Diisclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters

Aisu: Thanks for all the positive feedback! I just had to update this. I had a little too much fun with the Vidarr battle. XD; My next update will be for Tales of Harmonia since I haven't updated it in a while. You can expect that tomorrow or something. Anyways, please enjoy!

NOTE: This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, SPOILERS and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

Chapter 2: Fat People and Sexy Morons

After discarding the corpse of the colorful hermaphrodite Pastor to make sure they didn't get blamed for killing… it…, Lloyd, Genis and Colette stood there trying to get the image of the disgusting Pastor out of their minds. Suddenly, without warning, Colette screamed causing the boys to jump several feet in the air.

"What the hell is wrong with you now!" Lloyd demanded clutching his chest as if he had nearly suffered from a heart attack.

"I'm going to get my used present." Colette chirped and began walking up the stairs a ways to feel rather dominant over the two.

"… And you screamed why?" Genis asked.

"I wanted your attention!" Colette chirped and began walking up the stairs. "Come on!"

Lloyd put his hands behind his head in a casual fashion. "We'll wait for you."

Colette paused in mid-step up the stairs, causing Lloyd and Genis to get confused and stared at her back. "Um… Colette..?" Genis asked and 'meeped' when Colette stomped her foot down.

She turned around with an extremely scary look on her face, eyes flaring red and an evil aura surrounding her. "I said… COME ON, INFERIOR BEINGS!"

Lloyd and Genis screamed and hugged each other in fright, both trying hard not to cry or crap their pants. No sooner had Colette placed her foot down one step did they dash right past her and up the stairs. Colette's evil aura faded away and was replaced with one of peace, happy flowers and bunny rabbits.

"Aw… you're both so sweet to come with me like that." She cooed but then tripped on her face when she went up one stair. "Oops, ouchies! Lloyd, Genis, could you help me, please?" Both were too far ahead to hear her. "Hello?" Her evil aura came back suddenly. "I SAID HELP ME YOU STUPID ASSHOLES!" There were more screams and fast-paced stomping down the stairs before they were both back and helped her up. "Aw… thank you. You'll always be equal below my iron fist."

Both Lloyd and Genis stayed a good distance away from Colette the rest of the way up as she skipped up the stairs, unicorns and rainbows flowing behind her. After they climbed like a million stairs, they reached the top where the Desians and a double-horn-haired guy were standing in front of an old lady. The old lady saw them all coming just over the edge and gasped. She started to run as fast as her wrinkled old legs would let her, holding up one hand reaching towards Colette dramatically.

Everything went in slow motion after she passed the Desians. "Colette! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" This made Colette scream and move to the side, causing the old lady to fall over the edge and roll down the stairs.

"Bye Grandma!" Colette waved.

"Ugh, what a mess…" Genis muttered as he stared at the graffiti the Desians had drawn all over the temple. Most of it was done in leet like: R33G4)3Z RUL3 N00BZ!1!1 "What the heck were they trying to write?"

"Who knows… maybe they were trying to convey an unidentifiable message to morons like you." Lloyd said smoothly and crossed his arms.

"Lord Botta, it's the failure Chosen!" One Desian shouted to the pointy haired man.

Botta approached Colette and got down on one knee taken her hand in his. "Ah, Lady Chosen, your heart is mine." He then kissed the top of her hand like a gentleman.

Colette blushed and looked away, giggling like a schoolgirl. "Oh my, this is so unexpected!"

"Ew!" Genis shouted.

"Allow me to introduce myself, I am Botta, a-" Botta was cut off when a twig sword went to his neck.

"You're a Desian, we already know that!" Lloyd said dangerously.

"EWW!" Colette screamed and kicked Botta's face in. "A Desian kissed me! An ugly Desian in fact!"

"Aw… foiled again by looks alone…" Botta snapped his fingers.

"You think we're Desians? Holy crap that's so funny!" The Desians began rolling on the ground laughing their helmets off, but not literally.

