Chapter Three
I'm so sorry, guys, that it's been so long. I was really stuck on this story for awhile, but I finally had an idea of where I'm heading. This chapter is a filler of sorts, just the aftermath of Derek finding out, but I like what goes on and I wanted to get it up. The next one will be much longer and eventful, so please keep reviewing. And Sky Blue and Black will hopefully be updated soon, but I've started school again and junior year's a bitch. A couple of you asked questions about stuff that hadn't been clear in the story (Addison/Derek's relationship now, Derek saying I love you) and you didn't miss anything…a lot of stuff happened in the month between prom and when this story began, and all of that will be revealed eventually when Meredith is either told or remembers herself, though some is revealed in conversation throughout the story.
"Meredith, what?"
"Get out." Her voice rose.
Derek turned on his side and tried to make out her face from the small beam of light shining through the window, but all he could see was the dim outline, though he could hear her breath coming out in short, uneven gasps.
It didn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what had happened.
Using his best attempt at a calm, rational, 'let's talk about this' tone, Derek said, "Meredith, just let me-"
Her voice shrill, Meredith cut him off. "What are you not understanding, Derek, get the fuck out of my house-"
"Mer, you don't know the whole story!"
Meredith stared at him, incredulous. She felt a sudden urge to slap him, but her hands were shaking too much. "No, I don't, because you wouldn't tell me anything!"
He paused, his mind racing with possible explanations. "True. But-"
"No! There's, there's no…there's no but, no excuses, no…no nothing…" She was falling apart and Meredith willed herself to focus. "Nothing. So get out of my house, right now-"
"Meredith, that was a long time ago-"
"Yeah? Tough. Because it doesn't feel like it to me." Her voice was shaking violently, and the tears she'd been furiously blinking back were threatening to spill over. "Shit, Derek, just…." She'd been lied to. Twice. He'd lied when they were dating by not telling her about his wife, just a small detail he might have mentioned, and he'd lied to her since the accident about everything being okay.
Derek stared helplessly at the look on Meredith's face. She opened her mouth to speak again, but he held up his hands in a surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm gonna go. Okay?" He stood slowly, still keeping his hands out as though trying to protect himself. "But…we do need to talk about this."
Meredith didn't answer. She was staring fixedly at the wall past Derek.
"Okay." He said lamely. "I'm leaving. I'm sorry."
Meredith squeezed her eyes closed and listened to his footsteps leave the room and head downstairs, then heard the door close.
Only then did she allow the tears that had been threatening her to spill over onto her cheeks.
Derek didn't make it further than the front porch; his knees gave out beneath him and he sat on the steps, his head in his hands.
Really, what had he expected? He'd known this was coming. But he still couldn't have prepared himself to the look Meredith gave him.
Inside, Meredith didn't move for a couple minutes. Then she stood up and went out of her bedroom towards Izzie's. She flung open the door, her voice loud and shaky, "Why didn't you tell me he had a wife!"
She froze. Izzie's room was empty, her bed still made up.
Moving across the hall she yelled, "George!" She flung open his door and saw the room was also empty. "Damn it…"
Meredith turned and ran down the stairs, desperate to find someone to explain this to her, desperate for someone to make any kind of sense out of what happened.
"Izzie!" Her voice rose in pitch and she walked from the living room to the kitchen. "George!" She walked through all the rooms before realizing they weren't there. "Great. Just…" Her knees felt weak beneath her, and Meredith sunk dazedly onto the couch, her eyes burning.
Cristina. She could call Cristina, she'd be honest, she'd tell her the rest of the story….
Meredith's hands were shaking as she began to dial Cristina's apartment, nonplussed about waking her up in the middle of the night. Halfway through the number Meredith realized it wasn't even the right number…Cristina had moved in with Burke.
She didn't remember the new number.
Her stomach clenching painfully, Meredith let the phone slide from her hands. "Fuck…" She felt helpless, unable to even remember a phone number that would connect her to someone who could explain things to her.
Her throat was closing tightly in an effort to suppress the sobs threatening to accompany the tears. Meredith clenched her teeth together to stop them, not that there was any point; she was alone.
She was replaying the last memory in her mind over and over, desperately hoping to resurface something else. Something after she'd left the hospital…
Nothing new came. Instead, Meredith found herself replaying the look of on Derek's face when he'd looked up toward the desk. The panic of his 'Meredith, I'm so sorry.' The dizzying feeling that had hit her when that woman introduced herself as Shepard.
With a jolt, Meredith thought back to the day she'd left the hospital, when they'd run into her in the hallway.
Right, you don't remember me. Addison…Montgomery.
