DISCLAIMER: Kaori X is no realistic incarnation of Kaori Nishidake. There is absolutely no bearing on anything canon, fanon, or … anon! The character is based on the fevered text blurb from the "After the Tour" conclusion of "SSX on Tour." So does this story depict an alternate universe, or an anime that happens in the SSX world? Heck if I know. Just sit back and try to enjoy some sort of not masterpiece.

Just a little warning: everyone acts out of character. So, if you were expecting a traditional SSX tale…. Well, apologies ahead of time.

Also, there are no other episodes. This just a small story I tossed off for fun.

SUPER MAGNIFICENT KAORI X: GLOBAL CRIME ANTI-AGENT ONE SHOT

NARRATOR: Previously on Kaori X: Kaori Nishidake had to forfeit the Big Mountain Peak Challenge when her wristwatch informed her that trouble was brewing in the Amazon. Aided by Super Jaguar Marisol, Kaori managed the track down the villainous Zoe. At the Temple of Tzacol, Kaori and Marisol came face to face with Zoe's minions, the killer duo of Psymon and Moby. In the confusion, Zoe escaped with the Katakana Gem and Marisol was critically injured. Kaori vowed that she would get her revenge.

This episode – "Kaori X discovers Dark Zoe's Terrible Secret"

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(Setting: Shinto temple outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia.)

(An elderly priest is standing at the steps, contemplating a bitter change in the wind. He shrugs it off at first, but before he enters the temple, he steps. He comes face-to-face with PSYMON, MOBY, and ZOE.)

SHINTO PRIEST: --- Who?

MOBY: Step aside, bloke! (pushes PRIEST down.)

ZOE: You didn't have to be so rug, Moby Dearest. Pysmon… door?

PSYMON: (tugs at the handles) No dice. The temple is locked shut. Want me to … heh heh … persuade the old fart to giving us the keys?

ZOE: No, I have a more fun idea. Haro-Wing!

(ZOE's hands glow. It emits a load wave, which smashes the door into splinters.)

ZOE: Nothing can withstand the awesome power of Heavy Metal! Now fan the premise! The sooner we find the third and final Katakana Gem, the sooner I can unleash the Power Eternal! Muhuhahahahahah!

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(Setting: Mountain College.)

(School is in session at the Intimidator village, a location halfway up Big Mountain where all the buildings, for some reason, are Oriental in style. At noon, no bell rings, but --- almost as if on cue --- all the doors open, and the future leaders of the world empty the classrooms in an impassionate stampede to the cafeteria.)

(At the improbable 34th floor of Mountain College were or heroine, KAORI, and her childhood friend, MAC.)

MAC: Doesn't that beat it. I drove myself nuts trying to schedule classes so I could get all Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday off of school. So OF COURSE I forget to block off some extra time for lunch. What worries me is, by the time we get down there, the line for the nacho bar will be eight miles long.

KAORI: I still do not understand why we had to learn about Nate's spectacular German singing career in a class titled "World Hunger and Resource Development."

MAC: Is that what that class was? I sorta hit the sack at the five minute mark.

KAORI: But now that you mention it, we will be so late that likely they will run out of my favorite noodles with the mystery star-shaped carbohydrates.

MAC: (grasps his snowboard, which was leaning on wall outside the classroom, and snaps his boots in) So want to join me on the Emergency Exit Express?

KAORI: (smirking) That is stupid, reckless, and I am almost certain illegal.

MAC: So that's a yes?

(The two zipped down the staircase, both on their own snowboard. At the fourteenth floor, they exited out an open window. KAORI completed two backflips and spun a pirouette. She landed on her two feet, with her snowboard dramatically positioned behind her back.)

(MAC crashed. Atop an innocent bystander.)
MAC: Ow. Damn you … gravity.

(SID rises from under MAC. Though disheveled, he had enough strength to grab MAC by the scarf and tighten it like a noose.)