"Why must you laugh at us..?" Genis asked as if he was about to burst into tears.

"Then die at the hands of the Desians you hate so much! Ready boys?" The leader of the three Desians, excluding Botta, shouted and they all reached to their belts grabbing tall cans of spray paint which they began to shake. Swords are SO underrated.

Then they all charged. "Slice them open! They're compressed gas cans!" Lloyd commanded and ran forward along with Colette, leaving Genis to cast.

Each of them took on a Desian. Lloyd easily dodged the assault of fluorescent pink and sliced open the can, pink exploded everywhere and covered the Desian till he died from paint inhalation. Colette got distracted as Phaidra, the old lady, crawled back up the stairs and waved. The Desian got confused and went to spray her but she pulled up her other arm for a double wave and knocked the can out of his hands. It exploded once it hit the ground and the random pieces and paint that flew injured him.

Colette looked back upon seeing the mess of bright blue. "Oh, hi Mr. Desian!"

Genis was about to cast a Fireball when he was sprayed with neon green. "Oh dear goddess, it burns like Raine's love!" Without knowing it, his Fireball went off and caused the can to explode and blow back the Desian. "Oh wow, I did it for once."

The live Desians, upon hearing thunderous footsteps retreated causing some confusion as the three regrouped. A HUGE fat guy came stomping out of no where with a spiked-ball on a chain and a hammer, as well as a Jenny Craig magazine.

"Vidarr couldn't find toilet in temple… Vidarr need to crap big one thanks to Vidarr's prune juice." Vidarr whined but shouted when the kids started to attack him. "Why do they hurt Vidarr? VIDARR MAD!"

Vidarr used his big hammer and slammed Lloyd away and swung his mace to knock Colette and Genis out of the way. Lloyd came back and slapping Vidarr around with his twig swords till he finally did some damage. He gave the fat man a splinter. Colette threw her rings every so often doing little to no damage since most of the throws didn't even come close to hitting him and poor Genis with his terrible aim did little damage either. So it was mainly all Lloyd till a thunderous sound filled the air.

"What the hell was that!" Lloyd shouted.

"Oops, Vidarr toot." Vidarr admitted bashfully till a horrible nauseating stench filled the air.

"OH DEAR MARTEL IT BURNS MY NOSE!" Lloyd screamed and collapsed by the others.

"I bet there's enough gas to ignite and kill us all if I use my Fireball!" Genis wailed and covered his nose.

"It smells like Daddy after he eats fifteen hotdogs and uses the toilet!" Colette added cheerfully. But she was crying out in pain on the inside.

"Oh, this Vidarr's big chance!" Vidarr hobbled over and was about to smash Lloyd's head in with his hammer when something interfered and he was knocked back.

Lloyd looked up at the purple armored man with auburn hair, who had just saved them, with a dumbfounded expression. "Hubba wha?"

"Out of the way you snot-nosed brats- OH DEAR GODDESS ALIVE IT STINKS!" The man covered his nose and went to run away. "Screw you kids I'm out of here! It smells like Yuan's office after he rots there all day!"

Suddenly a small blue haired man flew out from under the man's cape and pulled his ear. "No Kratos, it smells bad but you must save them!" He sniffed the air. "Oh my, it does smell like my office. But enough of that, I Yuan, your conscience, order you to fight!" Yuan kicked Kratos in the rear in the correct direction for good measure.

"Ow, I liked you better when you were bigger…" He stood in front of the kids defensively once more like he had before but pinched his nose this time.

"Uh oh…" Vidarr said.

"What now?" Lloyd shouted. "What more could you do to torture us!"

"Vidarr's prune juice starting to work…" Vidarr muttered.

Everyone started to scream and panic like a bunch of scared idiots. Genis hoped that his aim would be good enough this time to finish off the flatulent man so he cast a quick Stone Blast. His aim was off, of course, but it did the next best thing! It plugged Vidarr's butt!

