Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters

Aisu: Yet another chapter of Insanity! Thank you ShadowofUndine, Sunfrost, Arikai Belnades and Number 15 for reviewing last chapter, along with the anonymous people who simply read this story! I'm pleased that people actually like this!

I personally like to go into every detail in the game and input the humor rather than everything rushed and crunched into one chapter. Sometimes I take shortcuts, but that's only because I don't have anything to really go on at a certain point. There's only like a one percent chance I'll even finish this story, let alone get them to Tethe'alla. I'm not very good when it comes to long LONG stories like this. My main focus is ToH because I've gotten so far in it and I really don't want to quit! I'm almost halfway done! I have it all played out in my mind! GAH! That's why I'm trying not to find new obsessions so I can stay content on finishing it.

While these two stories are going on, I haven't even started my mystery story. I would need to put all other projects aside so I could work on it, but I just can't do that. Fanfiction is catching up fast to my lastest chapter of ToH and then I promised myself I wouldn't get mixed up in this fic... Damnit! This was the kind of stress I was trying to avoid! I may have to just forget about the mystery story...

Argh, sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now, with this and real life. I'm finished ranting so just enjoy the chapter. Reading it again really made me feel better. It's always nice to have a laugh when you're under pressure.

NOTE: This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, SPOILERS and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!

Chapter 6: Fake Daddies and Random Conversations

Lloyd Irving, the split personality swordsman, was skipping home happily. He hacked and he slashed all the monsters in his way to pieces till they were nothing but a gory mess at his feet as he did a victory pose; you know, the one where he throws his swords in the air catches them then puts them back in his sheathes. Well, that's not very funny now is it? Let's make it a bit funnier, shall we?

Lloyd threw both swords in the air and they twirled all cool-like. "Just wasn't your day, HAHA!" He put out his hands to catch them but they were no where to be found. "What the hell?" He looked up to see they were lodged in a tree branch above his head. Though you could barely tell the difference because the swords were basically twigs themselves. "Damnit! Not again!"

Lloyd jumped into the air, defying the laws of the Action Button, and held onto the swords in both hands and started to shift his weight in order to loosen them. He then fell down flat on his back when he lost his grip. Unfortunately, the swords slipped out and spun till the points were coming straight for his face. He screamed and saw Kratos laughing at him in his mind for some reason. Fortunately, the swords only landed millimeters from piercing his ears, leaving him with only a couple splinters.

"Note to self: Never do that in a forest EVER." Lloyd said and lifted a pointed finger to make it final.

It took him a while to get up and finally leave because of shock, but when he did, he did. He slaughtered any monsters in his way and cooked them into tasty sandwiches when he felt like it. But of course he ate the fillings and threw away the bread for monsters to eat. He came across a branch with a bag on it so he when to nab anything that may be in it. He went to put his hand in but the 'bag' snarled and attempted to bite his hand off.

"IT'S A FAKE!" Lloyd screamed and ran away as the bag chased him everywhere he went.

Luckily, the Fake was afraid of water so when Lloyd tripped and fell in the river, it snuffed and went back to its branch once more. Poor Lloydie was thoroughly soaked to the bone to he spent a while running around and finding a few items before he dried off. Finally he left the forest and breathed in fresh air.

"Finally! I'm out of that hellhole!" He gaped when he saw Noishe standing right in front of him. He pointed at the dog accusingly. "I KNEW IT! You went through the forest and managed to get by me while I was about to be killed by a bag! Some 'man's best friend' you are!"

Noishe cocked his head to the side as Lloyd stomped off. In his mind, he was probably thinking: "Doesn't he know there's such a thing as going AROUND a forest?" But Noishe can't say that out loud so he just sighed through his nose and said, "Whine."

