A/N: For anyone who is reading 'Animal', just know that I haven't abandoned it. But I have just decided to focus on finishing this story first. I know there is a long wait between updates, but everything is a bit crazy at the moment, so there's not much I can do about the delay. I do however appreciate the reviews, they give me the boost that I need to get this fic to the finish line.
January has been cut into two parts, this part focuses on Carol's POV. Part two will jump back over to Daryl's story.
Chapter 38: January (Part 1)
He had long stopped begging her to drop down, sit down, lie down…finally he'd accepted that she felt the she need to stand up. So right there in the middle of the cell, he had been standing with her, waiting on both Michonne and Andrea to find Herschel. Who had left the prison early in the morning with Rick.
Rick and Hershel's excursion to the the veterinary clinic had left Glenn and Maggie on watch in the tower. Beth to watch Judith. While Carl, Axle, Ed and Oscar walked the grounds on high alert. Though she was sure that Ed would have found himself a dark corner to hide away in, just in case the governor did decide to show his face.
The governor knew exactly where they were now…he knew that Merle, Michonne and Andrea had left Woodbury without so much as a goodbye. And though Andrea believed there would be no punishment for their desertion, Merle clearly believed otherwise.
This left everyone having to decide who they would listen to, and unsurprisingly, most people sided with Andrea. Simply because they knew her…or because they knew a little to much about Merle.
People like Rick, favored Andrea's opinion, because they didn't want to put their faith in Merle, they didn't want to believe they were in danger and didn't want to be persuaded into a war with Woodbury. It was just an easier adjustment to believe Andrea.
But Carol trusted Merle, mostly because she didn't trust anything that was to easy or to simple.
Merle had known the Governor longer than Andrea. Merle had been apart of the inner circle. And Merle had insisted, time and time again, that Andrea only saw what the governor had wanted her to see.
Carol knew how easy it was to be manipulated. She knew how easy it was to miss something that was right in front of you. And most importantly, she knew that Merle could spot a snake in the grass from a mile away.
Merle had spent a good portion of his life around men like that.
Since Maggie and Glenn had brought Merle, Andrea and Michonne to the prison, there had been many nights when she went to sleep listening to Merle and Andrea arguing in the cell they shared. And she had heard the quiet whispers exchanged between Michonne and Merle, who were both waiting on the Governors arrival. Merle and Michonne had both tried to explain, that the groups very existence, would be seen as a threat. But no one at the prison would listen to their concerns.
They decided to simply keep watch, just to make sure. But they wouldn't attack and they wouldn't run. And more then once she had heard Merle telling Andrea, that he wished he could leave the prison. But he wouldn't leave Carol. She made him feel trapped, not that he had ever used those words. That was her word. That was how she felt. Like she had trapped him here. He couldn't leave her, he didn't want to drag a pregnant women around and he didn't think it was safe to take a baby baby out on the road.
So they stayed.
And knowing that they were simply sitting around waiting for something to happen, for danger to draw near, made her nervous. It made her fearful. And those emotions made her miss him more and more. But no matter how much she had been missing his protection and sense of safety that his mere presence provided… nothing compared to how she felt right now. Nothing compared to how much she longed for him to walk through the door and be here with her, to be a part of this moment.
"I wish he was here. I just-" She stopped, sucking in the breaths she needed, hoping that they would keep her from screaming.
"I want Daryl" She finished, crying out as she clung tightly to Merle's arms, while he gripped her waist as best he could, trying to assure she stayed upright until the contraction passed.
"Me fuckin' to, Carol. Believe me. There ain't a single thing I want more." Merle promised, with more urgency in his tone then she ever recalled hearing from the man.
"I have never in my life wanted to see that bastard more then I do right now" he added forcefully, raising his voice as though somehow his brother might be able to hear him. "I wanna smack his damn head in right now".
"It's to early. Merle, it's to early" she repeated to him once again. Even though she had no real proof of the statement.
It was times like this when she also missed Dale, he had been insistent on keeping track of time. No one had seen the value in it and neither had she, not until right now. Now though? She wanted to know how long she had been pregnant and how safe it was that this baby had decided that it was ready to come into the world.
"It ain't. That damn vet said any day now. And he said that shit a week ago. Everything is going how it's supposed to be goin'"
She didn't explain to Merle why Herschel had said those things. They were details that she doubted would help calm Merle down. She decided it was best to let Merle believe that Herschel knew that the baby was ready to make it's appearance. Rather then the fact that Herschel had examined her and then explained that her body had made the decision to evict the baby.
"I'm gonna go and see what's taking him so damn long to get here"
"What?" she barked at him when he made a move to lower her onto the bed, a bed that he himself had retrieved from a furniture store while he was on a run, along with one for himself and Andrea. While Michonne, who had been with him at the time, had opted out of getting one for herself, but was more then happy to help him load them up.
And when he brought them home, along with the rest of the supplies they had scraped together on the run, she had seen the excitement on a few peoples faces. But it was short lived, when they realized that Merle had not loaded up enough beds for everyone. He'd explained that there were walkers on the loading dock and signs that people had been in the area, so he didn't want to linger any longer then he had to to.
