Series: True/Troubled Beauty
Series tagline: How do you love someone who believes they don't deserve your love?
Chapter: 04. Easing the Tension part 1.
Fandom: Doctor Who (10th)
Chapter Summary: Jack offers to ease the tension between him and the Doctor by the only way he knows how.
Rating: mild R (just for this chapter though)
Word Count: 3, 275 ish
Warning: over the series there are a lot of references to other shows, actors, movies, games etc. so there may be spoilers for them. There may be the odd spoiler for Doctor Who episodes as well but I think I'm being rather cryptic. Also, I've kind of created my own cannon and more of a back-story for the characters, Jack specifically, this series but I hope you'll accept it.
Disclaimer: sigh I have no claim to pretty much anything, least of all Doctor Who. sigh
Easing the Tension part 1
Jack is in the TARDIS' library, that's no surprise. Whenever left to his own devises he'll always retreat to the library, reading all the novels and poetry he can lay his hands on, listening to all the music in TARDIS' databanks and watching all the television programmes and films that TARDIS knows of, even a few she doesn't in the form of DVDs salvaged from his ship.
What IS a surprise is that the Doctor has been watching him for the last half-hour. He'd come into the TARDIS for a reason… to pick out a Sukaran book he thought Jack might enjoy, he hadn't expected Jack to be there. He thought Jack would be asleep, everybody else is. It was a foolish thought of the Doctor. Jack never sleeps.
It is all the others' fault, the Doctor thinks bitterly. When the others are awake Jack is too busy trying to please them, trying to make them happy. He plays football with Mickey or they watch old games on this enormous TV in a room specifically build by Jack for that purpose; he goes clubbing with Rose in a bar he helped the TARDIS design, adding hyperholographical beings which he programmed to make it more authentic for her; he treats Sarah-Jane like a goddess, plying her with good food and wine Jack won't partake of because he feels unworthy, giving her full body massages and reading her the most beautiful poetry.
He's also created another brand-new room in the TARDIS that is solely a news archive full of visual images and journalist reports of historical events throughout the universe and throughout the timeline, mainly for Sarah-Jane's benefit but also to educate Mickey and Mickey has actually proved to be an attentive student. Jack is a very good teacher. He's also a very good friend to the others but he tends to avoid the Doctor, perhaps he think it'll be easier that way, the Doctor doesn't really know Jack's reasoning. All the Doctor knows is that in his mind, he doesn't have enough time with Jack and Jack doesn't have enough time to himself.
Only now the others are asleep and Jack does have time to himself, to do what he enjoys. He's watching an old Earth DVD. Shakespeare. A Musical. 'Love Labours Lost'. He's smiling, laughing at the gags and the Doctor is awestruck by his beauty. He's sitting cross-legged on the floor, the TV only about a metre in front of his eyes, some kind of ancient-looking 21st century portable computer on his lap and he's typing, currently chatting with this teenage Earth boy he'd rescued from bullies in the 23rd Century. His smile is so wide, so beautiful.
Jack continues to laugh, well… more like giggle, at the movie. He even laughs at the physical gags even though his eyes are firmly fixed to the computer. He keeps flicking through screens on his computer changing from the conversation with the boy to the text of the play, reviews of the film whilst writing down his own Shakespearian essay on the genre of 'Love Labours Lost' and its lost sequel, all whilst never missing a beat of the conversation or movie. Whoever said Earthmen couldn't multi-task obviously hadn't seen Jack at work, but then again… Jack is unique.
Once his conversation with the boy is over, he contacts a female Pomplathian he hasn't seen for a while and after that, a Gladik who once saved his life. Just as the movie's credits roll he manages to tie up all the loose ends on his computer before shutting it down. He gets up to choose another movie he wants to watch (or rather, listen) and pick up a book he wants to read. That's when he spies the Doctor, lurking in the doorway.
"How long have you been here?" Jack asks, feeling rather self-conscious. He's wearing blue and white striped pyjamas that are far too large for him but they're comfortable. He only wears them when everybody else is asleep because although he thinks he must look hideous in them they make him feel relaxed, at ease, snug. Safe. They're like a security blanket, he doesn't actually sleep in them. He doesn't actually sleep.
