Okay, so I suck. I was out of town all week, being a counselor at a camp, and I thought I'd get a chance to use a computer there as usual but didn't, and I didn't have a chance to update either this or Sky Blue and Black (which will be updated within the next day or two) before I left. So anyway, I'm sorry. Thanks everyone for all the AWESOME reviews. Please review this. It's long, which I hope makes up for being late a little.
Something's scratching it's way out
Something you want to forget about
No one expects you to get up
All on your own with no one around
The Fray "Little House"
Chapter Two
Derek followed Cristina back into the room to see Meredith's friends telling her goodbye.
They shot looks at Derek as they left the room that could be considered warnings, Cristina in particular.
Meredith was noticeably freaked out, so Derek walked over to her bed, smiling reassuringly at her and taking her hand. "You okay?"
She nodded, giving a smile that appeared to take a lot of effort to hold. "It's just…I feel like someone's going to tell me this is a joke." She bit her lips slightly, and Derek's heart was breaking for the confusion she must be feeling, and for the hurt he knew was coming.
Instinctively, he moved next to her on the bed, half lying and half sitting next to her, and wrapped his arms around her. She nuzzled her face into his neck, relaxing slightly.
His heart was pounding wildly, expecting her to question them at any time. He wonders briefly why she hadn't yet asked the state of their relationship, but quickly realized that she had no reason to. The reality of the lost year clearly hadn't set in yet, and (apart from the surprise by the kiss) Derek hadn't acted as if they weren't dating.
He kissed her hair and whispered, "You should get to sleep, Mer. I know you're in pain." He gritted his teeth; there was something ominous about the last sentence, because, for once, it seems like more pain is going to come as the "recovery" progressed.
Meredith, obviously groggy, began to drift off to sleep, feeling temporarily safe in Derek's arms, reassured by his behavior that some things hadn't changed, that they had obviously grown stronger.
Derek didn't know what to do, though. He knew he was misleading her, but what was he supposed to say? He couldn't just come out and tell her they weren't together anymore, and she'd figure out why soon enough.
And then there was the selfish part of him that wanted to savor these moments.
He couldn't sleep that night, so he didn't mind that the hospital bed's edge is uncomfortable. He just sat there, holding Meredith, wanting desperately to protect her from what was coming for as long as he could.
Every once in awhile he had to suppress a groan as he recalled something that she would soon be remembering. Addison walking up, of course. The way he hadn't signed the papers when he'd said he would. Her asking him to pick her. The night of the train accident. The bomb. Him calling her a whore. Prom night. Finn. What happened after prom…
He winced. It would have to be this particular year.
Well, he had no one to blame but himself. Everything bad that happened to her, with the exception of people exploding in front of her, had been his fault. Him and a string of his bad decisions.
Even if Meredith had her memory she wouldn't know that he'd spent the past month drowning in self-hatred for everything that had happened.
XXXXXXX
Cristina, George and Alex were spread out around the living room in the house Meredith, Izzie, and George shared.
"Can you believe Shepard?" George commented vehemently. "Taking advantage of the fact that she thinks they're dating?"
Izzie entered from the kitchen in time to hear this comment and said, laying a plate of brownies on the coffee table, "Well, to his credit, what was he supposed to say when she asked him to stay? 'Sorry, Mer, but we broke up because of my secret wife.'"
George shook his head. "Still…"
Alex took a brownie and licked the icing off. His mouth full, he mumbled, "This is pretty bad."
"Jesus, Evil Spawn, close your mouth." Cristina stared in disgust at the chewed up brownie that shifted every time Alex said a word.
Izzie ignored Cristina and answered Alex. "Yeah, it's bad. I mean, especially…this year, you know? Addison coming. Derek picking Addison. The bomb. The-"
"We know!" Cristina interrupted. " Believe me, we know. There's no need to recap."
"Well, excuse me." Izzie glared at her. "Just think of how bad she got at the beginning of the McDreamy crap. She's going to go through it all again."
"And that's why he shouldn't be lying to her!" George put in.
"What is he supposed to do!" Izzie was yelling suddenly. "How the hell is anyone supposed to know how to act in this situation, especially him!
George stared at her in disbelief. Izzie's attitude towards Shepard had been the same as the rest of them. "Why are you defending him? Shepard, of all people!"
"Because he gets to gets to go back to the time of his life when he was with the person he loves and everything was okay, and who can blame him? It's a lie, and it's going to hurt him in the long run, but…who the hell can blame him for pretending? Most of us don't get the chance to even pretend, and I wish I had that chance…" Izzie looked upset and George threw a look at Cristina and Alex for help.
"Iz…" Alex said softly, then stopped talking. What do you say to something like that?
Cristina found her voice first. "There's a difference, though. Shepard screwed up. He made all the mistakes. He's lost his right to pretend."
