Disclaimer: I Don't Own Tales of Symphonia or Any of Its Characters
Aisu: Thank you judaspriest, Barbako, ShadowofUndine, StarlightDemonFiresong, Number 15 and Kitsu Kurasei for reviewing last chapter!
If you didn't read my A/N on ToH, updates are going to be scarce starting September when my brother is taking away his computer. I'll be doing everything in my power to try and update though!
This is an... odd chapter. Odd and violent. Maybe on the levels of odd as Chapter 1. I dunno. Enjoy anyways!
NOTE: This fic contains many swears (Except the F-word which will be beeped), some unnecessary violence, very OOC characters, SPOILERS and more. I've warned you, so now you can't hold me responsible for anything that may affect your health! HAH!
- X -
Chapter 8: Hallucinations and Stupid Fortune Tellers
Soon after their banishment, Lloyd and Genis made their way out of Iselia riding on top of their faithful pooch Noishe. Well, he wasn't so faithful when it came to monsters. He would buck them both off, run to the nearest tree and hide in it till the battle was over. But that didn't happen for a while because the two boys were still in shock from being thrown to the ground and took a REDICULOUS amount of damage from the monsters. When they actually DID finish, Noishe came back, five steps later, they were bucked off again, until they got wise and DIDN'T ride Noishe. When all was said and done, they were both in a critical state and wasted more than half their stock by the time they reached the outskirts of the House of Salvation.
"Why didn't my beret protect me!" Genis wailed as he shook the said hat. You know the armor/accessories you equip?
"Because it's a freaking hat!" Lloyd shouted, "It's about as useful as the boots we bought!" He raised his left foot to show he had two pairs of boots on. The second pair was torn and ripped as if it had been forced over the first pair… which was most likely what had occurred.
"But… he assured me that my defense would go up… I got it from the Mayor after all." Genis muttered but then realization dawned on him. "Damnit!"
"I thought that looked familiar!" Lloyd gasped, threw Genis' beret to the ground, aimed Genis' hand so that the Sorcerer's Ring would set the hat on fire, and shot. "Phew… that was a close one. You could've been the next May- Uh oh…" Apparently half-dead grass is flammable. They walked away whistling innocently as an inferno grew behind them.
The positive thing about the forest fire was that monsters didn't bother them after that. The negative was well… you know. Dumb and Dumber walked towards the House of Salvation which was in hysterics because of the fire. But of course, no one was doing a damn thing about it. Genis pulled on Lloyd's scarves to make the boy stop.
"I know all the people here are probably dumbasses, but let's ask if they've seen Colette come by." Genis suggested.
"Geez, you didn't have to strangle me to tell me that." Lloyd growled.
"But your scarves are attached to your collar, not your throat." The elf pointed out as he walked up to a man with a large backpack, ignoring the boy's protests. "Hey, did the Chosen's Group pass by here?"
"I see a lot of things… I never step away from this spot. What did she look like?" The guy asked.
Genis thought for a moment. "Well, she's blond, likes to kill things that offend her, and she's on twenty-four seven PMS."
"Oh, this girl?" The guy took a hand drawn picture out of his backpack. It was an amazing drawing of Colette with beautiful shading, coloring, and was fine detailed.
"Wow, this is pretty cool, you did it?" Genis awed.
The guy scratched the back of his head. "Yeah… I drew it… Let's go with that. Are you on a pilgrimage?"
"I guess you could call it that." Lloyd said, finally jumping in. "Or you could say we were banished from our village by a pansy Mayor thanks to a stupid Dentist."
"… Well, I'll tell you about the Guidepost Monuments then." He pulled out another drawing, but this time it was lop-sided, terribly done and the coloring didn't even stay in the lines. "You find these on your journey and get Long-Range Mode or something."
Lloyd stared at the crappily done picture, tilting his head to the side. "It looks like a candy cane."
"Yeah, I'm not very good at drawing." He sighed.
"Wait a minute; you DIDN'T do that picture of Colette?" Genis gasped and pointed accusingly at the man.
"Err… well…"
"ART THIEF!" Genis shot the guy with the Sorcerer's Ring. Remember kiddies, stealing is BAD.
