Disclaimer: OOO no I don't own it sorry peoples.

A/N: I wrote this song while listening to "Bossy" by Kelis over and over, so it might be kinda weird. THANK YOU REVIEWERS! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE! However, I dislike all non-reviewers. Meanies!

Chapter 13, God Has a Sense of Humor

Elizabeth Swann

As I jumped away from the window and to the side of the ship, I am sure my heart had stopped. So many things run through your mind when you're in a dangerous situation. But the only thing I thought of was Jack. Call me lovesick, if you will, but he forced all other thoughts from my mind.

I reached out and touched the rope with the tip of my fingers. I stretched out until my hands were tight around it; I was still falling down. Ten more feet and I'd be in the ocean. But I held to the rope. Unfortunately, grabbing it caused me to slam—painfully—into the side of the ship with a loud bump. I held on with both arms as tightly as I could…then I began to notice a strange, cold numbness in the shoulder where Feng had bitten me.

I heard the men up above me in the captain's quarters bursting in to find their leader.

"Oi! Look, men! He's naked!"

"Where'd 'is clothes go?"
"He's dead, you idiots! Look at the blood!" It was silent, and I imagined several crewmembers taking in the scene.

I looked down at the clothes I wore: Feng's clothes. Not attire that normal pirates wore, but Feng had definitely been a pirate. The worst of sorts. He made Jack, and maybe even Davy Jones, seem like angels.

"Hey…where's the girl? She was in 'ere, wasn't she?" a squeaky voice asked.

"Yes…we must find her. She killed him! Find her now! And when you do, bring the murderous little bitch to me!" a deeper voice growled. I recognized it as the first mate's voice, and knew I had to find Jack and get off the ship as quickly as possible.

I looked below me and saw a few portholes; my heart leapt at the thought that maybe Jack was in one of those rooms.

"I don't see her, sir!"

"Up anchor! And bring in the long boats, too! I don't want anyone getting off this ship!" the first mate screamed. I heard his footsteps fade, as though he was leaving the room, and then I heard them directly above my head. He'd come to the railing. All he had to do was look down…

I felt the rope I was hanging onto being pulled upward. Up anchor!

I couldn't think any longer. My left shoulder was completely numb, along with most of my left arm, and three of my fingers. The nearest porthole was within stepping distance. I slipped my foot into it, released the rope, and jumped inside.

Captain Jack Sparrow

The ringing of my ears! I slapped myself in the face, trying to stay awake and deaden the ringing. It sounded like little drunken midgets with cowbells tied to their necks were dancing about like it was a bloody holiday. I wanted a holiday.

Then the memory of Elizabeth returned to me. I sighed, wondering where she was. My arms weighed far too much to struggle with my shackles again, so I stuck to day dreaming. Barbossa was fast asleep, as were the rest of the crew. I wondered how they could sleep so long. Maybe I was dreaming. I picked up an empty bottle. No, this isn't a dream; if it were, there would be rum.

Looking out one of the two portholes in the room, I saw a clear blue sky, perfect for sailing. Still staring out the porthole, I for some reason thought of Ragetti. I glanced over to him; a small, tattered Bible was falling out of his pocket. So was his eyeball.

I looked out the porthole again, gazing at the sky. I heard some sort of commotion going on above me, but ignored it.

"Dear God," I said aloud, "if you would be so kind as to deliver Elizabeth to me, I'd be eternally grateful. Might even give up rum."

Suddenly, through the porthole, a figure flew in and came crashing to the floor. Looked like a dirty, thin boy. Then he looked up at me, and I saw that the 'he' was a 'she.' Elizabeth, to be exact.

"ELIZABETH!" I shouted, crawling drunkenly over to her, falling all over myself. At seeing me, her eyes lit up. It made me giggle. Then I remembered. I looked up and out the porthole, in the general direction I thought God would be. "Thank you, God. Of course, I can't give up rum. But you can't hold that against me, because you know me well enough to know that I don't mean half of what I say." I looked back at Elizabeth, who seemed to have a sense of urgency about her.

"Jack, we have to go now. I…sullied things up a bit. Feng is dead. The crew will kill us! Get up…get up! We have to run!" she urged, trying to pull me to my feet.