"He loves her." Izzie whispered, her eyes closing. "I'm not saying it's right…it'll probably make it even harder for Mer, if that's possible. But…I don't blame him."
Silence fell on all of them for a while, then Alex tentatively spoke, "What about us? What are we supposed to tell her? She'll ask…"
"Anybody want to volunteer to be the one to explain everything?" Cristina raised her eyebrows. "Didn't think so."
"I don't like lying to her." George muttered.
"So we won't lie. We'll just say what Shepard said earlier, about how it's better if she remembers on her own."
"It's not our place to tell her." Izzie agreed.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith woke up early, the pain in her head not quite as bad as when she'd fallen asleep. Derek's arms were around her, and while it felt good, it must have been making him uncomfortable. Turning her face toward him, she asks, "Did you stay like that all night?"
He looked startled, but then smiled down at her. "Yeah."
"You couldn't have slept."
"Ah, I grabbed a wink or two. Wasn't feeling too tired." He leaned down and kissed her softly. "How are you feeling this morning?" He sat up and grabbed her chart.
Meredith watched him carefully. "Better." To herself she added, scared. Everything terribly recent felt fuzzy. She had a dim recollection of working in the hospital, but nothing about the car accident. It didn't seem possible, though, that an entire year was gone. Seeing Derek's trailer…that felt like a few nights ago.
"Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"What…what aren't you telling me?"
He looked at her, startled, his face reddening slightly. "Huh?"
"I know you, Derek. What…what do I need to know? About the…the last year." It sounded so strange to say that.
Derek lowered his eyes to the chart. "I told you, Mer, it's better if-"
"I remember on my own." She finished for him, her voice flat. "But something's wrong."
There was a catch in his voice that did nothing to ease her worries. "Everything's fine."
A thought occurred to her. "Derek, um, my mother. Is she still…"
Derek relaxed, glad he could give her some good news that was at least honest. "She's fine."
"Good." She studied him, aching slightly at the expression in his eyes. There is something wrong. She thinks of the possibilities, and her heart sank as she realized they're endless; a lot can happen in a year. Her eyes filled with tears, the painful reality hitting at last. Suddenly, Meredith is unable to fight a feeling of horrible emptiness and confusion.
Derek glanced at her. "Mer…" He sat back on the edge of the bed, squeezing her hand reassuringly.
"Tell me that everything's okay." She begged him. "You look so worried. And everyone, last night…they looked freaked out. And not just the amnesia…you probably told them there was the possibility of that. There's something else." He looked away. "Derek?"
"Um…" His mouth was dry. He had dreaded questions like this. Meredith knew him too well to not see the terror hanging over him. He couldn't come up with any excuses, so he whispered honestly, "I don't really know what to say to you, Mer. I don't know how to handle this anymore than you do."
"Oh." She blinked hard, keeping the tears back. So he wasn't disputing her anymore that something was wrong. She sighed shakily, then asked softly, desperately, "Just tell me one thing, Derek. You and me…well, where are we? Relationship-wise."
His eyes darkened slightly, panic choking him. There was no point in lying; she'll be remembering in a few days. Words ran through his mind, words that were mature and honest without giving away too much. I screwed up a lot the past year…
But he didn't want to stop pretending before her had to. He wanted to protect Meredith while he still had to control. So instead, he said, "I've been in love with you this whole time. Nothing's changed there." He tried desperately to shake the feeling of guilt. Nothing he'd said was untrue; in fact he never believed anything so much in his life. Still. It felt misleading. Because it didn't really answer her question. He'd learned that how he felt about Meredith said nothing about them, "relationship-wise."
She was smiling up at him, though. Her voice is quiet. "You never said that before." When his eyes became questioning, she clarified. "Love. You haven't said…oh." She paused. "Never mind. You probably had, in the year…"
He laughed nervously. The truth is, he had only told Meredith he loved her once, recently. This seemed absurd for him to realize, since it was loving her that had consumed him for so long. He'd told Addison, several times, that he loved Meredith. But as for Meredith herself, only once…and it had made her cry.
"Then I'll say it more to make up for it." He kissed her gently. "I love you." He smiled and she returned it.
Meredith was relieved. She knows there's more she isn't being told, but Derek was what she was most concerned about.
"When do I get to go home?"
"Hmmm?" Derek was deep in thought. "Oh, um, should be within the next day or two."
"And…" She hesitated. "My memory? When will I start-"
"The next day or two." He repeated. "It might come slower at first, but then things will begin to return more quickly." His pager went off. "Crap. I have to go, Mer, okay? I'll come back by later…you just focus on feeling better." She smiled uncertainly at him. Derek seemed to be alternating between being his usual sweet, romantic self and being nervous, formal and vague.
"If you see Cristina and everyone…can you ask them to come by? You know, if they get a chance?" Maybe they would tell her whatever it was Derek was omitting.
