Have you ever wondered what death was like? What happened after deatfh? Will we be happy? Will we still be in the same life as we were living?...Well...I guess what I am trying to say is...My life is hell. So...I'd thought I'd share to you some things that has happened in my life. Some I am greatfull for and some I am not.

But know this, All this is the truth, no lies...No false...I do not want attention...Just to be able to write down my pain. So when I read it...I can pretend it was only a story and it never happened. But...The way I will tell my story...Is...

AGE 6

I was 6 years old. Still just a child. My older brother Kiade was 9. He was already working with my father at his job, helpping him stock cans and boxes. I was usually home alone by myself.

I never did have very many friends growing up. Just one. His name was Uruha. Known him since I was 4. I was in the park when he came along. Since than we have been friends.

My Father...Well...My father...I can't describe him in any nice words. I don't even concider him my father anymore...But anyway. My father was a stocker downtown at the local pharmacy. My older brother helpped work there. He even got paid. When I asked my father if I could work he said, "Why the hell would I let you work with me? You'll just mess everything up and get me fired!"

I wouldn't have got him fired. I know I wouldn't have. But I guess there was no telling him that.

Age 7

It was my 7th Birthday. My Father didn't tell me happy birthday. He handed me an armfull of his socks and told me to sew. I didn't know how to sew though. Only our Mother did. But she died...She was very sick and died. I missed her so much. I still do...But anyway...After trying to teach myself to sew for hours, Kiade came in and handed me a box wrapped up.

He than left the room before I could even say Thank you.

I looked at the gift than opened it. It was a brown teddy bear with a blue ballon in his hands and a card that said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

If you are wondering, I still have the bear...I could never get myself to throw it away, just can't bear the thought of it.

I hugged the bear close to me and ran to my brother's room. I thanked him alot until he put his hand over my mouth.

"You talk too much, little brother." He smiled at me.

I was so happy that day. My first Birthday Present. I wasn't used to presents. That's why I was so happy.

Age 8

I was started 2nd grade. Still had the same clothes from last year. So you could now know I was picked on. But you know, Money was a problem at our house. My father spent most of it on booze and anything else for himself. He was oten drunk.

I hated when my father was drunk. He would hit me.

Once he was drunk and molested me. I was too young to know better. So I never said anything at all to anyone. So my father continued to do these things to me.

Age 10

Me and my brother stayed home alone. Father had made him stop working. Now Kiade was looking for a job of his own since he was 12. I was hoping to get a job soon as well.

Me and my brother talked alot when we were alone. That's when I learn what Rape was. I told him about father touching me like that and he said I was raped by father. I still didn't understand that rape was a bad thing though.

Until it happened again...

My father did it again when I was 13. My brother was in High School. He came home and I was crying under my bed. I told him what happened and he flipped out on father. My father hit me after Kiade left though.

He beat me and called me bad words. Told me he wished I would have died and not my mother.

PART 2 COMING UP.