"Hold on, now…" I said, in my drunken stupor. "I'll have you know that I am Captain Jack Sparrow, and never run from the enemy. I face them head-on, with no fear. So come, Lizzie, and give your fearless captain a kissy--"

I leaned forward as I said this, but her palm came swiftly and roughly against my cheek. My head spun, but the stinging pain did clear my thoughts somewhat. I could focus. But then, in my newfound half-soberness, I realized Elizabeth was bleeding. And she was wearing Feng's clothes.

"Like to fill me in on what my little pirate did while I was…detained?" I asked, eyeing the wound on her left shoulder.

Elizabeth reached up and covered the wound in her arm with her hand. She seemed to be having trouble breathing.

"No, no, Lizbeth, let me see…" I demanded. I tugged her hand away and, using my sleeve, wiped away the blood. I cleaned it up enough to see what it was. "Elizabeth! Something bit you!"

"Feng bit me, Jack. He's some kind of…of…"

Suddenly, her face went blank. Her eyes darted from one object to another, as though she couldn't recognize anything. Then she looked at me, her lips slightly open. Then, with no warning, Elizabeth collapsed to the floor.

I looked up at God, still slightly drunk, thinking she was faking it.

"Oh, I suppose you think this is funny, do you?" I yelled angrily at him. He didn't answer me. I pouted.

"J…Jack?" I heard a humming sort of voice say. I turned around and saw William Turner sitting up, holding his head. "What…what's wrong with Elizabeth?" he asked, becoming increasingly worried. He stood, wincing as he straightened his back, and hobbled over, and bent down to her the same time I did. I moaned; my own back had just started healing. I was careful not to let Will know about it. He picked up her head, and I touched her hand.

"She just collapsed. Said something about getting bitten. 'S all I know, I swear."

Then, much to my dismay, I heard footsteps above us, heading toward the stairs. Will looked up at me, eyes wide.

"Going for a swim?" I asked. Will nodded.

I turned and grabbed Ragetti, while Will hoisted Elizabeth up. I slapped Ragetti on the face until he woke up, looking rather upset with me. He reached up and felt the hole where he was missing an eye.

"Me eye…it's not in me head! You took it!" he accused.

"Oh yes, Ragetti. While you were sleeping, I stole your eye and popped mine out so I could hide yours in my head," I said sarcastically. Then, the footsteps were coming closer, so I spoke quickly. "Look, over there." I pointed out Will holding Elizabeth. "A couple of bad blokes are comin' down here and Willy there is about to throw his bonnie lass overboard. She's taking a small, tiny, short little nap, so you're going to jump out with her to make sure she doesn't drown, savvy?"

He nodded and then looked afraid of what he'd agreed to.

Carefully, Will fit Elizabeth's small body through the porthole, and slipped her through it. Ragetti struggled against me, but eventually, I forced him through the porthole, and I heard him splash into the water below.

"You get Gibbs, I'll get Pintel!"

"No need, lads!" Gibbs yelled, becoming excited. "Reportin' for duty, Cap'n!" Gibbs had woken up Pintel and Barbossa, who were both rather annoyed. But then, a man came into the room, gun in hand. He looked shocked to see us, escaping through a porthole.

"What do you think yer doin'?" he asked.

"We are currently escaping from this ship, as you can see," I said cheerfully, distracting him. "Oo. What's that?" I asked, pointing at something behind him. He turned, and I reached behind his head, grabbed his greasy ponytail with one hand, the gun with the other hand, and turned the gun so that it pointed directly under his chin. His head snapped around as he looked at me, completely surprised.

"Jack, let's go!" I heard Will call. I glanced over my shoulder and saw that Barbossa, Pintel, and Will had all escaped through the porthole. I backed away from the man, pointing the gun at him. I climbed up to the porthole, watching him as closely as I could without getting a splinter from the damned ship. I smiled at the man, relishing in my triumph.

"This will be the day that you will always remember as the day--"

Then ship lurched forward unexpectedly, and I tumbled out of the porthole and into the crashing waves. Bugger.

-:-

Will watched over Elizabeth while Barbossa and Gibbs recruited the longboat attached to the side of the ship. Everyone climbed into it, tired and wet, and Will and I took the first shift rowing.

