It happened suddenly. One moment everything was fine. Lily and James were visiting his parents as they normally do on a Sunday for lunch and then nothing was fine. Euphemia collapsed in the kitchen. The crash of shattering plates rung about the large room. They couldn't get her to wake. Fleamont clutched at his heart. He was having a heart attack.
James and Lily were scrambling like chicken's without heads trying to figure out how to get them to the hospital. They got the house elves to apparate them out, directly into the lobby of St Mungo's. Six agonising hours in the waiting room. Sirius showed up at some point. They were all a wreck.
Euphemia and Fleamont were both diagnosed with dragon pox. Euphemia's case was severe. Fleamont's was not helped by his heart attack. They were both admitted to intensive care.
The three weeks that followed felt like a blur. They barely took note when Remus told them another student had been found petrified. They hardly read the Daily Prophet when it reported two muggle-borns missing. They scarcely cared when it was announced the Wizengamot was considering creating a military.
It all ended with a crescendoing crash.
An owl pecking at their window too early in the morning.
Euphemia and Fleamont Potter had passed away in their sleep.
Day 1: November 26, 1979
They arrived back at the house and it felt bigger to James. It felt too big.
Lily's hand was on his back and he thought she said something but he couldn't think. Couldn't feel. Couldn't hear. Couldn't talk. He couldn't find it in himself to do anything at all except stare around at this house that felt too big now. Too empty. Too joyless. Too everything it hadn't been before.
His parents were never coming home.
Day 3: November 28, 1979
"We can't just ignore what's going on," Gideon hissed. "Seven muggle-borns died that day and they deserve justice!"
The Prewett twins and Emmeline had pulled Lily aside into the less crowded library to discuss the attack at the Golden Mermaid. It felt eons away. Had it really only been three weeks? Emmeline at least had the decency to look apologetically at Lily. The boys were determined though.
"I'm sorry," Lily said, "I know this is important but they just lost their parents."
None of them were in the headspace to do work for the Order. She wanted to gesture around at the drawing room opposite the room they were sitting in which was filled with people she barely knew. All of them here to pay respects to Euphemia and Fleamont.
"I understand that and it's sad," Fabian smoothed, "but seven families lost their wife or husband or child or sibling or partner. We owe it to them to get to the bottom of this."
"Now isn't the time," Emmeline insisted. "Besides, whether it was Death Eaters or someone else, it won't change anything. Those people will still be dead. Their families will still be heartbroken."
"There's more to the attack than we think," Gideon insisted. "We need to look into it more. We need Potter and Black they were the only ones inside with eyes on-"
"Get the fuck out of my house," James stood in the doorway of the library. Lily almost sighed at the fresh bottle of firewhiskey in his hand. It seemed that had been his greatest source of comfort these last few days. Maybe she wouldn't have minded so much if she could join him but someone needed to take charge. To host the mourners who'd come by to pay their respects. To plan the funeral.
Lily perked. "There's some food in the kitchen if you're hun-"
"I want them to get the fuck out of my house," James repeated, staring daggers at the twins and Emmeline. Maybe she still would have minded. The over indulgence of firewhiskey was turning her husband into a grief filled monster.
"James," Lily sighed. "Please just-"
"My parents are dead."
"Mate, we know it's a tough time but we could really use your-"
The bottle of firewhiskey whizzed through the air before crashing against a wall leaving everyone, even those in the drawing room, silent and still. It took everything Lily had not to just squeeze her eyes shut and pretend she was elsewhere.
"I said 'leave'," James' jaw was tight, his eyes dark and moody as he glared.
Lily turned back to the group. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I think it's best you leave."
They all nodded and slowly one by one they filed out through the Floo. Lily waited until Gideon had disappeared in a flash of green before turning to face James.
"What were they doing here?"
"It was just Order business. It can wait," Lily assured.
"Damn right it can wait!" James exploded. "My parents are dead and you're worried about fucking Order business? What is wrong with you?"
Lily took a deep breath in, sucking on the sides of her mouth to stop from yelling back at him. He was hurting. He was angry. He was grieving.
He stared at her for a moment before storming off, his feet heavy on the staircase. At least he didn't have the bottle of firewhiskey anymore was Lily's final thought before she crumpled in on herself. She cried and cried and cried. Euphemia would have known what to say to make him feel better.
Lily clutched at her tummy as it pitched and knowing what it meant, she ran to the bathroom and puked her guts out as tears still streamed down her face.
