Abel nodded his head, the harsh guitar chords of Dragonforce rocking his brain. Wearing a silk-grey suit with a banana bow-tie, his ears vibrated while he drummed his thumbs on the cash register. The mid-afternoon lull of customers made him bored, and the manager had forced him to count the dozens of wads of cash in the register. He was only moving the bills in his hands, focused more on the music playing in his headphones than any math.
It was another boring day at the Andretti Jewelry Store. A few ritzy Hollywood producers scanned the rows of glimmering diamonds and golden bands that lined the glass cases that ran around the perimeter of the small store. Other than that, it was just Austin who was scanning for a present. He had been lazy, and he had forgotten about Mothers' Day. So, he decided to scrounge up what little money he had and buy his mom in Kansas a special topaz band.
"Excuse me," Austin said to Abel.
Austin stood in front of Abel who was too preoccupied with the money in the rusty register. Abel hummed to himself. Slips of thin bills slid through his fingers, counting the money that was in the register.
"Hey, buddy. Can I have some help?"
Abel still ignored him.
With a sigh, Austin walked over to the other display case. He placed himself in front of the female worker in the store. Moxie adjusted the plastic roses in an azure vase that gleamed on top of another display of emeralds and sparkling topaz diamonds.
"Miss," Austin asked. "Do you have a ten karat diamond?"
Moxie kept adjusting the flowers.
"Hello?"
"Oh, sorry," Moxie smiled up at the tall bespectacled man. "I'm just the florist here."
"But those aren't even real flowers."
"They get the job done. They even spray a sunflower scent." Moxie pressed a button on the stalk of one of the flowers. From the central bud, a flume of vapor spat out and rose up to Austin's nose. A stale scent more akin to a skunk's musk stabbed his nostrils.
Austin grimaced and swatted the vapors away. Nobody in this jewelry store was helping him. All he wanted to do was get his mother a necklace for Mothers' Day. Yet, the only two workers were a metalhead that paid no attention and a fake florist.
"Everybody on the ground!"
Glass shattered as the two double doors crashed onto the wall from a violent swing. As the broken specks of glass rained onto the velvet carpet, Austin pulled up his sleeves to reveal his neurotoxin spikes at the ready.
Two men burst into the entrance of the jewelry store. One of them was an extremely handsome (not that Austin noticed, but he was an objective person) man with rage smoldering from his face. His black hair already tinged with beads of sweat, his clench fists emanated with a deep periwinkle cloud that hummed around them like angry neon. He donned a nondescript black tee shirt with comfortable cotton sweat pants. Based off the wrinkled ridges on the clothes, this guy cared little about his appearance.
The other guy next to him was the opposite with his deep scarlet hair and yellow eyes flickering around the room like a frantic mosquito. He held out his hands, but it appeared there was nothing in them. His face quite serious, he wore a white undershirt with a popped collar and a dark grey suit jacket and cocoa penny-loafers.
"Nobody move a muscle," The angry boy shouted. He strolled forward along with the man at his side.
The other patrons of the place lowered themselves to their knees with their hands up. Moxie rushed from her spot to the back room. Austin went down to his knees, but he shuffled himself behind the cocobolo island table that sat in the dead center of the jewelry store showroom.
"If you move, you die!" The man shouted. As if to prove himself, he waved his hand to the side of his body. A large rope that frizzled with purple light solidified into a light saber. He stepped to the side like a professional fencer and stabbed into the vase Moxie stood behind. The ceramic exploded and fractured in a bright flash. The flowers erupted into a brilliant cacophony of flame before dying out into an ash mound on the glass.
"It would be unwise of any of you to alert the Pro-Heroes," The well-dressed man stated with his palms still extended. "We have the technology and resources to track your faces and find out if you attempt to contact the authorities. Furthermore, you are losing none of your possessions. Simply the ones in this store. If you let us deplete your supplies, then there will b-."
"Jesus Christ! Shut up, Red-hair!"
"How dare you use the Lord's name in vain," Lloyd shouted at James.
"You're already ruining our plan!"
"You're the one that said no masks," Lloyd gestured at the room in front of them. "Now everybody sees our faces."
"Won't matter," James cocked a sure grin. "We'll be long gong by the time these losers say anything."
James responded by smacking his neon sword into the glass case. Some of the people screamed as the glass spun off the impact and crashed into the cabinets.
"If any of you citizens begin any sort of uprising, we will be forced to use disarming force that may or may not result in your death," Lloyd said to everybody. "I assure you that death will not be painful If I am involved, for it will most likely be an accident! Most likely."
"Can you be useful and start stealing?" James shouted as he took out a small black pouch from his pocket.
