Maureen, my dearest POOKIE...
When I'm holding my camera, this is not a good time to start whining. You can wait. I have better things to do than wait on you hand and foot, go entertain yourself with a salad and porn. Just give me thirty minutes, please?
When I'm sitting on the couch, holding my beloved camera, this is not the time to sit and stare at me. Stop talking about how I pale I am or how big my head is. I know it's huge, but as my girlfriend, it's something you needn't to point out. Do I point out how much of a whore you look like when you drag me to a club? No, I don't think so.
Please don't go around talking to people about my performance in bed. It's not a dinner conversation to have when we're out with the guys. That goes for talking about your vibrator too; just no.
I've always tried to please you every time you start whining. If you're wondering why I can never keep an erection, think about that before you whine at me in bed.
You do not pick out my clothes for me; I am a grown man. I do not need your help.
No, I am not wearing your panties, stop asking.
When I tell you I don't have the money at that moment to buy you your new boots, don't bitch at me. I have better things to spend my money on, if I had any. Get a job yourself.
Not everything has to be a protest. When we don't have milk in the fridge, that is not the time to pull a hunger strike. Just sit back down and I'll get it later. That also means stop taking Mimi's handcuffs and cuffing yourself to the fridge door. No, Maureen, no.
I know you have no problem over being nude, but put a shirt on when guest come over? Especially when it's my parents? Don't think they haven't forgotten that.
Don't touch my scarf. Simple.
You're not getting a pet cow, so forget it. And no, for the forty-second time, it will not fit in the loft.
If you must get drunk, please do it in a quiet room...alone? I think you scare everyone when you try to rape them; don't think my parents haven't forgotten that either.
When something is funny, there is no need to hit them while laughing. It hurts and looks spastic. Seriously.
When we visit Mimi at Cat Scratch, stop trying to get up there and dance. That has gotten you thrown out more than once.
One last thing: Pookie. Do not call me that, it's degrading.
Over-all, I do love you, Maureen. I think.