Back with our lovable, split personality swordsman, he was walking along the path, killing many more monsters along the way. Luckily, the path was short so he finally reached his destination, safe and sound and stared at the rundown shack he called home. It was a pretty damn awesome rundown shack though because it had a terrace! I want one in front of my room…

Lloyd, before entering the house, went over to the grave near by the house. "Yo, Mom! I'm home! I got that water you wanted!" He walked over to the grave and dumped a bucket of water in front of it. "I don't know why you want so much water though since you're dead. I mean, you sound so desperate in my dreams."

From heaven, Anna could be seen with a halo over her head and angel wings coming out of her back. "IT'S BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY FREAKING WATER IN HEAVEN! NOBODY ELSE IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEIR DREAMS!" She went to fly away but then turned back. "I LOVE YOU!"

With his chore done, Lloyd went to enter the house when Noishe bit on his scarves. "Yes, yes, Noishe, I'll get you your dinner right now." The dog whined happily before trotting off to his stall.

Lloyd opened the door and was met with a punch to the face. "What took you so long, kid!"

"Hey Dad, why do you always greet me with punches to the face? And why can't I return them?" Lloyd asked as he wiped the blood away from his mouth.

The short man with a bushy beard and dirty overalls did a little jig. "I sticking to the Dwarven Vows. Dwarven Vow Number 45: Greet your son with a violent gesture, but remember no punch-backs."

"Oh in that case!" The poor kid… "Hey Dad, could you make me a Key Crest?"

"No, I'm busy!" Dirk snapped and ate some pudding at the table.

"But DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! They're the hottest new accessory right now!" Lloyd whined.

"You already got one."

"But I saw someone today with an Exsphere but no Key Crest-" Lloyd slapped a hand over his mouth after having just blown his cover.

Dirk shot him a look. "Where did you find someone like that?"

Lloyd scuffed his boot on the floor. "I went to see the Oracle and a traveling mercenary who talked to his shoulder a lot had a HUGE one right out in the open."

"What's that smell?" Dirk asked causing Lloyd to get confused. "Oh yeah, IT'S BULLSHIT! You went to the ranch didn't you?"

Lloyd scuffed his boot again. "No…"

"Dwarven Vow Number 68: Don't lie to your elder's and betters." Dirk snapped.

"FINE! I DID! DON'T HURT ME!" Lloyd threw up his hands in defense.

"Did they see your Exsphere?"

"No… Why's mine so important? Mr. Hot Stuff had his right out in the open. In fact, sometimes it would zoom around his head and he would yell at it. It was really disturbing…"

"Yours is special. In fact, it's SO special that the Desians killed yo mama trying to get it away from her!" Dirk admitted.

Lloyd was like: D: till it was night time. Dirk finished his pudding in that amount of time. He got worried though when Lloyd continued to be like that and waved a hand in front of his face, calling his name.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME!" Lloyd shouted suddenly and caused Dirk to be blown back into the wall.

"Your mother was still alive at that time and told me! I never told you because that's not what kidnappers do!" Dirk exclaimed.

Lloyd once again returned to the 'D:' expression, but shorter this time. "You mean… You kidnapped me? You're not my real daddy?"

"Why do you think I make you do back breaking work in a dress!" Dirk shouted.

Lloyd pieced it all together in his mind. "I knew Mom would never go for someone as hairy as you!" He received a punch to the face that made him fly back and break the door. "I'LL FIND MY REAL DADDY AND HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS!" He heard a sneeze and looked to his left to see Genis, Colette, Raine and Kratos, who was spinning around in circles shouting curses and swatting at something invisible. "Oh, so you heard that just now?"

"Sucks to be you…" Genis muttered.

"I'll get over it." Lloyd shrugged before wiping his face of blood once again. He saw Kratos had caught whatever it was and was shouting at his fists that were clenching something invisible. "Kratos, what the hell are you doing?"

Kratos looked up and hid whatever it was behind his back. "Nothing, carry on."

Raine went up to Lloyd and crouched down to his level putting one hand on his head. "Lloydie, I think you should talk to Colette. We'll be down here just in case, okay hunny?"

Lloyd scowled and pouted. "But I don't WANT to talk to Colette! I want to find my real daddy and have him kick ugly daddy's ass!"

