Series: True/Troubled Beauty
Series tagline: How do you love someone who believes they don't deserve your love?
Chapter: 02. A love unspoken is a love unbroken
Fandom: Doctor Who (10th)
Chapter Summary: The (10th) Doctor should have kept his mouth shut.
Rating: PG for some mild sexual references
Word Count: 4000ish
Warning: over the series there are a lot of references to other shows, actors, movies, games etc. so there may be spoilers for them. There may be the odd spoiler for Doctor Who episodes as well but I think I'm being rather cryptic.
Disclaimer: I am a lowly fan. This is FANfiction.
A/N: The chapters in this series are fairly short but bare in mind each chapter is about the usual length of the one-off stories I write. This is a mammoth task for me
Feedback: It encourages me to continue writing consistently. I'll write anyway but feedback helps me keep a pace. So thank you for all your reviews so far and please keep them coming :-)
A love unspoken is a love unbroken
"Good news! Jack's regained consciousness." The Doctor beams but his audience barely reacts; Mickey gives a snort, Rose kind of looks betrayed and hurt, whilst Sarah-Jane gives him a small smile but you clearly can see the sympathy in her eyes.
"That's good to hear." She placates him and suddenly the Doctor feels very anxious. He feels like he's missing out on a tiny piece of information that all the others have but they're not sharing with him and that worries him just a tiny bit. It doesn't help that his companions are staying silent. Mickey's now half-asleep whilst Sarah-Jane and Rose keep giving each other guilty glances as if they're both sharing a secret joke or have made a silent bet.
The Doctor tries to stay silent for as long as he can but he hasn't spoken to any of the others for days whilst he was looking after the Captain and he needs to talk, to question, to understand. So within two minutes, he has to ask Sarah-Jane the question.
"What was he like, when he was with you?" Sarah-Jane grins at that, Mickey laughs before going back to sleep and Rose sulks even more but the Doctor's attention is fully concentrated on Sarah-Jane waiting for her answer.
"Same as he was with you, I imagine." She replies and the Doctor shakes his head.
"I don't think so. You see, he was a conman when we first met. A soldier too. Two years of his memory were gone and he thought the Time Agency had betrayed him so that was why he was conning them. But a con went wrong, put Earth in danger. But he put it right in the end. Was willing to die to put it right. Rose and I wouldn't let him. So we welcomed him onboard the TARDIS. We became a team, I didn't expect that to happen, but all too soon it was over. He helped us fight the Daleks, save mankind. And that time he really did give his life to do it." The Doctor notices the confused look on Sarah-Jane's face but he dismisses it with a hand, "It's a long story, don't ask."
"No, I'm just surprised. He never mentioned any of that to me. He never mentioned anything about his past, except for the fact he couldn't remember parts of it." Sarah-Jane tries to smile at that because that's exactly what Jack does. "But my Jack," the Doctor flinches slightly at Sarah-Jane's 'my' but she continues oblivious, "he couldn't have been a soldier, he hates hurting people. I'm sure he'd lay his life down in a second to save mankind but I've never seen Jack initiate a firefight. He tries his best to avoid it, desperately searches for an alternative and if the worst comes to the worst he does what he has to do, just to save us but his nightmares are worse after. Terrible. Horrific. My Jack is an explorer, not a soldier."
"He's also a romantic, but he was like that with us too." Rose adds. "He's not that much of a boy he pretends to be."
"Yes he is!" Sarah-Jane defends him. "I remember we went to see the universe's best computer and I couldn't drag him away for days. I was bored out of my skull whilst he was busy being a geek! I bet he fell in love with the TARDIS the last time he was here."
"Yeah, he did." The Doctor replies, stroking the TARDIS, a faraway look on his face and a smile on his lips.
"Okay, I admit that he's a geek because I saw that when he was with us," Rose accepts. "But tell the Doctor how much of a girl Jack is." She orders Sarah-Jane.
"Just because he loves chick-flicks that does not turn him into a girl!" Sarah-Jane insists and tries to defend Jack's honour.
"Please don't tell me you introduced him to 21st-Century television?" the Doctor begs because as much as he loves television, humans seem to worship it. He can only imagine the effect it would have on Jack and it isn't pretty.
