Chapter 20
That night he sat closer to Carol then he usually would have dared. It felt like he had spent so much of him time worried that he would do something that would stir Ed up. But tonight he he was only concerned with Carol Being closer to her was the only way he could think to comfort her when the kid refused to eat with them again.
As it got late he noticed the kids go into Ricks tent together and crawl into Carl's bed to read a book, they had both stayed there until they drifted off.
Lori said that Sophia was fine to spend the night with them in their tent and Carol had accepted it with a smile, though he knew it was all just a cover, because Sophia's silence and detachment was killing her.
He slid his arm around her waist when he noticed the crease in her brow deepen and pulled her gently to his side. Trying to ease the pain that was radiating from her. Though he was sure, he had nothing to offer her that could possibly help.
He sat in silence with her, only noticing her move from his side when Ed finally went into his tent. He knew now, that she had been waiting for Ed to leave, before she felt comfortable enough to go to sleep.
Most of the camp was still awake and he could still see light coming from Ed's tent, but he didn't object when she took his hand and led him into the tent with her. He hated the thought of her being in there alone, looking at the vacant spot beside her, just as he had done when Merle disappeared.
He wanted to do something to make her feel better but he had no idea what.
He waited for her to get into her spot and get comfortable before he climbed in next to her.
He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be ok, that he loved her and he wouldn't let anything like this happen again. That he would keep them both safe from now on. He wanted to tell her that nothing had ever mattered to him in his life like she did.
The only problem was that he still had no idea how to voice any of that.
The words were still like puzzle pieces that he couldn't put together. Maybe he was right all along, the sentences really couldn't make their way out of his mouth.
He rolled onto his side and moved himself down until his eyes were aligned with hers.
He ran his fingers through her hair and watched as her eyes closed at the light touch.
She looked into his eyes and he could see that hers were glistening with tears but the smile on her face was genuine and he couldn't help but return it.
He moved his lips slowly to hers and held them there for a long moment before pulling back to look at he once more. His eyes searched hers for some sign that she wanted him to stop, but she moved in closer. She didn't look like she had that night in the back of the truck, she looked at him like she always did, like she wanted him.
Her hand moved onto the bare skin of his lower back, slowly moving up. He could feel her fingers moving over the scattered scars on his back, causing him to exhale harshly into her mouth, pressing his brow to hers, at the feel of her hands finally moving over his skin.
Her body slowly thrust into his when his hand moved under her shirt and he firmly ran his fingers up her back, mirroring she was doing to him.
When she moaned into his mouth he slowly shifted his body until he was hovering over her, leaning on his elbows as he continued to kiss her slowly.
He had no plans for how far they would take this.
He had no intentions of doing anything more than kissing her until he felt her hands move all over him.
Her hands slid off his bare skin and one of her legs moved out from between his. For a second he thought she wanted to stop, until he felt her hands pressed into his chest, he realizing she was undoing the buttons of his shirt.
He couldn't deny the flare of panic that began to build. It wasn't like he didn't want to do this. He did. But he also didn't want to mess anything up.
He heard her groan out in frustration and it helped to relive some of the anxiety he was feeling. He knew the buttons on his shirt were annoying her so he pulled away from her and sat up on his knees to pull the shirt over his head.
Before he could lower himself back down to her, she reached up grabbing a hold of his neck so she could pull his body on top of her but she did it with far to much force and obviously she thought he was expecting the movement.
He fell on top of her and he heard her gasp as their heads collided.
He instantly lifted himself up on his elbow and started rubbing at his brow, seeing she was doing the same.
"Shit, I'm sorry" he spat as he stopped rubbing at his brow, before he reached down to move her hand, so he could inspect hers.
He was kicking himself until she suddenly started laughing and grabbed at his wrist.
"Daryl I'm fine. And it was my fault. I didn't give you much warning"
He smiled at her and shook his head. "You wanna stop? Cause I don't mind-"
Before he could finish she grabbed at his neck and pulled him back down onto her, only this time he didn't headbutt her.
He shifted so he could bring her legs around his waist, gently grabbing her hips and bringing her body back into him. He pressed his mouth back to hers, so he could move his tongue over her lips, while his hand slid up her waist.
He paused, realizing that he was slowly taking her shirt off as his hand ran over her skin.
