Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters

Aisu: As promised I sent another chapter. I'm 16 today, whoo! And I even have my beta-reader DomoKim, who helps me with ToH, sitting beside me!

Thank you SunFrost, ShadowofUndine and Kitsu Kurasei for reviewing last chapter! Thank you for the birthday wishes as well! I really appreciate them:D

Anyways, enjoy!

NOTE: This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, SPOILERS and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

Chapter 5: Treacherous Monsters and Old Ladies

The two friends were entering the Iselia Forest now, riding on top of their faithful pal Noishe like a horse, till the hybrid came to an abrupt halt and began whining.

"Damnit Noishe! Why do you always have to stop here of all places!" Lloyd shouted and kicked the dog's sides with his boots. "I know you go through here otherwise you would never get home!"

Noishe continued to whine. "Lloyd, he's afraid of monsters! Martel knows why, since he's bigger than all them put together." Genis said.

"DAMNIT NOISHE I SAID GO!" Lloyd gave one final kick and caused Noishe to buck and send them both careening face-first into the cliff side.

After getting rid of the two, Noishe whined loudly and jumped into a nearby tree. Lloyd and Genis soon came to their senses and glared up at the hybrid dog clinging to a branch upside down since he was too heavy to say right side up.

"Wow, never seen him do that before. Now I see why you thought he was part squirrel." Genis muttered in awe.

"NOISHE GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!" Lloyd shouted. Noishe whined. "There's nothing to be afraid of!" Noishe whined again. "Look, I'll prove it!"

Lloyd turned away and searched for a monster, completely ignoring the gigantic bear that was trying to devour Genis at the moment. He then found a small pink topped mushroom with eyes and analyzed it for any type of threatening things about it with a Magic Lens.

"Look Noishe! It's a harmless mushroom! Ha? Ha?" With every 'ha' Lloyd poked the mushroom in the head with his sword.

The mushroom got mad and sprayed pink everywhere. "Huh, what the… hail..?" Lloyd started to feel dizzy and weird when he inhaled the mist by mistake, poisoning him. He wandered around like a drunken person, barely able to stand on his own two feet, till he was tackled from behind by the Minicold and landed on Genis who had finally finished off the bear. "Herro… Genish… Yo mah beshtesht fwend evar!"

"AHHH!" Genis shouted and whapped him with his ball on a string. Considering the fact that Lloyd's HP had gone to one since he had been poisoned, Genis easily killed him with one hit. "Oops…"

I'm embarrassed to say when I first played the game; I couldn't get past the stupid mushrooms. They kept on killing me… -cries-

One Life Bottle later, Lloyd was up and pissed. "Damnit, I hate mushrooms." He glared up at the Noishe, who was still in the tree. "Fine, stay up there! See if I care!" With that said, plus a 'Stupid Squirbit', they got up and left.

Along the way, they battled more enemies, horrendous Hornets, ferocious Rabbits, slimy Slimes, scary Spiders, and many more Minicolds. Lloyd let Genis take care of those while he pulled a Noishe and climbed up a tree. But they also found many good things along the way like Gald and Gels and various bottles of crap! Lloyd spontaneously started a conversation.

"So what's your friend like?" He asked.

Genis twiddled his thumbs. "Well, she's-"

Lloyd cut him off excitedly. "Is she old, wrinkled, brown, have a wet nose, furry, have a good sense of smell and hearing, chases her tail…" The list went on.

"Hey! She's not a dog, she's a human!" Genis shouted. "But I am impressed you knew all those scientific things about dogs." And you'll never know what they are. ;D

"Knew what now?" Genis smacked his forehead. "Oh my…"

Eventually they walked past a turnoff that had a sign that said: "Desian Human Ranch: Unauthorized Personnel Prohibited. Remember the Non-Aggression Treaty, or else you won't have good legs to run away with!"

"Ugh, this place! Anybody who wants to go there is sick-minded and a total dumbass! Why, I'd murder them where they stand if they were to go-"

"Well, this is my stop." Genis chirped and did a little hop skip in the direction of the ranch.

Lloyd's mouth hung open for a while before disregarding what he had said just a few seconds ago. "But you're violating-"

"No I'm not, they already did, remember the temple?" Genis pointed out.

"Good point, let's go and blackmail them!" Lloyd whooped and threw his fist in the air.

Little did they know they were headed towards their demises! Mwahahahaha! Nah, nah, just kidding.