She remembered when she first started throwing up. It was the second week of the nightmare with James' parents. After the fifth day, she'd found an excuse to slip away and Marlene did a work-up and she was pregnant. As easy as that.
Lily had cried that day too. Because she was terrified. Because she was happy. Because she was scared to want it. Because they were in a war and that very same day two muggleborns had gone missing. Because she didn't know the first thing about babies and how to raise one. Because this wasn't a part of the plan. Because she didn't know if her child would get to meet their grandparents. So she sat in a locked cubicle in the St Mungo's third floor bathrooms and cried and cried.
She'd cried again, four days later, when the day before Euphemia Potter had died, Euphemia gripped Lily's hand.
"How far along are you, dear?"
"Hmm?"
Euphemia looked at Lily's tummy pointedly.
"You - you know?" Lily asked surprised.
"I guessed," she winced as she shifted in the bed and Lily frowned concerned. "How far along?"
"About six weeks," Lily whispered. "I only found out a few days ago."
"I wish I'd been able," an ugly cough racked Euphemia's entire body and Lily winced, "been able to see my grandbaby."
She was looking at Lily with a pain-filled smile and Lily squeezed Euphemia's hand tighter.
"You will meet the baby," Lily insisted, it was a lie really. The healers hadn't been shy about the elderly Potters' prospects of surviving. They had told them they should 'prepare yourselves'. James, Lily, and Sirius hadn't liked that at all. So it was a lie but Lily had to hope. It was all she had. "And this baby is going to love his grammy so, so much. So you have to hold on. We need you, ma."
Euphemia brought her hand to Lily's hair, smoothing it softly.
"You don't need me," she drew in a ragged breath.
"Yes we do. I'm scared," Lily admitted barely above a whisper. "I don't know how to be a mother. I need you."
"You'll be a great mother. You'll have James. And James will have you. You'll be just fine together. I have complete faith in that," Euphemia assured her before a full blown coughing fit overtook her body and a healer shooed Lily away.
It was the last time she'd seen Euphemia awake.
Day 4: November 29, 1979
The house was full of people who'd known Fleamont and Euphemia. Sirius wanted to tell them to go away. He wanted to drown in a bottle and forget. He didn't want to talk. He didn't want to talk about them which was what everyone wanted to do. Most of all, he didn't want to think because if he did, he'd lose his goddamned mind about everything because it wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
"I'm so, so proud of you," had been one of the last things Euphemia Potter had said to him. But she was the reason why she could be proud of him. Sirius never would have made it without her son, without a safe place to fall back on, without someone to love him like a parent should love their children. The Potters were the reason why he hadn't been corrupted by his family and now, now...
James had barely left his room since the twins and Emmeline had shown up and started talking business. Sirius had never seen him so closed off — so inside his own head — but Sirius was too buried in his own grief to let worry truly sink in. Maybe Sirius was inside his own head too.
"We - we know that you've money from your uncle," Fleamont had wheezed. "B-but your ours, too, and we wanted to make sure."
"Don't," Sirius had replied pained. "You're going to be fine."
"We left you some money. Find something that makes you happy, son."
"Stay alive. That'll make me happy."
"I'm afraid," a series of coughs interrupted his speech, "I'm afraid I don't have much control over that."
Lily took bathroom breaks to cry her eyes out — she thought no one noticed but Sirius had.
Ella was supporting Lily in being hostess to all the people who'd visited to pay their respects.
Sirius just wanted to forget.
Euphemia Potter deserved to live. Fleamont Potter deserved to live. And it wasn't fair.
Day 6: December 1, 1979
She found him in the greenhouse. Euphemia's greenhouse. The three of them were beginning to feel like ghosts haunting Seaside Estate. Everyone else buzzed around, talking and sharing memories but not Sirius, Lily, and James. No. They bounced around in different rooms in a haze, lingering too long, and becoming silent observers.
Lily had searched for a break out in the cold air when Emmeline was describing to Ella the state of the two muggle-borns who'd been found dead a week and a half after they'd gone missing. They'd been brutally murdered with 'mudblood' etched into every inch of their skin and then stripped naked and thrown in the Thames to be found by unsuspecting muggles. It was all anyone was talking about in whispers around the house and as sad as it was … it felt wrong. To be sad about them when the people gathered in this house were supposed to be honouring Euphemia and Fleamont.
"How're you doing?" Lily asked sitting down next to Sirius. He would at least talk to her. Unlike her husband.
"Shit. You?"