"I'm sure they'll be by anyway, Mer, but I'll tell them when I see them." He gave her one more quick kiss before leaving the room.
Meredith sighed and leaned back against her pillow, watching him leave.
About forty minutes later, Cristina and Izzie entered the room, wearing their scrubs. "Hey!"
"Hi." Meredith paused, then decided to launch right in. "Look, I need you guys to be honest with me. What is it that everyone's not telling me?"
Christina and Izzie exchanged a look, and Christina spoke carefully, "Well, we're not telling you a lot, Mer. A year's a lot of stuff."
"You know what I mean." She retorts, annoyed. "Something that's a big deal. McDreamy's acting all nervous."
Another look was exchanged, and Meredith's annoyance was rising. "Listen, I've just found out that an entire year has gone by and I might as well have slept through it."
"Okay, okay." Cristina sat down in the chair next to the bed. "Yes, a year is a long time. And this past one was pretty eventful. But-"
"But, we're not supposed to tell you anything big." Izzie finished. "It's really complicated, catching you up on a year. And it can confuse you when your memory starts returning."
Meredith glared at them in frustration. She was finding it hard not to get angry at everyone, even though she knew that they had no more experience with something like this then she did.
"We can fill you in on some smaller stuff, though." Cristina added helpfully.
Meredith sighed. Smaller stuff wasn't what she was concerned about. But then she decided that anything was better than nothing, so she agreed, "Go ahead."
"Um…" Cristina paused, looking at Izzie for suggestions.
"Cristina's living with Burke."
"What!" Temporarily forgetting her frustrations, Meredith stared at Cristina. "You and Burke? For how long?"
"Since a little before you can remember. The night after that party at your house."
"After all the crap you've been giving me about dating an attending?"
Cristina smiled, but couldn't help feeling unsettled by Meredith's choice of tense…as if it all happened recently, which, to Meredith, it had. "Yep."
"Okay, what else?"
"Dr. Bailey had a baby." Izzie said.
"When?"
"Couple months ago. A boy." Cristina answered.
"We're friends with Alex now."
"Really?" She glanced at Cristina. "Even you?"
"Sort of."
"George dates Dr. Torress." Izzie added, now wracking her brain for information to both discourage further questions and help Meredith feel a little more caught up.
"Who?"
"Oh, right, you don't…um, she's an orthopedic surgical resident. Callie. They're dating."
"Do we like her?"
"Izzie doesn't."
"I don't mind her." Izzie glanced at Meredith. "Except that she peed in front of us."
"What!"
"And didn't wash her hands."
"Ew!"
"I know."
Cristina grinned slightly.
Meredith was beginning to relax a little. "What else?"
"The nurses went on strike at the hospital months ago…"
"George did open heart surgery on a GSW by himself in an elevator when the power went off…
"Alex was in there, too, but he chickened out."
"Wow."
"Yeah." Izzie paused slightly, searching her brain. Most of what comes to mind for both her and Cristina that isn't too personal are medical cases.
"Alex failed a part of his medical boards the first time and we all helped him study, especially you…"
"We all treated a patient who had quints…"
"There was this train accident and these two people got attached by a pole…"
"We tried to steal a case where this guy looked like he was pregnant, but it turned out it was an adult terrotoma…"
"Addison put Alex exclusively on the vagina squad for like a month…"
"We had a woman with spontaneous orgasms…"
"Wait a second." Meredith interrupted. "How did Alex fail a board, what happened to the people on the pole, and who's Addison?"
Cristina glared at Izzie, whose face reddened slightly.
Speaking in a would-be casual voice, Izzie said slowly, "Alex failed his practical, and you got everyone to help him and he passed."
"One of the people on the pole died because we moved her backwards off of it, but the man lived."
"And Addison is a new surgeon. Neo-natal, that area."
"Resident?"
"Yeah. She transferred."
"Nice?"
Cristina could feel Izzie looking at her, and wished she could shout at her to be cool. "She's okay."
"Oh." Meredith leaned back in her bed. "Anything else?"
Cristina and Izzie exchanged a look. Wordlessly, they agreed to not say anything else; even what they had told had turned risky. "Not really."
"Oh…well, thanks. For telling me something. Even if it was just the little things."
Izzie smiled slightly at her. "No problem. Sorry we can't help more. I know it's so confusing right now."
"It is." Meredith repeated softly.
Cristina smiled sympathetically at her and touched Meredith's arm lightly, which for her is a big sign of affection and understanding. "Hang in there. You'll be okay."
"Thanks guys."
"We should go."
"Okay. See you."
Izzie noted the dejected undertone to Meredith's voice. "We'll come back and visit. George and Alex, too. And you know Shepard will be around."
"Yeah. Thanks. Have fun rounding." Meredith managed a slight grin.
"Oh, it'll be a blast."