Lloyd nodded and took out his own sack. Heading to the other side of the store, Lloyd placed the sack between his teeth and rushed for the island table Austin hid behind. He slammed his hands down onto the table, and his face furrowed into one of deep concentration as his frame gave off small tremors.
Austin gasped out as the table dissolved into nothing but an obsidian cloud of dust. Lloyd ran to one of the counters and filtered the dust into a thick ball. He flung it into the case, and then he took it out. Like a frog leaping from lily pads, he bounced the dust trail onto each glass case and bounced them into the cases all the way to the end of the row. Once he did so, he pushed the dust towards the doorway. The dust blocked the exit and most of the light outside. The store was cornered off from the outside world.
Lloyd moved right in front of it as James continued to empty out the jewelry.
Abel was still oblivious to what was happening. He continued to count the money in the register with his music playing.
James reached the spot of the counter with Abel in front and peered up at him. The boy nodded to the music playing.
"Hey, jackass," James said. "get on the ground."
Abel ignored him.
"I can only hold it for a few more seconds," Lloyd said as he gritted his teeth on the black sack. His hands started to tremble.
At this, Austin made his move.
He sprung up to his feet and charged at Lloyd like a drunk bull. Covering the space between them like a cobra lashing at a mouse, Austin dived for Lloyd's middle and bent his wrists to point his spikes right at him.
In mid air, Austin reached out. A foot away.
Inches.
Then, black.
Lloyd whipped around and shot the layer of dust covering the doorway right at Austin. The cloud enveloped his head; the force of the impact making him stop in his tracks and plummet onto the carpet. For Austin, his airways were invaded by thick dust. Oxygen escaped his throat, and his lungs starved of any air. For just a few seconds, Austin was suffocated.
"Hey, Jackass," James shouted at Abel.
James smacked the headphones off Abel's ears. They clattered onto the glass panel next to the register.
"Whoah, dude," Abel said. "That wasn't nice and all."
"Gimme all the money," James said.
Lloyd released Austin from the cloud. The taller man clasped his throat and lapped up sweet air after escaping his prison. He was out of commission for the time being as his lungs recuperated.
"We have to go," Lloyd hopped next to James who was shouting at Abel. He grabbed James by the shoulder and shook them. "The authorities will arrive any second."
"This score is too big to pass up," James said. Abel was still giving him an odd look.
"Stop being so greedy," Lloyd said. "We need to go!"
"I wouldn't be a jewel thief if I weren't greedy," James growled. He slammed his hand on the glass counter. Cracks spidered across the surface. "Money. Now."
Abel shrugged. "You didn't say the magic word."
"Now!"
"Look, man," Abel waved a finger like a chastising teacher. "I get paid ten dollars an hour to be here. My boss told me if we got held up again, he'd have to let some of us go."
"How would you like to let your life go?" James asked as he grabbed Abel by the collar. His hot breath fogged up Abel's round-rimmed sunglasses.
"Not so fast, baddies!"
Lloyd and James turned around. A wiry Asian girl with a samurai sword stood in the doorframe of the store. Her long shadow clashed with her shorter frame as a pure white cape floated behind her like a matador's curtain.
"Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis," Robyn shook her head like a disappointed mom. "Only you would be so bold to rob my neighborhood again."
"Hey, Birdie," James said with a maniacal grin on his face. "Was waiting for you to show up." He pushed Abel back by his shirt collar and trudged back towards the center of the room.
"Don't 'Birdie' me," Robyn said as she sauntered like a model on a runway to face James. "You interrupted breakfast with my mom."
"Aww," James mocked as a thin, long blade of neon grew out of his hands. "And you still came. Either you've finally fallen for me or you still believe in heroism. You make me want to vomit."
"Still upset you couldn't become number one?" Robyn grinned with a tic of her tongue. "Just shows how small you are. And you are very small. In more ways than one."
Before he could retort, Lloyd cleared his throat, magnetizing attention to himself.
"Dearest Robyn," Lloyd announced to the entire room. "I appreciate your quick response time, but surely, you could just let us be on our way? This is our last hit, and we will do no more damage."
"Speak for yourself, you Canadian mongoose," James said. The blade of neon sparked with excitement as he felt his heart beat faster. "I plan on robbing every joint in this town. And I plan on defeating you every step of the way."
"And I'll stop you every step you take," Robyn said. She flashed the steel at James.
Unless," James dropped down the neon and it fainted to a dim pallor. "You want to join me? I bet we'd make a badass team. Forget about those loser heroes! They just brainwash you into doing good and throw you in the recycle been when your old and ugly. All they give you that villainy doesn't is a retirement."
"I heard your 401k retirement plans don't even match over three percent!" Lloyd chortled. "Your retirement will be nothing but a small pension that you can't invest in any mutual market fund!"
