A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for all the wonderful reviews. You guys are awesome! I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill, Led Zepplin, "Mad World" by Michael Andrews and Tweety Bird...what a random combination...
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Chapter Seven: Couples Everywhere
January 27th 2006
Guess what I'm doing right now? Go ahead, guess! Fine, I'll just tell you. I'm watching cartoons with a big bowl of cereal in my lap. See, I should be at school, but I ditched the last half of the day. I just didn't feel like going. Rachel and Bevin would have joined me, but they had to give presentations in speech class. So, basically it sucks to be them. They're sitting in class, and I'm laughing my ass off at Tweety Bird. I don't remember these cartoons being this funny. I'd almost guess I was high the way I'm laughing at these cheesy jokes. But I'm not high. Hell, I haven't even smoked a cigarette since Luke asked me not to…not that I did it for him…Ok, maybe I did. That's what you do when you love someone though.
Speaking of won'ts, I made a list when I got home of all the things I will and will not do. It's motivation to be a better person. I'm usually not that big on lists. That was more of a Brooke thing. She practically organized our entire life into charts and lists. She was always afraid of making mistakes or missing a moment. I wasn't, but I made this list nonetheless because it just felt right. So here it goes:
1) I will not smoke (unless I really, really need it).
2) I will not respond to Brooke's snide comments.
3) I will not judge others.
4) I will not act on my feelings for Lucas.
5) I will give everyone a second chance because I know better than anyone second chances are hard to find.
Five little things. Sounds easy, huh? I mean I'm already doing great with number two. I've always been pretty good with number three. It's the remaining ones that'll prove tough. Because smoking is addictive, I'm not naïve to think otherwise. It's also really hard for me to trust people and as a result, it's hard for me to take chances on people who've let me down before. Oh, and as for Lucas…well that's always proved hard for me. Maybe this time it'll be easier.
"Peyton, where are you?" a voice calls from my front door.
"The door's open just come in, Rachel," I call back, not looking up from my cartoons. I hear the door creak open. Rachel's one of the few people who still hesitates to just barge into my house. Most know I'm totally cool with it.
"This is what you skipped for!" she says incredulously when she catches what I'm watching, "Cartoons!"
"Don't mock Tweety Bird," I say looking up at the clock, "Hey did you skip last period then?"
"Yeah, I had Study Hall, so whatever. Bevin stayed for English. She said she'd bring you home notes."
"That's my girl," I say, "Would you like a bowl of cereal?"
"No, I actually came over to tell you about tonight."
"What about tonight?"
"I won't be joining you for your little self-pity party at TRIC."
"Ha, ha," I say dryly, "Why not?"
"I have a date," she says, a small blush creeping up her neck.
"Are you blushing Rachel Danielle Gattina?"
"No!"
"Yes you are. Who's the lucky boy?"
"Mouth," she mutters, looking away.
"Mouth! As in Marvin McFadden! The boy who's had a crush on you since the beginning of this year!"
"Yes, that Mouth. It's just a date. I don't know why you're getting so worked up."
"Because you're finally going on a date with someone who's good for you."
"I've done a lot of thinking," Rachel says quietly, "I need to be responsible. And Mouth's always been good to me. So I'm giving him a chance." I frown at her take on the matter.
"Promise me, Rachel you're actually interested in him."
"Oh I am!" she says quickly, "I just don't get why he's so into me. I broke his heart."
"Yeah, well you can't help who you fall for," I mutter scooping a big spoonful of cheerios into my mouth. She turns to look at me and I can tell she regrets bringing it up.
"I'm sorry, Peyt. I wasn't thinking." I swallow my cereal with a large gulp.
"Don't worry, Rach," I say patting her shoulder, "Just don't hurt him, ok?"
"I wouldn't think of it," she says with a broad smile, "So what are you going to do tonight without me?"
"I actually am having dinner with Nathan and Haley."
"Right," Rachel snorts, "And I'm actually having tea with the queen in an ice palace on the moon." I raise an eyebrow at her.
"I'm serious."
"Really?" she says shrugging, "Well that's a shocker. You're getting back into the clique."
"Don't worry, Rach. It's just part of my list. I'm giving people second chances. Besides you know you'll always be my girl," I say giving her a one arm hug.
"Of course," she says. I don't think either of us is convinced, but I'm going to pretend we are. I can't help but feel like Rachel is hiding something from me. I mean I've basically opened my whole closet of skeletons for her, but she's still a mystery to me. And I'm used to being the mystery.