They shot smiles back at her as they left.
Meredith sat in bed, going over everything they'd told her. Cristina and Burke. George and some new doctor. A new neo-natal resident.
And that was just the "little stuff". Those were facts, not incidents, nothing big.
She lay there for awhile, trying to relax, when Dr. Bailey walked in.
"Morning."
"Oh, hey Dr. Bailey."
"How you holding up?"
"I'll be okay."
"Glad to hear it." Dr. Bailey smiled slightly. "Shepard been here?"
"Yeah." Meredith smiled. "He's been great." She watched Dr. Bailey carefully as her expression darkened momentarily. Though she was beginning to realize that any questioning would prove useless, she couldn't resist asking, "What?"
"Sorry?"
"What is it? You just…you had a look." Feeling ridiculous, Meredith added, "I mean…I can tell with everyone. What is it everyone isn't telling me." Bailey opened her mouth, but Meredith cut her off. "And don't say they aren't telling me a lot because a year's a long time. I know that. But what is it that's got everyone so freaked?"
Dr. Bailey hesitated, then gave her a small smile. "Do me a favor, Meredith. Don't spend too much time stressing about what you've missed. It won't do you any good, and you'll remember soon anyway."
"But-"
"I've got to go see a patient." She paused, wanting to warn Meredith to be careful, but knew that would just confuse her and scare her more. "I'll see you later."
And Meredith was left alone again.
XXXXXXXXX
Derek was on his way back to her hospital room when Addison appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, in front of him.
Fixing him with an expressionless gaze, she spoke shortly, "I heard about Meredith."
"Thought we weren't talking."
"Derek."
"What?"
"I heard about Meredith. She doesn't know about me yet. She doesn't remember anything you've done."
"Thanks so much for the recap." Derek replied dryly.
"What are you doing about it?"
Derek looked her directly in the eyes and said in a flat voice. "That's none of your business, Addison."
"Maybe not, but I know you. Be careful. I know what you're thinking-"
"You don't know any-"
"-I know that you're trying to figure out a way to make this work in your advantage. You're trying to figure out how to win her back with this."
Derek felt the color rising to his face, out of either anger or embarrassment. "Stay out of it."
"Fine. But for once in your life, try thinking of someone else."
"That's not fair, Addison." His annoyance was increasing as the conversation progressed.
Ignoring him, Addison pressed on, "This is going to be hard on Meredith without you messing with your head. Maybe you should back off and give her space until she knows the whole story. What you're doing isn't fair-"
"Shut up." He snapped harshly, his voice shaking slightly. He was using anger to cover the fear that Addison might be right, and the guilt that came because he knew he was going to ignore the advice. "You don't get to stop speaking to me for weeks, even though we said no hard feelings, and then just out of the blue give me a sermon on something that's none of your business. And you really don't get to pretend like you care anything about Meredith-"
"I do care about Meredith." She said, her tone calm but her eyes blazing. "I know what it's like to be hurt by you."
Derek was silent for a moment, then added, simply because he was sick of Addison playing the victim who did nothing wrong, "Likewise."
She started to give him a snapping reply but closed her mouth. "Fair enough." She paused, opened her mouth, then shut it again. "You're right. It's none of my business." She started to walk off, then turned around. "Even so-"
"Thought it was none of your business." He muttered.
"Even so, I think I'm right. About what you're trying to do. And you need to be careful. Think of how Meredith will feel." Without giving him a chance to reply or question what she said, she turned and disappeared down the corridor.
Derek stayed with Meredith that night again, but what Addison had said kept repeating itself in his mind. If he was honest with himself, he was desperately hoping that something would occur to him to win her back. But so what? He'd been thinking about how to win her back all month long.
In the morning, he told Meredith that she would be able to be discharged that night.
He could see in her eyes what she was thinking: she was in a battle with herself, trying both to put the stress of the memories out of her mind and to come up with some explanation for her suspicions, that something was wrong.
Derek understood the idea of feeling torn.
He had a long surgery that day, so he didn't have much time with Meredith. Part of him was a bit thankful; he was beginning to feel like a such a fraud with her that he ended up nervous, certain she couldn't be buying any of his bullshit.
Izzie scrubbed in with him on the surgery, and Derek got the feeling that she came close to saying something to him several times but thought better of it. He was a bit glad that he didn't see any of the old disgust or anger in her eyes, something the rest of Meredith's friends had continued.
The surgery ended late in the evening, and afterwards, in the scrub room, Izzie startled him by breaking the silence and cutting into his thoughts. "So she's being discharged?"
"Yeah. We can go do that now, actually." A familiar stab of panic hit him; it had been doing it all day when he had allowed himself to think of discharging Meredith; something about her leaving the hospital, going on about normal lives without her knowing…it seemed a lot more scary. Also, the days were passing. She would remember at any time.
He didn't move.