"Man, you guys talk a lot," Abel said.
Austin, despite still recovering from nearly being strangled, nodded in agreement.
"I would never join you," Robyn said. "After all, I would lose my health insurance!"
Lloyd furrowed his brow and considered her words. "I heard those plans were pretty good. They include dental!"
"I will rip your ballsack off, turkey," James muttered in anger.
Robyn flicked the bang of hair that dropped down over her left eye. "Well, I hope you enjoyed your run. Because it ends now."
"And what makes you think that, Birdie," James took one more step. They were almost nose-to-nose with each other. Robyn's blade remained limp at her side. "Think you'll actually win this time? After all the times we've seen each other, you know it takes a lot to overpower me."
"Of course I do, JJ," Robyn said, her eyelids battering slightly as she tapped the center of James's chest. "That's why I slashed the tires on your getaway van outside."
James's grin dropped faster than a dog taking a massive shit after eating lasagna. "Huh?"
Outside, Martel stood next to the white getaway van and threw a myriad of things out of his void space. An alarm clock. A dozen red roses. A yo-yo.
Everything but that damn tire inflator.
Lloyd scratched his head. The rest of the patrons in the store rose up to their feet, concern and confusion plastered on their faces. Abel locked eyes with Austin. They both just shrugged at each other.
"I can't believe we didn't think about that," Lloyd said.
"So," Robyn said as she lifted up her sword. "You can come quietly. Or loudly."
"Loud is my middle name, Birdie," James spat out. He raised up his sword made of neon energy.
They narrowed their eyes. In fact, both of them smirked at each other. This was a fun game they had been playing, but it was about to come to an end. Robyn dug her feet in. James licked his lips, the bloodthirsty sparkle in his eyes illuminating their respective hues.
Just then, the door opened.
"Hi."
A random man with an undefined accent trudged into the room like a drunk Yeti. Abel gasped and waved. "Hi, can I help you?"
The towering man with shaggy black hair took off his sunglasses. Ignoring the battle about to commence, he stepped up to the counter by Abel. "Yeah, could I have a dozen red roses please?"
Abel nodded and reached down for a dozen roses that happened to be right by his feet. "Oh, hi Tommy. I didn't know it was you. Here you go."
"That's me. How much is it."
"That'll be eighteen dollars."
"Here you go. Keep the change," he said. He turned around and saw Lloyd who was still confused by everything. "Hi doggie," Tommy said. He patted Lloyd on the head.
"You're my favorite customer," Abel shouted.
"Enough!" James roared. He turned and looked over at Tommy Wiseau. "Who do you think you are coming into the middle of a robbery like this?"
"Oh, hi James," Tommy said.
"How do you know my name? You know what? Forget it! Prepare to die!"
James screamed at Tommy and morphed his neon sword into a ball of energy that cackled with a dangerous pop. Once melded into his hands, he cast out the beam and shot it right at Tommy. The purple ray crackled over the room towards the imposing man, and his mouth widened in shock.
Suddenly, a giant football popped out of his mouth. Once he regurgitated it, the football fell into his hands. He reared back and flung the football into the beam. Once it connected with the neon ray, the collision caused a massive spark of light that blinded the entire room. The eruption caused the entire room to spin like a tornado crashed through it. All the glass and jewelry flew in the air, and the walls shook with the veracity of a ship sinking during a typhoon.
Just like that, the eruption ended.
Everybody was collapsed onto the ground. Except Tommy. He stood proud of himself.
Then, from the side room, Moxie bursted into the main lobby. A sawed-off shotgun in her hands.
"Nobody move. Or I shoot! I am protecting my domicile, and none of you will get in my way!"
"Domicile?" Lloyd scampered up to full height. "This isn't your house!"
As Robyn and James helped each other up (odd because they were arch-rivals, but whatever), the front door burst open. Martel, panting like he had run a marathon, looked around at the destroyed room. People were flung into heaps on each other. The paint on the scarlet walls was peeled. Glass and flecks of dust and plywood and glitter were sprinkled around the lobby.
"The cops are here!" Martel shouted. "Every man for himself!"
Then, Martel whipped out a miniature electric scooter. He hopped onto the seat and zoomed out of the room.
As the entire group stood in silence, the distant police sirens blared outside and grew louder in volume. A painting hanging on the wall fell down to the ground.
"Dudes," Abel said with a slightly impressed grin. "You guys are the worst robbers."
James sneered and pushed past Tommy towards Lloyd. He grabbed the bag and shook it; the jewelry in the bag clattered onto each piece. "It's not over."
"Yes it is!"
Before anybody could detect where the noise came from, Katsu smashed through the front display window spreading even more glass around the vicinity.
