Written a couple of years ago with IvybyMoonlight
If Harry was in Slytherin…
Sorting hat: SLYTHERIN!
Ron: NOOOOOO!
Hermione: Ooooh! I'm so sorry Harry, maybe next time.
(Harry goes over to the Slytherin table)
Draco: So, Harry Potter, I knew you'd make it! Mwah ha ha ha !
Harry: I'll help you make 'Potter stinks' badges if you want. (Thinks) Hold on, I'm Potter!
Draco: (Rolls eyes)
(Dementor comes in)
Draco: Hi dad!
Dementor: I make things turn icy with my evil look!
Slytherin: Hi evil dementor guy!
Ron: Bad luck Harry, we really thought that we were your real friends! sob
Harry: But my real friend is the evil dementor guy!
(Enter Sauron)
Sauron: I have come to destroy the one you call…MOLDIE VOLDIE! For I am the only evil guy! Mwah ha ha ha!
Draco: NOOOOO!
Slytherin: NOOOOO!
Draco: Ok no need to copy! Looks miffed)
(Enter Mouldy Voldy with pack of Death eaters)
MV: Hi evil Bro!
Sauron: There will only be one evil one tonight! Mwah ha ha ha !
MV: Ok, see ya later! (Dissaperates)
Hermione: You can't dissaperate in the Hogwarts grounds! Honestly, hasn't he read Hogwarts a history?
Ron: Um… has any one?
Hermione: Good point. Any way… Back to Slytherin!
Scene two…
Snape: I don't know who to favour more, Malfoy or Potter?
Hermione: I know! I know! (Has hand in the air)
Snape: Wrong!
Hermione: (Looks miffed again)
Ron: I know your biggest secret…
Snape: NOOO! I'll favour you! Even though I hate you.
Ron: (Whispers to Hermione) I don't know really.
Hermione: (Whispers back) I do.
(Harry pokes Ron in the back and pulls Hermione's hair)
Ron and Hermione: Ow!
Snape: Detention Granger. Ron see me after for sweety points.
Draco: I want sweety points to! (Pouts)
Harry: And me! And me!
Snape: SWEETY POINTS FOR ALL! Apart from Granger.
Hermione: (Sulks)
Draco: Hey Harry, why don't you come to mine over the summer? We could have Slythie sleepovers!
Harry: (Giggles in a girly way) Oooh! Slythie sleep-overs, sounds like fun!
Pansy: Hey Harry, wanna go out some time? Oh yeah, I forgot, I'm engaged to Draco. Hey I'm rich! Let's go out anyway!
Harry: Many would die for Draco!
Pansy: I know. I did.
Harry: SHRIEK! A ghost! (Runs out the dungeons) don't owl me I'll owl you.
Pansy: I'll take that as a yes then…?
Scene three…
Draco: …And they all died a painful death. The end.
Harry: OOOH! Freaky!
Slytherin: FREAKY!
Harry and Draco: STOP COPYING US!
Harry: We should be brothers, we're so alike…
Draco: who were your parents?
Harry: Dunno, their dead.
Draco: But are they…?
Harry: are you suggesting that we are related?
Draco: (shrugs) Could be. I'll ask mum.
Harry: Ok.
Draco: (Sticks head in the fire but forgets floo powder) OWW!
Harry: (Passes the floo powder)
Draco: Thanks. My nose. Where's my nose?
Pansy: Here you go Draco. (Hands him his nose)
Draco: (Sticks head back in the fire with the floo powder) Hi Mum! Am I related to Harry?
Narcissa: oh yeah I forgot to tell you that you have a long lost brother. But he didn't have blond hair so we abandoned him. He can come home now if he wants.
Draco: Ok! Thanks mum. (Withdraws head) You are now Harry Malfoy! Congrats!
Slytherin: (Singing) FOR HE'S A JOLLY GOOD MALFOY…!
Scene four…
Vince: So I was like, "Ya…?" and he was like, "Ya! Like, totally ya!" and I was like, "You sooo cannot be serious!" and he was like, "Uhh…like DUH am I serious, I mean hello, this Margaret Thatcher we're talking about…" and I was all like, "Omygod! Omygod!"
(thinks for a moment-) can't remember anymore…
Harry, Draco, and Greg: GIRLIE GIGGLES!"