Izzie peered at him, then said uncertainly. "Dr. Shepard?"
Derek stood for another moment, staring blankly into the empty OR, then violently pulled the surgical cap from his head and threw it onto the floor, cursing loudly, as some sort of understated illustration of what he was feeling.
Izzie watched awkwardly as he lowered his head into his hands, groaning quietly. After a few minutes of silence, he said quietly, "I know what I should do. I know. But knowing doesn't help me, because I…I just can't."
Hesitating slightly, because Derek's words held the slight of air of talking more to himself than Izzie, she spoke uncertainly, "What…what do you mean?"
"I should just give her space. I should back off until she knows the whole story. This isn't fair to her, it's not. But…" He gave a soft, humorless little laugh and looks up. "The way she looks at me. I don't want to let that go again. I want to see her look at me like she loves me, and like I've never hurt her. I want to be able to kiss her without thinking about it. I want to be able to tell her I love her without making her cry." He paused, glancing at Izzie. "You probably think I'm being a selfish bastard."
"I don't." She told him softly. "I know what you mean."
"Thanks." He paused. "I am, though. I am a selfish bastard. This shouldn't be about me, it should be about Meredith, and this is going to make it even harder for her, and this isn't the right way to do it."
"There isn't a right way to do this." Izzie countered.
"Maybe." Derek sighed. "But I…I want to protect her, you know? I want to keep her away from all that. This…control, even if its temporary, this is new. And I don't want to have to be the one to tell her what happened. I don't want to have to see the look on her face."
"I know." Izzie wanted to say something more helpful. "She'll be okay." Even as the words left her mouth, she could hear that she sounded unconvinced.
"You don't know that."
"Well, you know…" Izzie shrugged. "She's got us." She regretted saying that instantly, because she could see from the look on Derek's face that he'd seen the real meaning, the unfinished end of the sentence.
Even if she doesn't have you.
Izzie flushed. "Sorry, I didn't…" She trailed off as Derek reached down the pick up his surgical cap, clearing his throat loudly.
"It's fine. Should we go get her?"
"Yeah…" As the two of them began walking out of the scrub room, Izzie finally made herself voice something she'd been thinking about all day. "Dr. Shepard?"
"Hmm?" He murmured distractedly.
"You said…you said that the amnesia was…you said it was most likely temporary."
Derek slowly stopped walking and turned to face her. "Yeah."
"I just was…well, what if it isn't?"
Derek stared at her silently for a moment, and Izzie could tell that he hadn't thought of this before. At long last, he answered quietly, "I don't know."
"Would you…would you tell her anyway, or just-"
"I don't know, Stevens." A note of tetchiness was there now and Izzie backed off.
Derek's mind was spinning as they walked down the hallway. His first instinct when Izzie had mentioned the possibility had been to feel hope, followed instantly by intense guilt for even thinking…
"Hey!" Meredith's voice interrupted his thoughts, and Derek realized they'd come to her room, where she was sitting, fully dressed, on the edge of the bed, Cristina and George standing in the corner of the room.
He smiled warmly at Meredith. "Hey. You ready to get out of here?"
"Oh yeah. I don't see how long term patients stand it." She looked distastefully around the tiny hospital room, standing up as she did.
He kissed her gently, then leaned close to her ear and whispered. "I'm glad you're okay."
"Well, almost okay. Give me a few days to get caught up with everyone on the past year." She attempted a smile.
"You should start remembering some things pretty soon." He smiled falsely, hoping the give the idea that this was actually good news.
His pager went off at the moment; Derek was on-call that night, which saved him the decision of what to do about spending the night with Meredith…though to be honest, he'd been kind of hoping to.
"I got to go." He kissed her one more time. "Take it easy tomorrow, okay?"
"I will."
"I love you."
She smiled. "I love you, too."
Cristina sent him a disapproving look from behind Meredith's back and Derek quickly pulled his eyes away.
"Bye." He smiled at Meredith and gave a one handed wave to the others, then left the room.
XXXXXXXXXX
Meredith followed Izzie, George and Cristina down the hospital corridors, thinking how glad she was to be out of that hospital room when an unfamiliar voice called from behind them. "Excuse me, Dr. Stevens…"
Izzie froze, cringing as she slowly turned, feeling Cristina tense up next to her. Addison was standing there, and Izzie widened her eyes at her, trying to convey God knows what…
Understanding seemed to hit Addison, and she shifted her gaze to Meredith. "Dr. Grey. Glad to hear you're okay."
Meredith smiled politely, hey eyebrows knitting together slightly. "Thanks, um…"
"Right, you don't remember me." Addison said quickly, in a voice that made it obvious to Izzie, Cristina and George that she had remembered from the beginning. "Addison…Montgomery."
"Oh! Right, the new neo-natal specialist…Izzie and Cristian mentioned you."
