Title: In Admiration - Part 39

Fandom: Lost

Characters: Jack Shephard, Boone Carlyle

Prompt: #46 Winter

Author's Notes: Written for the LiveJournal community slash100 (underscore between "slash" and "100" – for some reason FFN deletes it)

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Sun had insistently urged Jack to get out of the caves after the surgery was over. It had been successful, draining well and the leg looking like it had returned to its normal size after Jack had stitched up in incision in Boone's calf. All he could do now was wait and hope there was no infection or that Boone didn't die from shock. His body had got through a lot in the last twenty four hours, and Jack just hoped he had enough strength left to heal. Jack wouldn't be able to know anything for sure until Boone woke up and could tell him how he felt, so in the meantime, Sun had kicked him out, made him get some fresh air and sleep. Sleep was the last thing on Jack's mind.

Claire was at the beach, surrounded by a crowd who wanted to see the new baby, a boy, who looked perfectly healthy to Jack and Claire seemed to be doing well. He knew Kate would be able to do it, but Jack avoided her gaze, not wanting to see how worried she was since he was already worried enough. Jack felt Kate put a hand on his shoulder, and only when he turned to walk away did he realize why Kate was trying to get his attention - Sayid and Shannon were approaching them from further down the beach, looking happy, which just made what Jack needed to tell them all the more difficult, but Shannon needed to know, and it seemed like Boone wanted her there from the times Jack had heard him mumbling her name.

He felt more and more exhausted with every step he took towards Shannon and Sayid, the stress suddenly catching up and refusing to let go. Jack must have looked as bad as he felt since when Shannon noticed him, the smile was wiped right off her face and she leaned noticeably into Sayid, looking scared. He didn't get farther than saying Boone had been in an accident before she started crying, listening patiently to what Jack recounted as Sayid wrapped an arm around Shannon's waist, holding her tight. Jack left out the details about Locke, a hatch, and the plane, instead saying that Boone hadn't regained consciousness when he left and that she should go see him. Shannon left with a silent nod, wiping the tears from her eyes as she headed off towards the caves; Sayid followed her, looking like he was trying to find the right thing to say to Jack but not grasping the words he wanted.

The fact that November had only just started left Jack with a vague sense of hope. His father and some of the other surgeons had a certain superstition about winter: that higher numbers of fatalities came with cold weather because it was a hard time for everything alive, a time when nature killed those that were weaker with harsh temperatures. The superstition had never made sense to Jack, being in California, but all surgeons had their beliefs, and they weren't to be questioned.

"Is he going to be okay?"

Jack startled at the voice - he hadn't heard Kate approach. "I won't be able to tell until he wakes up." He turned, scanning through the cluster of people a good distance behind Kate who were still looking at Claire's baby. "He could be perfectly fine, or he could be dying."

"You did everything you could, Jack," Kate said, and Jack could tell that she thought she was being reassuring, but her tone grated on his nerves.

"Boone isn't dead so don't talk to me like he is." Kate flinched at the edge in his voice, but Jack wasn't going to apologize. He knew that he did everything could, but now it was a matter of if everything he could do was enough. Jack remembered what Boone had said about John telling him not to tell, and he had noticed that the man wasn't at the beach. Jack couldn't remember seeing him at the caves, either. "Where's Locke?"

"No one's seen him. He said Boone fell, Jack, you can't blame him for an accident."

"It wasn't an accident."

"But John said..."

"John was lying!" Jack ran a hand over his head, trying to calm down, taking deep breaths and closing his eyes, but his mind's eye kept flashing to when Locke entered the caves, his shirt soaked through with blood, Boone slung limply across his shoulders. This was replaced by the image of Boone struggling to breathe as his lung collapsed, the raspy sound filling his ears. Jack opened his eyes when an image of Boone, cold and still, took over his mind, seeing that Kate was still standing in front of him, looking at Jack like he'd completely lost it. "Boone woke up for a little bit, and he said that Locke had told him not to tell anyone whatever it was they were doing out in that damned jungle everyday, so you can't say he isn't to blame. If Boone hadn't woken up I wouldn't have found out what really happened to treat him correctly, but it may have been too late as it is. Boone could still die if the treatment hadn't been soon enough."

"It won't be your fault. You might be able to put some responsibility on John, but you can't blame yourself."

Jack eyed her coolly before starting to walk back across the beach to get to the caves, leaving Kate standing by herself. "I promised Boone that I would save him," he called back, not turning to face her. "If he dies, that will be a weight I bear no matter who is ultimately responsible." He passed those that were on the beach, ignoring as he heard some of them calling out his name, picking up his pace once he got into the trees to put distance between himself and everyone else.

He started running, not particularly in the direction of the caves, but Jack needed to clear his head. His body was too weak from the blood transfusion to keep moving as he was without passing out, and he collapsed into a tree, pressing his back against the trunk as he sank to the ground. Jack closed his eyes, willing his strength to return, and he thought about that evening that seemed so long ago when he'd encountered Boone on the path between the caves and the beach, how good it had felt the first time they had kissed, bodies held close to one another with the moonlight coming through the trees around them.

No one else was around, and Jack finally let go, tears coming unbidden as he rubbed as his eyes. His father's superstition had been about winter, and Jack's had been to not get too close to patients. Sarah had changed that, being in his care before they became involved, and now he was facing the opposite situation with Boone. It was easier as a surgeon to not care about the person, just the procedure. The divorce had been difficult enough, and if the worst case scenario happened and Boone died, Jack had no idea what he was going to do. He couldn't just run to Thailand again and drown himself in bad whiskey and poker. Jack cried for Boone who he cared for so much and didn't know yet if he'd been able to save him, and he also cried for himself, for the doubts he had about what Boone had been doing with Locke everyday and not taking steps to prevent this from happening.

Jack stayed there leaned against the tree until the tears stopped flowing, and he regained his composure. He stood slowly, not sure how much of his strength was back, and found the path that lead back to the caves, not moving as quickly as he wanted to since it wouldn't do Boone any good if he passed out there in the jungle. Jack hoped for a good sign, that Boone was awake, and that eventually Locke would return so he could beat the living hell out of the man.