"Oh…" the Doctor starts to shuffle his feet awkwardly, looking down at the floor trying to pretend he hasn't spend the last hour or so watching him. "not long." He lies.
"Did you come in for anything specific?" Jack asks, preoccupied and scanning the bookshelves for a book he hasn't read. He glances at the Doctor. "What do you want?" he repeats, a little smile tugging at his lips before he sees a book on the bottom shelf that takes his fancy and burst into a grin. He bends over to get the book and the Doctor can't help but stare. Unfortunately, he stares too long and Jack catches him. He looks surprised at first but then covers up that surprise with a smirk. "Or should that be, 'WHO do you want?'" The Doctor still is unable to respond. "Why did you really come here, Doc?"
"erm…" the Doctor tries his best to remember and also remember how to speak whilst he's at it. Thankfully, he does. "I was looking for a book. A Sukaran book about their myths and legends. I'm in it, actually but… yeah. That's what I was looking for."
"Oh." Jack gasps, scanning the bookshelves before realising that a book of that description is already in his hands. "Is this is?"
"Yeah, actually it is." Jack tries to give it to the Doctor but the Doctor refuses. "Oh no, I just… I thought you might like it. I… I … I was going to give it to you but it looks like you've already beaten me to it." The Doctor tries to laugh but as soon as Jack smiles the laugh seems to get caught in the Doctor's throat.
"That's really sweet." Jack replies sincerely. "Thank you."
"You'r… you're w… wel… welcome." The Doctor stutters. Actually stutters and he realises he should be going now. As soon as he can get his feet to co-operate. But when he does manage to get his feet to move and as he starts leaving, Jack calls out to him.
"But that's not the real reason you came." And the Doctor knows he should just keep on walking, just a few more steps and he's be out of the door, but he doesn't. He stops and turns around. "You and I both know the reason you came here tonight." Jack's eyes are smouldering and the Doctor finds himself drawn in like a moth to the flame. "I know you feel it too. This lust between us. This heat. This want. This desire!" the Doctor nods before coming to his senses.
"Nnn. I mean, no. There is nothing between us! Nothing whatsoever!" and who knew the Doctor's voice could be so shaky? Or squeaky?
"Now we both know that isn't true." Jack dismisses the Doctor's arguments so easily, his voice smooth and husky at the same time. It's indescribable. It's hypnotic and seductive and the Doctor can't remember the last time his hearts beat so erratically. "I know you want me. And I most certainly want you." It sends a shudder down the Doctor's spine.
"What are you, are you suggesting?" The Doctor breathes, proud of the fact he's managed to keep his voice (relatively) steady and even more proud that he's managed to keep enough blood pumping to his brain that he can remember how to speak.
"I'm suggesting we have sex." Jack says simply and the Doctor's hearts skip a beat. "One night. No strings attached. That's what you need. One wild, passionate, fantastic night and then you'll be cured."
"Cured?" the Doctor queries but the thought is soon ripped from his mind as suddenly, from nowhere, Jack's mouth is nipping at his jaw. The Doctor desperately tries to manoeuvre Jack so he can kiss his mouth but Jack won't let him.
"You'll be cured, I promise." Jack growls, pulling at the Doctor's tie, unfastening the Doctor's waistcoat and the Doctor doesn't even notice as it falls to the floor. All he can feel is Jack's mouth on his neck and Jack's hands pulling his shirt out of his trousers before snaking underneath to explore bare skin. The Doctor can't help but moan at how good this feels.
But he wants more. He wants his own hands on Jack's beautifully pale skin. He wants to see Jack's body, all the superficial scars healed but the Doctor still remembers them and he knows that in some ways they're still there. He wants to trace them with his hands, with his tongue, as if by tracing them he can fix them, heal them. Most scars can be healed with love.
Jack's mouth is now gradually brushing butterfly kisses down the Doctor's chest. one hand on the Doctor's waist and the other on his back, slowly getting lower and lower. The Doctor feels like he's going to spontaneously combust at any second because the heat is unbearable. Yet it still isn't enough.