She'd paused.
But if Derek still had a wife, and she knew about Meredith's current state of mind…how had he spent so much time with her? Spent the night at her house? Were they still married? Meredith felt like screaming in frustration; the more she thought about it, the more unanswered questions she had.
Cristina's voice echoed in her head, what she'd said to Meredith after meeting Addison…
She seems nice.
Sure, now.
They'd known exactly what had been going on.
Her anger was growing, at all of them. All week they had been giving her that line about it being better on letting her remember on her own. But how the hell could this be better? They hadn't wanted to be the ones to tell her, bunch of cowards. And now, when she needed something to explain, they weren't there. Izzie and George had run off, even though they knew what she'd be remembering next…they had to have known…
Meredith stood from the couch, pacing the room purposelessly. The past days since waking up in the hospital bed were whirring around in her mind, and this time she caught tiny details she'd missed: the general negativity at Derek's presence, the darkening of Bailey's eyes when she told her Derek had been great….
In her pacing, her eyes caught sight on something outside the window. Moving closer to the window, she moved her eyes to the front porch.
Derek was sitting on the front steps, an elbow propped on each knee, his head dropped into his hands.
Obeying her first instinct to ignore him, she turned her back to the window, trying to push the image out of her mind.
Of course, it wouldn't go. She paced the living room for only a few more moments before growing agitated and moving into the kitchen, searching for something to distract her.
The tequila, her first choice, was absent. She found a six pack in the fridge that had been emptied to only one. That would be no help.
Somehow, Derek's presence outside the porch felt incredibly obvious. She had been wrong before…she wasn't cut off from all people who could offer her the explanation she wanted. In fact, her was the person who could tell her the most. But she didn't feel prepared to talk to him.
She glanced at the illuminated digits on the oven's clock. It was nearly 4:30 in the morning.
Meredith couldn't take it anymore. She moved toward the front door and opened it.
Derek turned, looking startled, at the creak of the hinges. She stared down at him, taking in his bloodshot eyes, full of guilt and agony.
She shut the door behind her, taking away the source of life. She didn't want to look at him like that, and she didn't want him to see her tear-stained face.
Too late, of course. He'd noticed, having taken in every detail of her expression, searching for some sign of forgiveness, some softness. There was none.
He waited, choking the useless explanations rattling around in his mind. He didn't trust himself to speak.
"Derek, would you just…just please go away?"
Meredith herself was shocked at her tone. She's spent the past half an hour building up rage, and had intended on venting that at Derek. Instead her voice came out soft, uneven, and pleading…like she was seconds away from a breakdown.
"Mer…" His voice was barely a whisper, and there was a softness to it that brought fresh tears to her eyes. Hidden by the darkness, she let them roll down her cheeks. "Meredith. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I was sorry for it when it happened, and I'm sorry now that I didn't tell you but…I didn't know how."
She nodded. Then, desperately trying not to cry, said, "When I asked..." She felt him turn toward her. "I asked where we were, relationship wise. You…you said nothing changed."
She could hear the regret dripping with his voice. "I couldn't tell you the truth…I didn't want to see your face. I didn't want to have to explain. But I didn't…I didn't lie. I said I'd been in love with you the whole time, that nothing had changed. And, Mer, that's…that's completely true."
She pressed her lips tightly together, and took a second to steady her voice before answering, and it came out barely audible. "That didn't answer my question."
"I know." She tensed slightly as his fingers touched her cheek. "It should."
Making herself pull back from his touch, she replied, her voice coming out uneven and thick, "Then why doesn't it?"
There was no mistaking it now; he could tell she was crying. Derek didn't know how to answer. Where do you start?
Meredith finally managed to choke out, "I mean…what happened? I need someone to tell me, Derek. Please."
He sighed. He knew this was his chance to be honest, for once in his life. But he still felt paralyzed with the same fear. How to tell her all that? There was still so much, though admittedly Addison was a biggie.
"Mer, I screwed up a lot. I hurt you a lot. Not just not telling you about Addison but…more. It's been really messed up for the past year, and I've been miserable a bout it."
"Are you still with her?"
He turned, trying to meet her eyes, but her face was turned away; it was too dark anyway. "No."
She looked up.
"We're separated. But not for long."
"Oh." He can hear the disappointment in her voice. "So you're staying…you stayed with her?"
Derek winced, thinking of Meredith's face the night of the train accident. Oh. You're staying with her. It hadn't even been a question. She'd known. He thought about how much he'd wanted to say, tell her how sorry he was and it wasn't because he didn't love her….anything, but he'd been desperately trying to pretend both of their worlds weren't crashing down. Yeah, she's wife.
