Chapter 8
"Insecurities"
Dagonet couldn't believe the new problem that he now faced. Just when things were finally going down the path that they needed to be between he and Rhiannon, this had to happen. What would Rhiannon think of him in the face of this accusation? Damn that Aria! She would truly be a fortunate woman if he didn't strangle her the next time they met.
Dag could hear Rhiannon moving behind him, and he turned to find her risen, and just beginning to lace her tunic back into place. She had one eyebrow cocked inquiringly at him, but she didn't appear angry. Her fingers worked at the laces while her eyes stayed on him awaiting whatever it was that he might have to say about this. He was wary of her calm, but relieved that she was still anyway.
"Rhiannon...", Dagonet shook his head in disgust. "I will take care of this problem when we return. We can now if you like..."
"Is anything that she said at all true?" Rhiannon's voice gave nothing away, but her tone was no-nonsense. Dagonet was glad that she had cut him off, because he knew that he would have soon been babbling. His balance had been slightly thrown off by all of this. He was certainly a man of solid speech, and never wasted his words, but for once, he couldn't seem to force his words into the things he needed to say, and she was saving him the confusion, as well as the embarrassment. He was completely bewildered by Aria's little stunt.
"No. She is a...prostitute." Dagonet had given pause before using the cruder name for Aria that had come to his tongue. "We are not lovers, nor have we been, unless it is taken into account that I have paid her before for her services, as I have others. I do not feel that it makes those women my lovers. I have bought their services as have many."
"There have been no promises of any kind between you?"
Rhiannon waited somewhat tensely for Dagonet's answer.
She believed every word that Dagonet was telling her, but she wanted all the facts that could be had about this before she began dealing with it. She had already made too many assumptions that had left her feeling like a jackass. Still, she was having the worst time making her mind sit still and focus, even in this serious situation. Abrupt, and rude as Aria's intrusion upon them had been, she still burned for Dagonet's body, and she had been so close to having it. A hot blush slammed across her face, turning even her ears red when she thought about what it was that they had been doing on the ground only moments before. The longing that her vision inspired, just for the power of his nearness and her need for him to be as close to her as possible, made her feel momentarily maddened. She felt a great and terrible need to immerse herself with him. There was a demand to merge with him in any way that she could. The physical way was the most obvious means available.
Dagonet wanted to smile, because her thoughts were perceptible to him in the most basic way. He could see a measured restraint in her body and correctly read it as her way of reigning in her want to pick up where they had been interrupted. It gratified him. Perhaps then, she trusted him yet, and that Aria with her sickeningly absurd speech would not create a new barrier between he and his strange little healer. This woman of his was a woman no doubt, but so untried in some of her ways, that he couldn't help but want to protect her, and somehow keep her unspoiled. He had seen ruin at it's worst, and while her character being disillusioned would hardly measure as dire in the larger scheme to most, the idea seemed disastrous to him. His heart felt as though it were physically opening to Rhiannon inside of his chest. His words were a mirror of the warmth that flowed through him.
"My love, there were no promises." When the endearment left Dagonet's mouth he nearly failed to notice it because it was spoken so truly. Rhiannon's eyebrows that had shot up at his words were what jolted him. He had been through this with himself over and over again, when deep down he knew that he had to be falling in love with her, if he was not totally in love with her already. Dagonet read the question in her alert, but soft expression and went the short distance to her. Looking down into the softened face that no longer questioned but merely studied him in silent affection made whatever words he might have said forgotten. His thoughts had all fled save one, and that was the singular knowledge that the woman he looked at was his and his alone. It took his breath away. For long moments he was content just to look upon her, to acknowledge the way that she knowingly, and unknowingly made visible her feelings for him. He could hardly believe that the warm passion and enamored expression that she wore was for him and not some other man. There also came the dawning knowledge of what he needed to say to her. She had after all bared her heart to him, and there was indeed much that he wished to say to his bride to be. So many things that he needed to ask.