"Damn, I told him to not drink prune juice before he came!" Botta growled then noticed mini Yuan on Kratos' shoulder. "Oh, hi sir-" Yuan did a little slicing motion across his throat. "Understood. Men, help me lug Vidarr's fat ass out of here!" With that, the Desians left.

"Wow, you just stood there and you looked so cool!" Colette fangirled over Kratos.

"You look so strong even though you did absolutely nothing! Tell me your secret!" Genis said jumping up and down excitedly.

Lloyd's evil personality suddenly perked up and he drew a twig sword to Kratos' throat. "You think you're hot stuff, don't you! Then let's fight, Lloyd Irving versus Mr. Hot Stuff here and now!" Kratos frowned and snapped Lloyd's sword in half. "AHHH!- Oh wait, that was a real twig, I forgot to draw my real sword." Lloyd then drew another twig sword, but this time from the actual sheath.

Kratos decided to spare the boy further humiliation this time. "You're name is Lloyd?"

"What of it, Mr. Hot Stuff?" Lloyd snarled.

"… Don't call me that. My name is Kratos, I'm a traveling mercenary. If you can pay me… line…" Yuan shoved the script in Kratos' face. "Oh yes, if you can pay me a crap load of money, then I'll accept the job of protecting the Chosen. It's the reason I saved all your asses after all."

"Well, if it says so in the script… but I don't have any money. Phaidra does though- Oh crud on a stick." Lloyd looked over to see flies floating above the old lady's body, which was lying on the stairs, sprawled out.

"She must've died from the stench." Genis shrugged as he poked the corpse with a stick before seeing her wallet fall out of her pocket. Genis picked it up and inspected the amount of money. "Holy crap, there's fifty thousand Gald in here!"

"Gimmie!" Kratos pounced at Genis but the elf side stepped.

"Tell you what, I'll give you one thousand Gald for every good deed you do on the journey. How does that sound?" Genis suggested and pocketed the money.

Kratos growled under his breath. "It's as if you're thinking you're going to go on this journey too…"

Colette wailed as she cried. "But I feel so much safer when they're around now that my grandma's dead!"

Kratos gave each of the kids a strange look then sighed. "I'm not going to protest against the Chosen's wishes… especially if it means I'm getting fifty-thousand Gald in the end." He then added in a lower tone. "I'm sure I'm going to regret this…"

So they all entered the temple when they all decided to stop. The walls were all covered in more graffiti and the paint blocked out the light coming through the windows. It was more leet language that none of them could understand… except maybe mini Yuan.

"Wow, this place sucks." Lloyd grumbled and kicked a piece of debris on the floor.

"Colette, how could you stand this place? It looks like it's about to collapse at any given second!" Genis complained.

"I can stand anything if they give me a used present in the end!" Colette punched the air. "Oh look, a worm!" She went to try and catch it but Kratos held the back of her jacket.

"It's a monster you moron. Anyways, there are many monsters around so we need to move on carefully and stealthily." He looked up to see them all yodeling and trying to see if there was an echo. "I'm surrounded by idiots…"

"Don't worry; I'll kick all their asses with my awesome sword techniques!" Lloyd declared and raised his twig sword.

Kratos stared at him. "Are your sword techniques self-taught?"

"Yeah, what of it?" Lloyd snapped and crossed his arms.

"… You just made me die a little on the inside." He took his book out of his pocket and handed it to Lloyd. "Use my book and improve or else I'll abandon you in battle."

"Oh, sounds like something my real dad did to me!" Lloyd laughed causing Kratos to wince slightly and mini Yuan to roll off Kratos' shoulder laughing. Kratos just squished him under his boot.

AQUIRED "SWORDSMANSHIP FOR DUMMIES" TRAINING MANUAL

Aisu: XD; I just love Kratos' line at the end. The for Dummies thing is overused I know, but I couldn't think of anything else at the moment. I have the next chapter, but after that I need to make more.

Anyways... Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!