No one talks about what happened. Ursa is moved to a suite, given food, given scrolls, given whatever she wants except the freedom to leave her rooms and Zuko's attention as he still doesn't know what to do with her. Amka continues to heal Suki and Hakoda, pleased as Suki begins to pack on the pounds and her skin regains some decent color. Once she and Zuko are healed, Katara helps out with Suki and her father as well with great success. Zuko and Aang practice firebending, though Zuko pushes himself too hard, trying to forget what it feels like to burn someone alive. Iroh sends orders to his ship to coordinate with others but resolutely refuses to leave his nephew's side. Sokka practices with his sword and has taken to practicing Kyoshi Warrior moves with Amka under Suki's tutelage. She may not get up and practice with them, but they hear the commanding edge return to her voice from time to time. She gets lost staring into space too often but Sokka tries to pull her back with especially bad jokes. Hakoda tries his hand at a club but still tires quickly.
For the first time in a long time, Toph feels the weight of her blindness, of her own humanity. She didn't go into the house because of the wood, she couldn't see in there. She hadn't been able to tell that Ursa was lying. What use was she to the team if she couldn't help when it mattered, if she couldn't stop someone like Ursa from hurting her friends? She withdraws from the group, spending more time tunneling under the town, calling it 'reconnaissance' but in reality just trying to forget. In the tunnels, surrounded by rocks and earth, she can see as well as anyone else. She's not blind down there. She knows the others notice but no one quite knows what to say to each other anymore or what to say in general so they let her be.
To her surprise it's Suki that finally says something. "Why do you keep running off?" The Kyoshi Warrior questions as Toph leaves the courtyard one morning.
"You know, just keeping an eye on things."
"I don't have to be a bender like you to know you're lying," Suki states.
Toph raises an eyebrow. "Fine. You're telling me you don't want to run off? You don't want to get out of here, away from all this tension every now and then?"
Suki laughs coarsely, "I do. Believe me, I do."
"So why don't you?" Toph asks, emotions she's purposefully ignoring creeping into her voice. "You could run away from all of it, go back to Kyoshi and forget about the Fire Nation." She can't forget the skeletons in Ba Sing Se, the horror when she realized that's what she was sensing. She can't forget feeling the people screaming under the mountain in Hama's village. She can't forget feeling helpless as everyone ran around helping Zuko and Katara while she was left out of the loop and unable to do anything meaningful. She can't run far enough away to forget the feeling of helplessness.
Suki shrugs, understanding all too well. "No matter where I go or what I do, the Fire Nation will follow me. Even if it's not the war, I still carry the Fire Nation with me." She rubs the burn scar, faded some from the intense healing but it will never be pretty. Her stomach still hurts, hell she still hurts even though her body is healing so quickly, and the overwhelming desire to eat everything, to hoard whatever food is near, is her new constant companion. She's too jumpy, she shakes, she swears she sees a guard every time a shadow moves. She hates what she's become but doesn't know how to stop it. "There's so much-" she stops, sighs, then starts again. "I had to watch Sokka and Zuko fight Azula and I couldn't help. I never want to feel like that again. I want Ozai and everyone who listens to him, everyone who believes in him, to pay for what they've done."
"So that's why you stay, huh? To make them pay?"
"Yes." Suki thinks back to the day she met Amka, the sincerity in the young woman's eyes when she told her that she was sure someone was alive because of Suki's actions. Maybe there's another reason to stay, maybe she can help. "I can't change what happened. But I can damn well try to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else."
Toph smiles. The Kyoshi Warrior is different than she expected. At the very least, someone else understands what it feels like to be unable to do the things everyone else can. "You know, I can forgo recon for one day. What do you say I get some ice cream for us?"
Suki smiles back. "That sounds good."
. . . . .
Sokka hadn't unpacked. After so long on the move it had seemed unnecessary and quite frankly, odd to not live out of a bag. With everything going on though he needs some semblance of permanence, something to tell him it isn't all going to be snatched away from him in an instant, even if they are going to fight the Fire Lord soon. He sets his belongings up, utilizing the small cupboard beside his bed. At the bottom, purposefully buried underneath clothes he finds his hairclip, Yue's hairclip really, that he's tried to forget about. He's avoided asking Amka about her, not wanting to hear the answer, not wanting to know who her husband is now. Besides, he needs to take care of Suki.