"Come, the brook is just outside the trees. While we work, I would like for us to talk." Dagonet's voice was soft as he drew near her face to brush his lips over her forehead, his hands cradling her face tenderly. He did not dare to try to kiss her lips so briefly, though he was tempted sorely when he felt the light pressure of her hands on his forearms.
Rhiannon felt somewhat faint and electrified all at once when Dagonet drew so near to her. He overwhelmed all of her senses completely, but she accepted the sweet gesture without any true attempt to prolong the contact. She very much wished to hear what he had to say to her, despite her body's complaints. Stepping carefully so as not to betray her turmoil with clumsiness, she stepped back and picked her pack up, slinging it over her shoulders once more. Dagonet did the same with his own. He took notice of her continued measured movements with a hidden smile, before straightening, and offering Rhiannon his hand. With an easy smile that displayed healthy, if somewhat large teeth, she accepted and they moved through the warm clearing to the shade of the trees, and into them. The brook was clearly audible now, though Rhiannon had heard it from the clearing as well. Judging by the noise it made, it was quite large. Holding tightly to Dagonet's hand, she was soon in view of it, and found that she had been accurate in her guess. The whole forest surrounding them had a wonderful mossy; the water running through it, and tumbling down its short waterfalls made Rhiannon's heart well with the beauty of it. Mint grew in plentiful mass, as did the mandrake nearby. Dagonet released Rhiannon's hand, and she reached to take her pack off. Kneeling, she opened the bag and took out large bundles of fabric. Unrolling several rags from the bundle, she went wordlessly to the slight bank, and bent to wet them. Rhiannon had heard Dagonet move once, and she knew that he had taken his pack off as well. She also knew that he now watched her. She could feel his eyes upon her.
"How are you faring?" She asked lightly without turning from her task.
"I am fine." Dagonet answered easily. She had not hovered over him as Galahad had predicted to him earlier, nor even as he thought that she would. Rhiannon had let him go now for hours without asking after his health. He had wondered how long she would hold out, and frankly she had surprised him. He was however right in imagining that it might have been itching on her tongue to ask. She had denied herself the impulse though, because she rightly felt that she was being scrutinized about the matter. Had she been completely honest with herself she would have found that she also did not want to discourage them from having a day alone together. In the hours since they had parted the night before, her thoughts had been crammed full of dreams and all sorts of wonderful fantasies about the two of them, but none were nearly as good as the reality was turning out to be. She had been selfish despite his healing body and she was completely aware of her motives, but she also knew that as a trained warrior, he knew his limits. Now she waited while her mind teemed with the all the things that had happened between them in these woods, not to mention Aria's intrusion. She very much wanted to hear what Dagonet had to say to her, her heart clenching as she remembered what he had called her. My love. Straightening, she returned to her pack with her eyes deliberately set on it, to retrieve her boline for harvesting. Unwrapping it, the white handled knife settled perfectly into her hand, the crescent blade reflected the surrounding green. She also retrieved a bundle of dry rags, and walked the short steps to the mint, growing in fragrant mass. She settled her behind gingerly on the spongy moss, and spread one of the dry rags next to her, the wet cloth laid aside. Silently she began to cut away the mint in careful slices, and laid it on the material.
Dagonet watched her, her head bent at her work, her eyes avoiding him so that she could hide her thoughts. He suddenly wished that her hair were not restrained. He adored her curls, and wanted nothing more than to tangle his hands in them. His very scarred hands. He turned them palm up in contemplation. They were so rough that it suddenly seemed wrong to touch her pale, soft skin with them. ' How must they feel to her?' He looked up to find her turning her head toward him.
"Did you not say that you had something you wished to say to me?"
Rhiannon was smiling as she asked but the sense of impatience was all around her. He did not blame her, and clearly remembered what it felt like to wait when her voice had paused, as she opened herself to him, telling him such sweet, wonderful things. Unimaginable things. The moments of quiet had been hard to bear.