"Shit. James, he … he won't talk to me. I feel like anything I do to try and help just makes it worse for him. I hate feeling so useless."
"You're not useless. You're doing everything you can. He just needs time."
Lily nodded her eyes tearing up. "I know. I know."
"Hey," Sirius said, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. "He'll be okay."
"He hasn't left his room in three days. If Mia were here, she'd haul him out into the sun because sunshine cures sadness but I can't even do that because it's been raining non-stop. I — urgh — I'm sorry. I'm blubbering. You lost them, too."
"I don't mind you blubbering. So long as I can blubber, too."
Lily held her hand out to propose a deal. "We get a week where we blubber to each other instead of bucking up."
He took her hand. "Deal." They sat in silence for a moment. "Neither of us are crying."
"I'm pregnant, what's your excuse?"
"Traumatised too much for one lifeti — wait, hold up. You're what?"
"Oh crap." She turned to him with wide eyes, instant regret filling them. "You have to forget you heard it! James doesn't know yet!"
"You're pregnant?"
"No! … No, you don't know that!"
"But you just said!"
"But I didn't mean to say!"
"You're pregnant!" he laughed in wonder and happiness.
"I'm pregnant," she admitted in a resigned voice.
His smile faded. "You — you're happy about it, right?"
She nodded and said, "so happy." But tears were falling from her eyes.
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because Euphemia … Mia guessed a day before she died. James went to the bathroom and I was sitting next to her and she just casually asked me how far along I was. I'd only found out a few days before and she guessed. And I'm sad that they won't be here. I remember how excited they were for you and I just, I wanted that for James. I wanted my kid to have grandparents. I wanted to have someone to ask questions to. I don't know the first thing about being a mother."
"That's not true at all. You mother me all the time."
Lily laughed. "That's not the same. I don't know how to change a diaper or - or how to swaddle a baby. I won't know what to do when it cries. I mean, it's a whole kid." She rubbed her hand under her nose as she sniffled. "Did you feel this way when Ella was pregnant?"
Sirius whistled, "All that and then some. At least you had a normal childhood with normal parents. I had nothing to go on. I'm a natural born screw-up."
Lily didn't know about a normal childhood. Finding out she was a witch hadn't been normal. But against Sirius' childhood, she knew what he meant. Besides, her baby would know all about magic and Hogwarts and Quidditch and dragons and unicorns from the moment it was born.
"What's so screwed up about your life right now?" Lily nudged him softly.
"We've started fighting again."
Lily didn't need to ask with who. She'd heard enough snippets of his and Ella fighting this past month.
"About what?"
"Nothing and everything. She's pulling away, I can feel it. I just don't know why."
"Have you tried asking her?" Lily asked softly.
"I can't … not right now at least. Mia and Monty," Sirius sighed heavily. "You know, when we announced that we were having a baby, I could tell that something was up with Mia. I asked her and she said that Ella and I were what we needed right then but that she didn't see us lasting. It hurt when she said it but now … I mean, we fight all the time! What if she was right?"
"Do you want her to be right?"
"No … I don't know. I just wish she were here. She'd know what to say."
"She always knew what to say," Lily agreed and then at the same time they said, "James always knows what to say."
"He's the glue, Lil. He'll be okay because he has to. He's going to brood for a couple more days — we'll give him that — then we're both going to haul his arse out of his room and he'll get better. You'll tell him that I'm going to be a godfather and he's going to be so happy."
"How do you know?"
"Because he finally has proof that Lily Evans had sex with him."
They looked at each other and then they both burst out laughing. The uncontrollable kind where you double over and your ribs hurt. The kind that makes you forget about everything else. The kind that can sometimes be more cathartic than having a good cry.
"You're an absolute moron," Lily heaved in laughter.
"Look at us, rising to the occasion," Sirius said after the laughter had subsided slightly. "Bucking up even though we'd given each other the week off."
Another spatter of laughter left Lily's lips. "I wouldn't call this bucking up so much as it is insanity."
Lily looked over at Sirius to see tears falling down his face. She sighed and pulled him in for a hug. "It's okay," she soothed.
"I don't get why it had to be them. Just when…" He shook his head. "So much crap in the world and them? It's not fair, Lil. Why does Walburga fucking Black get to live and Euphemia Potter doesn't? Just when I …"
"Just when you what?" she asked softly.
"Just when I thought I'd found where I belong. Found my family. It's not fucking fair."