He gets up to find said Kyoshi Warrior but changes his mind once he sees her sitting on a bench with Toph and Amka truly smiling for the first time in far too long. Amka runs healing water over her back, massaging it into sore, weak muscles. Suki and Toph relax, eating ice cream together. Katara wanders up hesitantly. "Hey, you mind some company?" Since the almost successful attempt on her life and subsequent poisoning of Zuko, she's been much more nervous, much shier than she was before as if she's unsure if they'll suddenly decide they hate her and she isn't good enough to be there.
"Come on, Sugar Queen," Toph quite literally pulls up another seat. "I got some ice cream for you, too."
"Oh, thanks!" Katara smiles warmly.
"So, we need to do something different tonight," Amka decides. "We've all been in this compound for days hardly leaving except to go on short food runs."
"Not me," Toph adds. "I've done stuff." Run away from all of you, away from the fear hanging in the air.
"Yes, but I'm not talking about tunnels. I'm talking about a spa day. I'm sure somewhere on this puffed up island there's a spa, maybe a nice hot spring."
"I don't know," Suki replies, self-consciously patting down her hair. It's growing with all of the food and healing but it's still patchy.
"Don't worry, it'll be fun!" Amka smiles at the warrior, hoping she'll enjoy it. She needs a day to forget. Her body may be healing well but her mind, her soul, that will take time and maybe, just maybe a spa day will help at least a little.
"I suppose it could be nice," Suki acquiesces, turning away from the overwhelming sincerity of the healer's gaze.
"Fine, but I have the same rule that I did in Ba Sing Se, no one and I mean no one touches my feet!"
Within the hour they're off. Iroh may or may not have pushed gold coins into their hands, ordering them to have a good time when he heard, along with giving them directions to the best spa on the island. He may or may not have also sent a tea shopping list with them.
They have to catch a skiff out to the smaller island but the view alone is worth it. Tall bamboo throws shade over the walkway as they pass through a wooden gate which opens up to the most luxurious site they've ever seen. The boardwalk extends to little bungalows on stilts in the ocean, the waves gently lapping against the beams. The sand has been dug out and stone placed down so the ocean creates a small pool to swim in even during low tide. The staff wanders about, never too busy, never in too much of a hurry, bringing drinks, sizzling fish, and piles of fruit around to the guests.
A woman in a white and pink outfit – the ruched skirt that's so common on the island and a top that exposes her midriff – smiles at them as she approaches. Her eyes roam over them, taking in the two waterbenders' dark skin, Toph's resolute stance on the sand, not the wood, and Suki's hair that has been pulled back from her face in an attempt to hide the uneven look of it.
"Hi," Katara greets her. "We're maids up on the island. We were given the day off and told to come here," she lies, explaining the story they'd all come up with. "Our mistress has a party coming up and wants us all to look well rested."
The woman's eyes flick to Suki though she tries to hide it and continues smiling at them, "We'll see what we can do. What services were you hoping for today?"
"Uh, everything?"
They show the money Iroh had given them and the woman's demeanor is suddenly even more friendly. "Of course, right this way!" She leads them past the bungalows, past the stone pool, through another gate, and finally to a secluded house hidden among more bamboo stalks with a private beach. Hammocks and padded tables are out front while steam fills the inside, rising from a fountain in the middle of the building.
"Here, please feel free to relax as we get everything ready for you." The woman bows low, leaving them. They hardly have time to remove their shoes before more people come with trays full of fruit, drinks, and whatever else their hearts could possibly desire. Katara watches as they set up bottles of perfumes and oils inside the villa and beside the padded tables. There isn't much chance to relax before the women are gently but firmly corralled to the sand beside the tables.
A new woman with hardly any makeup but perfectly manicured nails and shiny hair claps her hands together. "Welcome ladies to the Irriki Resort and Spa. Today we have a special experience planned for you. First, we will begin with a hot stone and deep tissue massage. Then, we will move into the steam room where the jasmine steam will open your pores and let stress melt away. That will be followed by a mud bath then a seaweed wrap. Finally, you will all be treated to our luxury salon services where we will make you over to enhance your inner beauty and bring it to the surface. Of course, if you choose you can spend your time swimming in our crystal clear waters or relaxing in one of the hammocks. Today is your day, you can do whatever you want." She bows to the group before gesturing to the padded massage tables.