"Yeah, big mistake on my part." Sarah-Jane acknowledges. "The ship had no Captain for the best part of two months. I had to go everywhere on autopilot!" Sarah-Jane tries to look peeved at that but her expression soon gives way into a beaming smile. "But he more than made it up to me in the end."
"Oh yeah?" Mickey wakes up enough to ask. "How did he do that then?"
"That was when he showed me the most beautiful planets. He always showed me the most beautiful planets but these meant more to him. Places he'd saved, places that he hid, places he loved. And then we explored, proper exploring into the unknown. He told me it was dangerous but I knew he'd protect me and we never ran into any problems. We even met a new species, about three feet tall with multi-coloured skin, but Jack befriended them immediately. It was magical. He's quite a diplomat. He even traded with them so he could get more materials for his ship." Sarah-Jane's sighs as her fond memories are tarnished with the thought of his ship. It is so unfair what those 'merchants' did to her. Sarah-Jane's heart becomes weighted with sadness, as does Rose's, but it is the Doctor's two hearts that are effected the most.
"You see, he never showed us any of that. He just followed the Doctor's orders and…" Rose trails off. "We didn't get enough time with him."
"No, we didn't." The Doctor agrees. "And I shouldn't have ordered him around, that was wrong of me. But I never realised, never thought…" The Doctor gives a dry, self-loathing laugh. "He even had me fooled."
"How?" Sarah-Jane asks.
"I believed him. That shallow mask he wore so nobody would question him. I knew there was more to him than that but I never looked. Too much of a coward to look, I guess. I just used him. I needed a soldier and he was there. Convenient really. If I had looked, I don't think I could have let him die. Not even to save humanity. And that's the same reason I left him behind… so I wouldn't have to look any deeper." The Doctor can feel the tears fighting to break free but he won't let them. He's chewing on his lip to prevent them and he's hating himself at the moment but he can feel three pairs of concerned eyes staring into him so he forces a smile on his face for their sakes. "But you've had time with him Sarah-Jane. So please, tell me what he's like." The desperation in the Doctor's beautiful brown eyes is apparent and Sarah-Jane understands how important this is to the Doctor. She understands WHY it's so important to the Doctor better than the Doctor does himself, so she tells him all she can.
"Jack is confused. He's young. I used to think he was innocent but his nightmares suggest otherwise. Oh Doctor, he has such horrific nightmares. They haunt him nightly yet I don't think he remembers them when he's awake. Perhaps it's for the best but they are so terrible, it's horrible!"
"I know." The Doctor replies and this time he can't fight back his tears and they silently leak down his face as he remembers Jack screaming, sweating and struggling. He's surprised to find Mickey's hand on his shoulder, trying to comfort him.
"I sometimes think he played a role with me." Sarah-Jane continues. "He tries so hard. Too hard. I don't think he can be himself because I don't think he knows who that is yet. But I swear there were times with me when he wasn't acting, when he was genuinely happy. He enjoyed making me happy. He enjoys making other people because I don't think he knows how to make himself happy and I'm not too sure he thinks he deserves to be.
"He's a mechanic. I think we can all agree on that." Everybody smiles at that, including Mickey because it was very rare that Jack was seen without a piece of high-tech machinery or gadget close to hand. And Mickey saw Jack's response to the tribo physical waveform macro kinetic extrapolator so he definitely agrees. "It's with technology that I've seen him truly at his happiest, no acting involved. I think he loves technology more than he loves people, and believe me that that's plenty." Their collective grins grow into a collective chuckle, which is aptly very Jack-like.
"He's more empathic than I would have guessed." Sarah-Jane adds thoughtfully. "He understands people. He knows what they want, what they need. He tends to trust people implicitly and although he tries to appear wary of people that's the true act because he's got to try to be suspicious. But he's an optimist. It's almost as if he's trying to be naïve. But to be fair, it often works. He creates bonds with people because he treats them equally and he shows a genuine interest in them. He's great with kids especially, because he doesn't patronise them. He believes in the good of people and even if they've done bad stuff he still believes that that doesn't make them evil, just misguided. He doesn't believe in evil people, just evil actions. He has a strong faith in humanity and that faith tends to make people want to deserve it. He makes people strive to be better, just because he believes in them. He sees the world in very clear-cut terms. Humanity is good and it's a lack of humanity that is bad. And it hurts him to see humanity as anything other than pure good. He's been hurt a lot, but he still believes." Silence fills the TARDIS as the Doctor is filled with an inexplicable, indefinable, overpowering emotion.