"Death is never fair," Lily whispered, thinking about her own parents taken too soon. "But I'm here for you, Sirius. You'll always have me and James and Peter and Remus. Ella and Marlene. We're all a family."
"I know."
"Good," she told him sternly. "Because you belong right here with us and you know, you'll always have a place at-"
"At the Potters," Sirius finished. "Mia always used to say that to me."
"Mia's never wrong."
Day 7: December 2, 1979
The funeral was a big affair. Euphemia and Fleamont were prominent figures in the wizarding world and a lot of people turned up to pay their respects from Ministry officials to prominent members of big pure-blood families to Hogwarts staff. Sirius didn't know how Lily managed to organise such a large funeral in just a week. He was glad though that he hadn't had to help. Maybe that was selfish of him but he was glad.
Ella stayed by his side the whole day but when two of the best people he'd ever know were six feet under, he could not bring himself to leave. As though an invisible hand gripped him to the very ground he stood on, he quietly told Ella to go on without him.
James felt the same.
The two brothers stood staring at where their parents now lay for what seemed like hours.
"It's only been a week," Sirius said lowly, "and I already miss them so fucking much."
It was strange how death had that effect. It wasn't uncommon for Sirius to go a week without seeing them and yet he missed them right down to his bone. Missed them so much it hurt.
He didn't know how he was supposed to cope for the rest of his life without having them in his life.
James remained silent. He'd barely said a word in two days. Sirius handed him his flask and James took a deep sip before handing it back.
And they stood in stoic silence praying silent goodbyes.
Day 10: December 5, 1979
Lily was glad they'd moved back to Hogwarts. She was glad James had started to do something other than sit and drink. She was glad he'd begun to work on finding the Chamber of Secrets again. She was glad even if she still hadn't gotten more than one or two word answers out of him.
He seemed to be stuck in a loop of 'no's' and 'I'm fine's' but Lily hoped that if he got a breakthrough with Tom Riddle or the diary or the Chamber he'd snap out of the haze he'd fallen into. And so to be supportive, she'd packed a bag of things and moved into Hogwarts.
She may as well not have bothered. It never seemed like he took notice of her.
She set a plate of food by his hand and sat down next to him, resting a hand on his shoulder.
"When should we," Lily took in a deep breath, "start packing up the big house? Only the house elves are asking and I think it'd be good for you to-to get some closure. I know it sounds hard but it helped after my mum died to pack up the house."
James just continued to read the book he was reading.
"James?"
"Hmm?"
His quill scratched against the page as he put an asterisk next to a paragraph.
"I asked if you want to start thinking about packing up your parents things."
"Not now. I'm busy."
He didn't even lift his head up from the book.
Day 11: December 9, 1979
"Please just talk to me," Lily whispered quietly one morning. Her fingers softly brushed his hair off his face but he didn't move. He didn't even open his eyes.
He heard her sigh before rolling off the bed and he listened as she bustled quietly around the room as she got ready and he was glad when the door clicked closed after her.
"He up?" he heard Sirius ask her in the hallway.
"Maybe you'll have better luck than I did. Ella and I are having lunch together if you want to join."
"Maybe," Sirius allowed.
James hoped Sirius would go. Then he'd really be left in peace even if it was for a measly hour but apparently that was not in the cards.
The door opened again and Merlin help him.
"The house elves have begun packing away some things and they were wondering if we wanted to go by and set some things aside."
"No."
"James," Sirius sighed. "Come on, mate. I know it's hard and it sucks but-"
"But what?"
"You can't keep doing this. Ignoring Lily. Burying yourself in research. You're not dealing with any of this. I mean, it's your parents things, do you really want the house elves doing all of it?"
"Just fuck off," James muttered because no one understood. He just wanted to be alone. Why couldn't they understand that he just wanted to be alone?"
"Yeah, fuck you, too, buddy. I'm sure Mia and Monty are real proud with the way you're handling this."
James grabbed the photo frame from the bedside table and lobbed it at Sirius but annoyingly the git had closed the door and the frame shattered against the hard wood and trickled to the floor.
James didn't see the heartbroken look on Lily's face when she came home and found their wedding photo shattered on the floor.
Day 18: December 13, 1979
Lily eyed the bottle of firewhiskey on the table next to him and kept her lips tight. He sat by the window and didn't even look at her when she came in. She drew in a deep breath, steeling herself for a swift rejection. That's all he'd done since his parents had died — reject her.