MAC: (losing his breath) Oh, hi, Sid. How's it hanging?

SID: (eyes smoldering) FRASER… what have I ever done to you?

KAORI: Please don't be mad, Sid. It was an accident.

SID: (dropping MAC) Oh! (blushing; adjusting his strangely impenetrable oversized sunglasses) But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and Kaori is the sun!

KAORI: Eh.

SID: (on one knee and handing KAORI a bouquet of flowers) Oh, sweet Kaori, thou fairest of stair, please do my fool heart an honor and accept this small gift as a token of my….

(SID steps forward and trips over MAC's outstretched foot)

MAC: Lo, what fools these mortals be.

SID: (after spitting snow out of his mouth) Fraser, that is the second time today you have struck me. Why would you cross me, unless… (face turns beet red) … unless YOU have designs upon my fair Kaori.

MAC: (flustered) What!

KAORI: (flustered) NANI?

(Big crowd suddenly appears out of nowhere and gather around to gossip amongst themselves excitedly.)

STUDENT #1: Kaori, is this true?

STUDENT #2: Way to go, mate….

(KAORI's wristwatch beeps. She sighs in relief.)

KAORI: Saved by the bell!

(KAORI presses the button on her watch. A blue bolt of lightning strikes from the sky, which does two things: first, KAORI is teleported away. Second, she is replaced by a lookalike KAORI ANDROID.)

SID: (grabs KAORI ANDROID by the arm) Please, Kaori, tell me you only have eyes for me!

(KAORI ANDROID's eyes open and knock's SID down into the snow with a low level blast. She then turns to MAC.)

KAORI ANDROID: (monotone) HOW ABOUT SOME SUGAR FOR THE BIG K, BABY.

MAC: (sighing) Not you again….

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(Setting: Mysterious Hideaway Island X. The blue lightning zaps KAORI directly into the control room located at a dormant volcano in the middle of the island. The Stuffed Animal Friends --- PIERRE the Bear, SUE Kangaroo, and HIERONYMUS Gator --- were hurriedly operating the controls of a giant screen.She was joined by PIERRE a bear, alligator, and kangaroo.)

KAORI: I swear, those two guys…. So, Friends, what is the emergency?

PIERRE: Pierre! Pierre Pierre Pierre!

SUE: Sue! Sue!

HIERONYMUS: (deep and slow baritone) Hieronymus.

KAORI: (confused) I… I don't understand what you're saying….

PIERRE: (pointing to the TV screen) Pierre Pierre!

(The big screen turns on to reveal the face of a skinny, blonde young man in a cardigan sweater and a big golden crown.)

KING: Oh, hello Super Magnificent Kaori X.

KAORI: Oh! The KING OF CANADA!

KING: Now please, no need to be so formal. Please, call me Tyson.

KAORI: Yes, King Tyson.

KING: We need your help, Kaori X. Have you ever heard of an item called the Katakana Gem?

KAORI: Do you mean the infernal gem that powers the entire city of Halifax?

KING: The very same. Our agents at the CSIS inform us that Zoe has plans on claiming the gem for her own.

KAORI: (shocked) Zoe Payne! My sworn enemy! But why?

KING: We have no idea, but we hope that you'll help us find out. If Zoe gets a hold of the gem, then Edmonton will plunge into eternal darkness. Ex… Except during the daytime. But that much was inferred, hopefully.

KAORI: Have no fear, King Tyson. Kaori X will bring Zoe to justice!

(Transformation sequence! ZOE spins, spins, spins. Her schoolgirl clothes transform into a skintight powder blue superhero outfit. Her hand glows, and it is covered by a golden gauntlet with three jewels --- one red, one blue, one yellow. The Stuffed Animal Friends turn into glowing orbs of energy, and, one by one, each inhabits a separate jewel.)

(KAORI raises her gauntleted first in the air.)

KAORI: I AM FIGHT!

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(Setting: Mountain College. Classroom.)