He had given directions to the other people who had voiced their desire for a bed. He explained the best way to enter the store. But he had also told them that he would have no part in dying so they could rest easier at night.
He had been as polite about it as Merle was capable of being, even when some people had voiced their distaste over the situation.
She had told him, that some people thought he was being selfish, to which he had pointed out that he believed it selfish for someone to ask him to risk his life for a piece of furniture.
And what could anyone do beyond making the occasional comment behind his back? They certainly wouldn't complain to his face, not to the man who had spent the long winter keeping them all fed.
Merle looked at the cell door with a longing in his eyes. He wanted out. He wanted to run fast and far.
"Im'a go and-" He stuttered out, in a way that sounded almost like a plea, as he made another move to lower her onto the mattress.
"Don't you dare fucking leave me Merle." she demanded, tightening her hold on him. "No more Dixon men are leaving me, do you understand?"
She heard him growl. She was sure she heard him say something along the lines of "stubborn bitch" under his breath. But at her request, he gave in and stopped trying to flee. Maybe he could hear the fear in her voice.
At first, when the contractions grew closer and closer together, he had wanted instruction, he had expected her to be an expert on the situation, simply because a decade ago she had given birth to Sophia.
But he quickly realized she was just as clueless as him.
She didn't remember it being like this with Sophia. She didn't remember it feeling like this at all. Right now it felt like something was trying to rip her in two, right down the center.
She screamed and moaned and waited for her body to simply give in and let her die, like she was surely supposed to do. But apparently her body had other ideas.
"It's trying to kill me"
"Ain't tryin to kill ya, he just wants out. Ain't you ever been stuck in a small space and just wanted to break ya way out?" Merle questioned, before letting out a chuckle. "I mean damn women, you livin' in prison cell, don't you ever feel like the walls are closin' in on ya" Merle reasoned as he adjusted his hands on her hips and pulled her closer to him in.
"It didn't feel like this with Sophia-…I don't remember feeling like-" she explained as she shook her head frantically.
"You probably had drugs" Merle pointed out, cutting her off before she could spiral off into even more panic.
She realized that he was right, there was one very big difference between the two births and it was making all the difference.
There was a slight sway in his steps and she had noticed just how carefully he took each step.
As she laid in the bed resting, she wondered if Daryl would have held himself up the same way, or if he would have held his son in the same way that Merle was holding his nephew. As though the baby he was something special. Like he was the most fragile thing he had ever held in his arms. As though he was scared to have something to precious in his grasps, but also horrified at the idea of relinquishing his hold on the baby.
"Do you think-….that he would have been happy" she asked quietly, watching him become still as she asked the question.
She couldn't see his face at the moment, as he walked the baby back and forth in the small cell, rocking him in his arms. But she did hear him chuckle to himself quietly, taking a second before he responded.
"I think he would have damn near been happy enough to jump over the moon." Merle offered quietly before choking back a sound.
"What are you gonna call him?" Merle asked using the same soft tone.
She was sure most people would assume the tone was owing to him being tired, or that it was an attempt to keep the baby asleep. But she knew the real reason why he sounded so warn down. He was sad that his brother was missing out on something so important. Something that could never be described or repeated. It was a series of moments that passed and Daryl would never know what how they looked or felt.
"I don't know. Daryl, maybe? Do you think he would have liked that?" Carol asked. In truth she hadn't thought about names, she had never considered that their might actually be a baby one day. She had spent her entire pregnancy waiting for something to take the baby from her and there was a part of her still convinced that something horrible was going to happen.
Merle turned towards her and shook his head slowly, keeping his eyes on the baby that he was still rocking back and forth in his arms.
"Daryl hates his name. Was named after our grandfather. He was a mean old bastard, he was the reason-…." Merle glanced in her direction, then stopped himself from continuing.
He focused his attention back onto the baby, keeping his eyes on his nephew as he decided to continue with his thought. "He don't like it. Not really."
"Who did he like? What would he want carried on?" She used what little energy she had to weakly smile at him. "Maybe,.. we call him Merle?"
Merle shook his head before she had even finished talking.
"No damn way. Daryl was named after our old man's- old man…but me? I was named after our old man himself. The Goddamn Devil."
"What would you call him?…. Or-… what do you think Daryl would have wanted?"
Merle's pacing finally came to a halt as he carefully considered the question. She could see his brow crease and his eyes narrow as he took his time to think through the options,then she watched as his expression finally relaxed, showing his contentment with his own thoughts. It was then that he nodded to himself and slightly smiled at the baby.
"Had us a cousin. He was a good kids. Him and Daryl they was as thick as thieves. Until they weren't-."
"What happened to him" she asked, watching as Merle kept his eyes locked on the baby's face.
"Car accident. His old man was drunk, driving around like a bat outta hell. Ran the car into a tree-. Boy was no older then fifteen at the time."
She nodded, taking in the information, feeling her heart sank a little for all the loss that she knew the brothers had suffered, while being nothing but boys themselves."What was his name?"
It was then that Merle met his eyes to hers, letting a small curve on his mouth appear."Hayes. His name was Hayes"
She smiled at him and nodded, as the named danced through her thoughts.
"It's perfect."