"So I'm thinking of heading into Edinburgh for a few days," Lily said. "Xina's given me tomorrow off and Melanie and I tracked down where we think some of Mistress Campbell's books would have gone. A small off the wall library in Edinburgh and I was thinking it might be good for us to - to get away — you know a bit of a reset and-"
"Do you really think I'm in the mood for a fucking holiday? If you want to go just go."
There it was. That swift, cruel rejection. Lily licked her lips as she looked up in an attempt to stop tears from forming.
"James, I know — I know you're hurting but I really wish you'd talk to me."
"I don't want to talk about it," he gritted.
"Why?"
"You don't understand!"
"I don't understand," she laughed bitterly. "Right because who else would understand better the pain of losing your mum and dad than the girl who has lost both her parents."
"Just leave me alone! I am coping."
"You're not coping!" Lily exploded at him. "You aren't anything! We're living in a school so you and your friends can find the Chamber of Secrets and you haven't even-"
"I haven't even what?"
"You've just been pushing all of us away! I can't — I can't do this anymore. I want to be here for you, I do, but I need you to want me back, James! I can't take this anymore. You're not here."
"I'm here, okay! I'm fucking here!"
"No, you're not," she said sadly, "and it's breaking my heart."
"Fuck you. My parents are dead and you're trying to-"
"Trying to what?"
"Trying to guilt me because I don't need you!"
Lily took two steps back from him as his hard eyes stared at the floor where her feet were. Her mouth had gone dry and she knew, she knew he didn't mean it but it stung. It stung so, so much. She took another step back, her right hand hovering slightly over her stomach where their child was growing. Would this James even care?
"I'm going to," she licked her lips and swallowed hard as she tried to stop the tears that threatened to fall, "going to stay at the flat tonight. I have some, er, research I can d-do."
She turned away and she hovered at the door for a moment, her hand gripping the door knob tightly. She wanted him to stop her. She wanted him to apologise and say that he didn't mean it because she needed to hear it.
But he didn't.
Day 19: December 14, 1979
"Lily?" Sirius shouted into the flat as he walked in. "Oi, Lils! We've got a problem!" He opened the fridge and scrounged around before finding a butter beer. "Gid and Fab have kind of gone missing." He twisted the cap off and took a deep sip. "I don't think it's anything to worry about yet but Alice has asked for a few of us to be on stand-by. Vance is in total mission mode and," he frowned. She still hadn't come out of her room or even just shouted a 'hello'.
He set the butterbeer down and drew his wand out, fear sweeping in. He pushed open the bedroom door and frowned. The bed was perfectly made. What if she'd never made it to the flat? But that was ridiculous. She'd left via Floo and the network wasn't compromised.
He checked the bathroom for good measure and then went back to the kitchen where his eyes glanced over something he missed before. A sheet of folded parchment.
Gone to Edinburgh for a few days. Following up a lead on my research.
Sirius sighed.
"I guess I'm the only one with a problem."
Sirius finished his butterbeer.
It was raining in Edinburgh and it took a lot of walking and talking to strangers to eventually track Lily down but he found her in the back of an old dingy library hidden from muggles in Old Town Edinburgh.
"How'd you find me?"
His answer had to wait when she suddenly brought a hand to her mouth and then up and bolted for the toilet.
"You okay?" he asked her when she got back.
She nodded. "Just morning sickness. It's really picked up the last few days. I think your cologne set it off this time."
In a way of apology he cast a scent masking spell around him and she sighed in relief before repeating her previous question.
"You said Edinburgh. Why're you here, Lily?"
"I just, I need some space because my husband is disappearing in front of me and I'm scared, Sirius."
"So you're hiding from him? Lily, he needs you."
"I just, I don't know if it's the hormones or-or everything else but I just can't handle James looking at me like that anymore. It's like he doesn't even see me anymore and everything I say or do to try and help him just seems to make it worse and I hate this. I hate this so much."
"Lily, he loves you. You know he does. Have you told him about the baby? Maybe it'll snap him out of it?"
"How can I tell him now? He's so … destroyed and angry and kids were never in the plan. Not yet. And what if he leaves? What if he doesn't want this anymore? What if I have to raise this baby alone?"
"Hey, none of that. You're not alone and this kid is going to have the best parents. James will get his shit together. He will and when he does, he'll be so, so happy. I promise."
"I miss him, Sirius."
"I know. Me too."
She rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes. "He told me he didn't need me but I need him. I need him so much. I can't do this on my own."
"Let me take you back to Hogwarts. I don't like the thought of you alone in Edinburgh especially in your condition."