PROFESSOR: It seems that all of you failed my little Statistics pop quiz except for Miss Kaori Nishidake. Congratulations, Kaori.

KAORI ANDROID: BOOYAH.

MAC: Hey, Kaori Android, I programmed you substitute Kaori while she's doing her superhero thing. And I'm supposed to treat you like the real Kaori, but if you act out of character, my job becomes extremely difficult. It's important that we work together. Remember: reciprocative substitution.

KAORI ANDROID: THIS I DID. WITH GREAT VENGEANCE.

MAC: You're not supposed to be perfect. It looks too suspicious. Kaori is a B student at best.

KAORI ANDROID: I DELIBERATELY THREW TWO QUESTIONS. THAT IS B AVERAGE. HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYONE ELSE IN CLASS WAS DUMB AS POTATOES?

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(Setting: Outside the Shinto Temple in Halifax.)

(MOBY and PSYMON are outside the discussing matters of utmost importance.)

PSYMON: …Is that a new jersey? That is a pretty sweet Union Jack pattern. I've been thinking of getting one myself.

MOBY: Don't take this wrong, mate, but the Union Jack doesn't suit you.

PSYMON: Pfff. Screw the Union Jack. I was thinking something more my nationality: a Canadian maple leaf.

MOBY: OK… first: you never struck me as a Canadian. Second: the leaf still doesn't suit ya. Too passive.

PSYMON: Not if it was a leaf on fire. With a skull at the center. And the leaf was the blackest of black times infinity. That would be the most hardcore thing ever.

MOBY: Maybe. Hey, what's that? (points to a glowing object in the night sky)

(The glowing object gets larger as it comes closer. PSYMON squints his eyes, then clenches his teeth.)

PSYMON: It's that brat, Kaori X!

MOBY: Bloody hell. WOLFMAN POWER!

(A bright light overcomes MOBY, and he becomes transformed into a hulking werewolf.)

PSYMON: OCTOPUS POWER!

(PSYMON's spiky hair disappears and solidifies into a fearsome pink mowhawk while tentacles emerge from his back.)

MOBY: You look like a total dork, mate.

PSYMON: Says the guy who looks like Teen Wolf. But forget that. There's a young woman who's long overdue to have her limbs separated violently from her torso!

(KAORI drops like a missile from the sky, her arms to her side and her toes pointed straight back. She spots the two ahead through her birdlike visor.)

KAORI: It looks like I will need something to protect me. ALLIGATOR ARMOR!

(A green armor surrounds KAORI. She slams into the two henchmen and wrecks the façade of the temple. The impact hurls PSYMON and MOBY several feet, but are mainly unscathed.)

(KAORI lands on her feet and takes off her helmet. The alligator armor disappears.)

KAORI: Stop, evildoers! I shall make you pay for what you did to Marisol!

PSYMON: (rubbing his hands together mischievously) Oh, I'm going to have fun with this. Tell me, Kaori, how do you feel about tentacles?

(tentacles lash toward Kaori)

KAORI: Ecchi! That is gross! KANGAROO JUMPKICK!

(KAORI's legs glow with unearthly power, and she takes a flying leap over the tentacles. She spins, and her foot smashes against PSYMON's face, knocking him down for the count.)

KAORI: Poo. And your pink Mohawk is stupid!

MOBY: (running towards KAORI) Never turn your back on an enemy, you little tart!

KAORI: (facing MOBY, her eyes widened) URSINE SUPER UPPER!

(KAORI's fist glows with unearthly power, and she delivers a swift uppercut to MOBY's chin)

KAORI: If you are going to attack, you attack! Don't talk!

(KAORI surveys the fallen henchmen for a second, then turns her back and runs into the gaping opening of the temple. She runs down a dimly-lit stone passageway to a room several floor below the ground.)

KAORI: ZOE!

(ZOE, who had been busy trying to pry the last Katakana Gem from its place in the stone, turns around, unsurprised.)