For a moment he wondered if he had gone too far, horrified that she would run off again, until she reached down and pulled the shirt off herself.
Within in seconds after taking her in, he closed his body over hers. He wrapped both his arms around her as he pressed his face into her neck again, kissing her down her chest as both of her hands tangled themselves in his hair, bringing his ear to her mouth.
"I love you" she breathed out into his ear, before she pressed her lips into his neck. His whole body shuttered and collapsed into her. Before he could think about responding she pulled his mouth harshly to hers.
He couldn't help but think about the ache that ran through him when she wasn't his, and it made him kiss her more, made his hand want to move over every inch over naked body, until he was sure there was no part left that he hadn't touched, kissed and inhaled.
There was nothing to graceful about it, if anything he was pretty sure it was downright clumsy and he even managed to headbutt her again. But it didn't matter. It was still the best thing that he had ever remembered happening to him.
He woke to the familiar sounds that emerged from the woods, but he couldn't focus on anything but her slow and steady breaths and how warm they felt as each soft exhale hit his chest.
Her head was resting on his arm as she slept and he dreaded the thought of having to get up and leave her, especially since he had never wanted to stay somewhere so much in his whole life.
He remembered being afraid that he would run off on her, like he did when he had picked up random girls at bars. Sex was to intimate, you exposed to much during it and that had always horrified him. But the exact opposite reaction had occurred when he woke next to Carol.
He could die right now and it would be a happy and peaceful death, he would slip away as calmly gently as he did last night when he fell asleep with her body tangled into his.
He rolled on to his side and stayed there for far too long, watching her sleep and running his fingers over the soft skin of her hip, where he had rested his hand.
The faint light filled the tent more and more and he knew he had dragged this out for as long as he possibly could.
He lightly planted one last kiss on her neck, before carefully untying his body from hers, watching as she settled on her stomach before looking around for his clothes.
He slowly pulled his pants on and started looking around for his shirt, when he noticed her bare back, exposed to him in the dim light of the morning sun that had seeped into the tent.
He wished it had been the constellation of freckles on her shoulder blade that caught his eye. But that wasn't what had his chest pumping out rough erratic breaths. He wished more than anything that he had only noticed the small birthmark on her ribs, or the tan line on her neck, but neither of those things had his full attention right now.
None of those things had him ready to completely loose his mind,
None of them had him searching his memory, trying to recall where he had put his gun and remember if it was fully loaded.
Without thinking, he reached his shaky hand over and traced the collection of scars that ran over her ribs and towards her spine.
"That fucking piece of-…"
That was all he had managed to get out when her eyes snapped open to take in his enraged state. He heard her say his name, but he was already stumbling though the tent to get out.
His hands fumbled with the zipper, trying to yank it down, remembering that his gun was in his pack and that it was fully loaded.
There was nothing in his head telling him to stop, in fact, even the doubtful voice that questioned his every movement was encouraging him to end this shit now. That voice in his head assured him that if he didn't finish this shit right now he would regret it later.
Before he could pull the zipper down her arms suddenly wrapped around him and her body was pressed into his back. He lunged forward to keep going, but her hold on him tightened and he had no choice but stop.
"It's ok" she repeated in to his ear, through a soft forceful whispers, resting her chin on his shoulder as she pleaded with him to calm down. But the idea of feeling anything but this burning desire to kill him, seemed like a fantasy.
"I'm gonna kill him" he growled again.
"Shh stop. It's ok" he pleaded in a low hushed voice.
"I can't just- " he spat out still shaking his head violently.
"Yes you can. You can stop. I've seen you do it before and you can do it again Daryl." she said quickly, cutting off his breathless words that had escaped through his heavy gasping.
"It's over. It's finished" she said soothingly with her mouth pressing into his ear, as if she thought her closeness could cause her words seep into his mind and relieve the overwhelming tension.
Her arms suddenly loosened from around him and she quickly moved in front of him. She took a hold of his face and then slid her hands into his hair, attempting to lock her eyes with his, but his gaze was still focused on the tent's zipper, wishing he had of moved faster to open it.
"Look at me" she pleaded, the urgency in her voice causing him to do as she asked without a second thought.
As soon as his eyes met hers he felt his shoulders drop in defeat, his fists suddenly loosened and his trembling hands rose up to gently rest on her waist.