Draco: (yelling wildly and waving arms in the air-) OOOH! I'VE GOT AN IDEA! Let's play truth or dare!
Harry: YAY! I go first! Uhh…Greg- truth or dare?
Greg: Hmm…(ten min's later-)…mmm DARE!
Harry: I dare you to run around the manor totally naked!
Draco: (looking doubtful) I dunno… My parents are in.
Harry: (Playfully thumping him on the back-) Aww come on! Don't ruin the whole thing just 'cause your mum will probably have night-mares for the rest of her life if she sees Greg naked…(thinks and a painful expression appears-) saying that though, we'll probably have night-mares too…
Vince: I dunno, once you've seen it a couple of times and got over the shock, it gets kinda nice…
Draco and Harry: EWW!
Greg: (quickly-) Anyway, Draco, truth or dare?Draco: TRUTH!
Greg: What was the worst moment of your life?
Draco: When Dad told me I had to marry Pansy 'pug-face' Parkinson. Shudders imagine having to spend the rest of your life with that!
Harry: (looking sympathetic-) I feel for you mate.
Draco: (looks pathetic and starts to sob) My life is over before it even began! Alas! What did I do wrong in a previous life? (Starts to knock back anti-depression pills, Vince and Greg grab his arms quickly, whilst Harry snatches the pills away and shakes a finger at Draco-)
Harry: No more pills for you Mr. Malfoy- (Throws pills out of the over-decorative, French, highly expensive, sash windows. )
Draco: (pouts) Don't like you no more…Harry: Aww, is little Drakey sulking cos nasty old Harry won't let him commit suicide?
Draco: Mutters incoherently
(Harry, Greg and Vince exchange 'looks')
(Suddenly, Pansy appears in a flash of pink and purple smoke)
Draco: NOOOOOOOOO!
Pansy: (jumps onto Draco) Daarrling! (Looks at Harry and flutters eyelashes) Hiya Harry. (Blows kissed at Vince and Greg who grimace in a disgusted sort of way.
Draco: Why must you torment me?
Harry: yeah. This is a boys party. No girls allowed!
Greg: (Squeals) Ewww! Cooties!
Random Slytherin people: EWWW COOTIES!
(Everyone looks confused. Draco pushes Pansy off disgustedly and Pansy goes over to sit with Harry)
Pansy: Hey Harry. How ya doin'?
Harry (Crying) Eeeek! Cooties! Get them off me!
Pansy (Crying too) HARRY HATES MEEEEEEEE!
(Stops crying and goes over to Greg)
Pansy: (Purring) you like me, don't you Greg? (She runs a meaningful finger up her leg)
Greg: Umm…mayb- (Vince whacks him across the head) Ow!.
Vince: Oh shut up.
Greg: (Indignant) You shut up!
Vince: Make me!
Greg: Make me make you!
(Harry, Draco and Pansy sigh)
Pansy: Lovers tiff.
Harry: Godd! Get a room guys!
Draco: (Rolls his eyes) Tch! Honestly! Young wizards today!
Greg: (Makes camp hand gestures towards Draco) Oh you know you love it really, Drake. Go on, admit it!
Vince: Yeah Drake! You want it don't you? You waaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnt iiit!
Draco: (Pushes them both away) Get away from me you poofs!
Greg: (highly affronted) We're not poofs, are we Vince?
Vince: Certainly not Greg.
(They attack Draco with camp hand gestures)
Draco: Stop it! Stop it! Get away from me! HHHAAAARRYY! Make them stop!
Harry: (Tapping Greg and Vince on the shoulders) Now, now boys, there are girls in the room remember.
Draco: Girl Harry. Just one.
Harry: (Meaningfully) No Draco, girls.
(Everyone laughs except Draco, who goes off to sulk in a corner)
Scene five…
Draco: The hiiiiilllls are aliiiive….(meaningfully) With the sooouuund of muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuussssssiiic…
Harry: With sooonnnngs they have sung….
Vince and Greg: FOR A THOOOOOUUUUSAAAND YEEEEEAAARRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
Snape: (Shaking his head sadly) Oh God, what did I do in a previous life to deserve this?
Pansy: (shielding her eyes with embarrassment) Ho hum….I do not know them….
Draco: (Waving a nun's habit at Pansy) You want it, Pansy. You waaaaaannnnt iiiiit….
Pansy: Oh shut up, Draco….