Stepping forward, he settled on the ground beside her. He pointed to the moist rags on the other side of her, and she handed him one wordlessly. Settling it, he began to extract another patch of mint by the roots, preparing them for careful bundles. When he did speak his tone was an exacting one.
"Tell me if there is anything more that you wish to know about Aria. The time for misunderstandings between us is done. As my wife, I will expect you to come to me when you find that something is amiss. I refuse to tolerate your pouting. Do you understand?"
Rhiannon sat back and just looked at him for a moment considering. "I understand.", She answered finally, with a slight nod of her head. She had noted the stern tone he had taken with her, and though she knew he fully meant every word that he had just spoken to her, his dark eyes had sparkled in good humor at the last.
"Good. Now, as I asked before - Is there anything more that you would know about Aria?"
"Do you have any idea what might have caused her to behave in such a way?"
Dagonet took some time to think it over, Rhiannon's eyes on him, her hands having temporarily abandoned their work. "I have done nothing to cause her to believe that I am committed to her in any way."
Short and to the point, Rhiannon thought to herself with a slight smile. "How often did you seek her out?"
"I did buy her services more than any other whore, but it was not regularly. I was not buying any of them for companionship."
Rhiannon admired that he would be so candid about the matter, when really, even had Aria been his confirmed mistress, he owed her no explanation. That was a man's right, and she knew it. His eyes had a touch of steel in them now , but she did not know if it was due to her questions, or that audacious prostitute laying claim to him. Still, her husband to be was not being cold, despite the hardness of his eyes. His mouth remained soft, and she had a longing to kiss his lips... to be once more flooded with the taste and the smell of him. The thought alone brought a wave of pleasure to her, but she held still. They had both come into the woods today with a purpose, herbs and coupling not truly among them. This was all about learning.
"Perhaps that is all it is then." She replied, but Dagonet heard something that she was not saying in the way her sentence dropped.
"Whatever you have on your mind, say it." He ordered firmly.
"After we are wed... will you..."
"No." He answered, correctly reading her thoughts. "I do not seek out any other woman now and I will not then. I seem to be busy enough with you.", Dagonet told her with wry humor. Rhiannon had smiled blandly, and he realized that she was worried. "I will never search out any woman but you, as long as you do not forsake being my wife all together. Some women do not enjoy what goes on between a man and a woman, and they give it up completely. That is hardly fair to the man. Wouldn't you agree?"
Rhiannon nodded, though the continued candor was taking a turn that she feared would soon embarrass her. Taking a moment to think of a careful reply, she turned completely sober, and forward. If he was soon to be her husband, he was right that there should be no barriers between them made of words spoken or otherwise.
" I do not think that I will dislike what will go on between us. I do not dislike what has happened so far..." Her words dropped off, her thoughts sounding more juvenile to her ears than they had in her head.
Dagonet smiled at her then, and drew her to him with one strong arm that he had slipped behind her. " We need to talk about other aspects of our marriage, and then we will discuss this at more length... I am pleased that you take to loving so well." Rhiannon nodded her head, his husky voice having sent another jolt through her. He was all but purring at her in his low voice so close to her. Then in his abrupt way, Dagonet changed the subject.
"Weddings in the Roman sense mean nothing to me. I am Pagan, and Christian beliefs are worthless to me. While I have yet to hear anything about how this wedding will be done, I am sure that your uncle being who he is, will want a Roman wedding for you. If for no other reason, I believe he would insist on it just to seal it more in his mind as permanent. He wants this marriage between us to be a means of keeping you out of Rome for the rest of your life, but most certainly for the rest of his. The terms were that I would marry you, he receives your land, and you are not killed in the getting of this land." Rhiannon's eyes grew large and round with alarm, yet she remained silent for him to continue.
