Series: True/Troubled Beauty
Series tagline: How do you love someone who believes they don't deserve your love?
Chapter: 08. Fear and Fleeing
Fandom: Doctor Who (10th)
Chapter Summary: The Doctor is afraid because Jack is intent on fleeing
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,400
Warning: over the series there are a lot of references to other shows, actors, movies, games etc. so there may be spoilers for them. There may be the odd spoiler for Doctor Who episodes as well but I think I'm being rather cryptic.
Disclaimer: I am a lowly fan. This is FANfiction.
A/N: Takes place JUST after chapter 7.
Feedback: I'm not convinced by how this chapter turned out so I'd love your feedback.
Fear and Fleeing
"You can't just let him leave!" The Doctor screams at his companions. "Talk to him, you've got to make him stay. You've got to!" The Doctor begs.
"You should have just let him go in the first place." Rose replies harshly, but softens as she looks into the Doctor's eyes and realises he never had a choice.
"He won't listen to us. He's determined to go and we can't stop him." Sarah-Jane refuses to cry even as her voice breaks with emotion.
"It's all your fault!" Mickey blames the Doctor.
"I never meant to fall in love with him!" The Doctor argues. "I never meant to kiss him, it just happened. You shouldn't have left me alone with him. You knew it was going to happen eventually!"
"I didn't realise you'd be so stupid!" Mickey shouts. "He's going to leave, go out into the Universe, all alone again, sleeping and conning his way, just to survive. And I'm gonna lose the one true friend I've ever had because you're too busy thinking with the wrong head!" That was the polite way of putting it and it makes the Doctor's forehead wrinkle with confusion.
"You're as bad as Jack. This isn't just a crush!" The Doctor cries. "You may be losing your best friend, I'm losing the man I LOVE and there's nothing I can do or say to make him stay. I'm the REASON he's leaving and any pain you're feeling can't compare…" The Doctor refuses to say anymore because he's choked with emotion, his voice full of fear thinly disguised as anger. The TARDIS fills with silence for a few seconds.
"This isn't getting us anywhere." Sarah-Jane speaks softly, not to shatter the silence. Rose just sulks, but the atmosphere is such even she can't bring herself to do it noisily. "If we want Jack to stay we need to come up with a plan and we need to do it quickly. Does anybody have any ideas?" The TARDIS falls silent again. Not for long though as the Doctor can't stay quiet for lengthy periods of time.
"I can't believe he managed to fix his ship so quickly!" He kicks TARDIS' floor in frustration. "No, actually I can. I just kinda hoped he wouldn't wanna." He once again tries to stay silent and once again fails. "It's such a big ship for one man. Even bigger since the pirates stole most of it, just leaving the shell. I got lonely, rattling around in TARDIS but at least she's alive…"
The Doctor rambles on but Rose isn't listening. She leaves the boys in Sarah-Jane's capable, comforting and caring hands before going off to talk to Jack. Hopefully, he'll listen to her.
"Jack, please let me in." She bangs on the door of his spaceship. The door is opened using remote control. She still doesn't know where Jack is and it's a big, almost empty ship. After a quarter of an hour of searching she eventually finds him in the cockpit. It looks so bare, so damaged, so broken. "Are you really so desperate to get out of here that you're wiling to get yourself killed doing it? This ship looks like it'll explode as soon as you set off."
"She's not as ready as I'd like but she'll go. I've been working on this ship since I was five; my mom bought it for me after dad… died. I've grown up with this ship. He's never let me down before." Jack refuses to look at Rose as he speaks. "And in answer to your question: yes. If I stay around here I'll probably end up getting you all killed and I couldn't' live with that. It's best I leave now. It would have been better if I'd stayed dead at the Games station." His hand is trembling so hard he short circuits the wires he's working with.
"You don't mean that!" Rose screams, taking it personally when it was only meant generally. Jack doesn't even look up, focusing intently on the console but his concentration severely lacking.
"Yes I do." He whispers, hotly and sincerely.
"Nobody else thinks like that." Rose sits down in the co-pilot's seat. It's a seat that has only had a few occupants in the past. Sarah-Jane recently and Maria, over a decade ago. "Sarah-Jane doesn't think like that. You rescued her, showed her the stars again."
"She was better off without me. She was content: I was lonely. It was selfish of me to take her along. And it wasn't long before I screwed up. I let those pirates onto my ship. They bound and gagged her, forced her into a chair at gunpoint, stole K9…"
"They did a lot worse to you!" Rose interrupts. "I saw you! I saw what state they left you in! It was horrible. You were unconscious for days, despite all the constant care the Doctor and TARDIS were giving you. I've never seen the Doctor so worried." Jack can't stand to hear that.