"And he's a total girl." Rose claims, trying to lift the mood. "Totally backed up by his choice of TV and film."
"His choice of TV and film makes him a ten-year-old boy." Sarah-Jane insists. "Science-fiction and B-Horror movies. Graphic novels and boys-own-adventure stuff. He discovered Star Trek and I couldn't peel him away from the screen, he spend 9 solid days just watching the movies and then when I eventually did pull him away from the TV we spent a week at a science-fiction convention. He was such a geek but so happy there that I couldn't bare to drag him away." Sarah-Jane grins at the memory.
"Yeah, okay, but his other choice of TV and film totally make him a fourteen-year-old girl! Romance, musicals, Shakespeare…"
"Shakespeare is not a girl thing." Sarah-Jane interrupts.
"Neither is romance and musicals!" The Doctor exclaims and Rose is rather taken back by that.
"I thought you told me romance and musicals were ridiculously pretentious and naïve. Hugely made by and for little girls who couldn't live in the real world and therefore lived in a fantasy one instead. It's just a sickeningly sweet dream because people who are romantic and who burst into song at the drop of a hat don't exist in real life. That's what you told me." Rose accuses the Doctor.
"Jack's like that!" Sarah-Jane points out. "He's sweet and thoughtful and caring. I guess you could call it romantic. He climbed a mountain, properly hiked up there without his technology because technology was forbidden, just to get me this flower he thought would brighten up my quarters. And he bursts into song for no reason. Just because he feels like it and it does cheer you up, listening to him. He's got a good voice."
"There's nothing wrong with musicals and romance." The Doctor defends.
"But you said…"
"He said. I've regenerated since then and I think people could do with more romance and music in their lives. Yeah, romance and musicals are the way to go." The Doctor concludes firmly and Rose sulks. She liked the old Doctor better. There is a companionable silence in the TARDIS for a few seconds whilst Rose sulks and tries to think of a comeback.
"Well, what you didn't mention is… how, after those B-Horror movies, he ended up in your bed because he was too scared on his own. You told me he didn't sleep for days after watching 'The Invasion of the Body Snatchers', for a week after he watched 'Psycho.' The original that is." Rose smirks, laughing at the memory of Vince Vaughn in drag.
"Oh, I'm sure he had alternative motives for getting into Sarah-Jane's bed." The Doctor replies, his voice considerably more bitter than he'd like it.
"He was a perfect gentleman the entire time! An Officer and a Gentleman." Sarah-Jane can't resist adding and Rose picked up on the mention of the film immediately.
"And that complete and utter chick-flick happens to be one of Jack's favourite films. That along with the Ginger Roger movies and 'Moulin Rouge.' He's a sucker for romance and love songs. Sure he cries at the tragic endings but he even cries at the happy endings too."
"awwww!" the Doctor lets out a squeal before realising what he has just done. "I have no idea what that was or why I just did that."
"Please!" Mickey snorts, having just been woken up by the Doctor's high-pitched bleat. "You've always had a thing for the Captain!" it was obvious he was still cranky and not in the mood for tact.
"I don't have a 'thing' for Jack. A 'thing'? What's a 'thing'? I don't have a 'thing' for Jack! I don't even know what a 'thing' is! What is a 'thing'?"
"A thing?" Mickey smirked, teasing the Doctor and encouraging the women to do the same. "A thing is nursing someone in a coma for over a week and never taking your eyes off him."
"A thing is where you look after the guy so possessively, you won't even let his best friends near him because you want it just to be you and him." Sarah-Jane points out and the Doctor tries to refute it, tries to say that he didn't stop them from seeing Jack, which technically he didn't although whenever they did he did visit the Doctor made them feel uncomfortable and awkward. Not intentionally but…
"A thing is when even you're not with him you still have to talk about him because he's the most important thing to you. More important than us anyway." Rose pouts and the Doctor tries to protest but is cut off.
