsibility to know his exact voice, hair color and the color of his eyes yet she hates herself if she doesn't remember them. How can Natsume do this to her when Natsume…Natsume doesn't even want to see her.
A knock on the door made Mikan stop herself from spending another hour depressing about Natsume.
"Mikan!" Hotaru was knocking furiously at her door. "Your violin lessons are about to start in an hour! Are you awake yet!" Hotaru tried to shout over the door that separated them. If Hotaru even decides to topple the door down, she will not be happy to see Mikan red-eyed and all again for Natsume. Hotaru had been trying hard to help Mikan from ruining her life over Natsume—like Natsume did. Hotaru knows Natsume had been worse double over since Mikan had left his life. But with the state he was in now, she has no plans of letting her best friend take upon such a burden. And besides, unlike Mikan, Hotaru understands the complication of Natsume being special to the Academy. Hotaru understands that Natsume was really thinking of Mikan and she has tried to hint that to Mikan. But if Natsume doesn't want to let Mikan know that, then Hotaru wouldn't be the first one to tell. So she decides to let fate take its way. But she didn't want Mikan to be moping about him either. So everyday, she, in some way, makes sure that her dear friend is living her life the way that she deserves to. "Hurry up, Sakura! Or I'll blow this door up to pieces!"
Mikan panicked at the thought of Hotaru seeing her in such a state. She didn't want Hotaru to worry anymore. She had worried enough for her for even thinking of waking her up. She knew Hotaru doesn't get much sleep anymore because of the demands she takes upon because of her Alice ability. And it was already enough for Hotaru to remember her. "YEAH! I'm awake! I'm just dressing up!"
Hotaru was quiet for a moment. Mikan was afraid Hotaru figured out she was crying because of her voice. But then, Hotaru suddenly replied, "Okay. Hurry up! I'm going to get some breakfast. I'll see you in violin class."
"Yeah okay!" Mikan replied, straining hard to keep her voice from cracking.
Hotaru was again pretty silent and she seemed to stand unmoving outside Mikan's door.
Mikan was afraid Hotaru would find out she was crying again. Mikan crossed her fingers and prayed Hotaru wouldn't ask if she can come in. And then Mikan heard a muffled 'okay' and then footsteps walking away from her door.
She breathed a heavy sigh of relief.
Now, she really needs to stop thinking about Natsume for a while. There's still a long day ahead of her and she better focus. Mikan stood up to get a shower. "Natsume…" Mikan prepared her uniform on the bed. "…maybe I should really stop thinking about you.."
Hotaru stood quietly beside Mikan's door. She really didn't leave. And she definitely didn't believe that Mikan was just okay. She had cried again. Hotaru looked down sadly.
"Natsume…if you only knew how Mikan really feels about you."
A/n: Sorry for the long delayed update and such a lame chappie. But it's strting to come along. This only opens up to the real story. Thanks for your patience.