"She should have left me to die. Taken the escape pod like I said. The Doctor wouldn't have cared if he already thought I was dead. He shouldn't. I don't matter. You matter; Sarah-Jay matters; the Doctor matters; Mickey matters more than me. You should want me to go, force me to go, because when people are around me they get killed."
"It isn't your fault, Jack!" Rose tries to make him listen. "The Doctor once told me that Death is the only constant thing in the Universe." She smiles before adding, "well, that and taxes." Her smile widens as she sees a tug of Jack's lips. It's odd, but she also remembers another universality the Doctor told her: love. She doesn't tell Jack that though because she's trying to make him stay, not leave quicker. "You've just been unlucky is all."
"I'm not the unlucky one, I survived. It's everyone I've ever loved who's been unlucky." Jack walks away to get more tools to fix the panel. Rose follows him. Jack continues talking. "That's why I don't love anyone anymore." And for the first time Rose realises how deluded Jack is. Jack is probably the most loving guy she's ever met. He cares too much. That makes him hurt too much. "I'm sorry." Jack states, suddenly coming to a halt.
"What?" Rose stares at him, she wasn't even aware he knew she was there. "What for?"
"For coming between you and the Doctor." He elaborates before rushing off to get the tools he needs. Rose waits, standing like a statue with her brain racing for five whole minutes before Jack returns, loaded up with so many tools he looks more machinery than man.
"You don't think me and the Doctor were… y'know." Rose gestures, following Jack who, although weighted down by tools, is still surprisingly speedy. "I know we flirted a bit but it weren't serious. I were with Mickey. I AM with Mickey." She knows she's protesting a lie, on so many levels. Jack ruined her chances with the Doctor but deep down she realises that was probably for the best. Deep down she realises that she was never in love with the Doctor, only in love with the lifestyle, with the adventure, what the Doctor represents, the new and exciting, not the man himself. Deep down she understands that that's the difference between her relationship with the Doctor compared to Jack's. What Jack and the Doctor have is real, more solid, based on the truth, and that's why it scares them both so much. But she only accepts that deep down. On the surface, she resents and objects to that even though she tries not to.
"You really love him, don't you?" Rose purposely keeps her voice tender. She leans against the wall inside the cockpit and watches as Jack frantically tries to fix his ship. He doesn't look up, he just sighs, pauses slightly before returning to attend to his ship. She reads his body language and interprets that as a 'yes'. "That's why you're leaving."
"I'm leaving to find K9!" Jack insists. "Reunite him with Sarah-Jay. Fix what I broke, what I lost. Put right what I messed up, screwed up!" His left hand slips and the tender flesh is ripped open by a melted piece of jagged metal. He grabs an oily rag and wraps it around his hand before continuing to put the finishing touches to his ship. The control panel lights up.
"What will you do after that?" Rose asks but Jack has no reply. He shrugs, meaning he'll do what he always does: sleep and con his way through the Universe. He'll do whatever it takes to survive, which is ironic because of the amount of times he's wished he wasn't alive. But he's too much of a coward to die; living is a far worse punishment than death. "But you're still leaving."
"I have to. I'm sorry." And he is. He always is and it disgusts him. "I'm not used to staying in one place for very long. It's not how I am. It's not who I am. It's how I was born, to a stable family but situations change, I had to adapt. I had to keep moving. And now I can't stop."
"So you're leaving on my birthday?" Rose sulks, knowing it's a low blow but even if she has to guilt him into staying she knows he's got to get him to stay somehow. It surprisingly backfires.
"I spent my birthday on Satellite 5. Alone." He tries and fails to keep the bitterness out of his voice and he hates himself for it. He's bitter because he let himself fall for them, he let himself become part of the team, and he let himself trust them. He was a fool, and now he's determined not to make the same mistake again. He's determined about that and because he's too busy repairing his ship he fails to notice the hurt, pained and shocked look on Rose's face.
"You really are leaving…" and she's surprised by how much this realisation is affecting her. She never really believed it up until now and even now she's still unwilling to accept it. She knows she'll get over it but Mickey and the Doctor… it'll cut them so deep and Rose doesn't want that. Not really. It'll hurt Sarah-Jane too but she'll recover quickly. It'll take Mickey longer but eventually he'll move on, forget. She doubts the Doctor ever will though. If Jack realised the pain he's causing by leaving he might stay, but he's oblivious to it. Rose wants to tell him, wants to beg but after one deep look into his eyes she realises he's hurting most of all. "Good luck. I hope you find what you're looking for."