"He intended to cast you into the sea when he departed with you, but he saw an opportunity to get this piece of land without your blood on his hands. He took it, and that tells me that he has mercy despite seeming ruthless. He found a way to spare you. He told me that you had denied him the property that he is after, and that it means much to you. I am sorry that you will lose it, but in the end it was the difference between living and dying for something that he would have gotten no matter what your decision would have been. I told him that I would wed you, and I still believe that being my wife has to be better than being dead." He was going to go on, but the expression on her face was making him curious. Her eyes had narrowed and she had leaned forward minutely with a cock of her head when he had mentioned the importance of her prior home to her. She had looked confused, not to mention suspicious, and he wanted to hear why.
"My uncle has never asked me for that property. It is in an isolated place, a place where those who are exiled are often sent. It has no worth to him whatsoever. The house that stands there, despite my pitiful attempts, is in disrepair. It had been abandoned for many years. I lived out my own personal exile there." Rhiannon's words and face were thoughtful as she explained these things.
"Why would the senator lie about these things?"
"I cannot say. Before now, I have never known him to be at all interested in the little estate, except in the time that he wanted me to move into it after the deaths of my parents."
Dagonet stopped to consider this a moment. It wasn't making sense, and he began to realize that the Roman senator was hiding something from at least one of them, if not both. It didn't seem overly important but, perhaps that was worth taking to the reclusive Volumnius's door. He felt Rhiannon's eyes on him, and he met them once more admiring the golden beauty of them. She was waiting for him to go on.
"It really doesn't matter. The marriage has been arranged as you know, and will take place as soon as my recovery is complete. I do not believe that leaves us much time to become acquainted, and that is partly why I chose to be alone with you today, in a place that I believed we would be uninterrupted." He scowled as he thought for a second of Aria, and noted that Rhiannon smiled a slight, thin smile. Her eyes had turned cold at the mention of the intrusion, and he could see her anger was growing. In fact, she was terribly angry, but had been truthful when she had said she was not angered with him. The look faded from her as quickly as it had begun, and Dagonet was relieved when it was gone. That look didn't suit her. It was vicious. He knew that he had just seen the fighting side of her, her pride, and the side that would have killed them had the Saxons entered into his chamber. She might not have been a warrior, but that didn't mean that she wasn't a fighter.
"I wanted to have time to speak with you, to talk over the many things that have happened, so that you might understand. I should have come to you before last night. I should never have allowed the silence to go on for so long between us." Dagonet took one of her hands into both of his and caressed it, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over the back of her hand. His other hand stroked down the sides of her ribs as he still held her."I did not agree to wed you just to save you, though that would have been motivation enough for what you have given to me. I want you. Since my eyes first fell upon you I have been drawn by you... Since I awoke and found that you had devoted yourself to me, I have wanted you always in my sight. I cannot look at you enough, hear your voice enough, or touch you enough. I feel certain that if we became lovers, I would have you with child before we could be wed, no matter how soon that might be." Dagonet's blunt words caused Rhiannon to gasp and straighten her body rigidly. He smiled down into her shocked face. Releasing her hand, he tightened his arm that lay around her, and touched her chin gently. "Does that surprise you that I would keep you so much in my bed?" Rhiannon's body relaxed as an intriguing smile curved her lips. Perhaps she should have been scandalized but she was not, nor did she have any desire to pretend to be. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. She had been very close to becoming his lover only a short walk from where they sat, and she had invited him to her only the night before. A pleasurable, sensuous weight settled into her belly.