I'm in my car now driving to Haley and Nathan's apartment. No music , not that music matters anymore. I turned it off five minutes into my drive. See, the last CD I put in here was a mix I made about two or three years ago. I put it in there for this Zeppelin tune, but when it ends this really depressing song by Michael Andrews comes on. It's called "Mad World" and it was in that movie Donnie Darko. Yeah, needless to say, totally depressing song. And seeing as I'm unstable enough as it is emotionally I just shut the music off all together. Though some of the words just keep echoing in my head.
Depression sucks. It's the only way I can describe it to you. I mean everyone gets depressed once and a while, right? But some people like myself, get it for no reason whatsoever and at any time. Something as stupid as a song like "Mad World" can set you off. Most people hear songs like that and forget about them two seconds later when the next happy-go-luck tune pops on. People like me don't forget it. We can't push the words out. Just like we can't push out the bad thoughts. That's why I spend my dark days reliving all of those bad moments in my life. The moment my dad told me my mom died. The moment I found Ellie dead. The moment I saw that gun pointed at me. And most recently, the moment Brooke Davis slapped me across the face and called me a lying, boyfriend stealing, two faced bitch…or something of that nature.
It kind of feels like one of those nightmares where you know it's a dream but you can't wake yourself from it. You can't stop the bad things from happening. That's what depression feels like for me. Eventually it ends. The thoughts fade out and all that's left is a light aching in your chest. Something's missing in your life. Depression reminds you of that.
This is where I let out a sigh and shrug my shoulders. Life goes on. I just keep reminding myself of that. Besides, I just reached the apartment and I can't go in there looking all broody and depressed. Nathan and Haley have had a rough month. No need to make them feel any worse. I walk up to the door, carrying a tray of cookies I brought. I ring the doorbell twice and push my bangs out of my eyes.
"Peyton!" Haley answers the door with a bright grin on her face. She pulls me into a fierce hug almost smashing my tray.
"Hey Hales," I mumble into her shoulder. We break apart and she spots the tray.
"You baked!"
"No, Mrs. Fields did."
"Oh thank God," Nathan says from the kitchen, "We want to be able to eat them."
"Very funny, Nate. I'll have you know I'm a great cook."
"I'm sure you are," Nathan says with a grin. We sit down to dinner which happens to be homemade by Haley. It's that kind of dinner I used to have when my mom was still alive. Chicken, rice and salad. I'm so used to my liquid dinner consisting of bourbon and the occasional beer that my stomach can barely handle a few bites of it. I feel bad because it tastes really good, and I don't want Haley thinking otherwise.
"What do you think?" Haley asks eagerly half way through our meal.
"It's delicious," I say trying to force a spoonful of rice down my throat. I gag a little and force my hand over my mouth.
"It's terrible, isn't it?" Haley says.
"No, Hales it's great," Nathan says giving me a look, "Peyton just was laughing at the face I made, right Peyton?"
"Actually Haley the meal is not the problem," I say wiping my mouth with my napkin, "I just haven't sat down to eat dinner in a month or so. My stomach isn't used to eating this late." I give her an apologetic smile.
"You don't eat dinner?" Haley says giving me a disbelieving look.
"I drink my dinner. I go to the bar at around six and don't get home until twelve. Then, I usual have to carry Rachel inside and hold Bevin's hair while she throws up for another two hours. By the time that's over with, I don't have enough energy to make myself anything. I just go to bed. I guess my body just got used to it."
"Oh." She looks down at her plate obviously regretting doubting me.
"We probably should have done lunch instead," I joke.
"You don't eat at lunch either," Nathan says moving his rice around the plate.
"I eat when I come home from school. In the morning, I don't have time to pack anything because I'm usually making coffee or running late." Why does it feel like I'm suddenly on trial?
"I know you eat breakfast," Haley says with a smirk, "How many boxes of cereal did you buy last week?"
"Oh my gosh," I blush, "You saw that!"
"Yeah, I was two carts behind you in line." Haley and I both share a laugh while Nathan looks at us with a raised eyebrow.
"What happened?" Nathan asked.
"I bought twenty boxes of cereal," I mumble.
"Twenty?"
"Well, half were to give away to the poor." I rationalize.
"And the other ten?" Nathan chuckles.
"What can I say? I like my cheerios."
"Eww!" Haley says scrunching her nose, "I hate cheerios." My mouth drops at the words.