"Your time is up, pinhead." Katsu announced like the corny Pro-Hero that he will be in the future. "I am a Pro-Hero, and you're reign of terror is through."
"What?" Robyn asked.
Katsu shrugged. "I don't know. Shoto just tells me to say that whenever I arrive on scene."
"Who you calling a pinhead?" Lloyd asked in an insulted tone. He clutched the imaginary pearls around his neck.
"I'm back with lunch," A light, friendly voice chirped.
Blake bounded into the room with the energy of a hyper gymnast. Instead of using the door, he climbed through the window like it was a normal occurrence for him. In his hand, three brown bags crinkled together with sandwiches swinging inside them.
"Excuse me, mister," Lloyd said towards Blake as he headed towards him at the back counter. "We are conducting a jewelry store heist, so if you could please vacate the premises, we would appreciate it!"
"No!" James shouted. "Nobody can leave until we're gone! And don't just announce we are stealing!"
"But you did!"
"But guys," Blake looked around the room. Despite the carnage, a waterfall of words spilled out from his mouth. "I had the craziest day today! When I went to the deli, they didn't have the broccoli bread that Megan wanted. So I went to another deli. Guess what? It was a greek deli! So, I heard there was a heist going on here, and I got a greek sandwich for everyone. From what I heard, it's like a regular sandwich except it has tons of yogurt and national debt inside it!"
Then, a flush of a toilet. From the manager's office stepped out Megan who was wearing a well-fitting suit for her job.
"What on Earth is going on here?" Megan shrieked at everybody.
"Boss," Abel announced. "I tried to tell them that robbery isn't allowed here, but they didn't listen."
"Did you seriously not hear us, lady," James shouted. "We're here to steal the jewelry."
"But you don't have my permission to steal my jewlery," Megan yelled.
"Oh," James mocked the girl. "I guess we should go if we don't have your permission! Screw you, lady. We're taking this jewelry whether you like it or not."
"Oh, my God," Robyn chimed in at the suddenly crowded room. "I was here first, guys. Can I have this capture? And my pancakes are getting cold."
"Heroes don't get pancakes," Lloyd said. "They sacrifice their pancakes for the good of society. The greater good!"
"The greater good." Everybody except James said in a monotone chant.
"Oh, one more thing," Blake said with a happy grin at everyone. "I ran into Drake earlier, and he said we were all going to be in trouble if we didn't leave quickly, so I think we should all skidaddle."
"Huh?"
That was when Drake smashed through the ceiling. He opened his mouth and fire roared out.
He fried James's head off.
The rest of the class in the jewelry store looked down at the decapitated corpse in silence. Nobody seemed shocked nor upset. Drake lowered himself to the ground next to the corpse.
"I...guess he won't need his sandwich anymore," Blake said.
"Is he dead?" Abel asked.
Austin got up just to smack Abel on the back of his head.
"Can I just surrender now?" Lloyd asked, immediately throwing his hands up in defeat.
Drake looked around, proud of his performance. Another day was saved.
"Hey, Drake," Blake asked as the others apprehended Lloyd. "What's up with your face?"
Drake frowned. Was there some dragon transformation that happened with his face? Did he cut himself?
He noticed a shard of glass down in one of the destroyed jewelry cases. He strolled over towards it, kicking aside the broken bits of wood and glass that peppered the ground. The others cheered to themselves as another villain was subdued. Megan cuffed up Lloyd, and a few police cars skidded to a halt outside.
However, Drake would care about none of that as he stopped by the glass shard and looked down into it.
Only to see that his face was no longer his face.
It was Steve Buscemi peering into the reflection!
Drake shot up from his bed in a cold sweat. He gasped out for air, the pillows that he covered himself with fell to the ground.
It was still dark outside. The quiet chirping of the crickets on the windowsill outside beeped at the same rhythm of his heartbeat. He scanned his room, but all that was there was the sparse furniture and the shadows cast from the window blinds obscuring the full moon outside.
Drake flung the wool covers off his body and shuffled himself over his carpet towards the dresser next to the standard wooden desk every room had. He pulled open a drawer, and he looked down at a small box. It was a rectangular mahogany box with a strange crescent logo on the face. He rolled a few numbers into the combination lock and heard a click.
Opening it up, Drake looked down at the box of jewelry and gems that glistened in the ray of moonlight that reflected off them at a perfect angle. Nice and safe.
Drake closed it and went back to sleep.
Omake!
Just a fun, quick thing to tide us over. May revisit this situation. May not. It's just in good fun.
Regardless, tell me if you thought it was entertaining. I'll only do this sporadically, and only if you all like it enough. Otherwise, I'll keep going with the regular story.
And keep reviewing! REVIEW!
Thanks. See you soon!