It takes some getting used to but most of the group enjoys the massage. Toph especially enjoys the hot stones and has to resist the urge to bend them out of the masseuse's hands. Suki, however takes one look at the table, the thought of someone's hands on her, and promptly decides to sit this bit out. Instead, she finds solace in a shaded hammock, happily eating the turtlecrab dumplings brought out to her. Here, with the sun dappling the ground and the ocean breeze caressing her face, Suki almost feels like she's home. She's been away for far too long.
She doesn't want to think about how long she was in that hellhole, how much of her they destroyed. When this is all over she's going back to Kyoshi and may very well never leave it again, she decides. She's seen enough of the world to know that everything she needs, everything she could want is on that island. If she's able, she'll still be a Kyoshi Warrior. Suki scowls, rubbing the scar once again. If she's able. If she's not constantly on edge, constantly waiting to be beaten or worse. If she's not waking up in the middle of the night with sweat pouring down her back.
Her thoughts find their way back to Sokka. He's been a comfort. She can tell when he's trying to make her laugh, when he's trying to distract her from her thoughts. He saved her from hell. He brought her back to safety. What will he expect in return? She shakes her head. No, he's not like that. It's not a transaction. She's not in the Boiling Rock. She doesn't have to pay for safety.
Amka won't ask anything of her either. The younger woman's dedication to her healing is appreciated if intimidating. She'd helped when the North Pole was attacked but the damage was much less than it could have been due to Iroh so there were enough healers to go around. Amka hadn't been called on to treat the truly gruesome wounds, what few of them there were. In the few days she'd known the healer, she'd discovered the woman's intense desire to leave the Northern Water Tribe and go somewhere she could actually help. Amka had also taken an interest in the Kyoshi Warriors and had expressed on more than one occasion how much she'd love to be able to really fight. She even practices stances with Sokka. They're both so gentle, so kind and caring and she wants to scream!
Her fingernails dig into her palms, cutting flesh. He treats her like an invalid, they all do. She should be fighting! She should be training! Her body is healing, she should be able to do more, be more! Bamboo swishes behind her and she jumps. It's just a squirreltoad. She groans, dropping her head into her hands. It's not just a squirreltoad, it's another reminder of her own limitations, her own fears. How can she fight when she flinches? The Kyoshi Warrior glares at the ocean, the lapping waves, and the sun's reflection. She will fight during the comet. She will be ready, and she will take down everything in her path.
. . . . .
Zuko kneels in front of his mother's door, a door that he'd ordered closed, studying the carvings on it. He wants to say something, wants to reach out, but after what she did how can he? She tried and almost succeeded in killing Katara, all for what? For her misguided belief that he would be better off? Katara was worried about that enough, she was just starting to get comfortable in Shji, and then his own mother went against her!
He pinches his brow. Katara's withdrawn so much, shrinking in on herself around everyone, even pulling away from him. She sleeps on the edge of the bed, curled up away from him and why, because his own mother betrayed him! Katara probably hates him. She would be right to. He looks at the door again, wishing that things had been different, wishing that he could have simply enjoyed his mother's presence, the mother he's yearned for so many times over the past decade. Instead, a gaping chasm stretches between them, one that will never be crossed. Zuko sighs, getting up and leaving the door behind him. He needs to find something to distract himself from the demons dancing around his brain.
The prince passes Iroh on his way to bring Ursa lunch and tea. Uncle smiles at the young man, a smile that is only barely returned. Iroh's cheery expression falters as he stares at the door. Ursa was supposed to be trustworthy. He just hadn't expected her to be more loyal to Fire Lord Zuko than to her son Zuko.
With a polite knock he enters. The beach house is bright and airy and these rooms are no exception. Iroh sees Ursa standing on the balcony overlooking the forest, her hair fluttering in the ocean breeze. Iroh calls out to her, wondering if today will be any different.
She turns, just as graceful as she had always been. "Iroh, have you decided to let me speak to my son today?"
He sighs as they sit down at a short table to eat. "I'm not stopping you, you know that. He doesn't want to see you."
"I'm his mother, of course he wants to see me!"
Iroh looks at the woman with pity in his eyes, not saying anything.
Ursa eventually looks away. "Does he at least know how sorry I am?"
"Are you though? You're sorry you accidentally poisoned him but that's not why he's not speaking to you and you know it."