"I think it's a love-thing." Mickey manages to get out before laughing because it is usually the Doctor calling him an idiot. Now the boot is firmly on the other foot.
"Love? Give me a break! The boy was dying so I made sure he didn't. That doesn't mean I love him!" The Doctor exclaims.
"What about before?" Rose asks. "Before you… regenerated."
"I was pathetic then. I loved you both and I didn't do anything about it. I just led you into a war and got him killed!" The Doctor swallows hard, wiping the tears that have fallen from his eyes. "But that doesn't mean I love him anymore!" The TARDIS falls silent, giving the Doctor a moment to acknowledge the truth. "But it's Jack!" The Doctor protests. "Lying, cheating, troubled, charming, sweet, beautiful, geeky, tortured, underestimated, underestimating, beautiful Jack."
"You said beautiful twice." Mickey points out.
"I CAN'T love Jack!" The Doctor tries to rationalise yet when he sees the three pairs of pitiful looks in his direction he finally admits the truth. "But I do." He reluctantly admits but isn't allowed to revel in the revelation for long.
"Don't ever tell him though." Sarah-Jane warns him.
"What? Why?"
"He won't react well. It's…" she sighs. "He doesn't know how to be loved. He wants people to like him, he needs it even, because he's not too sure he likes himself. But if you tell him you love him it will end in tragedy, he'll make it. He doesn't want to hurt you but it'll hurt him more and that's why he'll do it. If you want him to stay please don't tell him." Sarah-Jane pleads but the Doctor doesn't reply.
"I knew the Doctor had a crush on the Captain! I was right, Rose! I was right!" Mickey brags.
"Be fair Mickey." Sarah-Jane attempts to play referee. "You're only half right. I think the old regeneration of the Doctor only loved both Jack and Rose. I think he had a crush on Rose rather than Jack."
"Yeah, but now…"
"Now, I don't even think he knows I'm even here." Rose tells Mickey, feeling rather dejected and obviously ignoring the Doctor. "It's all about Jack."
"What? I may love him but I don't have a crush on him!" The Doctor insists ignoring the eye-rolls coming from Rose, Mickey and Sarah-Jane. "I haven't been gay for about 5 regenerations (depending on who's counting) and I have never had a 'crush' on anybody! I am above such things; I am a Time Lord. I have never had a 'crush' in my life!" the Doctor pauses. "No, wait, I tell a lie. I once had a whirlwind romance with this woman called Grace, but that was a weird time. She was a Doctor, operated on me. She thought she's killed me. I regenerated to find she's left some sort of wire in my chest. We saved the world together. We defeated the Master together. It just so happened that the Master had taken over her boyfriend's body. So I stepped in. But it was just a crush, nothing serious.
"I can't have a crush on Jack!" The Doctor whines. "I mean sure, he's young, charming and good-looking. Pale skin and dark hair. Dazzling smile. Beautiful blue eyes. Athletic build." The Doctor clears his throat. "I don't have a crush! I may be in love with him but please, please don't say I have a crush on him too!"
"The Doctor's horny for the Captain." Mickey mercilessly sings, repeating the phrase over and over again, Sarah-Jane trying to stifle a laugh and Rose trying not to be too peeved.
"I am not horny! Do I look horny to you, don't answer that, but I'm not. I… Nobody has ever described me as horny before. It's just not possible. I am not horny. I don't even know what horny…" The Doctor trails off as Jack enters, dripping wet , wearing only black boxer shorts. A cup of coffee in one hand which he's moaning into every time he takes a sip, and a small towel for drying his hair in the other.
"Sarah-Jay!" he puts his coffee down on the nearest surface, runs over to her, hugs her then kisses her so passionately that the Doctor has to look away. "I am so glad you're safe. I'm sorry I failed you. I shouldn't have let them take K-9." He kisses her once again on the mouth, deeply and lovingly before pressing their foreheads together. "But you should have left me. You should have just saved yourself."
"I saved both of us." Sarah-Jane replies but Jack just shakes his head before spotting Rose.