" I should have gone slower with you. Last night when I came to you, I was angry. I had missed you, and wanted to see you, but I had suffered from your indifference. I wanted you to feel what I had felt all week. There had been no peace from you, and even my dreams were filled with you. You seemed to want nothing to do with me, and all I could think was that you did not wish to wed me. I did not fault you for that, only your silence." Dagonet saw the regret in her expression, and knowingly, though reluctantly admitted to himself finally that he loved her. Her arms slid around him, and she held him in a tight embrace. He returned the gesture, and felt gratitude to the Gods that Rhiannon was his. He still had trouble absorbing that new fact of his life. He let the sensation of loving someone sweep over him as he held to her, life and a new way of living it washing over him in wave after wave. Rhiannon had not been able to resist having him so close to her and was pressing tender kisses against his neck. She heard the gentle groan in his throat, and raised her face once more to look at him, her countenance once of satisfaction and contentment. His next words were soft and spoken in good humor. "I should not have let things get so carried away as they did, and I vowed to take it easier with you. The next thing I knew, I was trying to make love to you in the grass." Dagonet smiled as he hugged her to him with joy, his tone growing purposeful once more as something he needed to say nagged at him. " I want to go far more slowly, and teach you things...let you learn for yourself what is meant to happen between us...you are so innocent."
Rhiannon really did not care for his choice of words, because she had grown tired of being so entirely innocent. It was a word that suited her in many ways though not all, but it was something she did not wish to be. There had been urges in her before that she had vaguely realized, but she had never in her life lusted after anyone. Now it was all-consuming, unshakeable, and it made her feel weary. She wondered if her body would quiet after they had made love, and she had convinced herself that it would. The thought of it had absorbed her, and seemed like the most natural thing in the world for her to do. If anyone had told her before that she would want nothing more one day than to roll naked in a forest clearing, coupling with a man she had only known for three days... well, she honestly didn't know if she would have laughed or been offended. Now she laughed inwardly at it, even scoffing at herself. She decided that she would have laughed then too. It was too delicious of an idea. Quiet settled over them as they sat holding each other.
" Why have you not been wed before? Pairing is sacred to Pagans. My mother taught me that. Why have you no wife, or at least a companion?" Rhiannon's voice was gentle as she turned her large eyes upward to his.
"There has been no woman that suited me." Dagonet answered simply, though he knew the other half of the truth to be that he had also never been sought out by a woman who cared for him. He was admiring Rhiannon's small, pink lips and found himself leaning into them for a taste before he really knew that he had done it. It was a slow, gentle kiss with underlying tension that he sought to keep in check. That was what made him pull back, though her mouth entreated him in her guileless way. "You forget that your Pagan beliefs are different from mine. As far as my beliefs and those of my people , though we do celebrate joining or wedding, if I had taken you in the forest clearing with the intentions of uniting us, as far as I and my Gods are concerned, that would make you mine."
"My teachings of Paganism are not so different in that way then. You will find that my beliefs are a combination of both Christianity and Paganism, unlikely as that may sound."
Dagonet smiled at the unexpected pairing in Rhiannon's faith. "How did you manage to be raised as a Roman and believe in Pagan Gods?"
" You might also recall hearing that I was exiled at one point? My Uncle wanted me out of Rome so an important family could live in the house I had lived in with my parents. He mentioned that they might resort to murder to get it, and if that was the case, I decided that it was definitely worth more to them than it was to me. I only discovered later when I wasn't permitted entrance into the city, that I had been exiled, and my religion was very much a part of the reason. Murrelus brought my name before the senate as an eccentric, and they agreed that while I was harmless, their city was no place for me. It was good for me in many ways though. I enjoyed the solitude, and it was necessary that I learned how to hunt. I can hunt fairly well now. My nearest neighbor was an old woman who had been exiled years before, and lived alone. She was thought to be a strega, and had been banished rather than killed, because she too had powerful relatives in the senate. She taught me to garden, showed me herbs, and how to use them. We spent a great deal of time together, and she taught me much about how to heal. It is because of her that you are alive now."
"Strega... witch." Dagonet muttered darkly.
"We are not going to get much done today are we?" Rhiannon really didn't look sorry about it, as she gave him a sweet smile, ignoring the obvious suspicion he held for her old friend.
"I think that we have accomplished much already," Dagonet answered, ", though there is still far more. Do you understand what it means that I am a Knight?"