"Sirius, I'm pregnant not an invalid."
"I know for a fact that even Marlene isn't too happy with how sick you've been getting so I'd appreciate it if you'd come back to Hogwarts or even to the flat where your friends can find you."
"You and Adams talking about me behind my back?"
"We're just worried."
Lily sighed and closed the book she was reading. "Fine. I can't even concentrate on what I'm reading anyways."
Lily wouldn't stay in the Marauders' chambers though thinking some space from James would be good for both of them. Instead she set up in Mary's common room which was fine by Sirius because he needed to talk sense into his best mate and he didn't want Lily overhearing.
Sirius stormed into the common room where James was reading.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Sirius asked. "Lily-"
"Lily left," James snarled.
"Because you pushed her away like you pushed me away, and Remus, and Peter. There's only so much she can take, James, for god's sake, she's," Sirius stopped himself because as tempting as it was to say it to slap some sense into his best mate, he knew it wasn't his place. "I get it, James. They died and it is devastating and unfair but it's life."
"You don't get it. You — they weren't your parents!"
"They were as good as," Sirius said firmly. James could say whatever the hell he wanted to Sirius. Sirius had been told worse before and he could take it. He wasn't leaving until James had a new sense knocked into him. "They were as good as and you're my brother. As your brother … I'm telling you to pull yourself out of whatever hole you're in before you lose her. She's scared, James. She needs to know that you're here for her."
"Of course, I'm here for her," James clicked with annoyance, like it should've been obvious.
"And telling her you don't need her is being there for her?" James' jaw twitched. "What? Going to tell me to 'fuck off' again? You could try, it'll only leave you with a sore jaw and I'm not so sure you don't deserve it because frankly, you're being a prick."
"Fuck you, I'm entitled to cope in my own way."
"So you're coping by being an asshole to your wife? Your mum would be ashamed."
"Don't!" James shouted. "Just don't!"
"Truth hurts, James," Sirius headed to the cabinet where he knew they'd hidden a bottle of firewhiskey and poured himself a glass, "and I'm an honest man." He downed the glass before filling it up again. He set the glass next to James. "Pick yourself up and go fix things with your wife, else you'll have another thing to feel sorry for yourself about."
Day 21: December 15, 1979
Lily had confined herself to Mary's chambers. It was cowardly and she knew it but she couldn't bare to face James and his empty stare just yet. But with Remus and Peter in the other common room with James and with Sirius and Mary scoping out the second floor, Lily was alone. Alone and miserable.
She'd puked no less than six times since she'd woken up and she was at wits end at what to do. Surely morning sickness shouldn't be this bad? Her stomach had seemed to settle for the moment so she tried her hand at eating a few biscuits and some water and then decided some fresh air might also do her some good.
She pressed her ear to the door just to make sure he wasn't in the hallway before stepping out and she walked quickly until she'd turned the first corner. She began to walk at a leisurely pace with no true destination in mind.
In eleven years, give or take some, her child would be walking through these halls as a student. The thought seemed bizarre. The little bean inside her would one day be a whole person with a personality who could talk and walk and just be.
She wondered who she would look like. Or he. She didn't even know what she'd prefer. Boy or girl. A boy would be bound to take after James in his love for Quidditch and tendency towards mischief. Though she supposed the same could be said for a girl. She realised she didn't much mind if it was a boy or a girl. Would they have her eyes or his? His hair or hers?
A familiar pitch in her stomach had her sighing. Knowing she was about to throw up the biscuits she'd just eaten, she quickly bolted for the closest bathroom.
After spilling her guts into the toilet, she wiped her mouth with some toilet paper and flushed the toilet. She slowly stood but rested against the cubicle for a moment. Even though she'd vomited the nausea hadn't seemed to have passed and her head felt like it had left her body.
After what seemed like several minutes she slowly made her way to the sinks and twisted the tap on only to frown when no water came out.
Strange. She tried twisting it on and off again to no avail.
She widened her eyes as her vision seemed to blur for a moment and blinked hard and fast a few times before leaning on the sink.
She really didn't feel good. Maybe Sirius had a point about not being alone in Edinburgh. With her head turned to the side and resting on her arm she tried to open her eyes slowly. Her vision slowly blurred back into focus but she frowned at what she was staring at.
In her haste to investigate further, she stood up. Too fast, she realised.
"Hold up a second. I really need to pee."
"Seriously, Mac?"
"It'll only take a minute and the bathrooms are right here."