"Rose, I've missed you!" He hugs her before kissing her too. She actually giggles in response, despite herself.
"Mickey!" He makes to hug him Mickey won't let him.
"You're dripping wet and you're half-naked. Don't touch me!" Mickey warns and Jack does back off, picking up his coffee and drinking it instead. "Why are you half-naked?"
"The TARDIS took my clothes when I had a shower. You should be grateful she even gave me boxers." Jack smirks, before patting Mickey on both shoulders. "You're travelling with the Doc and Rose now? Good for you!" Jack smiles but his smile wavers when his eyes fall on the Doctor. He cradles his cup of coffee and says nothing.
"Don't I get a hug?" the Doctor asks nervously, feeling like a schoolboy. His hands are firmly tucked in his pocket because he can't figure out what to do with them. Jack doesn't respond.
"He's… angry isn't the word." Sarah-Jane tries to explain. "He's disappointed. That you left."
"That I left him?"
"No!" The word escapes Jack's lips before he can prevent it and he looks down at the floor as though he feels guilty, feels like he shouldn't have spoken.
"No." Sarah-Jane explains softly. "That you left me."
"He thinks you love her." Rose continues. "He thinks you belong with her and you shouldn't have left her on Earth. He thinks it was selfish of you to leave her behind and stupid of you to leave her at all."
"Oh Jack." The Doctor's expression is pained but Jack is still looking at the floor so he doesn't see it. The Doctor turns to Sarah-Jane, "I did love you once…"
"What are you? Hamlet!" Jack explodes. "And you must be crazy not to love her now. She deserves better than to be someone's Ophelia!" Jack winces and shuts up, pinching his nose with his thumb and forefinger. Then he takes a large gulp of his coffee and even though it burns his mouth and throat he doesn't make a sound, not even as his eyes start to water.
"I left you too! Or have you forgotten that? Hmm?" the Doctor snaps. "I abandoned you on some God-forsaken satellite station without a living soul for company, just ashes and dust! How can you be more occupied with the fact I left Sarah-Jane behind because she asked me to than the fact that I left you?"
"I don't deny it hurt." Jack says and the pain in his eyes is unbearable for the Doctor to see but he still finds himself staring into Jack's blue eyes. He can see pain but no blame. Jack doesn't blame anybody. Except maybe himself. "But I get why you left me. I'd have done the same thing." The Doctor shakes his head but Jack ignores him. "You left because you couldn't trust me. I'm a liability. I'm used to working solo, not as a team. I'm used to looking after number one and lying and cheating to do so. I'm a conman, you're a hero and Rose is an innocent. I get it, I really do. I just… don't get why you left Sarah-Jane. That was unforgivable."
"I'd forgiven him." Sarah-Jane points out. "And in a way I'm glad you left Jack behind otherwise I wouldn't have met him." Jack feels like hugging her for that but he doesn't. He's still aware of the Doctor's watchful eyes on him.
"I get why you left me, Doc. I deserved it. I understand that. It's okay. Really." Jack insists even though he's desperately trying not to cry and is biting his lip so hard it's bleeding.
"No. You don't understand." And the Doctor can feel everyone in the TARDIS begging him not to say anything but this is too important. He has too. Besides, staying silent never was one of the Doctor's strong points. "I left you because I loved you."
"What? No!" Jack shakes his head so strongly that it shakes the scolding coffee all over his hand but he doesn't even notice his hand burning. He's trying too desperately to deny what he's just heard but the Doctor won't let him.
"I hadn't known you for that long but I'd already fallen for you twice as hard and that scared me. I thought that if I left you behind I'd forget about you, forget about these feelings and carry on as normal but it didn't work. It's stronger than ever. I still love you Jack. I love you so, so much." But Jack has already ran into another room of the TARDIS. "Jack, Jack!" the Doctor is upset and Mickey and Rose refrain from saying 'we told you so' whereas the look on Sarah-Jane's face is so sympathetic that the Doctor is finding it hard not to cry.
"One of these days I'm gonna figure out that some of my companions are actually worth listening to." He remarks before running off in the direction Jack retreated to.
End of Chapter 2