"Oh come on Lloyd!" Colette cried. "It'll be so much fun! I'll even give you something nice."

Lloyd had a mix of emotions just then. Excitement, disgust, horror, confusion, sadness, anger, more anger, and freaking pissed. He sighed and put his hands behind his head casually.

"FINE! But just give me a few minutes. If I know my real daddy, he would be looking for mom; therefore he'll be by the grave!"

"Okay, I'll be on the bench. You better come back!" She shouted for good measure.

Lloyd shrugged and went around the house. He was cut off by Genis who wanted to talk to him about not having a real dad, and the whole Key Crest business. He was then cut off by Raine who was crying about how much she would miss him. Lloyd ran away screaming when she wanted to give him a goodbye hug. Then he marched off to his mom's grave to find… DUN, DUN, DUN… Kratos!

"Kratos! You're my real daddy? MY LIFE IS RUINED!" Lloyd cried.

Kratos yelped and turned to him waving his hands like a maniac. "No, no, no! I caught sight of the grave and went to check it out!"

"Oh, okay then." Lloyd took a bucket of water and dumped it on his mom's grave.

Kratos stared at him like he had just grown an arm out of his head. "What are you doing?"

"In my dreams, Mom always yells at me to dump water on her grave. So I do." He finished pouring the water then threw the bucket over his shoulder, hitting Genis by accident.

"…" Kratos wasn't sure what to think as mini-Yuan was all but dying of laughter.

Annoyed with the small conscience's hysterical chortling, he flicked him off his shoulder. "What was that?" Lloyd asked since to him, it looked like the man had just flicked nothing.

"Mosquito…" Kratos coughed before recomposing himself. "Anyways, I assume your father is dead?"

"NO! He's alive and he's going to kick short daddy's ass after I kick his ass for abandoning me!" Lloyd shouted.

Kratos inched away subconsciously. "I… think I'll leave now."

In heaven, Anna was crying. "NO! COME BACK YOU SEXY BEAST! I LOVE YOU!"

With Kratos and Yuan. "You know, you should tell him sooner or later. Or I might out of boredom." Yuan said while stretching and yawning. Laughing your head off takes a lot out of you.

"Not now, I don't feel like having my ass kicked by a hairy shrimp." Kratos muttered, afraid to admit he was actually terrified by Lloyd's kidnapper father.

"Wuss…"

"I know. I'm ashamed of myself too…"

Lloyd, oblivious to everything around him, went to go and find Colette to talk to her and was about to when he heard growling. "Huh- OH CRAP! I forgot to feed you Noishe!" He then ran inside, jumping over Dirk like a hurdle since he was short enough, got the Proto-Bites which were Noishe's dinner, jumped over Dirk once more, then went back to see Noishe lying belly up in his stall. "NO! NOISHE! I sorry I didn't give you dinner! Here, I'll give you extra to make up for it!"

Lloyd filled Noishe's doggie dish till it was overflowing and walked away to put away the food. Noishe got up immediately after, not really playing dead, and ate quite happily. Sneaky dog… After the swordsman put away the food, he felt quite tired, forgot all about Colette and went to bed in his little Noishe PJs and night cap. Huh… I never knew he could be that dim. That left everyone wandering around aimlessly for the rest of the night, except for Kratos because he got wise and left.

Lloyd woke up at around eight because he had been so excited about going on the journey with Colette and the others… wait…

"SHIT!" Lloyd screamed and ran out on the terrace in his pajamas and everything to see Colette sitting there contently while Genis and Raine were sleeping on the lawn. If you looked closely, you could see cobwebs here and there hanging off of Colette. "Um… Colette?"

Colette was jogged out of her sleep and saw Lloyd up on the terrace. "Oh, are you ready Lloyd?" She got up and went inside the house to get to where he was.

Lloyd sighed in relief that she wasn't mad. Maybe she was just having a mood swing again and was really pissed on the inside. He looked up to see Colette entering through the door to the terrace now. Then he realized he left the necklace in his room. Now for a good lie…

"Um, Colette? Fake Dad ate the necklace I made for you."