ZOE: Well, my little friend, it seems that we meet again.

KAORI: If it is up to me, it will be the last time.

ZOE: So how is Super Jaguar Marisol doing?

KAORI: (angrily) She is still in a hospital recovering from two broken arms, thanks to you!

ZOE: That's too bad. I promise I'll do a lot worse to you. Guns-En-Ro!

(Bolts of lightning shoot out of ZOE's fingers. KAORI somersaults and barely avoids getting electrocuted.)

ZOE: Ara! I am going to need help. PIERRE! SUE! HIERA-… uh… Harnama-… uh… ALLIGATOR! Stuffed Animal Friends, APPEAR!

(KAORI thrusts her gauntlet forward. The three jewels glow, and each of the Stuffed Animal Friends emerge. This time, they appear larger, more muscular, and more monstrous than they had appeared before.)

PIERRE: Pierre!

SUE: Sue!

HEIRONYMUS: Heironymus.

ZOE: (slapping forehead) Oh, come ON! No fair! "Stuffed Animal Friends"? Those guys are huge! What are they, on steroids?

KAORI: No. They are powered by love! Stuffed Animal Friends, attack!

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(Setting: the Sigma Sigma Chi fraternity.)

(The fraternity is throwing a party. Techno music from Paul Oakenfold's "Bunnka" blares from the speakers. Co-eds dance under flashing neon-colored lights. A group has gathered around the beer keg, where KAORI ANDROID is downing a mug of beer.)

CROWD: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

(KAORI ANDROID does so, wiping the suds from her mouth.)

KAORI ANDROID: BURRRPPPPP!

(CROWD cheers. MAC, who was been watching, sighs and sits down on a nearby couch.)

MAC: (mumbling) Crap, Kaori wouldn't do that either. Man, it's like babysitting a twelve-year old.

(ALLEGRA, sporting a pair of spectacles, had been sitting on the opposite side of the couch and reading a romance novel.)

ALLEGRA: (startled) Oh! We're you talking to me?

MAC: What? No, no. I didn't see you there, Allegra. I was talking about that andr-… uh…. I mean…. Hm. You… you don't seem to be the type to hang around these frat parties, Allegra. Don't get me wrong, but you've always been too square for these things. What are you doing here?

ALLEGRA: (blushing) I'm not sure myself, either. Maybe, deep down inside, I thought it might be a nice way to meet guys. Perhaps a Prince Charming of sorts would come inside and ---I guess --- sit down next to me and strike up conversation.

MAC: No, that's all wrong. You'll never meet guys that way. You're supposed to be more aggressive. Grab a guy that's just standing around drinking beer, and get him to join you on the dance floor. You're cute enough… it should work.

ALLEGRA: (edging closer to MAC, her eyes closed) I don't know. I think my original plan is working, don't you think?

MAC: I don't know what your saying. (realization dawning) WHA--?

(KAORI ANDROID sits herself between MAC and ALLEGRA. She turns her head to MAC.)

KAORI ANDROID: (coldly) WHATEVER HAPPENED TO RECIPROCATIVE SUBSTITUTION?

MAC: (nervously) What? Wait a minute, what are you implying here, exactly? Kao--- (noticing Allegra) You and I don't have that sort of relationship, you know.

KAORI ANDROID: O RLY?

MAC: Besides, Allegra and I were just talking. Just talking. Isn't that right, Allegra.

ALLEGRA: Uh. You two seem to have some things to sort out between yourselves. I'll, um, see if I can grab a guy to join me on the dance floor….

(KAORI ANDROID wraps her harms around both MAC and ALLEGRA.)

KAORI ANDROID: NO, NO. MACKIE-POO SAID YOU WERE JUST TALKING, AND I BELIEVE HIM. SO LET US ALL SIT AND JUST TALK.

ALLEGRA: (wincing) So… so strong….

MAC: (wincing) "Mackie-poo"?