Rhiannon's smile left her as her mind took the serious turn of their conversation. "I do."
Dagonet nodded, and knew by the joyless expression Rhiannon wore, that she did indeed understand. Still, it was necessary to go on just a little farther. He had to make her understand the duality of his nature completely. "I have killed many people, just as I have healed many with these same hands." As he spoke, he released her to hold his hands in display before her, palms up. "I have killed far more than I will ever heal. You cannot imagine the things I have done to others with these hands."
Rhiannon noted the lack of regret in his voice, and his face. This was simply a fact for him, who he was, and what he had done. What he would certainly do again if faced with a battle. For some time she had mulled over the same facts that he now presented her with, and while the amounts of life he had taken so deftly made her mind reel, she had already accepted all that he now spoke of. He was a Knight, a warrior, and killing was what he had been trained to do. It did not make her love him less. Her heart quickened almost painfully on her last thought, her eyes tell-tale as she averted them. " I know who you are, what you do, and what you have done. They are not crimes in my eyes. I accept you for who you are, and I..."
She couldn't say it, she just couldn't. The last two words were so simple, and yet they choked her. Her insecurities had taken root deeply. Instead she raised her face to his and kissed him with quiet passion and cherishing. It was singular, and simple in its feeling. He put his arms around her once more in a tight embrace that left her breathless. Rhiannon broke the kiss to look into Dagonet's face. He had become very still, and she found him watching her intently, thoughtfully, and searchingly.
"What is it?" Rhiannon asked as she held him.
"Is this really what you want?" Dagonet was suddenly resigned.
"You ask me this after all that I have confessed to you, after what nearly took place both last night and this morning?" The disbelief was clear in her words.
Dagonet shook his head slightly, as he dropped his arms from her. " I ask because I am what I am, and nothing will ever change that. I ask also because I am not a young man, and there are others who could give you so much more than I can. Whether Volumnius has left us with a choice or not is hardly the point. I have to know why youwant me."
" I thought that I had made that clear." Rhiannon answered simply. "Why is it so hard to imagine that I would be so drawn to you?"
" I have been alone throughout most of my life... even surrounded by people... there are so few who understand me. Women are never drawn to me as they are to other men."
" Oh, I hardly think that you can lay claim to that after this morning." Rhiannon answered in half jest making a clear reference not only to herself, but the encounter with Aria as well.Only the tiniest of smiles touched Dagonet's lips and then was gone. Rhiannon took a deep breath and began again in a tone of submission. " Dag, I have told you the things that are in my heart. I am drawn to you in a way that is inexplicable to me, and in a way that I have never been drawn to any other. I have a need for you and a wanting that is constant even when I am with you." A sigh escaped her. " I have told you that I want to be your wife, I want to..." She wanted to tell him that she would love him, that she would give her life over to him if that was necessary. It didn't seem such a terrible thing to belong to a man like Dagonet, and that was all she wanted for both of them. Love and devotion. "I don't know what more I can say to you. You have yet to tell me why it is that you want me. Why you truly want me."
He knew what he wanted to say, and even needed to say, yet he could not. His heart had quickened over her words. She was a living, breathing dream to him. Endless possibilities of happiness. 'She could break me.' He thought, and far more easily than he wanted to admit. What kind of a man was he, he wondered, that after all she had offered him, all that she had suffered, he could not offer her his heart in words. He stared off to some unseen spot just across the wide brook, as the silence between them grew. Rhiannon's shoulders slumped, as she pressed her lips together in a gesture of melancholy acceptance, unseen except by the birds that watched, and the Earth that intently listened, and knew her heart. 'What did I expect? Confessions of great love?'
She mocked herself, and pushing herself low on her feet, began to gather the pitiful harvest of mint. Gathering herbs was usually a soulful kind of an experience for her, and she felt a great connection to green and growing things, but her mood was overcast as she turned over all of Dagonet's words in her mind. She began to feel the need to be alone so that she might think and process all that had happened. Things always moved by such large increments between them, and today was not an exception. She was not sad, or angry, but just feeling...tired. There had been so many good things that had been said and expressed, but a very large silence was alive and well between them. 'Does he not believe me?'