"Uh huh, enjoy peeing with Moaning Myrtle as your witness."
She flipped him off.
"Ask her how she died!" he shouted after her but she only flipped him off again without even turning back to face him.
She opened the door and it hadn't even swung fully closed behind her when she shouted, "Sirius!" in a panicked voice.
Sirius rushed in, wand up, and his eyes widened at the sight of Lily unconscious on the floor.
"Is she … is she-?"
Sirius knelt beside Lily and pressed two fingers to her neck. If she was petrified she'd have a slow pulse. If she was dead — no. She wasn't dead. Please don't be, please don't be, please don't—
"She isn't petrified," he sighed in relief at the feel of a normal pulse beating against his fingers. "I think she fainted. I should get her to Mungo's."
"I'm sure Pomfrey would be happy to have a look at her."
"She hasn't been feeling well recently and Marlene's been looking after her. I need you to stay here and cover. I doubt James will pull his head out of his arse long enough to notice anything amiss but Remus and Peter. They can't know Lily's in Mungo's."
"What? Why?"
"Just, no one can know. Please," Sirius pleaded. "Just - just tell them that she'd gone back to the flat and that I went with her to grab some things."
"I, I don't know, Sirius. You want me to lie?"
"Just until she comes to and decides for herself who she wants to tell. Please, Mary, promise me."
She nodded her head and with that sorted Sirius wasted no time in calling for Twinkle and with a pop and crack he was holding Lily in the lobby at St Mungo's.
At St Mungo's, Marlene rushed them through admission and broke protocol to let Sirius sit with an unconscious Lily whilst Marlene examined her.
"Her vitals all seem normal," Marlene finally concluded. "But I'd say she's got a severe case of morning sickness."
"Why-?"
"It could be anything," Marlene considered, "but the stress from the last month probably hasn't helped. Travelling from Hogwarts to London," Marlene sighed. "It could be a number of things."
"Can you wake her?"
"She's not under any sedatives so she'll wake when she's ready."
"I'm, er, I'll sit with her for a while if you don't mind."
"She hasn't told James yet, has she?"
Sirius shook his head.
"You can stay with her as long as you like. I'll check in in a little bit."
Day 22: December 16, 1979
His head was pounding. He turned in bed and noticed Lily hadn't come back again.
Sirius's words echoed in his head. Your mum would be ashamed.
He'd been an arse. He knew he hadn't been treating Lily fairly. She'd done everything. She'd been perfect. She'd hosted his family and his parents friends. Had organised the funeral. Had handled everything. He just couldn't talk about it.
His parents weren't here anymore and he couldn't talk about it. He couldn't pack up his parents things. He couldn't go on holiday to reset. He couldn't talk Order business with the Prewett twins. He couldn't even cry. To do any of that would be to admit it. To move on even.
He wasn't ready. And Lily had been there every day holding out a hand to help him through it but he didn't want to go through it. He wanted to go back. Back to when his parents were alive.
Go fix things with your wife, else you'll have another thing to feel sorry for yourself about.
Maybe it was time to talk. If he couldn't do anything else he could talk to Lily because it was Lily. And he'd been an arse. And she deserved to at least understand why he was acting like this. She deserved a lot more than that.
So he let himself wallow in his own patheticness for another twenty minutes before rolling out of bed. He changed into jeans and an old wrinkled shirt before heading into the common room.
Sirius was there.
"I'm, er, I'm going to see Lily," James announced.
"James," Sirius sighed. "I don't think that's a good idea."
James frowned. Just two days ago Sirius had practically been threatening him to go and fix things with Lily.
"What do you mean? She's my wife."
"James, sit. I need to tell you something." James sat down. "Lily was admitted into St Mungo's yesterday morning. She's fine but-"
"What?" James asked, panic and worry firmly seeping in. He'd know if Lily was in St Mungo's. "What do you mean — why didn't you tell me this yesterday? What's wrong with Lily?"
"Mary found her passed out yesterday — she's absolutely fine, she fainted but the healers kept her there for observation and have advised her to keep out of stressful situations because…"
"Because why?" James demanded, anger slowly building that no one had told him his wife was sick but also thinking the worst after the last two family members who'd been admitted to St Mungo's had never come out.
"Because she's suffering from severe morning sickness," Sirius said the words in a rush and James stared as the words slowly processed in his brain.
"M-morning sickness," James repeated slowly.
"She's pregnant, James."
"Why didn't you — Why didn't you tell me?" James accused. "Lily's in the hospital and you just let me — what the fuck?"