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(Setting: Deep below the Shinto Temple in Halifax.)

(The Stuffed Animal Brigade has been beaten. Their mighty bodies have reverted back to their weakened stuffed animal forms. HEIRONYMOUS is lying on his back, barely able to breathe. SUE had fallen sideways with her tongue lolling from her mouth. PIERRE is in the worst shape: his arm has been ripped off, and polyfill stuffing has been coming out.)

(KAORI is not in good shape herself. Her costume is torn in several places, and she has been weakened by ZOE's attacks. As a consolation, ZOE herself has been somewhat exhausted herself.)

ZOE: (breathing heavily) Had enough, Kaori X?

KAORI: What … what do you want with the Katakana Gems, anyway?

ZOE: You still do not understand the full power of the Power Eternal, do you? For the small price of one's soul, I can gain the infernal and primeval powers of the universe at my fingertips. Imagine the ability to snuff out the sun with a snap, or the power to slam the moon into Earth.

KAORI: You are crazy. Why would you ever want that kind of power?

ZOE: I don't know. Bored, I guess. Plus, bragging rights. How many of your friends can say they can destroy entire galaxies?

KAORI: I think King Tyson can.

ZOE: Well, yeah. He's the King of Canada. Anyway, my poor little fool, I went through that whole spiel mostly to stall while I recovered my strength.

KAORI: Heh. I was banking on the same thing.

ZOE: WHAT?

KAORI: Pierre! Sue! Alligator! Prepare… Chimera Attack!

(PIERRE, SUE, and HIERONYMUS return to KAORI's gauntlet.)

(flashback)

AFRO MENTOR: The Chimera Attack fuses the powers of all three Stuffed Animal Friends. You will gain the strength of a bear, the speed of a kangaroo, and the resilience of an alligator. You will also be tapped into the Chimera Force, a Level 3 elemental attack that will deal fire damage to all enemies. You dig?

KAORI: I dig.

(end flashback)

(A mecha-like armor grows around KAORI. It covers her face in a gator-like helmet. Her hands have become the paws of bears. Her legs have become kangaroo legs. A long reptilian tail whips from behind.)
KAORI: (raising fist in the air) Chimera … ATTACK!

(An incredible stream of fire shoots from KAORI's fists, lighting up the room in an orange glow.)

ZOE: (covering her face) AUGH!

KAORI: (tears streaming from her eyes) I am sorry to be doing this to you, Zoe, but you must be stopped.

(KAORI stops. The attack has created a thick cloud of smoke where ZOE once stood. KAORI sunk to her knees, tired.)

ZOE: (in the smoke) ANSLASAX!

(A shockwave spreads through the room, throwing KAORI against the wall)

KAORI: What? Impossible!

(ZOE emerges from the smoke, laughing.)

ZOE: Oh, poor, poor Kaori X. There was one thing you didn't count on. And that would be me pocketing all three Katakana Gems.

(ZOE opens her palm, revealing that she indeed has all three of the Gems. The stone that once held it is empty.)

ZOE: Now witness the awesome power , of Devil Zoe!

(Red wings emerge from ZOE's back. Horns grow from her head, and her thumbnails grow several inches. ZOE hovers above the ground, cackling.)

KAORI: Oh, no!

ZOE: "Oh, no" is right, little girl. And now, I feel like I should have a little demonstration to test out my new found powers: wiping you off the face of the Earth. (posing her hands as if her were holding a ball) SHINING ELEGANT MEGADEATH!

KAORI: (thinking aloud) No! Not the Shining Elegant Megadeath! With this move, Devil Zoe will unleash a Level 4 energy attach that will sap my own chimera armor of nearly all its energy!

NARRATOR: Will Devil Zoe unleash the Shining Elegant Megadeath? Is there any hope that Kaori X can survive the attack? Find out next week, in "Devil Zoe Unleashes the Shining Elegant Megadeath, and Kaori Survives" on the next Super Magnificent Kaori X!