"Oh?" Addison's eyes flickered to Izzie's, apparently surprised that they would mention anything of her to Meredith. "Well, anyway, it's good to see you're feeling better. Hope you'll be back at work soon."
"Thanks."
Addison's tone slipped effortlessly back to professional. "Dr. Stevens, I just wanted to make sure you got those labs in on Sylvia Davies?"
She was referring to the pregnant woman they'd been working on today. Izzie nodded quickly. "Yes."
"Good." Addison paused, then smiled awkwardly. "Goodnight."
They all murmured replies and turned around and continued walking. George shot Cristina and Izzie a 'that was close' kind of look, while Meredith commented, "She seems nice."
"Yeah, now." Cristina muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
XXXXXXXX
Later that night, Meredith was lying in her bed, trying to sleep, when she heard someone screaming.
She waited for a minute, hesitating. Then she heard something else, and rose from the bed and headed toward the hall.
She got outside Izzie's door and was startled to hear sobbing.
Meredith started to go in when she heard George, coming up behind her in the darkness, hiss, "Wait!"
George moved toward the door. Izzie was having another one of those dreams, the ones that generally ended in her waking up in tears. She'd had them a lot right after Denny died, and it was getting better now, but was still nothing unusual.
How was he going to explain that to Meredith?
"George, what's wrong with her?" Meredith's voice rose in panic. "Why are you so calm about-"
George opened the door and went to the bed, shaking Izzie awake gently. "Iz, Iz, it's okay…."
Izzie's eyes opened slowly. "I…he…" Her face was soaked with tears. "Oh, God, George…" She clutched at his arms.
Feeling helpless, George wrapped his arms around Izzie. He wasn't good at this. At the soothing. It worried him, and he never knew what to say. Meredith had been handling it a lot more than he had…
Now, though, Meredith was standing over his shoulder, her face etched with worry and confusion.
"I…I saw him." Izzie was sobbing. "I saw Denny."
"I know…" George whispered soothingly. "It's okay."
"Who's Denny?"
George didn't answer her.
"Izzie?" Meredith sat on the edge of the bed next to her friends, gently laying a hand on Izzie's back. "Izzie, what is it, what were you dreaming about it?"
"It was…it was Denny…again…"
"Who's…who's Denny?"
Izzie's sobs redoubled and she clutched at George's shirt. He shot Meredith a look. "Just shut up, okay?"
"But, George, what is she-"
"Just get out, okay, Meredith? Just wait in the hall, I've got her…"
Feeling stung, Meredith stood still for a second, then turned without a word to him and left the bedroom.
George felt instantly guilty, but he hadn't been able to help himself. The last thing to do at times like these was to upset Izzie…
After awhile, he got her calmed down and she drifted back to sleep and George headed into the hallway, where he found Meredith sitting with her back against the wall, her lips pressed tightly together.
He slid down the wall across from her. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you, I just...it's not your fault you didn't know. I was just panicked. And I didn't want to upset Izzie anymore." He watched Meredith's face for any sign that she was hearing him or processing what he said, but her expression didn't change. "I'm sorry, Meredith."
When she finally spoke, her voice was flat and emotionless, but it was trembling a little. "I had no idea what was going on. I didn't know how to help. I'm just in the way now, because I'm so behind. It's like I don't know you guys as much, not your lives anyway because so much went on, and it may as well have went on without me. You've all changed, I can tell, but I don't know why. It's like I don't know you." She repeated." "I don't know even know me."
Looking at his hands, George replies, "You won't feel like that for long, Mer. And besides, you do know us. We're the same people, we're still you're friends."
"Yeah but you've changed a little. Like you. You seem…." She looks at him. "I don't know, more confident maybe. They told me you're dating some ortho surgeon." George grins slightly, feeling the color rise to his cheeks. "Cristina's not quite so hard, maybe. Must be because of Burke. They told me that, too. And Izzie…" Her expression darkened. "I thought maybe she seemed a little less…happy? And now…" She waved a hand toward Izzie's room. "That's obvious. Who's Denny?"
George hesitated. "Denny was Izzie's boyfriend. Fiancée."
Meredith watched him. "Was?"
George nodded. "Yeah, he…he was heart patient. At the hospital. Izzie really liked him at first, and then I guess they started falling for each other. He…he got a heart transplant, asked Izzie to marry him, and…he died. Of a stroke."
Meredith felt the color drain from her face. She stared at George, dumbfounded. "Wh...when?"
"About a month ago."
"Oh my God. Poor Izzie…" Meredith felt like crying. Crying for her friend, crying because something so terrible had happened to her and Meredith didn't even know, and crying because she realized for the first time how much difference a year can make, and how much else she might not remember….
"Yeah."
