HONKS
Title: Harco, Honks, and Hellatrix
Author: 2NiteItBeginz
Pairing: Harry/Tonks
Disclaimer: I do not own anything you recognize as being from Harry Potter. It all belongs to JK Rowling, the bitch...
Warnings: A bit of swearing to come, not in this chapter, but in the next few, probably... Some slash, for Harco, and maybe some others.
Summary: This is my plot bunny for a series of oneshots making parodies of some of the more unusual pairings in HP fanfiction. Please understand that I'm not trying to undermine anyone's fic preferences, this is just a fun thing I'm doing in my spare time, so please don't flame me because I hate your favorite pairings, I don't. In fact, I rather enjoy a few of these.
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"Tonks? What in the name of all that is holy and sacred are you doing?"
"...Kissing you."
"I had kind of already realized that part, Tonks. But why are you kissing me?"
Nymphadora Tonks pouted and then gave Harry a disbelieving look.
"Because we're meant to be together, silly! Even though I'm twenty – three and you're barely sixteen, and it's probably illegal and might lose me my job, I just can't help it! We've bonded so much this summer over our mutual grief over Sirius's death that I've gone and fallen in love with you and your gorgeous body!"
Harry blinked.
Nope.
He blinked again, harder.
It was no use; Tonks was still standing in front of his bed on Privet Drive, looking at him with an expectant, hopeful look on her face. Even her hair seemed anxious, as it kept changing from blue to green to a strange shade of violet and back again.
"Guh," was his intelligent response.
Tonks apparently took this to mean, "Yes, my love, we belong together and I want you to bear my children," because she gave a loud squeal and leaped onto him, practically glomping him to death.
Once Harry got his brain (and his lungs) fully functioning again, he looked at Tonks peculiarly and said, "There are so many things wrong with that, I don't know where to begin."
"Oh, love," Tonks sighed, either missing or deliberately ignoring Harry's suddenly alarmed look, "Don't worry about the age difference, it's only about seven years."
"That wasn't really my main concern, but I'll roll with it. Seven years is a lot to a minor," Harry pointed out.
"Tosh," Tonks dismissed with a wave of her hand.
"Alright, first of all, this is the first time I've even seen you all summer. I've talked to Dudley more than I've talked to you. Unless you Obliviated me of it, we haven't had any 'bonding'. And second of all? Gorgeous body? Have you been having a go at the Firewhiskey? I'm pale, scrawny, short, and I haven't eaten in about four days. I wasn't aware that was the style."
"Oh, yeah! Well, the scrawny, pale thing, anyway."
"Aaaaaand she's totally missed the point."
"Hey! I'm still standing right here!"
"I know, you puffed up moron! I'm hoping that if I insult you enough, you'll go the bloody hell away and I can wake up from this really strange dream."
"Oh, Harry," Tonks cooed sympathetically, "We'll start with getting rid of that nasty inferiority complex."
Harry blanched. This was just not his day.
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Heya! Hope this was OK, please read and review. Though, if you're at this point, you've probably already read, so, review!