"You got to admit, that line is SO cliché." Zelos said, popping out of no where, flicking his wrist in a very feminine way.

… Shut up.

"Blame your fate!" Kratos shouted and mini Yuan waved around a large sign that said: FREEDOM, in sloppy writing and on the other side said: REBEL.

Okay, now you're all just ganging up on me…

"Oh my goddess it's the Human Ranch!" Lloyd shouted.

… Huh? Oh yeah, back to the story.

So inside the Human Ranch, there were dozens of Desians everywhere with big whips. Next to them there were humans doing back breaking labor by painting the walls all day. In fact, they were DESIGNING the walls. Get it? Design, Desians… Yeah? Yeah? No? Damnit!

One of the Desians cracked a whip. "Hey, I said orange with purple polka-dots! Those are NOT polka-dots! They look like spots!" He took the human by the ear and dragged him to the back. "I'll show you what we do to smartasses like you…"

"Well this place sucks…" Lloyd muttered. Getting tired of him saying that yet?

"Marble!" Genis shouts to an old lady by the fence.

"What!" Marble shouts back before noticing Lloyd coming up behind him. "Did you bring a friend today?"

"We're not really friends, more like I'm the innocent bystander and he's a hitch-hiker. I'm Lloyd!" Lloyd said.

"What!" Marble shouted.

"I'm Lloyd!" Lloyd shouted.

"WHAT!"

"I'M LLOYD!" I'm amazed no one has come running yet.

"Lloyd, she's lost most of her hearing! Speak into the hearing aid." Genis scolded and shoved the said object to him.

"Okay then…" Lloyd raised it to his mouth and screamed. "I'M LLOYD!"

"OUCH! Not so loud sonny." Marble clutched her ear then got a good look at him. "Oh, you younguns are so handsome and cute these days!" She began pinching his cheeks like my grandma used to… ouch.

Genis took back the hearing aid so that Marble couldn't hear Lloyd's cries of pain and strings of curses. "Marble did you see? Did you see? There was an Oracle and Colette's going to fail like the previous Chosen, which is too bad because I want the Desians to stop trying to redesign the world!"

Marble paused from bruising the swordsman's cheeks to acknowledge him. "I would like that too. You have no idea the kinds of ideas they have to redesign the world. Like the sky is going to be purple and many places are going to be green and red! Now I love Christmas and everything, but that's just too much."

Lloyd rubbed his cheeks and noticed the marble in Marble's hand. "Hey grams, you're going to die."

"WHAT!" Marble shouted, not out of shock but because she couldn't hear, causing Genis to kick him in the shin.

"Ow, damnit Genis…" The elf handed him the hearing aid. "Hey Marble, isn't that an Exsphere in your hand?"

"Is that what this is called? I thought the Desians were just making fun of me for having a name like Marble." Marble said with a chuckle.

"Yeah… that is kind of funny!" Lloyd began laughing. "But seriously, you don't have a Key Crest on it so you could die."

"Oh my…"

"WHAT! Then save her Lloyd!" Genis panicked.

"I'm not freaking Superman you know! I can't just fly around the world in search of the special ore, use my laser vision to carve the charm then fly back to stick it on, but risk killing Grams in the process!" Lloyd flared.

"You're very knowledgeable Lloyd." Marble said. She must've just seen him move his mouth a lot and assumed he was saying something really smart.

"Couldn't Dirk make one? He's a skilled craftsman." Genis suggested.

"Hm… Maybe he could. I'll ask him!" Lloyd said as he stroked his chin.

Genis jumped around excitedly. "Thank you thank you thank you, Lloyd! Then we can save Marble!" He went to glomp Lloyd but the swordsman stepped to the side.

"HEY OLD HAG! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER HERE! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE PAINTING A WALL NEON PINK!" The Desians shouted from behind.

"WHAT!" Marble shouted back. "Run away!"

"But that neon pink wall seems so tempting." Lloyd whined.

"I know, but we can't stay!" Genis protested and ran away.

"We should at least see what they're going to do with her!" Lloyd shouted as he ran after the elf.

They searched the entire area trying to find someway to see into the ranch till they found the cliff side with flat sides that could be jumped onto. Lloyd whooped when he saw the Action Button said he could jump and got into a pose to jump. He flew through the air in that same pose until he landed. Genis did the same thing, but bothered to get the Orange Gel in the chest before following Lloyd to the edge. There they could see Marble being whipped to paint the wall neon pink faster and faster till it just burned her eyes to look at it! The horror!