Jack is struck by her words. He stops working to look her in the eyes. He stares at her for a moment, a puzzled look upon his face before eventually breaking into a sad smile. The look in his eyes is one of relief, gratitude and happiness. He thanks her without words.
"You better go now." Jack tells her tenderly. "I'm leaving now. If she co-operates." 'She,' meaning his ship. "I don't think the Doctor would appreciate it much if I took you with me."
"I don't think he'd mind." Rose mutters under her breath. Thankfully, Jack doesn't hear her as he's too busy switching on the engines. The engines don't start, but the console he's working on blows up.
"Jack, are you okay!" Rose screams in concern. He doesn't reply. He's unconscious and it isn't until Rose starts pounding his chest he begins to breathe again, his heart begins to beat again. "Jack!"
"I'm fine." He chokes out, gasping for breathe. He clambers to his feet to examine what went wrong and how to fix it. He's so determined to leave but Rose knows he wants to stay. She can't force him though.
"It's just the fuse. Dammit, I don't have another one on board, they all got taken. I should have realised I'd be taking up more power now than she was when she was in full working order. Back then I had the best of the best, designed to be energy efficient. Now I don't have that, of course I don't that. Of course she's using up more energy now. God, I'm so stupid!" To emphasise this he bangs his left hand onto the console, the blood squirts out of the makeshift bandage and covers the console. Something else for him to clear up.
"You're not stupid, Jack." Rose corrects him, dismissing his self-loathing rant. "You're just tired. Everybody makes mistakes when you're tired. You're only human."
"There's so many ways to interpret that word." Jack snorts. "Fallible, weak, tragic, small-minded, warrior, murderer, machiavellian, and 'humanity' is a laugh. What's supposed to mean 'kindness, forgiveness, and love' can easily be replaced with 'selfishness, greed and hate'. There's no humanity in a species that kills men for refusing to fight, where half the species is too fat and the other half is starving. Any humanity I've had in me was eliminated years ago, to survive or serve a purpose to the Agency. I don't want to be human yet at the same time, I don't deserve to be."
Rose looks him deep in the eyes for seconds which stretch out to seem like lifetimes. Then she kisses him: sweetly, innocently but deeply on the lips. It's odd but the fear he felt at the feel of the Doctor's lips on his own seems to be replaced with the sweet feeling of Rose's. It's a friendly, reassuring kiss. Rose smiles, thoroughly satisfied she's reminded Jack that humanity can be good. Very good. It's a while before either of them speak.
"I'm going to have to get another fuse from TARDIS." He whispers but his heart isn't really in it. With Rose's kiss he's forgotten the reason he wants to leave, but he still knows he has to. He sets off to find a fuse in TARDIS' mechaparts miscellaneous room, closely followed by Rose.
Of course, to get to the mechaparts miscellaneous room he's got to pass the room in the TARDIS that the Doctor, Mickey and Sarah-Jane are in. Jack and Rose are very shocked by what they find:
Mickey and the Doctor are fighting. Physically fighting. Really fighting. Wrestling. Boxing. Actually trying to cause each other pain. Sarah-Jane has obviously given up on trying to separate them, reaching the conclusion it would just be quicker and easier to let them duke it out. The most shocking part is that Mickey seems to be winning. The Doctor has a bust lip and a bruised cheek. Mickey is relatively injury free, a painful twinge in his shoulder whilst the Doctor is aching everywhere. They both stop fighting the second they see Jack. The tableau is quite hilarious until after a few seconds they straighten themselves up and dust themselves off.
"What the hell happened to you?" The Doctor asks, his voice a lot higher than he'd like due to fear, concern and surprise. It's not like the Doctor to curse but that's just another example of the effect Jack has on him.
"What do you mean, 'what the hell happened to me?'? What the hell happened to you?" Jack's voice is equally as full of fear, concern and surprise but it isn't as high. "Were you fighting? You don't fight! And I'm beginning to see the reason for that. Are you okay? Give me your sonic screwdriver, I'll fix you up."
"What happened to your hand? What happened to you?" The Doctor asks. He gets his screw driver out but doesn't give it to Jack.
"He slit his hand open working on his ship. Banged his head. Blew himself up. Took thousands of volts of electricity. Stopped breathing." Rose lists the injuries Jack's sustained trying to run away. It sounds absurd and Jack realises that. He still won't let the Doctor fix him though.