"She didn't want you to worry."
"And you listened to her?"
"Mate, the healers said she needed rest and quiet. I was just doing what I thought was best considering her condition."
"I need to see her," James said immediately, jumping up and pacing. "Did she know for long that she was pregnant?"
"She found out a few days before your parents died."
"That's — that was almost four weeks ago," James said.
"I know."
"I - and she told you?"
"She didn't mean to. She was worried about you and it sort of came out. She swore me to secrecy though until she could tell you. And Marlene knows since she's her healer until she finds a proper baby doctor."
"I need to - to go to Mungo's. She's been telling me that she needed me and I've — I've been such an idiot."
"Yeah, you have but before you go. You need a shower and fresh clothes. And don't go heavy on the cologne. She doesn't react well to it, trust me."
Lily was flicking through the copy of Witch Weekly Marlene had bought her from the shop on the fourth floor. At the moment, it was the only thing in the bare room to entertain Lily and she welcomed anything that stopped her mind from thinking about Euphemia and Fleamont. And James.
She'd woken up yesterday about four hours after she'd fainted. Sirius had been sitting, pale with worry, beside her bed in the little plastic chair the hospital supplied.
"Thank Merlin," Sirius sighed when she said his name.
"W-what happened?"
"Mary found you passed out in the bathroom. You scared the devil out of me."
"The," her throat seized, "the baby?"
"All fine," Sirius promised. "Marlene says you've been suffering from severe morning sickness. It's why you fainted. She says you should take it easy but other than that, you're fine."
She nodded once then again. "Don't tell James."
"Lily, he'd want to know."
"Not like this," she insisted because despite everything, she knew James would feel guilty and she was fine. There was no use putting another burden on his shoulders. "Please don't tell him."
Sirius reluctantly agreed and then he sat with her for another hour. Marlene, the only other person who knew she was pregnant, came in and out throughout the day to check on her but other than that, Lily was on her own.
So she flicked through mindless magazines meanwhile wishing Sirius would have agreed to bring some of her research to the hospital but Marlene had said that 'research wasn't resting' and the traitor sided with her. James would've snuck it in. He knew how boring it could be to sit in a hospital bed all day.
Lily sighed and closed the magazine she was reading. This was all hopeless. Her mind just always went back to James. It would always go back to James she knew.
And then he was there. His face looked ragged and pale. His hair was messier than usual and he stared at her with wide eyes.
"Hi," he said softly from where he stood at the door frame.
"Who blabbed? Marlene or Sirius?" she considered for a minute. "Or Mary?"
"You're pregnant."
"Well, that rules out Mary." She could see the worry and guilt gnawing at him and held out her hand to him. "Come here."
He did, bringing the little plastic chair that Sirius usually occupied right beside her bed. He took her hand in both of his and pressed a kiss to it.
"You should have told me. I don't know what I would've done if something had happened and I didn't even know."
"Hey, I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine. I promise. You think Sirius would have agreed not to tell you if something was seriously wrong with me?"
"I should have been here."
"You're here now," Lily soothed easily, her other hand resting on his head so she could play with his hair.
"I'm so sorry, Lily."
"It's okay. I get it. It's okay."
"No, I never should have shut you out. I was so stupid. I just, I'm not ready to - to face it and I took it out on you and the boys and I'm an idiot and an arse."
"It's okay," Lily repeated, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "You're here now and that's all that matters. You're here now."
"I love you, Lily."
She pressed another kiss to his forehead. "I love you more."
"I love you most." He leaned up to kiss her properly and she held his face there for a moment.
"Mm, I've missed you," she whispered, giving him another, longer kiss.
"I'm sorry," he whispered but she just silenced him again with a kiss.
"And I think that's all we should tempt fate today lest I throw up in your mouth."
He slowly sat back down and glanced at her tummy. "So you're really, er, pregnant?"
"Yeah," she said softly.
"Bit earlier than planned." She waited with baited breath to see if he was angry or scared or— His hand rested on her stomach and her hand went to his hair as he bent down to kiss her tummy right where the baby was. Her heart filled with more love and happiness than she'd ever thought possible, and she bent down to hug him.
They were together. Their own little family.
"Do you think it's too early to buy them a broom?"
And Lily laughed because for right now everything was perfect. She knew it wouldn't last. James still had a long way to go in dealing with his grief for his parents and there was a war raging around them but Euphemia was right. She always was. Lily had James. And James had Lily. And they were going to be just fine.