"Iroh, I'm sure you see the way those two look at each other. Do you really expect him to not try to make her the Fire Lady?"
Iroh slowly sips his tea. "I expect nothing less. She'll make an excellent Fire Lady, the people will love her, the Navy loves her, and the people seeing Zuko so in love will help them love him even more."
Ursa scowls, shredding the fire flake in her hands. "The court will disapprove. Once he loses their support, it's all over for him."
"The court supported your husband, my dear. Once we win, they will either support Zuko or they won't be there. It's as simple as that."
She scoffs in reply. "You think my son would support mass executions and exiles? I may not know him well anymore but I've seen enough to know he's too kind-hearted for that."
"Yes," Iroh shrugs, "but there are ways to gain support besides violence. We will make the Fire Nation truly prosperous and if a few loyalists happen to fall down the stairs in the process I'm sure no one will mind."
"You're a fool to think it will be that easy."
"The people are hungry for change. They're tired of sending their sons and daughters off to die for the cause. With the people's and the military's support, Zuko will do just fine and Katara will bring support and trade from most likely both Water Tribes."
"Her children may not be firebenders."
"And yours weren't guaranteed to be either. No one's children are guaranteed to be benders."
"You know what I mean!"
"Yes, and Zuko's happiness concerns me more than that possibility."
There's nothing she can say to that, no argument that can be made.
. . . . .
Sokka sits with his dad, grateful for the older warrior's presence. "How're you feeling?"
Hakoda flexes his fingers, sore from his training with the club. "I'd feel better if you and your sister stopped treating me like some delicate flower," he replies, only partly joking.
"Dad, I just want to make sure you're okay."
"I know." Hakoda pulls his son close. His muscles are stronger, his daughter and the healer had seen to that. Physically, he was fine. Physically, other than his bald head, he was the same as when he'd left, at least aside from the haunted look in his eyes. He hadn't been there long, he hadn't been subjected to the true horror of the Boiling Rock, but watching his countrymen being beaten and used as menial labor – proud warriors and even women who had been taken from their homes – and listening to the things that Chang bastard had kept telling him, it was enough to almost break him. Now, in the safety of the beach house, he still can't shake the feeling of being watched or stop the flood of emotions that wash over him every time he sees his children safe and sound. How is he supposed to watch them fight when the comet comes? How is he supposed to let them potentially go to their deaths or even worse, go to a place like the Boiling Rock?
"Dad? You're shaking, what's wrong?"
Hakoda is forced out of his thoughts. He looks down at his hands only to realize he is, in fact, shaking. It takes a moment, but he calms down, his hands stilling. "Nothing, Sokka. I'm fine. How's Suki doing?"
Sokka welcomes the change in topic but is unsure of what to say. "I don't know. I worry about her but there's nothing I can really do to help." He gestures helplessly. "I feel powerless."
"I understand. I felt like that when I found out what Katara had been through, especially seeing how different she is from the little girl I left behind, how different you both are."
"Yeah, well we grew up. You and Suki…it's different."
"I know." Hakoda again searches around for something, anything to say to his son. It's difficult for him to admit it, but these small moments with his children are the best of his life. He's lucky to see them, to spend so much time with them now, no matter how much it pains him to see how much they've grown. "Have you found any good fishing spots here?"
. . . . .
Aang wanders around the royal compound, unsure of what to do with himself after hours of training. Sokka and Hakoda offer to take him fishing with them but the idea of some poor creature flailing at the end of a hook sounds downright repulsive. He walks up and down the beach, lost in his own thoughts. He was a runner, he's always been a runner. Seeing Guru Pathik had helped him become a better Avatar, one who is willing to take whatever steps are needed for peace, but Guru Pathik didn't teach how to stop running. Running from his people, running from his responsibility, and now fighting the urge to run away from his friends and defeat the Fire Lord on his own and try to keep them safe.
He's the Avatar. He has to keep the whole world in mind while they focus on their immediate problems, immediate problems that he can't help with at all. All he could do while Zuko and Katara were dying was stand there like an unhelpful, useless idiot. Aang sighs. Yes, it's better to just focus on the world. Ozai will fall just as Chang the Conqueror, Koh the Face Stealer, and many, many more did. Aang plops onto the sand, hugging his knees to his chest, staring out at the ocean. Ozai will fall, his friends will be safe, and he will go on, keeping the world safe as best he can.