"Why were you fighting with Mickey?" Jack queries. "When I leave I want you all to have a BIG party."
"'When'?" The Doctor quotes, questioning.
"I mean now. I am leaving now." Jack insists sleepily and softly. "You know you shouldn't fight Mickey, Doctor. I've been teaching him self-defence. He's a good study, a quick learner, he can even beat me on an off-day." Jack slyly snatches the sonic screwdriver out of the Doctor's hand and fixes the Doctor's split lip and bruised cheek. Mickey shakes his head because he knows how both guys want to play Doctors and Nurses, can't stand to see anybody in pain. But Jack is still bleeding and he's walking off to get what he needs to fix his ship. To leave.
"You know I don't love you, right?" The Doctor blurts out, in an attempt to make Jack stay. The others stare at him, knowing it's so blatantly a lie but Jack doesn't question it. He glances over his shoulder to reply.
"That's always good to know." He states sincerely, fighting back a yawn. A thought occurs to him, which makes him stop and turn around to face the Doctor fully. "Why did you kiss me then?" Jack asks and the Doctor doesn't know how to answer. Quick-thinking Mickey answers for him.
"Why did Data kiss that woman?"
"You'll have to a bit more specific. For a robot, Data got a lot of women in Star Trek." Jack smiles. You've got to love Brent Spiner. Or at least, he does. Then the episode Mickey is alluring to enters Jack's head and he addresses the Doctor. "You kissed me because I looked like I could do with it?" Jack asks, astonished.
"Jack, you always look like you could do with a kiss." Sarah-Jane kisses him on the forehead, slipping her left hand into his right and in return he rests his head on her shoulder, thinking about it.
"It would explain why Rose kissed me just now." Mickey's eyes widen at that revelation. The Doctor's eyes narrow. "I'm sorry Mickey! I didn't mean… God, I'm so stupid!"
"nah, it's okay man. I forgive ya." Mickey responds but that doesn't mean Jack forgives himself. "I'm gonna go now, before I hug you." That makes Jack smile, Mickey has no intention on leaving just yet. "If you truly want my forgiveness you can let me beat you at soccer, FOOTBALL, I mean. You'll let me save some of your goals. 0900 hours tomorrow." Mickey glances at his watch. "today, in fact." Jack splutters, trying to explain how he doesn't intend on being here then but he doesn't get a chance.
"And after absorbing thousands of volts of electricity, you really should stay, for observation." The Doctor tries to resist but can't help adding, "Doctor's orders."
"I'm fine!" Jack reiterates. "My hair's a little fried, a little frizzy but I'm fine!" He removes the bloody bandage to find his hand has already started healing.
"And you're far more likely to find K9 using TARDIS technology." Rose continues with the logical arguing.
"I just want you to stay." Sarah-Jane states simply and TARDIS hums in agreement. Jack lets out a sleepy laugh. He's forgotten how good it feels to have friends. Now he's got four. Five including TARDIS. And he's too weak to push them away.
"Fine, I'll stay." Jack concedes. "Just until I've found K9." Rose squeals anyway and hugs Mickey. Sarah-Jane grips Jack's right hand slightly tighter. The Doctor lets out a sigh of relief only to find his old fear has been replaced by a whole new wave. "is anyone going to celebrate with me?"
"Sorry Jack. But after the food, after the dancing," Sarah-Jane points to her clothes, reminding Jack they're all still in their line-dancing outfits. "It's been an exhausting day, and I need to get my beauty sleep."
"nah, you're already beautiful enough." Jack charms her.
"Goodnight Jack." She laughs lightly.
"Goodnight." He kisses her goodnight and reluctantly lets her go. "Won't anybody else party with me? Rose? Mickey?" If Jack is going to stay, he doesn't want to be left alone.
"No can do Jack." Rose smirks. "Mickey and me are going to bed now. It is still my birthday after all." She grins and Jack bows his head in acceptance.
"Besides, your idea of a party is to read really cheesy poetry and watch even cheesier musicals."
"I'm sorry, Mickey. I shouldn't have made you watch it with me. I'm sorry you didn't like it." Jack apologises, unaware that the real reason Mickey is causing such a kafuffle is that Mickey actually DID enjoy it.
"I'm sure the Doctor would watch it with you." Mickey suggests, making Rose scoff and the Doctor splutter.
"He doesn't have to." Jack says abruptly. "I mean… not if he doesn't want to. It's probably best of he doesn't…" He continues to ramble whilst Rose whispers to Mickey that she'll be waiting for him in the bedroom. She leaves him to it.