After that little episode, they both spent the night in the House of Salvation. They went upstairs and spoke to the bed there, for some weird reason, paying the old lady nearby one-hundred Gald for the night. They were both very disturbed by the fact that they had to sleep in the same bed, but that wasn't as disturbing as what was happening when they finally went to bed.
"Must you stare at us while we sleep..?" Lloyd asked the old lady just standing there… staring at them.
"I'm paid a thousand Gald an hour to do this, plus I can never miss a yaoi moment!" The lady chuckled.
That was the last straw and Lloyd kicked Genis out of the bed. Luckily the elf had already been asleep so he didn't protest. After a long, LONG night of discomfort, Lloyd decided he would attach Genis' Exsphere. Genis sat across from him at a table with his right hand out.
"Are you sure you can do this? Will it hurt..?" Genis asked fearfully.
"Not at all, Fake Dad did mine and I didn't feel a thing." Lloyd held Genis' wrist, after carefully setting the Key Crest on his hand, then whipped out a large hammer. "Now hold still." He began smashing the Key Crest onto Genis' hand as if he was trying to force a crooked nail to go in straight.
"OH DEAR –beep-ING GODDESS IT –beep-ING HURTS! YOU –beep-ING ASSHOLE LLOYD!" In the midst of his screams, Genis kicked Lloyd's shin every time he hammered his hand.
It turned into a spiteful circle of pain where they inflicted more pain on each other with every assault. Somewhere, Kratos was saying: "Blame your fate." It took a while, but they finally stopped. Lloyd had a broken leg while the bones in Genis' hands had been turned to dust. The old lady who stared at them happened to a healer too and cured them of their boo-boos.
"I thought you said it wouldn't hurt!" Genis snapped as they walked away from the House of Salvation, though admiring the new Exsphere on his hand, which was no longer mangled.
"Come to think of it, Fake Dad was more skilled and pumped me with maybe a gallon of morphine before he did it." Lloyd said with a faint limp in his walk.
"You jackass!"
They began a game of Shiitori to pass the time, though it was mainly calling each other names that just so happened to begin with the last letter of every word. And they were extremely good at it too! It made walking through the desert a breeze until they realized they were in a desert and began exaggerating about how hot they were.
"It's SO HOT!" Lloyd complained and looked around till he noticed Triet right there in the distance. "I think I'm starting to see things."
"What do you mean?" Lloyd looked down at Genis but screamed bloody murder. "What the hell's wrong now!"
"TOMATO!" Lloyd screamed and backed away from Genis. "IT'S TALKING TO ME!"
"Lloyd you're hallucinating, I'm not a tomato!" Genis shouted, but to Lloyd, it was like the tomato was opening up and juice was squirting everywhere. "I'm Genis!"
"Oh yeah right, that was what the Asparagus said and I lopped its damn head off!" Lloyd drew his twig swords and chased after the 'tomato'. "FEEL MY WRATH VILE VEGGIE OF DEATH!"
"A TOMATO'S A FRUIT DUMBASS!" Genis screamed as he ran towards Triet, Noishe who WAS in fact there, going after them.
Eventually they reached Triet, both too exhausted to chase each other anymore, and Lloyd's hallucination faded off, so they decided to stop by the inn immediately. That is, until they saw, dun, dun, DUN… Desians! Both hid behind Noishe.
"For once, I'm grateful for Noishe's big ass." Lloyd chuckled as they hid in the dog pen to watch.
"Orthodontic professional Forcystus' orders are to capture Lloyd Irving who has an Exsphere. He doesn't have a number yet so for now we have to call him 'Number 69'." One Desian said causing another to snicker. "Ew, you're such a pervert Bill."
"So, what does Number 69 look like?" The Desian who was named Bill cracked up once again.
"Shut up, Bill! His likeness and description are on the posters." He pasted the said poster on a wall. "Hey, this isn't too bad. Did you make it?" He asked the Desian that wasn't Bill.
"I wish; it was actually some bozo from the House of Salvation back there. I wish I had done it though."