. . . . .
Katara grits her teeth as her muscles are nearly pounded into oblivion. She's not sure why the Fire Nation considers this an enjoyable experience but at least the hot stones at the end help relieve some of the tension. The woman who's been kneading her shoulders like dough has commented repeatedly that she carries all of her stress in her shoulders. It's nice to be here though. No one here knows who she is, no one is trying to kill her. Here she doesn't have to think about Zuko and how she's the reason his reunion with his mother, the woman he's missed for years, didn't go well. She can't imagine how she'd even feel if she were in his shoes. He must hate her. He can hardly stand to look at her and it's obvious. Hell, even when she tries to comfort him when his nightmares wake him up her brushes her off. She blinks back tears. That's not what today is about, she's not going to cry dammit.
The steam room is better. Suki rejoins them, settling in beside Amka as the delicate scent of jasmine hangs in the air. Amka's lived her entire life behind the walls of the Northern Water Tribe, only leaving a couple months ago because of Katara's influence. She knows there are horrors in the world. She's heard the stories, she saw Suki's scars and what Prince Zuko's own mother did, but as she looks around at the faces in the steam her heart lodges itself firmly in her throat. Each one is closed off, lost in private, somber thoughts. She claps her hands together, startling her companions. "So! What did everyone think of the massage? I've never had one before."
"Oh, it was nice," Katara replies, "Though I could have done with a bit less pressure."
Toph snorts. "We should have switched ladies, I felt like I was being tickled!"
"That's only because you have komodo rhino hide for skin!"
Katara has to resist the urge to send a small waterwhip at the earth bender, instead opting for sticking her tongue out. Amka laughs before turning to Suki who's watching with a distant expression on her face. "How about you? I saw they brought you some food, what was it?"
Suki shakes herself. "Oh it was turtlecrab dumplings. They were really good."
"Oh, that sounds delicious! I haven't had those before." Slowly but surely Amka draws everyone out of their shells until by the end of the steam session they're all laughing, even the Kyoshi Warrior. The mud bath and seaweed wraps go as well as can be expected. Toph loves the mud, enthusiastically squelching it between her toes, and tolerates the seaweed. Suki is hesitant about the seaweed until one of the women applying it touches her hand gently. "My sister had a burn like that and the seaweed wraps really helped." Suki tenses, fighting down the urge to snarl and pull her arm back. The woman means no harm but that doesn't change the sting of shame. Suki sits silently as the seaweed is applied, loathe to admit it does actually feel kind of nice. There were treatments like this back on Kyoshi but she'd always preferred the massages and facials to the wraps.
To her surprise, the salon treatment does include a facial. This, she can finally relax with. She closes her eyes, letting the woman massage lotion into her skin and run her fingers through her short hair. For a moment she can forget. She can forget everything as the fingers massage her scalp. A light dusting of makeup is applied to each of them and then, after several hours of pampering, the experience is over. Amka smiles at the other women, overjoyed at how much better everyone seems to be feeling. Even Suki walks with a lighter step. The healer smiles at her which Suki surprisingly does return. Amka lights up, happiness swelling inside of her. This moment, the smiles, the setting sun, all of it's perfect.
Dinner that night is much better than it has been in a while. Not because of the food but simply because for the first time since the Boiling Rock, people are actually talking. They all sit outside, everyone except Ursa at least, sharing fruit, rice, even a few fire flakes, along with the fish that Sokka and Hakoda had brought. As the evening winds down and everyone heads to bed, Katara and Zuko find themselves in their room together, the sudden weight between them painfully obvious. They haven't spoken about anything that happened. They've hardly spoken at all if they're honest with themselves. Eventually Katara just sighs. "I won't make this any harder on you than it already is. I'll go find somewhere else to sleep. I'm sorry about everything." She forces each sentence out through clenched teeth.
Zuko blinks. "What?"
She walks towards the bed, starting to grab things out of the nightstand, completely missing the confusion clear on Zuko's face. "I made things difficult between you and your mom. Hell, you were poisoned because of me. I don't blame you for being mad at me, I really don't."
"Katara, I'm-"
"It's fine, Zuko," she looks at him in the dim light, thankful that he can't see how very close to tears she is. "I completely understand. I know how important your mother is to you and maybe she's right that I'll only be a threat to you once you're on the throne." You make him weak, waterbender. Ursa was right. With that she turns on her heel, walking out of the room.