"Yeah." He began to speak quickly. "Because I felt like I needed to try with my marriage. Not because I didn't…not because I didn't want to be with you."
Meredith ran her hands through her hair absently, trying to imagine this. She doubts she can ever get the hang of this hearing incidents; to her, it felt like he was telling her the future. And it wasn't something she wanted to hear.
Derek kept talking. "You'll remember me telling you this pretty soon but…Addison….we'd been married for eleven years. In New York, and she cheated on me. With my best friend, Mark. And I didn't want to deal with it, so I left, and I came here and…I met you. I didn't expect that, and I…I don't know why I never told you. I was stupid."
"Yeah." She agreed, not sure what to say.
They lapsed into silence for awhile. Finally, she asked, "I want to know more. How did…did you decide right away to stay with her? How did you tell me? Was it…was I so pissed I broke up with you?" To be honest, that was how she was feeling right now.
Derek smiled humorlessly, looking down at his hands. "You were really mad, but…" He trailed off. What would be the end of that sentence. …but I told you she gave me divorce papers and there was nothing to think about. …but you gave me a choice and I picked Addison anyway….
"Derek?"
His throat was closing up. He couldn't make the words come out. Finally, he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Mer, I can't do this. I still can't."
"Do…what?" She turned to look at him, and nearly jumped when he slid his hand into hers.
His voice was quiet. "I can't hurt you all over again. I can't sit here and tell you everything I did wrong. Because it was a lot, and it was bad enough the first time..."
Meredith's heart thudded painfully. In her eyes, Derek had been so perfect, so in control, and so sure of himself…this was becoming harder and harder to wrap her head around. "What?"
"Listen…" His voice took on a note of urgency, and his mind was darting ahead, planning what to say. "I need you to listen to me. It's important."
"Derek, what are you talking about…" He'd just got done telling her he couldn't tell her anything, and now he was making her listen…
"I need to tell you this before you remember everything and we go back to the way we've been." He was speaking really fast, hoping desperately to get this out.
Meredith cut him off. "How have we been, Derek, that's what I need to know-"
He kept talking. "No, you need to hear this. And you need to remember it. I love you-"
"Derek-" She started to protest, but he cut her off.
"No, I…I need you to head this, Mer. Please? Because I've wanted to tell you, but I can't because of…well, because of everything. I love you, and I'm sorry. For everything. I'm an ass. And the only reason I didn't tell you sooner about everything that's happened in the last year is because I haven't been really happy since we were together and I just…I got lost in pretending."
"Derek…" Her voice was quiet and calm, but her eyes had filled with tears of frustration. He didn't understand what she was feeling. He didn't understand that what he was saying meant nothing to her if she didn't know what everything meant, and he didn't understand how much she needed to know the truth. She paused and forced her voice to harden. "If you're not going to tell me anything, you should go."
"But, Meredith-" He put his hand on her arm.
She pulled away instantly, moving over a little on the steps. "No, I mean it! It's bad enough that you tell me you have a wife I never knew about, and then you start talking about all the crap that's happened since, but you won't tell me about it? No, you know what, just leave. Coming out here to talk to you was a mistake…"
She stood up on the steps and almost instantaneously Derek was also standing. "Don't go in, Meredith. I'm sorry, but-"
"You're sorry again? Somehow that doesn't help, because half the times you've apologized tonight I haven't known what the hell you're apologizing for!"
She turned to the house but he put his hand on her arm, his grip a little tighter and he moved her to look at him. "Do you still love me?" The question came out of the blue.
She looked into his eyes for a moment before pulling her gaze away. "What?"
His heart was hammering in his ears. He'd been wondering this for the past month. Ever since the time that came after the first hellish week following prom, where Meredith had stopped talking to him, or looking at him… he couldn't tell. He knew her well enough to see she wasn't happy, see that she was just going through the motions of work, but she never met his gaze long enough for him to read into it too much. And he wanted to know.
"Do you still love me? Now, at the…at the present time?" He made a face at how that sounded.
"How can I know that, Derek?" Her voice rose slightly the more she talked. "I don't know what's happened! I'm stuck a year behind you, and you refuse to even help me-"
"What, you think that goes with your memory?"
"Huh?", she replied, distracted from the rant she'd just started on.
"You think whether you love me or not is in your memory?" He still hadn't let go of her arm.
Meredith started at me for a second, trying to see how serious he was. When his expression didn't change as he simply waited for an answer, she looked away from him. "It's not fair to ask me that, Derek."
"It's simple."