Bill snickered. "Let's go find Number 69 then." He couldn't contain himself so the other two knocked him out before going to ask the Katz Counter.
Back with the three in the shack…
"Hee, hee… sixty-nine." Lloyd snickered.
"Grow up Lloyd; we need to find Raine and the others." Genis snapped then remembered the poster. "Let's go look at that poster!"
Making sure the coast was clear, the two walked over to the poster and Lloyd immediately went to the 'D:' expression. "What the –beep-!"
Genis had a screwed up expression that was a cross between pure disgust and amusement… I wonder how he can pull that off. Oh yeah, the 'XD' smilie. "I like how they made your butt chin. And look, your scarves blow in the wind even!"
"I'm SO suing someone when this journey is over!" Lloyd shouted then noticed something. "Ooh! A weapon shop!"
Lloyd went running over to the shop to find a small kid running it. He beat up the kid easily and jacked all his weapons for free! Now he had some REAL swords that were all shiny and stuff! He tossed Genis a Fine Star reluctantly but when he realized he was going to need help, he didn't want WEAK help. The armor had an adult running it so Lloyd couldn't pull the same stunt and PAID for the armor. The horror! And they also bought a bunch crap then noticed the hole in a nearby wall. The person in front was squealing like a fangirl. They easily deducted that it was Colette's fist again… somehow. They finished in that part of town so they went to the back area where they bought a crapload of food. Then they went into a tent that had attracted them with its mysteriousness.
The gypsy at the counter woke up. "I was expecting you…" She squinted. "… Lloyd Irving."
"How ever did you know my name?" Lloyd asked sarcastically. "Look lady, we're looking for the Chosen's Group."
"I know… one-hundred Gald." She held out her hand expectantly.
Lloyd drew his sword to her chin. "You thought it was threatening with a twig sword? Well, now it's the REAL thing!"
The fortune teller frowned and pushed the blade aside with her finger. "Fine, the hot guy said they were going to Triet Ruins. I was going to tell you your friends' affections for you but now I'm just offended. Everyone hates you, except for Colette who wants to have your babies. Now get out of my tent."
They walked out, Genis setting the tent on fire with the Sorcerer's Ring before they walked away laughing like maniacs. Something came to Lloyd then as they were about to leave Triet.
"Genis, you hate me?" He asked incredulously.
The elf shrugged. "I only started to when you tried to assault me with you swords; that was like minus ten affection! And somehow Raine knew and dive-bombed too and Kratos just hates you. Colette loves you no matter what you do. Even if you chopped off her arm she'd be all like," He put on a girly voice and waved his hands all feminine-like. "Oh Lloyd, you're so clumsy! I should be tearing you a new one, but I just want to love you forever and make babies with you!"
"Wow that was a pretty good girly voice." Lloyd applauded.
"What did you expect? I'm voiced by a girl." Genis sighed.
They were about to walk out of Triet when heard someone shout at them. "Hey! You two stop!"
Genis gasped and turned around, but this weird glitch occurred on my file where Lloyd continued to face our way like he was ignoring the Desians. I loved that so I'm inputting it! "Doesn't he look like Number 69 on the wanted posters- SHUT UP BILL!"
"How could you tell from staring at my ass!" Lloyd snapped but stayed facing us.
He was ignored and one of the other Desians looked at the poster at least a yard away. The Desian was near-sighted though so he just assumed it was. "Yeah, it looks just like him!"
Genis cracked up. "They must've confused your butt-chin for your actual butt!"
"Shut up!"
"Number 69 - Bill be quiet! It just so happens that he's the sixty-ninth wanted criminal! - You're the infamous Lloyd Irving?" The leader Desian asked.
"Sure whatever." Lloyd shrugged, still not turning around.
"You're being pretty laid back about this, aren't you?" Genis pointed out.
Lloyd finally turns to face Genis. "They're just Desians, there's no reason to get your panties in a knot."
"You can't run away now that your face is everywhere! You might as well give up now!" Bill laughed. "Yeah, that's right, give up Number 69!" He literally was rolling in the sand now.
"Bill, it's not even that funny. Just get the kid so we can retire wealthy." Another Desian sighed and took out his whip, as well as the other, and Bill took out a paintball gun.