BRILLIANT!

"The poor necklace!" Colette cried. "Oh well though, my birthday was yesterday so it doesn't really matter now. But I do expect you to make another to make up for it!"

"… Okay. Can I come with you on the journey, please! I want to get back at the Desians for killing Mom and find my real Dad so I can kick his ass for abandoning me and have him kick Fake Dad's ass for kidnapping me." Lloyd pleaded.

"But there will be many SCARY monsters on the way…" She said eerily and waved her hands around for an added scary effect.

"I know." Lloyd replied simply.

Colette thought for a moment. "Okay, come to the village at noon sharp. If you come even a millisecond before or after, you can't come."

"Okay, noon sharp, got it!"

"I'll see Remiel at the next seal, then I'll get my wings, then I unlock the rest of the seals and then…"

"… You get screwed over by the angels and fail right?" Lloyd added.

"Sure. Let's go with that." Colette laughs nervously. "I'm gonna kick ass!"

"Me too!" Lloyd declares.

The door to the terrace opens and Genis and Raine could be seen yawning. "Colette, dear, let's go so we can get ready." Raine said.

"Yeah, Dirk woke us up by beating us with brooms…" Genis yawned grouchily and they both left.

"Okay, see at noon sharp Lloyd, no more, no less." Colette was about to leave when she glanced back at him. "Oh and nice PJs."

Lloyd blushed when he realized he was still in his Noishe pajamas. He looked over the terrace to see they were all waving at him so he waved back.

"Now I can catch a couple more hours of sleep…" Lloyd yawned and went back to bed.

As planned, he woke up a couple hours later, packed a few things and got dressed. He then decided to apologize to Dirk because he, after all, put up with him all those years. He noticed he wasn't in the workshop so he went outside to see him watering Anna's grave.

"Hey Fake Dad, why are you watering Mom's grave? That's my job." Lloyd asked.

"I'll need to do it while you're gone so I thought I would practice." Dirk replied and handed him a bracelet. "Here's the Key Crest you wanted, now you can't say I never did anything for you except make you do work in a dress."

"Wow, thanks!" Lloyd beamed and took the Key Crest.

"I'm just going along with the teachings. Dwarven Vow Number 453: Always award your fake son, even if he's a total dumbass. I also packed a few things for you."

Lloyd grimaced at the objects. "Two Apple Gels, a Life Bottle, and a Map… Wow… you shouldn't have… You're letting me go?"

"Yes, you're free now. You'll always be my Fake Son, regardless of the fact that I kidnapped you." Dirk grinned. "Never forget Dwarven Vow Number 7."

Lloyd whined. "That's the crappiest vow you ever taught me…"

"SAY IT!"

"Goodness and Love will always win… I feel stupid just saying it…"

"Now run along scamp! Just remember I can't clean the gutters myself and come back!" Dirk said.

"Okay, NOISHE WE'RE LEAVING!" Lloyd shouted and Noishe came running along with Genis. "Genis, what are you doing here?"

"Lloyd, Colette left already! She said ten o'clock sharp!" Genis shouted at him.

"No, she said noon sharp." Lloyd said panicking a bit.

"ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHING! I came because you never showed up!" The elf flared.

"Why… why would she do this to me..?" Lloyd asked the heavens and fell to his knees.

"Lloyd, go to Iselia and find out!" Dirk said and booted him to his feet.

So Lloyd and Genis rode Noishe to Iselia as if it were a wild west chase scene… or just really fast.

Aisu: I really liked this chapter. 'Fake Dad ate the necklace I made for you'... I love that part so much for some reason.

Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review!

Yeah, next update will be for ToH on Friday. I'm a little under the weather right now and don't really have any motivation to type another backup chapter for Insanity. I don't know when I'll update this next. So I'm going to stick to my goal and work on ToH while this is on the side when I get bored! And if I'm bored with both of them, then I'll start my mystery story! Till then!