All the Doctor can think about is Jack's pyjama bottoms. The only thing holding them up is a piece of string folded up in the waist and tied into a bow. If the Doctor was just to tug at it slightly…
So, with shaking hands, the Doctor starts to reach out but then stops. He comes to his senses. In one freak moment of clarity he can see everything and he realises that he doesn't want this, not this way.
He doesn't want this to be a one-off thing. Jack is wrong. This won't cure him, it won't help him. It won't help either of them. One night of ecstasy and what then? The Doctor can't even think about it! It's bad enough he's got the memories from the first time, he isn't going to repeat that mistake. He doesn't want the memories if he can't have Jack. No, it can't happen like this. Jack doesn't even want it, not really, he's just doing this so the Doctor can move on.
Jack is on his knees before the Doctor, his hands fumbling with the buttons and the zipper of his fly. The Doctor wishes so hard that he could just close his eyes and let this happens because it feels SO good. Except the Doctor's eyes are open and he can't ignore the tears in Jack's eyes, he can't ignore the cotton pyjamas swamping Jack, he can't ignore the fact Jack looks like a lost and scared little boy. So the Doctor takes a deep breath, gathering the strength to speak.
"No Jack. Stop." Jack looks up at him, his blue eyes glittering with unshed tears. He is physically shaking and looks so insecure. He feels unwanted, but now the Doctor knows he's made the right decision. "Stop."
Jack does stop and the Doctor backs out of the room, hastily doing up his shirt buttons as he goes. He tries to fasten his trousers but it isn't possible in his current state. He leaves without another word. Jack is still on his knees.
"Sarah-Jane, wake up! Please wake up!" the Doctor desperately bangs on her bedroom door.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" she opens the door and her eyes widen at the sight she finds. The Doctor's hair is dishevelled; his face is flushed. He's without his coat, waistcoat and tie and all the buttons of his shirt are fastened into the wrong holes. His trousers are fastened but they look like they are breaking a few laws of physics to remain so. It looks painful. "Come in."
The Doctor pushes past her before collapsing onto her bed. He then lets out an impressive sigh. Sarah-Jane is still in the doorway.
"What happened?" she asks concerned.
"Jack." Is all the Doctor has to say.
"Right." Sarah-Jane nods, moving the Doctor's legs over so she can sit on the edge of her bed.
"He offered to have sex with me." the Doctor explains, sounding as though he's still in shock.
"Right." Sarah-Jane nods. She's silent for a moment before asking, "You didn't, did you?"
"What do you think!" he snaps at her, referring her to the bulge in his trousers. She glances but then looks away almost immediately.
"Right." She nods. "Sorry." The Doctor sits up at that.
"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you." The Doctor apologises.
"It's understandable, under the circumstances." Sarah-Jane sympathises and suddenly the Doctor is eternally grateful for having a friend as kind, forgiving and understanding as her. He hugs her. "You did the right thing, Doctor." She tells him, returning the hug. "You know that, don't you?"
"I know." He replies, reluctantly letting go of the embrace.
"It must have taken a lot of effort though. To resist." Her tone is soft and gentle.
"I've slept with him before." The Doctor confides in her and her eyes widen but she doesn't say anything. She waits for the Doctor to continue. "before I regenerated. I've had him once but all that has done has made me want him more, 'as if increase of appetite had grown by what it fed on.' I'm not even sure if Jack remembers!" the Doctor scoffs painfully. "But I do. I remember each moan, each touch, each kiss. But I was in a different body then. You have no idea how much I want to make love to him in this body, how much I want him to make love to me…" he trails off, trying to get a handle on his emotions.
"I couldn't go through with it this time though. It was pretty clear he was only doing it for my sake. It makes me sick thinking about it! But when I told him to stop… he looked so dejected. It's like he uses sex to judge his worth and that makes me feel even worse. He's worth so much more than that." The Doctor sighs.
"You left him. Is he okay?" Sarah-Jane enquires and the Doctor feels guilty. He shouldn't have left him like that. Knowing Jack, he'll take it the worst possible way. The Doctor asks TARDIS telepathically and when she replies the Doctor lets out a laugh. A bitter, dry and pained laugh.