Now that Lloyd had his new shiny swords, he was ready to kick some serious butt! Genis, now equipped with his new Exsphere, was eager to see if his aim improved and began casting an Aqua Edge attack. Lloyd gave a loud battle cry and charged at the Desians, hacking and slashing, till one's whip managed to knock his swords away easily.
"Holy crap, don't hurt me!" Lloyd squeaked holding his arms up in surrender as the Desians approached him. "Got you, suckers!"
He kicked sand in their eyes and as planned, jumped to the side so Genis' Aqua Edge could trip the two Desians over and he could beat the snot out of them with his fists. Genis in the meantime was doing a little dance now that he could aim more properly, but was abruptly stopped when Bill shot at him with a blob of neon green. Genis managed to narrowly escape the assault then got a great idea.
"SIXTY-NINE!" He shouted and Bill went back to cracking up. That made him easy prey for Genis so he was defeated quickly.
Lloyd was finally getting up after beating the Desians to a pulp and collected his swords. "Gee, that really sucked."
"Really; you need to keep your guard up just in case they come back." Genis said.
"What would be the chances of that- OH GODDESS THE PAIN!" Lloyd screamed and fell over unconscious, revealing that he had been shot in the back by a blast of fluorescent pink paint.
"Pink is for Power, BEEYOTCH!" One Desian snarled.
"For the love of Martel, Lloyd!" Genis sighed in exasperation before taking his role of the 'whiny hyper little brat.' "DESIANS! It's a dream come true!" He ran over to one and tugged at his armor. "Can I be your laundry boy, PLEEEEEEEEEEASE! Mommy said if I got straight A's and stopped picking my nose I could!"
"Get off me, brat!" He shoved the boy aside to pick up Lloyd.
"Ooh! What's this! What's this!" Genis squealed pointing at the paintball gun strapped to his back. He pulled the trigger and brown paint blasted at another Desian's butt. "Ha, ha, you pooped your pants!"
"Why you little..!" The said Desian grabbed Genis by the scruff of his shirt and the troops dragged the two back to their base, Noishe following with a leafy branch in his mouth for camouflage.
At the base…
"… So my sister continued to beat me with her staff and I laughed. It was SO funny!" Genis laughed giddily as he told them fake stories about his 'abusive' sister.
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" The Desians snarled then noticed they were finally at the base. "THANK MARTEL!" He could finally throw the elf aside.
"We've brought Lloyd… and some annoying brat." He announced to the guards.
"Lloyd in, annoying brat out." They pointed and dragged Lloyd inside but noticed his pants. "Ned, you really need to control yourself."
"IT'S PAINT!"
"So what do I do first! Wash the floors? Wax the machines? Tune the control panels?" Genis' list went on.
"You're not doing anything; we're giving you the boot! You've apparently lived a freaking tough life thanks to your sister. Plus, as a fellow kinsman, it would only be fair." Way to go Namco, you completely gave it away with one single word…
"You mean… I'm free to go..?" Genis whimpered but then began bawling his eyes out. "BUT I WANT TO STAY HERE AND BAKE COOKIES WITH YOOOOOOOOOU!" A cookie to whoever can guess which old kid's movie I borrowed that from. I'll be extremely surprised if you do remember.
"GET OUT!" They snarled.
"Okay! I love you, buh-bye!" Genis then skipped off.
"… What a disturbed kid…" They muttered.
Genis stopped skipping once he was in front of Noishe. "Ugh, that was annoying, even for me… Okay Noishe, Lloyd is a complete dumbass so we need to help him escape!" Noishe howled in reply, as Genis mounted him.
This might take a while…
- X -
Aisu: O.O; Yup, odd indeed. I liked the beginning but then I think it got out of hand once they got to Triet. If you don't understand the 69 joke then don't try to. Bill was just a perverted Desian who found it funny. u.u;
Love it? Hate it? Suggestions? Please leave a review! The next chapter later this week is clever, I'll tell you that much! How Lloyd get's through the Base without a Sorcerer's Ring! Remember? Genis has it. :D