"No, it's not! You have no clue how I'm feeling right now! I can't even start to wrap my head around everything, and I don't know how to answer your question, and I don't know how to deal with you not answering my questions, and I can't not know anymore, this is killing me…." Her voice broke and suddenly, unable to stop herself, she was really crying, soft but audible sobs.
Derek slowly released his grip on her arm, unsure of what to do. He forced himself to forget about his questions; she was right, it wasn't fair to her. After everything he'd already put her through since the accident and he still couldn't stop it.
His stomach clenched painfully; he hated Meredith crying. He moved slowly toward her, moving to put his arms around her, but she jerked back, snapping through her tears, "Don't!"
Her whole body was shaking, and Meredith slowly moved to sit down on the porch steps again, unable to hold herself steady. She held her head in her arms and cried, hating herself for it, for doing it in front of him She felt Derek move back to sitting position next to her.
Derek sat next to her, watching helplessly, wanting to hold her, tell her it would be okay, but sure she didn't want that. After a few moments, he ventured putting a hand gingerly on her shoulder. "Mer…", he kept his voice gentle. "I won't ask you anything. You're right, I don't know what you're feeling…but I'm here for you."
"Oh right." Her voice dripped with sarcasm and bitterness. "You're here when I think we're still dating, and you're here when you haven't told me the truth about what happened with us, and you're here when you think you can use this to tell me something you couldn't otherwise…"
Derek listened to this, unable to think of a reply because none of it was wrong. But she didn't know that he was also here for any other time. For anything. And he didn't know how to make her believe him; why should she trust him?
Taking his silence to mean he had no protest, Meredith kept talking. "Can you just leave, Derek?" She'd meant to sound forceful, but her voice came out too exhausted.
"I…" He paused, wanting to protest but knowing he was in no position to do so. "Yeah. But Mer, where are George and Izzie?"
"I don't know. They left for somewhere for the night."
Derek stood, still looking down at Meredith as he did. Her face was still buried in her arms. "Bye, Mer. I'll see you later okay?" She didn't answer, and before he could stop himself, he added. "I am sorry. I love you." He knew he was torturing her, but he needed to get that through her head. He didn't move for a moment, half expecting a reply that never came. Finally, he turned and went to his car.
He waited in the car at the edge of the driveway for a few minutes, watching her. She didn't move from the porch. Finally, he turned the key in the ignition and started away from Meredith.
As he did so, he grabbed his cell phone, wanting to call Izzie. He didn't want Meredith to be alone. He didn't know her number.
He sighed, realizing he didn't have the number of any of her friends. However, he did have Burke's, which meant he could reach Cristina, though if he was honest, she wasn't the person he was most anxious to talk to.
Still, she was Meredith's best friend. And this was about Meredith.
He dialed Burke's apartment number, and after four rings heard a groggy voice answer, "Hello?"
"Dr. Yang, um, Cristina? This is Dr. Shepard?"
There was a long pause at the other end of the phone. "Are you anywhere near a functioning clock?" Her voice was almost a snarl, and no one overhearing the conversation would have guessed Cristina was speaking to her boss.
"Look, I'm sorry to bother you, but the only number I had was yours and Burke's so-"
"He's not here. He's on call."
"Okay. I didn't call for him, I needed….Meredith remembered. About Addison."
Cristina suddenly sounded fully awake. "What a surprise. I guess you had kind of been blocking out the fact that that would happen, huh?"
Derek ignored the sarcasm. "We've talked, and I just left, but…she's kind of upset-"
"No shit. God, you're an asshole. I don't care what Izzie said, you've been a selfish jerk this whole time, and pretty soon you'll be giving lines about how you did it because you love her or you never meant to hurt her… even though we told you, everyone told you, all along that you were making it worse."
"Okay, okay. You're right. But Izzie and George aren't at the house for the night, and she's by herself. I think she wants some answers, so-"
"So you want me to do it for you? I'll go over there to check on Mer, but don't use me to tell her what you've done wrong, as if she didn't ask you. She knows you're hiding something now, why not come clean?"
"I can't, okay? I just…I can't do it. I'm not asking you to understand that, or listen to me…I just don't want her to be by herself."
"Fine, I said I'd go. But you have to be honest with her eventually."
"Thank you." This was in response to the first thing Cristina had said. HE didn't care to think about the second part.
Eh, like I said, this is a filler. I don't have the season two premiere taped and I haven't seen it in forever, so I'm having trouble getting some flashback info for the next part. And anyway, I was sick of not updating this, so I went ahead and got this in. It's given me a good place to come off of, hopefully quicker. REVIEW please. Since this was almost completely Meredith and Derek, I'd really like to know how their point of view was portrayed, what worked, etc.