Dagonet turned to see her easily, and loosely wrapping mint, and then wiping her blade clean. He watched her gather all the rags, and dry or wet, she stuffed them in her pack carelessly. She was careful however about placing the mint on the top. He waited, wondering if she was leaving without him. Her face was expressionless, though her eyes looked weary to him. Finally she stood, and looked at him. " I think we have done all we can for today. Let's return." Watching her just a minute more, he hefted his big frame off the bank, and despite the hunger that gnawed for food, and Rhiannon's heart as well as her full body, he simply gathered his pack in one swift motion. She was right, and once more, she had given him an easy way out of an awkward, and difficult situation. He also knew that she had done so on purpose and it was as much for herself as for him. They stood there, faced off and waited, and when nothing filled that waiting, she turned and took the first steps, though they were not fast ones. Rhiannon was in no hurry because there was nothing to hurry to. She was also allowing Dagonet time to catch up and he did in only a few more steps. They crossed the clearing wordlessly, but at the opposite side as they reentered the woods, Dagonet once more took her hand in his, and she was grateful. Even if he did not love her, she decided, he did care. Silently they continued just as they had come, though Rhiannon could see that Dagonet was tiring. His feet were becoming just the tiniest bit unsure, and finally, she insisted that she was so worn that she needed to rest. They were not far from the fortress, but Dagonet's face was still faintly washed out. The day had taken it's toll, but she could see by the knowing look on his face, that he understood why she had wanted to rest. She only smiled, and stared with feigned interest at the twigs, and leaves beneath her boots. "When will you be well enough for the wedding?" Rhiannon asked, still not looking up, and trying to sound nonchalant without success.
"You are the healer in whose care I have been left. I await your decision about what I am well enough for, especially weddings." Dagonet's eyes sparkled, as his tone teased. Without warning, he grew immediately serious as a thought occurred to him. "Rhiannon, you said that your beliefs are a mixture of Pagan and Christian... what then are your beliefs about weddings?"
Rhiannon looked up quickly and smiled. How she loved to hear him say her name! It never failed to sound lovely when it passed his lips. She considered his question for a moment, his eyes on her all the while as he relaxed against a tree. 'Must he always be so distracting?' She wondered helplessly.
"I believe that no matter whether there is a Christian ceremony or a forest opening in which a marriage is consecrated, there can be no true marriage without love." She answered truly and with what she hoped was a face that betrayed nothing. She sounded like an idealistic child, but she held fast to the faith that true love could exist. It had for her parents and she had grown up seeing that love between them until they died. It was a dream she coveted for herself.
Dagonet considered her words carefully. She was assuredly a romantic little thing. There weren't many who entertained such illusions about joining of two together. How could it be that she watched people so carefully, and had not noticed that most people did not live up to the standards she seemed to insist upon? A sudden thought came to him that maybe Rhiannon was not as sheltered as he had supposed, but rather was an idealist, and that many of her ideals where carefully guarded moral posts for herself. She was far too intelligent to be blind to the way of life so many others around her lived. He himself shared the idea of loving someone he had married. He smiled at his mistake that she was childish. Her mind was too cunning and sharp for silliness or outright blindness else she would never have survived in Britain this long. It was an epiphany that startled him a little. As his thoughts continued on, a question that surfaced startled him even more. Something she had said about marriage...
" Would this be a true marriage between us then?" Dagonet asked the question against his better judgement. His chest had tightened painfully and he felt somewhat sick to his stomach, yet he never moved. He simply waited.