"Oh no! Her eyes will have permanent sunspots if she keeps that up!" Genis wailed.

"Here's the plan, you use magic to get their attention and I'll cross-dress to distract them with my sexiness. They'll never even know it's me! While I'm doing that, you just run away!" Lloyd explained his brilliant plan and brought out some make up and a dress. "Dad always wants me to wear this for some reason then makes me do back breaking work."

Genis stared at him blankly. "… OR… you could just run down as is and make sure they don't see your face. Plus, have you ever clued in that I suck at aiming!"

"Oh come on, at least let me use the eye shadow!" Genis glared at him. "Fine… and yes, I do realize that, but you need the practice!"

"Wow that was smart. Okay, let's just rejuvenate ourselves first; I've got some of Colette's cookies." Genis pulled out a baggie of cookies.

"I thought you didn't make anything?" Lloyd asked as he ate a cookie.

"Raine made me make them, but that doesn't mean I have to give them to her." Genis shrugged and ate a cookie too.

"Good point."

So after their life was magically restored by the cookies, Genis cast Fireball on the guards. The Fireballs of course didn't want to cooperate, but they did something just as well. They set the humans nearby on fire. They screamed and flailed as they ran around like idiots, setting fire to everything in sight, even the Desians. Some of the crates filled with spray paint went on fire and started exploding every which way.

"Wow, nice shootin' Tex." Lloyd said and Genis blew the smoke away from his kendama and Lloyd jumped onto one of the pillars.

"Damnit! I knew we should've invested in some metal crates instead!" One Desian complained then spotted Lloyd. "There's the perpetrator! Open the gates!"

Several Desians went running out the gate just as Lloyd ran past. Genis on the other hand was walking, walking, walking till BAM! FACED!

"OW DAMN YOU FATE! DAMN YOU!" Genis shouted to the sky.

Somewhere else, Kratos was saying blame your fate.

"What the hell was that!" One Desian shouted and went towards where Genis was. "Let's check it out."

"CRAP GENIS!" Lloyd gave a sharp whistle towards the Desians and they all turned on him. "No, check THIS out!" Lloyd pulled down his pants and mooned them.

Then there was a very graphic scene where Desians died slow painful deaths. Unfortunately Genis saw too and ran like hell to find some water to sterilize his eyes. More Desians ran out, this time with visors, so Lloyd had to run clumsily with his pants still down till he jumped off a cliff.

"YABBA DABBA DOOOO!" He shouted as he jumped as well.

Meanwhile, Genis was running along the path, after dunking his head in a stream, till he noticed Lloyd landing and jumping towards him. "Lloyd! I'm sorry, because- PUT YOUR PANTS ON!" He shaded his eyes as Lloyd pulled up his pants.

"You're a wimp, you know that? You can't handle seeing someone's butt."

"… It wasn't your butt that I was seeing just now."

"What the hell are you- Oh…" Lloyd scratched his cheek embarrassedly. "Well THAT I can understand."

"Anyways, they saw your face… and a little more… I need to use Raine's mind eraser when I get home."

"Come on, I have a nice ass… okay fine. They're dead now so it'll be alright as long as we get out of here. I mean, they had wooden crates! What are the chances that they would have surveillance cameras or something? Just do my homework for me." Lloyd said.

"Uh… okay." Genis said, but smirked when he realized that there had been no homework that day. "Here, take my equipment so that I won't seem suspicious."

Lloyd was more than happy. "Sure, no pro- HEY! Where's the fifty-thousand Gald!" He looked up to see Genis running away.

"I'm not that stupid, sucker!" He waved the wallet around in his grip.

The camera panned up the cliff side till it landed on a colorful teal haired man who was staring down blankly. "Analyze the data from the hidden security cameras. Those inferior beings probably believe that since we have wooden crates, we don't have any." He ordered. "How could a mere human make that kind of jump..?"

"Yes sir! But… the fire is getting out of hand."

The man growled under his breath. "Call Kvar and say I'll have to cancel his Dental appointment. Thank Martel though, that guy have the worst dental hygiene ever!"

Aisu: Hehe... Lloyd is so 'cheeky'. XD; It's funny because it would never happen.

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!

The next chapter is set and will be sent in the future. My next update will be for ToH on Friday though. Till then!