Zuko blinks again, still not entirely sure of what just happened. She thinks he's mad at her? No, that's not right. She's mad at him, right? Surely she doesn't think he doesn't want her around? The thoughts chase after each other, unsure of how she feels, unsure of what she thinks. He hardly got a word in edgewise though. Maybe she really does think he's mad at her. He can't let that stand. He can't let her leave his bed, their bed, their room, the life he was hoping to have with her without at least telling her how he feels. Without another thought he grabs her present, the one he's been wanting to give her for so long and sets off in search of her.
"Shit," he mutters to himself, looking out at the empty hallway. Where would she have gone? He opens the first door only to startle an undressing Sokka.
"What the hell!" he yelps, closing his tunic quickly. "Can't a guy get a little privacy?"
"Sorry. Have you seen Katara?"
"No, why, what's wrong?"
"She thinks I'm mad at her and that I don't want her around or something."
"What," Sokka scoffs, "she'd have to be crazy."
Zuko shrugs, closing the door and continuing his search. Two empty rooms and one surprised Aang later he finds her fluffing the pillows in a room hidden away in a far corner of the house. "Katara?"
Her shoulders slump. "Yeah, Zuko?" She doesn't turn around, instead opting to wipe away tears where he can't see.
"I don't know why you think I'm mad at you. What did I do?"
She turns slightly, her eyebrows furrowed. "We've hardly spoken since, since you know. And you don't look at me, you don't talk to me. What else am I supposed to think? I took your mother away from you."
"Katara!" He grabs her shoulder, spinning her around to face him. "My mother tried to kill you! Twice! You didn't take her away, she did it to herself and I could never be mad at you! As for the not talking, I – I didn't know what to say," he finishes quietly. "I can't believe she did that to you because of me and I was so sure you," he gulps and has to restart, "I was so sure you wouldn't want to be around me after that."
Katara bites her lip, forcing it not to quiver. "You're not mad at me?" she asks, her heart beating against her rips.
"No, I'm not." He grabs her face in his hands. "I could never be mad at you."
"I- I thought," her defenses crumble and tears begin to well up, "I thought you hated me," she cries.
Zuko pulls her close. "Never. Not in a thousand years." She hugs him back just as tightly, relishing the warmth, and the relief that spreads over her. Eventually Zuko lets go, looking sheepishly at the floor. "I have something for you. It never seemed like the right time but I want you to have this." Her eyes widen as he pulls the necklace from his pocket, holding it gently in his hands. "It's pretty like you," he mumbles, thankful that the dim moonlight doesn't illuminate his burning cheeks.
Katara runs her fingers over it, taking in the delicate gold dragons and the large stone. Sokka had said he'd bought a betrothal necklace but this is more beautiful than she could have imagined. She looks up at him, her heart in her throat. Yes, a thousand times yes, she wants to shout but the words are stuck. Mutely, as if speaking will ruin the moment, she nods and holds her hair up for him to fasten it around her neck. The silk ribbon is cool against her skin and she can't stop touching the stone. It's real. She can't believe this is happening. He lets her hair down and pulls him in for a kiss, not letting go until they're both out of air. She touches the stone again before kissing him one more time.
"I guess you like it?"
"It's wonderful, Zuko!"
Relief washes over him. For a moment when she didn't speak he'd been afraid she thought it was ugly. "Good, I'm glad you like it. Now, come back to bed okay?" She laughs and nods while he picks up her small pile of stuff and marches out of the room. Finally, for the first time since the Boiling Rock, the pair can rest without a gaping hole between them. They drift off to sleep, Katara safe in Zuko's arms, his face buried in her neck.
The heat wakes her up. It's stifling and for a moment she can't figure out why she's shaking. Zuko groans, low and strained and Katara realizes with a jolt that he's the middle of a nightmare, one it seems he's had every night since coming back. "Wake up!" She grabs his shoulder but he's hot to the touch. She grits her teeth and shakes him anyway. "Zuko, wake up!"
The moment forces him awake and in a moment he's ready to fight, ready to hurt that bastard all over again. Fire lights up his palm but quickly sputters out as he realizes it's only Katara here. He's in the beach house. He's safe.