"And I…I didn't even know…"
"Mer, stop talking like that." George told her firmly. "You did know. You've been there for her like the rest of us…you're usually the one who talks to her when she wakes up after dreams like this. You've been great with her, even with-" George closed his mouth, cursing inwardly. He'd almost said 'even with everything you've been going through'.
Thank God he stopped himself.
"You did know." He repeated. "You might not remember right now but…you were there for her." He thinks about explaining the deal with the LVAD wire, the way Meredith had made sure no one left and gotten everyone to stick together afterward. But George decides not to give away anymore than he needs to about the past…he might slip up and not catch himself. "One thing, though…maybe you shouldn't mention it to Izzie. Yet. That you know."
"Okay. And thanks, George." She said quietly.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith is lying on her bed the next day, after Izzie and George had left for work, when something vague and distant came to her.
I have spent hours picturing myself half naked in a room with three women…the reality is SO much better.
Her heart racing slightly, Meredith paused, searching her brain…
A tiny little area of the examination room with a curtain blocking. She opens the curtain to see George with his pants down, laying on a table, while Alex got a shot ready.
Right, George has syphilis. From that red headed nurse he'd been dating.
"George, it's not a big deal. You've got a cute butt."
Alex looks at her. "I have a cute butt, too."
She studies the syringe he's been preparing. "Oh, get out…you're doing it wrong."
"Be my guest."
George protests. "Alex!"
Izzie opens the curtain a second later. "What are we dong?"
"Breaking George's spirit!" George claws at the curtain to close it.
"Curing George's syph."
Next Cristina comes in. "What are we doing?"
"We are saving George from a lifetime of festering sores and instanity."
All of it, giving George the penicillin, is suddenly clear. Meredith wracks her brain. Syphilis, syphilis…
Six nurses, four residents, and two interns on this surgical floor have been diagnosed with syphilis. If you are having unprotected sex with another member of the staff, GET TESTED…"
Standing next to Cristina in the room with the rest of the staff, simultaneously trying not to giggle and trying not to catch Derek's eye, since he just walked in.
"Patricia will now give you a safe sex demonstration."
She's holding a banana and a condom.
Cristina stiffens next to her in effort not to laugh at the look on George's face. A nudge from Cristina point him out.
"Poor George."
"You know I think he really likes Typhoid Mary." Cristina indicates Olivia.
"Not too many budding relationships survive a good dose of VD." Voicing concerns about Derek. Should she ask him? They haven't really clarified anything…
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Meredith clutched the bedspread beneath her. There's something else. Derek and syphilis. They'd talked about it…
She closed her eyes, trying to grasp it. They had talked about it.
They're in the hallway. "For the record…" She's nervous. "You'd tell me if I need to get tested, right?"
He gives her a look of mock horror. "You think I have syphilis?"
Answer quickly. "No. Just…we never made any rules, we never…said we have rules, and I wouldn't hold it against you."
"When would I have time to get syphilis? You're a handful as it is, and besides, we're practically a…condom ad."
She suppresses a smile. "But no more glow in the dark ones."
"You see, there's nothing to worry about." He pauses momentarily. "Maybe we should. Make some rules, I mean."
Excitement hits. Keeps her voice casual. "We should."
They start to walk off. He calls back. "Just for the record…"
"Uh huh?"
"I LIKE the glow in the dark ones."
She laughs. " I bet you do."
Meredith smiled unconsciously, excited. It's started. It's coming back. She waits, grasping for anything else but she can't remember anything past walking away from Derek.
Still, as she thinks back, details fill in. The Chief had a brain tumor and Derek was doing the surgery that night and asked her to scrub in, but keep it a secret. She'd hung up on the woman from the care home, then called back and talked about that family function where her mother was…
It felt as if all of this had just happened, but everything stopped when she'd walked away from Derek.
Still…it was something.
Excited, she grabbed the phone and dialed Derek's cell.
XXXXXXXX
Derek was grabbing a quick bite in the cafeteria when his cell phone rang. "Hello?"
"Derek?"
"Hey, you!" He smiled into the phone. "How are you feeling?"
"Great! Guess what? I remembered something."
"What?"
"The syphilis outbreak in the hospital. George got it, and I remember giving him a shot of penicillin, and you telling me about the Chief's brain surgery…the last thing I remember is talking with you about how we should make some rules…"
His smile dropped. Make some rules. Syphilis. The Chief's operation. That meant the day that Addison had showed up.
His voice badly strained, he answered. "That's great, Mer!"
A few minutes later, he hung up with Meredith and stared at the tray in front of him, appetite gone.
XXXXXXX
That night, Derek went to Meredith's house to see her, and was cautious walking in the door behind her roommates. What if she'd remembered already?
But, no, she came to meet him, obviously in a good mood because of her memory coming back.
He kissed her. "Hey."
"Hi." She smiled up at him, and he felt a familiar ache as he looked at her, something he'd been feeling for the past few days. He'd missed seeing her like this: happy. He'd missed her looking at him like that.