Rhiannon tensed, and her breath quickened at his question. She was thinking quickly to come up with a reply and somehow managed to look calm though her heart felt like it might come right through her. She considered that Dagonet seemed to have that effect on her whether it was excitement, or currently, excited fear. He was waiting and she could see apprehension in his eyes but only vaguely. Apart from that he looked nonchalant and constantly distracting braced against the giant tree he rested on. She did the best thing she could and resorted to putting the burden for answer on the man before her. She acknowledged mentally the coward that she was fast finding herself to be. " I have been wondering about the state of our marriage as well."
It was a sentence, yet Dagonet clearly caught the question in her bold stare. Her eyes wondered what he might say, and while she seemed calm enough, her breath was shallow. It made him think of times he had seen her breath come in that sweet, short way. He wished he had not thought of that. He looked away from her finally and found himself resorting to one of her tactics. He stared at the leaves, twigs, and the toes of his boots. What could he possibly say in answer? He wasn't ready to tell her that he loved her, and it occurred to him that he also was not sure that he was prepared to hear her say that she loved him, yet he needed to know. It was eating him up. Things were moving quickly, and he marveled that despite his best efforts he couldn't make it slow down even the tiniest bit. Dagonet did the only thing that he could think to do until he could clear his head for a final answer.
"I cannot answer you right now. Can you wait for an answer to your question?"
"I can." Rhiannon answered gravely, her eyebrows drawn slightly closer together, lips pressed slightly tighter than usual. It wasn't the worst thing that she had been bracing for. Given his length of silence she had been prepared for a denial of his love for her. It never dawned on her that she herself had evaded the question , but in a less honest way. Dagonet had not forgotten however.
" What is your answer to what you ask? Will you love me as truly as the love you are asking me for?"
'Damn.' She thought mentally stamping a foot. She couldn't help the smile that broke through. It was an annoying nervous habit, as was laughing fits on occasion. She crushed the smile as quickly as she could under his scrutiny. He had raised his eyebrows wondering what could possibly be humorous to her in the current situation they found themselves in. She would have to explain that to him soon she decided. She might have in that moment had she but realized that the stalwart warrior, competent healer, and virile man before her was deeply insecure about women. He was in fact wondering slightly if he was being laughed at, and growing more unstable all the time with the idea of her. She took a breath, and evened out her expression. "When you give me your answer, I will give you mine."
Dagonet nodded at her, and decided something then and there. He would know her true feelings and soon. He couldn't go on wondering, and worrying. She cared and she had certainly admitted to that, but now he had a driving need to hear her say whether she loved him or not, and he intended to get it out of her one way or another. He might have admitted to himself that he knew she loved him. He had seen it in her eyes, as well as so many of her actions. He had felt in the way that she had touched him. She was a little clumsy at loving but not terribly because she had an instinct and enthusiasm that was startling to him. He knew that he had been the first man to even kiss her as deeply as he had. She had been hesitant and tentative, uncoordinated even when he first deepened a kiss between them. She really did learn quickly he had to admit. In the end, he would not risk being wed to a woman who might become disillusioned with him, or one who might even cuckold him. He hated himself for his last thought of her. Still, women did it all the time. He would have to marry her and that was a fact, and not at all a bad one on the surface. His heart was vulnerable, and he felt that too much depended on her. He hardly knew her, and she had never come right out and told him the depths of her feelings. Again his thoughts reminded him that she could shatter him with hardly any effort. It was the possibility of betrayal that hooked into him, and made him use the inevitability of marriage as a pressure point. He made his final decision.
"We will be wed tomorrow if there are no objections from you. I believe that we have waited long enough, and I am sure that the Romans will be relieved to go home."
I know it's been awhile but please R&R. I am trying to reply to all of the e-mail's but if I miss someone's please don't think I did it on purpose. It is an accident I promise. I thank everyone who has read this, and to those who will review, and those who have reviewed other chapters. It means a lot to get your feedback on this, and I hope that this chapter doesn't disappoint. Stress will do crazy things to even predictable characters, but I am trying to make them human, and keep them that way. Thanks again everyone. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the support with this. Carrie