He scowls, maybe it's good that she'd been sleeping so far away from him.
"Are you okay? What was the dream about?"
He just shakes his head. "Nothing, Katara. I'm fine," he responds gruffly as he has every other night. This time he sees her face fall at those words and her shoulders slump.
"Oh. Okay."
His gut twists. He doesn't want to tell her. He doesn't want to see the look in her eyes when she realizes he's a killer. Zuko glances at her again as she lays back down with her back to him, obviously hurt. Zuko sighs, not wanting to tell her but unable to bear the pain he realizes he's putting her through. "What have you been told about the Boiling Rock?"
Katara rolls over. "Not much. No one wants to talk about it but I can guess from what my dad and Suki looked like."
Zuko shakes his head. "By the time you saw them they looked amazing compared to how we found them."
Katara frowns. "That's not possible," she mutters.
"It is. Suki was skin and bones and that was about it. Your father was better off but they'd starved him. When we were breaking them out my sister showed up."
Katara gasps, her hand flying to her mouth. "How did all of you escape?"
"Well, at first she didn't know it was us. We were fine but then," Zuko fights to keep his voice steady, "then Chang found us. There was a fight and he died. We fought Azula. We escaped."
Katara listens, knowing there's more, knowing there's something he's not saying. "What else happened, Zuko?"
He doesn't look at her, he doesn't her to know. "Can we just go back to sleep? Please."
She nods, touching his hand briefly. She won't push. He pulls her back into his arms, shaking slightly but stilling as he continues to hold her. He runs his fingers through her hair as her head rests on his chest, trying to distract himself from the thoughts, from the memories. He'd known what fire could do. Everyone knows how destructive fire can be. To have it come out of him like that…he shudders at the thought. Even while trying to capture Aang he'd tried not to hurt anyone too much. He'd scared people but he hadn't tried to hurt them if he could avoid it. He didn't mean for people to die on Kyoshi. He hadn't known. With Chang, he knew. He knew the moment he saw that monster.
"Zuko?" Katara pulls him out of his spiral only for him to realize that he's shaking. Her fingers slowly trace designs on his chest, trying to calm him. He runs his fingers through her hair again, trying to still himself.
The words are there, clawing their way up his throat. He doesn't want to tell her. The words spill out anyway. "I killed him," he whispers. "He's never going to hurt you or anyone else again."
Katara's fingers pause for a moment before resuming. What can she even say to that? She presses a kiss lightly to his chest. "I'm so sorry you had to do that, Zuko."
He pull her closer, fighting the scratching in his throat. "Had to. Your father said the same thing, sometimes we have to do things. I didn't have to. I could have knocked him out. I could locked him a room. I could have done so many things and I didn't. I killed him." He gets up suddenly, pacing the room. "I wanted him dead, Katara. For what he did to you I wanted him dead. I looked for him, I tried to tell myself it was to make sure to avoid him but that's not true! I wanted him to pay. I wanted to make sure he could never hurt you again and that he paid for what he did to you! What kind of a person does that make me?"
Katara stares at the man in front of her, looking at the haunted expression, the hands curled into fists, and the rage evident in every muscle. "I wanted to kill Yon Rha," she replies steadily, "I only didn't because he's going to suffer more by having a long life."
"It's not the same."
"No, it's not. I went out of my way to find him. I was going to kill a man in cold blood. You killed him because he was a threat to your and everyone else's safety."
"I could have done something else, I didn't have to murder him!"
"Zuko, if he was alive how many more people would be hurt? You, Sokka, my dad, Suki, maybe even Aang. That's not counting other prisoners." She gets up, grabs his hand, and steers him back to bed. "You saved people. You protected people. You were angry and you hate him, that's only human. It doesn't make you a bad person."
"But-"
"Was I wrong for wanting to kill Yon Rha?"
"No."
"Would I have been a bad person if I had?"
Zuko sighs, his head dropping into his hands. "No, he had it coming."
"And Chang did too." She rubs his back slowly, pulling water from the air to soothe him. "You're a good person, Zuko. It's okay." Zuko shakes, letting himself relax into her healing touch, letting himself breathe.
. . . . .
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If you can't tell I hate the miscommunication so let's just break up trope. I spend the whole time getting upset because if they would just talk things would be okay. Besides, after the last couple chapters we all needed a bit happier of an ending.