Elizabeth was our main concern; several times she shook violently. There was cold sweat on her brow, and her skin looked dull and lifeless, no longer rosy with her youth.

I knew we had to hurry.

In two days, record time if I'd ever seen it, we reached Tia Dalma's swamplands. As we rowed past the residents of her particular swamp, they all turned their heads to look at me. I knew I was ruggedly handsome, but some of the stares made me nervous, and I nodded back to them, half-smiling.

"Do you really think she can help Elizabeth, Jack?" Will asked, holding his beloved's head in his hands. She was so cold now. She didn't even look like Elizabeth anymore.

"I don't know, mate. Ask Ragetti to pray."

"You could do it too, you know!" Ragetti said loudly, pulling at the oars; it was his and Pintel's turn to row.

"No thanks. God has a…sense of humor. And God doesn't much care for the likes of me as I'm sure you've noticed, mate." I smiled at him.

"Oh. Yeah." My smile faded.

"Eh? What's that supposed to mean?" I asked angrily.

"Nothing. I'm just sayin', is all."

For the rest of the trip, all was silent. I didn't like it. I needed rum.

Will and I carried Elizabeth up the ladder to Tia Dalma's hut. Elizabeth groaned once, and I accidentally let her left side fall; it scraped the door frame, but she didn't even seem to feel it. She'd lost all feeling in everything.

"Merciful 'eavens! What've ye done to de poor girl?" Tia Dalma asked as we brought Elizabeth inside.

"She was bitten. By Sao Feng. We need the antidote! Hurry!" Will urged, setting Elizabeth down on a rug on the floor.

"Sao Feng, you say?" she asked, becoming increasingly interested.

"Yes. Ol' Fengy. Sharp teeth, bad breath, icky sense of humor. Would've been a good politician," I offered.

"Would've been? You mean…he's dead?" she asked, reaching up to the ceiling and grabbing a jar of slimy brown stuff.

"Yep. Lizzy said so. 'Course, I've had certain experiences where she's proved herself to be less than honest--"

"Shut up, Jack."

"Okay."

She continued to frantically grab things left and right, of all shapes, sizes, textures, and colors. She threw them in a brown bowl, grabbed a spoon, and mixed it up. It smelled rather stinky.

"Blood. I need blood. Now."

"Whose blood? My blood? His blood? The monkey's blood!" I said triumphantly.

"No. Her blood," Tia Dalma said, nodding to Elizabeth. Will didn't waste time. He dropped to the floor, withdrew his pocket knife, and put it to Elizabeth's hand.

He hesitated. Definitely would never be a pirate. But then, he pressed the blade to her palm, and drew it across. Tia Dalma leaned over, as did everyone else.

No blood. She didn't bleed.

"It's worse than I thought!" Tia Dalma screeched.

"It's the work of the Devil, it is!" Ragetti screamed, backing away. Pintel rolled his eyes.

"He's not dead," Tia Dalma said gravely.

"Who's not dead?" Barbossa asked gruffly.

"Feng. You can't kill evil. And that man…is truly evil…" she said, getting a faraway look in her eyes.

"If he's not dead, then how do we kill him?" Ragetti asked fearfully.

"First, you have to get him out of 'er!" Tia Dalma said. She pointed to Elizabeth, who was shaking violently again.

"What? You mean he's inside--"

"Stop asking questions and let the woman think!" a voice said. Everyone, including myself, turned to look at the man behind me. He was tall, dark, and the handsome type. Like me. But he did have a nasty scar above his left eyebrow, and his hair was falling out.

"Oh…it's so nice to see you…again!" I said, waving my arms about, trying to look enthused. He just frowned at me, glared at me, looked at me like he'd never seen me before. But he had. Oh, he had. Finally, he spoke, looking livid.

"Nice to see you too, son."

End Chapter

Woohoo!

Well, that's probably the last time I'll update for quite a while. But I'd really really really like to have a lot of reviews before I update next. And if you add this to your alerts and DON'T review….grrr…I shall be sending you a message, you can be sure. Somehow that just irks me. Well, hope you loved it! Review!