"I won't kiss you again. Promise." The Doctor says, making Mickey grimace.
"Oh." Jack gasps. "I wasn't thinking of that."
"He's just thinking: if he watches a tragedy, he'll bawl like a baby; if it's a comedy, he'll giggle at the gags and squeal like a girl; if it's a musical, he'll bawl like a baby at the tragic bits, giggle like a girl at the funny bits and sing along with the songs." Mickey explains before adding to the Doctor in an aside, 'are you sure you won't kiss him now?' The Doctor goes pale. Mickey leaves chuckling.
"Don't worry Doctor. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. It's just…" Jack doesn't want to be on his own tonight. "I'll watch 'the Producers.' That always cheers me up."
"I'd like to watch it with you." The Doctor offers, just a bit too quickly.
"Are you sure? It's very camp. The Nathan Lane one, not the Gene Wilder one. We can watch the Gene Wilder one if you want. I love Gene Wilder. I love Nathan Lane. Nathan Lane is a comic genius, a great performer. And Uma Thurman is a goddess in it. But it is outrageously camp. Mickey hates me 'cos I made him watch it. I learnt my lesson and watched 'the Birdcage' alone. I got him to watch 'Isn't She Great?' though and I get where he's coming from because I did chuckle at it. Chuckle, not giggle. And I did cry, just a little, at the end. Mickey's right: I do kind of have a Nathan Lane obsession but the guy's a great actor, a great singer, a great comic, a great performer…" Jack rambles on and the Doctor realises Mickey was right about a lot of things. He's having to fight the urge to kiss Jack, just to get him to shut up.
"Just get the film." The Doctor interrupts. "your choice, since I actually don't know WHAT you're on about."
"Right." Jack realises. "900 year old Time Lord." He accepts before asking, "How could you survive without TV for 900 years?"
"I haven't. I just haven't watched every single movie and programme ever broadcast. Although, I bet you've seen shows that were never even aired!" the Doctor smiles at Jack's guilty look. "You're 28 years old! How can you know so much, so young?"
"I'm 29." Jack tells him softly. "And I don't know that much. All my knowledge is superfluous. Useless." That earns him a disbelieving stare from the Doctor.
"You're wiser than me." The Doctor admits. It's an easy thing to admit about Jack. "TARDIS prefers you to me. Seriously, she won't let me fix her when she can have your talented hands instead." Jack is about to apologises but the Doctor cuts him off. "You're the only other man she's ever trusted. That's not a bad thing. And you've been able to educate Mickey the Idiot. You can't say that you're not smart." Jack says nothing. "Choose whatever film you like, the one you'll most enjoy." The Doctor insists before adding, "And don't worry about the campness. In my Sixth regeneration I visited Pampros."
"Impressive," Jack admits in awe. "I lived there for three weeks. But when my brother got custody of me, he made us move. It's a shame because I loved it but I think it was just a bit too much for my eleven year old brother." Jack laughs.
"You're not camp!" The Doctor exclaims.
"Tell me that after you've watched the movie with me." he replies before choosing the Nathan Lane version. The Doctor sits back on the settee and relaxes. Jack starts sitting down but soon moves, acting out the action and performing the songs. He's really more entertaining than the film, even though the film is highly entertaining.
Jack is so happy, so hyper, talking a million miles a minutes, explaining all the trivia on the actors, paraphrasing the director's commentary, wishing life was really like a West End or Broadway musical, the happy ones of course. It's so endearing to see something the Captain is so passionate about. Jack should have been a singer, an actor, anything but a soldier.
Jack's so talented. He's confident too and this is a new side of Jack the Doctor hasn't seen before, not when it wasn't an act. But as enthusiastic as Jack is, he can't fight his exhaustion. By the end of the movie his head is resting on the Doctor's shoulder and he drifts off to sleep. The Doctor can't get up so TARDIS decides to play the film again, so the Doctor can watch it without Jack's lively distractions. But the Doctor is still distracted by a sleeping Jack, enjoys the weight beside him.
Jack sleeps remarkably soundly at first, but 20 minutes after the movie has finished the Captain lets out an horrific, blood-curdling scream in what sounds like a name: 'Maryanne.' The Doctor is there to comfort him. Jack cries himself to sleep only to wake up from another nightmare minutes later. He soon gives up on sleep, dries his eyes and chooses another film to educate the Doctor on. He never says what the nightmares are about and the Doctor doesn't press. He just tries to be there for him.
FIN chapter 8