With complete love and trust.
Damn.
"You okay?" She asked him.
"Yeah." He smiled, pushing those thoughts out of his mind. "Fine."
Meredith turned her attention to George. "Hey, syph boy."
He froze. "Oh." He made a face. "You remember?"
"Yeah. I remember the three of us curing you, too."
Izzie laughed suddenly at the memory.
Meredith turned her attention back to Derek. "You'll stay the night, won't you?"
George shot him a look, but Izzie elbowed him.
Derek smiled. Who was he kidding? Of course he would. "Of course."
Meredith slipped her hand into his. "Come on."
He couldn't help smiling as she led him upstairs.
In her bedroom, Derek didn't hesitate before pulling her against him and kissing her intensely. Desire was chasing away all rational thought at the moment.
With his mouth still pressed against hers, he reached out and fumbled with the button of her jeans, and he felt her reach for the bottom of his shirt…
XXXXXXX
"Oh, man." George rolled his eyes. "Is he going to get some or what?"
"George." Izzie shot him a look.
"Well, it's just…wrong. He's going off this whole lie…"
"I don't want to get into this with you again, George."
George stared at her, but she looked dead serious. "Fine."
Izzie stood. "I'm going to bed. You coming?"
"No. I remember how loud they are." He made a face. "I'm going to Callie's."
"Suit yourself." Izzie paused, thinking back to the early days when they had no idea it was Derek Meredith was sleeping with and were just plain annoyed at lying awake all night, unable to drown out the noise… "Actually, I might see what Alex is up to." Her voice was would be casual, but it made George turn from the doorway and stare.
"Seriously!"
"I said I might."
George half smiled. "Suit yourself."
XXXXXXXXX
Hours later, Derek was asleep, his arms wrapped loosely around Meredith's body.
She was lying there when something else began to come slowly into focus in her mind.
Telling Derek about her mother…
Standing in the hallway, waiting for the Chief to wake up…
Getting that phone call, how guilty it had made her feel….
Finally confessing the truth…
The way Derek had stroked her hair and kissed her forehead…..
There's more. Don't let it slip away….
Going to see the Chief.
"Meredith? You're an intern. He's an a attending."
"You saw us" That meant the optic nerve was okay! "You can see…"
Chief is all seriousness. "I'll tell you what you're mother would say if she were here. You're making a mistake. A big one."
"And I would tell my mother it's not a mistake."
Derek a mistake…
Meredith closed her eyes, trying to focus. She'd gone to him after leaving the Chief…they were going to dinner, to talk about rules…what else…
Finding him in the lobby.
"Wine first, talk later."
Him helping her with coat, giving her that look.
Suddenly looking away, a startled expression on his face. A tall, red headed woman walking toward them.
Meredith's eyebrows shot up. She could suddenly clearly see the woman's face as she walked toward them. Dr. Montgomery, Addison, the new neo-natal surgeon…
"Meredith, I am so sorry." Derek facing the woman. "Addison. What are you dong here?"
"Well you'd know if you bothered to return any one of my phone calls."
Meredith's heart was beginning to race. She remembered feeling a sudden sense of dread when Derek said he was sorry. But what had happened. How did Derek already know that doctor?
Meredith thought hard, willing her brain not to let go of the memory..
Addison turning to her. "Hi. I'm Addison Shepard."
Meredith shook her head. That couldn't be right. Montgomery was what they'd said her last name was.
But, no, it's clear now. The way she said, the way she'd stuck out her hand to Meredith.
Oh, God…
"Shepard?"
"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband."
Staring at Derek. Turning and leaving, out into the rain…
Oh, God.
No.
Fuck no…
Meredith's shaking all over, because that's where the memory stops. Standing in the rain, feeling like she's about to be sick, a feeling that's repeating itself now.
After that it's blank.
Married.
Screwing my husband
He had a wife. That's what everyone hadn't told her. He'd lied to her.
How could they still be together?
The way everyone had seemed so weird when she'd kissed Derek at the hospital.
Oh, God….
Tears were pooling her eyes as she watched Derek sleeping. Meredith shook him violently suddenly. "Derek?"
"Hmmm? Wassit?" He opened his eyes slowly, staring at her outline in the darkness. "Mer?"
She didn't know what to say. Finally, she said very quietly, afraid if she raised her voice even a little she'd start crying. "Get out."
Okay, so I hope everyone liked this chapter. It was hard for me to write, for some reason, so I'd really like some detailed reviews if you can. I'd like to know what everyone thought about the different scenes and points of view. One thing I'm still hesitant about is the thing with Izzie sympathizing with Derek because of her experiences with Denny, so I want to know if that came off alright. Also, Derek's point of view, of course Meredith's, whether the conflict within both of them is coming across okay. So please review, tell me what you thought.