"He's watching 'Moulin Rouge'! How's that for irony?" the Doctor sniffs.
"'The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.'" She recites. "You know, I'm seeing a lot of parallels between you two and that film."
"What? With him as Christian?"
"No. With you as Christian, with him as Satine." She smiles and the Doctor tries to smile but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.
"I can't believe he would do that! I can't believe he could say that!" the Doctor exclaims and it isn't until he notices Sarah-Jane's curious looks he explains. "He said after one night with him, I'd be cured!"
"Cured of what?"
"I don't know, but I think he meant of my love for him!" he recalls in disbelief. "He still thinks this is just a crush!"
"Are you so sure it isn't?" she asks carefully. The Doctor sighs before laying back down on the bed. Sarah-Jane does the same next to him.
"I caught him coming out of the shower the other day. Towel fastened around his waist; dripping wet; some soap suds still in his hair; the odd bit of shaving cream still on his face. He looked so beautiful, and you know what my first urge was?" he can feel Sarah-Jane shaking her head next to him. "My first urge was to serenade him with the song, 'just the way you look tonight'!" Sarah-Jane giggles at that and even the Doctor laughs.
"I'm sorry Doctor." She tells him after she's calmed herself down a bit but the laughter still largely evident in her voice. "That is awfully sweet. And I'm sure Jack would think that terribly romantic. If it wasn't directed at him, I mean." She laughs a bit more before asking, "You didn't, did you?" her voice a strange mixture of sympathy and admiration… but most of all, laughter.
"No. I was too busy dumbstruck to say anything in the end. He has a habit of doing that to me. Rendering me speechless. I know! Me, speechless!" the Doctor laughs, "He just gave me a nod then walked right by me and I couldn't utter a sound!" they both laugh but then the Doctor turns on his side, a move Sarah-Jane mimics so they are now facing each other. The mood is now serious.
"Sarah-Jane, can I tell you something I haven't told anybody else? I haven't even told Rose."
"You know you can." She reassures him but he still pauses for a few seconds.
"This is my thirteenth regeneration. I won't regenerate anymore. After this life, there is no more for me."
"Oh." She acknowledges sadly. "Isn't there any way you could…"
"Yes." Is his curt response, "The Time Lords are dead. I make up the rules now. I don't have to die if I don't want to."
"Then why?"
"I've lived a long life, Sarah-Jane. I've lived a good life. 900 years and counting. Everything has its time and everything must die. I've still got this life though and I plan on living it well. But I don't want to drag out the process, I'm going to age and die. The way it should be."
"Oh," Sarah-Jane is silent for a moment as she thinks. "What is the real reason?"
"Jack." The Doctor concedes. "I've got this future, planned out for us. The two of us. Where we grow old together. And it is amazing! Even as he grows old I swear he grows more beautiful. Even as age changes his appearance, he still has the ability to fascinate me. His eyes, his eyes still stay the same though. Still so blue, still so sparkling, still so beautiful.
"It's amazing because the older we get the more content I am," He smiles. "I'm learning that it's not all about the places you visit. It isn't all about power and wealth and space and time. It's all about people. Brilliant, stupid, simple, complex, individual people!" He grins.
"That isn't to say we don't explore, because we do. We'll carry on exploring as long as our legs will let us and then some. But most if it is just visiting people we've met, people he's befriended. It all comes back to him. If he's happy, I'm happy. It's that simple.
"That's not to say we don't argue or disagree on things. We can have some pretty big bust-ups because we're both so passionate, and stubborn. When we fallout we fallout big time but we always come back to each other because it hurts to be apart. We always forgive each other because life is too short not to. And when we're young, making up is also very passionate but as we get older we can make up by hugging or even just," he laughs fondly, "gazing into each other's eyes.
"Oh Sarah-Jane. I know this is hopeless of me but even if this doesn't happen or especially if it doesn't, I don't want another life if it's without Jack. That's why this will be my last." He declares firmly. She understands completely.
"You really are in love." She whispers, snuggling up to him on the bed.
"Yeah. And I don't care how long it takes, I'm gonna make him realise that too." He promises before falling asleep in Sarah-Jane's arms.
End of Chapter 4