He watched her intently as she leaned in and lightly kissed him before she pressed her forehead into his furrowed brow. She stayed there, gliding her hands from his hair to the sides of his face, moving her thumb over his cheek until he finally let out a heavy and frustrated groan, knowing he could never do anything if she told him not to.
And knowing that she was aware of that fact, both settled and infuriated him.
He put his boots on and then his vest, then found himself standing by the tent, watching as Ed finally appeared.
He wasn't blind or stupid. He knew who the marks were from and he knew what Ed had used to inflict them. He had a few of them himself.
There were nights that he had laid awake wondering what, if anything, he and Carol would have had in common in the old world. He wondered if they like the same music, food or movies. But this was not a similarity that he would have ever wanted to share with her.
The very important difference between their situations right now, was that his father was dead, while Ed was walking, talking and breathing.
He hadn't really thought about the fact that he was standing there glaring at Ed, chewing his lip and tightening his grip around his knife, until he felt Carol's hand wrap around his and forced her fingers into his clenched fist.
"Can you help me?" she asked as she pulled him along. He nodded and dropped his head, following her as she led him through the camp, with her hand tightly holding his.
He stood next to her opening cans and doing other mundane tasks that she could have quite easily completed on her own.
He could feel her eyes on him as he stood beside her, watching him as he tried to snap out of it.
He desperately tried to think back to last night, recalling how her skin pressed into his, or the sounds she had made when he moved his hands over her. But all he could think about was that night in the truck when she had run off on him. It made him feel like a complete moron, he'd read the whole situation wrong, along with the expression on her face.
He wished that he didn't get lost in his own insecurities, so that she could have talked to him.
Even now, he was aware that if he lost it, then he couldn't expect her to trust him with anything. How could she, if she thought he was going to lose it every time she told him something. She asked him to stop and he had no choice but to do just that.
He didn't feel like he belonged to himself anymore. These two women had rolled into his life and now he felt like he was an extension of them. And right now he didn't like that shit one fucking bit. He didn't think they were weak, but he sure as shit thought they were vulnerable and that made them his weak spot. He could see it all clearly now. It didn't matter if they got hurt today or tomorrow. It wouldn't matter if he knew they were going to get hurt in a month or if he found out they had been hurt years before he had ever met them. It was all going to hurt him and it was all going to fuck with his head.
They sat eating breakfast, once again watching Sophia clinging to Carl across the camp. He was fixed on the sight until he felt Carol shift at his side, he looked over at her and then followed her gaze across the campsite to Rick and Shane who were talking to Ed by his tent. Daryl smirked, knowing what the conversation was about, hoping that this would be the trip that finally got Ed killed during.
But his good mood was short lived when he thought about having to leave the girls alone once more. There was also the chance they would find nothing while they were scavenging and he would have no choice but to go out hunting, even more than he had been, leaving her here… alone.
The sight of the marks that were scattered over her body was enough to make him realize that she needed more than what he could offer. He was going to have to leave her eventually and he would have to continue to.
It wasn't just hunting trips, it was everything that involved him not being by her side.
There were a hundred different scenarios in his head, that all involved Carol being alone and that thought was so much more horrifying than it was before he woke up this morning.
With that he decided that there was only one option and he needed to get it started before he had to leave her alone tomorrow.
He quietly followed her over to the cleaning station and waited until she had rinsed her plate of and turned to look at him, leaning towards her.
"Can you come with me" he asked quietly as he placed his now clean plate on the pile. Her brow creased as she tried to examine his silent and distressed expression, before softly agreeing with a nod to go with him.
She followed him as he grabbed his bag and headed over to where Sophia was sitting on the ground by Carl, flicking through the same book they had been looking at all day. He let out a heavy breath and stood over the kid, listening to the sounds of Carol, as she made her way to his side.
"Come on" He said jerking his head in the direction of the truck as the kid stared blankly at him, but remained unmoving.
He watched as her eyes darted from him to the truck and back, locking her cold gaze with his as she pursed her lips. It reminded him of the day that she tried to drag drum of water back to the truck on her own, she had that same determined and stubborn expression on her face.
"You can't stay here alone" he said sternly, with an obvious annoyance lingering in his tone, something that he had failed to cover from the kid.
He watched as she crossed her arms firmly across her stomach and continued to glare at him, causing him to roll his eyes at the sight and suppress a moan, that could still be heard trying to escape his throat.
