Yes, it is I, Gildorly Lockhart, Order of Merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile-Award. I have decided to post my works on the muggle internet, so they too can adore me. It was difficult to pick a book to start with, but I have decided on Year of the Yeti. It is important that you enjoy. But more important for you to remember that before I was famous I was a nobody, a loser, with no purpose in life. Like you. Fame is a fickle friend, a very fickle friend.
Hello my fans and admirers. This book is about an adventure, filled with twists, and near death experiences. If you get frightened easily, you may want to put this book down, and instead of reading it stare at the rather handsome man on the cover. Me. So the story begins in a my lilac bedroom, as it is my favorite color. I was staying at a hotel in Tibet, because I had heard of recent Yeti sightings, that might need a Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, such as myself to take care of it. I persuaded the witch at the Check-In desk to paint my hotel suite lilac after I smiled my award-winning smile at her. (Five weeks on the top! Broke all records!) So, as I was saying, one morning I was removing my curlers from my gorgeous hair, when I heard a cry for help! I looked at myself in the mirror. Half of my hair was still in curlers, and I was still in my pajamas! I could not possibly answer that cry for help looking like this! After I removed the curlers, and after a quick spray of Wonder Witch Hair spray, and after a speedy brush of my amazing teeth, (did you know they won Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile-Award five weeks in a row?), and after I'd changed out of my periwinkle pajamas into my lilac robes, I rushed outside to find that the person had gone! I looked at my watch. It had only been two hours since the cry for help! Humph! That person must have no patience! To cry for help and then leave! Rude indeed!
Two days later I heard a cry for help again! I knew it came from the left of the building, but I decided to go right. That person had tricked me before but not again! As soon as I walked a little ways, I saw a poor, defenseless boy crouched near a white, fluffy, bunny! I sensed he was in danger "Unhand that boy you scallywag " I bellowed at the animal. I then twisted my wand in a complicated way while saying "Begon phlufay rabet " This was a spell I invented myself. When a jet of pink light shot out from the end of my wand, straight at the rabbit, and nothing happened! I knew this rabbit must be like giants and dragons! Most spells had no effect on it! "Run for your life!" I shouted to the boy as I ran for cover, "This thing is dangerous " The boy did not move. I suspected he was too frightened. I could only hope he came to his senses and ran away from that very evil, fluffy, white, bunny.
Three days later a sighting of the Yeti came in. Someone had seen it not to far from here! I decided to look for the creature myself, being the brave soul I am. I departed at dawn the next day, carrying only my wand. I walked on for hours until I saw something moving up in the trees ahead. I creped towards the forest, when I heard a roar! I walked in farther, because I am so very brave and will risk my very sexy butt for others. The Ministry of Magic has rated the Yeti
Dangerous/Requires specialists knowledge/Skilled wizard may handle. Being the skilled wizard I am I walked deeper into the forest, the Yeti's footprints leading the way. I was as quiet as possible, not wanting the Yeti to know I was on it's trail. But when I was walking a piece of my hair got caught of a low hanging tree branch. "Noooooooo!" I called, forgetting my oath to be silent. I heard footsteps crashing towards me. I turned and ran as fast as I could. I reached a clearing, the footsteps still chasing me, but I was out of breath and could not run anymore. When the Yeti came crashing into the clearing it came after me. "What should I do? What would drive this beast away?" Then I thought of it, "Fire of course! Yeti's fear fire! I must get some wood!" I ran to the nearest tree and tore of some bark. It was wet from the rainstorm that had just passed through yesterday. "Wet wood! I can't light a fire if I don't have wood!" With that I turned and ran again, panting heavily all the way.
A week passed and nothing exciting had happened. I was spending my time shut up in my room pondering how to get rid of the Yeti. I had a lot of briallaint theories, being the highly trained wizard I am, but I will only record my thoughts concerning the succeeding one. I was pacing in the kitchen of my hotel suite, muttering to myself, "There was something about his roar... Something odd... Like... Like... Like I couldn't understand what he was saying " I patted myself on the back for finally figuring this out after a week of very hard thinking. "Why wouldn't I be able to understand him? Er... He mumbles? He was incapable of human speech? He had a stuffy nose?" I paced around the room another time, "His roar didn't really sound like mumbling... It is very obvious that this animal could talk a normal language... He must have a head cold!" I nearly skipped I was so happy I had finally figured out what was making the yeti miserable Now I had to go cure that yeti of his head cold!
I was ready this time. Instead of just carrying my wand I brought all the necessaries: a potion (to cure the Yeti) and dry wood (to light a fire incase the Yeti got out of control.)
I had hiked for about two hours when a snow storm hit. I tried to go on with my important quest, but just had to warm up a bit. I put down the heavy wood I carried on my own back, but I could handle, since I am so muscular and strong I also put down the potion, and grabbed my wand. I lit a fire with my wand and scooped it into a jar. After I defrosted I put the fire out and turned back to the wood I carried before. I stared at the wood. "Ugh! I forgot I was a wizard again! Argh!" I then had a very sexy temper tantrum. After I was through I picked up the potion and continued on my way.
After a half and hour of hiking I reached a clearing in the woods were the Yeti was rumored to be last. "Come out, come out were ever you are!" I called into the woods. All was silent, but as soon as I called I heard heavy footsteps heading in my direction. In a few seconds the Yeti came smashing through the trees.
It was like an action movie. I, the incredibly sexy hero, had only seconds to decide what to do before could beat the villain, who in this case was the Yeti. I came to a conclusion just as the Yeti took a swipe at me with its massive hands. I through the potion into the mouth of the Yeti. Before I could see if the potion had made it to the Yeti's mouth he took another swipe at me, and forced me to turn away and run. I heard the smashing of a glass bottle on a tree as I ran away. "I guess when the Yeti ate the potion it made a sound like it was hitting a tree. How odd."
After I had outrun the Yeti, I slowed to a walk. After a while I reached the village square. I stood on one of the benches that lined the sidewalk, spread my arms and announced to the word: "I, Gildorly Lockhart, have cured another town of another monster!"
Gildorly's Note: I would like to thank you all for reading this book. It took a lot of work and dedication to write this. I have heard that there is a rumor going around that I cried for my mommy many times during this adventure. This is NOT true! Thanks again for reading!
-Gildorly Lockhart, Order of merlin Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile-Award
Author's Note: Ha- I just found this- I must have wrote it 2 years ago!