"How can you hate cheerios?"
"I just do," she says, "I'd take a bowl of Count Chocula over it any day."
"And now you get to eat them," Nathan adds. Haley smiles back at him.
"Why couldn't you eat them before?" I ask, curious.
"Brooke has this whole cheerleaders' diet thing-"
"Don't I know," I mutter.
"Right, well, I'm not longer on the squad so, so much for dieting!" I choke on the water I was sipping as soon as the words tumble out of her mouth.
"What?"
"Yeah, well you know that pact Rachel and Bevin were talking about…"
"Oh, Haley," I sigh.
"I couldn't do it, Peyton. She promised me that I wouldn't have to choose sides and then she springs this pact on us! I wasn't going to be bullied into something like that. She understood why I did it and I understood why she couldn't let me be on the squad. It would be hypocritical." Yeah, that would be a first. Brooke being hypocritical. (Note: I'm being sarcastic again.)
"That sucks, Haley," I say, choosing to take the high road and not comment on Brooke being a total bitch to Haley.
"Cheerleading was never really my thing," she shrugs, "What about you though? Do you miss it?"
"Surprisingly yes," I say with a ghost of a smile, "Cheering was a lot more fun than I thought it was."
"But you still cheer," Nathan says with a smirk, "Just informally."
"Oh yeah! I heard about that! You and Rachel caused quite a stir at the last game."
"Hey it was actually Bevin and Rachel who started it! I just joined in," I say.
"What was your cheer again?" Nathan asks, "Come on Ravens shoot that ball…"
"Nathan Scott can't make them all," I finish for him. Haley cracks up at it.
"And Tim actually put up a shot and made it."
"Wow, Peyton," Haley says, "You inspired Tim!"
"Great. The world is a better place now," I say deadpan.
It's about two hours later and I'm ready to go home. I had an awesome time with Haley and Nathan. We laughed so much, my sides still hurt. I'm even considering skipping TRIC tonight. Bevin called during dinner to tell me she and the girls were still going and that I could catch up later, but I just don't feel like it. I feel like going home and getting a good night sleep. Maybe I'll even pack myself a lunch for school.
"I had a great time, Hales," I say as I slip my jacket on.
"I did too. We need to do this more often."
"Definitely. I'm sorry I couldn't eat dinner. I promise you, though, that it was really good."
"I'll just have to make you margaritas next time instead," she says giving me a hug, "Do you want your tray back. Because I can bring it to school tomorrow."
"No, you can keep it."
"Thanks for coming, Sawyer," Nathan says giving me a big hug.
"No problem, Nate," I turn and open the door. To my surprise and utter shock, Brooke Davis is standing at the door front, preparing to knock. Lucas is standing behind her. And all those good feeling I had before just evaporate in a puff of smoke.
"Oh look, Nathan and Haley have invited my lying, back-stabbing bitch of an ex-best friend over," she says, smirking from ear to ear.
"Brooke," Lucas warns. She just rolls her eyes at him.
"Don't you just look adorable today, Peyton," she says, "I can't even smell the smoke on your jacket right now? Did you find a stronger perfume?" I just put my sunglasses on and keep walking.
"Davis," I mutter trying to push myself past her. I refuse to respond to her antics. She stops me by pulling on my arm.
"Listen, I need to pick up the stuff I left at your house. When won't you be home?"
"I don't know," I say impatiently, "Just come over whenever and I'll stay in the living room."
"I'll be over tomorrow then," she says with narrowed eyes.
"The sooner the better," I say. I turn back to Nathan and Haley who are standing at their doorway, still in shock at what must be the worst timing in the world, "Thanks again for dinner, guys." I walk off but not before Brooke throws one more jab at me.
"Who wears shades at night anyways?" I hear it just as I reach the bottom of the porch steps. I turn around to see her looking at me in disgust.
"Your lipstick was blinding me," I say with a smirk before heading to my car. Ok, so much for not retaliating. She set herself up for that one anyways! Yes, I know that doesn't make it right. But she started it. She called me a back-stabbing, lying bitch. And though I've heard it many times before, it still hurts...but whatever, I'm over it.
I guess that's a lie. Because I've unconsciously lit a cigarette and placed it in my mouth. It takes two or three drags for me to realize that I just broke another one of my rules. If that's not bad enough, I'm driving to TRIC, intent on getting a strong shot of bourbon and trying to forget Brooke Penelope Davis even exists.