"You can play with Carl when we get back" Carol added quickly, keeping her tone light and passive. They both froze as Sophia suddenly sprung up from her spot and briskly walked ahead of them to the truck, flinching as she jumped in and slammed the door behind her.
He had seen the space when he was hunting, it was a clear small field that was north of the camp site. It was a long drive before they reached their destination but none of them spoke, the only thing he could hear was the sound of the kid tearing at the threads on her knee of her pants. For the first time he noticed that Carol made no attempt to talk to the kid, he was unsure if she couldn't take the rejection right now, or if this was a part of the plan she had devised, assuming Sophia merely needed time to work through whatever had happened that day. Either way the silence was deafening and the sound of the kid plucking away at the threads made him anxious, so much so that he found himself driving way to fast, just so he could get out of the truck as soon as possible.
When they finally arrived, he noticed that the kid had no intention of budging from her seat and he was quietly thankful that he didn't have to keep an eye on her, knowing it was going to be hard enough as it was.
"Stayin here?" he asked the kid, as Carol jumped out the passenger side door. He hadn't been expecting an answer, mostly he was just looking for a way to tell her to stay put, without it sounding like a demand.
"lock the doors and beep the horn if you need us. We'll be right over there" he said tilting in the direction of the clearing. The kid looked up at him nodded her head, surprising them both that she had even acknowledged the request.
He reached under the seat, remembering that there was an old magazine stashed there, one that he had no recollection of buying, but it was at least something.
He pulled the old tattered thing out and placed it on the seat beside the her. She looked at it briefly, before her gaze darted up and met his as he closed the door. He stood there raising his eyebrow at her, until she rolled her eyes at him and reached over to lock the door. Carol repeated the act, unmoving until they were both sure that she was safely locked in the truck.
"Well that was something" he said quietly as they met each other at the tray of the truck, she smiled at him and nodded hopefully.
"Baby steps" she added, as he grabbed his bag out and took her hand, leading her out to the small field that spread out in front of the truck.
He reached the center of the clearing and looked around feeling satisfied with the spot as he dropped his pack to the ground.
"Are you setting traps here or-…" she asked watching him open the bag, before inspecting the open area around her. He looked up at her from his crouched position and realized that he hadn't told her why he wanted to bring her here.
"No. No traps." He said, his tone full of concern as he wondered if she was going to go along with this.
He reached into his bag to pull out the revolver before pushing himself back up and putting himself in front of her.
"This gun will be good for you, it's small, should fit well in ya hands" he mumbled not looking in her eyes as he held the gun out in front of her. She folded her arms around herself and took a step back before he even finished talking, assuring him this wasn't going to be easy.
"I can't use that" she said nervously, as he took in her rigid pose.
"You gotta be able to protect ya self when I'm not there" he argued keeping his voice low serious.
"This about this morning?" she questioned, holding herself even tighter, making him even more uneasy.
He chewed his lip, wondering how to respond as his eyes scanned her, searching his mind for the right words to say "fuck yeah it is", but he knew the sight of the scars had only been a wake-up call.
Anything could happen, I could die while I'm hunting and then where would she be? he thought. Weather he was dead or alive, she needed to be able to defend herself.
He had to accept that the group had made their minds up, they believed that Ed had a right to be alive and breathing. But that didn't mean it was right. And if something did happen, he wanted her to be able to protect herself and Sophia, if the quarry had taught him anything, it was that Carol relying on everybody else had gotten her nowhere.
Everybody, including himself, had let it go on for far too long, deciding it wasn't there business. They left her life in Ed's hands and he wasn't going to let that happen again.
He growled and shook his head.
"We should have done this months ago" he said firmly holding the gun out even further, noticing how she suddenly looked at him as though she was ill-equipped.
He frowned and shook his head in response to her expression. "It ain't rocket science" he gruffly, hoping to assure her she was more than capable. She dropped her gaze down to the gun and starred at it in his hand that was still flexed out between them.
"I need to know that you can do this Carol" the desperation that flooded his tone forced her to look up once more and lock her eyes with his.
"Please" he begged in a whisper that was barely audible, his last distressed attempt.
Her eyes were still fixed on his when she let out a heavy and unsteady breath, "ok" she agreed tightly, taking the gun from his hand and finally holding it in hers.